Dunn. No, a letter carrier—the postman! Postman!
Nio. Postman! (pleased) Ah! The Postman! (amused at the sound, repeats “Postman” as she goes to window)
Dunn. If she’s so struck on the postman, what will it be when she sees a policeman!
Nio. Oh, how they sway! Could not someone teach them how to walk? The Maidens waddle, like web-footed cranes.
Imitating a modern walk to L. corner.
Dunn. Yes! You’ve got it, that’s it (Niobe hurrying back to window, Dunn stops her) Look at ’em another time—go to the nursery now, and if the ladies, my wife or her sister, send for you, do be careful. (putting her up L. C.)
Nio. (returns) I will bring the children and show how much they love me.
Dunn. (R. C.) No, no! They’re not allowed in here.
Nio. (L. C.) Why, are they not yours?
Dunn. Yes, but I never attempt to prejudice them in my favour, I’ll explain to you another time, when I’m not so busy; I have to telegraph the real governess, to stop away, or we are ruined.
Nio. I don’t know Telegraph—what is it, Petramos?
Dunn. Why—oh—it’s a machine—er—on which you tick, tick, tick, tick at one end, and the same tick ticks are heard at the other end, and the tick ticks tell whatever you are thinking, to the party you’re tick, tick, ticking to.
Nio. Oh Petramos! you treat me like a child. Am I so foolish that you mock my ignorance?
Weeps and falls on Dunn’s shoulder, embracing him; Carrie and Helen enter at back C.
Dunn. She’s at it again. Don’t cry—there’s no money in it. I wasn’t fooling you. Cheer up! there’s a darling. (stroking her hair) Poor little woman! (Carrie down R.; Dunn sees her, pretends not to see her) My dear young lady, you shall be treated with every kindness, my wife is gentleness itself. I’m sure if my wife were here—oh, you are there, Caroline.
Car. (R., indignantly) Yes, I am here!
Dunn. Come to this poor girl, she’s homesick.
Hel. (coming down L.) And needs consolation, I observe.
At the sound of Helen’s voice Niobe recoils, back centre.
Miss Mifton, will you leave us?
Nio. Not at your bidding! If he, the Master, bids me go, I go—not else. I wait his orders.
Hel. (crossing R. C. to Carrie) You’ll find mine are the orders that are observed in this household, and you must obey them if you wish to stay with us.
Nio. You can’t suppose I wish to stay with you. (Dunn has gone up and is now L.—to Dunn) You Pet—the Master—is the ruler here.
Car. (in great tribulation; to Helen) She called him pet.
Dunn. (crossing back of Niobe R. C.) Yes! yes! but I never interfere in domestic matters. Mrs. Dunn’s sister manages everything. (aside as he goes back L.) Don’t forget what I told you; be obsequious.
Nio. Ah, that’s well remembered. (to Helen) I had forgotten; I am to be obsequious to you; Yes Ma’am—and cringe to you—“Yes Ma’am!” It was the master’s wish—agree with the old cat in all things, yes Ma’am!
Niobe backing up stage with speech, turns and exits C. and R.
Car. (goes up C., looks after Niobe—then down C.—to Dunn, who in desperation is strumming on the piano) So Peter! you are prompting her to deceit.
Dunn. (L.) Deceit, my dear! What! Where’s the deceit? (Carrie indignant, crosses R.)
Hel. (coming C.) It’s true there was little show of confusion, in spite of the indelicacy of the situation.
Dunn. What indelicacy? The poor girl required soothing, and no wonder; you’d make a china dog homesick.
Hel. It did not take you long to acquire an interest in this person.
Dunn. What d’ye mean by acquiring an interest? She’s not a joint stock company!
Car. (R.) Oh, Peter, and we thought it was illness kept you at home.
Dunn. (crossing to Carrie) Carrie! My dear!
Hel. But it’s obvious now why you stayed away from the office.
Car. And she is no prettier than I.
Hel. Some men are captivated by impudence.
Dunn. (between them) It’s a wonder you’ve remained single, so long.
Hel. I have too constant a reminder before me of the mistake of married life, ever to venture.
Dunn. Oh! The venture would be—on the other side: you run no risk!
Car. You must admit, Peter, that this woman, the new governess——
Dunn impatient, with an exclamation, crosses R. to window.
Hel. Carrie, don’t make foolish remarks you may be sorry for; to say too much is to put him on his guard. Come—(puts Carrie over) to your room—not a word—you’re excited. I’ll keep an eye on this Miss Mifton.
Exits, following Carrie L. D.
Dunn. (taking stage R. to L.; kicking stool away) Where will it end? What am I to do? (sitting on couch) Send off that infernal Telegram to the real governess. She must be detained where she is for the present, and bought off; I shall have to go to Leamington, see her, and bribe her to take some other engagement, and I don’t know how I am to do it!
Enter Innings C. R.
Inn. (coming down) If I can find Corney——
Dunn. (aside) Ah! Innings! Here’s the very man! (Dunn shakes Inning’s hand bringing him down on his R.) Innings, how are you—glad to see you! I don’t know that I ever met a man that I took to more readily than I did to you.
Inn. (R. C.) Ha! Ha! Well! What favour do you want me to do for you?
Dunn. Favour! Oh! I wanted you to travel.
Inn. Travel?
Dunn. Yes! It isn’t far! You have lots of time on your hands.
Inn. (R. C.) I don’t travel on my hands! I couldn’t go to-day. To-morrow early, if you like?
Dunn. (L. C.) It would be better to-day, but to-morrow will do.
Inn. Have I nothing to do but travel? Isn’t there an object?
Dunn. Oh yes! I can trust you I know. I want you to go to Leamington for me, to see a Miss Mifton, who is coming here as governess.
Inn. Coming! I thought she was here!
Dunn. Eh! Oh no! This is another one, she’s not the same—that is a different one to the other. There are lots of them at this time of year; the woods are full of ’em.
Inn. Of what?
Dunn. Miftons! (going across R.) I’m getting so muddled, I have to send a telegram—I’ll explain as we go. Give me your arm. (going up C. arm in arm) I’m bilious—I mean I’m weak this morning. I—oh this deception—there’s no money in it.
Enter Beatrice C. from R., as Dunn and Innings are going up.
Inn. Good morning, Miss Sillocks!
Dunn. Good morning, Bea. Have you stepped in to see Hattie? (calls) Hattie! Hattie! (turning round with Innings on his arm) You’ll find her in the Telegraph office—back in a jiffey! Where are you Innings? (turning) Oh, there you are. Come along!
Dunn exits with Innings C. and R.
Bea. (down R.) Something has excited him.
Hattie enters L. D.
Hat. Good morning, Bea!
Bea. (kissing her) Good morning, dear. How are the babies?
Hat. Flourishing! You look quite serious this morning! What’s the matter, Bea?
Bea. (R. C.) I have had a shock.
Hat. (C.) Galvanic?
Bea. No, no! Well, an unpleasantness—a letter.
Hat. It wasn’t from Corney then?
Bea. No! From a Miss Mifton!
Hat. Madeline Mifton? Why it’s our new governess!
Bea. (goes C.) But she writes from Chester. See! there’s the postmark.
Hat. (looking) Why, it’s three weeks old; been all over the country, misdirected! What’s in it?
Bea. She has seen something of my intended marriage with Corney in some of the Society papers, and asks for his address.
Hat. That is suspicious, isn’t it? But I dare say Corney can explain. (aside) He’s good at explaining—(aloud) I wouldn’t let it worry me.
Bea. I will not, if Corney assures me I’ve no reason to mistrust.
Hat. Oh, he’ll do that! Did you find out if it’s true that Peter had a sister?
Bea. Oh yes! Papa says Mr. Dunn’s sister is a most charming person.
Hat. Fancy that! and I never even heard of her; that’s Helen’s doings—(Helen speaks off) Mum! She’s here.
Hattie and Beatrice go L. to couch, as Helen and Carrie enter L. D.
Hel. (C.) Good morning, Miss Sillocks! How is your Papa?
Hat. Do tell, Bea. Helen has great interest in your papa, he’s a widower;—and Helen is “nuts” on widowers.
Hel. Hattie! Tell the new Governess we wish to see her.
Hat. (L.) Don’t get excited Bea. She is pretty, but I don’t believe she’s Corney’s kind.
Hattie exits up steps C. and R.
Car. (crossing R.) We have engaged a Miss Mifton to superintend the children’s education; but Helen has doubts as to her competency.
Hel. It will not take five minutes to satisfy ourselves; I’ll put a few questions to her, and if she cannot answer them satisfactorily a fortnight’s wages, in lieu of notice, will have to satisfy her. (sitting R. C., front of table; Carrie sits R. of Helen)
Enter Hattie C. from R., Niobe following; Hattie goes down L. to Bea.; Niobe C., top of steps.
Bea. What a lovely woman! Oh, Hattie! I believe Corney has been in love with her.
Hat. Oh, nonsense!
Nio. (on steps) Hail to you!
Hattie and Bea. on couch; all surprised; Niobe advances.
Car. Sit down, Miss Mifton!
Nio. Thank you! I am not tired, and stand to take mine ease.
Hel. I wish to ask you a few questions, Miss Mifton, to see if you are capable of the training and instruction of the young. You write and cypher, of course? I need not ask?
Nio. (standing C.) I would not then. Why speak of what is needless!
Hel. (after business of looking at Niobe) What is your definition of Geography?
Nio. It matters not since I am authorized—to bow my will to yours; what you would have it—say—and that it is.
Helen turns and looks at Carrie.
Hat. (laughing) Just the thing for you Helen; you can have it all your own way, (an educational Phonograph). You breathe in what is to be learned, and she’ll breathe it out again.
Hel. (R. C.—to Carrie) This sounds like prevarication. (to Niobe) You would not have me describe the divisions of the land and sea; tell you the names of the Continents.
Nio. Oh, yes, I would; that is, if you know them.
Hel. Know them——
Helen rising—Carrie calms and soothes Helen, who again sits.
Hat. Ha! Ha! She doesn’t! She doesn’t!
Car. Hattie! Do not interrupt the examination.
Hel. (re-seated) It’s not a question of what I know, Miss Mifton, I’ll undertake to say, you don’t know what a Continent is? (pause) You don’t!
Nio. (C.) I don’t! I was to agree with you in all things.
Hel. If I asked you to name the Capital of Norway or the location of the Red Sea, what would you say?
Nio. (at a loss—pauses—then in imitation of Dunn’s voice, curtseying) Yes Ma’am!
Hel. Do you call that an answer? (rises angrily—Carrie soothes her)
Nio. Yes Ma’am! (Helen sits again)
Bea. She looks intelligent; this must be all pretence.
Car. She has better knowledge, perhaps, of home affairs.
Hel. (seated) What was the cause of the last War?
Nio. (C., confidently) A quarrel which broke out, upon the rights of which I would not speak, for it was ended nearly when I was born.
Hel. (turns slightly from Niobe) We don’t want to know your age.
Hat. How many years did it last?
Nio. Ten!
Hat. Oh, she is a treat!
Hel. Be quiet, Hattie! Can you play the Piano?
Nio. I cannot tell you that, for I have never tried.
Hel. That’s meant for impudence, I suppose.
Nio. (confused—curtseying) Yes Ma’am!
Hel. (rising) You must be an idiot, or it is possible, you believe me one?
Nio. (curtseying) Yes Ma’am!
Hattie laughing; Helen frowns, falls into seat; Carrie rises; enter Dunn C., endeavours to get off L., meets Corney from L. D.; Dunn comes down L. of Niobe; Corney down L. to Bea. and Hattie; Beatrice afterwards shows Corney letter, Corney protesting in pantomime.
Car. Peter! Peter! this girl appears to be ignorant on every subject!
Dunn. (L. C.) Why, of course, if you’ve been asking her things she doesn’t know!
Hel. (seated) She won’t do, Peter. Her mind is a complete blank.
Dunn. (crossing to Helen) Yes! On trivial modern accomplishments, perhaps, but—have you asked her anything about Ancient history?
Hel. No!
Dunn. Have you spoken Greek to her?
Hel. No!
Dunn. I thought not! Even you don’t know everything. (as Dunn turns to Niobe, she tries to embrace him; he avoids her, and crosses quickly to Corney) Corney, ask her something about Ancient history; the more Ancient the better.
Corn. (L.) I’ve forgotten all I ever knew.
Dunn. That doesn’t matter, she’ll answer you all right!
Corn. Where was Homer born?
Nio. In Scios!
Dunn. There you see! First go!
Corn. (L. H.) What were the—er—names of the nine Muses?
Nio. (C.) Clio, Calliope, Euterpe, Erato, Melpomene, Polyhymnia, Terpsichore, Thalia, Urania.
Dunn. (crossing to Helen) Cyclopædias! What more do you want?
Hel. (facing audience) What good will it do the children to know the names of the Muses?
Dunn. (R. C.) Oh, I beg your pardon! We don’t pay enough attention to Ancient history now-a-days. (Dunn crosses again to Corney, L.) Corney, speak Greek to her.
Hattie and Beatrice have gone up C.
Corn. Can’t! “Hoi polloi” is the only expression I remember.
Dunn. Well, go on, give her that!
Corn. Hoi polloi!
Dunn. Hoi polly! Give her time—now—give her time——
Hel. She is no use whatever! She can’t even play the Piano.
Hat. (L. C.) How do you know! She has never tried.
Hattie exits laughing, with Beatrice C. and R.
Dunn. (comes down L. C.) Well, if she can’t, the Piano is not so very desirable for young children; and she may be great on the Triangle or the Jew’s harp.
Corn. And no doubt Miss Mifton will soon learn if you insist on it. (aside) I must keep the right side of her.
Hel. (rises) Absurd! She has not the intelligence of an insect.
Nio. (C.) It is not a necessity, for I am beautiful. It is such as you who need intelligence.
Corn. Phew! That’s a facer!
Hel. (rises fiercely) Minx! How dare you!
Nio. (clinging to Dunn as she recoils from Helen, to L. of Dunn) Petramos! I ask protection from this Medusa!
Dunn. Of course! Yes! Helen, you’re too severe.
Nio. (L. C., rising) Helen! Ah! Like her of Troy, at whom the finger of scandal pointed. (pose, as if denouncing Helen)
Hel. It is false! The story is untrue!
Car. Be calm, Helen!
Dunn turns up C., back to audience, shaking with laughter.
Hel. (R. C.) How dare you hint at scandal against me; but such innuendos will not deter me. Peter! This woman leaves this house, or I do!
Nio. (L. C.) Then there is little doubt which of us two will go. He’d sooner fifty fold, that I should stay.
Dunn. (turning round C.) I must endorse that truism, if it ruins me. I would! Damme! there! (turns again up stage)
Hel. Caroline, you hear!
Car. (R. C.) Peter, after this you must see that it is absolutely necessary for this person to depart.
Carrie sobs in Helen’s arms.
Corn. Confound Helen! Mifton will be on to me next.
Enter Innings from L. D., drops down L.
Hel. (R. C.) Carrie, you have been patient and long suffering, but there is a limit.
Dunn. (C.) Yes! There is a limit. And you’ve gone it. It’s my say now, and I am reckless, and may raise the devil!
Nio. (kneeling and clinging to him) Petramos, restrain! Be merciful! Invoke not now the curses of the gods!
Dunn. Oh, hang the gods! Be quiet, you only make things worse!
Nio. (bursting into tears, rising and falling on Dunn’s neck) Oh, Petramos!
Carrie sees the situation, and sobs loudly.
Dunn. (C.) She’s at it again!
Corn. It’s a shame—poor girl—why——
Inn. (aside to Corney) Don’t waste your superfluous sympathies, that is not Miss Mifton at all.
Corn. What! Can it be the women are right in their suspicions? What a blackguard Peter is!
Hel. (embracing Carrie) When you have finished comforting that shameless creature, you may observe your wife needs consolation.
Dunn. Certainly! Corney! comfort my wife, can’t you?
Corn. (L. of Niobe) Don’t try to make me a party to your vile intrigues! (goes to L. corner)
Dunn. What’s come to you? (Dunn tries to get at Corney, but turns back to Carrie) Listen to me, Carrie! I admit circumstances are——
Car. Go away! I never wish to speak to you again!
They go up C.; Dunn going L.; Carrie R.
Hel. (R., to Niobe) Begone, Hussy! Leave the House!
Nio. (C.) Not at your bidding. Petramos is lord, and Petramos decrees that I abide with him! (as if going to Dunn)
Omnes. (strong) Oh, Peter!!! (Niobe gets over R., up stage)
Dunn. (wildly excited, coming down R. C.) In a sense, Miss Mifton is right. She came here with an irreproachable character and the highest references, and as the Master of the house, knowing nothing to her discredit, I am responsible for her. Miss Mifton is here and for the present must remain. (goes to R. of Corney)
Hat. (who has entered C. and has tried to get a word with Dunn, taking up Dunn’s tone) That’s what I tell her, but she insists it can’t be.
Hel. Of whom are you speaking?
Hat. The lady here, who is asking for Mr. Dunn.
Dunn. (L. C.; facing audience) What lady? What’s her business? Who is she?
Turns and confronts Miss Mifton, who has entered C. and just reached L. C.
Mift. The new Governess, Miss Mifton!
Niobe advances R. C. close to Miss Mifton, who turns and recognises her dress.
Dunn. (L. C.) The other Mifton!
Corn. (L.) Another Mifton!
Ladies. Two Miftons! What infamy! (together)
Niobe and Miss Mifton stand looking at each other; Niobe doing her usual action of “Hail to you!” Picture of consternation and surprise, by other characters as curtain falls.
QUICK CURTAIN.
N. B.—No Second Picture. Company Call.
ACT III.
Time.—The same day as Act II. A few hours later.
Scene.—Another side of the same room. The fireplace centre, the bay window cornerwise L. of fireplace; the hallway R. U.; screen below it; when open, covers a door down R.; couch and piano off; table is L. C.; chairs, etc.; low chair at a small table against scene down L.; fire in fireplace.
Helen discovered seated R. of fireplace; Carrie seated L.; Corney, back to fireplace, standing smoking.
Hel. (R. C., seated) There is nothing left us but departure. Mr. Dunn’s falsehoods, and the woman’s shamelessness, render any further stay impossible. We are decided to leave his roof.
Corn. Certainly! Leave him the entire house; you’ve raised it about his ears, you can’t do more.
Car. How he has deceived us!
Hel. What lies he has told us.
Corn. Hasn’t he? Beauties! What a political future for a man who could lie like Peter!
Car. I’m appalled to find he is so wicked.
Corn. And mad to think you never suspected him. You feel so mean at having been fooled, don’t you? Why, I positively looked up to him. Ah! It’s the same old story, scores of presumably, blameless, spotless men, only waiting to be found out.
Car. (rises) We cannot longer remain under the same roof with him.
Down to table, packing trinkets in small bag on table. Helen rises and goes to cabinet up R.
Corn. Of course not, and the only question is, who’s to quit! We can, but why shouldn’t he? There’s four of us, and only one of him.
Hel. And her, the woman. (crossing to table with small vase)
Corn. Yes! Well, it would be far less trouble to arrange for us to remain, and let him go, and take her along with him.
Hel. and Car. (Carrie turning quickly from window) Corney!!
Hel. How can you suggest such a breach of propriety? (back to cabinet for another small treasure)
Corn. I can’t see that it’s worse than leaving them here. Beside it would save the inconvenience of packing, and as far as I’m concerned, I don’t relish getting out of my comfortable quarters for a trifle. (sits in chair R. of fireplace, stretching himself)
Helen crossing to table L. C. with vase—Carrie packing with tissue paper, and placing in bag on table.
Hel. A trifle?
Corn. Well, say a serious little thing!
Car. She is not a serious little thing! (Carrie rings bell on table L.)
Corn. It’s foolish to hurry our departure in any case. Give them time, and we may find they have eloped, and left us in possession. (Corney gets L. of fireplace on Mary’s entrance)
Car. How can you hint at anything so shocking? (at table L., getting photo) If Peter can clear himself, I will give him one more opportunity.
Hel. (taking photo out of Carrie’s hand) And one more chance for new and greater falsehoods. (crosses back to cabinet R. and puts down photo. Mary enters from hallway R., front of them)
Car. Where is Mr. Dunn?
Mary. (R. C.) He’s gone, Ma’am!
Corn. (rises quickly) There! What did I say?
Hel. (advancing R.) Gone! Gone where?
Mary. Gone out, Ma’am!
Car. And Miss Mifton—is—she in the house?
Mary. Yes Ma’am, both of them. The one, the first one, was on the point of going out, but Miss Mifton, the second, stopped her and says: “No you don’t, not in them clothes; take my frock off,” she said, and the high words they’ve been having you might have heard down here.
Hattie enters R. C.
Hat. (R. C.) A downright quarrel over the nursery table.
Corn. Well, if I’m a judge of character, number two could hold her own.
Hat. Oh, the other’s no duffer.
Hel. Hattie! Such language. (Mary exits R. to hallway)
Hat. She has such dignity, she’s withering. She curled the new one up, I can tell you.
Hel. And where are they now?
Hat. Number one is on the roof.
Innings enters R.
Inn. (entering) I say, it’s awful, you know, there’s a crowd collecting in front of the house; I think they imagine it’s a sleep-walking seance——
Shouts of mob off L.; all run to window except Innings and Hattie.
Hel. (returning) What do they want?
Corn. What’s the matter? What is it?
Inn. One of the Miftons, the Governess, is on the tiles.
Shouts; same business as before.
Hel. What a disgrace!
Car. What is she doing on the roof?
Hat. I don’t know, the step ladder was there, and she ran up through the skylight, she’s calling out Phœbus! Phœbus! and waving her arms about like this. (Hattie down R., and comes over again)
Hel. Tell her to come down.
Corn. She must belong to some new sect that has taken up the old Pagan idolatry.
Inn. Yes! That’s it! She’s calling on the gods.
Shouts; all to window again.
Car. But why up there—why upon the roof?
Hat. Thinks she’s getting nearer to ’em, up there.
Corn. Tell her to try the upper story of a residential flat.
Hat. Or the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Hattie exits to hall R. U. E.
Inn. (following) If she would like to go up in a balloon, I shall be delighted——
Innings exits R.
Hel. When will our humiliation cease? (crosses R.)
Miss Mifton enters R. U. E.
Mift. (R. C.; speaking as she enters) I will not put up with it—you will pardon me troubling you; but if I cannot get my rights any other way, I must send for the policeman.
Corn. I fancy the Cook’s got a mortgage on him! (comes down L.)
Car. (L. C.) What is it you want, Miss Mifton?
Mift. (indignantly, C.) My wearing apparel, Mrs. Dunn! That imposter is in possession of my trunk, and is still wearing some of my dresses.
Hel. What insufferable impudence!
Car. Have you asked her to give them up?
Mift. I did more than ask; I insisted; I commanded her to take my property off her back; and she replied, by imploring Artemis, to strike me dumb. (puts her hands up a-la-Niobe)
Hel. Artemis, who?
Corn. Artemis Ward, of course. She meant it in some humorous way, probably.
Car. (L. C.) What a vindictive wretch she must be.
Mift. (R. C.) The most annoying part of it is she won’t lose her temper; she simply waves me off, and says, “The audience hour is noon.”
Corn. (L.) A new way of implying “At home, Thursdays, 12 to 2.”
Car. Miss Mifton, will you please be patient, and silent, too; endeavour to spare us the pain of a great scandal.
Mift. You may rely on my discretion, Mrs. Dunn.
Hel. Be prepared to leave with us, and have the children ready.
Mift. I’ll do my best, but she has set the dear pets against me. They won’t leave her side.
Car. (crosses R. to Helen) Oh, Helen, this is the bitterest blow of all.
Hel. (following Carrie down R.) Don’t despair Carrie. Miss Mifton is, as yet, new to them; you at least will be able to lure the darlings from the pernicious influence.
Crosses to table and gets hand-bag.
Corn. (aside) If I can get a chance, I’ll have my little business out with Miss Mifton at once.
Hel. (crossing back with hand-bag) We will see to the children ourselves, Miss Mifton. (crosses R. of Carrie) Come Carrie, we must first send to a Hotel and secure rooms! The very air here seems loathsome.
Helen exits with Carrie R. I. E.
Corn. Yes, there’s an escape of gas somewhere.
Mift. (looks after Carrie and Helen—then speaks down R.—aside) He’s here! Now is my opportunity to endeavour to obtain my sister’s letters.
Corn. (L.—aside) The annoyance she’s meeting with will make her more spiteful to me. I must pacify her the first thing. (aloud) We deeply regret the vile treatment you have received. I myself am pained beyond measure at the ignominy you have suffered. (Dunn enters R. U. E., as if from street, with paper parcel, puts down hat on cabinet, up R.) And if it were not for the ties of relationship, Mr. Dunn should answer to me for his dastardly conduct.
Dunn. (coming down C.) Should he? If you will only show your authority for questioning, Mr. Dunn is prepared with unlimited replies.
Corn. I have merely the authority of equity and common justice.
Dunn. Justice for whom?
During following scene Corney bullies Dunn very considerably.
Corn. (L. C.) Justice for all.
Dunn. (C.) That’s rather a large order, isn’t it? and you might find your portion of it, a little more than you bargained for; as for the little inconvenience Miss Mifton has experienced——
Mift. (R. C.) It is no small matter, Mr. Dunn, to have your trunk seized and your dresses appropriated.
Corn. Even her very name has been stolen.
Dunn. How do you know? I suppose there may be other Miftons? (to Mifton) You don’t quite claim a monopoly for the name, do you Mifton?
Mift. It’s a remarkable coincidence, that I should find a person of my name, occupying my situation.
Dunn. You were so long coming to fill it. You threw away your chances.
Mift. I merely delayed to call upon some friends.
Corn. (going to Dunn C.) The fact of Miss Mifton being delayed is no excuse for the pretence.
Dunn. But it accounts for the mistake. We had engaged a Miss Mifton, and a Miss Mifton came; it was a case of first come—first serve.
Mift. But she appears here in my tea gown—she’s wearing my clothes.
Dunn. That’s your fault again for sending them on. If you had come in them, it couldn’t have happened. And there’s no desire to keep your clothes. The lady will get some made with all possible dispatch. I have here samples of materials that I have obtained for her to select from. (showing parcel)
N. B.—This parcel contains a number of small sample cuttings of dress goods, a printed measure form to fill up, tape measure and pencil.
Corn. You take a remarkable interest in this woman.
Dunn. The interest one naturally feels for the unprotected. She is an Orphan; of long standing; she is misjudged and suffering an injustice.
Corney goes up to window L.
Mift. (R. C.) You are strangely blind to my grievances, Mr. Dunn. You engaged me as Governess, and I came here to teach your children.
Dunn. (C.) No! No! Let us be correct. You came here to hunt down the gay deceiver—(indicating Corney, who comes quickly down to him C.) who trifled with the young affections of a confiding Mifton.
Corn. (aside to Dunn) Don’t be a fool Peter; she’ll put up the damages, a couple of thousand, on a remark like that. (aloud) What reason have you to suppose—who could have told you such was the object of the lady’s visit?
Dunn. (C.) You told me yourself, and asked me to speak to Miss Mifton.
Corn. (L. C.) Not that one!
Dunn. But you meant that one. Why, the other hasn’t had a sister for years and years. And it’s the sister you had broken off with. (goes up and unties parcel at cabinet R.)
Corn. (R.) I never said she was broken off.
Mift. (comes down R. C.) I admit I took the engagement for the purpose, if it proved the same, of speaking with Mr. Griffin of my sister; and if he still loved her, to prepare him for the worst.
Corn. (with mock grief) What! Is she dead? My bonny Ethel, a thing of the past! Oh!
Falls into chair R. of table.
Mift. (crosses to Corney) No! No! Not that, Mr. Griffin; my sister still lives.
Corn. (rises) Oh, I see; you mean the worst if I refuse to compromise. Of course, it is to be regretted that mercenary motives should creep in, where once love reigned. And your case is not a strong one, Mr. Dunn will tell you——
Dunn. (at table, arranging his patterns under newspaper) No, Mr. Dunn won’t. Don’t drag me into your vile deceptions. I’ve enough to worry with my own.
Corn. Why can’t Ethel let by-gones be by-gones; she must know I was an impressionable young jackass; that we never could be happy together, at least I couldn’t, and she is very wrong, very wrong, to insist on marrying me.
Mift. (C.) She does not. How could she when she is already married?
Corn. (bus.) Married! Oh, Miss Mifton—oh—(aside) oh, this is lovely! (going to L. corner)
Dunn. Oh, what luck some people have!
Mift. (C.) I came to plead to your generosity; her husband believes she was never engaged before! She dreads you might disclose her deception, and expose her letters.
Corn. Ah! How she has misjudged me; I forgive her freely; she shall have her letters——
Mift. Thank you!
Corn. In exchange for mine, of course. It must be a sound reciprocal arrangement.
Mift. Yes! Yes! I have them in my trunk.
Corn. Good! When you are packing, I will take them.
Dunn. (coming down) And as you have now thoroughly accomplished the object of your coming, Miss Mifton, there is nothing further to detain you. I wish you good day. (taking her hand) I’m sorry you had so much trouble, but compensation will of course——
Mift. (withdrawing her hand, indignantly, and going R.) You are mistaken, Mr. Dunn. I could never consent to leave the ladies in their distress.
Corn. (crosses to Miss Mifton) That sentiment does you credit, Miss Mifton! Don’t be intimidated, I will stand by you.
Mift. (excitedly) I will not! (crosses C., Dunn running L.) I will send for an officer. I will demand my clothes—I cannot pack my dress while it is on the back of that person.
Going hurriedly R. and exits R. U. E.
Corn. (following her up) No! have it off! have it off! Send for the police.
Dunn. (L. C.) Do you know you’re spreading insubordination, Cornelius Griffin, and breeding contempt for me; the constituted authority of this house?
Corn. (returning C.) I can’t help that, Peter, I must stand up for the innocent and oppressed.
Dunn. (C.) Must you! How long has this wave of virtuous indignation been raging along your seaboard?
Corn. (R. C.) For several minutes! Aroused by the vile treatment of poor little Mifton; it was contemptible to seize her trunk and pick the lock. (goes R.)
Dunn. (following Corney closely) I did not. I only picked the key; and it was only by the merest chance that it fitted.
Corn. (backing Dunn to C.) But you have the nerve to utilize the contents of the said trunk to deck out your precious beauty!
Crosses to L. H.
Dunn. (follows Corney) What d’ye mean by deck out? She’s not a shop window, and don’t call her my beauty, I have never made any special claim to comeliness.
Corn. Oh, come Dunn! (gets L. of table)
Dunn. (R. of table) Don’t, Oh come Dunn me!
Corn. (turns on Dunn across table) I had a high opinion of you once.
Dunn. (same business) I never had a high opinion of you at any time.
Corn. I was mistaken.
Dunn. I wasn’t! You’re no good—you’re not solid; you’ve about as much vertebral support to you as a rubber pipe; you haven’t the pluck to stand by your own tom-fooleries, but shift the blame on to others.
Corn. (across table) You never will understand how necessary it is for me not to worry. The doctor says I cannot both worry and live.
Dunn. (across table) Then worry and die! I’ve had enough of this scapegoat business. You can allot me shares in a newer enterprise. (sits R. of table)
Corn. (crossing behind table to C.) And this is your gratitude to me for letting you down easy?
Dunn. (turning fiercely) Letting me down easy!
Corn. (C.) Why certainly! Being, so to say, sullied with my smaller vices has served to break your fall, hasn’t it? If you had possessed a spotless reputation, the effect of your colossal villainy now would be paralyzing.
Dunn. (aghast) My colossal villainy!
Corn. It’s bad enough as it is. Carrie has washed her hands of you; they are preparing to depart.
Dunn. Preparing to depart! What for?
Corn. (R. C.) What for? You must see that I cannot allow my sisters to remain longer under your roof. (turns from Dunn)
Dunn. Then take ’em away; you can take Helen away, and Hattie too, I can even spare Hattie, but Carrie ceased to be your sister when she became my wife; she is going to remain. (goes to low chair L., is about to sit)
Corn. (C.) There! I said you’d be agreeable to that. My argument was, that if somebody must go, it would be better for you to get out.
Dunn. Better—for me to get out!
Corn. Yes! You have only one trunk to pack! The girls have two each, and I have another, that’s seven.
Dunn. Yes, it’s seven to one against me; but I decline to be the outsider. (sits L.)
Corn. Well, don’t be too hasty in deciding—think it over. I shall not pack my traps till I hear from you, and I rely on your good sense to show you the value of my suggestions; Peter, you nearly worried me that time.
Corney exits R. I. D.
Dunn. Why! Why didn’t I tell the truth at first, as Niobe suggested. It might not have been believed; it wouldn’t have been, but I could have stuck to it instead of floundering about, and getting up to my neck in a quicksand of equivocation. (rises, going C.) If I can only get a dress made for her to go out in, I’ll send her to my sister, Mabel—who would believe whatever I might tell her. (turns to table back to audience)
Enter Niobe R. U. E.—comes down R. C.
Nio. (not seeing Dunn when first entering) Ah me! I would I were a stone again! Anything were better than to suffer such indignities as now I meet. Petramos! you will remove my cares as Eos lifts the sable pall of night.
Dunn. I don’t know anything of Knight’s pall. Don’t talk undertaking business. What is it?
Nio. That daughter of Athena claims these robes, the which you gave me yester e’en.
Dunn. Oh well, for the sake of peace give them to her. Avoid war if you can. There’s no money in it. (goes L.)
Nio. (following him slightly C.) Why yield to her when we might ostracise her?
Dunn. Because she’ll call in the police—if she hasn’t already done so.
Nio. Perlice? Is that some portion of the things we wear?
Dunn. No, no! Police—the Police—the gentlemen who guide and direct us—of whom we enquire the time—the officers of justice. They keep the peace—where nobody can find it.
Nio. Ah, the custodians of law and order? (Dunn nods affirmatively) Why, we have but to fill their hands with bribes.
Dunn. What! They were the same in the old time! We’ve trouble enough in the house without getting the police in. Of course, you couldn’t foresee the mischief you were doing, but you’ve ruined me. (Niobe starts) Yes, ruined me. My wife will leave me, and my family be scattered to the fore and hind quarters of the globe.
Crosses R. and rests head against side of screen.
Nio. (sees and takes paper knife from table) If I have wrecked your pleasure, let me die. You gave new life to me; ’tis yours, take it away.
Kneeling, offering paper knife with outstretched hands.
Dunn. With a paper knife! You can’t remove existence in that off-handed way. You’re flesh and blood now and it would be murder. If you were only electrified back to stone now, if you were only stone dead.
Nio. (rises—throws knife up stage) I’ll rouse again the wrath of High Olympus. (crosses R.)
Dunn. (annoyed) I’ve told you the firm went to smash long ago. Do be rational. You must go and give that woman her frock. Put on your own dress—your stone dress, till we can get you one made to go out in. (gets back of table a-la-shopman) I have here samples of materials and a choice variety of colours for you to select from. (takes newspaper off patterns)
Nio. Ah, Petramos! How good you are! (takes up patterns and places them on stage, kneeling, interested, and sorting them)
Dunn. (coming down L.) I was afraid to bring the dressmaker into the house, but I have full instructions here for measuring you. (coming down L. with printed form, taking out pencil and tape measures, which he hangs about his neck)
Nio. (on stage C., spreading out samples) It will be hard to choose from such a store of prettiness.
Dunn. (placing form on table) Yes, if you’d had about two, you might have come to a decision. Don’t scatter them about, you haven’t time to play patience now. I suppose it doesn’t matter much where I begin on her, so that I fill up the form! (he measures length of back, 18, crosses to table and writes it down) 18.
Nio. This pink and grey would be the sweetest match. If this dress is the fashion it becomes me well.
Dunn. (returning to R. of Niobe) Stand up, please—(placing her arm to measure sleeve, Niobe puts arm full up, Dunn goes up to door R., returns to Niobe and places arm in position; measures, 6. 13. 24., crosses to table) 6. 13. 24.
Nio. (C.) May I, too, have a full accordion skirt?
Dunn. (coming back to R. of Niobe) Oh yes, with concertina sleeves; and harmonican puffs if you like.
Nio. As you decide. Whom have I in the world but you! (going to embrace Dunn, as he places arm to measure bust; Niobe attempts to embrace him as he puts his hand around to measure her; Dunn gets the measurement and bobbing under arm, goes to table)
Dunn. Thirty-nine. (writes thirty-nine)
Nio. Why I am forty times as old as you. I think that grey would suit me.
Dunn. (returns to C. L. of Niobe, bringing card form with him; he goes to measure her waist—she embraces him ad lib. He falls on his knees and takes measurement) Waist 36. (Carrie enters R.; Niobe gets over on his L.; he measures skirt and sees Carrie’s foot, she having entered during business; Dunn falls flat on stage, muttering measurement and gathering up loose patterns, pushing them into his vest.)