A NEW TABLE TO CALCULATE WAGES.
This table must depend a great deal on the sort of table kept by the master of the house in which the servant resides. As a general rule, the dripping admits of subtraction, and by calculating how many times the candle-box will go into the kitchen-stuff, a fair average may be arrived at. It must also be borne in mind, that as the water is to the milk, so is the beer-money. In families where the cupboard is left open, it follows frequently, that as the tea is to the sugar, so is the servant at both of them.
THINGS WHICH CAN BE MUCH BETTER CONCEIVED
THAN DESCRIBED.
Getting out of an omnibus, and discovering you have left all your money on the mantel-piece.
A woman discovering her first grey hair.
Putting the lighted end of a cigar into your mouth.
A person's indignation on being told "Queen Anne's dead."
Meeting a creditor, and being obliged to sit opposite to him "the whole way" in an omnibus.
Being asked, in a drawing-room of ladies, to take a few tickets in a raffle—"the ticket only a guinea!"
Breaking your strap in the pas seul in La Pastorale.
The wine at a public dinner.
DIRECTIONS FOR BREWING.
One of the difficulties attendant on domestic brewing is the expense of the cask, but this may always be got by having a barrel of beer on trial from a regular brewer, and saying it is not quite out when the cask is applied for. By agreeing to pay for the beer, one barrel under the other, the expense becomes merely nominal.
In order to prevent the lightning from turning the beer, a lightning conductor should be fixed in the bung-hole of the cask, or a stair-rod would perhaps be an economical substitute.
Families who brew without exactly knowing how, may try the experiment of a polite note to Messrs. Barclay and Perkins, asking one of them to step round to put the parties in the right way, if they should be making a failure of the brewing.
If the beer should be flat after having been left to cool in washing-tubs, a raisin may be thrown in, and if it fails to produce any effect, another raisin may be tried; but should the second raisin prove unsuccessful, it will be waste of time—and raisins—to go on with the experiment.
YOUNG ENGLAND.
A BIOGRAPHY.
The subject of the present notice was born of very obscure parents in London, and was placed, soon after his birth, at the doors of the Treasury, under the impression that Sir Robert Peel might stumble over it, and be induced to take it in and provide for it. The Premier, however, merely moved it on one side with his foot, and Young England began to cry out very lustily; but its voice was so weak that no one paid any attention to it. Soon after, the bantling attracted the notice of the press, and its case was laid before the public, but it excited very little interest; and an appeal to Old England in favour of Young England was equally unsuccessful, the former denying the latter to be its legitimate offspring. A novel, entitled "Coningsby," was afterwards written, in the hope of doing something for Young England; but the more the book was read, the less was Young England thought of.
It is a curious fact, that while Young England never could succeed in winning popularity, a rival, in the shape of Young America, was very successful, under the name of General Tom Thumb, who was received very graciously at Buckingham Palace. Surely, if mere littleness confers a claim to admiration, Young England is almost as deserving of it as General Tom Thumb, who, on the principle that extremes often meet, frequently found himself in the presence of greatness. Young England would give its little finger to make its way at Court as little Thumb has done.
ASSESSED TAXES.
As the ordinary almanacks are, in many respects, erroneous in their information on the subject of assessed taxes, we proceed to correct a few of the most usual inaccuracies.
It is generally said that 2l. 8s. must be paid annually for armorial bearings by persons keeping a carriage. It ought to be added, that there is an exemption for persons keeping a cab by making it wait for them.
Every additional body used on a carriage is chargeable; but when any body additional is used on a carriage as an extra footman, he is regarded as no body, and he is liable to no other duty than that of getting up and down when required.
THE POLKA PLAGUE.
The year 1844 will be ever memorable in our national annals, on account of the breaking out of a great plague, on which physiologists have conferred the title of "Polkamania." This remarkable affliction first originated in the Black Forests of Bohemia, where it took the name of Polka—which is, no doubt, a corruption of Pole-ca, a word evidently derived from the pole cat, to which, as an excessive nuisance, the Polka has some kind of affinity.
The boors, or bores, of the Black Forest communicated the Polka to some Parisians, who always take quickly any malady of the kind, and it very soon spread among the people of the French capital. It was introduced into England a short time after, by a coryphèe coming over to fulfil an engagement at Her Majesty's Theatre. The poor fellow was, indeed, very bad with it, and it was thought that it would have died a natural death, for it did not seem to be very taking until Monsieur Jullien happened to catch it, and infected several places of public amusement with the severe calamity. The malady now spread with fearful rapidity, and even Mr. Baron Nathan fell a victim to it in its fiercest shape, while others of less exalted rank in the Terpsichorean world had it in a much milder form than the Baron. The symptoms of the disease are too well known to need a lengthy description. It causes a contraction of the leg, and a drawing up the heel to a considerable height, accompanied by a violent twisting of the head from side to side, and numerous contortions of the body. It gives a strange sort of motion to the arms, occasions a repeated stamping of the feet, and induces altogether a singularity of action which is not to be found in other cases of mania. It is to be expected that the malady will soon wear itself out, like other previous visitations of a somewhat similar character.
THE NATIONAL GALLERY.
A DIALOGUE.
SPORTS AND PASTIMES.
For the benefit of our young readers, and, indeed, for the advantage of children of a larger growth, we subjoin a few games, adapted to the meanest capacities, and the most limited pecuniary resources.
THE POSTMAN.
The game of Postman is little known by the title we have given it, but it is very frequently played at. It is a cheap amusement—if done well; but a good deal may be lost at it, if it is not skilfully managed. It can be played at by three or four at a time, or even more, and it may also be indulged in by a single individual. The game consists of giving a postman's knock at any door, and running away as fast as possible.
THE CABMAN.
This is a very amusing game, and is very easily played at. Fix your eye on any particular cabman, and he will be sure to come off his stand as rapidly as he can, thinking that you intended to hail him.
The fun of the game may be increased by looking at three or four on the same stand, when they will all rush off the rank, and you have only to explain that you "merely looked, but don't want a cab;" upon which they will very likely begin quarrelling with each other, and thus add materially to your amusement.
OUR PRIZE PROPHECY.
Some of the subscribers to this Almanack have represented to us that it is scarcely complete without a prediction, and we have, therefore, been on the look out during the year for an eligible prophecy. We were for some time in treaty with a professor of the cabalistic art; but, as one of our stipulations with the soothsayer was, that the prediction should not be paid for until it was realized, the sage, with considerable indignation, declined the engagement. We have consequently resolved on throwing open the prophetic department to public competition, and we therefore invite the attention of professional seers to the following conditions:—
Prophecies must be sent in before the end of September, written in plain English, without any mystifying allusions to the signs of the zodiac.
No prophecy to contradict itself more than once in the same sentence; and where there are two results, one of which must arise, both must not be predicted in the same paragraph.
A prophecy that Sagittarius will influence the fate of a man of rank, will not be considered as having been fulfilled by a nobleman happening to marry, or go out of town, or come to town, in the course of the month referred to in the alleged prediction.
The assertion that the town of Birmingham is under the influence of Aquarius will be considered a partially fulfilled prophecy—and paid for as such—if washing and bathing establishments should be introduced into Birmingham at about the time specified.
Prophecies consisting merely of figures, and sent in as nativities, cannot be taken into consideration, for, though they are no doubt very correct, they are, unfortunately, wholly unintelligible.
Any prophecy relating to events in Bosnia, Beretzyk in Transylvania, and other out-of-the-way places, from which a mail never comes, because it is never due, will be rejected, on account of the difficulty of testing its accuracy.