Potash and Perlmutter Settle Things

XXV

"He took his lawyers' word for it that it was a libel, Mawruss," Abe said, "and, anyhow, Mawruss, nobody has got a right to call anybody an ignorant philantropist even, no matter how ignorant such a philantropist might be about what the word philantropist would mean."

"And do you know what it means?" Morris asked.

"A philantropist is a feller who gives big sums of moneys to orphan-asylums, hospitals, and colleges, and if he could afford it he's a philantropist, Mawruss, and if he couldn't, then he's a sucker, and that is what is called a philantropist," Abe said, "which, if I didn't know what it meant, Mawruss, I ain't such an ignorant idealist that I would use such a word in front of you and expect you not to try to trip me up on it."

"I see you've also been looking up what ignorant idealist means," Morris observed.

"And I ain't very peculiar that way, neither, Mawruss," Abe admitted, "because I bet yer that in the last two days at least five million people has been looking up in the dictionary what that word idealist means and not knowing even then what it means, y'understand, and still that 'ain't prevented them from knocking Mr. Ford, Mawruss."

"But the fact remains, Abe, that them five million people ain't suing nobody for calling them ignorant idealists," Morris interrupted.

"Also, Mawruss, they ain't running one of the largest industrial plants in the country on a profit-sharing basis with several thousand employees," Abe declared, "which there is a whole lot of big manufacturers in this country who could go on the stand at a moment's notice and pass a cross-examination with a hundred-per-cent. mark on all them words which you read in them medical journals you pick up from the doctor's desk in his private office when he excuses himself for a minute to answer the 'phone and which you put down so quick and pretend you 'ain't been reading when he comes back again, if you know what I mean. And furthermore, if these same big manufacturers was elected to the United States Senate to-morrow they could make a speech against doing away with child labor in words of six syllables, y'understand, and would probably make such a speech, because the trouble with most big manufacturers is not that they are ignorant, understand me, but that they ain't idealists, Mawruss."

"Just the same, Abe, a man should ought to know what he don't know and side-step it," Morris said.

"But the way it is in this country, Mawruss, a multimillionaire can't side-step it. The newspapers won't let him, because if he gets a reputation for having made fifty million dollars in the safety-pin business, we would say, for example, and news gets so scarce in the newspapers that somebody starts a discussion about which is the biggest musician, Kreisler oder Zimbalist, y'understand, right away the editor sends out reporters to interview the most prominent men in the country as to what their opinion is in the matter, and naturally one of the first men such a reporter would call on is Harris J. Rosenbaum, the Safety-pin King. Now, what is Rosenbaum going to do under the circumstances? Is he going to admit to the reporter that up to date he has been so busy in his safety-pin plant that he 'ain't had time to post himself as to whether Kreisler and Zimbalist is performers on the trombone oder the mouth-organ? Oser! He finds out from the reporter that these two fellers has got a piece-work wage-scale for playing on the fiddle of five dollars a note, net cash, and he says that both of them is wonderful fiddlers, y'understand, but that to his mind Kreisler plays with more of the artistic temperature than Zimbalist, or if he doesn't actually say so, y'understand, the reporter goes back to his newspaper and says he said so, and the consequence is that when in next Sunday's paper Rosenbaum reads,

KREISLER GREATER ARTIST
SAYS SAFETY-PIN KING,

he not only begins to believe that he did say it, but also that it's funny how a man can go on for years being an expert on fiddle-playing and only find it out by accident, as it were."

"And I suppose that a few months later, on the strength of what he don't know about fiddle-playing, Abe," Morris remarked, "Harris J. Rosenbaum, the Safety-pin King, is running for United States Senator and comes pretty near getting elected, too."

"There don't seem to be no reason why he wouldn't be," Abe declared, "because just so long as United States Senators is selected by election and not by a competitive examination, Mawruss, there will always be a certain percentage of Harris J. Rosenbaums in the United States Senate, which you can't keep millionaires out of public office, if they want to fool away their time in such things, and after all, Mawruss, it ain't having brains which makes a man a millionaire, it's having a million dollars."

"Then you don't blame Mr. Ford for the way he has behaved himself, Abe?" Morris asked.

"Not in the least," Abe said. "Millionaires behave the way their fellow-countrymen encourages them to behave, Mawruss, which to my mind, Mawruss, the only way to learn a millionaire like Mr. Ford his place is not to notice him and, in particular, not to pay no attention to anything he says, and such a millionaire would quick subside and devote himself to the manufacture of safety-pins or the best four-cylinder car for the money in the world, as the case may be, which I see in the paper that the refusal of the United States Senate to confirm the Treaty of Peace looks quite certain to them people to whom the winning of the Willard-Dempsey fight by Jeff Willard looked quite certain, Mawruss."

"Well, to my mind, Abe, them round-robins is right to look into the Treaty and the League of Nations covenant before they confirm them," Morris said. "Also, Abe, you couldn't blame them Senators for getting indignant about the Shantung settlement."

"Personally I couldn't blame them and I couldn't praise them, Mawruss, because, like a hundred million other people in this country, not being in the silk business, Mawruss, I never had the opportunity to find out nothing about even where Shantung was on the map till they printed such a map in the papers last week, and if you've got to go and look it up on a map first to find out whether you should ought to be indignant or not, Mawruss, you couldn't get exactly red in the face over Japan taking Shantung, unless you are a Senator from the Pacific coast, where people have got such a wonderful color in their cheeks that Easterners think it's the climate, when, as a matter of fact, it is thinking about Japanese unrestricted immigration that does it."

"But the Senators represents the people which elects them, Abe," Morris said, "and if it don't take much to make a Californian indignant about any little thing he suspects Japan is doing, y'understand, then Senator Hiram Johnson has got a right to go 'round looking permanently purple over this here Shantung affair. As for the other Senators, Abe, the theory on which they talk each other deaf, dumb, and blind is that they are doing a job which it is impossible for the hundred million people of this country to do for themselves. They are saving their constituents the trouble of leaving their homes and spending a lot of time on government-controlled railroads, going to and from Washington to make their own laws, y'understand. That is what representative government is, Abe, and if the people of this country couldn't get indignant over what ain't right in this here Treaty of Peace and League of Nations without working up such indignation by several days' careful investigation of the reasons for getting indignant, then it is up to the United States Senate to get indignant for them, even if the individual Senators has got to sit up with wet towels 'round their heads and strong black coffee stewing on the gas-stove, so as not to fall asleep over the job of letting their feelings get the better of their judgment in working up a six-hour speech which will give the country the impression that it just came pouring out on the spur of the moment as a consequence of the Senators' red-hot indignation about this here Shantung."

"It's too bad that the House of Representatives couldn't be mind-readers like the Senate, Mawruss, and get off indignant speeches about what is making certain sections of the country so indignant, Mawruss, that if their Congressmen is going to really and truly represent them, there would be a regular epidemic of apoplexy in Washington," Abe said, "which I am talking about the enforcement of prohibition, Mawruss."

"For myself, Abe, I couldn't understand why it should be necessary to pass a law to enforce a law," Morris remarked, "because, if that is the case, what is going to be the end? After they pass this here law to enforce the prohibition law, are they going to pass another law to enforce the law to enforce prohibition, or do they expect that this here enforcement law will enforce itself, and if so, then why couldn't the prohibition law be enforced without a law to enforce it?"

"To tell you the truth, Mawruss, a dyed-in-wool Dry could be as hopeful as a man could possibly be on soft drinks, and in his heart of hearts he must got to know that if Congress would sit from now till the arrival of Elia Hanov'e and did nothing all that time but pass an endless chain of enforcement laws, prohibition will never be enforced except in the proportion of 2.75 enforcement to 97.25 violation, anyhow in those parts of the country where the hyphen Americans live and like their beverages with a hyphen in it, because, Mawruss, where a hundred per cent. of the population of a certain district has been drinking beer and light wines since 12 a.m. on Rosh Hashonah in the year one up to and including twelve midnight on June 30, 1919, y'understand, and seeing no harm in it, understand me, not only would an act of Congress fail to change the hearts and conscience of such people, but there could be an earthquake, a cyclone, and anything else which a confirmed Dry would call a judgment on them people, and still they wouldn't see no harm in it."

"Then what is the country going to do to enforce the prohibition law?" Morris asked.

"I don't know," Abe said; "but one thing is certain, you can't change people's habits on and after a certain hour on a certain date by putting a law into effect on such date. You might just so well expect that, if the Senate should confirm the provision handing over Shantung to the Japanese, all the Chinamen in Shantung is immediately going to open stores for the sale of imitation expensive vases and fake silk embroidery, start factories for the manufacture of phony Swedish safety-matches, and do all the other things which Japanese do so successfully that any reputable business man is willing to take a chance on getting indignant about Shantung without even asking his stenographer to look it up for him."

"But I thought you thought that prohibition would be a good thing, Abe?" Morris said.

"I do," Abe said. "I think brown stewed fish, sweet and sour, the way my Rosie cooks it, is a good thing, but at the same time, Mawruss, I realize that my taste in this respect is supported only by what you might call a very limited public sentiment, consisting of Rosie and me, y'understand, and the rest of the household couldn't stand to eat it at all. So, therefore, when we have sweet and sour fish we cook for the rest of the family eggs or meat, and in that way we have happiness in the home. Now a country is a home for the people in it, ain't it, and the main thing is that they should stick together and be happy, and how could they be happy if even the great majority of the people tells the rest what they should and shouldn't eat or drink?"

"But you admit that schnapps is harmful, don't you?" Morris insisted.

"And I also admit that sweet and sour fish ain't exactly a health food, Mawruss," Abe said. "In fact, you wouldn't believe what a lot of bicarbonate of soda Rosie and me uses up between us after we eat that fish; but even so, Mawruss, after you have said all you could say against that fish, the fact remains that Rosie and me, we like it."

"Well, even if the people do like booze, and it does them harm, I say they shouldn't have it," Morris said.

"I agree with you down to the ground, Mawruss," Abe said. "And I don't care if it is booze or sweet and sour, you are still right; but if sweet and sour fish was prohibited, although the fish and the onions and the sugar and the vinegar which you make it out of wasn't, y'understand, and in spite of the law, Rosie and me liked it and wanted to continue to eat it, the question then is and the question is going to continue to be:

"How Are You Going to Stop It?"

XXVI

"You must think that kings has got nothing better to do with their time than fool it away on ocean steamers, Mawruss," Abe said. "A king of England is a very busy man, Mawruss, which I bet yer right now he is dated up as far ahead as Purim, 1921, laying corner-stones, opening exhibitions, making the speech of the afternoon or the evening, as the case may be, at assorted luncheons, teas, and dinners; trying on uniforms; signing warrants at a fee of two guineas and sixpence—not including three cents war tax—for the appointment of tea, coffee, or cocoa manufacturers as purveyors of tea, coffee, or cocoa to the royal household, y'understand, and doing all the other things which a king does in England and a prominent Elk does in America."

"Well, anyhow, I suppose the King of England, junior, must of done a lot of hard work during the war which makes the King, senior, think that it is time the boy had a vacation."

"Oser!" Abe said. "So far as I can make out, the young feller made a couple of tourist's tours of the battle-fields, Mawruss, and maybe helped out once or twice with the corner-stone laying; but otherwise, for all the actual fighting he did, instead of being the King of England's son during the war, he might just so well have been Mr. Ford's son."

"Well, kings, junior or senior, ain't supposed to fight, Abe," Morris said. "The most their countries expects of them is that they should share the privations of their subjects by reducing the cost of running their homes till they are living as economically during war-times as a Texas oil millionaire does during peace-times. There was days together there, in the terrible winter of 1916-1917, when the only dishes which appeared on the tables of European kings, outside of green-turtle soup and roast pheasant, was hothouse asparagus and fresh strawberry ice-cream, Abe. The sufferings of kings, junior and senior, during the war 'ain't half been told in the newspapers, Abe."

"The Kings of England, junior and senior, is very popular in England at that, Mawruss," Abe said, "which every week the illustrated papers prints picture after picture of both of them Kings looking every inch kings, or anyhow openers or better, y'understand; and in fact, Mawruss, the English-reading public never seems to get tired of seeing pictures of building operations, just so long as there is one of them Kings in it laying the corner-stone or turning the first sod of the excavation."

"For that matter, Abe, them brown illustrated supplements to American Sunday newspapers which rubs off so on Palm Beach suits and ladies' white gloves, 'ain't absolutely declared a boycott on kings' pictures, neither," Morris declared. "I suppose that pictures of them Kings with or without Marshal Haig reviewing soldiers and handing out medals is easy worth several hundred dollars a week to the dry cleaners of New York City alone."

"Did I say they didn't?" Abe asked. "Which, considering the trouble and expense this country was put to over the Declaration of Independence, Mawruss, you would be surprised how much interest a whole lot of ladies takes in the English royal family. Here a short time ago the King, senior's, father a brother's daughter got married beneath her to one of the chief stockholders of the Canadian Pacific Railroad, Mawruss, and you would think from the way my Rosie carried on about it that the girl's mother was going round saying what did she ever do that her daughter should go to work and marry a feller that made his living that way, and what a mercy it was the grandmother didn't live to see it; the theory being, Mawruss, that when a king's relation marries a healthy young chief stockholder with nothing flowing in his veins but the blood of a couple of generations of managing directors, y'understand, it is the equivalence of a bank president's daughter eloping with a professional dancer in a cabaret."

"And when the King, junior, arrives in this country there is going to be a lot of disappointment among them ladies which also gets their pictures printed by the Sunday supplement sitting around cross-legged in ankle-length, awning-striped skirts at dawg-shows, in such a way that even the dawgs must feel embarrassed if they've got the ordinary dawg's sense of decency, Abe," Morris said, "because I see by the paper that the King, senior, has instructed his son that while in New York he should live on board the English battle-ship which is bringing him here so as not to have no truck with any millionaires."

"I suppose the old man thinks that one managing director's child in the royal family is enough," Abe suggested.

"Well," Morris said, "looking at him from the King's standpoint, it will save the young feller's mother a lot of anxiety to know that he is safe on board an English battle-ship every night instead of running around the streets of a country where everybody, up to and including the President himself, is the young feller's social inferior."

"And also, you can't blame the old man if he ain't taking no risks when the young feller gets home and his mother asks him did he have a good time, that two Right Honorable General Practitioners in Waiting would got to work over her for an hour or so bringing her out of one swoon after another as the result of her son saying, 'I'll say I did,'" Abe observed.

"Still, at the same time, Abe," Morris said, "it is going to be a wonderful opportunity for the young feller, even if he gets home again, he would occasionally use the words, 'You've said it,' instead of 'Quite so.'"

"But that ain't the idea in the King's sending him over here, Mawruss," Abe said. "The intention is that it is a wonderful opportunity for the American people to see how a king looks and at the same time not have it come off on your gloves. In other words, Mawruss, it's as a favor to us that the young feller is coming over here, and the chances is that his personal feelings in the matter is very much the same as yours or mine would be if we was about to make Sarahcuse, Rochester, Buffalo, Detroit, and Chicago with a line of popular-price garments. We would do it in the course of making a living and not for the education of the thing."

"Then my advice to the young feller and his father is that he should stay home in these times when the building trade is looking up so, Abe, and help out with the corner-stone laying," Morris said, "and give the people of this country a real treat by sending over Lord George or Marshall Field Haig, which while this here King, junior, is a decent, respectable young feller and his father is also a gentleman that nobody could say a word against no matter if it does cost the English people sixpence in the pound of the ten shillings in the pound which they've got to pay income tax in order that the English royal family should continue to live in the style to which it has become accustomed during the past five hundred years, Abe, still, at the same time, if I could be standing on the curb watching Lord George or this here Haig driving by, it would give me a real thrill to think that I am at last looking at the face of a man who for over four years has been working night and day to put over the biggest thing that has ever been put over in the history of the world, y'understand; whereas, what for a thrill would I get from looking at the face of a man who, putting it big, has been laying as many corner-stones as all the bricklayers' unions in the American Federation of Labor and has been presiding at as many banquets as this here Irving J. Cobb and Gustave Thomas combined?"

"At that, there will be a whole lot of ambulance calls for people who has fainted away in the crowds that will collect to see the King, junior, drive up Fifth Avenue, Mawruss," Abe said.

"I know there will," Morris said; "and if it rested with me, Abe, I wouldn't spend so much as two cents for mathematic spirits of ammonia to bring them to, neither, because them crowds in America is helping along a European idea which we sent across several million American soldiers to wipe out. Them American crowds will be encouraging European kings to believe that even in America we still think it is all right for the ordinary people of Europe to sacrifice their lives and their property, in order that them corner-stone layers shall cop out the credit."

"As a matter of fact, Mawruss," Abe said, "Mr. Wilson invited the young feller to visit America."

"Yow, President Wilson invited him!" Morris exclaimed. "After the experience President Wilson had in Paris staying with the Murats he must have a pretty good idea what it means to be eaten out of house and home by the people that tags along with a king or a president, which I bet yer the most that Mr. Wilson said when he was visiting England last Christmas was that he told the King, senior, if he was ever in Washington to be sure and look him up, or to not to fail to let him know if he was ever in Washington, or that the latch-string was always out at the White House, or any one of the hundreds of things that ordinarily the most inhospitable person in the world is perfectly safe in saying without any one taking him up on it."

"Well, that's where Mr. Wilson made a big mistake, Mawruss," Abe said, "because evidently this here King, junior, couldn't take a joke, y'understand; which, the way it looks now, Mawruss, even if Mr. Wilson had said, 'I hope to see you again sometime,' he would of immediately taken out of his vest pocket such a little book which you put memorandums in it and said how about August 30, 1919, or would September 10th suit Mr. Wilson better, and that's the way it would of went."

"Anyhow, that's neither here nor there, Abe," Morris said, "because, no matter how many times nowadays Mrs. Wilson is going to ask Mr. Wilson why he couldn't of said good-by, King, and let it go at that, because such people, if you give them the least little encouragement, they would use you like you was running a boarding-house already, understand me, it ain't going to improve matters for Mr. Wilson when the young feller does arrive."

"Say!" Abe exclaimed. "It wouldn't do that King, junior, no harm to rough it a little there at the White House, Mawruss."

"What do you mean—rough it?" Morris demanded. "Don't you suppose the President of the United States eats just so good in his own home as the King of England does in his, Abe? It would be the least of Mr. Wilson's worries if the young feller would expect chicken à la king and fillet of kingfish for breakfast, dinner, and supper already, but when it comes to making up a list of the guests which would be invited to meet this here King of England, junior, that is where Mr. Wilson is wise he would get himself run over by a trolley-car or something, and sustain enough injuries to keep him confined to his bed from a few days before the young feller arrives until the morning after the British ambassador successfully slips it to the young feller that the people in Washington is beginning to wonder if a king of England 'ain't got no home, y'understand."

"But why couldn't Mr. Wilson give one big dinner for the King, junior, to which he would invite the Senate and House of Representatives in a body, and have the whole thing over at one schlag, y'understand?"

"Say," Morris said, "the dining-room at the White House is a big place, but it ain't exactly Madison Square Garden, and it ain't even Childs's Boardwalk restaurant, neither."

"Then let him invite them to a series of meals in rotation alphabetically, and let it go at that," Abe suggested.

"Before that would get him out of his troubles and not hold up the confirmation of the Peace Treaty and League of Nations, Abe, Mr. Wilson would first got to get an act of Congress passed amending the order of the alphabet and making L for Lodge, J for Johnson, and R for Reed come ahead of H for Hitchcock, who, of course, wouldn't mind helping out Mr. Wilson by allowing himself to be shifted to the third or fourth sitting," Morris said.

"Maybe it would be a good thing to let the alphabet stand and square things with Borah and Brandegee," Abe retorted.

"It might even be still better if Mr. Wilson would write the King, junior, to be so good and postpone his visit until after Inauguration Day, 1921, and put the entire problem up to the next President, whoever he might be," Morris said.

"He might even be Mr. Wilson," Abe concluded; "because, when it comes to a job like entertaining this here King, junior, what American is anxious to tackle it, even if by doing so he could become President even? Am I right or wrong?"

THE END

NOVELS OF

THOMAS HARDY

The New Thin-Paper Edition of the greatest living English novelist is issued in two bindings: Red Limp-Leather and Red Flexible Cloth, 12mo. Frontispiece in each volume.

DESPERATE REMEDIES
FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD
A GROUP OF NOBLE DAMES
THE HAND OF ETHELBERTA
JUDE THE OBSCURE
A LAODICEAN
LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES
THE MAYOR OF CASTERBRIDGE
A PAIR OF BLUE EYES
THE RETURN OF THE NATIVE
TESS OF THE D'URBERVILLES
THE TRUMPET MAJOR
TWO ON A TOWER
UNDER THE GREENWOOD TREE
THE WELL-BELOVED
WESSEX TALES
THE WOODLANDERS

HARPER    &    BROTHERS

NEW YORK       Established 1817       LONDON

NOVELS OF

WILL N. HARBEN

"His people talk as if they had not been in books before, and they talk all the more interestingly because they have for the most part not been in society, or ever will be. They express themselves in the neighborly parlance with a fury of fun, of pathos, and profanity which is native to their region. Of all our localists, as I may call the type of American writers whom I think the most national, no one has done things more expressive of the life he was born to than Mr. Harben."

William Dean Howells.

THE HILLS OF REFUGE
THE INNER LAW
ABNER DANIEL
ANN BOYD. Illustrated
DIXIE HART. Frontispiece
GILBERT NEAL. Frontispiece
MAM' LINDA
JANE DAWSON. Frontispiece
PAUL RUNDEL. Frontispiece
POLE BAKER.
SECOND CHOICE. Frontispiece
THE DESIRED WOMAN. Frontispiece
THE GEORGIANS.
THE NEW CLARION. Frontispiece
THE REDEMPTION OF KENNETH GALT. Frontispiece
THE SUBSTITUTE.
WESTERFELT.

Post 8vo, Cloth

HARPER    &    BROTHERS

NEW YORK       Established 1817       LONDON

BOOKS BY

MARGARET DELAND

THE RISING TIDE. Illustrated
AROUND OLD CHESTER. Illustrated
THE COMMON WAY. 16mo
DR. LAVENDAR'S PEOPLE. Illustrated
AN ENCORE. Illustrated
GOOD FOR THE SOUL. Illustrated
THE HANDS OF ESAU. Illustrated
THE AWAKENING OF HELENA RICHIE. Illustrated
THE IRON WOMAN. Illustrated
OLD CHESTER TALES. Illustrated
PARTNERS. Illustrated
R. J.'S MOTHER. Illustrated
THE VOICE. Illustrated
THE WAY TO PEACE. Illustrated
WHERE THE LABORERS ARE FEW. Illustrated

HARPER    &    BROTHERS

NEW YORK       Established 1817       LONDON

BOOKS BY

SIR GILBERT PARKER

THE WORLD FOR SALE
THE MONEY MASTER
THE JUDGMENT HOUSE
THE RIGHT OF WAY
THE LADDER OF SWORDS
THE WEAVERS
THE BATTLE OF THE STRONG
WHEN VALMOND CAME TO PONTIAC
THE LANE THAT HAD NO TURNING
NORTHERN LIGHTS
PIERRE AND HIS PEOPLE
AN ADVENTURER OF THE NORTH
A ROMANY OF THE SNOWS
CUMNER'S SON, AND OTHER SOUTH SEA FOLK

HARPER    &    BROTHERS

NEW YORK       Established 1817       LONDON