XXXVI.
WILL THEY BOARD, OR KEEP HOUSE?
WE think it is considered allowable to criticise and gossip about household matters generally, so that we don’t intrench on anybody in particular. But to avoid meddling was a doctrine so thoroughly inculcated in our youth, that in our talk with young housekeepers we have found ourselves shrinking from touching upon many little mistakes that need rectifying, or topics that will bear discussion, forgetting that we are really not prying into private family matters. Yet, thanks to many letters of inquiry from unknown friends, which give us license and courage to take up prevailing modes or ideas and suggest what we think a better way, we shall go on, and perhaps be considered a meddler after all!
When young people marry, the first question asked is, “Will they board, or keep house?” And the reasons for or against keeping house show a very great variety of opinions. We hear this question so often, and see, with pain, how poorly prepared, through the reprehensible indulgence of their mothers, many of the young ladies of the present day are for the performance or superintendence of home cares and duties, that, having waited for some explicit inquiries on the subject, we now propose to embody, in an imaginary letter, some of the anxieties and distress which this same indulgence stores up for the tenderly reared daughters. We will suppose that one of these young ladies writes us as follows:—
“I know that you generally advise young people to go to housekeeping, instead of boarding. That may be the best way for most, and of late I am inclined to think it is; but I am peculiarly situated. I wonder if you can understand how very hard it must be, how almost impossible, for a young lady who has lived twenty years without any cares, who has always seen an abundance of everything,—never knowing or thinking that economy was or could be necessary,—to undertake the care of a house, under circumstances which will make it desirable that the work, if not done by her own hands, should be wholly under her constant supervision. What sort of a housekeeper would you expect her to make? I have just learned that my parents are not able, now, to start me in life as elegantly as I have always been brought up to expect. In a few weeks I shall be united to one, not rich, but I think well worthy of any sacrifice or hardship. He earnestly desires me to consent to begin housekeeping as soon as we are married. I don’t want to, because I am sure boarding will be wiser and safer than my unskillful housekeeping. But my friend says, if I will consent, he will be patient with my short-comings and mistakes, and will work enough harder to make up for all I waste while learning. Poor fellow! he little dreams what an ignoramus he is about to risk his comfort and perhaps happiness with. Why, I know absolutely nothing of what I am just beginning to feel is of the greatest importance, if we would secure a happy union. To be sure, I can sing and dance well, so partial friends say. I paint with skill and accuracy sufficient at least to amuse myself and while away such time as would otherwise drag heavily during a rainy day, and am quite skillful with my needle when I use it for fancy work; but when it comes to useful, necessary work, I am as helpless and useless as a child. Ah, if my dear parents had lavished half the money to teach me household mysteries that was expended to make me thoroughly accomplished, in the fashionable sense of that term, how happy I should now be and how bright the future would appear! I have good health, and, if I only knew how to do anything, would shrink from no hardship; but I honestly know nothing useful. And this foolish lover of mine talks about being patient with my mistakes until I learn to keep house! Alas, it will take years to teach me so that I can see my way through this fog and tangle of ignorance. I shall be an old woman, bent and gray, before I understand the first principles of household economy. Will he bear with me through all the vexatious blunders I shall make while learning, and be patient if, after years of trial, he finds I am but an awkward and unskillful worker still?”
Yes, if this young man is worthy of your love, he will value the efforts you make, and sympathize with you when you find the results unsatisfactory. If he would have your praiseworthy struggles to make the home attractive successful, he must not look back to the “leeks and onions of Egypt,” but accept the journey through the wilderness with cheerfulness, and be lovingly grateful if the “manna” falls at first but seldom. Many a young, inexperienced wife has had all her efforts paralyzed, because her husband was so often murmuring about his mother’s bread and pies and gingerbread. That is cruel and unmanly.
Now, in the first place, let us say to every young couple, Go to housekeeping by all means. However awkward or unskillful you may be, or however small and simple must be your habitation, do not let the first years of married life be passed in a boarding-house. It is no place to learn each other’s character, to become accustomed to the peculiarities that belong to every one; it is no place to accept as home.
If you are not able to employ servants while you two, who have just been made one, are the only occupants of your new home, happy are ye. In this early stage of married life, to venture on boarding, or risk the tyranny of servants, is to deprive yourselves of the sweetest experiences of a true home. No matter how heavy or how light your purse may be, if you are wise, commence small. If young people assume the cares of a large mansion, and with it, of necessity, the supervision of a number of servants, they will soon become disheartened, and vote housekeeping wretched work. But in a small house, before “olive plants” cluster around to tell you that
you become accustomed to the care, and so well versed in all the minutest details of home labor, that you will scarcely feel the additional tax on your energies, either of the olive branches or a larger house, and the additional care of servants, which will, of necessity, come with a more imposing residence.
Then, as to the shrinking from venturing into the new and untried household domains, which young ladies so naturally feel who know absolutely nothing but the “accomplishments” taught in schools, we would say, for your encouragement, that the road to such knowledge as will enable you to form some correct idea of the work which lies before you is not so long or so difficult as your fears have led you to imagine. With a willing heart, with hands made quick and skillful by love, the way will soon become easy and pleasant. If possible, employ much of the few last weeks before your marriage in making yourself familiar with the rudiments of household affairs. Read all you can about it,—how your house should be arranged, what will be necessary in each department. Learn all you can about marketing,—what articles are most desirable, and during what seasons; seek how to judge of the quality of the food you buy, and the honest price for it. These are homely details, but the knowledge will be all needed, indeed it is indispensable to perfect you in good management; but you will secure the most effective knowledge, and the greatest confidence in your own capacity, by going about the house, and, little by little, doing with your own hands the work belonging to each department, under your mother’s supervision, or that of a well-trained housekeeper. At first, as it is all new work to you, it will not be easy or pleasant; but repeat the trial, and with each attempt you will find that you are acquiring skill and courage. Let there be no part of household labor that you do not perform a few times yourself, until you are well assured that you have sufficiently mastered it to do it again, or to detect any mistake or blunder in a servant. If you must keep servants, they will give you little comfort unless they see from the first—and they are usually very quick to discern between an intelligent or ignorant mistress—that you mean to overlook your work daily, and are abundantly able to discover any deviation from the right track. But above all things, unless for a year or two after marriage you can have the privilege of discarding servants entirely, endeavor, before marriage, to feel so much at ease in the kitchen, and so far mistress of cooking, that you will be able easily to detect any failure, and know the reason for it. If bread is brought to the table that is not satisfactory, it is wise to be able to say to your cook, with confidence, “Your bread should have risen longer before being put into the oven. It is not exactly heavy; but it feels solid, and bites tough.” Or, “Your bread is full of holes. You have not kneaded it sufficiently.” Or, “Cook, we must return that barrel of flour. It is not good. See how it ‘runs’ as you are kneading it. We shall have no real good bread from such flour.” “The pastry was not nice to-day. You have handled it too much, and it cuts as tough as leather. Please be more careful about it.”
Thus, by spending an hour a day in your mother’s kitchen, taking an active part in the work to be done there, and going through every department in the same thorough manner, even one month will advance you so that you can see the “silver lining” to all these clouds, and will give you sufficient confidence in your own knowledge and power, to banish all the mystery and dread. Then, when you walk with well-assured steps, knowing that you have conquered so far, and can, of course, conquer all, by patient endurance in well-doing, you will begin to enjoy every step of progress you make. No matter if you are and will be possessed of fabulous wealth, this knowledge should be secured by every young lady. But should you begin with large or small means, in either case your prospects of comfort and happiness are very insecure, if you enter the married state unwilling to acquire that which every woman should know,—the art of housekeeping. In after life, when home cares may be less pressing, become lawyer, judge, or President, if you can; but surely young women can find noble work, sufficient for all their talents and energies, in laying the foundation of and securely establishing a well-ordered and happy home.