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Odd craft [complete]

Chapter 4: ILLUSTRATIONS
By W. W. Jacobs
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British LiteratureHumourShort Stories

About This Book

A collection of short, comic sketches set among sailors, dockside characters, and provincial households, depicting petty schemes, misunderstandings, and social tiffs. Episodes include bungled attempts at saving or swindling, courtroom rows and domestic quarrels, occasional supernatural hints, and quick farces driven by dialect and local color. The pieces blend character portraiture with ironic twist endings, using sharp observation and lively dialogue to expose human foibles.

ILLUSTRATIONS

“SAILORMEN ARE NOT GOOD ’ANDS AT SAVING MONEY AS A RULE.”
“‘I AIN’T HIT A MAN FOR FIVE YEARS,’ ’E SES, STILL DANCING UP AND DOWN.”
“‘WOT’S THIS FOR?’ SES GINGER.”
“THEY PUT OLD ISAAC’S CLOTHES UP FOR FIFTEEN SHILLINGS.”
“OLD ISAAC KEPT ’EM THERE FOR THREE DAYS.”
“MRS. JOHN BOXER STOOD AT THE DOOR OF THE SHOP WITH HER HANDS CLASPED ON HER APRON.”
“‘WELL, LOOK ’ERE,’ SAID MR. BOXER, ‘I’VE TOLD YOU MY STORY AND I’VE GOT WITNESSES TO PROVE IT.’”
“THERE IS SOMETHING FORMING OVER YOU.”
“AH! WHAT IS THIS? A PIECE OF WRECKAGE WITH A MONKEY CLINGING TO IT?”
“‘HAVE YOU LEFT ANYTHING INSIDE THAT YOU WANT?’ SHE INQUIRED.”
“‘YOU VILLAIN!’ CRIED MRS. GIMPSON, VIOLENTLY. ‘I ALWAYS DISTRUSTED YOU.’”
“‘FATHER WAS SO PLEASED TO SEE YOU BOTH COME IN,’ SHE SAID, SOFTLY.”
“SHE ASKED ME WHETHER YOU USED A WARMING-PAN.”
“‘BAH! YOU ARE BACKING OUT OF IT,’ SAID THE IRRITATED MR. TURNBULL.”
“WITH A WILD SHRIEK, HE SHOT SUDDENLY OVER THE EDGE AND DISAPPEARED.”
“YOU TAKE MY ADVICE AND GET ’OME AND GET TO BED.”
“WHEN ANY OF THE THREE QUARRELLED HE USED TO ACT THE PART OF PEACEMAKER.”
“BILL JUMPED INTO A CAB AND PULLED PETER RUSSET IN ARTER ’IM.”
“PATTED BILL ON THE BACK, VERY GENTLE.”
“PICKED OUT THE SOFTEST STAIR ’E COULD FIND.”
“OLD SAM SAID ’OW SURPRISED HE WAS AT THEM FOR LETTING BILL DO IT.”
“LAWYER QUINCE.”
“‘COME DOWN TO HAVE A LOOK AT THE PRISONER?’ INQUIRED THE FARMER.”
“‘NONE O’ YER IMPUDENCE,’ SAID THE FARMER.”
“I THOUGHT ALL ALONG LAWYER QUINCE WOULD HAVE THE LAUGH OF YOU.”
“‘HOW DID YOU GET IN THAT SHED?’ DEMANDED HER PARENT.”
“HE GOT ’IMSELF VERY MUCH LIKED, ESPECIALLY BY THE OLD LADIES.”
“MRS. PRINCE WAS SITTING AT ’ER FRONT DOOR NURSING ’ER THREE CATS.”
“HE TOOK IT ROUND, AND EVERYBODY ’AD A LOOK AT IT.”
“SHE SAT LISTENING QUITE QUIET AT FUST.”
“THE DOCTOR FELT ’IS PULSE AND LOOKED AT ’IS TONGUE.”
“MR. RICHARD CATESBY, SECOND OFFICER OF THE SS. WIZARD, EMERGED FROM THE DOCK-GATES IN HIGH GOOD-HUMOUR.”
“MR. CATESBY MADE A FEW INQUIRIES.”
“‘I’M JUST GOING AS FAR AS THE CORNER,’ SAID MRS. TRUEFITT.”
“I’LL GO AND PUT ON A CLEAN COLLAR.”
“I’LL LOOK AFTER THAT, MA’AM.”
“MR. SAMUEL GUNNILL CAME STEALTHILY DOWN THE WINDING STAIRCASE.”
“THE CONSTABLE WATCHED HIM WITH THE AIR OF A PROPRIETOR.”
“HE SAW THE DOOR JUST OPENING TO ADMIT THE FORTUNATE HERBERT.”
“MR. SIMS WATCHED HER TENDERLY AS SHE DREW THE BEER.”
“FROM THE KITCHEN CAME SOUNDS OF HAMMERING.”
“‘DON’T CALL ON ME AS A WITNESS, THAT’S ALL,’ CONTINUED MR. DRILL.”
“‘POACHING,’ SAID THE OLD MAN, ‘AIN’T WOT IT USED TO BE IN THESE ’ERE PARTS.’”
“‘I SHALL ’AVE ’EM AFORE LONG,’ SES MR. CUTTS.”
“THREE MEN BURST OUT O’ THE PLANTATION.”
“BOB PRETTY POINTED WITH ’IS FINGER EXACTLY WHERE ’E THOUGHT IT WAS.”
“‘YOU OUGHT TO BE MORE CAREFUL,’ SES BOB.”
“TALKING ABOUT EDDICATION, SAID THE NIGHT-WATCHMAN.”
“‘GO AND SLEEP SOMEWHERE ELSE, THEN,’ SES DIXON.”
“YOU’D BETTER GO UPSTAIRS AND PUT ON SOME DECENT CLOTHES.”
“CHARLIE HAD ’AD AS MUCH AS ’E WANTED AND WAS LYING ON THE SEA-CHEST.”
“THE WAY SHE ANSWERED HER ’USBAND WAS A PLEASURE TO EVERY MARRIED MAN IN THE BAR.”
“MR. JOHN BLOWS STOOD LISTENING TO THE FOREMAN WITH AN AIR OF LOFTY DISDAIN.”
“‘JOE!’ SHOUTED MR. BLOWS. ‘J-O-O-OE!’”
“‘THEY DRAGGED THE RIVER,’ RESUMED HIS WIFE, ‘AND FOUND THE CAP.’”
“IN A PITIABLE STATE OF ‘NERVES’ HE SAT AT THE EXTREME END OF A BENCH.”
“MR. BLOWS, CONSCIOUS OF THE STRENGTH OF HIS POSITION, WALKED UP TO THEM.”
“DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT LOVE, BECAUSE I’VE SUFFERED ENOUGH THROUGH IT.”
“MISS TUCKER.”
“‘LET GO O’ THAT YOUNG LADY’S ARM,’ HE SES.”
“BILL LUMM, ’AVING PEELED, STOOD LOOKING ON WHILE GINGER TOOK ’IS THINGS OFF.”
“THE WAY HE CARRIED ON WHEN THE LANDLADY FRIED THE STEAK SHOWED ’OW UPSET HE WAS.”
“SEATED AT HIS EASE IN THE WARM TAP-ROOM OF THE CAULIFLOWER.”
“PUTTING HIS ’AND TO BILL’S MUG, HE TOOK OUT A LIVE FROG.”
“HE WAS RUNNING ALONG TO BOB PRETTY’S AS FAST AS ’IS LEGS WOULD TAKE ’IM.”
“AFORE ANYBODY COULD MOVE, HE BROUGHT IT DOWN BANG ON THE FACE O’ THE WATCH.”
“THE SCREAM ’E GAVE AS GEORGE KETTLE POINTED THE PISTOL AT ’IM WAS AWFUL.”
“SAT AT THE DOOR OF HIS LODGINGS GAZING IN PLACID CONTENT AT THE SEA.”
“MR. STILES WAS AFFECTING A STATELINESS OF MANNER WHICH WAS NOT WITHOUT DISTINCTION.”
“MR. STILES CALLED THE WIDOW A ‘SAUCY LITTLE BAGGAGE.’”
“‘GOOD RIDDANCE,’ SAID MR. BURTON, SAVAGELY.”