MARRYING a woman, after you have kept
her ten years waiting, is like buying a
doll that has stood too long in the showcase.
WHEN a man asks a girl for a kiss, she has
to refuse him, but when he simply takes
it, she has to take it, too.
NOBODY scorns a woman for marrying
money or a title; what they scorn is the
sort of thing she usually marries along
with it.
THE woman whom a man idealizes is the
one who keeps him guessing; who never
lets him see how the wheels go round at
her toilet table nor in her heart and head.
SOME men regard home as nothing but a
"rest cure."
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TAXING bachelors only encourages them;
a man always values anything more, even
freedom, when he has to pay for it.
THERE is a time of the year when a man
will pay thirty dollars for a Panama hat
that makes him look like thirty cents, and
thirty cents for a drink that makes him
feel like a millionaire.
THE knots in the marriage tie which rub a
man the wrong way are the "shalt nots";
those which chafe a woman are the
"ought nots."
THE social swim at present appears to be a
whirlpool, wherein a man gets soaked with
either weak tea or cocktails.
IN a man's opinion a kiss is an end that
justifies any means.
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WHEN a man makes a woman his wife it's
the highest compliment he can pay her—and
usually it's the last.
THE happiest wife is not always the one
who marries the best man, but the one
who makes the best of the man she marries.
"WHO findeth a wife findeth a good
thing," saith the Scriptures. Well,
that's what most men are looking for nowadays.
IT isn't the big vague vows he makes at the
altar which a man finds it so difficult to
keep or to get around, but the little foolish
promises he made before he ever got there.
IT IS as foolish to try to reform a man after
he has lost his front hair as to try to tame a
lion after he has gotten his second teeth.
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IT isn't the things a man says that proves he
loves you, but the things he tries to say and
can't—the things that choke right up in his
throat and leave him sitting dumb and miserable
on your parlor divan.
PHYSICIANS say the heart is an organ;
but by the way some men manage to grind
out the same old love songs over and over
again it would seem to be more like a street
piano.
ONE whiff of an onion will do more to kill
love than the breaking of the ten commandments.
ALL a man demands of a woman is a knowledge
of what she ought not to do, what
she ought not to say and what she ought
not to think. All a woman need know in
order to wear a halo in her husband's eyes
is how to keep it on straight.
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MARRIED men should make the most successful
fiction writers, because it takes a
highly developed imagination to invent a
different story for one's wife every night.
DON'T marry a man merely because he can
write nice long, soul-satisfying letters;
wait until you find out if he can write
equally nice long satisfactory checks.
ONE man's folly is often another man's
wife.
THE woman who makes a man perfectly
happy is the one who cares just enough to
respond when he is interested and not
enough to be interested when he doesn't
respond.
MARRIAGE is like twirling a baton, turning
a handspring or eating with chopsticks;
it looks so easy until you try it.
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A MARRIED woman is always impressionable,
because she has become so used to
a total abstinence from flattery that a compliment
from a man goes to her head like
wine to the head of the teetotaler.
REFINEMENT is what makes a man turn
on his heel and go off to the club instead
of staying at home and having a good, old-fashioned
row with his wife.
THE man who keeps his sentiment bottled
up and his money lying in the bank is so
narrow that he wouldn't take a broad view
of anything, even if he saw it on a bargain
counter at half price.
THE biggest, boldest man that ever lived is
built like a barge, and any little woman
who puffs up steam enough can attach
him to her and tow him all the way up the
river of life.
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A MAN is always able to restrain his jealousy
as long as his wife wears untrimmed
cotton flannel lingerie.
TAKE a spoonful of violet perfume, a pound
or so of lace, a dash of music, and serve
under a summer moon—and almost any
man will call it "love."
A WIFE always feels perfectly safe in going
driving with her husband, because she
knows by sad experience that he will devote
both hands and all his attention to the
horses.
A MAN whom wild horses cannot drag
from the path of duty will sometimes get
so tangled up in a pink ribbon that he will
trip and fall right out of it.
KISSES are love's assets, quarrels its liabilities.
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BEAUTIES of the soul may be very fascinating,
but somehow they aren't the
kind a man looks for when he invites a girl
out to dinner or for a spin in his automobile.
AN OLD maid is an unmarried woman who
has more wrinkles than money. There is
nothing like a halo of gold dollars to keep
a woman attractive to a green old age.
THE things for which there is "the devil to
pay," are the only sort which most men
seem to consider really worth the price.
AS a soul-companion, the main difference
between a bulldog and a husband is that
the dog can't talk—and the husband won't.
A MAN loves a woman first tenderly, then
madly, then dearly, then comfortably,
and last dutifully.
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SOME men are born for marriage, some
achieve marriage; but all of them live in
the deadly fear that marriage is going to
be thrust upon them.
DISTANCE lends enchantment; but too
much distance between husband and
wife is sure to end by one or the other of
them finding another "enchantment."
IN THE mathematics of matrimony two plus
a baby equals a family; two plus a mother-in-law
equals a mob; and two plus an affinity
equals—a divorce.
IT IS something of a shock to the sweet girl
graduate who has spent her youth in digging
up the Latin roots, studying the
Greek forms and acquiring a working
knowledge of French, German and Hebrew,
to discover that the only language
her lover really appreciates is baby talk.
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WHEN a man tells his wife that he is
"sorry" about anything he has done he
doesn't mean that he's sorry he did it, but
that he's sorry she found it out.
FLIRTATION is like a pink tea, harmless
but not exciting; love is like a dinner with
seven kinds of wine, satisfying and exhilarating
but apt to leave you with an uncomfortable
feeling that you ought to have
stayed away from it.
A MAN'S wife is something like his teeth,
in that he seems to be aware of her presence
only when it becomes annoying or
painful.
ONE advantage in being a married man is
that you are not haunted by the harrowing
suspicion that every pretty single woman
you meet may have matrimonial designs
upon you.
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A MAN'S sentiment is like cologne; he always
offers you the cheap kind in large
quantities.
A FEW years with the "George Washington"
type of husband, who goes about
with a hatchet and is too honest to flatter
his wife, must make her long for a nice,
comfortable companion like Ananias.
BEING clever at repartee means being able
to say at the moment the brilliant thing
which you usually don't think of until ten
minutes later.
ANALYZING your love for a woman is like
dissecting a flower; by the time you have
picked it to pieces and found out what it is
composed of, its perfume and beauty are
all gone. Sentimental botanists get about
as much satisfaction out of life as dietetics
out of a good dinner.
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A SUMMER resort is a place where a man
will resort to anything from croquet to
cocktails for amusement and where a girl
will resort to anything from a half-grown
boy to an aged paralytic for an escort.
WHEN a man becomes a confirmed old
bachelor it is not because he has never
met the one woman he could live with, but
because he has never met the one woman
he couldn't live without.
MANY a man who promises before marriage
to lift every care off a girl's shoulders
won't even begin by lifting the ice off
the dumb-waiter after marriage.
ONE comfort in being a woman is that you
have the right to cry; when a man sheds
tears the poor thing always looks and feels
as if he had been guilty of an immodest exposure
of the soul.
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DON'T fancy a man is serious merely because
he treats you to French dinners and
talks sentiment; wait until he begins to
take you to cheap tables d'hôte and talks
economy.
A MAN likes a wife who appeals to his
lighter side, but the average man has so
many lighter sides that no one woman
could appeal to them all; and even if she
could there is always his darker side and a
peroxide blonde waiting around to appeal
to it.
A WOMAN'S idea in marrying a man is that
she may save his soul; his idea in marrying
her is that she may save his socks and
his digestion.
PEOPLE who marry "for a joke" certainly
must be blessed with an awfully keen
sense of humor.
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THE girl whose hair is a little too gold,
whose chin is a little too pink and whose
laugh is a little too gay, apparently doesn't
realize that even a siren couldn't attract a
man if she sang too loud.
THE "measure of a man" can usually be
taken in half an hour's acquaintance, but
the true measure of a woman is something
that is known only to her husband and her
dressmaker.
"THE worst of certainty is better than the
best of doubt," says the proverb; but
when it comes to man's love for a woman
the worst of uncertainty is better for it
than the best of security.
A MAN'S past is written on a slate which
can be washed clean at will, but a
woman's is written in indelible ink in Mrs.
Grundy's reference book.
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MANY a woman who cannot be bought
with any amount of gold can be won with
just a little amount of brass.
IF MEN were absolutely certain that angels
wear the sort of Mother Hubbard draperies
in which they are usually painted instead
of French corsets and sheath skirts, not
one of them would bother about trying to
get to heaven.
THE poet who sang of "woman's infinite
variety" must at some time have been the
only young man at a summer hotel.
THE man who lets the tailor pad his shoulders
is very contemptuous of the woman
who lets the dressmaker pad her skirts.
NOWADAYS love is a matter of chance,
matrimony a matter of money and divorce
a matter of course.
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SOME men are so material that a beautiful
sunset would remind them of nothing but
Neapolitan ice cream, and a flock of sheep
on a green hillside would suggest nothing
more inspiring than lamb with mint sauce.
IN ancient times one drink of Lethe water
made a man lose his memory and forget
even his name. Oh, well, one drink will
do that nowadays—but it isn't Lethe and
it isn't water.
"JOY cometh in the morning"—but more
often to the widow in second mourning.
EVERYBODY has adopted modern improvements
and new methods nowadays
except the stork, and he goes right along
carrying on business in the same old way.
No wonder he has lost so much of his
fashionable trade to the up-to-date dog
fancier.
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A PRETTY girl in a peek-a-boo waist and a
Merry Widow hat on her way downtown
can sometimes create more excitement in
the business district than a Wall Street
panic or a fire.
BEFORE marriage it fills a man with tenderness
to have a girl slip her hand confidingly
into his coat pocket; but after
marriage somehow it fills him only with
distrust.
IT is one of the mockeries of matrimony that
the moment two people begin to be awfully
courteous to one another round the house
it is a sign they are awfully mad.
A MAN'S idea of being perfectly noble and
honest with a woman is to be able to
make her think he loves her without indulging
in any incriminating statements
to that effect.
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MOST women appear to think that "'tis
better to have been loved and bossed"
than never to have been married at all.
DISAGREEABLE habits, like disagreeable
husbands and wives, are so much
easier to acquire than the other kind and
so much harder to get rid of.
A WIFE'S indignation at the women who
flirt with her husband is often tempered
by her pity and astonishment that they
should be so hard up as to waste time on
a man like him.
THE average husband has an idea that
economy should begin at home—and end
at the corner café.
MANY a wife would be glad to exchange
places with her cook on that lady's salary
days and her evenings off.
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A MAN'S idea of showing real consideration
for his wife is to make sure that she
won't find out what he is doing before he
does anything that she would disapprove
of.
THE first child makes a man proud, the
second makes him happy, the third makes
him hustle, and the fourth makes him
desperate.
WHEN a man declares that making love
to a particular woman "wouldn't be
right," he really means that it wouldn't be
safe; but he is too polite to say that.
IN tragic moments we think of trifles; no
doubt a girl who is being run down by an
automobile stops to thank heaven that
there are no holes in her stockings and a
man that there are no incriminating letters
in his pockets.
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A MONTH of poker parties and summer
girls can make a married man as anxious
to get his wife back home again as a diet
of champagne and ice cream would make
him for a square meal of roast beef and
baked potatoes.
BETWEEN lovers a little confession is a
dangerous thing.
CALL a woman weak-minded and a man
will wonder if you aren't jealous of her;
but call her strong-minded and he will
take your word without stopping to investigate.
THE wife who insists on being useful instead
of concentrating on being beautiful
and amusing will soon find herself relegated
to the shelf like a medicine bottle,
instead of being kept near at hand like a
wine bottle.
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THAT sad, patient smile one sees on the
face of a married woman may not come so
much from heart-hunger as from a daily
effort to listen to her husband's latest joke
at the same time that she pacifies the cook,
soothes the baby and looks for his lost collar
button.
HOPE springs eternal in the feminine
breast as long as a woman has ambition
enough to continue to curl her hair, and
in the masculine breast as long as a man
has self-respect enough to keep on shaving
his chin.
THE things a man wants in a sweetheart
are no more like those he wants in a wife
than the things he wants for breakfast are
like those he wants for dinner; yet he
never seems to despair of warming over
the light menu and making it do for a
regular diet.
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WHY is a woman always so jealous of her
husband's stenographer when his real
affinity is just as likely to be somebody
else's stenographer?
IT IS not a man's morals but the manners
that make him comfortable or otherwise to
live with. A burglar or an embezzler can
make his wife fairly happy if he will be
prompt to dinner, agreeable at breakfast
and will put up the portieres with a pleasant
smile.
NOTHING makes a woman so green with
envy and mortification as her husband's
ability to turn over and snore five minutes
after they have had an exciting quarrel.
OLD love, like old lamps, is apt to burn
low and fitfully; it takes a new heart interest
now and then to keep up the glow
of life.
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THE balance of power in the family usually
goes to the husband or wife who has the
largest balance in the bank.
AMONG a man's sweethearts the first shall
never be last, and the last can always be
sure that she isn't the first.
THE larger a man's girth the more expensive
his flirtations; nothing but orchids
and grand opera tickets can make a girl
forget real embonpoint long enough to be
sentimental.
MEN don't talk about one another as
women do—perhaps because they find
it so much more interesting to talk about
themselves.
A FRANK husband and a kodak fiend teach
a woman that truth is indeed stranger and
more terrible than fiction.
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ONE touch of highball makes the whole
world spin.
A MAN'S sense of honor is so peculiar that
it gets out of working condition the minute
he comes near a pretty woman.
THE man who kisses a woman at the first
opportunity is either a fool or a cad; the
man who waits for the second opportunity
is a philosopher; the man who waits for
the third opportunity is a speculator; and
the man who waits any longer is—a freak.
THE girl who has entertained her fiancé
every evening for a three years' engagement
may console herself with the hope
that she won't be liable to see so much of
him after marriage.
'TIS best for a man to be square, but a
woman is more lucky to be round.
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WHEN a man has waked up the whole
family and half the neighborhood flinging
empty beer bottles at a cat on the back
fence he feels so refreshed that he can go
right back to sleep and snore straight
through a fire or a thunderstorm.
IN the face of a man's childlike vanity it is so
difficult for a girl to decide to be ready
when he arrives and thereby look as
though she had been waiting for him, or
to keep him waiting and look as though
she had been primping for him.
A MAN will tell his troubles first to his God,
next to his lawyer, then to his valet, and
lastly—to his wife.
A LITTLE "absent treatment" now and
then is the best tonic for conjugal love;
an ounce of summer vacation is worth a
pound of divorce.
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IT may cause a man sincere regret to get into
a foolish flirtation, but the only thing that
causes him real downright repentance is
not to be able to get out of it.
TO fascinate an intelligent man pretend to
be silly; to attract a good man pretend to
be naughty; to win a fool pretend to be
clever; and to charm the devil pretend to
be a saint.
A GIRL loves to spell her soul out on paper,
but a man can't see the use of writing a
love-letter when he can compress his
whole passion into one paragraph on a post
card.
IT is a sad fact that two people who go into
matrimony with the noble idea of sharing
one another's joys and ambitions so often
end by sharing nothing but one another's
towels and brushes and grouches.
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A MODERN love affair is something like
English plum pudding: it contains very
little spice and sweetness and is mostly a
matter of "dough."
A FLIRT and his conscience are soon
parted.
A MAN'S idea of constancy is being perfectly
devoted to some woman who is
either dead or too indifferent to demand
anything of him.
THE whole art of winning at either cards or
love consists in keeping a level head and
not taking the game seriously; but, alas—when
a man is playing for money and a
woman for matrimony they are bound to
take it seriously.
WHEN mothers-in-law come in at the door
love flies out at the window.
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A CLEVER woman can sometimes make a
fool of a man, but it takes a fluffy little
thing with a baby face and no brains or
morals to speak of to make him make a
fool of himself.
FAINT praise ne'er won fair lady.
GOING through life without love is like going
through a good dinner without an
appetite—everything seems so flat and
tasteless.
IT is most provoking to a woman who is winning
in a quarrel to have a man suddenly
turn round and take the argument right
out of her mouth—with a kiss.
WHERE do all of the lost hearts go?
Well, most of the masculine ones go
"down where the Wurzburger flows."
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THE hardest problem of a girl's life is to
find out why a man seems bored if she
doesn't respond to him and frightened if
she does.
MENTAL science never cured a man of
love-sickness, because in the average
man's love mentality plays so small a
part.
A MARRIED woman has an awfully small
chance of learning anything about her
husband's English vocabulary, for the
simple reason that he never addresses her
except in baby talk or swear words.
A $30-A-WEEK clerk always feels it incumbent
to take a girl to the theatre in
a taxicab. It requires a bona-fide millionaire
to drag her about in a five-cent
street car with perfect éclat and no apologies.
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WHETHER a girl looks indignant or
happy after you have kissed her depends
a great deal on how long she has been
waiting for you to get up the courage to do
it.
TURNED-DOWN lovers tell no tales.
WHEN a woman says "There are no secrets
between my husband and me," it
is a sure sign that she hasn't found out any
of his.
THERE are dozens of systems for winning
at roulette, but the only system for winning
at love is systematic flattery.
LOVE in a cottage doesn't seem so appalling
when you come to consider that there
is such a thing as matrimony in a modern
flat.
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NO MAN is a really artistic lover who hasn't
enough dramatic instinct to forget all
other women while he is making love to
one.
IF it weren't for the tiresome wedding journey
and the monotonous honeymoon, bridal
couples could begin being happy right
away.
EVEN though the dulcet iciness in her
voice ought to be more effective than a
shriek of warning, a man will go right on
telling his stout, blondeblonde wife that she ought
to dress like the slim brunette next door.
THERE is something about a wife's tears
that washes all the color and starch out of
a man's love.
WHEN married people can't come to
terms marriage should come to a termination.
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THE longest way round matrimony is the
shortest way to happiness.
THE reason a man is so often tempted is
because most of the time that is what he
is sitting around waiting for.
FROM the stony silence into which the average
husband sinks after the honeymoon
there must be something almost unspeakable
about matrimony.
A WOMAN looks upon her first kiss as a
consecration; a man regards it as a desecration.
TIME and tide wait for no man, but the untied
woman has to wait for any man who
chooses to keep her waiting.
IN fashionable circles one wife and a dog
constitute a "family."
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IT MAY be very noble of a man to have no
secrets from the woman he loves, but it's
rather hard on all the other women he has
gotten over loving.
A MAN who can marry the right girl and
won't marry her somehow always ends
by being made to marry the wrong one.
MANY a good husband hasn't the nerve or
the courage to be anything else.
WIDOWS have all the honors without any
of the trials of matrimony; a live husband
is sometimes a necessity, but a dead
one is a real luxury.
MANY a man's idea of a wife is something
decorative to be kept around the house
and only taken out on show occasions like
the jewels in his safe and the horses in his
racing stable.
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IN olden times sacrifices were made at the
altar—a custom which is still continued.
OF course every woman knows that the
man she loves is a "brute"—but unfortunately
that is one of the reasons why she
loves him.
THE kind of woman who holds a man's devotion
forever is like a silky, self-satisfied
Angora cat who takes her petting as a matter
of course, never returns it, and never
gets on his nerve by asking for more.
IT isn't so much a man's sins and failings,
but the air of conscious pride with which
he accepts her comments on them that a
woman can't forgive.
THAT will be a great novel in which the
author can make the man who owns the
machine as fascinating as the chauffeur.
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EVERY man honestly believes that franchise
in the hands of a woman is like a
loaded gun in the hands of a small boy—utterly
useless and sure to do damage to
somebody.
WAD some power the giftie gie us to see
ourselves as men's mothers see us—but
it wouldn't make us happy.
ONE reason why a dainty little thing like
a woman wastes her love on man-creature
with a rough chin, stubbly hair and a
smell of tobacco about his clothes is that
he is the only thing in that line.
A MAN will forgive a woman for almost
any indiscretion sooner than for leaving
her hair in the comb and for breaking the
Ten Commandments sooner than for leaving
her hot curling tongs where his fingers
can get on them.
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THE man who tries to mix his women
friends has about the same unfortunate results
as the man who tries to mix his
drinks.
'TIS better to have kissed and paid the cost
than never to have kissed at all.
THE word "court," whether it refers to the
way her husband won her or the place
where he lost her, always has a pleasant
sound to a grass widow.
IF a woman could veil her thoughts and feelings
as effectively as she veils her face she
would be so fascinating that no man could
resist her.
WHEN it comes to love-making men are
so unoriginal, that a sage, a fool and a
"lovers' letter-writer" all sound exactly
alike.
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HUSBANDS are
like Christmas
gifts: you can't choose
them; you've just got
to sit down and wait
until they arrive and
then appear perfectly
delighted with what
you get.
|
THE only way to
be happy with
a husband is to
learn to be happy
without him most of
the time.
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Transcriber's Notes:
Obvious punctuation errors repaired.
Book title was added to top of text so that it did not begin only with the quotes printed on the inside covers.
The remaining corrections made are indicated by dotted lines under the corrections. Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will appear.