Prof.—
Grind him up again.
Cara.—
Grind him up again.
All.—
Grind him up again,
Grindy—windy, windy, windy, windy, etc.
(All sing “windy, windy,” as acc. to solo
by Eben. Eben.
steps down from back, comes forward, takes up note and sings.)
Eben.—
Good morning all, (Bows.)
How do you do;
I believe it’s the thing
To bow to you;
I think it right
That I should state,
That I’m alive
And feel first rate;
Eben.—
{ I think it right,
Cara.—
{ Oh blessed sight,
Eben.—
{ And fortunate,
Cara.—
{ And fortunate,
Eben.—
{ And feel first rate.
Cara.—
{ And feel first rate.
All.—
Oh blessed sight,
And fortunate,
That he’s alive,
And feels first rate.
(Eben. shows
signs of disliking Chemists,
Suitors, and Maids,
and Prof. sends them out.)
Prof.—
Go!—he don’t like you!
(Exeunt Chemists,
Suitors, and Maids,
L.)
(Pointing to Eben.) There! miss.
Cara.—
Mighty seer!
Unequaled, famed, admired far and near,
How can I sing your praises, how reward
Your glorious—
King (interrupting).—
That’s enough!
(To Prof.) We can’t afford
To recompense you as we wish we could,
But we are pleased—your work is very good.
Cara.—
Ah! sir!—I thank you!—I can do no more.
(Turns to Eben.,
who, through all has been examining himself and things about him.)
(To Eben.) And you—you thank him with me, too.
Eben.—
What for?
(Eben. says following
in a low voice and uninterested manner.)
Cara.—
For having made you.
Eben.—
Well?
Cara.—
Oh, please be good,
And thank him with me—Ah!—I wish you would.
Eben.—
Why should I thank him—just observe that leg—
Is that a masterpiece—that wooden peg?
Is that the kind of thing to drag about?
It isn’t decent—there’s no sort of doubt;
And then, those thumbs—he’s put ’em wrong side on—
That left one should be like the other one.
They’re wrong—and then, he’s made me much too short;
I ought to have been taller—yes!—I ought;
And look at all that hair—that ugly nose;
Would you be satisfied with ears like those;
Cara.—
Don’t be so sad!
I think you’re lovely.
Eben.—
Then I hope you’re glad.
(Goes up to table, sits on it and swings his legs.)
Cara.—
I’m very glad—and think you should agree;
Now thank the kind Professor, please, for me.
Eben.—
I won’t!
Cara.—
Please! Don’t you like him?
Eben.—
No!
Cara.—
Why not?
Eben.—
Why should I—he’s no better than the lot.
They all are very ugly.
King.—
What’s he at?
Do you include your Pa-in-law in that?
Eben.—
Are you my Pa-in-law?
King.—
Your Pa-in-law!!
And shall expect more deference.
Eben.—
Oh pshaw!
King.—
What’s this? (Turning angrily.)
Cara.—
Oh! father, please leave him to me.
He don’t know any better—can’t you see?
Ah! charming lover!
Eben.—
Lover?
Cara.—
Yes; my beau.
You are to love and marry me.
Eben.—
Oh! ho!
Then that’s the reason why I have been made—
You might have asked me first.
Cara.—
Our plans were laid.
But are you sorry?
Eben.—
Yes; of course I am.
Cara.—
And don’t you care to live?
Eben.—
Don’t care a d——
All (very loud).—
Ahem!!!
King.—
Young man! What! in our presence do you swear?
Before King Nougat First?
Eben.—
Oh! I don’t care!
King.—
Good gracious!
Cara.—
Please, dear father, don’t you see
You’re taking his attention off from me?
My dearest, may I speak?
Cara.—
You are to love me dearly, and to wed
Whenever I am ready. And—what’s more—
I’m—ready now.
Eben.—
You said all that before.
Cara.—
Am I not pretty?
Eben.—
Rather.
Cara.—
Then your lot
Is not so very hard.
Eben.—
I’d rather not.
Cara.—
Ah, me! though cruel, still to him I cling;
Perhaps he will be kinder if I sing.
(Turns, weeping.)
No. 10.
(Music.)
Cara.—
Cans’t thou see me sadly crying?
Hoping still thy heart to move?
Eben.—
I’d rather not!
Cara.—
Cans’t thou still resist the sighing
Of a heart-imploring love?
Eben.—
I’d rather not!
Cara.—
Think what a beautiful wedding
We can have, if agreeable you are.
Eben.—
I’d rather not!
Cara.—
Expenses you needn’t be dreading,
For they will all be borne by pa.
Ah!
Flowers, and silk and satin for me;
Jewelry, wine, tobacco for thee.
A beautiful house, all shining and new,
With ebonized chairs and furniture for two.
Eben.—
But notwithstanding that, I’d rather not!
Cara. & Eben.—
Ah!
Cara.—
{ Flowers, and silk and satin for me.
Eben.—
{ Flowers, and silk and satin for thee,
Cara.—
{ Jewelry, wine, tobacco for thee.
Eben.—
{ Jewelry, wine, tobacco for me.
Cara.—
{ A beautiful house, all shining and new,
Eben.—
{ A beautiful house, all shining and new,
Cara.—
{ With ebonized chairs, and furniture for two.
Eben.—
{ With ebonized chairs, and furniture for two.
Cara.—
Oh! dearest, wilt thou be my beau? (Holds last note.)
Cara.—
Oh! dearest, please to be my beau. (Holds last note.)
Eben.—
I’d rather not; I tell you no!
Cara.—
{ To be married so happily, say, wilt thou go?
Eben.—
{ To be married so happily, I will not go!
Cara.—
{ He’d rather not.
Eben.—
{ I’d rather not.
(Cara. turns
slowly, weeping. Eben. still sits
on table and swings his legs.)
Cara.—
What shall I do? (Weeping.)
King.—
By all the Pins—of which I am the king—
If you don’t love my daughter, I will wring
Your neck, and have you taken by the ear
And pounded into jelly. Do you hear?
Yes; pounded! mashed up! Aye, reduced to slosh!
As quick as you can wink your eye!
Eben.—
Oh, bosh!
King.—
What? Bosh! to me?
Cara.—
Oh! sir, one last appeal;
Just one more chance to win him. He must feel
The weight of burning love. (Kneels to Eben.)
My own! My life!
A princess here implores to be your wife.
Oh! love me just a little.
Here I swear to worship you; to soften every care;
To comfort you in sorrow—all I vow,
If you will love me just a little now.
You do not answer. Haven’t you a heart?
Speak!—won’t you love me now?
Eben.—
I’d rather not.
King.—
It is enough!—the villain!
Cara. (turning angrily to Prof.)—
Nay! not so!
There!—is the villain! there!—our secret foe!
(Pointing to Prof.)
’Tis he!—I say!
King.—
What’s all this row about?
You’ve left some necessary organ out!
(Prof. falls on his knees.)
Prof.—
Oh, honored Nougat!—Mighty King!
King.—
Enough!
Cease complimenting!—I am in a huff.
(Calling.) Hey! chemists!!
(Enter Chemists
and Maids
L.—Suitors
look through window.)
King.—
What’s the row?
Prof.—
The vital organs all are in.
Chemists.—
We vow!
King.—
There’s something wrong!
Cara.—
His heart is what I miss.
Prof.—
He has a heart—I’m certain!
Sassy. (taking down heart mixture)—
What is this?
Prof.—
The mixture of the heart!!—Oh, woe is me!
But we can make him drink it!
Sassy. (aside to Maids).—
Now we’ll see!
We’re ducky darlings, are we!—Where’s his nurse?
For drinking that I think he’ll turn out worse.
(Prof. approaches Eben.
with heart mixture.)
Cara.—
But will it hurt him?
Prof.—
No! it’s nice and sweet!
It’s made of caramels, from your receipt.
Here, gentle creature.
(Offers mixture to Eben.)
Cara.—
If he only would!
Please drink the mixture, dearest!
Eben.—
Is it good?
Cara.—
Delicious! it will soften all your woes.
Sassy. (sarcastically).—
Oh, yes! it’s very soothing!
Eben.—
Well, here goes!
No. 11.
(Eben. takes
mixture from Prof. and drinks, then sings.)
Eben.—
I feel a sort of heavenly spirit!
I think there must be ginger in it.
(Drinks again.)
I now begin to feel more frisky!
I think it must be Bourbon whiskey.
(Drinks all.)
(Interlude. Eben.
begins to skip about and dance.)
No. 12.
(Pause—comes down.)
(Speaks.)
Ah! horrid thought—I have no name.
Great Heavens!!
(Turning to Cara.
and King.)
What’s my name!!—do you hear me?
What’s my name!!!
(Low music through following;
Eben. walks furiously up and down;
King and Prof.
speak low, down L.; while
Cara. stands deeply thinking
R.)
Cara.—
Good gracious! (Thinks.)
Prof.—
Murder!—here he has us flat.
He has no name—we didn’t think of that!
King.—
No name?—that’s so! We left it out—great guns!
(Pause, thinking.)
Great guns! great guns! great guns!
Professor, what’s the rhyme for guns?
Prof. (hurriedly, breaking into prose).—See! he’s getting very angry—it’s no time for rhyme now.—Speak in prose—quick, for gracious sakes! and think of something; get up some kind of a name, and tell him—if he gets mad it will ruin all!
King.—That’s a fact! He is getting very angry. I can’t think—you think of something, Professor—he’s scowling at me!
Prof.—I see the force of your argument, and also observe the satanic depression of the eye-brows you refer to; but, for the life of me, I can’t think of anything but Johnny.
King.—Well, call him Johnny—quick!
Prof. (turning to Eben).—Ahem! your name is—
Cara. (suddenly coming front).—Oh! I have it! It is a name I always wanted my lover to have. How lucky it was that I remembered it. Oh! it’s perfectly lovely!
No. 13.
Cara.—
Oh! goddess fair. Ah! heavenly maid;
Thou of Cyprian fame;
In giving me this name—
This most delightful name.
No earthly radiance can compare,
In beauty, with this name so fair.
All.—
No earthly radiance can compare.
Cara.—
This name for which I long have sought,
Before which other names are naught;
Most beautiful and charming name—
Most exquisite and lovely name.
All.—
A pleasant sound it has, no doubt.
So now, at once, let’s have it out,
That name—at once—let’s have it out,
Is—
Cara.—
E-b-eb-e-n-ez-e-r, spells Ebenezer,
And R-i-l-e-y, spells Riley;
Ebenezer Riley is his name.
All.—
E-b-eb-e-n-ez-e-r, spells Ebenezer,
And R-i-l-e-y spells Riley.
Ebenezer Riley is his name.
Cara.—
Oh! beautiful!
Eben (angrily).—
’Tis damnable!
All.—
Oh! beautiful!
Eben.—
No; damnable!
All.—
We think it beautiful!
Eben.—
Damnable! damnable!
Damnable! damnable, etc.
(Ad lib., until it leads into)
No. 14.
Eben.—
Odious creatures! you’ve used me vilely,
To give me such a name as Ebenezer Riley.
Bah!
Bah! bah! bah! bah!
(Walking up and down furiously.)
All.—
How he’s raving! how he’s storming!
Oh! I wish we’d given him another name.
This is really quite alarming,
I’m awful sorry that I came,
I’m awful sorry that I came;
I’m sorry that I came,
I’m sorry that I came.
Eben.—
Since you’ve named me Ebenezer—
Ground me out of that hanged old freezer;
And have worked your plans so slyly,
By adding on the name of Riley,—
Since it’s so you’ll find me a teazer;
I’m going to get on my Ebenezer.
Since it’s so I will be rily.
With a vengeance I will rile.
All.—
How he’s raving! how he’s storming!
Oh! I wish we’d given him another name.
This is really quite alarming,
I’m awful sorry that I came,
I’m awful sorry that I came;
I’m sorry that I came,
I’m sorry that I came.
Eben.—
{ Oh! I will break up all your furniture and paraphernalia.
Cara. & S.—
{ See!! how he’s raving!
Chorus.—
{ Oh!—just—see—how—he—is—rav—ing!
Eben.—
{ I will exterminate, and devil a thing that can avail ye;
Cara. & S.—
{ Strangely behaving.
Chorus.—
{ How—in—de—cent—ly—be—hav—ing.
Eben.—
{ Break all your window-glass and play the dickens generally.
Cara. & S.—
{ Sad, this is getting.
Chorus.—
{ This—is—get—ting—most—vex—a—tious.
Eben.—
{ Yes! I will raise the very deuce!
Cara. & S.—
{ And alarming, too,
Chorus.—
{ And—a—larm—ing—too—good—gra—cious!
Eben.—
{ Oh! I will break up all your furniture and paraphernalia.
Cara. & S.—
{ Oh! dear me. Oh! dear me?
Chorus.—
{ ” ”
”
” ”
”
Eben.—
{ I will exterminate, and devil a thing that can avail ye.
Cara. & S.—
{ Can it be That is he?
Chorus.—
{ ” ”
”
” ”
”
Eben.—
{ Break all your window-glass, and play the dickens generally.
Cara. & S.—
{ Oh! dear me. Can it be?
Chorus.—
Eben.—
{ Yes! I will raise the very deuce!!
Cara. & S.—
{ That is he.
Chorus.—
{ ” ”
”
(Eben. seizes glass
retort and chases all out—Prof. dodges
behind table and Eben. chases him
around—breaks retort.)
(Curtain.)