Perfect Behavior

by Donald Ogden Stewart

Illustrated by Ralph Barton

A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises

Those who are not self-possessed obtrude and pain us.—EMERSON


A parody outline of etiquette by the Author of “A Parody Outline of History”

The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes pain.—OLD PROVERB

TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED
BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE
ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT
ARM OF HER FATHER
With Deepest Sympathy

Contents

CONTENTS

I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP A Few Words about Love—Curious Incident in a Yellow Taxicab—A Silly Girl—Correct Introductions and how to Make Them—A Well Known Congressman’s Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish Bath—Cards and Flowers—Flowers and their Message in Courtship—“A Clean Tooth Never Decays”—Receiving an Invitation to Call—The Etiquette of Telephoning-A Telephone Girl’s Horrible End—Making the First Call—Conversation and Some of its Uses—A Proper Call—The Proposal Proper-The Proposal Improper—What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Said to the ex-Clergyman’s Niece.

II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS The Historic Aspect—Announcing the Engagement—A Breton Fisher Girl’s Experience with a Traveling Salesman—The Bride-to-Be—The Engagement Luncheon—Selecting the Bridal Party—Invitations and Wedding Presents—A Good Joke on the Groom—“Madam, those are my trousers”—Duties of the Best Man—A Demented Taxidermist’s Strange Gift—The Bride’s Tea—The Maid of Honor—What Aunt Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The Bachelor Dinner and After-Some Practical Uses for Bi-Carbonate of Soda—The Rehearsal—The Bridal Dinner—A Church Wedding.

III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL Hints for the Correct Pedestrianism—Description of a Walk around Philadelphia with a Pueblo Indian in 1837—Travelling by Rail— Good Form on a Street Car—In the Subway—Fun with an Old Gentleman’s Whiskers—A Honeymoon in a Subway—Travelling under Steam-A Correct Night in a Pullman-What Burton Holmes Found in His Lower Berth.

IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA Listening to a Symphony Orchestra—Curious Effect of Debussy’s “Apres-midi d’un Faune” and four gin fizzes on Uncle Frederick—“No, fool like an old fool”—Correct Behavior at a Piano Recital—Choosing One’s Nearest Exit—In a Box at the Opera—What a Kansas City Society Leader Did with Her Old Victrola Records.

V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS Some Broader Aspects of Prohibition—Interesting Effect of Whisky on Goldfish—The College Graduate as Dry Agent—Aunt Emily’s Amusing Experiences with a Quart of Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct Costumes—A California Motion Picture Actress’s Bad Taste—Good Form for Dry Agents During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr. Volstead.

VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS Selecting a Proper School—Account of an Interesting Trip Down the Eric Canal with Miss Spence—Correct Equipment for the Schoolgirl—En Route—ln New York—A journey Around the City—Description of the Visit of Ed. Pinaud to the Aquarium in 1858—The First Days in the New School—“After Lights” in a Dormitory—An “Old Schoolgirl’s” Confessions—Becoming Acclimatized—A Visitor from Princeton-Strange Pets.

VII. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS Golf as a Pastime—What Henry Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His Niblic—An Afternoon at the Old Farm with the Dice—“Shoot you for your ear trumpet, grandfather!”—Correct Behavior on a Picnic—A Swedish Nobleman’s Curious Method of Eating Potato Chips—Boxing in American Society—A Good Joke on an Amateur Boxer—“He didn’t know it was Jack Dempsey!”—Bridge Whist—Formal and Informal Drinking—A jolly Hallowe’en Party—Invitations—Receiving the Guests—How to Mystify—Games.

VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS Correspondence for Young Ladies—College Boys How to Order a Full Dress Suit by Mail—Letters to Parents—A Prominent Retired Bank President’s Advice to Correspondents—Letters from Parents—Peculiarities of the Divorce Laws of New York—Letters to Prospective Fathers-in-Law—A Correct Form of Letter to a Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery Bill for Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents—Love Letters—Correspondence of Public Officials—-Letters to Strangers—Letters to Newspapers, Magazines, etc.—Invitations, Acceptances and Regrets.

IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS Formal Dinners in America-Table Manners for Children—Removing Stains from Gray Silk—A Child’s Garden of Etiquette—Etiquette in the School—Conversation at Dinner—What a New Jersey Lady Did with Her Olive Seeds—Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of Dinner Table Conversation—“It Seems that Pat and Mike”—Balls and Dances—-Artificial Respiration—Mixed Dancing—Hints for Stags. A Word of Warning and Encouragement