The Comic Almanack, Volume 1 / An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities

THE GAIETIES OF TOM GAD.

10. King of Hanover claims some of the Crown Jewels of England.

20. West Middlesex Assurance bubble burst. Creditors in the suds.

Short days.

This elegant production was painted on a sheet of paper with a lace border, and presented a singular mixture of sentiment and improbability, viz.—a little boy, in a species of undress which the police would certainly prohibit from becoming the general fashion, riding in a car, like an enormous periwinkle shell turned topsy-turvy, upon wheels, and drawn by two pigeons—a proceeding of which every thinking mind must admit the impracticability, since the atmospheric resistance of the birds' wings could never afford sufficient fulcrum to draw so large a vehicle with any momentum, especially with cowslip collars and rosebud traces.—[See Proceed. of Chawturmut Lit. and Scien. Inst., p. 30.] A church with a pointed spire and two windows was seen in the distance, perfecting this tasteful composition of protestant mythology. At each corner were intricate red loops, like mud-worms in convulsions, termed true lovers' knots; and below were eight exquisite and novel lines, of which we present the reader with the termini, leaving him to fill them up as he pleases:—"heart—smart," "languish—anguish," "flame—name," "you be mine—Valentine."

What do you think? Mr. Pippy, the young apothecary, who came down here to take our union of fourteen parishes at £20 a-year, has sent me a Valentine. Not a common, impudent penny one of an old maid, with cats and parrots all about her, but a beautiful picture of a little Cupid—such a love!—riding in a thingemygig, drawn by two what-d'ye-call-'ems, with—oh, my!—eight lovely verses underneath. I know it's from him, because it's scented all over with the best Turkey rhubarb and oil of peppermint, and I found a small piece of pill adhering to the envelope—how a trifle betrays the secrets of the heart! My mind is all in a titter-totter—do come and see me.

The auricles of my heart contract with accelerated circulation as I pen these lines. I can no longer conceal that my love is as firmly fixed upon you, as with a solution of gum-arabic. Are your affections free for me? and may they be taken immediately, and repeated every four hours with one of the powders?—alas! I scarce know what I write. I have already directed a dozen draughts to the wrong people: one old lady has swallowed half a pot of ringworm ointment, and Mrs. Jones has been rubbing her little boy's head with lenitive electuary. You alone can write the prescription that shall administer to my incertitude.

We have given a small party, and he has formally proposed. He was very timid at first, but it was the red wine negus that did it, for Mamma very kindly made it pretty strong, and gave him a good dose, immediately upon my singing—"I'd marry him to-morrow." He says he has loved me "ever since he first saw me at church in that beautiful cloak." My dear, it was my old pelisse, which I had turned, made into a capucine, and lined with blue Persian; but love gilds everything by its magic: possibly it converted my last year's straw bonnet into a Tuscan chip. It is pouring in torrents, and they say if it goes on we must have a flood. He is sitting at his surgery window, looking at me, between the red and blue bottles, with a spy-glass.

How uncertain is everything in this world! I was to have been married to-day to the loveliest of her sex, but the floods have so risen, that nothing but the roof of the church is visible. It began yesterday morning, when the canal banks broke, and increased with such rapidity, that I was compelled to spend the day on the dining-table, and am now driven to the second floor, with no provision but a flask of lamp oil and some tooth powder. The sick paupers of the Union I attend have just arrived on a barge, which has got aground on the bridge. The bell-ringers, also, who were practising in the belfry when the irruption took place, are fast enclosed therein—the doors being under water, and the windows too small to get out at. They are ringing for help, and the sound is awfully painful, as it was to have been my bridal peal. A letter has just been brought by Tom Johnson, in a mash-tub, from my adored Celia; I hasten to read it.

Do not, I implore you, think too much of Hero and Leander. Our rustic Hellespont is far too cold for you to plunge into and swim across, and such a proceeding might excite the gossip of our neighbours. Let us endure this trial with patience. The waters are certainly abating, as the French bed in our back room is now visible, and John has caught three fine eels in the pillow-case, which I send you, as well as my pet Carlo, who will swim back with any answer you may have to send.

Married, on the 28th inst., Phineas Pippy, Esq., to Celia, daughter of Anthony Potts, Esq. The ceremony, which was delayed by the late floods, was performed as soon as the waters sufficiently fell—the party going to the altar in a punt.

14. Crockford cuts the cards, and throws up the game.

16. Lord Cardigan's trial and acquittal.

21. The Pennard Cheese.

26. Explosion of the great projectile in Essex.—Lots of calves frightened to death, all for the public weal.

28. Conviction at Worship-street, for selling spurious T, which shows the necessiT of avoiding an uncertainT.

It is at all times a pleasing task to chronicle heroic deeds, and we hasten to immortalize the proceedings of this gallant body of veterans during the past year. Amongst their most daring and successful attempts, have been the taking possession of Eel Pie Island; the storming of the baked apple-stand, at Temple Bar; the blockade of Bolt-court, and the celebrated passage of the Paddington Canal, under the direction of General Blackrag, the great city undertaker, to whom the attack was entrusted, from his experience, as he himself stated, in marching at the head of the corps. He was ably seconded by his usual auxiliary, Dr. Bluelight, the former providing the shells, and the latter the mortars, the combined effects of which produced terrific execution. From the usual habits of the troop, it may readily be conceived that counter marching was the manœuvre at which they felt most at home; in fact, the only idea they had of "a regular march," was the one between February and April. During their encounters, they have given and taken no quarter, except an occasional fore one of lamb; whilst their undaunted courage was well shown in the speech of Ensign Miggins, who declared "that he would never shrink from coming to the pint, even against a rampart of quartz;" and his unshaken energy in bearing the standard was never known to flag, firm as its contemporary in Cornhill. Their acknowledged love of card-playing having induced some unpleasant gambling transactions, it has been resolved, by the head of the members, to prevent all legs from bearing arms in their body; and a late regulation orders the colour of their plumes to be a deep crimson, not only as emblematical of blood and glory, but from its precluding the possibility of any one, at any time, showing a white feather. It is truly delightful to contemplate the harmony which reigns amongst them at present; and it it somewhat remarkable, considering their aptitude for catches of all sorts, that they have made no prisoners. The only approach to anything like discord in the troop, was upon the occasion of the dispute relative to a contemplated attack upon Burgundy and Madeira; but even this added to the general harmony, since, although the dinner service was demolished in the contention, this one war was productive of one hundred peaces; and it furthermore enabled the members to present to their friends several unique pieces of plate, at a small outlay. We are indebted to their laureate for the following—

WAR SONG OF THE LUMBER TROOP.

HIGH TREASON.

March 16.

The boy Jones found feasting in the larder at the palace.

7. A wooden spoon presented by an old woman to the Queen.

14. Reported destruction of the Falls of Niagara.

REGISTER OF INVENTIONS FOR 1841.

Some excitement has been caused among the learned bodies on the Continent, by the discovery of a new Chlorine Bleaching Fluid, of novel and unexampled powers, the invention of which is due to Professor Jügler, of Scampsburgen. Not only has it the power of removing the most permanent stains from a person's character, but it also clears the most muddy conscience in the course of a few applications; and a small quantity applied to the head as a lotion is gradually absorbed and filters through the brain, removing in its course all unpleasant reminiscences and uncomfortable thoughts. Its mollifying powers have been tested on a number of the hardest substances, including the heart of a metaphysician, which, in a few seconds, it entirely humanized. Diluted with water, and sprinkled on the floor, it purifies Houses of Parliament, Lawyers' Offices, Private Lunatic Asylums, Cheap Schools, and Race-course Betting-stands; and, used medicinally, a few drops, taken internally, blunt the intellect, and if administered before a trial, will totally destroy any souvenir of a former event that it may be deemed advisable to get rid of in a principal witness. We ought in justice to add, that the Mnemonic Tincture was also the discovery of the talented Jügler, which is equally useful in causing persons to recollect things that never happened at all.

Photographic Portraits. Whilst the Adelaide Gallery and Polytechnic Institution of London are vying with each other for superiority in producing those remarkably pleasant-looking and cheerful representations, Mons. Le Cœur, of Paris, has adopted his new system of taking them, which it seems he addresses especially to young engaged people. The optical structure of the human eye, it is well known, forms a Camera Obscura, by whose action the lineaments of the loved one are correctly stamped upon the heart. The chief difficulty has been experienced in fixing the picture so formed; for it appears that, after marriage, there are few, if any, traces of the features that were impressed there before.

Amongst the Patents taken out during the past year, the Polyglossographic Adamant Steel Pen ranks high in estimation. It is particularly recommended to the notice of the public, for the facility with which it enables people, not only to write in any language they like, but to transcribe with grammatical elegance.

The Parvenu Medium Point is invaluable to those ladies and gentlemen who have experienced a sudden rise in their fortunes; as it saves them from exposing their want of education to their epistolary friends.

The Platino-Zincoid Poetical Nib will write Stanzas to Mary, and lines to a Moss Rose, in any quantity; peculiarly adapted for Albums and Fashion Books. To paid, regular contributors to Annuals and Magazines, who revel in the mill-horse style of writing, it will be found of incalculable advantage.

The Romance Rhodium Quality will furnish tales for newspapers at a column an hour, varying in thrilling intensity, or historical epoch, according to the ink used, which may, it appears, be procured with the pens. The Newgate Writing Fluid is the most popular at present.

The Patent Circumslogdollagizing Leader Pen will prove highly advantageous to gentlemen of the Public Press, from the facility with which it produces leading articles on any popular theme. We had the satisfaction of trying a Corn Law pen, which answered admirably; and we hear the ingenious inventor has manufactured Chartist, Commentary, and Abusive pens, on the same principle, as well as Review Nibs.

The Engineer of the North-south-east-western Counties Railway undertook, for a trifling wager, to travel at the rate of twenty miles a second, and actually arrived at the appointed station some time before he quitted the terminus! He states that this intense velocity is obtained by using gin and water in the engine, instead of water alone, which imbues it with a species of temporary intoxication.

The Leviathan steamship, to run between England and America, will be launched early in the Spring. Great fears are, however, entertained as to whether there will be room enough in the Atlantic for her to turn round, without damaging her bowsprit between Liverpool and New York.

6. The will of Wood of Gloucester litigated.

9. One Boa Constrictor, at the Zoological Gardens, swallows the other.

11. Military Flogging on Sunday—Lesson for the day.

Bailie Mucklescratch dwelt at Glasgow, in the Candleriggs. He was what is called a "warm" man; that is, one who had rubbed on well in the world, as indeed it is probable most of his customers did, the Scots being a people celebrated for playing the rubber of life. The baillie kept, in American phraseology, a "store"—in London vernacular, a chandler's shop; a bazaar, whose staple consisted of oatmeal and red herrings, esculents in great esteem north of Tweed. It has long been the opprobrium of philosophy that no satisfactory reasons have been assigned for the proneness, in Caledonia, towards porridge and salt fish. With unqualified satisfaction the announcement is here made that their large pewter Minerva medal will be presented, at the next meeting of the British Association, for the best treatise on the "causes and effects" of a taste, evident on the most superficial glance at the natives of that country. He also kept an only son, Sandy Macalister Mucklescratch, who kept——but that is not part of our present affair.

Now, though the elder Mucklescratch evinced no ambition in selecting a worldly position for himself, he had an itching about the appearance of his heir. To this end, after a course of "humanities" at home, he consigned him to a member of the College of Surgeons, an establishment renowned for the sobriety and decorum of its disciples. No youth since the days of Esculapius was ever in so fair a way to dignify the profession of medicine as the young Glasgovian, if his own account was to be believed; and who was so likely to possess the real facts of the case? To be sure, the honour was not attained free of expense; but could it enter even the heart of a Scottish chandler to suppose that his son might carve at the same table with Sir Benjamin Brodie, or Sir Astley Cooper, without sharing the cost of the entertainment. Day by day accounts arrived from the medical student; those who observed their effects upon the receiver might have concluded they were not quite satisfactory; but what could be expected from an old fellow who lived upon "cock-a-leekie" in the Candleriggs? Fortunately, some of these letters have been preserved; we copy one, to show the progress made by the writer in other composition as well as that peculiar to Materia Medica.

"Governor,—Science can't be purchased without dibbs. When we want subjects, we must shell-out. My share, for next lecture night (as there will only be four of us), will take the shine out of a ten pound stiff. Send the price of the spread, old trump, to your dutiful son,

However well calculated such studies might have been to procure patients for the son, they dealt differently with the patience of the father. Indeed, it can hardly be held unreasonable that a man who had existed for half a century on fourpence a day should feel a little disposed to inform himself how ten sovereigns could be required for the fourth of a supper bill. Full of this natural curiosity, the man of groats went to Edinburgh, embarked smack for London, and presently domiciled himself on a lower floor in the neighbourhood of Upper Gower Street, where, as the bill in the window implied, "gentlemen were taken in, and done for." The traveller was weary: with his nightcap mounted, and his chamber's light ignited, he was about to seek Nature's restorer. What scared him from his purpose?

The clock had told ten, and in the drawing-room apartments vertical, four of the "Won't-go-home-till-morning" club assembled to pass the day. "Gentlemen," shouted the chairman, "here's CONFUSION TO ALL ORDER! Now the Charter chant, if you please, with honours." Then rose the company, and while each executed a rigadoon to his particular taste, all pealed forth in chorus—

Thus, from night to morn the carouse continued, and each returning sun was the signal for its repetition. There was but a choice of evils for the ground-floor tenant—to remain where he was, and be killed by the inch, or rather, by the foot, or pay a se'nnight's rent for a night's lodging—which would have despatched him at once. All day did the miserable meal-man seek his hopeful, with sorrow, and no success, and all night (truth compels the confession) over the sire's head did the son perform the dance of death. A shocking bad life was "Sandie" leading: both the elder and the younger Scot were pursuing the M.D. after a fashion Maximé Deflendum. The week ended, leaving the Glasgow magistrate with just enough of life to assist him back to the Candleriggs. A trusty friend in the Great Metropolis, however, was commissioned to discover the retreat of the prodigal, and compass his restoration to the disconsolate parent. After a time, and a rigid stoppage of supplies, this was effected; and Macalister Mucklescratch's career of dissipation ended, as many a similar course has terminated, in his being sent to the Old Baillie!

Far north as he was born, the ancient Scot had a warm heart. Kindness worked its accustomed office; and it was not long before the prodigal son became the pride and comfort of his father's house. A pleasant thing it is to see the pair seated together, and hear the old man, with glistening eyes, repeat his especial bon mot. "Eh, Sandie, my lad, when you and I were practising 'ABOVE' 'BELOW,' wha would ha' thought it would have ended in