Old lamps for new

I

Inquiries which have been made by one of our representatives yield the gratifying tidings that Kildin Hall, the superb Tudor residence vacated a year or so ago by Lord Glossthorpe, is again let. The new tenant, who will be a valued addition to the neighbourhood, is Mr. Michael Stirring, a retired banker.

II

From “The Eastbury Herald,” 2 Sept.

Inquiries which have been made by one of our representatives yield the gratifying tidings that Kildin Hall, the superb Tudor residence vacated a year or so ago by Lord Glossthorpe, is again let. The new tenant, who will be a valued addition to the neighbourhood, is Mr. Michael Stirring, a retired baker.

III
Mr. Guy Lander, Estate Agent, to the Editor of “The Eastbury Herald.”

Dear Ted,—There’s a fearful bloomer in your paper this week, which you must put right as soon as you can. Mr. Stirring, who has taken Kildin, is not a baker, but a banker.

Yours,  G. L.

IV
The Editor of “The Eastbury Herald” to Mr. Guy Lander.

My Dear Guy,—Of course it’s only a misprint. Pippett wrote “banker” right enough, and the ass of a compositor dropped out the “n.” I’ll put it right next week. No sensible person would mind.

Yours, Edward Hedges.

V
Mrs. Michael Stirring to the Editor of “The Eastbury Herald.”

Sir,—My attention has been called to a very serious misstatement in your paper for Saturday last. It is there stated that my husband, Mr. Michael Stirring, who has taken Kildin Hall, is a retired baker. This is absolutely false. Mr. Stirring is a retired banker, than which nothing could be much more different. Mr. Stirring is at this moment too ill to read the papers, and the slander will therefore be kept from him a little longer, but what the consequences will be when he hears of it I tremble to think. Kindly assure me that you will give the denial as much publicity as the falsehood.

Yours faithfully,
Augusta Stirring.

VI
The Editor of “The Eastbury Herald” to Mrs. Michael Stirring.

The Editor of “The Eastbury Herald” presents his compliments to Mrs. Stirring and begs to express his profound regret that the misprint of which she complains should have crept into his paper. That it was a misprint and not an intentional misstatement he has the reporter’s copy to prove. He will, of course, insert in the next issue of “The Eastbury Herald” a paragraph correcting the error, but he would point out to Mrs. Stirring that it was also stated in the paragraph that Mr. Stirring would be a valued addition to the neighbourhood.

VII
Mrs. Stirring to the Editor of “The Eastbury Herald.”

Sir,—Whatever the cause of the slander, whether malice or misadventure, the fact remains that you have done a very cruel thing. I enclose a cutting from the London Press, sent me by a friend, which will show you that the calumny is becoming widely spread. Mr. Stirring is so weak and dispirited that we fear he may have got some inkling of it. Your position if he discovers the worst will be terrible.

I am,  Yours faithfully,
Augusta Stirring.

(The Enclosure)
From “The Morning Star”
Signs of the Times

We get the new movement in a nutshell in the report from Eastbury that Lord Glossthorpe has let his historic house to a retired baker named Stirring, etc., etc.

VIII
From “The Eastbury Herald” 9 Sept.

Erratum.—In our issue last week an unfortunate misprint made us state that the new tenant of Kildin Hall was a retired baker. The word was of course banker.

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Mr. John Bridger, Baker, to the Editor of “The Eastbury Herald.”

Dear Hedges,—I was both pained and surprised to find a man of your principles and a friend of mine writing of bakers as you did this week. Why should you “of course” have meant a banker? Why cannot a retired baker take a fine house if he wants to? I am thoroughly ashamed of you, and wish to withdraw my advertisement from your paper.

Yours truly, John Bridger.

X

Messrs. Greenery & Bills, Steam Bakery, Dumbridge.

Dear Sir,—After the offensive slur upon bakers in the current number of your paper we feel that we have no other course but to withdraw our advertisement; so please discontinue it from this date.

Yours faithfully,
Greenery & Bills.

XI
Mrs. Stirring to the Editor of “The Eastbury Herald.”

Sir,—I fear you have not done your best to check the progress of your slanderous paragraph, since only this morning I received the enclosed. You will probably not be surprised to learn that through your efforts the old-world paradise of Kildin, in which we had hoped to end our days, has been rendered impossible. We could not settle in a new neighbourhood with such an initial handicap.

Yours truly, Augusta Stirring.

(The Enclosure)
From “The Daily Leader”
The Triumph of Democracy

After lying empty for nearly two years Lord Glossthorpe’s country seat has been let to a retired baker named Stirring, etc., etc.

XII
Mrs. Michael Stirring to Mr. Guy Lander.

Dear Sir,—After the way that the good name and fame of my husband and myself have been poisoned both in the local and the London Press, we cannot think further of coming to live at Kildin Hall. Every post brings from one or other of my friends some paragraph perpetuating the lie. Kindly therefore consider the negotiations completely at an end. I am, Yours faithfully,

Augusta Stirring.

XIII
The Editor of “The Eastbury Herald” to Mr. John Bridger.

Dear Bridger,—You were too hasty. A man has to do the best he can. When I wrote “of course,” I meant it as a stroke of irony. In other words, I was, and am, and ever shall be, on your side. You will be glad to hear that in consequence of the whole thing I have got notice to leave, my proprietor being under obligations to Lord Glossthorpe, and you may therefore restore your patronage to “The Herald” with a clear conscience.

Yours sincerely, Edward Hedges.

XIV
The Editor of “The Eastbury Herald” to Mrs. Stirring.

The Editor of “The Eastbury Herald” presents his compliments to Mrs. Stirring for the last time, and again assures her that the whole trouble grew from the natural carelessness of an overworked and underpaid compositor. He regrets sincerely the unhappiness which that mistake has caused, and looks forward to a day when retired bakers and retired bankers will be considered as equally valuable additions to a neighbourhood. In retirement, as in the grave, he likes to think of all men as equal. With renewed apologies for the foul aspersion which he cast upon Mr. and Mrs. Stirring, he begs to conclude.

P.S.—Mrs. Stirring will be pleased to hear that not only the writer but the compositor are under notice to leave.