San Francisco, November 6th.
Editor New York Newspaper who must wear grandy Robe of Literature & Science emborderied over with tucks & jounces which represents Art; but he must also retain a calm Derby Hat to make himself sensible in order to do so.
Dear Sir—If my Uncle Nichi would not go roundy town seeing America he would not come home & talk about it. I should like to remain his affactunate Nefew, I should delight to reverence his bald hairs because he are my Ancester—but I will be lynched if I can remain faithful to all them fooly Questions he ask-it! Eech moment by clock-time he come to me with Queery & when I are giving sweethearted reply he are preparing another Enquire for answer. Only a mean dib can plug his voice, thank you!
“I observe something,” he say-me yesterday because he think he did, “I observe it how female women of America is entirely beasts of burden.”
“That are something to observe,” I deploy. “Where they carry them beastly burden, please, if proper?”
“I observe it,” he remain, “how they carries them burdens in enormed & sometimes overbearing quantities on top of their heads. Oftenly ladies of minus 126 pounds of complete frailness is seen totering from walk to walk with awful monstry platforms on their skull while on top side of this are piled fruits & vegetables, glassware, window-curtains, fuel, iron & wood, office supplies, general groceries, flours & other provisions. What you call them platters full of merchandise?” require Nichi.
“Would you get amazed if told?” I ask it.
“I shall attempt to,” he report.
“Them platters,” I say slow for gentle break, “is called Hats!”
Uncle Nichi is staggered to believe it.
“In Japan,” he tangle, “they would be called roofs. Such a Hat are sifficiently sized to support a entire family.”
“In America,” I falter, “it oftenly require a entire family to support such a Hat.”
Uncle Nichi set down because he are a oldy man and got a faint nerve.
“I will told you more,” I revoke. “Those Hon. Hats is pinned on to them Ladies what forget how painful they feel & drag them from places to places with smile of sweet resign. They are even happy while wearing them because they Imagines something.”
“What could they Imagine after that?” are enqueery for Nichi.
“They Imagines they are beautiful!” are report from me.
“Hashimura Togo,” rasp them feebly Unc, “up to now I have believed everything. Please tell lies more gently. I are not prepared to swallow too much.”
“When foreigners talk about American Ladies they must be prepare to swallow anything,” are argue I make. “This are customary.”
“Ladies must be oftenly scrushed to death beneath them awful lids,” require Nichi with Hearst editorial look.
“Such are the untruth,” I let go. “Them Hats is frequently more lighter than they looks by appearance. Although they are huje enormalosities amassed all over outside with riotous debree, yet they are kept light by fact that there ain’t nothing inside of them.”
“What-so!” say Nichi. “Ain’t them Ladies got their brains inside of them Hats?”
“If Ladies had sifficient brains enough to fill such Hats they would wear them much smaller,” are jount from me.
“Can we expect something worse soon?” suppose Nichi.
“Of surely we can!” say me. “In Woman’s Homely Companion, stylish paper, I read 1 page of fashionable hints wrote by a elderly clergyman who sign himself ‘Frou-Frou’ because he need the salary. He make following alarmy prediction:
“‘Stiles for 1909 will be built on Delagrange models with box-kite planes fore and aft to look awful tasty. All them patterns for winter wear will be heavier-than-air types which is very chick. Them Zepellin hats, so popular last season, are now being frowned at by Dam Fashion who says they are clumbsy & apt to catch afire. Them new hats will seem kind of horble when first looked at, but when they got a fan-shaped propeller going at full speed in the rear, you got to acknowledge they look mischievous & expensive.
“‘Many poor girls is making them at home after Buttermilk Patterns furnished by request & 10c extra please. Some light ashwood ribs, 90 yards mercyfied silk & a trifle of wire (which can be took out of any piano) are sifficient for.
“‘By sending $7,000 to Paris you can get one of them ready-trimmed by the Wright Sisters.’”
“If it was not printed in that Homely Companion paper I would enjoy a suspicion that Hon. Frou-Frou was talking about airships,” contract my poor Relation.
“Hats & Airships is very dear cousins,” I rotate. “But they has some delicious differences. Some Airships can’t lift nothing—but Ladies is often entirely carried away by Hats.”
“‘Do not hide your light under a bushel basket,’ are smart quotation for me”
“Where would they be carried away to?” ask Uncle Nichi, who are studying American jokes by correspondence school.
“To any extreme,” I choke off for fear I shall hit Uncle Nichi with a angry Dib. So he go way for read newspaper & learn some more intelligent Questions to ask it.
Mr. Editor, it are fashionable to appear smarty & suspicious when conversing in print about Ladies. Any colledge child not intelligent enough to learn bookkeeping & stenography can publish at least 1 book called “Sneery Thoughts of a Snappy Cynick” & sell from 10 to 1,000,000 copies. This to include several epigrams about Mrs. Eve and other famous Parisians. (“What are a ‘epigram’?” ask Little Annie Anazuma.
“A epigram are a cheap Joke in a dress-suit,” are reply for Japanese Schoolboy.)
Even Hon. Rud. Kipling, who write many novels and speak fluidly in both English & American, make sinickal talk about female Ladies. He-say “A Woman are merely a Woman, but a good cigar cost 25c.”
In Manila a good cigar only cost 8c, and yet Ladies is found growing there in tropickal bundance. So you see it are useless to try & compute the worthlessness of them in terms of tobacco.
Mr. Editor, I know only 3 Ladies to my acquaintanceship; but there is a 4th one now which I am learning pretty quick. Among this crowd are Hon. Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, 286 pounds of entire beauty, to her I enjoy a tender business relation. She reward me $1.25 weekly for barber her lawn & comb it with rakes. Oftenly I speak to this lady with pathetick expression, because she may rise my salary if I look sifficiently unhappy. Sometime she bring me tea by side-porch to include ginger-snaps & I tell her delicious lies about myself so she will think what a fine Jobber I am.
This Lady are very expensive in clothes which appear hellish & also include dimonds. She obtain her gownds in Paris where they hates Americans and shows it by the stiles they sell them. It are a mean revenge. But Mrs. Macdonald can afford to dress in stile, because she are rich enough to be exentrick. I do not yet notice that she wear Directory skirt at knee. I shall telegraf you if she gets one.
Next in my acquaintanceship of feminines are Little Annie Anazuma, 9-year-age daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber. This childy Japanese are too young to be a lady, but she are already quite foolish.
& 3rd on this List of Ladies are Miss Alice Furioki, wife to my Cousin Nogi. I was once her finance, but when she marry Nogi I broke my engagement to her for spiteful reasons.
But 4th of them are a Girly Person to which I must own up. She are by initials Miss Evelyn Suki & have become a dear schoolfriend to Miss Furioki and very oftenly they meet together to do some chumming & other giggles. And very oftenly I make drop-in to home of Cousin Nogi for borrow opera glass or cigarette or what he got. And oftenly Miss Suki make door-knock for see Miss Furioki & Japanese Boy are axidentally there. I make eye-wink of soul to think how fox I are.
By last Wednesday P. M. I get nervus about Cousin Nogi & go see him offhandedly. Miss Furioki come to door and I make very humbel signals to her with derby hat.
“I am delicious to ask it, please, Mrs. Madam, thank you so much, so sorry I come. Are Cousin Nogi inside, thank you?”
“No, he are entirely out!” dib Miss Furioki, who despises me earnestly.
“Then I shall remain, thank you,” I say for cheerful smiles & take set-down to parler where I see Miss Suki doing a fancy task in companionship with Miss Furioki. On centre-table was a large objeck to resemble a clothes-basket & them Ladies was fondly trimbing it with smilax, ribbons and other laces. Occasionally they stand off-side, mouths confused by pins; sometimes they make critick faces and speek in milinary language.
“What you call That what you are doing?” I wander.
“Intelligent persons calls it a Hat,” snip Miss Furioki.
“By Bible you could not wore such a Hat,” are mope from me.
“What-say Bible about it?” require Miss Suki who are studying to be a missionary.
“Hon. Bible say, ‘Do not hide your light under a bushel basket,’” are all sound I make.
Deep breathing from Miss Furioki. Miss Suki look slyly joyful. Pretty soonly them Hat are sifficiently complete for have try-on to head of Miss Furioki, who make poze before mirror with cowcattish expression.
“You hide cozily inside,” I arrange.
“It are a very theatrical hat,” lapse Miss Suki fairly.
“It look like a famous Play to me,” I commune for pious regard.
“What famous Play you meant?” queery Miss Alice. “You meant the ‘Jolly Widow?’”
“Maybe ‘Payed in Full’ are Play them Hat look like,” beseech Miss Suki.
“Ah, no!” I revolve, “another from them!”
“Then which play it look like, if so smart?” rasp wife of Nogi.
“It look like ‘The Devil’ to me,” I assassinate, and go out by door. Sound of crashy furniture inside, and other simptoms of an American Girl. Also some delicious snickkers from Miss Suki. Thank her so many!
Foreigners visiting America for first time is expected to say something about American women before getting off the boat. A very sublime Prince from Island of Borneo of recently come over & say following statistick about American Women:
1—They are naturally very foolish, but are less so when educated.
2—It are easy to distinguish their Sext by their clothes—
3—Except in the case of Literary Ladies who wears derbies.
4—They are awful extravagant.
5—They are terrible stingy.
6—Many of them has more snippy espree than Frenchwoman.
7—Many has less.
8—They have got such quantity of Charm, etc., that it are difficult for a Foreigner to look at them without enjoying Lovesick simptoms.
American Ladies hear them compliments, Mr. Editor, with pompadours swole up with pride; but they are forgetful that what that Hon. Sublime said about them are true of every national Lady in the entire world—with the exception of the Ladies of Zeeweezi Land where it are the custom for them to cut off their noses to spite their husbands.
Hoping you can afford it, I am,
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.