The Comic Almanack, Volume 1 / An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities

BABY-LONIAN UNIVERSITY—In advance of the age.

Teacher. If you put it to your eye can you see through it?

Children. Not if you shut your eye.

Teacher. Can you break glass?

Children. We'll try (one child breaks a window).

Teacher. Then glass is brittle?

Children. Rather.

Teacher. Will the shutter break?

Children. We are not going to try that.

Teacher. (Striking the shutter violently). Now, what have I done?

Children. Made a great noise, and hurt your own knuckles.

Teacher. What is wax?

Children. A soft substance.

Teacher. Is there any other sort of wax that is not soft?

Children. Yes, the whacks you give us when we don't know our lessons.

Teacher. What does a cow give us?

Children. Nothing.

Teacher. Well, what does the milkman give us?

Children. He gives us nothing; we buy it.

Teacher. What do we buy from him?

Children. Milk and water.

Teacher. What's this?

Children. A frying-pan.

Teacher. What use does your mother make of it?

Children. She sometimes beats father about the head with it.

Teacher. Has your mother got a mangle?

Children. No, she's sold it.

Teacher. What colour is the orange?

Children. Orange colour.

Teacher. How large is this orange which I hold in my hand?

Children. As big again as a half.

Teacher. How long will oranges keep in this climate?

Children. Not a day, when you get hold of them.

Teacher. That will do; you may go home.

Children. Thankee, sir.

OCTOBER.	[1843.

INDIAN RUBBER.

The Society for washing the physical blackamoor morally white, and altering the complexion of Indian society, has sent out 1000 copies of "Major A. on Short Whist," in the hope that a friendly rubber may do more towards rubbing off the rust of barbarism than any other hitherto-attempted experiment. It is thought by the Society in question that, as among Europeans those who are called blacklegs generally succeed best at cards, the niggers, who have the advantage of being black all over, may compete successfully with the most accomplished member of Crockford's. The reports on the subject are not yet very encouraging, for though there can be but one odd trick in the course of a single deal, the Indian disciples of Major A. perform a series of the very oddest tricks all through the game; and when their instructor endeavoured to make them understand, by signs, that clubs were led, they followed suit in good earnest, and began scoring away at a tremendous rate with their tomahawks. It is feared that the idea of teaching the blacks by the card must be discarded. The only game for which they show a natural inclination is cribbage, at which their hands are always excellent.

Among the observations and notes of the emissaries sent out by the Society, we find it recorded, as a curious fact in natural history, that, though perfectly black in the hand, the Indians have all the characteristics of the light-fingered population of this country.

It is thought impossible to wean the natives at once from the eccentric habit of scalping; but it has been ingeniously suggested that the propensity may be directed to proper objects, and it is in contemplation to put pots of porter before one of the tribes, when, if they proceed as usual to decapitation, leaving nothing but the headless beer, it will not at all signify.

STOPPAGE OF THE MILLS.

Indeed, I never saw the like,
Our minds with wonder it must fill,
Though mills ensue when people strike,
The strikes have stopp'd full many a mill.

29. Raleigh beheaded. You don't say so? raly!

The Height of Improvement—putting up the Shutters.

THE HEIGHT OF IMPROVEMENT.

Where will improvement stop?
Oh! why will tradesmen soar
Wildly from floor to floor,
Instead of sticking to the shop?
Glass
Never, till now, was brought to such a pass.

If Smith should pull his shop-front down,
Straightway at demolition's work goes neighbour Brown.
Some facts disclosed of late
Have opened people's eyes a little,
Showing that glass concerns are sometimes brittle,
And houses may be dished that put their strength in plate.

It would be well enough if all were fair,
And, like the windows, quite upon the square;
But 'tis not so,
Because we know
Appearances are seldom worth a pin;
Windows and doors immense
Are often a pretence
For letting people in.

Such large concerns
Have sometimes small returns;
And when into a scrape they fall,
The creditors look black,
And want their money back,
Or else their goods, of which there's no return at all.

'Tis wonderful, but true,
People are caught by the delusion;
'Tis odd that glass in such profusion
Is not at once seen through.
How vain to cut a temporary dash,
If, after all,
The windows fall,
With a tremendous smash;
But still they find a falling off in gains,
Who take less panes.

In walking down a London street,
Our gaze what strange announcements meet!
One would suppose,
From many a placard, when you've read it,
That bankruptcy were quite a credit:
And so it is for what one knows
"A Bankrupt's Stock!—look here!
The premises we needs must clear!"
And this is often true;
For clear the premises they do.

And when to carry all before them they're inclined,
They sometimes take good care there's nothing left behind
That assignees can take,
A dividend to make.
And when their books are brought
Before the Court,
Their ledgers to explain
Would puzzle one professing leger-demain.

If shop enlargement should proceed
Beyond its present height,
Some new invention we shall need
For shutting up at night.
The mania did begin
In building palaces for selling gin;
But the infection's regularly caught
By tradesmen now of every sort:
We soon shall see
Tripe from gilt columns hung,
Or sausages festooned and slung
From cornices of richest filigree;
Liver, illumined by the strongest lights,
Will tempt the passer-by at nights;
In mirrors, whose reflection
Is skilfully on all sides thrown.
For general inspection
Hap'orths of cats' meat will be shown.

But here we needs must stop,
Quite beaten in the race;
With the extravagances of the shop
Imagination can't keep pace!

THE RIGHT OF SEARCH.

Come, turn out your pockets, and empty your purse,
Produce your account-books, your income to show;
If embarrassed, exposure will make matters worse,
And perhaps 'twill be better the sooner you go.

On the margin of ruin suppose that you stand,
Oh say, man of trade, can it matter a pin
If prying commissioners lend you a hand,
To the gulf that's beneath you, to tumble you in!

Then out with your ledger; 'tis true that you owe
Unto the assessor himself some hard cash;
But perhaps, after all, it is right he should know,
And sell you up first, lest he lose by your smash.

With America lately we've had a great fuss,
About right of search, and the boundary line;
But at home, in exerting the right upon us,
To keep within bounds the assessors decline.

Then do not discourage a neighbour who'd pry;
For though for awhile his design you may baulk,
He'll be certain to know your concerns by-and-by,
For e'en the discreetest assessor will talk.

Though you lose by your business, oh why should you care,
If the fact is presented to every one's view?
For if your account-books no profit declare,
Though it's nothing to others—it's nothing to you.

SOCIALISM.—"NEW HARMONY."

Oh, Socialism is a pretty thing
For bards to sing:
And Harmony's a title worth some guineas,
To take in ninnies;
And make them fancy that a place which revels
In such a name as "Harmony," must be
A spot where men like angels all agree,
Instead of quarrelling, as they do, like devils.
The harmony of such a place
Is thorough base!
They've everything in common, so they say;
Even not uncommon wives: perchance they may;
And, if the principle they carry through,
The babies may be sometimes common, too;
Making it puzzling, rather,
For some of them to find their father.
Of goods there is community,
Leading, of course, to unity;
If four-and-twenty Socialists require,
At the same time, the kitchen fire,
A chop to fry,
Who shall to any one the right deny?
For Owen says that every man,
In his community, shall use the frying-pan,
Just when and where, and how he may require.
So brotherly love
Permits him to shove
All who impede him, from (or into, perhaps) the fire
And then, how very strange
Their labour they exchange!
The cobbler who would like a dish
Of fish,
Goes to the fishmonger and heels a shoe,
Then carries off a sole or two.
The lawyer wants a coat—a decent fit;
To pay the tailor's bill
He need but make the tailor's will,
Or serve him with the copy of a writ.

NEW HARMONY—All Owin'—No payin'.

A comic singer wants a brilliant ring!
He takes it, and begins to sing
A comic song,
Proportionably long;
And when of stanzas there are quantum suff.,
Of his own labour he's exchanged enough;
Thus, by a due exertion of his wits,
He with the jeweller may soon cry quits.
"'Tis true, 'tis pity; pity 'tis 'tis true,"
That when the Socialists their plans endeavour
To put in force, although successful never,
Yet, in one sense, they of it make "a do:"
Their landlord they would gladly pay,
If he, to take his rent,
In labour were content:
But as he wont do that, they run away.
It is a sect, I vow,
That's much run after now;
And Socialists are followed more
Than ever they had been before.
It's rather funny
That they who rail at cash as worst of human curses,
Should, out of other people's purses,
Take so much money.
Some think that honesty requires
All to their means should limit their desires;
But Socialism rather leans
To measuring its wants by other people's means.
Brotherly love may be all very well in its way,
But one would rather avoid its display,
When the warmth of affection
Is shown in a predilection
(To Socialists often known)
Of treating other folk's goods as their own.
But now we bid adieu to Mr. Owen,
Who very long the game had carried on;
Three times he set it—"going, going, going,"
And, like himself, knock'd down at last—'tis gone!

CHRISTMAS BEEF A LA MODE DE TARIFF.

"Beef à la mode de Tariff," well I ween
To such lean cattle very few will lean.
It really passes all belief,
No wonder foreigners a'n't fond of beef.
Poor beasts, 'tis very clear
To any one possess'd of gumption,
That if they'd not come over here,
They'd have been carried off by home consumption.
At Christmas time, such beef to eat,
None would consider meet.
Surely the duty upon cattle laid,
For them was most unjustly paid,
When the new tariff would have let them in,
As what they are—mere skin.
If better beef than this is to the French unknown,
It must be very clear,
When it comes over here,
That what to them is bon—to us is bone.

THE FLEET MERGED IN THE QUEEN'S BENCH.

Sure England's naval glory now is past,
No more can poets to it write their odes;
The Fleet is swamp'd—yes, it is merged at last,
Not in the Yarmouth, but the Borough Roads.

15. Izaak Walton died, 1683.

Death at the stream of life's a constant dangler,

And on this day for Walton was an angler.

THE MILITIA.

This fine old force is still upon a peace footing, and the Government has refused new regimentals to any of the men, who are nearly all grown too corpulent to wear their old ones. The coat of the colour-sergeant of the Lancashire Lights has been pieced in the back, and is now made to meet in front; and a false hem having been made to his regulation ducks, he is enabled, by the aid of very lengthy straps, to wear the uniform of the regiment. The band has dwindled to a solitary drum, and, as the War Office will not allow of any augmentation, the adjutant, who plays a little on the flute, takes a part on public occasions, when the staff is expected to attend muster.

There is now a field day once in six months, when the regiment, which consists of seven superannuated sergeants and one private, go through a sham fight; and on the last occasion they carried the pound by a coup de main, in spite of the beautiful manœuvring of the adjutant, who personated the garrison.

During the recent strike in the North the militia's instructions were to act as a reserve, and they followed the recommendation to the letter, for such was their modesty that they were not to be drawn out from their dépôt on any pretext whatever. The thanks of the city were afterwards presented to the adjutant in a congreve box, and he received an autograph letter from the mayor, speaking strongly of the forbearance that the militia had exhibited.

PEACE ESTABLISHMENT

CHRONOLOGY FOR THE YEAR 1842.

JANUARY.

17th.—Prince Albert laid the first stone of the new Royal Exchange. Every one present greatly admired the manner of the Prince, and the stone itself was particularly struck by him.

25th.—A holiday at the Law Courts. Nothing doing, and nobody done.

31st.—The King of Prussia visited Newgate in the morning, and Drury Lane Theatre at night. His Majesty saw murderers at both places, and admired the new drop at each.

FEBRUARY.

3rd.—The Queen opened Parliament in person with a speech from the throne, showing her readiness at all time to put in her spoke for the common wheel.

20th.—The Corn Law Debate brought to a close. The duty of eight shillings a quarter objected to by a county member, on the ground that it would amount to thirty-two shillings a year.

MARCH.

11th.—Sir R. Peel made his financial statement, and declared his intention of increasing the duty on whisky; an announcement that had not the effect of raising Irish spirits.

16th.—The day fixed for the earthquake that was to have broken London into little bits. It, however, broke nothing but its appointment.

18th.—The Queen and Prince Albert having visited Drury Lane Theatre, the house was full, and the royal pair gave an audience to the manager.

APRIL.

4th.—The House of Commons resolved itself into a Committee of Ways and Means, when Sir R. Peel's ways of getting means were much objected to.

18th.—Discussion in the House of Lords on the New Corn Bill, when the Duke of Buckingham plainly intimated that the Premier deserved to be turned out, for having taken others in.

22nd.—A dispute between Mr. Lumley and Signor Mario, when the latter complained of hoarseness, and the former declared that he also was taken by the throat.

MAY.

2nd.—Presentation of the Chartist's petition. Its weight made a deep impression on the floor of the House, but none at all on the members.

12th.—The Queen's Ball Masque. Several old ladies endeavoured to conceal their years by appearing in the costumes of the middle age.

21st.—Prince Albert sat for six hours as judge in the Stannaries Court, and performed the judicial office so well that two things were tried at once—the cause before him and his own patience.

23rd.—Execution of the murderer Good. A good riddance.

In the course of this month the Whigs charged the Tories with the greatest assurance in having taken up the former's policy.

JUNE.

3rd.—Continuance of the sugar duties moved by the Chancellor of the Exchequer. He contended that though the tax was little in separate pounds of moist it amounted to a great deal in the lump.

4th.—Proclamation issued on the subject of certain sovereigns discovered to be light. The new regulation not to affect India, where the natives princes are all of a dark complexion.

13th.—The Queen made her first trip by railway, and the Court expected to adopt the fashion of trains.

23rd.—A question put to Sir R. Peel on the subject of the Nelson Monument, the base of which had not been proceeded with for want of the capital.

Several attempts made to retard the public business by incessantly moving the adjournment of the House, and bring the Premier to a stand by perpetual motion.

JULY.

2nd.—A letter exploded at the Post-office—a proof of its being in a great hurry to go off.

3rd.—Attempt of the varlet Bean on the life of Her Majesty. It appeared that the little deformity was given to sentiment, and that the hump on his back weighed heavily on his mind.

7th.—Mr. Hume moved for a Return of the actual services of all flag officers, which was refused from a fear that many of them would turn out to be much below the standard. He was denied similar information respecting general officers, since so many of them had not done anything particular, and had never been in any action except as defendants.

10th.—M. Claudet, the patentee of the Daguerreotype, undertook to do likenesses, on a first attempt, in less than a second.

13th.—Mr. Hume complained that at the British Museum no children are admitted under eight; and he declared that juvenile capacity for instruction was much under-eighted.

The same honourable member censured the locality and the expense of the New Houses of Parliament, objecting to the site of the building, and the sight of money required for completing it.

AUGUST.

1st.—Miss A. Kemble married to a count, and will, it is to be hoped, find her account in the step taken.

'Tis a pity Miss Kemble retires so soon,

When money she makes to so pretty a tune.

5th.—Prince Albert shot ninety-six rabbits in the royal preserves. The animals, anxious for the honour of seeing the Prince, fell the unhappy victims of a too fatal curiosity.

6th.—A gentleman having received a newspaper sealed with the motto, "Time flies," was charged full postage on account of "information" contained on the wrapper.

14th.—Gooseberries, apples, and pears selling for a mere nothing in Covent Garden Market, being, as the growers declared, the fruits of the Tariff.

25th.—Trial of the vagabond Bean, who was found to be one of a very inferior kidney.

SEPTEMBER.

1st.—The Queen landed at Edinburgh, the tide having risen before the Provost was out of bed.

2nd.—A return presented to Parliament of the condition of the inmates of Greenwich Hospital, when it was found that there were thirty-six pensioners who had only the right leg left.

3rd.—Covent Garden Theatre was advertised to open, but Miss Adelaide Kemble was too hoarse to sing; and though her father had so much at stake in the theatre, it was found that his daughter had no voice at all in it.

6th.—Mr. Carter bitten severely in the thumb by one of his lions. The animal was recently purchased and not used to his master, who was trying a few tricks merely to get his hand in.

12th.—An investigation into the Dover cropping case. The jailor, finding he was not to cut the hair of the prisoners, cut his own stick, and resigned his situation.

21st.—A calculation made, that the shelves of the King's Library at Paris extend to twenty miles—a proof of what extraordinary lengths some writers will go to.

OCTOBER.

1st.—It was generally suggested that banking-houses should close at four, because the system of shutting at five (after which hour there is still much to be done) has the effect of driving their business very often to sixes and sevens.

10th.—News arrived of Akbhar Khan being prepared to treat; but from such a Khan nothing can be expected but half-and-half measures.

12th.—Miss Briers and Mary Ann Morgan brought to Union Hall on a charge of having conspired to lead Mr. Woolley into another union against his will. Mr. Woolley, though evidently on thorns, and regularly caught by the Briers, declared his intention not to prosecute; he, however, commenced a suit for divorce against Mary, in reference to whom he refused to be Molly-fied.

HORRID MURDER.

Ballantyne, Hanson & Co., London and Edinburgh

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES

Added Table of Contents.
Converted all asterisk (***) ellipses to modern (...) ellipses.
Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical errors.
Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed.