The Comic Almanack, Volume 2 / An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities

Every one who has observed the mass of railway papers that have shot up during the past half year, must have been astonished that none, devoted to Fashionable Railway Intelligence and Literature, have yet appeared, appealing more especially to those who have souls above the share market. We have the pleasure of announcing the immediate appearance of such a periodical. We are aware that, at present, all sympathies, interests, and affections, social and general, are absorbed by the railways; but the "Railway Belle Assemblée," whilst it never loses sight of the mighty spirit of the age, will contain such literature alone, as the member of the beau monde seeks for in vain, at present, in the bewildering and endless lines of advertisements, and the single and double supplements of the daily and weekly press.

The arrangement of amusements, &., may be looked for as follows:—A grand race is about to take place upon the Great Western, from Paddington to Slough, between the ten o'clock down train and a shower of rain. In the event of fine weather, the meeting will be postponed until the next day.

A déjeûner à la fingers is about to be given at the Wolverton station, whilst the train stops, next Saturday. The pretty young lady with the dark eyes, who makes the coffee so hot that the passengers cannot drink it, has condescended to preside. The visitors will arrive exactly ten minutes before they depart. A band will accompany the passengers the whole distance—round the hats of the guards; and a pyrotechnical display will take place off the Birmingham terminus, when the engine fires are raked out for the night.

On Wednesday next, an interesting soirée of men of letters will be held, at eight o'clock, with the Post-office bags, at all the different termini. The clerk at the Kingston station is expected to get the sack five-and-twenty minutes after, but it will not reflect any discredit on him.

Eastern Counties Railway.—An interesting lecture on steam, and the properties of the engine, was given by the engineer of the "Blazes," locomotive, on Tuesday, to the new stoker, on the tender. The proceedings concluded with a private dinner of two polonies, a small loaf, and pot of half-and-half.

Important.—By a recent Act of Parliament every director is liable to be called upon to ride in front of the train, whenever it is necessary, as a buffer. As a great part of them are men of straw, the fitness of these buffers for the purpose is unquestionable, in addition to the chaff which they have always at command.

ABOLITION OF DUELLING.

The members of the various Clubs have come to the determination to put down this atrocious custom. In the event of not being able to form a court of honour, from the scarcity of the principal ingredient, they have decided that all future quarrels shall be adjusted by the Carrara Water, in a gallery suited for the purpose. And, moreover, that the Carrara Monument Company, shall erect a tablet, to perpetuate the social death of all who may he worsted in the meeting: anybody being corked, to be ranked, like claret in the same state, as worthless.

The common water-plug offers a capital medium for illustrating the leading principles in hydrostatics and hydraulics. When opened, the effort of water to find its own level may be turned to account, in diverting and instructive methods by the young professors of the neighbourhood in the absence of the police, who are, generally speaking, inimical to science. To produce a jet, the water must either come up or come down. In the case of a fire-plug, it comes down from the New River; and if the rates are not paid, the company come down as well upon the delinquents for the money, until the latter come down with it. In the Trafalgar fountains, it comes up to the surface, but not at all to the expectations. In either case the force is the same. This increases, in an inverse ratio, to the opposition offered; and by compressing it at the orifice, it may be thrown in any direction by a little judicious management of the sole of the foot. In this manner, benevolent boys may frequently be seen distributing water gratuitously to the passing pilgrims.

THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN JANUARY.

Recollect, if you slip down in the street this month not to evince any pain, but rather laugh: get up smiling, and walk away with a joyous air.

Do not try rashly to cut the outside edge on the Serpentine, but practise by yourself, at midnight, with a full moon, on secluded Hampstead ponds, until you are perfect; because, it usually happens, that the instant you wish to show off before some young ladies you know, your heels will go higher than your head, and you will look contemptible.

That family parties at this time of the year are not those wonderfully lively things they are conventionally supposed to be: the presence of a few lively acquaintances being indispensable to make them go off well. Relatives don't care to exert themselves to be entertaining before one another; or if they do, all the rest know what is coming.

THE GIPSY'S PROPHECY.

DIVERS INTERESTING QUESTIONS FOR MY READERS
TO CONSIDER.

What do you generally think—

1. When you ask if any one is at home, and the servant tells you he don't know, but will go and see; asking your name: and then comes back and answers in the negative?

2. When a man at an evening party says he does not waltz, "because his head won't stand it?"

3. When you find a broken dish behind the dresser, and the cook says, "the cat did it?"

4. When a friend presses you to "come and see him very soon—any day—he always dines at five;" but won't state a time?

5. When a married couple are more than usually affectionate, and use endearing terms, in public?

6. When a lady, holding out her glass for some wine at a supper, says, "Oh, really; the least drop in the world, Mr. Smith: stop, stop?"

7. When the clown, a sweep, and a milk-pail, are all on the stage together, in a pantomime?

8. When, at a small country party, the lemonade and negus get gradually weaker towards the end of the evening?

9. When you see a gentleman vandyking between the area railings and the lamp-post, addressing vague words to imaginary peeple?

THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN FEBRUARY.

Buy a bottle of reviver to renovate your coat and trousers for forthcoming parties. Rout up old kid gloves, and send them to be cleaned.

That, on the 14th, if there is any one you wish to insult, it can be done cheaply and anonymously by a valentine, without the chance of being tricked in return; whilst the shaft rankles the more, because it is not known who has sent it.

Do not accept an invitation to Hampshire for wild-duck shooting, unless you wish to catch a rheumatism that will last you for life. This sport consists in sitting all night up to the knees in mud, half frozen, armed with a long gun, which your fingers are too cold to let off. This, however, is your only chance of safety, as, if it did go off, the recoil would knock you backwards, and you would never get up again.

In early times the greater part of the month was dedicated to the Saxon god, Thaw.

FIRE ESCAPES.

The frequency of accidents from fire renders some certain method of escape desirable. The following have received medals:—

The first is founded on those ingenious machines we find in the Dutch toy-boxes, for causing soldiers, ducks, sheep, and even tea things, to march, deploy, and fall into lines, in the most orderly manner. One of these will be kept at the corner of every street, and, by the aid of four policemen, will always raise the preserver, or lower the preserved, in this manner.

The next is simply by a parachute, formed of canvas, which may be folded up, and kept in the window-seat. Should there be any wind, the inmates will be carried to the end of the street, and perhaps further, which is of course, an advantage. An ingenious architect recommends that the ceiling of every room should be a shower-bath on a large scale, always charged. This is practicable, but in the event of the bath going off when there was no fire, the results would be very inconvenient.

BALLAD:

NEW LINES OF RAILWAY,
IN CONTEMPLATION FOR 1846.

THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN MARCH.

Lady-day is the 25th. If you mean to change your residence about that time, bespeak a van in time, large enough to carry off everything at once without coming back again. But as March is a month in which the wind is generally very easily raised, hope for the best.

That Parliament gets into full swing this month; therefore, give up all notion of seeing a newspaper in a coffee-room under an hour after the sixth gentleman has applied for it.

The world of fashion is beginning to awaken. Change from the chrysalis state of the twelve shilling tweed to the butterfly transition of the guinea paletot. High-lows are, however, still to be met with on wet evenings, in damp situations. The gossamer sometimes takes flight this month to distant regions, therefore procure a piece of string.

Should you be unfortunately incarcerated for debts exceeding £20, Nicol's registered paletot will be the most suitable wear, as the advertisements say, that wearing it insures a general sense of freedom.

THE STAG
A NEW READING FROM "AS YOU LIKE IT."

TO FIND OUT WHICH WAY THE WIND BLOWS

Go into Trafalgar Square, on a breezy day, without a mackintosh or umbrella. Then stand under St. Martin's cab-stand when the fountains are playing. If you get wet through immediately, the wind is due W.; if it takes a little time to do so, it is N.W., or S.W.; but if you remain quite dry, it is N., S., or E., which can only be ascertained by standing respectively at the foot of the column, under the terrace, or before the club. It hath rarely been known to fail.

THE TRADE WIND GENERATOR.

A very civil engineer, residing in Liverpool, has favoured us with his plan for raising whatever winds may be necessary to ships, for the purpose of commerce. His idea is, to fix a colossal pair of double-action bellows, worked by steam power, at the stern of every ship, which, being put in action, will blow directly on the sails, and propel the vessel in any given direction. This entirely precludes the chance of a ship ever becoming becalmed. He candidly tells us that he cannot claim the entire credit of the invention; and he can remember the late Mr. Joseph Grimaldi working something to the same effect in a pantomime, when he was a child; but the boat being made in this instance of a washing-tub, and rigged with a mop stolen for that purpose from an itinerant vendor, no clear notion could be formed of its power.

THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND
IN APRIL.

Be very cautious, on the 1st, of attending to gratuitous advice given in the street, respecting your pocket-handkerchief, straps, or coat-tails. Mistrust everything and everybody until midnight, if you would escape being laughed at.

The month of April is showery, therefore get an umbrella; but remember, that whilst it is fine, a cotton one at half-a-crown looks as well in an oilskin case as a silk one at a guinea; and that when it is wet, nobody cares what you have, never stopping to look.

That you must renew your acquaintance with all sorts of editors to get orders to the Opera, and thus move in the great world at a small outlay. N.B.—Gloves worn the evening before at a party are sufficiently presentable in the pit.

Angling begins this month, and its professors become all hooks and eyes. If you wish to kill time (and nothing else) sit in a Chertsey or Hampton punt, and wait for barbel.

MISCELLANEA CURIOSA.
SELECTED FROM THE "MISCELLANIES" OF J. AUBREY, ESQ., CONTAINED IN
THE ASHMOLEAN MUSEUM, AT OXFORD.

Shoes came into Englande with Henry the Fourth his wife, Joan of Navarre. Before that time the nobles did wear dried flat fish, cunningly tied on with thongs of hide. And hence the name of soles as used to this day, and by alle men.

In 1580, a shower of potatoes did fall in Lancashire, at which the husbandmen were sorelie afraid. They were sayde to have been brought from America in a whirlwind, and, being hitherto unknown, became directly common.

The Polka is a measure danced by salvage men and women in Hongrie. Item.—Sir Francis Drake assures me he hath seen it kept up for twenty minutes and more, until the salvages were like to drop; the reason whereof is difficult to tell; but he takes it to be a religious ceremony, as the whirling dervishes in the Indies doe practise.

Tobacco is a plant growing in China on inaccessible mountains, whence it is plucked by people in balloons made of fish-skin, and preserved in red leather bottles underground. Sir Walter Raleigh did use it first. Its vapour inhaled is an admirable narcotic; and one Master Aytoun, deprived of it, did, in its stead, smoke strips of Blackwood's Magazine; but this well nigh coste him his life.

The first drinking glasse used in Englande had no foote whereon to stand (to encourage drinking), but fell alway; and was hence called a tumbler.

A Bristow man, living at Castile, did learn the art of making soap, which he set up here: and straightway upon this it became common to wash one's self twice and thrice in the week. Nay, Mrs. Gregoire, the commissioner his wife, did cleanse her hands, and eke her face each daie. Soe that it was soon the rage; and people before they went to stay with such and such a one would saie to him, "How are you off for soape?" meaning therebye that if he had not good store, they would none of him; and soe went on their way betymes.

I do remember when they did call cats Tomassins, which, being corrupted to Tom, is still in use with the vulgar; but the etymologie thereof I could never learn, save that the word came from Flanders. Item.—My good friend, Mr. Marmy, assures me that he heard them shriek and cry like infants, beneath his chambers; such as could only be frighted by tossing the fire-irons and fender about their ears. But he verilie believes they were devils' imps and familiars. Item.—Mr. Glanville gave him a charm to exorcise them, which is as follows, writ on fayre parchment:—

The which being pronounced, they would frantically take to their heels and scuffle off like mad, to return no more.

To preserve beer from being soured by thunder:—Summa, it is best to drinke it all off before the storm. They doe practise this in Kent with certainty, and other parts of England. This also on the authority of Mr. Glanville.

Men in liquor have droll conceites. 1 knew such a one, being a justice of the peace, who, when tipsie, would take off his peruke to salute the company with obeisance, and then, putting it on a bottle, would sing a song that had neither beginning nor end, but went merrilie on over again: the which he wold never stop until earned awaie to bed. And yet he was well to doe, and a clever man, but lacked prudence.

My Lord Saye his gardener tells me that during the late storm he did track a flash of lightning through a gooseberrie bush, which marvel he had often heard of, but never saw before.

A correspondent inquires, "Why is beer always excluded from the dinner-parties of those who drink it every day when alone?" We pause for a reply.

The new explanation which our artist has put forward, of the origin of the term Gemini, so clearly tells its own story, that any further remarks upon the subject from us are unnecessary. The situation of the twins, however, suggests that we should make some allusion to the state of the Clowns of England; on which subject we purpose bringing out a work in the same style as the Wives, Mothers, Queens, and other female facts of the said favoured country.

The progress of burlesques at the various theatres has done much to injure pantomimes; and it is feared the race of Clowns will become extinct, unless, in these days of educational enlightenment, some means are taken to train up fresh ones as the old ones drop off. To this end, we mean to establish a school for infant Clowns, who will be taught practical jokes in classes; and old ladies, shopkeepers, lodging-letters, and little boys, will be provided for them to play off their tricks upon. Proper works will be provided for them to study: and from one of the most elementary, not yet published, we make the following extract; premising that the Clown to a travelling circus is the first step on the ladder of pantomimical perfection:—

CHAPTER FROM
THE MERRYMAN'S MANUAL;
OR, CLOWN'S HANDBOOK OF POPULAR HILARITY.
Chap. II.—How to Collect the Crowd in Front of the Show.

[N.B.—The Performers are to walk about as if they were noble Lords and Ladies. The Manager, as a Venetian of high birth, with a whip in his hand, and the Merryman, stand on the steps.]

Master of the Show. Now, Mr. Merryman, be so good as to tell the company——

Merryman. Yes, sir. (Counts his fingers.) Ten, twenty-eleven, fourteen, two.

Master. What are you doing, sir?

Merryman. I'm telling them, sir.

Master. Nonsense, Mr. Merryman. I mean you are to tell them the nature of the exhibition.

Merryman. That's capital good.

Master. What is capital good, Mr. Merryman?

Merryman. Eggs and bacon.

Master. I did not say eggs and bacon, sir. I said, exhibition. Also, the sports and pastimes—

Merryman. That's better still.

Master. What is better still, Mr. Merryman?

Merryman. Pork and parsnips.

Master. Sports and pastimes, sir (sternly).

Merryman. Now I've got it. Times and passports.

Master (whipping him). Take that, sir!

Merryman. Now keep still, can't you? You'll take all the whicksters off my calves.

Master. Now, Mr. Merryman, inform the company the nature of the performances as exhibited before all the—

Merryman. Exhibited before all the—

Master. Potentates in Europe.

Merryman. Potatoes in Europe. (Confidentially, to the crowd.) That's a lie.

Master (sharply). What did you say, sir?

Merryman. I said, they'd see it all by-and-by.

Master. Dancing on the tight and slack rope—

Merryman. Prancing on the slight and tack rope—

Master. With a variety of ground and lofty tumbling—

Merryman. With a variety of round and crafty grumbling—

Master. Remember the price. Halloo! (Through a speaking trumpet.) Threepence each is all we ask! Servants and working people twopence!

Merryman. Recollect: be in time. All in to begin! Threepence each is all we ask; but we'll take as much more as you like to give us. All in there! all in! [Exeunt company, to re appear in one minute.

This will give a fair notion of the value of the work. In addition to a series of such helps to education, phrases, to be committed to memory, will be hung round the room. These will be principally for the pantomimists, and will consist of sentences like the following:—"Here we are again! how are you?" "Now, don't be a fool!" "Here's somebody coming!" "I saw him do it, sir!" with other similar ones.

The co-operation of all friendly to the interests of the Clowns is earnestly requested to promote the welfare of this institution.

THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN MAY.

That there is an ancient quaint rhyme, as follows—the old almanacks having a wrong version:—

That the only Poles now found in May, about London, are the distressed patriots in the cheap eating-houses and copper hells in the neighbourhood of Leicester Square. The sport is not extinct, as little boys may still be seen dancing round the more eccentric specimens of the class. The only reason that these poles have not fallen down, like those in the country, is, that they are supposed to be very hard up.

That although the almanacks declare that perch, ruff, bream, gudgeon, flounders, dace, minnows, trout, and eels may be taken this month, this, to say the least of it, requires confirmation. We have tried often, but never took anything, except taking ourselves off after a fruitless time.

"It was too late. Their fearful enemy, that scourge so dreaded by the negro race of the Southern States, the terrible Land-Crab, was upon them. Copper Joe, never remarkable for heroism, lost the small remains of presence of mind which the encounter with the Comanches had left him, and, in attempting to fly, fell prostrate, injuring his abdomen severely. Andromache, with her youthful charge, after a vain effort to rouse her fat husband, Noah, to resistance, joined in the general rout. But the heroic Sambo stood his ground. His eyes glared, his white teeth shone from ear to ear, as, with right foot firmly planted in advance, he stood a sable Antinous, awaiting, with uplifted club, two onsets of the terrible enemy. It was a dreadful moment!"

THE QUEEN OF THE FÊTE.
BY ALFRED TENNYSON.