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Scotch Wit and Humor

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The volume gathers a wide assortment of short anecdotes, jokes, and brief sketches that showcase the wry intelligence and practical shrewdness often attributed to Scots. Items range from comic exchanges in church and court to domestic quips, clever retorts, and ironical observations on thrift, religion, and local customs. Entries are concise, varied in tone from dry to boisterous, and organized as self-contained vignettes that highlight verbal play, situational humor, and the interplay between earnestness and slyness in everyday life.

The Project Gutenberg eBook of Scotch Wit and Humor

This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

Title: Scotch Wit and Humor

Author: W. H. Howe

Release date: December 29, 2012 [eBook #41732]
Most recently updated: October 23, 2024

Language: English

Credits: E-text prepared by Margo Romberg, sp1nd, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made available by Internet Archive (http://archive.org)

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SCOTCH WIT AND HUMOR ***

The Project Gutenberg eBook, Scotch Wit and Humor, by W. H. (Walter Henry) Howe

 

 

Note: Images of the original pages are available through Internet Archive. See http://archive.org/details/scotchwithumorcl00howe

 


 

 

 


 

 


 

 


 

Scotch Wit and Humor

 

CLASSIFIED UNDER APPROPRIATE SUBJECT HEADINGS,
WITH, IN MANY CASES,
A REFERENCE TO A TABLE OF AUTHORS

 

PHILADELPHIA
GEORGE W. JACOBS & CO.
103-105 S. Fifteenth Street

 

Copyright, 1898, by
George W. Jacobs & Co.

 


 

Scotch Wit and Humor is a fairly representative collection of the type of wit and humor which is at home north of the Tweed—and almost everywhere else—for are not Scotchmen to be found everywhere? To say that wit and humor is not a native of Scotch human nature is to share the responsibility for an inaccuracy the author of which must have been as unobservant as those who repeat it. It is quite true that the humor is not always or generally on the surface—what treasure is?—and it may be true, too, that the thrifty habits of our northern friends, combined with the earnestness produced by their religious history, have brought to the surface the seriousness—amounting sometimes almost to heaviness—which is their most apparent characteristic. But under the surface will be found a rich vein of generosity, and a fund of humor, which soon cure a stranger—if he has eyes to see and is capable of appreciation—of the common error of supposing that Scotchmen are either stingy or stupid.

True, there may be the absence of the brilliancy which characterizes much of the English wit and humor, and of the inexpressible quality which is contained in Hibernian fun; but for point of neatness one may look far before discovering anything to surpass the shrewdness and playfulness to be found in the Scotch race. In fact, if Scotland had no wit and humor she would have been incapable of furnishing a man who employed such methods in construction as were introduced by the engineer of the Forth Bridge.

W. H. HOWE.


Page
A Badly Arranged Prayer108
A Beadle Magnifying his Office26
A Board-School Examiner Floored143
A Bookseller's Knowledge of Books181
"A Call to a Wider Sphere"99
A Canny Witness112
A Case in which Comparisons were Odious76
A Castle Stor(e)y119
A Churl Congratulated165
A Clever "Turn"161
A Comfortable Preacher111
A Compensation Balance180
A Compliment by Return68
A Conditional Promise87
A Consistent Seceder159
A Consoling "If"43
A Critic on His Own Criticism124
"A Cross-examiner Answered"13
A Crushing Argument against MS Sermons176
A Curiously Unfortunate Coincidence in Psalm Singing164
A Cute Gaoler212
A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account88
A Definition of Baptism129
A Definition of "Fou"59
A Descendant of the Stuarts105
A Descriptive Hymn195
A Different Thing Entirely67
A Discerning Fool199
A Drunkard's Thoughts125
A Dry Preacher120
A False Deal125
A Family Likeness30
A Fruitful Field176
A Good Judge of Accent38
A Grammatical Beggar120
A "Grand" Piano147
A "Grave" Hint173
A Harmless Joke106
A Highland Chief and His Doctor170
A Highland Servant Girl and the Kitchen Bell97
A Highland Outburst of Gratitude and an Inburst of Hurricane66
A Highlander on Bagpipes56
A Keen Reproof134
A "Kippered" Divine105
A Law of Nature199
A Leader's Description of His Followers190
A Lecture on Baldness—Curious Results46
A Lesson in Manners202
A Lesson to the Marquis of Lorne15
A Lofty "Style"126
A Lunatic's Advice to Money-Lenders129
A Magnanimous Cobbler202
A Marriage not made in Heaven210
A Matter-of-fact Death Scene172
A Minor Major88
A Misdeal103
A Miserly Professor46
A Modern Dumb Devil (D.D.)164
A Mother's Confidence in Her Son113
A Nest-egg Noo14
A New and Original Scene in "Othello"178
A New Application of "The Argument from Design"174
A New Explanation of an Extra Charge94
A New Story Book—at the Time150
A Night in a Coal Cellar211
A Paradox200
A Patient Lady140
A Piper's Opinion of a Lord—and Himself163
A Poacher's Prayer205
A Poem for the Future108
A Poetical Question and Answer121
A Poor Place for a Cadger149
A Powerful Preacher79
A Practical View of Matrimony207
A Preacher with His Back Towards Heaven175
A Process of Exhaustion167
A Ready Student73
"A Reduction on a Series"151
A Reproof Cleverly Diverted32
A Restful Preacher139
A Sad Drinking Bout209
A Sad Loss201
A Satisfactory Explanation119
A Saving Clause156
A Scathing Scottish Preacher in Finsbury Park155
A Scotch Curtain Lecture on Profit and Pain59
A Scotch Fair Proclamation of Olden Days153
A Scotch Matrimonial Jubilee125
A Scotch "Native"98
A Scotch "Squire"33
A Scotch "Supply"109
A Scotch Version of the Lives of Esau and Jacob62
A Scotch View of Shakespeare58
A Sensible Lass200
A Sensible Servant202
A Serious Dog—and for a Serious Reason161
A Sexton's Criticism183
A Shrewd Reply83
"A Sign of Grace,"103
A Spiritual Barometer174
A Stranger in the Court of Session198
A Successful Tradesman61
A Sympathetic Hearer87
A Teetotal Preacher Asks for "A Glass"—and Gets It107
A Test of Literary Appreciation207
A Thoughtless Wish167
A Thrifty Proposal123
A Typical Quarrel71
A Variety Entertainment194
A Vigorous Translation195
A Whole-witted Sermon from a Half-witted Preacher135
A Widow's Promise117
A Wife's Protection100
A "Wigging"204
Absence of Humor—Illustrated146
Absent in Mind, and Body too208
Acts of Parliament "Exhausted"173
Advice on Nursing124
Advice to an M.P.68
"After you, Leddies"207
"'Alice' Brown, the Jaud"56
An Affectionate Aunt199
An Angry Preacher111
An Author and His Printer134
An Earl's Pride and Parsimony127
An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory92
An Epitaph to Order194
An "Exceptional Prayer"118
An Extra Shilling to Avoid a Calamity206
An Idiot's Views of Insanity113
An Instance of Scott's Pleasantry36
An Observant Husband29
An Open Question102
An Out-of-the-way Reproof119
"Another Opportunity"211
Appearing "in Three Pieces"73
"As Guid Deid as Leevin"58
At the End of His Tether123
Bad Arithmeticians Often Good Bookkeeper131
"Before the Provost"195
Beginning Life where he ought to have Ended, and Vice Versa86
Better than a Countess114
"Bock Again!"—A Prompt Answer104
Bolder than Charles the Bold137
Born Too Late175
Both Short193
Broader Than He Was Long205
"Brothers" in Law29
"Bulls" in Scotland29
Canny Dogs68
Capital Punishment35
"Capital Punishment"—Modified90
Caring for Their Minister19
Catechising201
Church Economy60
Church Popularity197
Choosing a Minister77
Compensation84
Compulsory Education and a Father's Remedy34
Concentrated Caution173
"Consecrated" Ground75
Consoled by a Relative's Lameness41
Curious Delusion Concerning Light41
Curious Idea of the Evidence for Truth37
Curious Misunderstanding131
Curious Pulpit Notice141
Curious Sentence42, 68
Curious Use of a Word91
Dead Shot34
Deathbed Humor172
Definition of Metaphysics131
Degrees of Capacity95
Denominational Graves196
Depression—Delight—Despair126
"Discretion—the Better Part of Valor"51
Disqualified to be a Country Preacher122
Distributing His Praises with Discernment22
Disturbed Devotions110
Domestics in By-gone Days102
Double Meanings17
Drawing an Inference182
Drinking by Candle-light121
Driving the Deevil Oot70
Droll Solemnity93
Drunken Wit117
Dry Weather, and Its Effect on the Ocean37
Earning His Dismissal57
"Eating Among the Brutes"110
"Effectual Calling"142
Either Too Fast or Too Slow97
English versus Scotch Sheep's Heads33
Entrance Free, and "Everything Found"161
Escaping Punishment196
"Every Man to His Own Trade"73
Extraordinary Absence of Mind104
"Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady"63
Faring Alike102
Fetching His "Character"96
Finding Work for His Class, While He Dined91
Fool Finding75
Forcing a Judge to Obey the Law132
"Fou—Aince"181
Fowls and Ducks!84
From Different Points of View74
From Pugilism to Pulpit158
"Gathering Up the Fragments"169
Ginger Ale87
Giving Them the Length of His Tongue166
Going to Ramoth Gilead182
Going to the Doctor's and "Taking" Something76
Good Enough to Give Away120
Good "for Nothing"—Not the Goodness Worth Having78
"Grace" With No Meat After142
Gratifying Industry!203
Grim Humor122
Ham and Cheese150
Happy Escape from an Angry Mob43
"Haste" and "Leisure"111
"Haudin' His Stick"38
"Having the Advantage"166
"Hearers Only—Not Doers"88
Heaven Before it Was Wanted41
Helping Business48
Highland Happiness18
Highland Simplicity85
Highland Warldliness200
His Own, with "Interest"193
His Word and His Bond Equally Binding131
Holding a Candle to the Sun124
Honest Johnny M'Cree40
How Greyhounds are Produced203
How to Exterminate Old Thieves86
How to Treat a Surplus89
Husband! Husband! Cease Your Strife!154
Hume Canonized160
Inconsistencies of "God's People"151
Indiscriminate Humor39
Ingenious Remedy for Ignorance200
"Invisible and Incomprehensible"96
It Takes Two to Fight190
It's a Gran' Nicht55
"Kaming" Her Ain Head171
Keeping His Threat—at His Own Expense145
"Knowledge—It Shall Vanish Away"106
Knox and Claverhouse153
Landseer's Deadly Influence89
Laughing in the Pulpit—With Explanation37
"Law" Set Aside by "Gospel"106
Leaving the Lawyers a Margin129
Less Sense Than a Sheep41
Lessons in Theology15
"Lichts Oot!"107
Light Through a Crack14
Lights and Livers193
Living With His Uncle165
Looking After Himself193
Looking Before Leaping107
Lord Clancarty and the Roman Catholic Chaplain113
Lord Cockburn Confounded201
Lord Mansfield and a Scotch Barrister on Pronunciation114
Losing His Senses51
Lost Dogs80
"Lost Labor"149
"Making Hay While the Sun Shines"112
Mallet, Plane, and Sermon—All Wooden23
Marriages which are Made in Heaven—How Revealed115
"Married!"—not "Living"79
Matrimony a Cure for Blindness93
Matter More than Manner90
Maunderings by a Scotchman184
Meanness versus Crustiness192
Mending Matters95
Mental Aberration70
Minding His Business79
Modern Improvements152
More Polite than Some Smokers100
More Witty Than True136
Mortal Humor176
Mortifying Unanimity43
Motive for Church Going142
Multum in Parvo62
National Thrift Exemplified94
Nearer the Bottom than the Top175
New Style of Riding in a Funeral Procession145
New Use for a "Cosy"95
"No Better than Pharaoh"143
"No Compliments"202
No End to His Wit129
"No Lord's Day!"34
"No Road This Way!"159
No Wonder!27
Not all Profit89
Not at Home101
Not "in Chains"163
Not Necessarily Out of His Depth98
Not One of "The Establishment"143
Not Qualified to Baptize213
Not Quite an Ass212
Not Surprised210
Not Up to Sample116
Not Used to It141
"Nothing," and How to See It133
Objecting to Long Sermons161
Objecting to "Regeneration"30
Objecting to Scotch "Tarmes"140
Official Consolation and Callousness139
"Old Bags"107
"Old Clo'"197
One "Always Right," the Other "Never Wrong"14
One Scotchman Outwitted by Another214
One Side of Scotch Humor82
"Oo"—with Variations116
Ornithology207
Paris and Peebles Contrasted57
Passing Remarks197
Patriotism and Economy154
Peter Peebles' Prejudice33
Pie, or Patience?89
"Plain Scotch"19
Plain Speaking93
Playing at Ghosts157
Pleasant Prospect Beyond the Grave138
"Plucked!"36
Popularity Tested by the Collection118
Practical Piety172
Practical Thrift75
"Prayer, with Thanksgiving"206
Praying for Wind109
Pretending to Make a Will133
Prince Albert and the Ship's Cook77
Prison Piety61
Prof Aytoun's Courtship209
Prophesying130
Providing a Mouthful for the Cow149
Pulpit Aids76
Pulpit Eloquence183
Pulpit Familiarity165
Pulpit Foolery138
"Purpose," not "Performance," Heaven's Standard147
Putting off a Duel and Avoiding a Quarrel206
Quaint Old Edinburgh Ministers215
Qualifications for a Chief26
Question and Answer127
Quid Pro Quo34
Radically Rude168
Reasons For and Against Organs in Kirk31
"Reflections"28
Refusing Information85
Relieving His Wife's Anxiety168
Religious Loneliness61
Remarkable Presence of Mind86
Remembering Each Other115
Reproving a Miser83
"Rippets" and Humility170
Rival Anatomists in Edinburgh University49
Rivalry in Prayer179
Robbing on Credit75, 127
Rustic Notion of the Resurrection128
Sabbath Breaking85
Sabbath Zeal123
"Saddling the Ass"102
Salmon or Sermon104
Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff120
Sandy Wood's Proposal of Marriage49
Satisfactory Security114
Scoring a Point13
Scotch Caution versus Suretiship105
Scotch "Fashion"18
Scotch Ingenuity137
Scotch Literalness98
Scotch "Paddy"35
Scotch Provincialism100
Scotch Undergraduates and Funerals39
Scotchmen Everywhere180
Scottish Negativeness96
Scottish Patriotism147
Scottish Vision and Cockney Chaff197
Scripture Examination87
Sectarian Resemblances166
Seeking, Not Help, but Information—and Getting It34
Sending Him to Sleep152
Shakespeare—Nowhere!159
Sharpening His Teeth92
Sheridan's Pauses208
"Short Commons"137
Short Measure57
Significant Advice204
Silencing English Insolence48
Simplicity of a Collier's Wife108
Sleepy Churchgoers170
Speaking Figuratively112
Speaking from "Notes"74
Speeding the Parting Guest192
Spiking an Old Gun156
Spinning It Out100
Splendid Use for Bagpipes171
Square-Headed84
Strange Reason for Not Increasing a Minister's Stipend183
Strangers—"Unawares"—Not Always Angels28
Stratagem of a Scotch Pedlar80
Steeple or People?159
Stretching It69
Sunday Drinking181
Sunday Shaving and Milking70
Sunday Thoughts on Recreation167
"Surely the Net is Spread in Vain in the Sight of Any Bird"64
Taking a Light Supper128
"Terms—'Cash Down'"132
"The" and "The Other"197
The Best Crap210
The Best Time to Quarrel146
The Book Worms148
The Chieftain and the Cabby88
The End Justifying the Means45
The Fall of Adam and Its Consequences85
The Fly-fisher and the Highland Lassie101
The Force of Habit204
The Highlander and the Angels82
The Horse that Kept His Promise146
The Importance of Quantity in Scholarship35
The Journeyman Dog60
The Kirk of Lamington149
The Man at the Wheel156
The Mercy of Providence59
The "Minister's Man"177
The Parson and His "Thirdly"136
The Philosophy of Battle and Victory154
The Prophet's Chamber160
The Queen's Daughters—or "Appearances were Against Them"116
The "Sawbeth" at a Country Inn180
The Scotch Mason and the Angel135
The Speech of a Cannibal162
The Scottish Credit System35
The Selkirk Grace151
The Shape of the Earth178
The Shoemaker and Small Feet137
The Same with a Difference139
"The Spigot's Oot"193
The "Tables" of "the Law"110
The Value of a Laugh in Sickness92
"The Weaker Vessel"79
"There Maun Be Some Faut"172
"Things which Accompany Salvation"192
"Though Lost to Sight—to Memory Dear"153
Three Sisters All One Age19
Tired of Standing61
"To Memory 'Dear'"78
Too Canny to Admit Anything Particular42
Too Much Light—and Too Little31
Touching Each Other's Limitations165
True (perhaps) of Other Places than Dundee133
Trying One Grave First90
Trying to Shift the Job94
Turning His Father's Weakness to Account36
"Two Blacks Don't Make a White"158
Two Good Memories83
Two Methods of Getting a Dog Out of Church174
Two Questions on the Fall of Man162
Two Views of a Divine Call58
Two Ways of Mending Ways160
Unanswerable75
"Uncertainty of Life," from Two Good Points of View148
"Unco' Modest"30
Unusual for a Scotchman134
"Ursa Major"207
Using Their Senses24
Vanity Scathingly Reproved203
"Verra Weel Pitched"118
Virtuous Necessity27
Was He a Liberal or a Tory?123
Walloping Judas56
Watty Dunlop's Sympathy for Orphans18
Wersh Parritch and Wersh Kisses198
"What's the Lawin', Lass?"190
When Asses may not be Parsons62
Why Israel made a Golden Calf92
Why Janet Slept During Her Pastor's Sermon99
Why Not?133
Why Saul Threw a Javelin at David182
Why the Bishops Disliked the Bible139
Will any Gentleman Oblige "a Lady"?150
Winning the Race Instead of the Battle207
Wiser than Solomon152
"Wishes Never Filled the Bag"141
Wit and Humor Under Difficulties198