The Project Gutenberg eBook of Our People
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Title: Our People
Creator: Charles Keene
Release date: October 14, 2012 [eBook #41057]
Most recently updated: October 23, 2024
Language: English
Credits: E-text prepared by Chris Curnow, Sue Fleming, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made available by Internet Archive (http://archive.org)
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OUR PEOPLE ***
The Project Gutenberg eBook, Our People, by Charles Samuel Keene
| Note: | Images of the original pages are available through Internet Archive. See http://archive.org/details/ourpeople00keen |
OUR PEOPLE
Sketched by
CHARLES KEENE.
from the Collection of "Mr. Punch."
BOSTON,
JAMES R. OSGOOD & CO.
1881.
Our People. At Home.
Our People. Street-Life.
Our People. In the Country.
Our People. Travelling.
Our People. Professional.
Our People. Official.
Our People. In the Army.
Our People. Art and Artists.
Our People. Volunteers.
Our People. At Business.
Our People. Domestics.
Our People. Working Folk.
Our People. In Ireland.
Our People. In Scotland.
&c., &c.
Toots! theres no a Jok' i' th' 'hale beuk!
COMPANION to "OUR PEOPLE,"
ENGLISH SOCIETY AT HOME,
Society Pictures By
George Du Maurier.
JAMES R. OSGOOD & Co., PUBLISHERS.
Mens Conscia.
Inspector (who notices a backwardness in History). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.)Inspector (more urgently). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.)
Inspector (angrily). "Who signed Magna Charta!!?"
Scapegrace (Thinking matters are beginning to look serious). "Please, Sir, 'twasn't me, Sir!!"
Dignity.
Club "Buttons." "I'm at the 'Junior Peninsular' now."Friend. "What! Did you 'Get the Sack' from 'the Reynolds'?"
Buttons (indignant). "Go along with yer! 'Get the Sack!' I sent in my Resi'nation to the C'mmittee!"
Family Pride.
First Boy. "My Father's a Orficer." Second Boy. "What Orficer?"First Boy. "Why, a Corporal!" Third Boy (evidently "comic"). "So's my Father—he's a Orficer, too—a General, he is!"
Fourth Boy. "Go along with yer!" Third Boy. "So he is—he's a General Dealer!!"
Bad Customer.
Landlady. "What Gentleman's Luggage is this, Sam?"Ancient Waiter. "Ge'tleman's Luggage, 'm! 'Or' bleshyer, no, Mum! That's artis's traps, that is. They'll 'ave Tea here to-night, take a little Lodgin' to-morrow, and there they'll be a Loafin about the place for Months, doin' no Good to Nobody!"
"March of Refinement."
Brown (behind the Age, but hungry). "Give me the Bill of Fare, Waiter."Head Waiter. "Beg pardon, Sir?"
Brown. "The Bill of Fare."
Head Waiter. "The what, Sir? O!—ah!—Yes!"—(to Subordinate)—"Chawles, bring this—this—a—Gen'leman—the Menoo!!"
Refrigerated Tourists.
Provincial Waiter. "Ice! Gentlemen! There ain't no Ice in Autumn Time. But it's easy to See you are Gents from London, as don't Know much about Nature, and I don't Blame you for it, in course. But, Ice in August!" Exit, sniggering.Intelligent Pet.
"Ma, dear, what do they Play the Organ so Loud for, when 'Church' is over? Is it to Wake us up?"The Mystery Solved.
Effie (our Parson's little daughter: her first experience of "Church." Aloud—with intense surprise). "Pa and all the Dear little Boys, in their Nightgowns, going to Bye-Bye!!"A Pledged M. P.
M. P.'s Bride "Oh! William, dear—if you are—a Liberal—do bring in a Bill—next Session—for that Underground Tunnel!!""Perils of the Deep."
Unprotected Female (awaking old Gent., who is not very well). "O, Mister, would you find the Captain? I'm sure we're in Danger! I've been Watching the Man at the Wheel; he keeps Turning it round first One Way and then the Other, and evidently doesn't Know his own Mind!!""The Pink of Fashion."
"Our Flower Show was a Decided Success this year, and Little Fidkins in an Embroidered Floral Waistcoat was Killing!"The Bird Show.
That Charming Gal with the blue feather (to Prize Canary). "Sweety, dear!"Comic Man ("Dolcissimo con Brio," from the other side of the pedestal). "Yes, Ducky!"
Utterly ruining the hopes, and taking the wind out o' the sails of his tall friend (serious man), who had been spoonying about her all the afternoon, and thought he had made an impression!
"Trying."
Happy Swain (she has "named the day"). "And now, dearest Edith, that is all settled. With regard to Jewellery, my Love; would you like a Set in plain Gold, or——"Edith (economical and courageous, and who suffers a good deal from toothache). "Oh, Augustus, now you ask me—do you know—I—really—but—Mr. Clinch told me yesterday that he could extract all I have, and put in a beautiful new Set for only Fifteen Guineas!!"
Common Prudence.
Snob. "Oh, let's get out o' this Mob, 'arry! they'll think we're a goin' to Church!"The Triumphs of Temper.
Fare (out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a Mile). "Hi, this won't do! I shall get out!"Cabby (through the trap, in a whisper). "Ah thin, Sor, niver mind her! Sit still! Don't give her the Satisfaction av knowin' she's got rid av ye!!"
"For Better for Worse."
Our friend Bagnidge (hasn't a rap) has just married the widow (rich) of old Harlesden the stockbroker.Mrs. B. (Retiring). "Shall I send my Poppet his Slippers?"
Mr. B. "N-n-n-n-o—not at Present, Thanks!" (Sotto voce to his guest when the door was closed.) "Not so fond of having the Muzzles on my Feet at Eight o'clock in the Evening, you know, Barney!!"
A Half Truth.
Guard (of the Fatuous Railway Company, that still forbids tobacco). "Strong Smell of Smoke, Sir!"Passenger (his cigar covered by his newspaper). "Ya-as; the Party who has just got out has been Smoking furiously!!"
Poor Humanity!
Bride. "I think—George, dear—I should—be better—if we Walked about——"Husband (one wouldn't have believed it of him). "You can Do as you like, Love. I'm very well(!) as I am!!"
Family Ties.
(Respec'fully dedicated to Mr. Punch's excellent friends at the Egyptian Hall—M. and C.)Aunt. "Gracious Goodness! What are you doing in my Cupboard, you naughty boys?"
Jacky. "Oh, aunt, we're playing 'masculine and cook'! I tie him to the chair, and when the door's opened his hands are free. Then he does me!!"
"Prevention Better than Cure."
Jeames (excitedly). "Here—Here—Here's the Shillin'! Quick—Quick—Off with you!"German Impostor (affecting concern). "Dere is some vun Ill?"
Jeames. "Well, not just yet! But there precious soon will be, if you don't Knock Off!"
The Roll-Call.
Sergeant. "Alister McAlister!" Answer. "Hamisho!"Sergeant. "Donal' McBean!" Answer. "Hamisho!"
Sergeant. "Peter McKay!" Answer. "Hamisho!"
Sergeant. "John Smith!" Answer. "Here, Sir!"
Sergeant (with a Sniff). "Ugh! 'English Pock-Pudding'"!!
Gentility in Greens.
(Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she remembers it years ago!)Greengrocer. "Cabbage, Mum!? We don't keep no Second-Class Vegetables, Mum. You'll get it at the Lower End o' the Town!"
Plain to Demonstration.
Customer (nervously). "Ah! they must be very Irksome at first."Dentist (exultantly). "Not a bit of it, Sir! Look here, Sir!" (Dexterously catching his entire set.) "Here's my Uppers, and here's my Unders!"
Unprejudiced!
Swell (at the R. A. Exhibition). "Haw! 've you any Idea—w what Fellaw's Pictu-ars we're to Admi-are this Ye-ar!!!?"A Kind Son.
Paterfamilias (to his Eldest Son, who is at Bartholomew's). "George, these are uncommonly good Cigars! I can't afford to Smoke such expensive Cigars as these."George (grandly). "Fill your Case—fill your Case, Gov'ner!!"
Crass Ignorance.
First Swell. "Let's see—To-Morrow's——What's t'day, byth'by?"Second Swell. "Tuesday, isn't it?—or Monday?—was yest'day Sunday? Ne' mind—(yawns)—my Man'll be here Pwesently—pwecious shwewd Fellow—'Tell us like a Shot!!"
A Change in the Weather.
Paterfamilias (with a sigh: his family have been to Boulogne for the holidays). "It's all up!"Bachelor Friend (who has enjoyed these little Dinners). "What's the Matter?"
Paterfamilias. "Telegram! She says they've Arrived safe at Folkestone, and will be Home about 10·30!"
"Res Angustæ Domi."
Family Man. "Where do you go this Year, Jinnings?"Bachelor (in a sketchy manner). "Oh—Baden for a few weeks, and the Whine, Belgium—p'waps get as far's Viennah! Where 'you off to?"
Family Man. "Oh, I suppose I shall take the Old Woman down to Worthing—as usual!"
And he says this in anything but a sprightly manner—which was weak and injudicious.
Irish Ingenuity.
Saxon Tourist. "What on Earth are you Lowering the Shafts for?"(He has just found out that this manœuvre is gone through at every ascent.)
Car-Driver. "Shure, yer 'onner, we'll make 'm B'lave he's Goin' Down Hill!"
Scrupulous.
Shepherd. "O, Jims, Mun! Can ye no gie a whustle on tha Ram'lin' Brute o' mine? I daurna mysel'; it's just Fast-Day in oor Parish!!"A Game Two can Play at.
Guard (to Excited Passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the Train is Starting). "Ye're too Late, Sir. Ye canna Enter."Stalwart Aberdonian. "A' maun!"
Guard (holding him back). "Ye canna!"
Aberdonian. "Tell ye a' maun—a' weel!" (Gripping Guard.) "If a' maunna, ye sanna!!!"
Decimals on Deck.
Irish Mate. "How manny iv ye down ther-re?!"Voice from the Hold. "Three, Sor!"
Mate. "Thin Half iv ye come up here Immadiately!!"
More "Revenge for the Union."
Saxon Tourist (at Irish Railway Station). "What Time does the Half-Past Eleven Train Start, Paddy?"Porter. "At Thrutty Minutes to Twilve—sharrup, Sor!"
Tourist retires up, discomfited.
The Ulster.
Schoolboy (to Brown, in his new great-coat). "Yah! Come out of it! D'you think I don't see yer!!""Silence is Golden."
Chatty Old Gent. "Have you Long Hours, he-ar, Portar?"Railway Porter (whose Temper has been spoilt). "Same as anywheres else, I s'pose—Sixty Minutes!"——(Bell rings, Railway Porter touches up Old Gent's favourite corn, and rushes off!)
Old Gent. "Ph—o—o—o—o—!"
Barometrical.
Draper. "Light Summer Dress? Yes, M'm. Sold a great many the last few days, M'm, the Weather havin' risen from a French Merino to a Grenadine!"A Family Man.
Cabby. "Vy, I'm a Father of a Fam'ly myself, Mum,—not so 'andsome as your little Dears, Mum, I don't say,—an' d'you think I'd go for to overcharge for 'em? Not I, Mum! Not a Sixpence, bless their little 'earts!" &c., &c.Claim allowed.
A Narcotic.
Doctor. "Look here, Mrs. McCawdle. Don't give him any more Physic. A sound Sleep will do him more Good than Anything."Gudewife. "E-h, Docthor, if we could only Get him tae the Kirk!!"
The Connoisseur.
Host (smacking his lips). "There, my Boy, What do you Think of that? I thought I'd give you a Treat. That's '34 Port, Sir!"Guest. "Ah! and a very nice, sound Wine, I should say! I believe it's quite as Good as some I gave 37s. for the other Day."
Awful Warning!
Guest (at City Company Dinner.) "I'm uncommonly Hungry!"Ancient Liveryman (with feeling). "Take Care, my dear Sir, for Goodness' Sake, take Care! D'you know it Happened to me at the last Lord Mayor's Dinner to Burn my Tongue with my first Spoonful of Clear Turtle; 'consequence was—(sighs)—'couldn't Taste at all—anything—for the rest of the Evening!!"
The Sausage Machine.
Cook (in a fluster). "O 'f y' please, 'm, no wonder the Flaviour o' them Sassengers wasn't to-rights, 'm, which I've jest now ketched Master Alfred a cuttin' his 'Cavendish' in the Machine!"Just in Time.
Veteran Piscator. "Hech! but yon's a Muckle Fesh loupin' ahint me!"——(It was lucky he looked round!—his Friend from London had preferred Sketching on the Banks, had stumbled over a Boulder, and "Gone a Header" into a deep hole. He was gaffed at his last kick!)Words and Weights.
Angler. "Deuced odd, Donald, I can't get a Fish over Seven Pounds, when they say Major Grant above us killed half a dozen last Week that turned Twenty Pounds apiece!"Donald. "Aweel, Sir, it's no that muckle odds i'th' Sawmon,—but thae Fowk up the Watter is bigger Leears than we are doon here!"
"Mal Apropos."
Rector's Wife. "Well, Venables, how do you think we Sold the Jersey Cow?"Venables. (Factotum and Gardener) "Well, M'm, Master Byles has got the Better o' we a many Times, but—(proudly)—I think as we a' done he to-rights this Turn!!"
"So awkward! and before the Archdeacon, too!"
"A Slip o' the Tongue."
Yachting Biped. "Then you'll Look us up at Primrose 'ill?"New Acquaintance (gentlemanly man). "Oh, yes—near the 'Zoo,' isn't it? We often drop in and have a Look at the Monkeys!"
Confession in Confusion.
Priest. "Now, tell me, Doolan, truthfully, how often do you go to Chapel?"Pat. "Will, now, shure oi'll till yer Riv'rence the Trut'. Faix, I go as often I can avoid!"
The New Running Drill.
(A respectful appeal to His Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief.)Captain Bluard, as he appeared in Command of his Company.
Our Military Manœuvres.
Irish Drill-Sergeant (to Squad of Militiamen). "Pr's'nt 'Rrms!"—(Astonishing result.)—"Hiv'ns! what a 'Prisint'! Jist stip out here now, an' look at yersilves!!"The Race not yet Extinct.
Country Excursionist (just landed at G. W. Terminus). "Could you inform me what these 'ere Busses charge from Paddington to the Bank?"Dundreary (with an effort). "Au-h, po' m'Soul, haven't an Idea-h! Never wode 'n one in m'Life! Should say a mere Twifle! P'waps a Shilling, or Two Shillings. 'Don't think the Wascals could have the Conscience to charge you more than Thwee Shillings! 'Wouldn't pay more than Four! I'd see 'em at the D-D-Doo-ooce!"
A Dilemma.
Party (overcome by the heat of the Weather). "Hoy! Cab!"Driver. "All Right, Sir, if you'll just Walk to the Gate."
Party. "O, Bother! Walking to 'Gate!"
Driver. "Well, Sir, if you can't get through, I don't see how I can get over!"
Adjustment.
Bootmaker (who has a deal of trouble with this Customer). "I think, Sir, if you were to Cut your Corns, I could more easily find you a Pair——"Choleric Old Gentleman. "Cut my Corns, Sir!—I ask you to Fit me a Pair o' Boots to my Feet, Sir!—I'm not going to Plane my Feet down to Fit your Boots!!!"
A Mine of Speculation.
Dealer (to Wavering Customer). "Well, of Course we all Know that—he's got 'is Bad Points an' 'is Good Points; but what I say is, there's no Deception about 'is Bad Points—we can See 'em. But we can't none of us Tell 'ow many Good Points he may 'ave till we comes to Know 'im!!" The "Party" took time to consider."Argumentum ad Hominem!"
Dealer. "I know you don't like his 'Ead, and I allow he ain't got a purty 'Ead; but Lor'—now look at Gladstone, the cleverest Man in all England!—and look at 'is 'Ead"!!!Veneration.
Lodger. "I shall not Dine at Home to-day, Ma'am, but I've a Friend coming this Evening. If you could Give us Something Nice for Supper——"Landlady (Low Church). "Would you like the Remainder of the Cold Turkey—ah ('feels a delicacy')—hem! Beelze-bubbed, Sir?"
A Soft Answer.
Irascible Old Gent. "Waiter! This Plate is quite Cold!"Waiter. "Yessir, but the Chop is 'ot, Sir, which I think you'll find it'll Warm up the Plate nicely, Sir!"
Seasonable Luxury.
Old Gent (disgusted). "Heck, Waiter! Here's a—here's a—a—Caterpillar in this Chop!"Waiter (flippantly). "Yessir. About the time o' Year for 'em just now, Sir!"
Education!
Papa (improving the occasion at Luncheon). "Now, look, Harry, the circumference of this Cake is equal to about three times the diameter, and——"Harry. "Oh, then, Pa', let me have the c'cumf'rence for my Share!!"
Cricket!
Uncle. "Well, Tom, and what have you Done in Cricket this Half?"Tom. "Oh, bless you, Uncle, we've been 'nowhere,' this Season; all our best 'Men,' you know, were Down with the Measles!"
Treacherous Confederate.
Uncle George (who has been amusing the Young People with some clever Conjuring). "Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, you saw me Burn the Handkerchief.—Would you be Surprised to Find—(Roars of Laughter)—I shall produce the Orange our Young Friend here was so Obliging as to offer to Take Care of, and Inside which, I've no doubt, we shall Find the Shilling?!"Breaking the Ice.
Sprightly Lady. "Mr. Dormers, would you Oblige me with——"Bashful Curate (who had scarcely spoken to his Fair Neighbour). "O, certainly. What shall I have the Pleasure to Offer?——"
Lady. "——A Remark!!"