The Comic Almanack, Volume 2 / An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities

The Vulture is the most cruel, deadly, and voracious of birds of prey. He is remarkable for his keen scent, and for the tenacity with which he invariably clings to the victim on whom he has fixed his gripe. He is not to be shaken off whilst the humblest pickings remain. He is usually to be found in an indifferent state of feather.—New Translation of Cuvier.

Mrs. Piper (superintending the chops and neglecting her punctuation)—"Oh dear, dear, dear! it's enough to drive anybody crazy with all the trouble I've had with the huzzies the nasty good-for-nothing, idle, lazy—the wicked presumptuous bad creatures, to think of their taking such a start. Don't talk to me, Piper; it's the fault of you men for taking their part. Can't blame them indeed for wanting to better their situations!—of course my servants were very ill used I understand your insinuations. No doubt it's a treat to you to see your poor wife made into a slave—not that there's any novelty in that I wish I was in my grave!—melted to death and getting into such a mess with the chances I have of even getting a new dress—at those dratted chops for you to guzzle. If you had the feelings of a man, you'd do something to help me. Oh! I daresay you're doing all you can—a pretty kettle of fish you're making of the Irish stew. Ah! there goes the poker on to the plates—don't tell me—you do it on purpose—you do. I didn't say you touched the poker but you do all you can to flurry me in one way or other—Tom, you naughty, unfeeling boy, how dare you join in the conspiracy against your poor mother? If your father's burnt you, it's just like him go and rub your hand with soap—though you'll be clever to find it—Yes—Mr. Piper, you're satisfied now, I hope—with your institutions and lectures and South Australia panoramas I wish Mr. Prout and all the rest of the wretches at the Polytechnic were pounded to death with sledge-hammers—putting notions of emigration into the heads of a set of brazen faces—but they've been a great deal too well treated, or they would not have had time to go to such places; and those newspapers talking about their rights and freedom if they'd minded their work they wouldn't have had time to read 'em. In my poor dear mother's time, no servant could get a place who knew how to read. Ought to be treated like human beings? a pretty story, indeed! I know what you mean Piper you needn't try to keep your gravity—but they were always thinking of husbands and settling in life or some such depravity.

"Arabella and Jane you idle things don't stand staring there, but go and lay the cloth before your father begins to swear. All the tumblers are broken? Well, to be sure, I might have expected that but I'm astonished at you Arabella for daring to tell me it was the cat. If it was that minx, Jemima—yes, I see very well, Mr. Piper that we don't get on as well without her as if I wanted her to go, the viper! when she knew the whole comfort of the family depended on her staying to be off to Australia the ungrateful thing she deserves flaying. With the beautiful kitchen she had only she never took a pride in it let alone seven pounds a year and her tea found with sugar beside in it. But of course madam must have a farm and want to be some scamp's wife—never thinking what I've to get through with my two poor girls to settle in life. Jane bring a dish this minute do. What! do you mean to say there's only one and that's cracked, on the shelf? Well, I've done all human nature can do, Mr. Piper you may get your dinner yourself. If the chops are black I can't help it well you needn't mention it—I see—if there's one on the floor you may pick it up. Ah! I knew how it would be. The gridiron's tumbled over with what I've to go through, how can you expect me to attend to it? I've not been used to this sort of thing the chimney's on fire and there's an end to it. The house must be burnt down. Oh yes! call the police, but you may call for ever if you find a policeman now all the servants have gone to Australia, all I say is you'll be clever."

ANSWER TO CORRESPONDENTS.

Snikmit.—Your conundrum was received in 1846, and has been in type ever since. We shall probably be able to find room for it in the course of a few years. Do not be impatient. We have all had our beginnings.

Walter the Doubter.—The circulation of the Comic Almanack is eight millions. The editor's salary is ten thousand a year. But these things are not done for money.

J.—Your offer has had our most careful consideration. We fear that a novel in ten books, each containing eighty chapters, to be published at the rate of a chapter per year, will scarcely suit our publication. It would be difficult to sustain the interest for so long a period and at such considerable intervals.

Worrit.—There are three thousand and ninety-five editions of Uncle Tom's Cabin published. It is estimated that every adult Briton has purchased nine copies of that remarkable work and read them all.

Julianetta says she could love us madly if she could make up her mind to believe that we don't dye our whiskers. We do.

Rum Dickey assures us he is just the fellow for our money. He is very clever at finding out conundrums; knows three comic songs; and has a friend who is intimate with an Ethiopian serenader. We will think of it.

Walkinshaw.—Our pay is nineteen and sixpence per line for prose—two guineas for verse; only we don't accept contributions.

Wapshot informs us that he has occupied all his leisure hours for the last twelve months in trying to find out the rebus, signed "Lilly," in last year's Comic Almanack. He hopes, after all the trouble he has taken, we will not publish any other answer to it till his arrives. We pledge him our honour.

Enquiros wishes us to inform him the day of the month, and in what year, Julius Cæsar landed in Britain; the number of lines in the Iliad; what we consider the best receipt for tartar in the teeth; whether Mrs. Glover ever played Ophelia or not in early life—and if she did, at what theatre, and to whose Rosencrantz; how he had better set to work to obtain a commission in the army without interest; if A pegs one too many by accident, has B a right to score four; which year's volume of the Little Warbler we would recommend for general purposes, in preference to the others; and if we know of a good shop for elastic trousers. Perhaps some of our readers will oblige him with an answer.

NO MORE MOSQUITOES! CATCH 'EM ALIVE!—To destroy these noxious insects, the scourge of an English summer, use Wilkinson's Extract of Upas, prepared only by him at his plantations, Hampstead Heath, and sold (with directions) by all respectable chemists, in bottles, at 1s. 1½d., 2s. 9d., and 4s.

THE PALMS, PECKHAM.—Delightful Family Residence to BE LET, immediately; consisting of six rooms (all snake-proof), flat roof, with verandah; capable of making up five beds, stable for two camels, hippopotamus sty, ostrichry, slave shed, and the usual offices. Apply personally to Mr. Jukes, 14, Chancery Lane, any morning before sunrise.

AN ENGLISH SUN AND AN ENGLISH SKY.

THE ORIGINAL MONSTER MARTS of E. MOSES & SONS, established upwards of 150 years, supply the public with the following articles of national and seasonable attire, at the lowest possible prices:—

A small quantity of book-muslin great-coats, remaining on hand since the last severe winter, are being disposed of at an alarming sacrifice.

WANT PLACES.
ALL COMMUNICATIONS TO BE POST PAID.

AS SNAKE-CHARMER IN A SERIOUS FAMILY.—A native, recently converted by the missionaries, from Timbuctoo. No objection to look after a camel, and make himself generally useful. Apply to J—n Sm—th, 6, Jaguar Place, Broad Street.

A STOUT, ACTIVE MAN, an experienced driver—to look after a Nigger. Address P. Q., Elephant and Castle.