ACT I
Scene: JAMES DEEGAN’S new kitchen. The walls are raw and the doors and windows unpainted, for the building is still unfinished.
At the back are a door and windows to the farmyard; another door L. to rooms. The fireplace is on the R., and a little beyond it is a cupboard, built in the wall.
A table, an old armchair, and a few ordinary chairs have been brought over from the old house and are piled up in a corner.
Time: A July night, about dusk.
PAUL TWYNING, in white jacket and overalls, is mixing mortar on the floor with a shovel.
OLD DEEGAN [off]. Anybody here?
PAUL. Yes, your worship; Paul’s here.
JAMES DEEGAN, J.P., a tall, grave old man, dressed in Gladstonian style, comes in from the yard.
OLD DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, I want to speak a word.
PAUL. Well, your worship?
OLD DEEGAN [irritably]. I have told you repeatedly not to “worship” me, sir! I’m not on the Bench now.
PAUL. Well, sure I can’t bring myself to address you like an ordinary man. Let me call you “your honour.” Sure, south of the Boyne a big man like yourself—a farmer and magistrate—is called “your honour,” and looks for it.
OLD DEEGAN. We in the North are more democratic.… But that’s not my errand here. What I want to know is—when will you be through with this plastering?
PAUL. In three or four days, master, if I’m spared the health. I’m now at the cornishing in the parlour-room, and, as you see, I’m working overtime and attending myself.
OLD DEEGAN. The sooner you’re done and out of this the better.
PAUL. Of coorse! That’s a tradesman’s thanks the world over.
DEEGAN. When I took you in—a tramp off the highway—it was to plaster my house, not to meddle in my family affairs.
PAUL. Mr. Deegan, your honour, d’ye mean that? Is it in dead earnest you are?
DEEGAN. Certainly so.
PAUL. And when and how did I meddle in your family affairs? Out with it, now, for I won’t lie under it.
DEEGAN. You had my son Daniel at a dance in M’Gothigan’s barn and without my permission.
PAUL. But your other son—Pat, that has the pub. in the town—was at the dance himself and supplied the drink.…
DEEGAN. That was a business transaction. Besides, Patrick is a married man, but this lad at home is single.
PAUL. But the M’Gothigans are respectable people, and your lad, as you call him, is over forty years of age.…
DEEGAN. My son Daniel is—like all the young men of his generation—graceless and without understanding.
PAUL. Well, of coorse, I only know him a short time, your honour, but I’d formed a very high opinion of Dan.
DEEGAN. No doubt.… But a tramp’s opinion of respectability and mine are different. [Sternly.] I don’t want a daughter-in-law of your choosing, sir!
PAUL. Nor, I suppose, of Dan’s either, your honour?
DEEGAN. You have said it. Daniel will have no choice. [Turning to go] I’m going now to interview a suitable female to be his wife, and if she suits me, she’ll have to suit him, and you, and the M’Gothigans. [He goes out back.]
PAUL. Well, begorry, I’ve tramped Ireland, England, and parts of Scotland, but there is the worst specimen of the landed aristocracy I’ve met.… That’s the sort of democrats the Land League left behind it. [Shouts.] Hi, Dan! You may emerge from your rat-hole. Ould Clanricarde has gone out.
DAN DEEGAN comes in back. He is a wild-visaged man of medium height, with hair turning from grey to whiteness. He is clothed a few degrees worse than a hired servant, and moves with quick, furtive gestures.
DAN. What did my fader say, Paul? In God’s name, amen.
PAUL. Well, he seems to think, Dan, you’ve been sporting your figure at M’Gothigan’s dance.…
DAN. Flames, has he heard I was there? What did he say? Did he mention Rose? Quick, man, for your sowl, and tell a buddy.
PAUL. Oh, he knows all about your love affair, Dan. But I must say he took a very wide view of it. He says what is very true—that you have to marry some time and why not now?
DAN. My sowl, that is a wide view!
PAUL. He also says that you were always a headstrong lad, and he supposes if you’ve made Rose M’Gothigan a promise that you’ll stick to it.…
DAN [excited]. Did he say that, Paul? Did he call me a stubbornt fella?
PAUL. Stiff-necked and stubborn were the words he used.
DAN. I’m in flames, but he’s right! I was always as stiff as a mule if I took a thing in my head.… But I didn’t speak the word to Rose, Paul.…
PAUL. Eh! Is that the next of it? Let you answer me a few simple questions. Didn’t you sit beside her last night till the cocks were crowing this morning?
DAN. I did, heth.
PAUL. And didn’t you hold her hand for hours at a stretch?
DAN. I’ll never deny it.
PAUL. And didn’t you slip her a conversation-lozenger with the inscription upon it:
DAN. I did, heth. And she read it and laft her fill.
PAUL. And then you have the nerve to stand there and tell me you’re not engaged!
DAN [confused]. Does Rose think I axed her?
PAUL. Aye, and what is more important, her father and mother both maintain that you axed her.…
DAN. Oh, flames! has it went that far?
PAUL. But they all know the sort of James Deegan, J.P. They know you can’t bring a wife in here without his consent.…
DAN. Is that gospel true, Paul? Would Rose and her fader and mother agree to wait?
PAUL. Rose is only in the bud, and can afford to wait as long as you like.
DAN. Then, I’m in flames, but that settles it! I’ll see Rose this night, afore I lay my side to a bed, and settle the match.… That’s the sort of me. If ever I made up my mind to do a thing, I always tore through it like a mad bull with the cholic.
PAUL. Now that’s bould, headstrong talk. Now I like the way you lowered your brows when you said that. I never saw such determination in my life.…
DAN [lowers his brows]. I can look very detarmint when I like.… I wish I’d done it twenty-five years ago.… I’ve been the wee boy too long. But I’ve turned Turk at last.
PAUL. Well, that will do for the present, Dan. [Looks about the floor] See if I left my spatula in the room. [DAN goes into the room.] Poor Dan! Your battering-ram expression will change quickly once ould Bismarck comes in.…
DAN [comes in with spatula]. Is that your bottle in the room, Paul?
PAUL. That’s a souvenir of M’Gothigan’s dance. Fetch it here, Dan, and we’ll celebrate your betrothal.
DAN goes into the room and returns with a bottle.
DAN [spelling the name on the label]. “Pathrick Degan … Boar’s Head, Ballybullion.”… This is my brother Pat’s whiskey, Paul.
PAUL. It’s nothing the better of that, Dan. Get a cup. [DAN gets a cup and PAUL pours a dose.] Toss it off quickly now, before it explodes in your hand.
DAN. Here’s to Rose herself, Paul.… Angels guard her, amen. [Drinks and wreathes violently.] I’m in flames, but that’s torpentine!
PAUL [pours a drink for himself]. Here’s every day to you, Dan. May yourself and Rose live for ever. [Drinks.] Faith, sowl, that’s your brother’s whiskey sure enough. You might as well swallow a torchlight procession.
DAN. Well, he said he made it spacial for the dance.
PAUL. And so he did—he took too much pains with making it! Take it away now. [DAN leaves the bottle in the room and comes back.] Get me some water, Dan, for this cement.…
DAN. Here’s the bucket.… [Goes out to the yard.]
PAUL. Rose M’Gothigan ought soon to be showing up, just if she hasn’t changed her mind.
DAN rushes in.
DAN. Paul, Paul Twyning! Who’s coming down the road? And all by her lone! Guess!
PAUL. Oh, I could never guess, Dan, in twenty years. I give it up.
DAN. Rose herself.… May I never do what’s sinful.… And she’s taking every look at the new house. Now’s my chance, Paul.
PAUL. Tell me this quickly. Do you feel that nip of special in your head yet?
DAN. No, but I feel it in my feet. It’s flying down to my toes.… Will I go out and put the spake on her?
PAUL. And a nice posy y’are to put the speak on anyone! Look at the dirt of your face. And where is the blue dicky you wore at the dance?
DAN. It should be here. [Takes an old rag of a dicky from the cupboard.] I hid it in here this morning when I come in from the dance.
PAUL. Put the dicky on your neck and give the face a rub with a wet rag, and I’ll invite Rose in to see the house.…
DAN. But what am I to say, Paul? How am I to seal the match? I never did the like afore.
PAUL. I believe I’ve a ring here that I picked up many years ago at Lisdoonvarna. [Takes a ring from his pocket.] It mayn’t be eighteen carat, Dan, but it’s better than no ring at all. [He gives DAN the ring.] Put that on her finger, Dan, and she’s yours till the sands of the desert grow cold.
DAN. What finger, Paul?
PAUL. Oh, she’ll hould out the correct finger, never fear you.
DAN. But if it wouldn’t fit, Paul?
PAUL. Then try some of the others. Put it on any finger it fits. The main thing is to get it on.
DAN. But what am I to say, Paul? How does other people do it?
PAUL. There is no cut-and-dry formula, Dan. Some proposes with tears in their eyes, and others with their eyes tight shut. And some says one thing and some another. But in your case, something like this might do: “Rose dear, after long and serious consideration, I’ve decided to ask you to be Mrs. Dan Deegan. Now or never, Rose, will you marry me?”
DAN. Sowl, that’s fine talk, Paul. You’re a handy boy wi’ the tongue.
PAUL [going]. When you’re nicely groomed and the face scrubbed, sing a lilt of a song, and I’ll fetch Rose in. [He goes out back.]
DAN [scrubbing his face]. Rose dear, after long and sarious confederation, I’ve decided to ask you to be my wedded wife. [Shakes his head.] I don’t think that’s Paul’s version of it.… [Struggles with the dicky.] Is confederation or conflageration the best word?… Och, what odds about a word? She’ll know what I mean, and that’s the main thing. [Gets the dicky fastened, and sings.]
PAUL and ROSE M’GOTHIGAN come in back. ROSE is a pretty girl, aged twenty.
PAUL. By glory above, Dan, you’ve a voice like a piccolo. About a fortnight in Italy would make you perfect.
DAN. Och, you’re only sconcing me, Paul. I wasn’t singing that well at all. [Shakes hands with ROSE.] Morra, Rose. You’re welcome there. How are you feeling after the ball?
ROSE. The best, Dan. How’s yourself?
DAN. Oh, as right as the mail. [Shakes his head.] We’d a big night, Rose.… The biggest night ever I put in.
ROSE. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, Dan. [Looks about] This is a fine big kitchen.
DAN. Heth, sowl, it’s big enough. It’s like a gaol-yard.
ROSE. It wants for nothing, Dan.
DAN. Oh, it’s very complete, Rose.
PAUL. Now that’s where you’re wrong, the pair of you. It is by no means complete. It wants the main feature. Wait and I’ll explain what I mean. [Brings the old armchair to the fireside.] Now, my decent girl, subside into that chair.…
ROSE. Oh, Paul, I haven’t a minute.
PAUL. But I won’t keep you a second. I only want to let Dan see what I’m driving at. [ROSE sits down.] There now. The kitchen is no longer a gaol. ’Tis a home sweet home.
DAN [chortling]. Sowl, Paul, it takes yourself.
PAUL. Now, Rose, I’ll ask you one simple question. If Dan had no one but himself in the world, wouldn’t you be content to fill that chair for life and for ever?
ROSE. I suppose I would.
DAN. And it’s my mother’s chair, too, Rose. Rest her in pace, amen.
PAUL. There you are now, Dan. Yourself and Rose are half engaged already. So I’ll give you a few minutes to settle it in the usual way, and then I’ll come back.
He goes to the room door, but is seen to listen.
DAN [after an awkward pause]. This was a fine growing day, Rose.
ROSE. It was a bit hot about twelve.
DAN. Aye, it was like rain in the forenoon.… I was in the moss all day.
ROSE. I was working in the hay.
DAN. How’s it cutting, Rose?
ROSE. Oh, fairly well, I think.
DAN. Boys, we’d a big night last night, Rose. You were the belle of the ball.
ROSE. Och, you’re only saying that, Dan.
DAN. I’m saying nothing of the kind, Rose. It’s the holy truth. You were the belle.
ROSE. The people was all remarking you and me talking, Dan.
DAN. Let them remark their fill. They’ll maybe remark more than that afore long. [After a painful effort] Rose dear, after long and sarious confederation, I’ve decided to make you Mrs. Dan Deegan. Now or never, Rose, will you marry me?
ROSE. Oh, Dan, we needn’t talk.
DAN. Why, Rose?
ROSE. Because I haven’t a penny, and you’ll be wanting a girl with a big fortune for this grand house.…
DAN. Me want a fortune! Not the cross of coin, Rose. You’re a fortune yourself. You can feed pigs and milk cows and keep a house. That’s enough for me.
ROSE. But it’s not enough for your father, Dan. He’ll want a fortune.
DAN. Well, my fader’s over seventy. Can’t we wait till he goes? All here is mine after his day. Pat has the pub. in the town.
ROSE. Well, Dan, I’ll wait.
DAN. Och! I know’d you’d cave in at last! Love always finds a way. And the ring’s here and all. [Puts it on her finger.] You’re Rose Deegan now, come weal or woe. It’s a long time since I concaited you.
PAUL comes in.
PAUL. Another match made in heaven! My blessing, childer. [Shakes hands.] And now for a speedy marriage.
DAN. Oh, we’ve agreed to wait my fader’s day, Paul.
PAUL. I heard the arrangement, Dan. But that’s only because you can’t see your way sooner. With your father’s consent and blessing you’d lose little time, I’ll go bail.
DAN. Not a day, Paul.
PAUL. Very well, then, just leave me to settle with the ould man. I think I can manipulate him.… If I succeed I’ll expect a small money present. Say five pounds—to carry me down to Carlow.
DAN. And you’ll get it. There’s my hand. [They shake.]
ROSE [making to rise]. I’ll be going now, Dan. Your father might come in.…
DAN. Och, sit still, Rose. My fader won’t be in this hour. He’s away to look at the young heifers.…
ROSE. I saw him going into Mullan’s.
PAUL. It’s maybe an ould heifer he’ll look at before he comes back.
DAN [alarmed]. What d’ye mean, Paul? In God’s name, amen.
PAUL. Isn’t there an ould doll in the name of Mullan, home from America with a boatload of money?
DAN. I’m in flames but you’re right. Ould Daisy Mullan.
PAUL. Well, she’s the heifer your father’s off to see, Dan. [Listens.] Whisht! And, begorry, she hasn’t kept him long … here he’s back. [He runs into the room.]
DAN [wildly]. My fader, my fader, as God’s my judge!
ROSE [leaps up]. Oh, Dan, Dan!
DAN. Hide the ring—hide the ring!
OLD DEEGAN comes in back.
OLD DEEGAN. Just so. I beg leave to be excused for coming in without knocking.
ROSE. I’ll be going, Dan.…
OLD DEEGAN. Tarry a moment, Miss M’Gothigan.
DAN [shaking]. I was only showing her the new house, fader.
DEEGAN. Did you tell her who built the new house?
DAN. Oh, the whole world knows that, fader. It was yourself built it and paid it.
DEEGAN. How do you know whether it’s paid or not, young man?
DAN [dashed]. Oh, well, I hope it is, anyway.
DEEGAN. That’s a good boy. Hope well and you’ll have well. [Glancing at the chair] You have been trying how Miss M’Gothigan would fill your mother’s chair, I see.
DAN [broken]. She was only in it a minute, fader.
DEEGAN. And you have on your good dicky, I observe.
DAN. I only put it on after you went out, fader.
DEEGAN. Take it off, sir!
DAN. Yes, fader. [Goes back and struggles with dicky.]
DEEGAN. Does the new house suit you, Miss M’Gothigan?
ROSE [choking]. It’s a fine house, sir.…
DEEGAN. It will be a fine home for a young woman with certain qualifications. Daniel would be inclined to be rash in these matters, but I’ll take care he makes no mistakes. Now I won’t detain you, Miss M’Gothigan. I’ll bid you a good evening.
ROSE. Good … evening.… [Goes out sobbing.]
DEEGAN [wipes the chair with his handkerchief and sits down]. Come forward, boy.
DAN. Yes, fader. [Stands forward.]
DEEGAN. Is there anything between you and that low-born trull of Denis M’Gothigan’s?
DAN. Not a ha’porth, fader. Thank God, amen.
DEEGAN. What authority had you to bring her into my house?
DAN. It was Paul Twyning, fader. He axed her in to see the plastering.
DEEGAN. And what authority had Paul Twyning to invite a strange female in here?
DAN. I don’t know, fader. Him and the M’Gothigans is very pact. Maybe that was it.
DEEGAN. Paul Twyning and the M’Gothigans are much the same breed of inferiors. Tell Paul Twyning to come forth.
DAN. Yes, fader. [Goes to the room door and shouts] Paul Twyning, you’re awanting! [PAUL appears.] My fader wants you, Paul. [Aside] Not a word, Paul, for the love of God, amen. I’m denying everything.
PAUL [coming forward]. Well, your honour, have you brought the ould aisy-chair across to the new hearth? Long may you fill it in comfort.
DEEGAN. Oh, thank you.… It won’t be long empty when I’m gone.… Was it you invited that person M’Gothigan to inspect the new house in my absence?
PAUL. I didn’t see much harm in asking a good girl to look at the plastering, God bless it. And by the same token, I thought yourself was upstairs the while.
DEEGAN [sharply]. That will do, sir!
PAUL. What will do, sir?
DEEGAN. I want no more of that.
PAUL. Oh, very well, all right! [Takes off his jacket.] If you want no more of it, neither do I.… Give me three days’ pay and let me back to a dacent country.…
DEEGAN [stands up]. You have taken me up wrong, sir. I didn’t mean you to stop work. I meant you to stop lying.
PAUL. That’s worse again! [Pitches the jacket on the floor.] My three days’ pay, or an apology. Now suit yourself.
DEEGAN. An apology? For what?
PAUL. For as good as calling me a liar. [Loudly] Devil recaive the spark of plaster I’ll put on the wall till you apologise! And for little, I’d plaster the house with writs for defamation of character.
DEEGAN. Writs! I’ve been in the Four Courts of Dublin in my time.
PAUL. And from what I hear, you’ve dragooned the whole parish ever since.… But by my sowl, you won’t dragoon Paul Twyning! You were only a week-end in Dublin, but I was born and raised and educated in it.
DEEGAN. You’re a great credit to it.… But go on with the plastering. I withdraw the words I said … or perhaps you’d prefer a written apology?
PAUL. Oh, the verbal repudiation will satisfy my honour. But since you’ve raised my dander I’ll press for full trades union rights. As a journeyman I’m entitled to bring in any man, woman, or child to examine my work. That’s how we tradesmen build up a reputation.
DEEGAN. Just so. Who will you invite next?
PAUL. Daisy Mullan’s aunt, for one. She has a bedroom wants a ceiling.
DEEGAN. Miss Mullan’s aunt will be very welcome.
PAUL. And Denis M’Gothigan’s pantry needs new lath and plaster. [Picks up his jacket.] I’ll have my full rights, or down tools. [Goes into the room.]
DEEGAN. That tramp scoundrel has more in his mind than plastering.… I hope you gave no promise of any kind to the slut?
DAN. No promise, fader. Thank God, amen.
DEEGAN. If you have, I’ll deal drastically with you. I’ll march you to Derry quay and put you aboard the emigrant ship, with my own hands. Mind that.
DAN [shivers]. You wouldn’t do that, fader dear.
DEEGAN. Try to thwart me, or disobey me, and you’ll see.… I have done it with your brothers and sisters when I was less independent than I’m now, and I’ll do it with you, too. [Holds up his hand.] Do you see that hand on my body?
DAN. Yes, fader.
DEEGAN. May it wither if I don’t make an example of you!
DAN [trembles]. But I’m not trying to twart you, fader. I’ve no mind to twart you.
DEEGAN. Not to my face. But the moment you get my back turned, you have a dirty M’Gothigan cocked in your dead mother’s chair.… May the Most High keep me in temper.…
DAN. Amen, fader. Don’t vex yourself, fader. I’ll never marry nobody your day.…
DEEGAN. You’ll marry to-morrow if you’re told! And the choice will be mine, not yours.
DAN. All right, fader. You’re the best judge of a cow or a horse in the parish, and maybe of a well-doing woman too.
DEEGAN. If she has a certain sum of hard money I won’t look too closely at her points. My thick-witted son is not such a catch in himself.
DAN. God knows that’s true, fader.
DEEGAN. I have my eye on a suitable female for this chair. She’s like yourself, not embarrassed with too much intelligence, but I understand she has money.…
DAN [aghast]. The ould Yankee Mullan! Ould Daisy Mullan that could be my granny!
DEEGAN. You are wrong, sir. Miss Mullan is in the prime of life. [Sternly] Would you dare turn the word on me, sir?
DAN [meekly]. Oh, whatever you plan, yourself, fader, I’m agreeable.… You’re a highly educated man.… And I know nothing, God help me.… But I don’t like her Yankee twang.…
DEEGAN. If her Yankee twang keeps you in the far fields, so much the better. I’m not marrying you to be happy, or to sit with your toes in the ashes.… Go now, and put on your Sunday clothes.…
DAN. Where am I going, fader?—in God’s name, amen!
DEEGAN. You’re going over with me to Mullan’s!… Wash the lime and mortar from behind your ears. And keep the cap pulled down over your hair.… It’s nice to see a boy of your age with grey hair in his head!
DAN. I can’t help my hair turning white, fader.… Will I put this dicky on my neck?
DEEGAN. Certainly so.
PAUL comes in for mortar.
PAUL. Dan, boys will be boys, and all of us make mistakes. But I think you ought to take your distinguished father into your confidence.…
DAN. I’m in flames, but I’m betrayed! Sold like a bullock in Smithfield! [Dashes into the room.]
PAUL. I may be only a tramp, your honour, but I’ve an Irish heart in my body, and it hurts me to see a foolish boy deceiving a good father.
DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, you are a better man than I gave you credit for.… What has this lad been doing?
PAUL. He has been offering marriage to Rose M’Gothigan, and, needless to say, she accepted.
DEEGAN [staggers]. Oh, don’t say that word! Tell me he has stolen something, or taken a false oath, but don’t say he’s pledged to that inferior.
PAUL. It grieves me to hurt a proud father’s feelings, but I must protest the truth. He proposed to her in that aisy-chair a few minutes ago, and was accepted under my own eyes.…
DAN [appears in room doorway]. It’s a lie, Judas! Mind, I’m prepared to fight for my life. It’s your oath again mine, and what are you but a tramp from God knows where?
DEEGAN. Go inside, sir, and close the door! Leave my sight, lest Satan tempt me to lift my hand.
DAN. My oath’s as good as Paul Twyning’s.
PAUL. You could probably swear me clean out of court, Dan; but you can’t swear your way through an engagement-ring.
DAN [loudly]. Flames to the traitor! [Goes in and bangs the door.]
DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, be careful. A ring?
PAUL. A ring, your honour. He put it on her finger and kissed her before I could run out and stop him.
DEEGAN. Are you prepared to swear to that?
PAUL. I couldn’t do otherwise, your honour, and keep the conscience right.
DEEGAN [drops into the chair]. Then Denis M’Gothigan has got a case against me at last!
PAUL. I’ll leave you alone now with your grief, master. I’m glad I’d the courage to do my duty.
DEEGAN. Thank you.
PAUL [knocks at room door]. May I come in, Dan?
DAN [inside]. Flames to the traitor!
PAUL goes in.
DEEGAN [stands up]. This has decided me. If Daisy Mullan can give me proof of her financial position, I’ll make the match before I sleep.…
DAISY MULLAN comes in back. She is an oldish, noisy, over-dressed person, with horn-rimmed glasses, much cheap jewellery, and a conspicuous vanity-bag.
DAISY. Ogee, Mr. Deegan, what do you blamed well think? I let you come away without getting your advice on several business propositions. First thing, I wanna ask you about the Irish banking system. Is the Irish banks safe, Mr. Deegan?
DEEGAN. Our leading banks are perfectly safe.
DAISY. And you think they’d give a gel a square deal if she was having her money crossed over from the States to this country, do you, Mr. Deegan?
DEEGAN. Not the least doubt of it.
DAISY. Then I’d wanna know the best gamut for collecting my rents and having ’em remitted, in case I should buy me a shack and settle down around here for a spell. Whatcha know about that, Mr. Deegan?
DEEGAN. That could easily be arranged later.
DAISY. Say, Mr. Deegan, you’ve sure taken a mighty weight off my shoulders. But ain’t it too blamed bad, my racing after you like this and blistering you with my troubles, ain’t it?
DEEGAN. No trouble, Miss Mullan, where you are concerned.
DAISY. By gosh, ain’t that just lovely! Say, Mr. Deegan, I guess it ain’t the first time you’ve jollied a gel, sure not. [Throws her eye round the house.] So this is your noo house, is it? And a blamed swell building to look at, you bet. Large, airy, and commodious. Health to enjoy it, my friend.
DEEGAN. Thank you kindly. It’s still in a raw state, or I would take you through it. The plasterer is still working in the room.…
DAISY. Oh, that Dublin feller, eh? He’s a good mechanic, ain’t he? M’auntie’s going to have him plaster a bedroom.
DEEGAN. Paul Twyning may have other faults, but he’s a good tradesman.
DAISY. Hits the liquor, do he?
DEEGAN. He is by no means a sot. But he can’t keep his nose out of other people’s business. He has only been three weeks in this locality, but he could write a history of the inhabitants. He questions the very children along the road as to their antecedents.
DAISY. Ain’t that for you, now! And m’aunt she thinks him such an innocent babe. [Opens her vanity-bag.] And now for some more trouble, Mr. Deegan. I’ve got an American bank draft here for a small amount, but seems I gotta have it endorsed by a responsible person before an Irish bank can fork out. Is that right, Mr. Deegan?
DEEGAN [chary]. I’m much afraid that’s the rule. [Puts on his specs.]
DAISY [fishes out a paper]. This ain’t it. This is my insurance policy on a block of house property I got on Mount Airy, West Philadelphia. [Hands it to him.] You hang on to that a moment, please, till I root out what I want.
DEEGAN [brightening]. With pleasure. [Scans the document.]
DAISY [takes out another paper]. What the all-fired noosiance have I got here? Why, yeah. My broker’s receipts for a bunch of stock in the Chesapeake, Ohio, and Pennsylvania Railway. [Hands it over.] I’ll trouble you to hold it, Mr. Deegan.
DEEGAN. No trouble. [Reads it.]
PAUL comes in, and coughs to draw attention.
PAUL. Beg pardon. I’m sorry to interrupt the good work, but I want my spatula.
DEEGAN. No harm, Paul.
DAISY. Say, Mr. Paul Twyning, when are you coming to plaster m’auntie’s bedroom?
PAUL [takes off his hat]. About the fourth day from now, melady, if I’m spared the health.
DAISY. Waal, that’s a date. I’ll tell m’auntie to have the room all cleared out.
PAUL. She may clear out the room, melady, but let her not order the material till I first run my dimension-rule over the interior and give her an estimate.
DAISY. I’ll sure tell her so. But, say, if you was in America and talk like that, you’d get fifteen dollars a day easy.
PAUL. I’ve a brother in Chicago—a lath-and-plasterer—making exactly that sum, melady.… But I mustn’t be interrupting the good work.… [Looks about the floor] I thought my spatula was here, but it must be outside. [Goes out back.]
DAISY. Say, ain’t he mannerable?
DEEGAN. He can pass himself very well.
DAISY [takes out the draft]. Ah, here we are.… It’s only for three thousand bucks—about six hundred pounds. You just have a squint, Mr. Deegan, and see if it’s correctly drawn.
DEEGAN [scans it carefully]. It’s drawn on the local bank, Ballybullion.
DAISY. Yeah, the local bank. It’s got a branch in Ballybullion, has it?
DEEGAN. Certainly so.… And, better still, I do business there myself and know the manager intimately.
DAISY. Why, dear Mr. Deegan, you’re a real public benefactor.
DEEGAN [hands her back all papers]. I’m going into the town to-morrow morning, and I’ll give myself the pleasure of driving you to the bank, and if you require my signature, I’ll be at your side.
DAISY. Why, my dear friend! I thank you over and over again, and then some.
DEEGAN [takes off his specs.]. No thanks at all, Miss Mullan. I’m very pleased to be able to oblige you, and more than pleased to see how well you have succeeded abroad. [Draws forward armchair] Take this chair, if you please, till I call my son Daniel.
DAISY [sits down, laughing]. Say, Mr. Deegan, you’re such a professor of human kindness. You might put in a good word for me with your son Dan or some other likely feller in the settlement. I allus said I’d never marry a Yankee, and you bet I’ve kept my word.
DEEGAN. I’m going to recommend you to my son Daniel. This house and ninety-five acres of freehold will be his portion. He’s a good steady boy, free of all vice.
DAISY. Say, Mr. James Deegan, I hope you ain’t joshing me. Mind, I’m plum-serious. Yes, sir, if you can offer me a loose proposition like Dan Deegan, I’m just going to prance right in and grab.… I can put a few thousands into this ranch and make things buzz like a top.
DEEGAN. I’m not a frivolous man, Daisy Mullan. I’m a serious man, and particularly serious in matters affecting my own house and family.
DAISY [sets her hat]. Then you can’t have Den too blamed speedy on the tape for mine. Is he in?
DEEGAN. He should be in this room. [Pausing.] I’ll leave you together after the introduction. You may have to encourage him a little.
DAISY [giggles]. Gee! Am I to do the sparking, am I?
DEEGAN. That will depend on how he behaves. [Opens room door] Are you here, Daniel?
DAN [inside]. Ay, I’m fixing myself.
DEEGAN. You’ll do very well. Come forth. [DAN comes out in an ill-fitting ready-made suit.] Miss Mullan, my son Daniel.
DAISY [leaps up]. Why, my! it’s Den! Not a shaving of differs since we was boy and gel at school. [Grabs his hand.] And how is it, Den? Purt good, I guess, eh?
DAN [smothering]. Oh, fairish, fairish, fairish!
DAISY. And, like myself, Den, you ain’t married yet, are you?
DAN. Not yet—not yet.… Nor no notion o’t. [Backs away.]
DAISY [sits down]. Draw up a chair, Den, and let’s have a gibber about the old schooldays.…
DEEGAN [after a pause]. Come, boy; have you nothing to say for yourself?
DAN. I don’t mind much about my schooldays. I never was many days at the school.
DAISY. Waal, set right down, Den, and I’ll stir up your recollection some.
DEEGAN [brings another chair]. Come forward, boy.
DAN [aside]. God help me now, amen! [Sits down.]
DEEGAN. Now, both of you are aware of what I have in mind. So I want no delays. Making a match is like swopping horses—the less one knows about the other the better.… You have my permission to proceed. [He goes into the room and shuts the door.]
DAISY [making eyes at DAN]. Say, Den, ain’t this dinky? A-setting at our own fireside, like Darby and Joan, ain’t we? [Draws her chair closer.] What a swell picture-postal we’d take—and you with your arm round me—eh?
DAN [bounces up]. The Lord stand between me and the snares of Satan, amen!
DAISY. What’s the trouble, Den?
DAN. I’m a dacent boy. That’s the trouble.
DAISY [rising]. But, my dear Den, we gotta get married, or dad will be so mad.
DAN [retreats, and is followed by DAISY]. That’s nice talk—about marriage—afore you know me five minutes.… Keep back now. Don’t surround me.
DAISY. You ain’t skeert, Den, are you?
DAN. Oh, I can defend myself—if it comes to that!… Keep back.… Don’t swarm in on me. [Moves backwards.]
DAISY [following him]. If you ain’t skeert, why run back aways, like that? Why not halt and talk?
DAN [warding her off]. Don’t crowd me, now! Keep a civil distance off me.… [Moves on.]
DAISY. Now, Denny, you know blamed well you just love your own Daisy. Ain’t it so? Mind, I ain’t a gel to chase a man around.
DAN. Back, back, back! [Picks up the shovel.]
DAISY [halts]. Look ahyar, young man. Are we going to make a contract, yea or nay? Now speak.
DAN. No contracts … no contracts.… I’m not a marrying man.…
DAISY. Then I guess that ends the courtship. Let’s tell dad. [She goes towards the room.]
DAN. Hi, wait a minute! [Scratches his head.] That would be twartin’ him.…
DAISY [comes back]. How now, Denny? Changed your mind, have you?
DAN [feebly]. I dunno what to do.… God help me, amen!
DAISY [taking his arm]. Let’s set down like sensible folks, Denny, and I’ll tell you what to do. [They sit down.] Now, Den, this ain’t no boy-and-gel love-affair. This is a deal. Your dad has seen my papers and they suit him. He needs my money to finish this here house, and you can’t have the dollars without Daisy. [Draws closer.] Now, Den, it’s your move.… Don’t be skeert to offend me.…
DENIS M’GOTHIGAN and ROSE come in back. DENIS is a sturdy little farmer with a full beard.
DENIS. Well, are ye foolin’ another gerril, Dan? Is’t not enough to fool my daughter, without foolin’ the whole naberhood?
DAN [jumps up]. I’m in flames, but this is a judgment! [Stands gazing blankly at DENIS.] Mind, my fader’s in that room, Denis. If he comes out he’ll martyr me.
DENIS. Oh, the sooner he hears what I have to say the better. [Shouts.] I’ve no cows grazed with James Deegan, LL.D. I disregard the ould lan’ grabber or the breed of him.…
OLD DEEGAN comes from the room.
DAN [wringing his hands]. Oh, I wisht the ground would open its mouth and swalley me!
DEEGAN. Small farmers have large voices. Whom are you threatening now, Denis?
DENIS. I’m come to see about this match between your fool son and my daughter. It was noan of my seekin’ nor my makin’. But the job’s done now, and I’ll make him toe the line, or I’ll know for why. He’ll not make a laughin’-stock of my daughter. [Stamps his foot.] I’m damned if he will!
DEEGAN. Have you anything in writing, Denis?
DENIS. No, but I’ve good eye-witness. Paul Twyning seen and heard the engagement.…
PAUL comes in back.
PAUL. Who’s taking Paul’s name in vain? Paul Twyning is a stranger in your midst and doesn’t want his name mixed up in this rural squabble at all.
DAN. That’s right, Paul. Deny everything.
DENIS [hotly to PAUL]. Ye were an eye-witness! Ye were an eye-witness! [Menaces PAUL.] If ye deny it, I’ll smash ye!
PAUL [flies off the handle]. Hell recaive the mongrel in the nine counties of Ulster can put them up to Paul Twyning! [Squares out.] Come on now—the whole three of you! [Knocks the hat off DENIS.] Come on, I say! For three month in this barren country has left me blue-moulding for a fight.…
DEEGAN. Order! I’ll not have my house turned into a Dublin doss-house.
DAN. That’s right, fader. You know the law.
DEEGAN [slaps DAN]. How dare you speak a word, sir! I’ll take the belt to you later.
DAN. God help me, amen. I’m always blamed.
DEEGAN. Denis M’Gothigan, promise or no promise, you have no case. My prodigal son has nothing here but the name.
DENIS. Ho, heth, we’ll see about that! The prodigal can claim for sarvent’s wages.… Oh, by the holy, you’ll not twist Denis.… I’ve a witness and a ring and a conversation-lozenger.…
DAN. It’s a lie!
ROSE. Oh, Dan, Dan!
DENIS. Hand me that lozenger, gerril. [ROSE gives him a big broad sweet.] Wait till the jury hears this. [Reads.]
DAN. It’s a lie. I never had that lozenger in my possession. It was a wee peppermint I give her.…
ROSE. Oh, Dan, Dan!
DAN. Oh, it’s easy for you to “Dan, Dan.” But it’s me’s fighting for my life.
ROSE. And there’s the ring. [Holds up her hand.]
DAN. That’s not my ring at all. It’s Paul Twyning’s ring. He picked it up—or stole it from the pilgrims—at Lisdoonvarna.
PAUL. Dan Deegan, mind what you’re saying, or I’ll clout you one on the ear.
DAN. I mind rightly what I’m saying. I’m in flames, but I mean to clear myself!
DEEGAN. Denis M’Gothigan, the courts are open to you. But I think it my duty to inform you that the defendant is about to emigrate.…
DAN [bursts out crying]. A bad end to you, Paul Twyning!… This is what comes of bad company.… I was a happy boy till I met you.… [Sobs bitterly.]
PAUL. The prayers of the wicked hath no travalley. Dan! You’ve gone the pace and must take the consequences.
ROSE [crying]. Don’t emigrate him, Mr. Deegan. I don’t care about myself … but don’t emigrate Dan.
DENIS [grabs ROSE]. Come on, m’gerrill! I’ll have noan of this whumpering.… I’ll have damages, or rid the country of him. [Leads ROSE out back.]
PAUL. You’ll be another Columcille, Dan. You won’t even get back to Ireland blindfolded.… [Looks about the floor.] Well, begorry, after I searching the whole place, outside and in, there is my spatula! [Picks it up and goes into the room.]
DEEGAN [roars at DAN]. Go and take off your good clothes—you damned prodigal scoundrel, you!
DAN goes into the room blubbering.
DAISY [rising]. I feel downright sorry for you, Mr. Deegan. I do.
DEEGAN. I’m obliged to you, Miss Mullan. But this is not my first trouble of the kind. I had to banish four other sons and two daughters for disobedience, and this lad’s by far the worst of the lot.
DAISY. It’s a plum shame the way your family have treated you. Here you are with a noo house and a large farm, and no one to look after you but a few servants. It’s a downright crime. [The room door is opened cautiously, and DAN is seen to listen.] Why, my dear friend, what you want is a good-hearted young woman to look after you and take an interest in you.
DEEGAN. I wish I had thought of that fifteen years ago.… I’m too old now.
DAISY. Too old! Why, you’re a fresher man than your son Dan. In America a man of your age is dancing and flirting and only beginning to enjoy life.
DEEGAN. It’s good of you to flatter an old man. [Lays his hand on her shoulder] If I had met you ten or twelve years ago, I might have put a certain question to you.
DAISY. If you’d met me ten years ago, you’d have met a comparatively poor gel, for I’ve made all my money in the last decade.… But ain’t it better late than never?
DEEGAN [animated]. Mind what you’re saying, Daisy. My heart is younger than my face.
DAISY. I know fine what I’m saying, Jimes. And I repeat—ain’t it better late than never?
DEEGAN. You would give me a new lease of life, Daisy.
DAISY. I sure would, dear.
DEEGAN. I’m not after your money, Daisy. I would make you an assignment of everything I possess in the world.
DAISY. And I’d take care you wanted for nothing, dear.… I’d have your house and garden the talk of this here settlement.… Out there in front of the door I’d have a double hedge of sweet-pea.…
DEEGAN [drops on one knee and takes her hand]. Daisy, will you marry me…?
DAN [shouts]. Paul, Paul! Quick! The ould man’s down on his knees.… Good God! the man that shook hands with Parnell himself.…
PAUL dashes from the room.
PAUL. Congratulations … congratulations! Is it all settled?
DAISY. Why, sure! He’s asked me to marry him, and my answer is—Yaas!
PAUL. And I have great pleasure in being a witness. [Aside] And ten to one I’ll be called.