Letters of a Japanese schoolboy ("Hashimura Togo")

San Francisco, October 18th.

To my friendship companion, Editor New York newspaper, which is a very warm thing.

Dear Mr.—When Hon. Taft make Presedential Speech to idle labouring classes in N. Y. of recently, one Hungry Man in audience send up following question to know:

“How can I get job and food when I have not got it?”

Hon. Taft, which had been answering with prompt delivery such fearful difficult questions like “How to shut up the Tariff?” “What was dying speech of Ralph Waldo Emerson?” “Was Hamlet insane?” etc., make moment of solum hesitation before large simplicity of that Hungry Man question,

“How can I get job & food when I have not got it?”

For sixty-four seconds of clock-time he pause wiping dew-drop from neck, then, standing seriously with elbows in pockets, he make following famous reply,

“God knows!”

Mr. Editor, I don’t not believe that Hon. Taft referred that reply to higher authority because of ignorance inside of brain. Hon. Taft is kind & wise Judge of considerable practice—then why he not able to answer in 64 seconds that Question what labouring classes have been enquiring to know in North Dakota, South Dakota, Europe, Asia & Africa for 64 centuries? How can he be very nice President for these U. S. if not?

May be-so Hon. Taft will give some serious brain-thought to this problem before nomination-day. If he is too busy with himself to do it, Japanese Boy will told him how to find out. Go, please at once and read editorial-page of Hon. Hearst, where all Great Questions, including marriage, socialism, underwear, care of teeth, religion, horse-racing, etc., is answered to delicious satisfaction of all persons who read nothing else. Hon. Taft would not say “God only knows!” after such instructive course of reading.

But in the meanwhile, what have happen to that Hungry Man? If he is still waiting for meal-time he must be enjoying considerable Social Unrest, because Hunger and Social Unrest are very affectionate chumbs. Hon. Wilshire have heard of this Hungry Man question “How to get food when not got it?” and Hon. Wilshire answer with considerable speed, “By changing the Existing Order of Things.” That is very intelligible reply, but I ask to know: Can that Hungry Man wait for lunch while Hon. Wilshire changes Existing Order of Things?

There is considerable conversation to be heard about changing Existing Order of Things. Maybe so it can be. But some kind gentleman what would change Existing Disorder of Things would receive more solid Japanese Vote.

I. Anazuma, Japanese barber of Taft enthusiasm, deploy, “Hungry Man can enquire of Charity for it.”

I make considerable banzai with laugh.

“Faith, Hope & Charity is celebrated triplets for sculptors to make,” I allude. “Persons must have elaborate amounts of Faith & Hope to obtain some Charity out of them organizations of it.”

“How deserving must poor be to obtain groceries for it?” ask this Anazuma.

So I tell this Japanese barber following yarn-tale of charity while he was putting hair-cut on my head:

Hon. Oscar Casey, dough-baker for wages, suddenly become unemployed by no job. He would be delighted to make bread somewhere, but he is not required there, thank you. So he soonly begin enjoying hunger & faint symptoms of esophagus. He make street-walk to see what. In midst of promenading he observe one intensely beautiful sky-scrape palace with sign on it

“ORGANIZED MAGNATE CHARITY CO.”

“Oh ha!” say Hon. Casey for blissful ankles. “I will apply myself to this charitable place and require some of it.”

In Italian marble hallway Elevator Man meet him to enquire,

“Name, if convenient!”

“I am name Hon. Oscar Casey, formerly skillful at dough-baking.”

“This is very wrong doorway for bakers,” collapse Elevator Man. “Apply to trademan entrance.”

So down to trademan entrance this Hon. Casey go, where he is collided by Hon. Janitor.

“What suffering from?” declaim this Hon. Janitor.

“I am enjoying hunger,” signify this Hon. Casey.

“What degree of hunger?” he inquire to know.

“Thirty-third degree, please,” pacify Casey who is sure of it.

“Have you one Doctor’s Certificate to prove such a conditional appetite?” decry Hon. Janitor.

“I have neglected to get!” profess this Casey.

“Then go get!” say Janitor. “Come back next Wednesday-noon with doctoring Certificate to prove you are habitually hungry; also deliver references from 3 clubs and 2 banks to prove that you are financially responsible.”

Saying-so thus Janitor make slam-door.

Hon. Casey exist, maybe, on Faith & Hope waiting for Charity to arrive by Wednesday-noon. That day he apply again to Janitor of Organized Magnate Charity.

“Have you brung them certificate?” demand that stern office.

“No, not to do, because I feel foolish to,” say Hon. Casey.

“If you feel so foolish,” say Hon. Janitor, “apply for ade to Home for Feebly Minded.” So to Feebly Minded Residence elope that hopeful Casey.

“What required, please?” say lady matron of that weak-thinking place.

“Something to eat it!” demand Hon. Casey. Matron of soft-memory headquarters look very severe with face.

“Why did you not require at Organized Magnate Charity Co. for it?”

“I done so, please,” say Casey.

“And what of?” collapse Hon. Matron.

“They treat me like dog!” say him.

“Quite well,” deploy Hon. Madam. “Then you should apply to Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals for helping aid.”

Hon. Casey limp to Animal Cruelty place, but is kept outside with other sickly dogs while fashionable millinary inside listens to lecture on “Crimes of Vivisection.”

What, then, can Casey do for luncheon which is becoming impatient? Where he go to obtain job of situation? When man ask for work in Pennsylvania they say, “Go to California.” When he inquire for employment in California they decry, “Go to Arizona.” When he report for job in Arizona they proclaim, “Go to Blazes!” But by this time he no can do, because car-fare is too exhausted to continue travelling.

Hungry Man desiring to become criminal might burst in some bank—but what would he find if he did?

I am a schoolfriend of Frank the Japanned Bootpolish, who is a very thoughtful caretaker for shines on all feet with no extra charge for tan & Russian leather. His name, which is pronounce “Frank” in America-language, is called Kurumazitsu Ubunodzuruma in Japanese-talk. Nearly every u in this name is pronounced silently, please, which make a very delicious noise for all Japanese to hear. But America-mans cannot neglect business to finish such words: therefore they say “Frank,” which is good short-order name for Christians to use.

This Frank, who is studying to be a Anarchist, come to me yesterday to use my room-rent.

“One million mans is now idly looking for work,” he-say.

“In what city?” I require to examine. He is hesitated by confusion.

“I am neglectful to enquiry,” he profess. “Maybe it was in New York or Chicago. It is difficult to suspect Syracuse or Toledo of so much idle population.”

“Figures is habitually truthful,” I suffocate in kind voice. “Therefore it is important to discover how to obtain jobs of employment for them 1,000,000 mans.”

“Some 150,000 of them persons belongs to idly wealthy classes,” renig this Frank. “It would be insulting to offer them jobs of employment.”

“I am relieved to hear,” I report. “It is our duty, then, to find work for merely 850,000 human persons who are not now doing so.”

“This is not hard problemb for 2 bright Japanese Boys to answer,” promote that Hon. Frank sharpening pencil.

So with immediate quickness we find employment for them 850,000 workers by following statistick:

That leaved 275,000 still looking for work which Frank refused to find for them because he was enjoying considerable head-ache. We might have did some kindness of act for them, but could we? If Hon. Taft, when asked “How shall able-body worker get it?” must reply for answer “God knows!” is not Japanese Boys excusable for forgetting a few thousand?

Them 275,000 workers might do digging operations on Panama Canal, but would they? Climbate is too much miasma down so low in the map. Hon. Frank the Japanned Bootpolish say-how that Hon. Roosevelt might move Panama Canal to New Jersey where climbate is more callabrious. This is a very brilliant plan for Congress to ignore.

If them million mans is idly unemployed is it fault of America because? Many American patriots who says these U. S. have very wicked government are persons which comes from Baltic provinces of Russia where common people is not wonderfully successful about governing therselves. Can Pres. Roosevelt obtain cheerful advice from them persons which is only happy when enjoying misery?

Yet it is not best-beautiful thing for any kingdom to have 1,000,000 mans idly unemployed. Hon. Chancellor Day, famous Socialist, say it is all to blame of Pres. Roosevelt who done it. Maybe so it is. In great Christian country like this it is very dangerous experiment to preach the law “Thou shalt not steal.” Panick of fear is apt to follow with general shut-up of factories, trust companies & other religious institutions.

Hon. Forker say, “This kingdom need some new President what will restore publick Confidence.”

Such brightness of idea! Let us have get-together and elect Hon. Forker so that all publick Confidence Men can be restored to power!

Hoping you will be one of them,

Yours truly,

Hashimura Togo.

S. P.—If you have got anything & wish to write it to me by letter, my address of residence is as following:

Sometime I am not to at-home, but Frank, which is one sweet schoolfriend to me, will poke it under door till I return from permanent seek for employment.

H. T.