ACT III.
(Same scene as First Act, but windows all broken and everything smashed—placard nailed up: “Recruits Wanted!!” “Expedition Against Ebenezer Riley.” Telephone hung by L. C. door.)
(Curtain rises upon Suitors, worn and dejected looking, sitting in a row on back wall, holding guitars, all fast asleep.)
No. 1.
(Music.)
(Music gradually gets louder—at each rise
of music, a suitor yawns and awakes.)
1st Suitor (awakening, yawns).—
Ah——a!
(Pause for music.)
2d Suitor.—
Ah——a!
(Pause.)
3d Suitor.—
Ah——a!
(Pause.)
4th Suitor.—
Ah——a!
(Pause.)
5th Suitor.—
Ah——a!
(Pause.)
6th Suitor.—
Ah——a!
All (yawning).—
Ah!—Ah!—Ah!—Ah!—
(Then continue in monotone.)
All.—
Oh! how cold and stiff I am,
Is it morning yet?
Can the music of the guitar melt the heart
Of the daughter of the King?
No!—the music of the guitar can not melt
The heart of the daughter of the King.
We have played all the tunes we know;
This is the only one we have left,
And still she is not melted!
No. 2.
(Music for King’s
entrance.)
(Enter King
C. door, in night-gown and cap, with
sceptre.)
King.—
Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown;
The live-long night, since e’er I laid me down,
Such horrid sounds—such vile, unearthly yells
Have echoed hence, as ’twere from deepest hells;
That slumber, filled with horror at it, fled,
And left me to my loneliness—in bed.
From hence, it came.
(Looks around—sees
Suitors—starts.)
Good gracious! Oh! it’s you?
Suitors (very meekly).—
Yes! please your Highness.
King.—
You’re a handsome crew!
Suitors.—
Yes! please your Highness.
King.—
Were you here all night?
Suitors.—
Yes! please your Highness.
King.—
Did you come to fight?
Suitors.—
Yes! please your Highness.
King.—
You enlist with me?
Suitors.—
Yes! please your Highness.
King.—
Then we all agree?
This Ebenezer Riley we must kill.
You swear to sweep him from the earth.
Suitors (very loud).—
We will!!
(Suitors all get
down from wall, and come forward.)
King.—
That’s right!—Hey! captain!
(1st S. comes forward.)
We must have the head
Of Ebenezer Riley—’live or dead.
Your regiment—’tis ready?
Capt. (1st Suitor).—
Fully manned!
Besides this regiment, I’ve brought a band.
King.—
’Tis well!—march out the army!
Capt.—
’Tention—all!!
Four’s right by two along that garden wall.
Left wheel, and form a parabolic arch,
And stop right in the centre—forward—march!
(6th S. marches to centre with gun.)
King.—
Ah!—that’s our army, is it?—fine display!
We’ve never turned out finer than to-day.
Capt.—
He’s the only one
Who knows the way to fire off that gun—
It’s dangerous.
King.—
Indeed!—this man will suit;
We want an army who knows how to shoot—
You think he’s fierce?
Capt.—
He’s thirsting for the fight!
(To 6th S.) You’re thirsting, ar’n’t you?
(Listening intently to 6th S.)
(Turning to King.) Yes!—he is!
King.—
That’s right!
And brave?
Capt. (To 6th S.).—
You’re brave?
(Listening to 6th S.) He says he longs for gore!
King.—
And when he’s got it?
Capt. (to 6th S.).—
When you’ve got it?
(Listening—then to King.) More!!!
King.—
Ah! that’s a martial spirit fine to see;
I’ve rarely known a bolder soul than he.
6th S. (timidly).—
Dear Captain!
Capt. (to King).—
Ah!—excuse me—
(Listening to 6th S.—then aloud.) Very well!
(To King.)
Before he goes, he wishes you would tell
The size and nature of this villain.
King.—
Don’t he know
Our wicked, treacherous, and hated foe?
This Ebenezer Riley, fierce and bad,
Who roams about our country raving mad,
Who’s cutting all our water pipes, and gas,
And breaking all our French plate window glass:
Upsetting all our hay-stacks—throwing stones,
Destroying the wires of our telephones.
We tell you we won’t stand it any more;
And to make certain we have passed this law.
(King unrolls
large proclamation. Music. Then King sings.)
No. 3.
King (spoken).—Section one!
(Sings.)
Nougat First the King of Pins,
(Aside.) (This is the way the law begins.)
First!
(Quickly and in monotone.)
Whereas, A person calling himself Ebenezer Riley, has, by force and arms, cut the water pipes of our realm; cut the gas pipes of our realm; broken the window glass of our realm; upset the hay-stacks of our realm; frightened the women of our realm; prowled about our realm; and generally hurt, scared, damaged, terrified, and seriously deranged our realm;
Be it Resolved!
All.—Ebenezer Riley must be hanged!
(Telephone bell rings;—King goes back C., and speaks through it.)
King.—Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Central office! Hey? Central office! Central office!!! (Aside.) (The central office is a little off his base.) Hey? Of course I did! Connect me with central barracks. Yes, they are too! Look in the Directory! Hey? Well, why didn’t you do it before? What’s that you say? I heard you!—you confounded—(Whispers in telephone.) What? You’d better pay attention to business, or I will. Hullo!—Central guard house and barracks! Of course it is.—Hey? Yes! Nougat First! Well, you’d better! Have you seen Ebenezer Riley this morning? Has he done anything in particular this A.M.? Can’t you understand? Has he done anything in particular this A.M.? Has-he-done-any-thing-in-par-tic-u-lar-this-D.-A.-M.!! Well, why didn’t you say so—(By George!!) that’s the worst yet! Why didn’t you stop him? Get it mended, then, so that it will shoot. Oh, tell them to charge it. Yes, they will—they know me. Riley broke it?—(Oh! the villain!) He does, hey? Was he coming very rapidly? What? Oh! More indignities, more destruction! (Very angry.) I’ll fix him! (Smiles.) You don’t say so! Of course we can. Is he there now? (Laughs.) That’s the best I’ve heard yet. Well! Be sure that nobody wakes him. Hey? Oh! Good-bye. (Comes down.) By George!
(Sings.) Whereas, This person aforesaid, calling himself Ebenezer Riley, has gone and been and laid himself down upon the lea side of a convenient haystack, and whereas he has with him only a broom handle and two bricks, and whereas, besides all this, he is fast asleep and snoring like mad;
Be it resolved:
All.—Ebenezer Riley must be hanged!
(While King
is singing enter Cara. and
Sassy. L.,
who stand, listening L.,
back.)
Cara. (to Sassy.).—
What does this mean?
(To King.)
What do you mean, I say.
Oh, father dearest! tell me quick, I pray!
What means this proclamation—what is wrong?
My former suitors here in raging throng;—
Why is that regiment equipped for war?
The reason why he scowls?
King.—
He thirsts for gore,
For Riley gore, alas! with pain I tell,
But Riley is behaving far from well.
Cara.—
What has he done?
King.—
I’ll tell you by-and-by.
But ’twon’t avail, for Riley’s doomed to die.
Cara.—
Oh, father dear, have pity! Oh, be kind,—
With Ebenezer’s fortune I’m entwined.
I beg—implore you—by yon heavenly dome,
By all the stones of our ancestral home,
By yonder moat, so full of little snakes,
Which you delight to feed with buckwheat cakes.
(King weeps.)
He weeps! he yields!
King (sobbing).—
My daughter, we relent;
We will abandon our unjust intent;—
But no!—the martial fire in us burns.
We are a King! and nothing ever turns
A sovereign from his purpose—we must go,
But we will do it very, very slow.
Cara.—
But if you find my Ebenezer dear?
King.—
We’ll capture him alive, and bring him here;
If he will love you fondly, and behave,
We’ll save him from a disagreeable grave.
But if he won’t——
Cara.—
Oh! that’s a kind papa;
He will behave—Ah! what a dear you are.
(Kisses King.)
King.—
But now, to action—captain!
King.—
All ready?
Capt.—
Yes! your Highness.
King.—
Give the word.
Capt.—
Attention comp’ny!—sure you understand,
We’ll have a little prelude by the band,
Who’ll play us one of their most martial psalms,
Then march when I command you;
(Aloud.) Shoulder arms!
(Band plays prelude with orchestra, and
also accompaniment to song, 6th S. silent drill.)
No. 4.
King.—
We go to death and carnage,
And probably to wounds,
But we shall take this band along,
To play inspiring tunes;
So do your duty bravely,
And fight your very worst,
For every deed will be observed
By mighty Nougat First.
All.—
Ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—
(All mark time.)
So forward march to glory, and honor, and fame,
So that we shall earn, when we return,
A highly illustrious name.
So forward march, to glory, and honor, and fame,
So that we shall earn, when we return,
A highly illustrious name.
(March about stage during chorus.)
2d Verse.
King.—
This Riley is a bad one,
The truth I will not hide,
And when my daughter called him “sweet,”
She obviously lied;
But he who crushes him shall be
Most richly reimbursed,
By being made the son-in-law
Of mighty Nougat First.
All.—
Ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—
Chorus (same as first.)
(All keep step and march, at last chorus.)
(King marches
around by himself, singing loudly—goes to R.
gate, turns and says,)
King.—
I go to face the horrors of war,
The horrors of war,
Au-reservoir, (waving hand.)
(Exit King
R. gate.)
(Pause.)
Cara.—
Ah me! I fear that trouble will arise,
Though Ebenezer dear is twice the size
Of that blood-thirsty army, still, he’s armed
And Ebenezer isn’t—if he’s harmed
I don’t know what I’ll do—I’d like to know
Why Ebenezer is behaving so;
Before he drank that mixture he was good.
And would have been so sweet—I know he would.
(Enter Professor,
slowly, carpet-bag, large comb and brush under his arm, reading a
large book.)
Prof. (solil.)—
Yes!—here it is—the very point I sought,
All night I’ve read, and wrestled with great thought,
And now I have it—Princess, where’s your pa.
Cara.—
My father, sir, has gone—
Prof.—
What!
Cara.—
Gone to war
’Gainst Mr. Riley—and I think he means
To split and smash him into smithereens.
Prof.—
To smithereens—to smithereens—Lost!! Lost!!
To think of all the time and thought he’s cost;
I’d just discovered—here—a recipe,
By which to change him good as he should be—
It’s just my luck.
Cara.—
What have you found?
Prof.—
Observe—
Guy Fawkes’s hair was parted in a curve,
Dick Turpin’s parting, in a cue was hid,
But probably, ’twas just like Captain Kidd,
Whose hair was parted in a side-long course,
Also the men who kidnapped Charlie Ross;
Jeff Davis, Cettawayo, Robespierre,—
All wicked men, thus parted wore their hair;
You see the point—these wicked men defied
Kind nature’s laws by parting on the side;
George Washington’s was parted, so I’ve read,
Ben Franklin, Martin Luther, Newton, too,
Mark Twain and Kit Columbus, Richelieu;
Diogenes, Ben Butler, Cicero,
Moody and Sankey, and others you well know.
All these good men, without the barber’s art,
Had hair which curled out from a centre part.
Now, Riley’s hair is frizzled in a bang,
Which places him among the wicked gang.
I found this point within that ancient tome,
And could have cured him with this brush and comb.
Cara.—
Oh! try it, sir.
Prof.—
They’ve gone!
Cara.—
It’s not too late!
Oh! find my pa!
Prof.—
I will, as sure as fate!
(Exit Prof.,
running, large gate R.)
Cara.—
Yes, he is right. (Looking around audience.)
(Solil.) I see it everywhere!
This side and middle parting of the hair.
I see—(looking about audience)—
That underneath each centre part
There is a softness both of head and heart;
And if a parting on the side there be,
The head and heart is hard.
(Looking about the audience.)
Yes, so I see.
Ah! if that dear Professor is in time,
’Twill save my love from danger—pa from crime.
I wonder why my Eben. rages so,
That he to our caress returns a blow.
That mixture was the cause of all this pain,
(Looking at Sassy.,
who cries.)
And trouble—why, you’re crying once again!
Sassy.—
Oh, Princess! I have suffered for a week,
And cannot stand it longer. I must speak!
I did it!
Cara.—
Sassyfrass!
Sassy.—
Oh, Princess dear!
I must confess—my crime you now shall hear.
No. 5.
(Music. Sassy.
comes forward and sings.)
Sassy.—
When Ebenezer’s vital senses
A-brooding over his offences,
We entered the Professor’s den,
For vengeance in our hearts was raging.
With wicked zeal we wished to spoil
The beauteous work that he was making—
The grand result of years of toil.
(Cara. and
Sassy. dance around together, both
weeping.)
Cara.—
What is this story I hear?
Sassy.—
Pardon me, Princess dear!
Cara.—
Poor Ebenezer!
(Both.)
What shall I do?
Heavy and troubled my heart;
Sorry and gloomy my lot.
Sad is my heart!
Sad is my heart!
2d verse.
Sassy.—
Upon a shelf we found the mixture,
Containing all the preparation
For making of the heart a fixture
Secure in Ebenezer’s frame.
We poured the mixture in a mortar.
And then with vile and wicked art
We did a thing we hadn’t oughter,
We pounded in that Cinnamon Heart.
(Duet—same as first—both dancing and weeping.)
No. 6.
(Hurried music—girls stop expectant,
Cara. front
R., Sassy.
back L.—great noise—enter
King, with bloody nose, over wall—runs
across.)
King.—
The foe! the foe! the foe!
(Exit quickly, C.
door—enter Capt. in same way.)
Capt.—
Oh! what a dreadful blow!
(Exit same way—enter 2d
Suitor in same way.)
2d S.—
Ah! bitter, bitter woe! (Drops tin drum.)
(Exit C.
door—enter 3d S.)
3d S.—
Tremendous overthrow!
(Exit C.
door—enter 4th S.)
4th S.—
We are pursued—I know!
(Exit C.
door—enter 5th S.)
5th S.—
He’s right out there, below!
6th S.—
That old gun wouldn’t go!
(Throws down gun, and exit
C. door.)
Sassy.—
I know that I can go.
(Exit C.
door.)
Cara.—
My beau! my beau!
(Stands waiting.)
(Drawbridge raised from inside—pause—then
noise, and Eben. jumps over wall,
rushes to C., picks up gun,
turns to castle and speaks furiously.)
Eben.—
Hi yar! hoo raw! Where are those bloody wretches?
I very nearly had them in my clutches.
Come out, you rascals! show your ugly faces,
And I will pound you black and blue, like blazes.
Come out! Come out! You, Nougat 1st—you coward!
You’re quicker far at running back, than forward.
Come out, I say! Send out that valiant army.
Ho! send it out, I say!—it won’t alarm me.
Why don’t it come? Perhaps it doesn’t care to.
Ha! ha!—You dirty cowards, you don’t dare to.
Come out, you crows!—you black and ugly jack-daws!
You can’t escape—that castle has no back doors.
I know it well—I’ve been about here often.
Come out! Perhaps your arguments can soften
My righteous anger. Ha! why don’t you try it?
My anger’s cheap—it’s possible to buy it.
Yes! I’ll relent if bags of gold are showered.
(Aside.) He hasn’t any gold. (Aloud.) Come out, you coward!
You won’t come out? I’ll drag you out and pound you
Like that! and that! and that! and that! etc.
(Pounds on tin drum ad lib. with gun—knocks it
about until in front of Cara.—sees her, and stops suddenly.)
(Pause.)
(Eben. and
Cara. looking at each other.)
Cara. (softly).—
My love!
(Pause.)
My love!
Eben. (astonished).—
A spirit!!
Cara.—
Nay, my dear!
I’m not a spirit—there’s no spirit here.
I’m Caramella; still in love, and true
Eben.—
Ha! it’s you!!!
(Springs at Cara.,
seizes her and begins to squeeze her in anger—likes it and changes
manner.)
I’ll have your blood, in spite of all appeals.
I’ll squeeze you into shreds!
(Aside.) How nice it feels.
(Business. Puts arm around
Cara.’s waist—both come down.)
You can’t be Caramella—she was plain;
And you are sweet:
(Aside.) I’m going to squeeze again.
(Embraces and kisses Cara.)
There! are you angry? Nay—you smile at this.
You seem to like it. Is it wrong to kiss?
But though ’gainst worldly fashion or its law,
I’ll brave the consequence, and kiss once more.
But where?—your lips? Your cheek is softer far.
Your hair?—Your eyes are softer than your hair.
What shall I kiss? You like it?—then command.
Cara. (looking at audience).—
They’re looking at us.
Eben.—
Then I’ll kiss your hand.
(Kneels and kisses
Cara.’s hand.)
And this is Caramella; is she changed,
Or have I been demented, mad, deranged?
I didn’t like her manner; it appeared
As if she thought I ought to be endeared
Immediately to her; which, of course,
I didn’t do.
Cara.—
Why not?
Eben.—
Oh! I felt cross.
I don’t like to be ordered here and there;
I have too many troubles now to bear.
Cara.—
And have you troubles? Share them, dear, with me.
Eben.—
I’ve troubles, yes—particularly three;
I’d like to find out by what moral right
A lot of city swells come out to fight
And chase me ’round the country—that’s the first.
And then I have a most infernal thirst,
As if I’d eaten pepper, salt, or cinnamon,—
Cara.—
Ah! Cinnamon!!!
Eben.—
Yes, and when it’s once begun,
The pain is terrible—so sharp and tart,
A burning feeling—like a fiery flame.
But worst of all my troubles is my name.
Cara.—
Oh, I will share that!
Eben. (aside).—
Now—what can she mean,
How can she share that trouble—am I green?
(Aloud.) No!—I suppose I’ll always be stared at
As “Ebenezer Riley”—think of that!
It pains me—but the name is for a man.
You couldn’t share a man’s name.
Cara.—
Yes, I can!
Dear Ebenezer! (Sweetly.)
Eben. (starting).—
Ah!—say that again;
That sounds delightful!—that don’t give me pain;
That’s quite a pretty name!—Oh say it more,
It never sounded beautiful before.
Cara.—
Oh!—Ebenezer. (Sweetly.)
Eben.—
Lovely!!—why, it’s fine,
I wouldn’t know the name—it can’t be mine,
It’s much too good—a little while ago,
You said you’d share it—now I want to know
How that can be?
Cara. (coyly).—
By getting married!
Eben.—
How?
We marry?—well, I rather like it now;
Yes!—that’s a fine idea.
Cara.—
Ah!—now you’re good,
I’m very glad that you have understood;
I was afraid you wouldn’t—now let’s talk
Of our plans—and take a little walk;
We have a pretty garden over there,
(Pointing L.)
It’s my especial property and care,
And as we walk—we will beguile the way
By saying pretty things—
Eben.—
Yes!—so I say;
I’ll whisper, first, those pretty things to thee,
Then you must answer pretty things to me.
No. 7.
(Music.)
(Eben. sings.)
Eben.—
A tender fragrance fills the air,
The flowers bloom when thou art near;
Rivulets stop to listen
Rushing away with passion torn,
Never at peace when thou art gone.
But thou art here,
Ah!—my dear.
Never shall we parted be,
Never a clouded sky;
Never a shadow fall to thee,
Never a troubled sigh!
(Interlude.)
2d Verse.
Eben.—
To thee—cold fate no ill can bring,
The rose—no thorn, the bee—no sting,
Melody fills all nature,
Hoping to hear thee sing;
Clashing aloud in accents mad,
Weeping again when thou art sad;
But thou art glad,
Ah!—my dear!
Never shall we parted be,
Never a clouded sky,
Never a shadow fall to thee,
Never a troubled sigh.
(Eben. holds
Caramella’s hand—suddenly starts—looks
around—sniffs and smells and starts away.)
Eben. (furiously),—
I smell carbonic acid—phosphorus,
That vile Professor!!
Cara.—
He can’t trouble us,
He’s not here!
Eben.—
Well—perhaps I may be wrong,
My sense of smelling, though, is very strong.
Ah dearest. (Very tenderly.)
(Again changes manner—sniffs and smells—starts back.)
(Violently.) Lager!!—I smell lager beer!
That King—that coward Nougat has been here;
I know he has!
Cara.—
Oh what a silly man,
Now do be good and pleasant, if you can.
I dream of you as charming—Ah! those dreams!
(Eben. smiles sweetly.)
That’s right—that’s how you look.
(King looks out of window.)
(Eben. and
Cara. turn and see
King.)
Cara.—
Oh!—there’s Papa! (Joyfully.)
Eben. (satirically).—
Yes!—there’s Papa!
Cara.—
Oh—come!
Come down and see us—we are waiting.
King (doubtingly).—
Hum!!
(Aside to Cara.) He’s safe?
Cara.—
I’ve made of him a perfect cure.
Eben. (through teeth.)
Oh yes!—I’m cured!
(Aside.) I have him this time, sure!!
(Eben. picks up
gun, and begins to turn back cuffs—King
leaves window.)
Cara.—
Oh!—isn’t this delightful—here we are,
All three united—you and I, and Pa.
Eben. (satirically).—
Oh yes!—it’s very pleasant.
(Enter King
C. door—comes forward very
blusteringly.)
King.—
Ah!—how do!
How are you Riley—glad to welcome you.
I didn’t know that you were here—before;
Come, shake hands and be friends again!
Eben. (yelling).—
Hoo—raw!!
(Turns and jumps at
King with gun.)
I have you this time—lone and overpowered,
And now I’ll give you fits—you bloody coward.
(Chasing and hitting King.)
Cara.—
Oh!—Ebenezer!!
King (running).—
Murder!!—help!!
Eben. (chasing and striking King).—
Hoo—raw!!
(King
falls—Ebenezer strikes as he speaks.)
Take that!—and that!—and that!—and more!
Take that!—and that!—and that!—(etc. ad lib. until
(Suitors rush
in—capture Eben.—Suitors
sit on him.)
(King rises
slowly and rubs himself.)
King.—
Good gracious!—Oh!—my back.
Capt.—
We have him tight!
Cara.—
Don’t hurt him!
Eben.—
Let me go and I will fight
The whole ungainly pack of you—let go
Unhand me!!
(Struggles to get free—rises but is held
by Suitors.)
King.—
Silence!!
King.—
No!
Just take him to the dungeon—let me see,
The darkest and most dirty—forty-three—
In forty-three secure him to the floor
With irons—pound and kick him ’till he’s raw;
Scrape him with files—put him upon the rack—
Let’s see—what else—Oh—cauterize his back.
That’s all I think——
Cara.—
Oh Father—Father!
King (to Capt.).—
Go!!
(Exeunt Capt.
and Suitors, leading
Eben.—Cara.
sinks down sobbing.)
Cara. (starting up).—
I pray you Father—
King (aside).—
Here it comes—I know.
Cara.—
Oh Father—dearest Father—hear me now,
I charge you, Father—yes—by all your—
King (interrupting, and calling loudly).—
Captain!!
(Aside.) I’m not going to be wheedled over to mercy—if she charges me I know I’ll explode.
(Enter Capt.)
(Loudly.) Captain, I say—well—what do you
Stand there looking at——
Why don’t you bring him out?
Capt.—
Who—Riley?
King.—
Of course—Riley—who else should
I mean—why don’t you obey me, sir?
Bring him out!
Capt.—
Yes, sir.
King.—
Bring a block!
Capt.—
Yes, sir.
King.—
Bring the executioner!
Capt.—
Yes, sir.
King (low).—And captain, invite all the maids to the execution—25 cents a ticket—they’ll pay it. (Loud.) Well—why don’t you obey—do you hear me?
(Exit Capt., hurriedly.)
(King walks up and down, mumbling to himself—Cara. sobbing down R.)