Prof.—
On second thoughts,
It is not a good morning;
For though the sun shines bright,
Take warning—
Southerly wind, and a cloudy sky
Winds northwest, perhaps, by and by,
For New York and Pennsylvania,
And the states on the Gulf of Mexico.
For Arkansas there will be
A great disturbance in mercuree;
And for all the other states that remain
They will have local rain,
Frost and hail, and ice and snow,
And cold winds will rage and blow;
Earthquakes, water-spouts, cyclones, thunder-storms,
Whirlwinds, tidal waves, very bad tempests;
But in spite of this there will be
Pleasant weather generallee.
But you’d better all take pains
To look out for local rains.
No. 11.
This I know for—
Sings.—
I am a great astrologer.
All.—
A regular sockdologer.
Prof.—
A graduated colledger.
My name is Finigin;
I get my knowledge from the stars
From pickled snakes put up in jars,
From dead men’s wired vertebras,
From skulls of apes and men.
All.—
He is a great ass—
——trologer.
He is a great ass—trologer.
He is a great ass—trologer!
2nd Verse.
Prof.—
I take a pint of kerosene,
Chem.—
Tremendous pint of kerosene.
Prof.—
And let two hours intervene,
Then mix it in a pill,
Four candle ends, molasses too,
With squills and ginger-snaps and glue,
’Twill settle any one of you,
And cure your every ill.
All.—
That is a great li——
(Prof. turns and scowls.)
——fe preserver.
That is a great li——fe preserver.
That is a great li——fe preserver!
(Prof. turns and
comes down front to King.)
Prof.—
That’s but the smallest part of what I know;
Now, if you like, I’ll go ahead and show
The relative conditions that appear
In pharmacologistic law.
(Opens large dictionary.)
Sassy.—
Oh dear!
(Prof. scowls,
looks severely at Sassy, then to all.)
Prof.—
Apparently this subject isn’t one
Of universal interest—
(Shuts dictionary with a bang.)
I’m done!!
King.—
Well, yes! as you were saying—it is late,
(Cheerfully.) And we have some important things to state.
(Calling)—Hey! Caramella!!
(Enter Cara.,
L.)
Here’s the first of men,
Professor Paracelsus Finigin.
(Prof. and
Cara. bow.)
Cara. (frightened).—
Oh, thank you!
Chemists (very loudly).—
Ahem!!
Cara. (starting).—
O dear! What’s that?
Prof.—
Excuse me, I forgot—
(To chemists.)
You want an introduction, do you not?
Chem.—H’m, H’m! (Assenting.)
Prof.—Well, this is Princess Caramella, daughter of our honored king, Nougat First.
Chem.—Ho! Ho! (Surprised.)
Prof. (to Cara.)—And these gentlemen are followers in my footsteps and like me, though in a minor degree. Doctors of Science and Registered Pharmacists.
Chem.—Ha! Ha! (Satisfaction.)
Prof. (introducing).—Princess Caramella—Registered Pharmacists. Registered Pharmacists—Princess Caramella.
Chem.—He, he! (Laughing.)
(Cara. and
Chemists bow.)
King.—
And now, most learned gentlemen, we’ll tell
The reason why we want you.
Chem.—
Very well.
King.—
Our daughter here is sad and sick at heart,
And very much in need of all your art.
She’s eaten so much candy here and there,
That for a lover’s sweetness she don’t care,
And seems unable to pick out, or know
A husband, when she sees him.
Prof.—
Strange!
Chem.—
Ho! Ho!!
King.—
What shall we do?
Cara.—
Oh yes! what shall we do?
Please think of something nice, I trust in you.
Prof.—
H’m, h’m, the case is bad.
Cara.—
Oh, say not so!
I think I’d like to have a real nice beau;
An interesting lover—brave and strong,
And handsome, too—with ringlets light and long,
Yes, find me such an one—
(Long pause. By-play.
Prof. and all thinking.)
Prof. (suddenly).—
I have it—stop!
I think I have a meal-bag in my shop,
’Twill make a first-rate stomach, filled with straw;
A pair of wooden legs—keep still! be calm,
If I remember right, I have an arm.
Cara.—
Oh! that’s just splendid!
King.—
We don’t understand.
A pair of legs—explain it—we command!
Cara.—
Why father, don’t you see? He’ll make a beau.
Prof.—
Yes; manufacture one to order.
King.—
Oh!
Prof.—
I’ve often made ’em—nothing new to me—
Alchemic science—chemistry.
King.—
We see!
Prof.—
And now, as that is all arranged, my lord,
Suppose we shape and settle my reward.
King.—
Oh, yes! most true—we’re sorry it is so,
But as it happens—Saturday, you know—
On Saturday we’re always short. Good-bye!
We’ll see you soon, and settle. (Aside.) What a lie!
Prof.—
Excuse me, an advance must now be made,
Or else the lover’s clothes will be delayed.
Some money I must have to buy his hat,
His shoes and stockings, coat, and this and that.
King.—
Well, how much, then? (Angrily.)
Prof.—
Two dollars.
King.—
That’s too steep.
We haven’t it!
Prof.—
Well, then, the beau I’ll keep.
(Prof. turns to go out.)
Cara.—
Oh, pa!
King.—
We haven’t it!
(To Prof.) Now, look’ee here,
We think that price is very much too dear;
But we can make a compromise, we think,
We’ll give a dollar and seventy cents—in chink.
The other thirty cents cannot be paid
In cash; but take your pick of any maid
Of all these!
Maids.—
We won’t go!!
King (angrily shouting).—
The entire crew!!
Maids.—
No, sir!
Sassy.—
No, sir! (Coming forward.)
King.—
We’ll throw in Sassyfrass, too!!
Prof.—
It’s done! (Joyfully).
Maids.—
We won’t!
King.—
What!!
Sassy.—
We don’t mean offence,
But we’re not going to be sold for thirty cents.
We don’t mind being sold at our own price,
But sold for thirty cents—it isn’t nice.
(Music. Maids
and Sassy. all talk together—then
on last note all scream—Sassy. takes
up note.)
No. 12.
Sassy.—
We won’t be sold for thirty cents.
S. & Maids.—
{ No, we won’t. No, we won’t.
Others.—
{ Yes, you will. Yes, you will.
Sassy.—
We’ll scratch and bite in our defence.
S. & Maids.—
{ Yes, we will; we will.
Others.—
{ No, you won’t; you won’t!
Prof.—
Just listen now to reason.
S. & Maids.—
No, we won’t. No, we won’t.
King.—
We’ll hang you all for treason.
S. & Maids.—
No, you won’t. You can’t!
S. & Maids.—
{ No, you won’t; we’ll scratch.
Others.—
{ Yes, we will.
S. & Maids.—
{ No, you won’t; we’ll scream.
Others.—
{ Yes, we will; we will.
(Maids and
Sassy. all scream.)
2d Verse.
Sassy.—
We won’t go with him anywhere.
S. & Maids.—
{ No, we won’t. No, we wont.
Others.—
{ Yes, you will. Yes, you will.
Sassy.—
Stick pins and needles in his chair.
S. & Maids.—
{ Yes, we will; we will.
Others.—
{ No, you won’t; you won’t.
Chorus.—Same as first.
(Maids and
Sassy. scream, then talk loudly by
themselves, till stopped by King.)
King.—
Young females! stop this most unseemly burst,
You’re in the presence high of Nougat First.
(To Prof.) Professor! it is settled. Here’s the cash;
(Gives money to Prof.)
We’ll send these maids when they have grown less rash.
Prof.—
Now, Princess, I can find, as I have said,
The stomach, legs, an arm—perhaps a head.
We’ll put all these together in a wink;
With glue and hinges—then we’ll paint him pink;
But as to features—eyes, and hair, and nose,
As fine as we can make them, I suppose.
Cara.—
Oh yes!—a poem of beauty he must be,
As beautiful—as beautiful—let’s see. (Thinks.)
As beautiful as candy—Oh!—what fun—
Quick Sassyfrass!—a box of candy—run!
(Exit Sassy.
C. door.)
Oh won’t it be delightful—listen well,
And how I want his features made—I’ll tell.
(Music.) Prelude.
No. 13.
(Recit.) A box of candy I will give to you. In it you will find delicious choc’late creams and lemon drops, rose lozenges and sugar almonds, molasses candy, too, and soothing juju paste—but far above all others, you will find my caramels, of which his noble heart is to be made.
(Sings.) He must be fair.
King.—
(Explaining to Chemists.) He must be fair.
Prof. and Chemists.—
(Writing on slates.) He must be f-a-r-e. (Spelling word.)
Cara.—
With golden hair.
King.—
With golden hair.
Prof. and Chemists.—
(Writing.) With golden h-a-r-e.
All.—
He must be fair, with golden hair.
Cara. & King.—
{ Be ye sure to have it done.
Prof. & Chem’s.—
{ We’ll be sure to have it done.
All.—
He must be fair, with golden hair.
Cara. & King.—
{ Please attend to number one.
P. & Chem’s.—
{ We’ll attend to number one.
(Chemists keeping time by scratching on slates
with Pencils.)
2d Verse.
Cara.—
Voice free from screams.
King.—
Voice free from screams.
Prof. & Chemists.—
Voice free from s-k-r-ee-m-s.
Cara.—
Like choc’late creams.
King.—
Like choc’late creams.
Chemists.—
With a K.
All.—
Voice free from screams, like choc’late creams.
Cara. & King.—
{ As we say, so you must do.
P. & Chem’s.—
{ As you say, so we will do.
All.—
Voice free from screams, like choc’late creams.
Cara. & King.—
{ Please attend to number two.
P. & Chem’s.—
{ We’ll attend to number two.
3d Verse.
Cara.—
Heart which excels.
King.—
Heart which excels.
Prof. & Chemists.—(Writing.)
Heart which ex-c-e-l-z.
Cara.—
Like caramels.
King.—
Like caramels.
Prof. & Chemists.—
Like cara-m-e-l-z.
All.—
Heart which excels, like caramels.
Cara. & King.—
{ As we say, so it must be.
P. & Chem’s.—
{ As you say, so shall it be.
All.—
Heart which excels, like caramels.
Cara. & King.—
{ Please attend to number three.
P. & Chem’s.—
{ We’ll attend to number three.
(During last chorus enter
Sassy., C.
door, with box of candy.)
Sassy.—
Here is your candy. (Sullenly.)
Cara. (turning).—
Thank you.
(To Prof.) Now to work.
Here, take it. Stay, I’d better take a look.
Yes, that’s all right—but what!
(Starts back—screams.)
Oh! horror!!! Oh!!!
Quick!—Catch me.—Ah, I faint and fainter grow.
(King holds
Cara.—takes box.)
King.—
Great guns!!
Sassy.—
Why, what’s the matter?
Prof.—
Feel her pulse.
(Prof. feels
Cara.’s pulse.)
Ah, intermittent!—very!
King.—
What results?
Prof.—
Refrangible—refulgent!
Cara.—
Where am I?
Prof.—
Octagonal—organic!
King.—
Will she die?
Cara.—
Let me go!
(Cara. stands up.)
I’m better now!
King.—
Recovered?
Prof. (triumphantly).—
Told you so!
Cara.—
Where is it? Take it hence!—away!—depart!
That wicked, horrid, peppery Cinnamon Heart.
All.—
A Cinnamon Heart!!!
King.—
Where is it?
Cara. (pointing to box).—
There! in there!!
Oh take it out, the sight I cannot bear.
(King takes Cinnamon
Heart out of box, and shows it.)
King.—
Ah! here it is. A Cinnamon Heart! Now say,
What shall be done with it?
Cara.—
Throw it away!!
King.—
It don’t look like a disagreeable thing.
What’s bad about these Cinnamon Hearts?
Cara.—
They sting!!
King.—
Oh pshaw! I think they must be very nice.
No. 14.
(Low, weird music.)
(Tastes of Cin. Heart, and then begins to
jump about and yell with pain.)
Great guns! Oh! water—milk—apollinaris—ice!!
Quick! bring me something this distress to stop.
Ho! water! ice-cream!
Sassy.—
Take a lemon drop.
(Gives King
lemon drop out of box.)
King.—
Here, Sassyfrass, please take it out of sight,
And smash it—burn it—anything!
Sassy.—
All right.
(Sassy. takes Cin.
Heart from King.)
(Music.) (Lights down quickly. Moon.
Cara. recit.)
No. 15.
Cara.—
See, how fast the evening falls,
Night’s shadows softly creep along;
The silver moon fast rising o’er the hills,
And all in peace—is still.
(Interlude.)
No. 16.
Cara.—
How can we ever be at peace?
How feel that calm which peace imparts?
While candy-makers never cease
To manufacture Cinnamon Hearts?
All.—
——those Cinnamon Hearts,
——those Cinnamon Hearts.
Those puckery, fiery, very unsavory,
Peppery Cinnamon Hearts.
(Repeat chorus.)
2d Verse.
Cara.—
Life might be borne without gum-drops,
Nor cheered by even apple tarts;
But, oh! existence would be tops-
I-turvy quite with Cinnamon Hearts.
All.—
——with those Cinnamon Hearts,
——with those Cinnamon Hearts.
Those puckery, fiery, very unsavory,
Peppery Cinnamon Hearts.
(Repeat chorus.)
(At end of chorus, heavy crash of
thunder—cymbals and gong—then low music in minor. All
stop—frightened. Tableau.
Moon changes to blazing Cinnamon Heart in sky.)
Slow Curtain. (Total silence.)