The Comic Almanack, Volume 1 / An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities

"Your doubly afflicted

"Amelia."

OPERATION OF THE NEW POOR LAWS.

A man in the last stage of destitution came before the sitting magistrate at Lambeth Street, and stated, that having by the operation of the New Poor Laws been suddenly deprived of parish assistance, he was reduced to such extremity, that, if not instantly relieved, he must be driven to do a deed that his soul abhorred. The worthy magistrate instantly ordered him five shillings from the poor-box, and after a suitable admonition against giving way to despair, asked him what dreadful deed he would have been impelled to but for this seasonable relief? "To work!" said the man, with a deep sigh, as he left the office.

JULY.

	Two potent elements combine
	To rule the month together,
	St. Swithin gives us showers of rain,
	The mad dogs, biting weather.
	And if you get a dubious gripe
	From Pincher, Snap, or Toby,
	The good saint's bucket comes right
	To test the Hydro-phoby.
D.	Great Events and Odd Matters.		Prognostifications.
1
			Doth not
2
			many
3	Dog Days beg.
			a Benedick
4		"Old Mother Hubbard
			♋ ☍ ♐
5		Went to the cupboard,
			know
6		To get her poor dog a bone."
			right well
7

8			♏ ♈ ♎ ♉

9	HOW TO MAKE A MAD DOG.		that a

10	By a Knowing Hand.		cloudy

11	Tie a dog that is little, and one that is large,		brow
	To a truck or a barrow as big as a barge;
12	Their mouths girded tight with a rugged old cord (or		♄ ⚹ ♒
	They'll put out their tongues) by the magistrate's order;
13	So you save 'em the trouble of feeding, I think,
	Or the loss of your time by their stopping to drink.		on the
14	Lend 'em out, 'tis a neighbourly duty, of course,
	And mind they've a load that would stagger a horse.		aspect of
15	If you've nothing to draw, why, yourselves let 'em carry (sons
	Of she dogs!), or else they'll be drawing compari-sons.		his dear
16	With a stick or a kick make 'em gallop away,
	And smoke through the streets in a piping-hot day,
17	Where Mac Adam is spreading his pebbles about,		☌ ♈
	And they'll pick up their feet all the quicker, no doubt;
18	More than all, don't allow them their noses to wet;—it		betokeneth
	Will keep 'em alert by the "wish they may get it."
19	All pleasures must end:—when they drop head and tail,		cool
	With their muzzles all froth, like a tankard of ale,
20	Turn 'em loose in the road with a whoop and a hollo,		breezes,
	And get all the thieves and the blackguards to follow.
21	It's a precious good lark for the neighbours, you'll find,		☍ ♈ ♀ ⚹
	With the mad dogs before and the sad dogs behind,
22	And you'll ne'er be molested, rely on my word,		probably
	If you keep 'em from biting a Bishop or Lord.
23			followed by

24			a storm,

25
			♋ ☊ ♅
26
			accompanied
27
			with
28
			showers?
29

30			♊ ♄ ☌ ☽

31	Second week of St. Swithin. Ladies sigh for "a little sun."		And that.

JULY.—Fancy Fair.

FANCY-FAIRING.
"ONLY FANCY!"

I saw her at the Fancy Fair:
'Twas there my heart she won
Within the sweet, romantic grounds
Of Mr. Jenkinson.

Her ma-in-law stood by her side,
Also her aunt Griselda;
Who all the younger brothers served,
While "Missy" served the elder.

To cure Diseases of the Ear,
They say they've oped the mart:
But I think it's to propagate
Diseases of the heart.

I thought I'd buy a pair of gloves,
To get a bit of talk;
Her lily hands presented them,
A pair as white as chalk.

Then, feeling for the cash to pay,
"Oh law," says I, "I'm trick'd!"—
"Dear! what's the matter, Sir?" said she;
Said I, "My pocket's pick'd!

But never mind—I'll just step home,
Some other cash to find."—
"I reckon so!" cried some pert wag
Among the crowd behind.

To show I meant to come again,
Said I, "Miss, may I beg
My umbrella and cloak to hang
Two minutes on this peg?"

"Oh yes!" said she; and off I flew
To fetch my pocket-book;
Then hasten'd back, and out of it
A five-pound note I took.

"Pray give me change, dear Miss," said I;
"For I no more can find."—
"I vishes you may get it, Sir!"
Cried out the voice behind.

The people laughed: the lady smiled
(I thought it rather strange);
Then popp'd my note into a box,
And said, "We never change!"

I soon found what an ass I'd been
To trust in pretty features.
Thinks I,—well, this is the last time
I'll deal with these dear creatures.

Since then I've learn'd that tricks like these
Are thought quite meritorious,
And that for boning five-pound notes
These dames are quite note-orious.

Says I, "Dear Miss, such barefaced cheats
Are really past a joke;
So give me my umbrella, ma'am—
And give me, ma'am, my cloak.

"Not that I care—of course, I don't—
For losing so much gold!"—
"Your cloak and your umbrella, Sir!
Oh la! they've both been sold!"

At that I lost my patience quite;
My rage I couldn't smother.
"Good heav'ns!" I cried, "the last dear gifts
Of a lamented mother!"

I rav'd and stamp'd, and think I swore.
Cried Miss, "For heaven's sake, cease!"
And then she gave me—heartless girl!—
In charge of the police.

To prison soon they haul'd me off,
With pushes, shoves, and jolts;
And soon I found Dame Justice' bars
Were worse than Cupid's bolts.

Now all who read my sad mishaps,
Of nymphs like these beware!
For oh! there's many a real cheat
Found at a fancy fair.

And if you want your money's worth,
With honest traders barter;
For if to marts like these you go,
You'll surely be a martyr.

AUGUST.—Regatta.

		AUGUST.

		The postboys clatter to the door,
		Whips cracking and spurs pricking;
		The hero who went up at four
		Came down at five, alive and kicking.
		Below is a special communication
		From a private source, to inform the nation.
D.	Great Events and Odd Matters.		Prognostifications.
1	Charles X. abdic. 1830. New issue of Sovereigns.
			if he would
2
			look for
3	THE BALLOON ASCENT.
			sunshine,
4	"Only threepence more, and up goes the Donkey."
			♅ ♀ ♌
5	Dear Captain! let me thank my lucky fate
	That brings me safe and sound through every strait,		he must,
6	And when my rebel subjects tipp'd me over,
	Placed between them and me the Straits of Dover:		ungrudgingly
7	On terra firma I've at length alighted,
	More dead than living, tho' less hurt than frighted,		and
8	And strike me ugly—that I swear quite plain,
	I'll never venture in the air again.		obediently,
9	To let me go the varlets scarce were willing
	As long as they could show me for a shilling:—
10	At last however all was right and handy,		♃ ♂ ⊕
	By Madame's wondrous skill and—drops of brandy;
11	And while my cheeks with glowing rouge were spread,		acquiesce
	'Tis false to say the white usurp'd the red.
12	Then as we mounted in the clear blue sky,		in and
	The Queen's own private Aëronaute and I,
13	A field of handkerchiefs waved full in view,		accede to
	Dirty and clean, silk, cotton, black and blue;
14	And while the huge machine majestic rose,
	I gazed on many an elevated nose,		♊ ♀
15	And heard, and wrote it down, with great surprise,
	A man in spectacles exclaim "my eyes!"		all her
16	Just as we threw the sand-bags quickly o'er,
	And rose so high that I could hear no more.		modest
17	So being fairly out of mortal ken,
	The fair one said, "We'll soon come down again."		requirements?
18	Too soon—for while I turn'd myself around,
	Balloon and car came spinning to the ground:
19	The earth received my nob—too thick to split—		♈ ☿ ♏
	The lady fell on—what she thought most fit.
20	I gallop'd off as fast as steeds could fly;		when, and
	To bed she posted quickly, there—to lie.
21			not before,

22
			☉ ☽ ♑
23
			he may
24
			reasonably
25

26	Fête Champêtre. Field-fare arrive.		☊ ⚹ ♀

27			expect

28			fair weather

29			to the

30			end of the

31	Jews banished England, 1290. "New Way to Pay Old Debts."		month.

A TOUGH YARN.

Guy Davit was a sailor bold,
As ever hated France;
And tho' he never cared for gold,
He stuck to the main chance.

Susanna Sly was what they call
A servant of all work:
Made beds, baked pies, cleaned shoes, hemmed shirts
Blacked grates, and pickled pork.

Young Guy was born upon the Thames,
Off the Adelphi, Strand;
And so the water—do you see?—
Became his father-land.

'Twas there he served his time; and none
On "wessel," boat, or raft,
More honest was: altho' 'twas known
He loved a little craft.

He soon had weathered twenty-one;
Youth's cable then let slip,
He stepped out of his master's boat,
And his apprentice-ship.

Next year, the First of August come,
He trimmed his little boat,
And plied so well his oars, he won
Old Dogget's badge and coat.

'Twas then Susanna saw him first,
And first felt Cupid's dart.
The young toxophilite had hit
The bull's-eye of her heart.

A thousand hearts besides her own
With am'rous hopes beat higher,
It seemed as if Love, with his link,
Had set the Thames on fire.

So Sue set up her best mob cap
At Guy, to win his heart,
For some folks Love makes slatternly,
And some folks he makes smart.

But Guy was a conservative,
(The hottest of the nation,)
And so he wasn't going to yield
To any mob's dictation.

Then Sue a tender letter wrote:
Guy didn't seem to heed it,
And not one word of answer sent;
For why?—he couldn't read it.

Then Susan offered him her hand:
Love made her accents falter,
"Thankee," says he; "but I prefers
A cable to a altar."

For Guy of foreign shores had heard,
And wonders there that be;
He scarce could think such stories true,
So he went out to sea.

Poor Susan saw her sailor start
On board a ship of war;
Which raised her love to such a pitch,
She thought she'd be a tar.

So, casting off her female gear,
She joined the merry crew;
And round the world, thro' storm and strife
Did Sue her love pursue.

And she and Guy became sworn friends,
No hint of love e'er dropping,
Till, one day, Guy confessed he liked
A pretty maid at Wapping.

Then Susan home like lightning flew,
And so well played her part,
In likeness of a captain bold,
She won that fair maid's heart.

And, following her advantage up
(So dazzling is ambition!)
Our captain soon prevailed on her
To altar her condition.

The wedding o'er, away she went,
To Guy the tidings carried,
And gave to him the newspaper
That told his love was married.

Then Guy a loaded pistol took:
"I'll kill myself!" he cried;
"Because I will not side with Sue,
I'll be a suicide."

When Susan heard him say these words,
She at her brains let fly:
And down, a corse, he sank, by Jove;
And down she sank—by Guy!

SEPTEMBER.			[1837.

		Soft, simple innocent!—how well you show
		The gentle pastimes of your Cockney mates;
		From him, who sparrows shoots with penny bow,
		To him who, armed with Manton, braves the fates!
		Alack! it grieves me that this shoeless boy
		Should bootless follow the delusive joy;
		For e'en the salt of attic wit doth fail
		To catch a goose:—'and thereby hangs a tale.'
D.	Great Events and Odd Matters.		Prognostifications.
1	Passenger-shooting begins. Old ladies and young children deemed fair game by cab and omnibus drivers.

2	New Style. Eleven days stepped over.		Furthermore,

3			△ ☿ ♍ ♅

4	Bartlemy Fair.	"Fair is foul, and foul is fair,"	let a
	Bartlemy Fair.	Dabble thro' the mud "and filthy air."
5			needy man

6	The sun of Bartlemy is well-nigh set, and his latest rays are dull as the Dutch metal that gilds his gingerbread kings. The last fair was a foul concern--the lions roared in a saw-dust solitude and the monkeys chatter'd to empty boxes.--"Just going to begin" was a never-ending cry, because the sights waited all day for want of see-ers--Mr. Merryman was sad, for people would not down with the dumps; and though he cried "Walk up! only twopence," he failed to "take his change out of that." In vain King Richard offer'd his kingdom for a horse; there were only a few asses within ear-ing. The sausages met with no stuffers, and the dog-meat pies remained unbitten, though the chimney- sweeps looked rabid at 'em. The hot spiced nuts met with a cold reception; the baked plum pudding was at no price current; and the ginger beer, though well up, would not go down. The pyramids of apples stood as unmoved as those of Egypt; but the nuts alone looked happy, for the people gave them "none of their jaw." The temperance societies have turned the table to a T;--Men who have left off gin do not support Mr. Gingell; and water-drinkers have no affection for fire-eaters. As to the gin temples, they found their day pretty well over, so they blazed at night, but their illuminated dials have made the world suspect "what's o'clock." Even the pickpockets failed of their harvest: for as the people abandoned the knaves in spirit, they were able to guard against the rogues in grain.		☉ ♊

7			essay to

8			open the

9			heart or

10			draw

11			the purse-
			strings
12
			♌ ♒ ♀ ♓
13
			of a fair-
14
			weather
15
			friend,
16
			☉ ☿ ♂
17
			and shall
18
			he not
19
			forthwith
20
			experience
21
			☉ ♂
22
			a cool and
23
			frosty air,
24	Hare Hunting.
			☊ ♏ ♅ ♍
25
			sufficient
26
			♃ ♄ ♊
27
			to blight
28
			all the
29	Quarter Day.
			blossoms
30	The landlord seizes for his rent, but can't be called a cheat,		of hope?
	For though he takes your stools and chairs, he leaves you a re-seat.

SEPTEMBER.—Cockney Sportsmen.

THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER.
A FRAGMENT.

"And that's why I don't like a flinty soil," said the farmer.

"Talking of flints," said the gentleman in the India-rubber coat, white cords, and top-boots, "we'd a werry honcommon day's sport shooting, the First of September ultimo: vich there vos me and Figgins, and Wiggins, and Higgins, and young Apollo Belvidere Hicks, the poet, vot writes werses in Bell's Life, and sends wery anonymous letters to the Penny Magazine, and sings a werry good song now and then at the Adelphi Shades—a werry slap-up party, I assure you. I writ an account of it at the time, vich I sent to Bell's Life; but owing to a werry great press of matter of tempory hinterest, vosn't hable to be printed. I've got the journal in my pocket, and if you like, I'll read it."

"By all means," said a chorus of voices. Whereupon the gentleman in the India-rubber coat, white cords, and top-boots, douted his half-smoked cigar, stowed it away in his silver-mounted shagreen case, and pulling out an amateur-built note-book, made of half-a-dozen sheets of blue-lined paper, evidently purloined from the ledger, read as follows:

"JOURNAL OF PROCEEDINGS ON THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER ULT.

"Edited by Jonathan Duggins, Esq.

"Up at six.—Told Mrs. D. I'd got wery pressing business at Woolwich, and off to Old Fish Street, where a werry sporting breakfast, consisting of jugged hare, partridge pie, tally-ho sauce, gunpowder tea, and-cætera, vos laid out in Figgins's warehouse; as he didn't choose Mrs. F. and his young hinfant family to know he vos a-goin to hexpose himself vith fire-harms.— After a good blow-out, sallied forth vith our dogs and guns, namely Mrs. Wiggins's French poodle, Miss Selina Higgins's real Blenheim spaniel, young Hicks's ditto, Mrs. Figgins's pet bull-dog, and my little thorough-bred tarrier; all vich had been smuggled to Figgins's warehouse the night before, to perwent domestic disagreeables.—Got into a Paddington bus at the Bank.—Row with Tiger, who hobjected to take the dogs, unless paid hextra.—Hicks said we'd a rights to take 'em, and quoted the hact.—Tiger said the hact only allowed parcels carried on the lap.—Accordingly tied up the dogs in our pocket-handkerchiefs, and carried them and the guns on our knees.—Got down at Paddington; and, after glasses round, valked on till ve got into the fields, to a place vich Higgins had baited vith corn and penny rolls every day for a month past. Found a covey of birds feeding. Dogs wery eager, and barked beautiful. Birds got up, and turned out to be pigeons. Debate as to vether pigeons vos game or not. Hicks said they vos made game on by the new hact. Fired accordingly, and half killed two or three, vich half fell to the ground; but suddenly got up again and flew off. Reloaded, and pigeons came round again. Let fly a second time, and tumbled two or three more over, but didn't bag any. Tired at last, and turned in to the Dog and Partridge to get a snack. Landlord laughed, and asked how ve vos hoff for tumblers. Didn't understand him, but got some waluable hinformation about loading our guns; vich he strongly recommended mixing the powder and shot well up together before putting into the barrel; and showed Figgins how to charge his percussion; vich, being Figgins's first attempt under the new system, he had made the mistake of putting a charge of copper caps into the barrel instead of sticking von of 'em atop of the touch-hole.—Left the Dog and Partridge, and took a north-easterly direction, so as to have the adwantage of the vind on our backs. Dogs getting wery riotous, and refusing to answer to Figgins's vhistle, vich had unfortunately got a pea in it.—Getting over an edge into a field, Hicks's gun haccidentally hexploded, and shot Wiggins behind; and my gun going off hunexpectedly at the same moment, singed avay von of my viskers and blinded von of my heyes.—Carried Wiggins back to the inn: dressed his wound, and rubbed my heye with cherry brandy and my visker vith bear's grease.—Sent poor W. home by a short stage, and resumed our sport.—Heard some pheasants crowing by the side of a plantation. Resolved to stop their cockadoodledooing, so set off at a jog-trot. Passing thro' a field of bone manure, the dogs unfortunately set to work upon the bones, and we couldn't get 'em to go a step further at no price. Got vithin gun-shot of two of the birds, vich Higgins said they vos two game cocks: but Hicks, who had often been to Vestminster Pit, said no sitch thing; as game cocks had got short square tails, and smooth necks, and long military spurs; and these had got long curly tails, and necks all over hair, and scarce any spurs at all. Shot at 'em as pheasants, and believe we killed 'em both; but, hearing some orrid screams come out of the plantation immediately hafter, ve all took to our 'eels and ran avay vithout stopping to pick either of 'em up.—After running about two miles, Hicks called out to stop, as he had hobserved a covey of wild ducks feeding on a pond by the road side. Got behind a haystack and shot at the ducks, vich svam avay hunder the trees. Figgins wolunteered to scramble down the bank, and hook out the dead uns vith the but-hend of his gun. Unfortunately bank failed, and poor F. tumbled up to his neck in the pit. Made a rope of our pocket hankerchiefs, got it round his neck, and dragged him to the Dog and Doublet, vere ve had him put to bed, and dried. Werry sleepy with the hair and hexercise, so after dinner took a nap a-piece.—Woke by the landlord coming in to know if ve vos the gentlemen as had shot the hunfortunate nurse-maid and child in Mr. Smithville's plantation. Swore ve knew nothing about it, and vile the landlord vas gone to deliver our message, got out of the back vindow, and ran avay across the fields. At the end of a mile, came suddenly upon a strange sort of bird, vich Hicks declared to be the cock-of-the-woods. Sneaked behind him and killed him. Turned out to be a peacock. Took to our heels again, as ve saw the lord of the manor and two of his servants vith bludgeons coming down the gravel valk towards us. Found it getting late, so agreed to shoot our vay home. Didn't know vere ve vos, but kept going on.—At last got to a sort of plantation, vere ve saw a great many birds perching about. Gave 'em a broadside, and brought down several. Loaded again, and killed another brace. Thought ve should make a good day's vork of it at last, and was preparing to charge again, ven two of the new police came and took us up in the name of the Zolorogical Society, in whose gardens it seems ve had been shooting. Handed off to the Public Hoffice, and werry heavily fined, and werry sewerely reprimanded by the sitting magistrate.—Coming away, met by the landlord of the Dog and Doublet, who charged us with running off without paying our shot; and Mr. Smithville, who accused us of man-slaughtering his nurse-maid and child; and, their wounds not having been declared immortal, ve vos sent to spend the night in prison—and thus ended my last First of September."

OCTOBER.—Brewing.

		OCTOBER.

		Hail! honest Toby, who all grumbling hates,
		Who quaffs his ale, and cheerful pays his rates;
		Whose faith is fixed and firm,—in stout October,—
		Who scorns dissent,—except, from being sober;
		Who swears the cause is best upheld by drinking,
		Since he who takes to water, takes to thinking;
		Who designates small beer a public scandal,
		And knows no heresy but using the pump handle.
D.	Great Events and Odd Matters.		Prognostifications.

1	DIALOGUE.		Now

2	Customer: What can I have, waiter?—Waiter: What would you like, Sir?		lest,
	C. Can you give me a chop, or a steak?—W. No, Sir.
3	C. Any cold meat?—W. No.		peradventure
	C. Crust of bread and cheese?—W. No.
4	C. Why, you've nothing at all in the house, then, it seems?—W. Oh! yes we have.		♉ ☍ ♉ ♀
	C. What?—W. An Execution!
5
			it should
6
			hereby
7
			seem to the
8
			undiscerning
9	A mob of Johnnies lay rough hands on the Spinning Jennies, 1779.
			multitude,
10	Spenser died, succeeded by Coats. (Query, Romeo?)

11			♀ ♃ ⊕

12	Day breaks.	——Poor fellow! when, and where?	that I have
		I pity him, I do declare;
13		Unlike the surly wight, who said,	deserted,
		When rous'd up from his downy bed,
14		"What is't to me, if broke or no?	♒ ☿ ♊ ♎
		He owes me nothing." (Vide Joe.)
15		And Mrs. Day,—his loving mate,—	the
		'Twill break her heart, as sure as fate.
16		Oh, no! she treats it very light;—	Celestial
		She's run away with Mr. Night.
17		Should Mrs. Day, though, meet her sun,	Science,
		Then Mr. Night will be undone;
18		For by some magic,—strange to say,—	☿ ♑
		This sun will turn Night into Day.
19			and proved

20			an unworthy

21			successor

22			♎ ♐ ☌ ♀

23			of the

24			defunct and

25	St. Crispin. All Soles Day. Cobblers' Holiday. No business done in Downing Street.		doughty

26			Moore,

27			☊ ♓ ♑ ♌

28			I do here
			present
29
			one
30
			important
31	Brewing ends. Malt-brun. Sir Matthew Hale.		prediction,

The Comic Almanack, Volume 1 / An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities

About This Book

OPERATION OF THE NEW POOR LAWS.

FANCY-FAIRING. "ONLY FANCY!"

A TOUGH YARN.

THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER. A FRAGMENT.

FANCY-FAIRING.
"ONLY FANCY!"

THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER.
A FRAGMENT.