Social Life; or, The Manners and Customs of Polite Society

The invitations should be sent out a week or five days in advance, and should be answered at once.

Luncheons, in this country, are very apt to possess much of the formality of a dinner, and are written or engraved, according to the degree of stateliness that is to mark the occasion. Very formal invitations are sent out ten days or two weeks in advance, and are couched in precisely the same terms as a dinner invitation, save that the word "Luncheon" is substituted for "Dinner." Written invitations, also, follow the same plan as those written for dinners, and are not usually issued more than a week or five days in advance. Some ladies use their visiting card, thus: Mrs. Frank E. Wentworth. Luncheon, Wednesday, at one o'clock.

A later hour, say two o'clock, is usually adopted for a more formal affair. Replies should be sent at once that the hostess may be enabled to make up her table.

Teas and “Kettledrums.”

Teas and "Kettledrums," High Tea and Afternoon Receptions, have come to bear a strong resemblance one to another, in fact to infringe so much upon the same territory that it is very difficult at times to distinguish between them sufficiently to apply the appropriate name. A simple affair is announced thus by those ladies who have a regular reception day: Mrs. John St. John. Thursdays. Tea at five o'clock. 40 West 49th Street.

Or: Mrs. John St. John. Five o'clock tea. Thursday, February fifth. 40 West 49th Street.

The words "kettledrum" or "afternoon tea" are not to be used, and these cards may be sent by mail, enclosed in a single envelope. They require no answer. Where the lady has not a regular reception day and wishes to give an afternoon tea, an engraved card, like the following, is usually sent out: Mrs. Arthur Merrill. Miss Merrill. Monday, February third, from four to seven o'clock. 274 Chestnut Street.

In case of the hostess having no one to receive with her, her name would appear alone upon the card. The name of any friend may take the place of a daughter's. Such an entertainment partakes more of the nature of an afternoon reception, or high tea. It may be adapted also to other occasions, such as the introduction to one's friends of a guest who is to make a prolonged stay, as for instance: Mrs. Arthur Merrill, At Home, Monday, December seventh, from one until seven o'clock. To meet Mrs. Frances Elmer. 55 Vine Street.

Invitations like this and the one just above are to be enclosed in two envelopes, same as for dinners and sent out ten days or two weeks in advance.

Kaffee Klatsch.

This furnishes very much the same class of entertainment that is to be found at an afternoon tea, save that coffee is the predominating beverage. The invitation is precisely the same as for teas, simply substituting the words "Kaffee Klatsch."

Suppers.

For the evening supper, invitations are issued in some one of the forms presented for dinner parties, substituting the word "Supper." Answers should be returned at once.

Coming-out Parties.

These special festivities may take almost any form, so that the presentation of the blushing débutante may be at a dinner, ball, reception, evening party or afternoon tea; which latter custom has become very frequent of late. So much is this the case that it is somewhat to be reprehended as rendering afternoon teas too ceremonious in character. There is this in its favor, however; it relieves young girls from the strain incident upon a large party or ball. In some cases, the invitations preserve their usual form (whatever that may be) and the card of the débutante is enclosed in the same envelope. Even this distinction is sometimes wanting. Again, in the case of "At Homes" and "Teas," the name of the young lady is engraved beneath that of her mother; if it is the eldest daughter, the form would be: Mrs. Arthur Holt. Miss Holt.

A younger daughter, under the same circumstances, would pose as: Miss Edith May Holt.

Such cards do not need a reply, but the guest will remember to leave cards in the hall for the débutante as well as her mother or chaperon. It may be said here that, should it for any reason occur that the young lady is "brought out" under the wing of some friend instead of under her mother's care, the relative position their names will occupy on the cards is precisely the same, as: Mrs. D.G. Haviland. Miss Holt.

A more formal presentation would be in the style of an engraved note sheet:

Mrs. Arthur Holt
Requests the pleasure of introducing her daughter,
Edith May,
To
M^r and M^rs Ross Clark,
On Thursday evening, December fifth,
At nine o'clock.
28 St. Caroline's Court.
R.S.V.P.

This invitation, of course, implies a large evening party, reception or ball, and should be sent out ten days or two weeks in advance of the event.

Receptions.

Informal receptions and full-dress occasions of the same kind are announced somewhat differently. In the first case the affair partakes so closely of the nature of an afternoon tea that the same form of invitation is used: Mrs. Howard Post, At Home, Tuesday, October second, from four to seven.

If a series of receptions are planned the form would be: Mrs. Howard Post, At Home, Tuesdays in November, from four to six o'clock.

Full-dress receptions are frequently given both afternoon and evening, sometimes in the evening only. Invitations to these should be engraved on square cards or note sheets, and sent out two weeks previous to the reception day. A very good form is:

Mrs. Jerome Hastings
Requests the pleasure of your company,
On Thursday, November twelfth,
From five until ten o'clock.
711 DuPage Street.
R.S.V.P.

If a daughter or a friend is to assist in receiving, the invitation should include her name also: Mrs. Jerome Hastings, Miss Hastings, At Home, Thursday, November twelfth, from five until ten o'clock. 711 DuPage Street.

When the reception is given by a gentleman, and its object is to enable his friends to meet some distinguished guest, the following form is used: Mr. Howard Post requests the pleasure of the company of Mr. Alonzo Metcalf to meet General E.L. Bates. Union League Club. 100 Cedar Street. R.S.V.P.

Though some prefer placing the name of the honored guest first, according to the form given under dinner invitations. The answer should be:

Weddings.

Wedding invitations are issued two weeks in advance, sometimes earlier to friends at a distance, in order that they may lay their plans accordingly. They are engraved in fine script on small sheets of cream note, and the form most used for church weddings is as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. Richard Earle
Request the pleasure of your company
At the marriage of their daughter,
Guendolen
To
Mr. Egbert Ray Cranston
On Tuesday, June Eighteenth, 1895,
At half-past twelve o'clock,
Christ Church,
Binghamton.

Still another form would give the daughter's name as "Miss Guendolen Earle."

There may or may not be a monogram on the sheet of paper, but, if used there, one to correspond must be placed on the inner envelope also. The envelope, however, may be stamped with a monogram and the paper left plain, this latter style being much in favor. Where the wedding is in church, it is usually followed by an after-reception, cards for which are engraved in some similar form to the following: Reception from one until three o'clock, 107 Washington Street. Or: At Home after the ceremony. 107 Washington Street.

A still more ceremonious invitation to the reception may be issued in the parents' name, and in the usual form of similar invitations, as: Mr. and Mrs. Richard Earle request the pleasure of your company at the wedding reception of their daughter, Guendolen, and Mr. Egbert Ray Cranston, Tuesday evening, June eighteenth, 1895, from nine to eleven o'clock. 107 Washington Street.

If there is reason to believe that the church will be crowded with uninvited guests, admission cards are engraved as follows: Christ Church. Please present this card to the usher. Tuesday, June eighteenth.

How Invitations are Sent.

Several of these cards are usually enclosed for distribution to friends of the invited and for the use of servants that have accompanied guests to the church. This custom is hardly necessary in country towns. All of the cards and the invitation are enclosed in one envelope superscribed with the name only of the person invited, and re-inclosed in another envelope bearing the full address. All formal invitations are to be enclosed in the two envelopes as above; less stately affairs requiring but one envelope; send by mail.

In England, wedding invitations are issued in the name of the mother of the bride only; here custom sanctions the use of the father's name as well. If the invitation is issued in the name of some other relative, then the word "granddaughter," "niece," etc., should be substituted for that of "daughter." If the future home of the young couple is decided upon, "At Home" cards also should be enclosed for all the invited guests that the bride desires to retain upon her visiting list. The following form is appropriate: Mr. and Mrs. Egbert Ray Cranston, At Home, Thursdays in September, from four until six o'clock. 48 Washington Street.

Or, in place of designating especial days, it may read: Mr. and Mrs. Egbert Ray Cranston, At Home, after September first. 48 Washington Street.

Where the list of acquaintances is very large it sometimes happens that a portion of the guests are invited to the church only. When this is the case the reception card is omitted from the envelope; but if a visiting acquaintance is to be maintained, "At Home" cards must be enclosed.

Wedding Invitations.

The home wedding is, perhaps, less stately in appearance, but, involving as it does, less care on the part of friends and less nervous strain on that of the bride, is frequently adopted. The invitations are precisely the same as for a church wedding, merely inserting street and number in place of designating the church, omitting, of course, the card of admittance and that for reception. The "At Home" card of the newly-married couple should always be enclosed lest doubt as to their new address prove perplexing to their friends.

Sometimes, where life is to be commenced in their own home, the wedded pair, soon after their establishment therein, send out "At Home" cards for a few evenings after this style: Mr. and Mrs. Egbert Ray Cranston, At Home, Tuesday evenings in September, from eight to eleven o'clock. 48 Washington Street.

Gatherings such as these partake of the nature of semi-formal receptions and present a delightful opportunity for welcoming friends to the new home, and at same time arranging a visiting list for the season, no one receiving a card to these entertainments that is not to be honored with a place thereon. These invitations are to be sent out after the return from the bridal tour, and, when thus used, the first-given "At Home" card is omitted in sending out the wedding invitation.

If the wedding is to be a morning affair from the church, followed by a breakfast, the first given invitation is issued and the following engraved card enclosed in the same envelope: Mr. and Mrs. Richard Earle request the pleasure of your company at breakfast, Tuesday, June twentieth, at half past twelve o'clock. 107 Washington Street.

"At Home" cards and cards to the church should be enclosed as before. The time should be carefully arranged so that not more than half an hour is allowed to elapse between the ceremony at the church and the reception or breakfast at the house.

A home wedding with a breakfast simply sends out the ordinary wedding invitation, indicating the hour and giving the street and number.

Sometimes, at a home wedding, it is desired that no one but relatives or very particular friends should be present at the ceremony. Under these circumstances the usual invitations are issued. Then, for the favored few, ceremony cards are enclosed, on which the words are engraved: Ceremony at half past eight.

"At Home" cards may be enclosed as before.

Where the wedding has been entirely private, the mother, or some other relative of the bride, frequently gives a reception upon the return home of the young couple, invitations to which are issued as follows: Mrs. Richard Earle, Mrs. Egbert Ray Cranston. At Home, Wednesday, September first, from four to ten o'clock. 107 Washington Street.

For an evening reception the form is a little different: Mr. and Mrs. Richard Earle request the pleasure of your company, Thursday, September second, from nine to eleven o'clock. 107 Washington Street. Enclosing the card of Mr. and Mrs. Egbert Ray Cranston.

Announcement Cards.

Announcement cards, where the wedding has been strictly private, are sent out after the following style: Mr. and Mrs. Richard Earle announce the marriage of their daughter, Guendolen, to Mr. Egbert Ray Cranston, Tuesday, November nineteenth, 1895. 107 Washington Street.

The before-given "At Home" cards may be enclosed, or the necessary information conveyed by having engraved in the lower left hand corner of the sheet of note paper: At Home, after December first, at 48 Washington Street.

Another form of announcement is also used: Egbert Ray Cranston. Guendolen Earle. Married, Tuesday, November nineteenth, 1895. Binghamton. With this form use "At Home" cards, or engrave the street and number in the lower left hand corner of the announcement card. This form is permissible in any case, but is more frequently employed where there are neither parents nor relatives to send out the announcement.

If the wedding should have taken place during a season of family mourning or misfortune, the bridegroom himself issues the following announcement: Mr. and Mrs. Egbert Ray Cranston, 48 Washington Street.

These cards are large and square, and in the same envelope with them is enclosed a smaller card engraved with the maiden name of the bride: Miss Guendolen Earle.

Wedding Anniversaries.

1885.
1890.
Wooden Wedding.
Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Grant,
At Home,
Thursday evening, December fifth, 1895,
At half-past eight o'clock.
263 East Thirteenth Street.

In sending out invitations for the various anniversaries that pleasantly diversify the years of a long wedded life, the simplest form will always be found in the best taste. There are varied devices for rendering these invitations striking in effect, such as silvered and gilded cards for silver and golden weddings, thin wooden cards for the wooden wedding, etc., but good taste would indicate that none of these, not even gold and silver lettering (though this last is least objectionable of all), should be used. The large engraved "At Home" card, or the small sheet of heavy note paper, also engraved, are the most elegant.

“No Presents Received.”

The words, "No presents received," are sometimes engraved in the lower left hand corner of the note sheet, or card. A much-to-be-admired custom, since the multiplicity of invitations requiring gifts, is, in more cases than one, burdensome to the recipient.

Revise the Visiting List.

Now, that it has become the custom to engage the services of an amanuensis to direct the invitations for a crush affair by the hundred, it would be well for every hostess to frequently revise her visiting list, in order that the relatives of lately deceased friends may not be pained by seeing the dear lost name included among the invitations of the family; also, this care is necessary to remove the names of those who have recently departed from the city, and those whose acquaintance is no longer desired.

In accepting or declining an invitation close attention should be paid to the form in which it is written and the same style followed in the answer. For instance: should the invitation be formal, the answer should preserve the same degree of formality; while a friendly invitation in note form should meet with an acceptance or regret couched in the same terms. Another rule to be rigidly observed is, that the acceptance or refusal must be written in the same person that characterized the invitation. For instance: if "Mr. and Mrs. Algernon Smith request the pleasure of the company of Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Bronson at dinner, etc.," with equal stateliness "Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Bronson accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Algernon Smith." To do otherwise would imply ignorance of the very rudiments of social or grammatical rules.

A friendly note of invitation, beginning somewhat after this fashion: "Mr. Smith and I would be pleased to have you and Mr. Brown, etc.," would be accepted or declined in the same fashion and person, as: "Mr. Brown and I accept with pleasure your kind invitation, etc." To answer such an invitation with a formal acceptance, or regret, written in the third person, as given above, would display profound ignorance of social customs.

An acceptance or regret, written in the first person, receives the signature of the writer, but one written in the third person remains unsigned. To sign it would produce a confusion of persons and be ungrammatical to the last degree. Another error to be avoided is that of beginning in this fashion: "I accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. John Jones," this also producing a change of person altogether inadmissible. Neither must one be betrayed into the mistake of using the words, "will accept," thus throwing the acceptance into the future tense, when, in reality, you do accept, in the present tense, at the moment of writing.

Accepting a Dinner Invitation.

Incumbent upon us as it is to answer the majority of our invitations in either the affirmative or negative, there are degrees of necessity even here, for, sin as we may in all other particulars, there is an unwritten code like unto the laws of the Medes and Persians which declareth that the invitations to a dinner are not to be lightly set aside. First, an invitation to a dinner is the highest social compliment that a host and hostess can pay to those invited, and, second, the guests are limited in number and painstakingly arranged in congenial couples by the careful hostess. Judge, then, of her disappointment, when, at the last moment, some delinquent sends in a hasty regret leaving little or no time to fill that terror of all dinner-givers, that skeleton at the feast, an empty chair. One such failure is sufficient to ruin the most carefully-arranged table and is an injury to host and hostess that only the occurrence of some unforeseen calamity can justify.

ANSWERING AN INVITATION.

In answering an invitation it is well to repeat the date, as: "Your kind invitation for Tuesday, May fifth." This will give an opportunity, if any mistakes have been made in dates, to rectify them at once. This caution it would be well to observe in answering any invitation.

Answer decisively as well as promptly. Do not, if there is a doubt as to your being able to attend, selfishly keep the lists open in your favor by suggesting that "You hope to have the pleasure," etc., or, if married, that "one of us will come." This is an injustice to those inviting you, who, to make a success of their entertainment, must know at once the number to be depended upon. Say "yes" or "no" promptly and abide by your decision. To do this will, in case of refusal, give time to fill your place at table.

Accepting a Dinner Invitation.

In accepting a dinner invitation the following form is very suitable. This, of course, presupposes that the invitation has also been written in the third person. (See Invitations.)

A gentleman might respond thus:

To answer a formal invitation carelessly and familiarly is to show a degree of disrespect to the sender, but, if the invitation be in note form, first person, answer in same fashion, it being usually safe to follow the style of invitation in either accepting or refusing the proffered pleasure.

Never "present one's compliments" in response to an invitation. It is entirely out of date; neither should one say "the polite invitation of Mr. John Jones." All invitations are presupposed to be "polite." "Your kind" or "very kind invitation" is a gracefully-turned and amply sufficient phrase for all occasions.

Declining a Dinner Invitation.

An unexplained regret is often (as before mentioned) wounding to the feelings of a sensitive person, leaving at times the impression that one did not care to come. This can always be avoided by particularizing the cause of refusal. A plea of expected absence, a previous engagement to dine elsewhere, a recent bereavement, or sudden illness in the family, are each of them good and sufficient reasons for non-acceptance and should always be mentioned. Thus, in reply to a formal dinner invitation, a "regret" might be sent in the following terms:

This form of refusal will be found suitable for all formal occasions, varying the name of the entertainment and the cause for non-acceptance to suit the circumstances.

Persons in Mourning.

Invitations to those in mourning should be sent as a matter of course, except during the first few weeks of deep bereavement, when their sorrows are not to be intruded upon by the gayeties of the outer world. After this first season of sorrow, invitations, which neither custom nor their own feelings permit them to accept, should be sent, that they may know that they are not forgotten in their solitude.

To these there is always given the privilege of declining all invitations without any specified cause therefor, their black-bordered stationery showing all too plainly the sad reason that prompted their refusal. They should then send their cards (black-bordered) by mail enclosed in two envelopes. These will take the place of a personal call and should be the same in number. It may be mentioned here that while people in deep mourning are not usually invited to dinners or luncheons, it is customary for them to receive invitations to all weddings and other social gatherings, and though they may not accept, still it is gratifying for them to know that they are remembered in their seclusion.

A LETTER OF CONDOLENCE.

Addressing the Answer.

The answer to an invitation should always be addressed to the person in whose name it is sent. If "Mr. and Mrs. Richard Roe request the pleasure," etc., address the answer to "Mr. and Mrs. Richard Roe." If "Mrs. Richard Roe is At Home" on a certain date, address the reply to her alone. In case of wedding invitations, address all answers to the parents of the bride, in whose name they are sent out, never to the bride, although she may be your only personal acquaintance in the family, the civility being due to the issuers of the invitation. This is customary in the case of all invitations.

Wedding Invitations.

Wedding invitations are usually thought to require no answer unless it be to a sit-down wedding breakfast. In this case the same exactness in reply and the same form is demanded as for a dinner invitation. If the invitation is extended to friends at a distance and presupposes an intention to entertain the recipients for any length of time, the obligation for speedy reply is equally necessary.

If the invitation is given by an informal note, as is the case with some very quiet weddings, an answer must always be returned and in the same note form. This attention is demanded by courtesy.

To a large crush wedding a regret, accompanied or not by a gift, may be sent if desired; an acceptance is not necessary. Where the invitations are to the church only, they are amply answered by sending or leaving cards at the house. To receive a card stating that the wedded pair will be "At Home" on certain dates, means that they desire to continue their acquaintance with the parties thus invited, who should either call in person or send cards promptly.

Wedding Anniversaries.

Anniversary invitations require an answer, thus giving a very pleasant opportunity for congratulating the happy couple. The following forms are suitable:

For a refusal:

The same formulæ in answering will apply to any of the anniversary festivities.

Theater and Opera Parties.

These parties are frequently made up on rather short notice and the invitations are then sent to the house by special messenger who awaits the reply, which must be written at once, that the lady or gentleman giving the entertainment may be sure of a certain number to fill the box or stalls, engaged for the evening. Occasionally, when the party is given by a gentleman, he takes a carriage and gives out the invitations in person when a verbal answer is returned.

Luncheons and Suppers.

Invitations for these are written in the same form as for a dinner, merely substituting the word "luncheon" or "supper" for "dinner," and should be accepted or refused in precisely the same style. Answers also should be sent with the same promptness that the hostess may be certain of arranging her table satisfactorily.

Other Invitations.

Other invitations, aside from those already specified in this department, scarcely demand an answer, except they bear the words: "The favor of an answer is requested," or the initials, "R.S.V.P." Simple "at home" affairs never need an answer, though cards must always be sent, or left in person, immediately afterward. Garden parties, where they are held at any distance from the city and carriages are to be sent to convey the guests thither, always require an answer; this, however, is usually indicated upon the card.

Refusing After Acceptance.

Should it unfortunately occur, after accepting an invitation, that, by one of the sorrowful happenings so often marring our best laid plans, we are prevented from fulfilling our promise, let the regret sent be prompt, that your hostess, especially if the entertainment be a dinner or luncheon may possibly, even at the eleventh hour, be able to supply the vacancy. Make it explanatory as well, that she may feel positive that no mere whim has caused the disarrangement of her plans.

What Not to Do.

Never write the word "accepts," "regrets" or "declines" upon your visiting card and send in lieu of a written note. To do so is not only an insult to your hostess but a mark as well of your own ill-breeding. An invitation, which is always an honor and implies the best that your host is able to offer, should always receive the courtesy of a civil reply.

This is now the matter—matter grave and serious enough—which we have in hand. There are gems of wisdom founded on health, morality, happiness, which should be put within reach of every household in our whole broad land. It is a most important, yet neglected subject. People are squeamish, cursed with mock modesty, ashamed to speak with their lips what their Creator spoke through their own minds and bodies when he formed them. It is time such nonsense—nonsense shall we say?—rather say it is time such fatal folly were withered and cursed by the sober common sense and moral duty of universal society.

Courtship! Its theme, how delightful! Its memories and associations, how charming! Its luxuries the most luxurious proffered to mortals! Its results how far reaching, and momentous! No mere lover's fleeting bauble, but life's very greatest work! None are equally portentous, for good and evil.

Errors of Love-Making.

God's provisions for man's happiness are boundless and endless. How great are the pleasures of sight, motion, breathing! How much greater those of mind! Yet a right love surpasses them all; and can render us all happier than our utmost imaginations can depict; and a wrong more miserable.

Right love-making is more important than right selection; because it affects conjugal life for the most. Men and women need knowledge concerning it more than touching anything else. Their fatal errors show their almost universal ignorance concerning it. That most married discords originate in wrong love-making instead of selection, is proved by love usually declining; while adaptation remains the same.

Right courtship will harmonize natural discordants, much more concordants, still more those already in love; which only some serious causes can rupture. The whole power of this love element is enlisted in its perpetuity, as are all the self-interests of both. As nature's health provisions are so perfect that only its great and long-continued outrage can break it; so her conjugal are so numerous and perfect that but for outrageous violation of her love laws all who once begin can and will grow more and more affectionate and happy every day.

Any man who can begin to elicit any woman's love, can perfectly infatuate her more and more, solely by courting her right; and all women who once start a man's love—no very difficult achievement—can get out of him, and do with him, anything possible she pleases. The charming and fascinating power of serpents over birds is as nothing compared with that a woman can wield over a man, and he over her. Ladies, recall your love hey-day. You had your lover perfectly spell-bound. He literally knew not what he did or would do. With what alacrity he sprang to indulge your every wish, at whatever cost, and do exactly as you desired! If you had only courted him just right, he would have continued to grow still more so till now. This is equally true of a man's power over every woman who once begins to love him. What would you give to again wield that same bewitching wand?

How to Carry on Courtship.

Intuition, our own selfhood, is nature's highest teacher, and infallible; and tells all, by her "still, small voice within," whether and just wherein they are making love right or wrong. Every false step forewarns all against itself; and great is their fall who stumble. Courtship has its own inherent consciousness, which must be kept inviolate.

Then throw yourself, O courting youth, upon your own interior sense of propriety and right, as to both the beginning and conducting of courtship, after learning all you can from these pages, and have no fears as to results, but quietly bide them, in the most perfect assurance of their happy eventuality!

"What can I do or omit to advance my suit? prevent dismissal? make my very best impression? guarantee acceptance? touch my idol's heart? court just right?" This is what all true courters say.

Cultivate and manifest whatever qualities you would awaken. You inspire in the one you court the precise feeling and traits you yourself experience. This law effects this result. Every faculty in either awakens itself in the other. This is just as sure as gravity itself. Hence your success must come from within, depends upon yourself, not the one courted.

Study the specialties, likes and dislikes in particular, of the one courted, and humor and adapt yourself to them.

Be extra careful not to prejudice him or her against you by awakening any faculty in reverse. Thus whatever rouses the other's resistance against you, antagonizes all the other faculties, and proportionally turns love for you into hatred. Whatever wounds ambition reverses all the other feelings, to your injury; what delights it, turns them in your favor. All the faculties create, and their action constitutes human nature; which lovers will do right well to study. To give an illustration:

A Case to the Point.

An elderly man with points in his favor, having selected a woman eighteen years younger, but most intelligent and feminine, had two young rivals, each having more points in their favor, and came to his final test. She thought much of having plenty of money. They saw they could "cut him out" by showing her that he was poor; she till then thinking his means ample. All four met around her table, and proved his poverty. His rivals retired, sure that they had made "his cake dough," leaving him with her. It was his turning-point. He addressed himself right to her affections, saying little about money matters, but protesting an amount of devotion for her to which she knew they were strangers; and left his suit right on this one point; adding:

"You know I can make money; know how intensely I esteem, admire, idolize, and love you. Will not my admitted greater affection, with my earnings, do more for you than they with more money, but less love?"

Her clear head saw the point. Her heart melted into his. She said "yes." He triumphed by this affectional spirit alone over their much greater availability.

Manifesting the domestic affections and virtues, a warm, gushing friendly nature, fondness for children and home, inspires a man's love most of all, while evincing talents by a man peculiarly enamors woman.

Relations, you shall not interfere, where even parents may not. Make your own matches, and let others make theirs; especially if you have bungled your own. One such bungle is one too many.

The parties are betrothed. Their marriage is "fore-ordained" by themselves, its only rightful umpires, which all right-minded outsiders will try to promote, not prevent. How despicable to separate husbands and wives! Yet is not parting those married by a love-spirit, equally so? Its mere legal form can but increase its validity, not create it. Marriage is a divine institution, and consists in their own personal betrothal. Hence breaking up a true love-union before its legal consummation, is just as bad as parting loving husband and wife; which is monstrous. All lovers who allow it are its wicked partakers.

Choice of Associates.

The first point to be considered on this subject is a careful choice of associates, which will often, in the end, save future unhappiness and discomfort, since, as Goldsmith so truthfully puts it, "Love is often an involuntary passion placed upon our companions without our consent, and frequently conferred without even our previous esteem."

This last most unhappy state of affairs may, to a great extent, be avoided by this careful choosing of companions. Especially is this true on the part of the lady, since, from the nature and constitution of society, an unsuitable acquaintance, friendship, or alliance, is more embarrassing and more painful for the woman than the man. As in single life an undesirable acquaintance is more derogatory to a woman than to a man, so in married life, the woman it is who ventures most, "for," as Jeremy Taylor writes, "she hath no sanctuary in which to retire from an evil husband; she may complain to God as do the subjects of tyrants and princes, but otherwise she hath no appeal in the causes of unkindness."

First Steps.

To a man who has become fascinated with some womanly ideal, we would say, if the acquaintanceship be very recent, and he, as yet, a stranger to her relatives, that he should first consider in detail his position and prospects in life, and judge whether or not they are such as would justify him in striving to win the lady's affections, and later on her hand in marriage. Assured upon this point, and let no young man think that a fortune is necessary for the wooing of any woman worth the winning, let him then gain the needful introductions through some mutual friend to her parents or guardians.

If, on the other hand, it is a long acquaintance that has ripened into admiration, this latter formality will be unnecessary.

As to the lady, her position is negative to a great extent. Yet it is to be presumed that her preferences, though unexpressed, are decided, and, if the attentions of a gentleman are agreeable, her manners will be apt to indicate, in some degree, the state of her mind.

Prudence, however, does, or should, warn her not to accept too marked attentions from a man of whose past life she knows nothing, and of whose present circumstances she is equally ignorant.

Character.

There is one paramount consideration too often overlooked and too late bewailed in many a ruined home, and that is the character of the man who seeks to win a woman's hand. Parents and guardians cannot be too careful in this regard, and young women themselves should, by refusing such associates, avoid all danger of contracting such ties. Wealth, nor family rank, nor genius, availeth aught if the character of the man be flawed.

Let parents teach their daughters and let girls understand for themselves that happiness, or peace, in married life is impossible where a man is, in any wise, dissipated, or liable to be overcome by any of the fashionable vices of the day. Better go down to your grave a "forlorn spinster" than marry such a man.

Disposition.

As to temper or disposition, the man or woman can easily gain some insight into the respective peculiarities of another's temperament by a little quiet observation. If the gentleman be courteous and careful in his attentions to his mother and sisters, and behave with ease and consideration toward all women, irrespective of age, rank, or present condition, she may feel that her first estimate was a correct one. On the other hand, should he show disrespect toward women as a class, sneer at sacred things, evince an inclination for expensive pleasures in advance of his means, or for low amusements or companionship; be cruel to the horse he drives, or display an absence of all energy in his business pursuits, then is it time to gently, but firmly, repel all nearer advances on his part.

As to the gentleman, it will be well for him also to watch carefully as to the disposition of the lady and her conduct in her own family. If she be attentive and respectful to her parents, kind and affectionate toward her brothers and sisters, not easily ruffled in temper and with inclination to enjoy the pleasures of home; cheerful, hopeful and charitable in disposition, then may he feel, indeed, that he has a prize before him well worth the winning.

If, however, she should display a strong inclination towards affectation and flirtation; be extremely showy or else careless in her attire, frivolous in her tastes and eager for admiration, he may rightly conclude that very little home happiness is to be expected from her companionship.

Trifling.

A true gentleman will never confine his attentions exclusively to one lady unless he has an intention of marriage. To do so exposes her to all manner of conjecture, lays an embargo on the formation of other acquaintances, may very seriously compromise her happiness, and by after withdrawal frequently causes her the severest mortification. Hence a gentleman with no thought of marriage is in honor bound to make his attentions to ladies as general as possible.

Still more reprehensible is the conduct of the man who insinuates himself into the affections of a young girl by every protestation and avowal possible, save that which would be binding upon himself, and then withdraws his attentions with the boastful consciousness that he has not committed himself.

Again, the young lady who willfully, knowingly, deliberately, draws on a man to place hand and heart at her disposal simply for the pleasure of refusing him and thus adding one more name to her list of rejected proposals, is utterly unworthy the name of woman.

Etiquette of Making and Receiving Gifts.

On the question of gifts there is a point of etiquette to be observed. Gentlemen, as a rule, do not offer ladies presents, save of fruits, flowers, or confections; which gifts, notwithstanding that a small fortune may be lavished upon their purchase, are supposed, in all probability from their perishable character, to leave no obligation resting upon the lady.

Should the conversation, however, turn upon some new book or musical composition, which the lady has not seen, the gentleman may, with perfect propriety, say, "I wish that you could see such or such a work and, if you will permit, I should be pleased to send you a copy." It is then optional with the lady to accept or refuse.

Should a gentleman persist in offering other gifts there must be no secrecy about it. She should take early opportunity of saying, in the presence of her father and mother, "I am very much obliged to you for that ring, pin (or other gift) which you were so kind as to offer me the other day, and I shall be happy to accept it if Papa or Mamma does not object." If the lady is positive in her objections to receiving gifts, it is easy to say, "I thank you for the kindness but I never take expensive presents;" or, "Mamma never permits me to accept expensive presents." These refusals are always to be taken by the gentleman in good part. Where a present has been unadvisedly accepted, it is perfectly proper for the mother to return it with thanks, saying, "I think my daughter rather young to accept such expensive gifts."

After an engagement is formally made the etiquette of gifts is somewhat altered, though even then expensive presents, unless it be the engagement ring, are not in the best taste. These should be reserved for the marriage gifts.

Proposals of Marriage.

The proposal itself is a subject so closely personal in its nature that each man must be a law unto himself in the matter, and time and opportunity will be his only guides to success, unless, mayhap, his lady-love be the braver of the two and help him gently over the hardest part, for there be men and men; some who brook not "no" for an answer, and some that a moment's hesitation on the part of the one sought would seal their lips forever.

A woman must always remember that a proposal of marriage is the highest honor that a man can pay her, and, if she must refuse it, to do so in such fashion as to spare his feelings as much as possible. If she be a true and well-bred woman, both proposal and refusal will be kept a profound secret from every one save her parents. It is the least balm she can offer to the wounded pride of the man who has chosen her from out all women to bear his name and to reign in his home. A wise woman can almost always prevent matters from coming to the point of a declaration, and, by her actions and her prompt acceptance of the attentions of others, should strive to show the true state of her feelings.

A gentleman should usually take "no" for an answer unless he be of so persevering a disposition as to be determined to take the fort by siege; or unless the "no" was so undecided in its tone as to give some hope of finding true the poet's words:

On the gentleman's part, a decided refusal should be received as calmly as possible, and his resolve should be in no way to annoy the cause of all his pain. If mere indifference be or seem to be the origin of the refusal, he may, after a suitable length of time, press his suit once more; but if an avowed or evident preference for another be the reason, it becomes imperative that he should at once withdraw from the field. Any reason that the lady may, in her compassion, see fit to give him as cause for her refusal, should ever remain his inviolable secret.

SOCIAL PASTIME ON RETURN VOYAGE.

DECLINED WITH REGRETS.

As whatever grows has its natural period for maturing, so has love. At engagement you have merely selected, so that your familiarity should be only intellectual, not affectional. You are yet more acquaintances than companions. As sun changes from midnight darkness into noonday brilliancy, and heats, lights up, and warms gradually, and as summer "lingers in the lap of spring;" so marriage should dally in the lap of courtship. Nature's adolescence of love should never be crowded into a premature marriage. The more personal, the more impatient it is; yet to establish its Platonic aspect takes more time than is usually given it; so that undue haste puts it upon the carnal plane, which soon cloys, then disgusts.

Unbecoming Haste.

Coyness and modesty always accompany female love, which involuntarily shrink from close masculine contact until its mental phase is sufficiently developed to overrule the antagonistic intimacies of marriage.

Besides, why curtail the luxuries of courtship? Should haste to enjoy the lusciousness of summer engulf the delights of spring? The pleasures of courtship are unsurpassed throughout life, and quite too great to be curtailed by hurrying marriage. And enhancing or diminishing them redoubles or curtails those of marriage a hundredfold more. A happy courtship promotes conjugal felicity more than anything else whatever. A lady, asked why she didn't marry, since she had so many making love to her, replied: "Because being courted is too great a luxury to be spoilt by marrying."

No man should wait to make his pile. Two must acquire a competence conjointly, in order fully to really enjoy it together. This alone can give full zest to whatever pleasures it produces.

A formal proffer of marriage naturally follows a man's selection and decision as to whom he will marry. Consent to canvass their mutual adaptations implies consent to marry, if all is found satisfactory; yet a final test and consummation now become necessary, both to bring this whole matter to a focus, and allow both to state, and obviate or waive, those objections which must needs exist on both sides; including any improvements possible in either.

How to Deal with Objections.

The best time to state and waive or remove all objections, seeming and real, not already adjusted, is at his proposal, and her acceptance. A verbal will do, but a written is much better, by facilitating future reference. A long future awaits their marriage; hence committing this its initial point to writing, so that both can look back to it, is most desirable. And he can propose, and she accept, much better when alone, and they have all their faculties under full control, than verbally, perhaps, when excited. Those same primal reasons for reducing all other contracts to writing obtain doubly in reference to marriage.

You who fear awkwardness on paper, remember that true human nature always appears well, even when poorly dressed. A diamond is no less brilliant because set in clay. Mode is nothing, reality everything. All needed to appear well is to feel right, and express naturally what is felt. Saying plainly what you have to say, is all required.

The acceptance or rejection should also be unequivocal, or any contingencies stated, and waived if minor, but if they can neither be obviated nor compromised, should terminate their relations, that both may look elsewhere. If any bones of contention exist, now is the time to inter them finally, and to take the initiatory steps for perfecting both in each other's eyes. Bear in mind that as yet your relations are still those of business merely, because neither has acquired or conceded any right to love or be loved. Without pretending to give model letters of proposal, acceptance, or rejection, because varying circumstances will vary each ad infinitum, the following may serve as samples from which to work: