San Francisco, December 12th.
Editor New York newspaper who enjoys great delight while reading all poetry & story writings which he send back to Author with smiling excuses:
Dearest Sir—What say that great poeter, Hon. Sir Walter Scotch, about ladies? He say as follows:
Since my loving engagement to Miss Alice Furioki I got good chance to study them Ladies.
Ladies, Mr. Editor, is nearly always female by sex. This is a very universal custom. Therefore, since original date of Eve & Adam ladies of female gander has been accustomed to drudgeness and downtroddery all time. Ladykind has been slave of gentlemankind from 1 o’clock of history to present date; they has been personal dry-goods of them tyrants of male descent without no privileges except following:
1. To tell husband what-time to get up by morning.
2. To demand him, Why no come home earlier by evenings?
3. To require, “What drunk are you carrying on breath?”
4. To save wages for him by spending it.
5. To take him to theatrical plays for educating of brain.
6. To select more fashionable friends for him.
7. To explain to him when he is foolish in business.
8. To select Presidents, Congressmen, Mayors, etc., for which he must vote it.
After doing them slavery for such numberous 1000s of year, all human ladies is suddenly enjoying angry rage about them downtroddery. They wish to do some poll-voting for therselves, because husbands is frequently forgetful about how to do it; and thus wrong persons is often elect to be President.
So considerable Suffergetting is being did by ladies who learn to do it.
Suffergetting immigrate to this U. S. by boat from London where it is always spoken with a English accent, or it is bogus and cannot be admitted to respectable jails. Any young lady of 35 years time can learn to Suffergette if she is quiet about it and listen to speaker while she is being arrested. This is how to do it most often:
English lady of name Mrs. Wellington Boots arrive to America dressed silently in pink opera cloak with white ostrich in hat. She proceeds herself quietly to Carnegie library, beating tunes on bass drum for fear someone might notice her. On steps of that learned bookery she array her feetsteps and make following speech:
“Oh!!”
With immediate quickness platoon of police make military formation, reserves is brought out, still alarm for State Militia and half-holiday is called in all dressmakers’ establishments. Delegates arrive from Daughters of Rebecca, Neices of American Revolution, little Mothers’ Association, etc. while Hon. Mrs. Boots pull herself to complete tallness and say,
“Fellow Sisters, let us arise up and smite it! Already we are ten million strong, and I see Congressman Carrie Jones approaching with 4 nurse-girls and 2 lady-cashiers, which makes us 6 stronger than we was. Let us forward, then, to Liberty or somewhere. Let us make such a race-riot around that Gentleman Tyrant that Heaven shall be punctuated with screams and Earth shall be scattered with hairpins.”
So procession of Lady Suffergettes make forward motion in publick street. Following is line of marching which they keeps:
First Division. Hon. Mrs. Boots, Judge Ethel Johnson, Congressmen Carrie Jones & Lily McGee, Major Gen. Birdie Chowinsky. These eminent statesladies is mounted on red automobiles and carry one delicious canary-colour Suffergette flag embroideries of organization-motto “Dux et Draco” and trimmed with tucks and real Irish lace.
Second Division. Composed of Salvation Army ladies’ Cornet Band which is playing “Every Day is Ladies’ Day with Us.”
Third Division. Woman’s Temperance Race Suicide Union carrying motto “Let the Men Bear the Children!”
Fourth Division. Representators of the ex-Housewives’ Association in carriages saying something serious to each others.
Fifth Division. Cavalry Troup of Lady Cowboys giving examples of rude riding.
Sixth Division. One Gentleman Suffergette on foot burdened with motto “A Man’s a Man for a’ That.”
Seventh Division. Patrol wagons full of policemans with dutiful expressions.
After they have did some ½ hour of marching, enthusiastick, etc., Congressman Carrie Jones say to Hon. Mrs. Boots, “Where shall we go to demand it?”
“Let us gone to Parliament,” decry this Mrs. Boots who know how-so to do it in England.
“So sorry not to do!” collapse several ladies in unicorn. “We have not got a Parliament in this town.”
“Such an irritant! what a nation!” deploy Hon. Mrs. Boots. “Then let us gone to City Hall.”
So ice-cream soda refreshment is enjoyed by all and procession makes onwards to City Hall where it stops itself. Loud rapping on door of this temple by all present.
“No admittance to come in!” say voice which is inside trembling.
“We require to see Hon. Mayor so that we can receive our rights, please,” says Mrs. Boots with accent.
“No goods delivered till after lunch, thank you,” say that voice from inside. “Hon. Mayor is outside eating it.”
“Then let us have Dist. Attorney, please!” peruse that chorus.
“No, ma’am, not to do!” dictate voice. “Hon. Dist. Attorney is outside drinking it.”
(Patrol wagons stand by with respectable salutes.)
Loud reports from all lady Suffergettes. Forward march! Door is smashy open and all mingle inside that City Hall filling it with female political noises. Mayor office is found vacated. Nothing in Hon. Dist. Attorney office except empty arm-chairs. Marriage Licence Bureau locked with key. Nothing to resemblance of Man is discovered inside that City Hall.
But No! One timid gentleman is found in City Treasury office hiding in safe. It is the Janitor who is praying with voice, “Please to avoid injury me—I am married to a wife.”
Janitor is permitted to go free, thank you, because of female relations. Meeting is then held in office. Hon. Mrs. Boots is elect Mayor pro tem. till arrival of Chief of Police when all enjoy arrest and is taken to Hon. Jail.
At Hon. Jail Hon. Mrs. Boots, Judge Ethel Johnson and Major Gen. Birdie Chowinsky is given comfortable cell on Murderers’ Row along with 6 Insurance Directors, 3 Congressmen, 1 Mayor, and 1 Boy Millionaire who shot another gentleman under very fashionable circumstances.
Tea is served in cell and lady Suffergettes receive all-kind friends which come to congratulate them about being there. American jails is becoming too exclusive of lately. Persons must be very rich or very famous, or else talented in some other way, to be locked up with all them there financiers.
Every time I see patrol wagon making gallop-off to jail I am excited to know if it is full of Suffergettes or if it contain another load of Trust Co. Presidents.
I tell my cousin Nogi about that Suffergette procession the same I told you about.
“It can not be true, because it isn’t,” he commit for pride.
“Why-so not so?” I recoil of contempt for short intelligence.
“Because thus,” he say it, “because in this America no real lady can get arrested for nothing she does, no matter how much she does it. America mans is weak from chivalry whenever their wifes & grandmothers needs to be arrested. Besides something more. Would Hon. Gov. Hughes arrest 1,000 ladies for going to Albany with request, please, to be allowed to vote for him? Would Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon ring for police-cart because Suffergettes bust into Congress to exclaim, ‘We want ballot-box to fill-up with sympathy for Jo-uncle Cannon?’ Would them candidates call for law to protect gray hairs from this? Answer is, No! Votes is votes, whether they got skirts on or something else. Washington is a very comfortable place for persons of either gander or sex to go asking for privilege to vote; for nearly everybody is a candidate in Washington.”
“Nogi, you are accused of being a Suffergette!” I collapse for disgust.
“I am not-so that,” renig this Nogi with blushes, “but Miss Mabel Sanjijo enjoys such a membership.”
“Will she join lady-excursion to Suffergette in Washington on March 3?” is next question for me.
“Yes-so—if she can borrow it for carfare,” this from Nogi. “If she can not do she will stay at home & give Hon. Pres. Roosevelt absent treatment.”
“Will Hon. Pres. Roosevelt add Suffergette plank to Hon. Republican platform?” I ask to know.
“O probably yes-so!” say Nogi. “He have added everything else to that platform. Why-so should he pause at them ladies?”
“What did Suffergette Delegation which visited Albany bring back from that tour?” I decry.
“They brung back souvenir photo representing one Statesman peeking through brush-heap. On this was wrote, ‘Choose Hughes & You Can not Lose,’ This was took as good-luck sign for all Suffergettes.”
I am disgust of so much back-talk.
“One last reply I make,” I say. “Female ladies can not make success of it in middle of Politicks. Shall we send old women to U. S. Senate?”
“Why not-so?” negotiate Nogi. “If Hons. Platt & Depew remain there so long will 1 or 2 extra old ladies be conspicuous for notice?”
Here is some delicious poem for you to abuse:
ALLEGORICAL NATURE FAKE ABOUT JAPANESE STORK-BIRD
This will make very sad song for harmonica.
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.