Tagalog Texts with Grammatical Analysis

27. The ignorant priest.

To the town of Baliwag there was once assigned a priest who had no education whatever. The people surmised that he was only a grass-cutter in Spain, who had been cast hither by chance and assigned as priest to their town so that he might have some income and so be saved from dying of hunger. Every Sunday he said mass, but those who heard the mass could hear nothing from him, except only the word “Mass, mass, mass,” and so on. He would walk round in front of the altar; at times he faced the people, brought his hands together, and, while making all these movements, he would keep saying his “Mass, mass, mass,” and so on.

The people got angry and reported him to the archbishop. The answer of the archbishop was that he would come some Sunday and hear the mass to see if their accusation was really true.

The archbishop arrived. The priest told him that he was not able to perform mass, because the silly people all left the church as soon as he began mass.

“Tomorrow,” he added, “you will see how they all run away as soon as I give the blessing.”

The next day was Sunday and at his mass the archbishop was to be present. He planned a way of saving himself. Accordingly, before beginning the mass, he caused some oil to boil. While he was putting on his vestments the people and the archbishop were seated in the church. The archbishop was near the altar, and, while the priest was putting on his vestments, the oil was boiling. When he had put on his vestments, he poured the boiling oil into the vessel for holy water. It was his custom to give the blessing before saying mass, so, when he entered the church, he sprinkled the boiling oil on the people instead of holy-water. The people, struck by the drops of hot oil, all jumped up and ran with all their might out of the church. When the archbishop saw this, he did not have the mass gone on with on that day, for there was not a single one of the people left in the church.

The archbishop said to the priest that he would not have to leave the town and that hereafter he would not heed any accusation that the people made.

28. The confessional.

Father Mundo was the priest assigned for some years to the town of Mariquina. He was a man who liked amusements. He was never deficient in the fulfilment of his duties. Every day he said mass, and on Sunday he said mass twice. Also, he christened children, said blessings over the dead, carried the sacrament, heard confession, and gave holy communion. He performed all his duties well, but the confessing he overdid a little. From his point of view this was perhaps useful in lessening the sins of those whom he confessed, but for some of the latter it had its bad side.

Once there was a young woman who was fond of going to church and to confession. When this young woman reached the age of twenty years, she abandoned the pious duty of going to confession, and also went to church but rarely. Once when this woman was questioned, she spoke as follows:

“At first I really thought that Father Mundo was a saint, but now the people realize that he is a horrid man. At flood-time, when the people are all canoeing on the flood, he rides along in the women’s canoe, and not with the men. In the morning, after saying mass, he is seen squatting in his courtyard with his vestments trailing on the ground, petting fighting-cocks, in company with the other cock-fighters.

“At first I often confessed to him, but there came a day when the things he asked me in the confessional were nothing but foolishness. Was it right for him to ask me how many suitors I had, whom I liked, and where I met them? What I thought was that this priest was extremely impudent. So I left him at once in the confessional, and since that time I have not been going to confession.”

29. Juan the joker.

Juan was a man given to doing nonsensical things, but he did not do them intentionally to anger his fellow-men; it was merely his natural habit, prompted by his character.

Once he went to the festival of a certain town. He was carrying three young pigs to sell in the town. When he got there, he saw many people gathered in the courtyard of the church and listening to a speech which the mayor of the town was delivering. The people stood in a dense crowd, but he succeeded in getting close to the foot of the platform on which the orator was standing. While he took part in the crowding, the three pigs kept squealing. When he had arrived in front of the mayor, he held his hand over their mouths to make them keep quiet, but he did not succeed. The mayor took notice of the squealing of the pigs and looked round to see who had brought the pigs there.

When he saw Juan he addressed him as follows: “Juan! What do you mean by making your pigs squeal here? Get out of here at once and never again dare to set foot on the ground of Bustos!”

Juan departed and went home to his town of San Ildefonso. A year passed, and the festival in the town of Bustos came round again. Juan wanted to go there, but he remembered that the mayor of that town had threatened him that, if he were seen again on the ground of Bustos, he would have him imprisoned and tortured. Juan thought of a way of going there none the less.

When the festival arrived, there was a high mass, which was attended by thousands of people. Juan was one of these people, and he it was whom all the people were watching, owing to the manner of his appearance there in the church. It was not long before one of the people who were watching him complained to the mayor, saying that Juan was in the church mounted on a wagon drawn by carabao, and that the whole thing, wagon, carabao, and Juan, was inside the church. Juan had not got down from the wagon on which he was standing.

The mayor went to the church to arrest Juan. When he got there he said: “Juan! Follow me, I am going to imprison you. Didn’t I tell you not to set foot on the ground of Bustos?”

But Juan answered: “Mr. Mayor! You certainly did tell me that. That is why I cannot get out of my wagon. Do you see this earth, sir, with which my wagon is loaded and on which I am standing? This is not the ground of Bustos, sir, but earth of San Ildefonso. I got this earth in my town.”

When Juan had said this, the mayor could not restrain his laughter and only said to himself that he could do nothing to Juan, for the latter was in the right.

30. The three thieves.

Juan, Andrés, and Diego were three expert thieves. They were very famous, and many people were trying to catch them, but their cleverness at dodging and stealing kept them from being caught. The three once made an appointment to meet at a certain quiet and secret place to discuss their means of livelihood and new good methods of thievery. Not one of them had an honest trade. This had been their mode of life from childhood on, so they had become skilful and very clever at this activity.

When the day of their meeting came, they were there already at dawn. Each one of them had much to tell, and, as they were all talking at once, their stories were indistinguishable.

Juan asked of Diego: “How skilled are you now at your work?”

“In my opinion,” answered Diego, “I am the most skilful of us three, for I am able to steal the eggs a hen is brooding on without its knowing it. And not only this,” he continued, “I am able to rob wild animals of their young without their noticing it.”

“Is that all your skill?” Andrés quickly interrupted, “I am able to rob animals and men too. I have stolen all of people’s jewelry that I wanted to steal, whether the owner was asleep or up and about. Once I stole a ring that the owner was sleeping on to keep it from being stolen,—but I stole it without his noticing.”

“Is that all the skill you two have?” asked Juan. “The things you do don’t come halfway up to my skill at stealing. I can steal people themselves, and not only their property.”

The two he was talking to were surprised, for they did not think that a live man could be stolen without his knowing it, and, to test Juan’s ability, the two made a bet with Juan. They told him to steal the priest of the town and to bring him to the place where they now were. If he succeeded in doing this, Andrés and Diego would pay him five hundred pesos. But if he could not do it, he was to pay Andrés and Diego one hundred pesos. Juan agreed to this bet, and they parted.

Juan went to the town and found out by inquiry where the priest lived. When he had found this out, he figured out the plan he would pursue in stealing the priest. He entered the priest’s household as a servant. During his stay as a servant he became acquainted with the habits of the priest. One of his habits, from which he never deviated, was praying a rosary before the image of a saint. The image was made of wood, and it represented Saint John. The size of this image was equal to that of a man. Juan had a carver make an image just like this one, but with an opening, and hollow inside. This opening inside the body of the image of the saint was such that a man could enter it. When the image which Juan had had made was ready, he replaced with it the image of Saint John which belonged to the priest.

One afternoon before prayers he took a rice-sack and went into the inside of the saint he had had made. When the priest had eaten supper he went into the room in which he prayed, to say a rosary. When he was halfway through his prayers, and just about as Juan was getting tired of standing up, the latter spoke: “Cease your praying, Father Lucas. I have been sent here to conduct you to Heaven.”

At first the priest was filled with fear, but then he thought that his saint was doing a miracle and was really calling for him in order to take him to Heaven. As he did not say anything, Juan again spoke as follows: “Many are the works of piety which you have done. You have been patient in living a lowly life, therefore all the joys of Heaven have been reserved for you. Come with me, and I shall conduct you.”

The priest answered: “How shall I manage to come with you? I am old and cannot walk from here on earth as far as Heaven.”

Juan answered: “Never you mind that, I have a bag here. Get into it and I will carry you on my way to Heaven.”

When he had said this, he spread out the rice-sack. When the priest had got into it, Juan tied the bag tightly. He got out from inside the image and carried Father Lucas on his shoulder toward the house where he had his appointment with his two friends. Father Lucas really believed that he was going to Heaven, and so he staid still in the sack.

However, when Juan was wading through a shallow river, it occurred to him that he was being fooled and that they were not going to Heaven at all.

Therefore he asked Juan: “What river is this, and why must we cross a river on the way to Heaven?”

Juan answered: “Shhh! Don’t make any noise! This is the river Jordan.”

The priest desisted from speaking. Juan kept on walking. When he was already going up into the house that was their place of meeting, the priest was again surprised and again asked: “What stairway is this? Is this the way the staircase of Heaven looks?”

“I have told you already that you must not make any noise,” answered Juan, “This is the stairway that leads to Heaven.”

When they had come up into the house, they were met by Diego and Andrés. Juan dropped his burden and said to them: “I have brought here what you told me to steal. Have you brought the five hundred pesos?”

The other two did not believe him at once. So what they did was to make a hole in the bag and peep at the contents. In it they saw the head of the priest with the tonsure. Accordingly they handed Juan the five hundred pesos and they all quickly left the house. They abandoned the priest, leaving him to get free as best he could.

31. How monkeys are caught.

In the jungle one not rarely meets with large herds of monkeys. When the one who comes into their haunts is unarmed, there is danger of their killing the man whom they overpower by their numbers. When angry, they climb down from the trees and all bite at the man who is in their power. Therefore a man who is going into jungles where there are many monkeys will not neglect to carry a gun. When the monkeys hear the noise of the gun, they are unafraid. Most of them do not run away, but look at the place where the noise and smoke come from. Those who are reached by a bullet try to ward it off with their hand, like one who is warding off a mere throw. Therefore, when they are shot, their palms too are pierced by the bullet.

Not infrequently people catch live monkeys, so as to domesticate them and sell them to the various foreigners who come to the Philippines. The catching of live monkeys does not involve much labor, for the method of catching them is simply to trick them.

When one wants to catch monkeys, one usually cooks or has cooked some sweetmeats, and into these one mixes or has mixed some balasing. Balasing is the seed of a plant which intoxicates or puts into a deep sleep the animals which eat it. It is used also in catching fish in rivers. When these sweetmeats have been cooked, the man carries them to where the herd of monkeys is. However, if he should place it carefully on the ground, the monkeys would not climb down to eat it. They suspect that these sweetmeats are only a bait for them, that they may be caught or killed. Therefore what the man does is to pretend that he is frightened and when he sees the monkeys, he starts running, carrying on his head the tray of drugged sweetmeats. While running he pretends to take a fall on his face, so that the sweetmeats he is carrying on his head fall down and are scattered over the ground. When this happens, he keeps on running just the same, and hides somewhere or other to watch the monkeys eat. When the monkeys see the man running away, and when he is hidden, they climb down from the trees and all start grabbing the sweetmeats. They all crowd on top of one another in their greed, and the noise is very great, for each herd of monkeys is about five hundred or a thousand strong. When they have eaten it is not long before they are attacked by sleepiness. They get weak and cannot climb into the trees. It is a laughable sight to see these monkeys, old and young, squatting on the ground and nodding, everyone of them. The ones who did not succeed in grabbing any sweetmeats climb up into the trees and look down at their drunken companions. When the monkeys are in this state, and not before, does the man who is hidden come up and take the sleeping monkeys one by one. The effect of the drug is not of long duration, and the monkeys get well after a few days.

Another common way of catching monkeys is to use cocoanuts as bait. A hole is made in an unopened cocoanut. The size of this hole is just large enough for a monkey to put in his hand when it is not holding anything. Inside the cocoanut-shell is placed a piece of the meat of the cocoanut, and the whole thing is placed in a spot where there are monkeys. Monkeys like cocoanut, and when they see it, they grasp the meat that is inside the shell. But when they have hold of the cocoanut-meat, they can no longer take their hand out through the opening, but they will not let go of the cocoanut-meat. Consequently they are as though in stocks, and when the man who is catching them approaches, they cannot get away, for the cocoanuts are heavy and sometimes are weighted in addition. So when the catcher comes up, he is able without difficulty to capture the handcuffed monkeys, grown or young.