The Comic Almanack, Volume 1 / An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities

There never were such times as these! A barrister could once, with ease, have got as many fees, by merely signing pleas, as would have given him something more than bread and cheese; but destiny's decrees have made it feasible no more to get such fees; and if the lawyers please to live, they can no longer live by pleas.

Those days, alas! are flown, when seeds of litigation, shrewdly sown, were very often known, not through a single life alone to have thriven and grown, but to have reach'd the state that's call'd full blown, in time for the attorney's son to make the crop his own. But now the lawyers are thrown over—the system's overthrown.

The common law is common now no more; full many a clause in Acts of Parliament has clipped its claw. The time is o'er, when, for an hour, one could jaw about the spelling of the man who did the indictment draw, and whose mistake, or clerical faux paw, had floored poor ill-used justice by a literal flaw.

If Eldon now could rise and see the changes made since he would doubt and disagree e'en with his own decree, what would the great man's feelings be? He'd say this seems not like the Court of Chanceree, in whose old customs I had hoped that we had an estate in fee; such suits as these would not have suited me!

Oh! who would once have dared to dream that judges could have worked by steam? Although, without a joke, justice would very often end in smoke; and, from the speeches still preserved on paper, we find that legal eloquence was often only vapour; while law itself contained, as it would seem, the element and principle of steam; for those who ever had a bout of it, found it hot water, and were very glad when they got out of it. Mechanics' principles the lawyers knew, and made amazing use of two—the wedge and screw! But of the third, in early legal cases, there is little heard; for though to scientific men of old the lever was well known, as we are told, the lawyers seem to have refused it, or never used it. The lever they despised; at least we find them not leaving anything they could take behind them! But it is also thought some early barristers so often moved in court, that they had something like a notion of coming to perpetual motion.

This was a case of ejectment. Gabble (Q.C.) for plaintiff.—"This is a clear case of ouster (Shower, 2); but if the tenant in possession disputes the title of tenant in tail, he cannot plead laches (Campbell, 1)." In this case the remainder man was regularly let in, but the widow cannot now claim dower (Blackstone, 3). Suppose the mortgagee had been anxious to foreclose, then plaintiff must have been guided by the rule in Shelly's case (Adolphus and Ellis, 6.) Here there is nothing of the kind. If defendant takes anything, it is in the character of tenant in reversion after the possibility of issue extinct (Shower, 1).

Thumpus (Serjeant) contra.—Doe takes only a chattel interest, or, at most, a base fee (Taunton, 6). The court must presume that the outstanding term is satisfied (East, 6). The rule is not now as Coke laid it down, for Mansfield (C. J.) declined taking it up. This is a case of common ouster. Doe walked in as trustee, and was kicked out in tail. There is no relief for him at common law (Bracton). The door was shut upon him by defendant's son, and the parent is not answerable for the act of the boy (Chitty). Judgment was now delivered by the court.

Mither (C.J.)—This is an uncommon case. Doe was never regularly in, nor was Roe regularly out. Both took as devisees of the same testator. The case in Shower cannot guide us here, though the rule laid down has been recognised. I do not think there is much in the objection to the widow's claim of dower, though I see I have got it upon my notes. A mortgagee may suffer by laches, but then the defendant should have pleaded the tort. There is nothing of this on the record, and the verdict must go accordingly.

Puny (J.)—I am of the same opinion. My brother Thumpus has referred us to Bracton. I know the point in Bracton, and have decided it twice the other way. But here I think the rule in Shelly's case comes in and carries the verdict.

Twaddle (J.)—There are four points in this case; three of them amounted to nothing, and the fourth has been conceded. The laches ought to have appeared on the pleadings. There cannot be a use upon a use (Sanders), but a trustee may take by the common law, which the statute, Jac. II., c. 14, did not interfere with. The provisions of the act removed much abuse, and the eighty-fourth is a particularly wholesome section. Here these questions do not arise, and, as the rule is clear, the verdict must follow it.

Shiver (J.)—I am of the same opinion.

LONDON AND UNIVERSAL DEPOSIT ASSOCIATION.

A COMMONS SCENE IN THE YEAR 1843.

Several Members took the oaths, and the Speaker took his seat, when six-and-twenty members all at once were on their feet. The standing order then to move some dozen did begin; and, in compliance with it, the Speaker ordered in, for all the honourable members, each "a go" of gin.

The worthy representative of Monmouth Street began to bring before the house his well-digested plan, for making up the deficit, by taxing every man who should be found to own a baked potato-can.

He went into the history of taturs, from the day when first the sun of science shone with resplendent ray, and pointed out for baking them the most delicious way: he traced the rise of cans from the very first of all, when they used to manufacture them particularly small, until the later era, when they made them very tall, with half-a-dozen lanterns, from which the light would fall, the notice of the populace unto the can to call, and, like a very basilisk, the little boys enthral.

The member then for Battersea, in an impressive speech, brought on his promised motion for giving Chelsea Reach, and also Twickenham Meadows, another member each. He said, and while he said it, he acknowledged it was true, that those who lived at Battersea and Twickenham were few, but unto them the suffrage undoubtedly was due, because it had been given to Hammersmith and Kew.

The great election compromise was then at length discussed, and it was soon decided that the sitting member must, upon a charge of bribery, from out his seat be thrust; because he had corrupted, with a pot of beer, a crust, and bit of cheese, a voter who took away the dust.

The watercress and radish trade presented a petition, complaining very bitterly of their distressed condition, and praying that the Parliament would put a prohibition on foreign cress and radishes, which caused a competition that threatened to annihilate at once the home vendition. The House, in tongues as numerous as e'er were heard at Babel, expressed at once a wish to do whatever it was able, and ordered the petition, then, to lie upon the table.

But now the long discussion was eagerly resumed, upon the knotty question, whether those who wern't illumed with a knowledge of the reading art, could ever be presumed fit persons unto whom the nation's guidance should be doomed? 'Twas argued very cleverly, and was by all confessed, that, as the members had not been by property oppressed, enabling them to sympathize much more with the distressed, and, as they were with very slight qualifications blessed, perhaps, if they had none at all, it would be for the best.

The House was now impatient, and many rose to say, that they had listened long enough, and wished to get away; for they had sat sufficient time to constitute a day, and therefore hoped the Speaker no longer would delay, in ordering to each of them their ordinary pay.

With this the feeling of the House appeared to coincide; the Speaker to the treasurer for funds at once applied, and at the sight of money there arose, from every side, one universal clamour of—"Divide! divide! divide!"

LIGHTS OF THE PRESENT, NOT OF OTHER DAYS.

A CHARTER PARTY.

The United Female Chartist Washerwomen met a deputation from the Infant Society of Universal Suffrage and Vote by Ballot Orphans, in the long room of the Institution belonging to the former, when a discussion ensued on the subject of the Charter.

It was at length resolved to extend the five pints to six; and it was finally agreed that three quarts should constitute the measure they are jointly going for.

Upon a proposition that they should adopt the principle of the whole hog, a discussion arose as to whether the gammon was to be included; but it was soon decided that the whole hoggites would be nothing at all, if it were not for the gammon, which was accordingly retained by a large majority.

The following subscriptions, in aid of the "Victim Fund," were then read by the secretary, who stated that the amounts were in the hands of the treasurer who was absent from indisposition:

The great petition was then brought forward for additional signatures, when it was resolved, that knowing how to write should not be a sine quâ non for signing it. Several chartist children were permitted to put their marks, and the grand master of the lodge of juvenile levellers was appointed as controller of the sand and blotting paper.

In the evening tea was served, and several rounds of patriotic toasts were given.

26. Bonaparte escaped from Elba, 1815.

It is a fact that Mr. Graball has resigned his very lucrative situation, and that he thus relinquishes a thousand a year—but he has received another appointment with a salary of fifteen hundred.

It is a fact that Mr. Skinflint put half-a-crown into the plate at the last charity sermon—but it was a bad one.

It is a fact that the once dissipated and extravagant Mr. Meltall remained at home every evening last week—but he had no money to go out with.

It is a fact that the improvident and faithless Mr. Squander took up a bill for ten pounds—but he gave one for twenty on the previous day, in order to accomplish the object.

It is a fact that the master of one of the Union Workhouses shed a tear—but he was standing near the cook who was scraping horse-radish.

It is a fact that Mr. Overhead can place his hand upon his heart, and declare he does not owe a shilling in the world—but he has just taken the benefit of the Insolvent Act.

It is a fact that Lord Stingy patronised the performances at Covent Garden Theatre twice last season—but he went with an order on each occasion.

It is a fact that the benevolent Mr. Bountiful gave his watch and purse to a miserable object on Hounslow Heath—but he perceived a stout bludgeon peeping from beneath the rags of the mendicant.

It is a fact that the coffer-dam of the Hungerford Suspension Bridge was drained completely dry—but it was full of water a week afterwards.

It is a fact that Oxford Street is at last paved with wood—but the alteration has caused much annoyance to the heads of the parish.

It is a fact that the Society for the protection of life against fire were on the spot with their apparatus—but it was two days after the conflagration had happened.

It is a fact that Mr. Feeling expresses great sympathy for the poor—but he was never known to feel in his pocket for their relief.

It is a fact that some of the low-priced bakers give full weight—but they are very liberal of alum.

The Meteorological Society held their great meeting on Waterloo Bridge, to watch the nature of the March winds, and several very interesting phenomena were made manifest. A member having placed himself in one of the recesses, waited the coming of a gust from the north, and was presently in a position to relate the following particulars.

His first sensation was that of a severe blow in the face, which drew moisture from both his eyes, and sent out his hair into a number of almost horizontal lines, some of them forming right angles with his forehead. On turning his back, for the purpose of further experiments, his hat underwent such rapid rarefaction, that, becoming considerably lighter than the air, it was carried, in a slanting direction, a few inches from his head, when the expansive power of the atmosphere having ceased to take full effect, the gossamer fell by its own specific gravity to the earth, and revolved on its own axis as far as the toll-gate.

A most interesting experiment was then tried with an ordinary umbrella, upon which, in its closed state, the March wind was found to have no particular power, though it was ascertained that there was an equal atmospheric pressure on every part of the gingham. On putting the umbrella up, and presenting it to the wind, the holder of the machine was carried gently backwards, but on his turning round, the sight became very animating to the bystanders. The umbrella was completely turned inside out, and, at length, the whole concern collapsed with a frightful crash—the points to which the gingham was fastened being compressed together in a reverse position to that which they were intended to occupy. The iron rods attached to the whalebone immediately fell into angular figures, and it was not thought advisable to proceed further with the experiment.

It was proved, beyond the possibility of doubt, that if the human eye be kept wide open in a March wind, the dust will be carried upwards until it reaches the organ of vision. This was experienced in two or three cases; and an enthusiast in the cause repeated the experiment several times, when it was found to fail in no single instance.

DISTRAINING FOR RENT.—A COURT LEVY.

5. A protocol signed, announcing Mehemet Ali's unconditional submission to the Sultan.

31. The Allied Sovereigns entered Paris, 1814, and on the last day of the month ended their march.

A PROVERB REFUTED.

9. Fire Insurances due.

ODE TO SIGNOR RUBINI.

The British Association for the Advancement of Science, which began its meetings at Bristol, has since been strongly recommended to go to Bath; and if it is not sent permanently to Coventry before the year 2043, we may conceive its having reached by that time a state of stagnancy in the neighbourhood of Bloomsbury. As there will, of course, be antiquarians among them, imagination can easily picture them clinging fondly to St. Giles's, as the quarter inhabited by the Anglo-Greeks; and the members will, no doubt, be searching, a hundred years hence, for the fossil remains of petrified crows in the neighbourhood of the Rookery.

The following is an anticipatory report of the meeting of the Association, after having been cradled in the laps of time during the lapse of a couple of centuries.

REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE, APRIL 1, 2043.

Your Committee have the satisfaction to state that, their funds being thoroughly exhausted, they have been enabled to save the usual expense of travelling, and have taken advantage of the liberality of the Government for the purpose of visiting the British Museum. Your Committee remained some time at the outer gate, for the purpose of making some observations on two boxes, which it is understood have been there for sentries; but, as they have not discovered what a sentry is, your Committee conclude that the word must be a corruption of centuries.

On going through the court-yard the Association made some experiments upon the atmosphere, with the view of calculating the difference (by means of the differential calculus) between the air inside the gates and that which circulates on the outside; but your Committee are unable to state any satisfactory result to their arduous experiment.

On entering the hall of the Museum your Committee have to complain of being deprived of their walking-sticks; but this annoyance was in some degree compensated by their receiving in exchange some very curious pieces of tin, which are, no doubt, of very ancient origin. They were at once referred to the chairman of the mineralogical section, who pronounced them to be the coin generally in use in the nineteenth century, for the word tin is frequently met with, in old books, where money is clearly the article alluded to.

Upon reaching the great room your Committee were met by an officer of the Museum, who conducted them over the building, and pointed out to your Committee the chief objects of interest.

The Association had the satisfaction of looking at a very ancient machine, called the stocks, which served the double purpose of punishing offenders and regulating the money market. The chairman of your Committee was appointed to sit on the stocks, and did so for a considerable time, in the course of which he fully ascertained how they might have been available for punishment, but he is still at a loss to discover the monetary uses which our ancestors evidently put them to. It must be regarded as one of the lost arts, like chuck-farthing, and other mysteries, which are now only left to us in the pages of history.

Your Committee were greatly delighted by a series of portraits of a tribe of individuals, carrying flagelli, or whips, and whose noses were made the subject of a very learned paper by your president. The extreme redness of the point was formerly supposed to arise from drinking brandy; but your president having taken several successive draughts of that spirit, without any peculiar redness in the nose becoming immediately obvious, was prevented by exhaustion, ending in utter prostration, from continuing his very ingenious and interesting experiment. It is believed, by your Committee, that the redness of nose, which was characteristic of the old auriga, or coach-driver, arose from a constant habit of blushing, which the peculiar modesty of the race, as it is found alluded to in reports of police cases in past ages, would account for easily.

But the great attraction to your Committee consisted in the two celebrated figures of antiquity, known to the public as the Whig and Tory, by whom, according to old writers, this country was torn for a considerable period. Your committee congratulate themselves that they do not live in those shocking times, when, according to contemporary writers, the Whigs ruined the British Constitution four times in six years, and the Tories gave, in the same period, eleven death-blows to public liberty. How the Constitution ever was restored to health, or how liberty was brought to life, has greatly puzzled your Committee; but they have at last discovered that there were, in those days certains pills which eradicated everything; and, as mention is made in old books of various pillars of the state, your Committee have no hesitation in attributing the wondrous cures to the means alluded to.

Your Committee had almost forgotten to mention a very curious old machine, called a drop; and, taken in connexion with the black-letter phrase of "a drop too much," there can be no doubt that the drop now in the Museum was that which is constantly spoken of as "too much," by the old chroniclers.

The remains of a gibbet also gave rise to a curious discussion in one of the sections, and your Committee at last decided that the instrument was used by a hanging committee attached to a society of painters, who, under the pretext of executing justice, were in the habit of resorting to all sorts of cruelty.

The Association were likewise favoured with the perusal of a very scarce old volume, mysteriously labelled, "A tax-gatherer's Book;" from which your Committee are led to infer, that there were formerly a class of marauders who traversed the kingdom, going from door to door, and exacting sums of money from the inhabitants. To show the frivolous pretexts that sufficed for these plunderers to carry on their system of rapine, your Committee have only to observe that a demand was made on account of light and air, which were actually in those days paid for by the people in the form of what was called a window-tax.

Your Committee having concluded their inspection of the British Museum, returned into the open air; and a shower of rain coming on, they had an opportunity of making a series of observations on the effect which moisture produces upon the skin, and the power of the animal caloric, in the human foot, to resist for a time the chill ultimately engendered by walking into puddles.

THE BOUNDARY QUESTION.