San Francisco, November 16th.
Editor New York Newspaper who suppose he knows what will happen to America next.
Dear Mr. Sir—“South Dakota are now very strickted & respecktable,” say Cousin Nogi with expression of deep glum. “Only choice, selected persons is permitted to get divorces there.”
“What must these choice, selected persons do now to obtain such a privilege?” are queery for me.
“A gentleman wishing to be entirely divorced in Sue Falls must reside there one year & must be drunk at leastly ¾ of time. He must beat his wife occasionally to prove it.”
“If he pass such examination will he then obtain ticket of leave?” are next I ask to know.
“Scarcely already,” are corrode from Nogi. “Firstly he must possess a certificate signed by 2 Aldermans or 6 State Senators showing that he enjoys a famous record for bad moral character, that he have allepeptick fits & served at leastly 1 year in some good penitentiary. If he got such papers he are permitted to be lonesome again.”
“Few persons has sufficient talent to pass such a high test,” I submit.
“Howeverly, many persons will try,” say Nogi for knowledge.
“With that strick law So. Dakota will soonly become one of them blissful married States,” I dally forth.
“So sad to think it will,” say Nogi with W. J. Bryan elbows. “Thusly are greatest landmarks of America departing off. Niagara Falls & Sue Falls, grand gushing monuments of Fourfathers’ pride, both is being swep away by toothless hand of commerce. No longer can pressed & weary persons turn feetprints to South Dakota like Pilgrum Fathers——”
“Why were a person what went to South Dakota like a Pilgrum Father?” I erupt with voice.
“Because they both journeyed Westward to find freedom, didn’t they not?” are request from Nogi.
I get shocky sensation by such news.
“So sinful comparison!” I reproach. “History-book say, ‘Them Puretan Parents made excursion to Plymouth Rock with entire singleness of purpose.’”
“Singleness of purpose also makes excursions to Sue Falls,” dib my corrugated cousin. “Hon. Dan Webster notice it in oldy days.”
“I have never found such talk in Webster’s Dixionary,” I imagine. “What did Hon. Dan say about it?”
“He-say, ‘United we stand, divided Sue Falls,’” are smart quotation for Nogi.
“How you obtain such divorce in sweet old days?” I exclaim for excitement.
“Maybe you can imagine it,” say Nogi. “Imagine, please, that Miss Alice Furioki, who is my wife, got peeved to me because of my slouched ways & feeble mind.”
I do so easily.
“Imagine, please, I say to her, ‘Fare-bye forever!’ & am next discovered on Pullman car.”
“Where you obtain sufficient cash for such a ticket?” are suspicious question for Hashimura Togo.
“You are permitted to imagine that also,” dib Nogi for snub. “I are next discovered on main street of Sue Falls. It are 6 o’clock P. M. by time. With immediate quickness I make feetsteps to Court House. It are closed, thank you. ‘Where can persons buy a divorce so late & catch train?’ I require of Hon. Janitor at door-knob. ‘Hon. Justice of the Peace has nice fresh ones,’ explain Hon. Janitor for polite smile. By running I get there quick—but alast! too late. ‘My husband are away attending funeral of man he shot,’ say Mrs. Justice. ‘Howeverly, you can buy choice divorces from Hon. Notary Publick around corner.’ At home of Notary Publick I meet Office Lad who say, ‘Hon. Boss are away setting up with a ill horse.’ So I depart off entirely nervus about that Divorce I didn’t got.”
“What you do nextly to stop being married?” I compute.
“Nextly,” say Nogi, “I make aimlus wander through deserted streets. Despair for me. Of suddenly I see one news stand with large gilty sign,
“‘DIVORCES WHILE WAITING FOR THEM—$5 APIECE.’
“This are stiff price, but I must. Already by news stand are considerable line of 100 Americans talking at each other as if acquainted very dearly. I enquire of one Hon. Police who stood by, ‘Why does them Americans talk together so corjul?’
“‘It are a family reunion,’ collapse Hon. Police. ‘All of them persons is related to each other in some way & another—some by proxy, some by regret; husbands twice removed is talking to outlaws-in-law. Them tall gentleman with ottomobile glasses is Senator Guff. Lady he are talking with are his forgotten wife, now Mrs. Billings, who will marry Captain Swift, her chaperone, when both are freed from hated trammels they now endures.’
“‘On what grounds of domestick grief will they obtain their divorces on?’ are next for me.
“‘For $5,’ say Hon. Police who has been in Sue Falls for long time, ‘for $5 you can take your choice of following grounds:
“‘Failure to provide witty conversation.
“‘Baldness.
“‘Coming home chronic late from Lodge, such as Elks, Y. M. C. A., etc.
“‘Not coming home from them places.
“‘Habit of cracking nuckles.
“‘Being impolite to ladies.
“‘Being too polite to ladies.
“‘Expressing grief by snores while asleep.
“‘Reading Sunday Journal & believing it.
“‘Warts.
“‘Any slight excuse you may think up while waiting.’
“‘Thank you so plenty!’ I say to Hon. Police and go home by return ticket.”
“You go home without them Divorce?” I say for disappointed quivers.
“Ah, yes,” nibble Nogi. “It are useless luxury for poor Japanese to afford it. I could buy one slight divorce, but what then?”
“That habit are like drunking,” I approximate.
“Of surely it are!” influence my Cousin. “First drink are innocent pleasure, but it lead to more of and continued. First divorce are harmless amusement, next two or three are only slight damage to young man—but after that it are apt to become a fixed habit, and who knows what?”
So Nogi borrow my collar-button & go off for righteous Sunday walk with his wife, Miss Alice Furioki.
Mr. Editor, I am reminded of a mothological legend. In awful pre-historick date of Japan famous poeter, Obi Obi, were a-wandering through crying-willow grove endeavouring to try & think up a good poem to write for a magazine. While full of ponders of suddenly he seen a Willy Sparrow dancing mongst twiggly branches like he was suffering from huj jokes. Often & at times them maudly bird laugh “Ha-ha!” and do a kick & six comick capers. So Obi Obi, famous poeter, he tune his Japanese Jews harp and enquire with rimes:
“Obi Obi and the Willy Sparrow”
And that dafty Willy Sparrow, who also had a talent, make laughing tear-drop & reply:
Obi Obi, who are notorious to this day for his book full of morals, were shocked talkless by rye-bald remarks of them horid Willy Bird, so he flop hands to heaven & decry:
So this wise Obi Obi he make one delicious figger-4 trap & he fill it up with olives and other lunch. Pretty soonly that fooly Willy Sparrow make hop-down to food—and snap! Catch for him. Then very briefly after this Mrs. Willy Sparrow, who was hungry & peeved about non-support, she make hop-down to trap—and snap! Catch for her.
So wise Obi Obi he gather them two birds & he put them in goldy cage together with 2 childish eggs of which they was parents.
“Ha-ho!” he say musely (for he were a poet). “It are pleasant to think how I has united them quarrly fowels into love-companionship.”
So he hang that goldy cage in front of his Poetry-Shop & invite the entire World to come & see them Willy Birds enjoying happiness. And all the entire World come that very afternoon to observe this Peace Conference.
But alast! When Hon. World looked it seen Mrs. Willy Bird chewing off ear of her husband with talented claws. Rawcuss screams. Feathers. Applause from World which always enjoy fites. Pretty soonly that Happy Cupple retire to opp. corners of cage, do some glares & make following song with voice of tough eagles:
And when the entire World seen them antick they stopped their ears & say:
“Perhapsly Hon. Obi Obi do call this Doomestick Harmony; but it sound to us like the musick of hand-saws playing on rusty hinges.”
So they retire away. And next morning when Obi Obi go-see Hon. Cage, what he find there? 6 feathers & 2 claws which was still disputing with eech other. All the rest of them Sparrow Family had disagreed till they were entirely minus. Except them infant eggs which was broke.
So Obi Obi write following epitaph & sell it to a second-hand book-store:
If Obi Obi, the wisest Japanese for 1,007 years, could not make 2 little Willy Sparrows happy by locking them together, how can Governments & Laws be more successful with people who are bigger & more foolish? Peace Makers is often proud because they brings Man & Wife together after quarrels. So sad to think! When Man & Wife have combattable tempers it do not take great talent to get them together; but as soon as they resume talking it often require entire State Militia to drag them apart.
Will law what bolish Divorces wipe out household unhappiness? I shall vote for it, if so-do. Maybe it will make drunken gentlemen sober & lazy gentlemen reliabilious employees for more salary. Perhapsly fooly ladies will begin study of intelligence, flirtating will cease & all dull children will go ahead of class. Mischief will be neglected by old & young.
Maybe, if Divorces is forbid, girls what marries for money will find sentiment & girls what marry for sentiment will find money. Maybe tired husbands will aid sick wives in dish-wash; maybe plumbers will stay home nights; maybe soft answers will turn away flatirons. Maybe everybody will own a ottomobile.
& maybe they won’t.
If Jo-Uncle Cannon would pass some nice law what would keep persons from wanting to get divorced this would be very good-healthy for all races, including Chinese, who are human in many respects. In England where Divorce are most difficult to obtain wife-beating are most deliciously common.
I ask something. Can U. S. Government put happy glow & family affection into a house where it ain’t? When Hon. Love flies out of window can he be pinched by Police before escape?
I require no answer.
With immediate hopes,
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.