Pamphlets and Parodies on Political Subjects

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ACCUSATION.

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PUBLICATION.

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INDIGNATION.

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CORONATION.

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DEGRADATION.

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THE JOSS AND HIS FOLLY,

July 29, 1820.

The outside—huge teapots,

The inside—all tea-things,

The show rooms—all show,

But the grand Curiosity

The owner himself—

A patron of painters

That grocers and tea-dealers

Hence teaboard-taste artists

I saw his great chair

His mannikins round him,

His pea-hens beside him,

That he wakes from these horrible dreams in a stew;

And that, stretching his arms out,

You must know that he hates his own wife, to a failing;—

SAILING.

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THE FORM OF PRAYER, WITH THANKSGIVING TO ALMIGHTY GOD,

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"NON MI RICORDO!"

&C. &c. &c.

LONDON:

PRINTED BY AND FOR WILLIAM HONE, LUDGATE HllL

1820.

SIXPENCE.

WHO are you? Non mi ricordo.

What countryman are you?—a foreigner or an englishman? Non mi ricordo.

Do you understand English? No not at all.

Will the Oath you have taken bind you to speak the truth, or do you know of any other Oath more binding?

The Turnstile General objected to the ques-tion; upon which a discussion arose as to the nature of the Oath likely to bind the Witness, who ap-peared to be playing with a thread. The Witness was accordingly asked, by way of illustration, to what degree he thought the thread was binding, and whether he knew of any thing else more binding?

The Lord Precedent Furthermore said, if the Witness believed the thread he held was binding, that was sufficient.

The Lord Precedents opinion gave rise to a long discussion as to whether more binding was binding, and binding was more binding; which ended in a reference to the Erminians, who delivered the following solemn opinion:—If the Witness shall answer that he thinks the bit of thread is binding, there is no doubt it is binding; but he cannot be asked if a cord is more binding, because he in fact says that the thread itself is binding. If the Witness twists the thread round his little finger he is so far bound by it, and it is binding; and having done that, it is unnecessary to inquire whether a cord, round another part of his body, would be more binding.

Question over-ruled.

CROSS EXAMINATION RESUMED.

You are a master tailor, I think? I was cut out for a tailor.

You have been a tailor, then? I only follow tailoring as a mere amusement.

Fond of Goose I suppose—but pray Mr. Mere-amusement what is your business? I was brought up a Cabinet maker.

What can you get at it?—are you a good hand? I can't say I am; I'm badly off; my tools are worn out.

What is your place of residence?

(Order Order).

The Turnstile General protested against the consequences of this mode of Examination.

Lord Juryman—Why does not the Interpreter give the Witness's Answer.

The Lord Precedent Furthermore—Because the Bench objects to the question.

Lord MUDDLEPOOL—Does the Turnstile General object to the question.

The Turnstile General. I do object to it, my Lord. This is perhaps the most important question that ever occurred. By this dealing out, the party is placed in such a situation as he never was placed in before.

Mr. Besom—I ask him where he now lives, and the Turnstile General objects to this, because I do not put all the questions I might put, in a single breath.

The Lord Precedent Furthermore—I feel great difficulty—I doubt..

Lord Wheelbarrow thought there was a great deal in what the noble Lord had said; and he doubted.

CROSS EXAMINATION RESUMED.

How much money has been expended on you since you were born? Non mi ricordo.

What have you done for it in return? More less than more.

How do you get your living? I was waiter for some years at the Hotel de Grand Bretagne, and succeeded my father as head waiter at the Crown Inn.

What wages have you? Non mi ricordo.

Have you any perquisites? Veils.

Are you head waiter, or by what other name than head waiter you may be called, at the Crown Inn?

I am after building a new place called the Wellington Arms, and trying to be Barrack-master; if I dont gain the Trial I shall be glad to remain at the old Crown.

This answer appeared to excite considerable sensation,

The Twister General thought the meaning was,

'if I do n't gain what I attempt to gain.'

[The Short-hand writer was desired to read the answer, and the word Trial was retained as the correct translation.]

I do not ask what you are to be hereafter, but whether you are still head waiter at the Crown?

The head waiter is dismissed occasionally.

Are you married? More yes than no.

Do you live with your own wife? No.

Is she in this country? Yes.

Why did you marry? To pay my debts.

Then why did you part? Because my debts were paid.

Were you not up to the eyes in debt? Si Signor.

Are you not bound to manifest some gratitude towards those who have paid your debts?

The Interpreter said the witness was a mere fanfaron, and that he found it difficult, if not impossible, to explain to the witness's understanding what was meant by gratitude.

Cross Examination resumed.

Did not you write to your wife a licentious letter, called a letter of license?—(Order, order.)

I ask you again the cause of your separation?

She left me.

On what account? I did not like her, and I told her I'd have nothing to do with her any more.

After that what did you do? Oh, I rambled about.

Where did you go? To Jersey and elsewhere.

Well, Sir, go on. Non mi ricordo.

Do you mean to say that you never went to Manchester Square? More yes than no.

Were you in the house on the footing of a private friend? No, not as a friend.

You mentioned your father just now:—you did not go in your father's cart, I presume; in what sort of carriage did you go? In the old yellow chariot.

How long did it take you to travel from Manchester Square to Richmond? Non mi ricordo.

How many other places did you go to? Non mi ricordo.

Is the Marquis of C. a married man?

(Order. Order.)

After you parted from your wife, on what terms did you live? I've been trying to get rid of her.

Do you know what Matthew says (c. v. v. 32.)?

Matthew? Matthew? (trying to recollect)—what Matthew?—he's no friend of mine.

In what light do you consider your oath at the marriage ceremony? A ceremony.

If your marriage oath has not bound you, can you expect people to believe you if ever you should take a solemn public oath? More yes than no.

By the Roman law, a divorce was granted for Drunkenness, Adultery, and False Keys: what is your opinion of that law?

The Twister General said, that it was contrary to common sense to ask the witness's opinion about any Law.

How many Wives does your Church allow you? Non mi ricordo.

How many have you had since you separated from your own? Non mi ricordo.

Are you a Member of the Society for the Suppression of Vice? Yes (with great energy).

The Cross-examining Counsel said that the Interpreter had materially altered the sense of the last question; he had in fact asked, if the Witness was Member of the Society for the suppression of Wives, (a loud laugh) which Witness had eagerly answered in the affirmative.

The Witness's answer was expunged, and on the question being repeated correctly, he answered that he was told it was his duty to encourage the Vice Society, because it professed to diminish the influence of bad example.

Have they ever prosecuted you? Me!—(with astonishment)—they like me too well!

What do you mean then by Suppression—is your Soeiety to prevent little vice from being committed, or great vice from being found out?

More Yes than No.

It was here moved by Lord Le Cuisinier, that 4 o'Clock, the hour of dinner, was arrived.

Another, in a maiden Speeeh, said, that during his long silence in that Court he had had leisure to observe, that 4 o'Clock in the morning was a more usual hour of adjournment.

Another considered that Lord Le Cuisinier's suggestion ought not to be entertained for a moment. We only exist in our formalities. If we suffer ourselves to be put a stop to by the motion, we may find that we are travelling round again into the obsolete usages of our early ancestors; which will be to describe a circle that must be generally considered as nothing less than a revolution! I therefore deprecate the least innovation, and move, as an amendment, that 4 o'Clock is not arrived.

The Master General of the Black Barracks at Exeter, rose without his wig, and declaring, upon the memory of his whiskers, that he had just heard it strike 4, he enquired whether the Clock was in Order. (Loud and continued cries of hear hear.)

The Home DOCTOR felt his pulse alarmingly quicken one and a fraction in the minute, and nervously said, that the clock was clearly guilty of a barefaced libel and ought to be instantly held to bail for breach of the peace. The simultaneous action of all the Clocks throughout the nation and their open communication by circulars, was an index to the existence of an organized correspondence and a systematic affiliation. He trembled at the positive intelligence he had received, that millions at that moment held their hands in an attitude ready to strike; but it was the proudest day of his life that he had so far succeeded by a circular movement of his own, as to enable his workmen to hold them to the peace for an hour together.

Lord Bathos assured the Black-Barrack Master-General that the Clock was out of Order, and he congratulated the Home Doctor on his efficiency; but he thought they had not sunk low enough into the subject; for he had strong doubts whether the striking might not be construed into an overt act of High Treason, and if he saw any probability of being supported he should conclude with a substantive motion. Did not the Lord Precedent remember a Clock Case, in which, immediately after the chain had been locked up, a principal link suddenly disappeared? and whether, after the most minute inquiry, there was not every reason to believe from the best information that could be obtained at that time, that that link had been prigged? (Hear hear.) Take even the very last Clock Case, where the chain was kept together with the greatest pains, and the utmost care. If the smallest link in that chain had been prigged, it would have been fatal to the works, and yet in that very case, two days after the chain was locked up, a link was obtained, which, if sooner discovered, would have lengthened the chain to the necessary extent, and brought home in the most conclusive manner the guilt of the Clock. He therefore moved that the Clock be examined, and the chain kept in their own custody, with liberty to add to the number of links.

Lord Ratstail with his usual animation seconded the Motion.

Marquiz Boudoir moved as an Amendment, that the Clock being in contempt, the Black stick be ordered to walk him in to-morrow. Seconded.

Upon this Amendment the following Amendment was moved and seconded, that the word 'to-morrow' be expunged, and the word 'yesterday' be inserted in its place. Ordered.

Cross Examination resumed.

Does the Witness recollect whether he was at B————? Non mi ricordo.

Who usually closed the Pavilion? I did.

Was it so close as to exclude any person outside from seeing what passed within, or was it partially open? It was quite closed—When I could not close it with C**** entirely, I did it with other pieces.

What do you mean by saying with other pieces?

I mean with other pieces of the same quality.

Symptoms of impatience were now expressed, with loud cries of Withdraw, withdraw.

Do you remember any thing particular occurring one night? No.

Do you not recollect whether a new wing was added during the time you and your mistress were absent? Non mi ricordo.

Do you know a certain Colonel Q.? Yes, he has too little mustachios.

Are you a sober man? More no than yes.

How many bottles a day do you drink. Non mi ricordo.

Do you drink six bottles? Non mi ricordo.

Five bottles? Non mi ricordo.

How many nights in the week do you go to bed sober? Non mi ricordo.

Are you sober now? More no than yes.

Where do you spend your mornings? AtbCuraçao.

Where do you spend your evenings? At the Cat and Fiddle.

What is your favorite dish? Trifle.

What is your favorite game? Bag-at-L——

What is your favorite amusement? The C.

After Dressing, Drinking, and Dreaming, what time remains for thinking? Non mi ricordo.

I hold in my hand a list of immense sums of money that have been advanced to you, how much have you left? None.

Well, but you have something to show for it? No.

How do you live? I have a doll-shop, and a large stable in the country, and some cow-houses in different parts.

Are not your favourite friends horn-boys and flashmen?—(Order, order.)

Can you produce a certificate of good character from those who know you? Yes, from the minister.

Pho! plio! do n't trifle; can you from any respectable person? More no than yes.

I understand you have the scarlet fever, do you not know that it ends here in a putrid fever? Non mi ricordo.

You have many companions and advisers, but have you to your knowledge one real friend in the world; and if not, why not? Non mi ricordo.

By what acts of your life do you expect you will be remembered hereafter ? I shall not answer you any more questions; you put questions to me I never dreamt of.

Suppose every man in society were to do as you do, what would become of society; and what right have you to do so, more than any other man ?—(Witness greatly agitated?)

The Witness from the Grillery asked whether the Cross Examination was nearly concluded? (Cries of Keep on!)—Supposing that the business would close to day at 4 o'clock, he had made a private assignation, although he was quite ready to stop if necessary.

The Lord Precedent Furthermore was in favour of adhering to a square rule; he had not entered the Court till five seconds past ten by his stop-watch, in consequence of consulting with his Wife upon a motion-of-course which they had contemplated; and their further deliberation had been postponed until after the adjournment to-day. It was impossible to know what questions might turnout to be doubtful or doubtless; yet adjourning at Five o'Clock would gain a delay of six hours in the Week, and the gaining of any thing he considered very material in the present case.

An Adjournment then took place, the Witness remaining on

THE GRILLERY.