THE DANDY AND THE THIMBLE-RIGGER.
After natur had finished the fust man and the fust woman, she had a little material left at the bottom ov her cups, and not willing tew waste ennything, she mixt the two remnants together, more for a frolick than ennything else, just to see what the compound would produce.
394Throwing the mixture onto the dieing coals, in a few minnitts a half-baked, comikal creature lay smirking, and mincing, before her.
This iz the way that the fust dandy waz made, and, with a boquet in one hand and a looking-glass in the other, Dame Nature turned him loose into the world, to root.
The construckshun ov this creature of remnants iz peculiar.
A dissection ov a dandy, in the thirteenth century, revealed the fakt that hiz heart resembled a pin cushion, having no cells, the interior ov it being filled with cotton batting and sawdust, and stuck awl over the outside with rosettes, and dead butterflys, with pins through them.
Hiz head waz divided into innumerable little stalls, in each ov which waz deposited, in solution, a very small quantity ov brains, which ackted independent ov each other.
One stall waz devoted to kid gloves az a science, another to tight boots, and a third to colone water.
All hiz thoughts and affeckshuns are divided between the fit ov hiz clothes and the admirashun ov them.
Hiz ideas never grasp ennything stronger than Phalon’s last sensashun in perfumery; his whole emotional natur finds its nourishment and counterpart in a plate ov the last Paris fashions, hung up in a taylor’s window.
The genuine dandy—one who knows hiz bizzness—never falls in love with ennything but hiz looking-glass; hiz strongest pashun iz admirashun; he kant reach the dignity ov love.
To love, requires both brains and a soul; and a dandy in love would be az whimsikal a sight az a butterfly kneeling at the feet ov a tulip.
Your real dandy iz a long-lived bird; hiz pashions are weak, but regular, and like a watch, the works and the case wear out together.
He grows old like a boquet, and is brisk, and in humor to the last.
Dandys hav no courage; their pashuns are a mixtur ov weak and delikate things; they kant insult, nor be insulted; they are rabbits among men, and among wimmin, not bold enuff tew be feared, nor useless enuff to be dispized.
395Thare iz not one single trait in their charakter, that I kan think ov now, highly commendible; they are selfish (and have a right to be), bekauze they haint got ennything to spare; their ambishun haz no more glory in it than a scent bag.
Reverence implys faith, and a dandy haz no faith, but in the taste ov hiz hairdresser, or taylor; meekness implys hope, but hope in them, iz nothing but emasculated impudence.
But while theze useless creatures lack the virtews ov life, they are seldum, or never, gilty ov enny fust class vices, they go through life heedless ov awl that iz very good, or very bad, and when they git reddy to die, it iz ov az little importance tew the world, az the loss ov a cosmetick receipt, or a clever twist in a yeller neck-tie.
Your genuine dandy seldum unites, he courts, az the humming burd duz among the flowers, for honey, not a wife, and thinks that hiz attacks are awl conquests, but no sensible woman would marry him, enny quicker, than she would knowingly take counterfit money in change.
This world will never be rid ov the dandy, there iz so many pincushion hearts, and heads not made for brains, thare iz so much vanity that iz amply pleazed with a dog’s head on a bamboo cane, thare iz so mutch kindness in looking glasses, thare is so mutch fragrance in the extrackts ov Lubin, thare iz sich a glory in being a pin feather king, for an evening, among silly hearts, that young dandys will keep being born, and old dandys will frisk, in spite of their gout, or enny bodys philosophy.
Thimblerig iz a game az old az Methuselah.
It is played on the knees ov a young, and hawk-eyed, and very polished gentleman, with a shiny black hat on hiz head, encircled with a band ov crape, az a mourning badge, for hiz late lamented father—or, “enny other man.”
The young gentleman wears a flame-colored necktie, striped with orange, and held with a gilt slide, and a californy cluster on hiz finger, az copious, az a gill ov beans. The game iz conducted with three thimbles, a pellet ov fur, or wool, az big az a grape seed, and iz sed tew be under one ov the thimbles, 396 but after yu bet, and the thimble iz raized, it dont seem to be invariably thar.
This pellet iz humorsly called the “little joker,” and iz carlessly shown to you, az it appears to slide under cover ov one ov the thimbles, but in fakt, slips under the cultivated finger nail ov the gentlemanly rigger.
This iz only one ov the thousand modes ov gambling, but probably the most niggerlike ov enny ov them.
If I had a son who was a thimblerigger by perswashun, and could not be converted from the low, and villainous game enny other way, I would pray tew hav him hit hard with lightning, and then go into suitable mourning afterwards.
Gambling iz a vice, az natural to man, az the love ov gain, it iz the pashun ov the civilized, and uncivilized, the Hindoo, and the Saxon, the nigger, and the congressman.
It iz az old az history, and as demoralizing az enny profligasy, that haz yet bin invented.
Rum and dice, are the two grate levellers, they bring the judge down tew the grade ov the loafer, and pluck out by the roots the tail feathers ov aristocracy.
They corrupt the warmest heart, chill the most ardent ambishun, wither the brightest hopes, and brutalize the tenderest pashions.
All that gamble may not reach the lowest depths ov its degradashun, but they are on the right road.
Total abstinence iz the only cure for gambling, alteratives wont answer.
One ov the wust feeters ov this disseaze iz, that it iz like the small pox, if the patient recovers hiz health, he kant never git rid ov the skars; a man may ceaze to be a gambler, but once a gambler, the cursed pashion whines around him, like a ghost around the buried.
LONG BRANCH IN SLICES.
Long Branch iz the eastern terminus ov sum real estate on the west side ov the Atlantik Oshun, and iz lokated cluss down to the edge ov the water.
397The populashun iz homo genus, woman genus, girl and boy genus, yung one genus, and divers other kind ov genus.
The divers genus are sum plenty. They go into the Atlantik Oshun, hand in hand, man and wife, phellow and gall, stranger and strangeresses, drest in flowing robes, and cum out by-and-by like statuary in a tite fit.
The Atlantik Oshun iz a grate success. The author and proprietor ov it never makes enny blunders.
Thare iz a grate deal ov morality here at Long Branch. Thare iz sum isolated cases ov iniquity, and a clever sprinkling of innocent deviltry.
I am pleased to state that the iniquity iz principally in fust hands, and finds but few takers.
The fluid ov the Atlantik Oshun iz psalt, and haz bin so for more than three hundred years to my knowledge. I state this as a stubborn fakt, and the “oldest inhabitant” may help himself if he can.
The ockashun ov this psaltness has bothered the clergy for 398 years. Sum ov them say that large lumps ov psalt waz deposited in the oshun, at an early day, bi the injuns, for safe keeping, and sum say that the grate number ov kodfish and number 2 makrel that travel in its waters haz flavoured the oshun.
I endorse the kodfish and makrel job, not bekauze i think it iz true, but bekauze i think it iz the weakest, and i hav alwus bin in the habit ov standing up for the weak and oppressed.
Flirtashuns are thick here, but principally occur amung thoze who hav wore the conjugal yoke until their necks hav begun to git galled.
Theze flirtashuns are looked upon az entirely innocent, and are called “recruiting.”
They are konsidered by sum (who call themselves good judges) more braceing than the sea-airing.
Millionaires are numerous, besides others who put on a millyun ov airs more or less.
Now and then yu will see a forrin snob just over from the other side ov the Atlantik Oshun. They wear long shirt-collars, turned down, and short nozes turned up.
The landlord tells me, they hav all paid their bills thus far, and he sez, the last thing he duz at nite, before he goes tew sleep, iz tew pray—they will kontinue on to do so.
The prayers ov the righteous are sed tew be heavy, and weigh well, and the landlord being ov a righteous turn ov mind, i think he will win.
The Continental Hotel iz the principal one here, and iz infested, just now, by eight hundred and fifty innocent creatures, who eat 3 meals per day.
The femail portion ov these dear innocent creatures, rool up their sleeves, and go down once a day, to the keel ov their trunk, and drag out bi the nap ov the nek sum clothes, that would make the Queen ov Sheeba sorry that she hadn’t postponed living untill Long Branch had bin invented, so that she could hav got the style.
I advice all ov mi friends to come to the Continental Hotel, and bring their best clothes with them.
399Long Branch haz menny things to interest the schollar, and the philanthropist, among which iz the race course, just bilt.
I attended this race-course lately, and saw sum very good rotary movements on it.
I didn’t bet, bekaze i hav alwus been principled aginst loseing enny money.
I think i could win enny quantity ov money, and not spile mi morality, but the loss ov a fu dollars, would git mi virtew out ov repair for ages.
Long Branch iz also the home ov the miscelaneous crab, and the world-renowned musketo.
The crab iz kaught in endless confusion at Plezzure Bay, cluss bi Long Branch.
He iz kaught bi tieing a hard knot on the other end ov a string, and then dropping the string down in the water, and tickling the bottom ov hiz feet with the knot, in this way, sumtimes he iz kaught, and sumtimes he iz knot.
The musketo iz az natral to Nu Jersee az Jersee litening iz.
The musketo iz a marvelous kuss, but whi he ever waz allowed tew take out hiz papers, and travel, iz unknown to me, or enny ov mi near relashuns.
If he haz enny destiny tew fill, it must be his stummuk, for he iz the biggest bore, ackording tew the size ov hiz gimblet, i hav ever met seldom. It dont look well for a philosopher tew be fracktious at enny thing, not even a bugg, but if enny boddy ever hears me swear (out loud) he may know thare haz bin a kussid musketeer on mi premises.
I cum tew Long Branch (in company with mi wife) at the opening ov the season, and put up at the Continental Hotel, and intend now to keep putting up thare, untill the house shuts up, if i hav tew klimb the flag-staff to do it.
Every boddy who puts up at this hotel, iz allowed tew put up regular, once a week, for hiz board, and promiskuss things.
Thare iz a blessed privilege, which sum folks kant never enjoy, untill they are deprived ov it.
It will then be forever too late.
I am one ov them cunning kritters, who, when they find 400 a good hotel, a 225 pound landlord, and polite officials, dwell with them heavily.
I hav sed before (in writing about hotels) that almost enny boddy thinks they know how tew keep a hotel (and they do know how) but this ackounts for the grate number ov kussid poor hotels, all over the country.
BILLIARDS.
Everyboddy seems tew be gitting crazy over a new game, which haz jist bin diskovered, called billyards.
It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer than it iz square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing sum round red bawls agin sum round white bawls, until they drop into sum little pudding bags which are hung unto the outside ov the tabel.
It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on.
They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, with a short piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a chalk mark onto the end ov it.
Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in the belly, which sends it agin the next one’s belly, and so on, till the other fellows turn fur punching comes on.
But yu ought tew see the game; it kant be delineated bi words.
One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he pays the landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov gitting beat, and buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul hands drink.
Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch fur a spell, and so it goes on till 2 o’clock in the morning; then each goes hum, having enjoyed fine exercise, a little drunk perhaps; but the muscles in their breast are so expanded that they can’t ketch the consumption nor the smaul pox.
This iz billyards.
401HABITS OF GRATE MEN.
Habits are like korns on the little toze, the result ov tite boots.
Habits are likewize the krooks in an ordinary dorg’s tale natral az life, but seldum useful, or ornamental.
George Washington Crab, Esq., the wonderful astromenor ov the 4th century, alwus took hiz observashuns ov the suns perigammut on one bended knee, with hiz eye tooth buried to the kore in a sour apple, and hiz left shin-bone bandaged, with a solution ov sheet iron.
In this way he discovered cansir, one ov the signs of the zodiac, and it haz ever since bore his name in English.
George also wore an uprite collar, about one foot in upriteness and alwus used kats intestines, for shew strings.
He waz a grate man, and had sum habits.
He died in due time.
And haint bin seen since.
His widdow waz inconsolable for a large amount. Hiz widdow iz also no more now, she coiled oph this mortal shuffle in good shape, at the reasonable age of 86.
If her aktual ashes are still extant, i say boldly, “peace tew her ashes.”
If her ashes kant be found, i am willing to be one ov ten to make enny other arrangements that will pay.
402Rev. Moses Bickerstaff wrote those famous sermons ov hiz, that shook the moral firmament from dan to bersheebe, upon the head ov a flower barrel, with a bony pen made from the dorsal feather finis ov an untamed osstrich.
He used ink made from an extrakt ov mid-nite, combined with the perspiration ov a confirmed Ethiopian.
He also kultivated the ambishun ov hiz little finger nail which grew to bee about 8 feet in longevity.
He had a way ov leering with hiz left eye, when he preached, which history sez was cussid good.
Bickerstaff haz had a hoste ov immitators, but they are like the millers who fly at a kandle, he cooks them all.
Bickerstaff wore hiz hat without enny brim to it, nor enny crown, and alwus put on hiz left boot last. He, like all thoze who lived before the flood, iz now deperted to deth, but hiz way ov doing things (on the hed ov a flower barrell), tho often tried on, haz never bin badly beat yet.
Doktor Henry Magnum, M. D., waz a doktor.
He waz rather a weak sister, and alwus rode sideways on a side-saddle.
He had one strong point, he never giv up a pashunt until he waz plumb ded.
His exsentricitys waz theze.
He alwus used a wodden spoon, made out ov wood.
When he eat, hiz mouth always flu open, to the crook ov hiz elbo.
He never et enney mollassis during hiz sweet life.
He made all ov hiz pills down cellar.
He iz sed to hav had, during his life, a thousand stujents ov medisin, but history sez, they didn’t enny ov them equal Magnum, only in hiz odditys.
Docktor Magnum worked in physick about 46 years after the landing ov the pilgrims, on Mount Arryrat, and i presume iz now fully dead, and gone, or too old for a full days work.
He wrote a book on rats (az a dire necessity) which waz a standard work for menny generashun ov rats.
This book waz translated into Hindoo, and thus waz lost, by being burnt with a widder, in a phuneral scrape.
403Ebenezer Smile waz probably one ov the most tallented excentricks that ever smiled.
He waz a landlord on the Himmelay mountains, and waz the author ov Gin.
Ten thousand phunny things ov his hav bin handed down, and all lost.
The most truly wonderful odd awkwardness ov all hiz peculiarness waz hiz way ov smiling.
He could smile and drink a gin cocktale at onst, and the same time.
This natrality ov hiz haz bin immitated so mutch since, that the original idee iz all wore out.
He haz had several immitators who hav outsmiled their daddy.
History sez, he could smile a pint ov gin a day, without enny water in it.
But a pint ov gin, now days, would hardly raize a smile ov contempt.
Ebenezer Smile was a bachelor, and history sez, his father waz also one before him.
This oddness haz also its immitators.
Ebenezer died with a smile on his countenance, or just after one.
I hav cum tew the konklusion that the excentricitys ov grate men iz the work ov art, and is mistaken bi the owners ov it for natur, and haz made more phools, (bi thoze who hav immitated them,) than the Lord ever haz.
Ebenezer Smile waz a kussid poor original enny how.
Ebenezer haz vakated life, but he haz left a bitter smile behind him.
Oh! the sarkasm, in the smile ov a gin koktale.
JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.
I kum to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent 404 of the “Garden Angel life insurance Co.,” and answered the following questions, which waz put tu me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old feller, with a little round gray head, az pretty az enny man ever owned:—
QUESTIONS.
1st—Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been so.
2d—Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time?
3d—What is yure precise fiteing weight?
4th—Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much?
5th—What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10 commandments.
6th—Du yu ever hav enny nite mares?
7th—Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor?
8th—Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it.
9th—What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head; can it be did successfully?
10th—Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to affect yu?
After answering the above questions, like a man in the confirmatif, the slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced i was insured for life, and probably would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my most pensive smiles.
HOW TEW PICK OUT A GOOD HOSS.
First.—Let the color be a sorrel, a roan, a red, a gray, a white, a blak, a blue, a green, a chesnut, a brown, a dapple, a spotted, a cream, a buckskin, or sum other good color.
Seckond.—Examin hiz ears; see that he haz got tew ears, and pound a tin pan cluss to him, to find out whether hiz hearing iz good. All hosses are dum but a deff and dum hoss, are not desirable.
405Third.—Look well to hiz eyes; see that he haz got a pupil in hiz eyes, and not too large a one neither, hosses with too large pupils in their eyes are near-sighted, and kant see oats, and hav tew wear green gogles, and green gogles make a hoss look tu mutch like a trakt pedlar.
Fourth.—Feel ov his neck with the inside ov yure right hand, see that the spinal collum iz well fatted, and runs the whole length ov him from fore to aft, a hoss without a good phatt spinal collum from fore to aft aint worth, (speaking sudden) aint worth a well defined cuss.
Five.—Put yure hand on hiz breast, (this iz allowable in the case ov a quadriped) see if hiz harte kan beat 70, squeeze hiz fore leggs to see if he iz well muscled, lift up hiz before feet, and see if thare iz enny frogs in them, frogs keep a hosses feet cool, and sweet, just az they do a well, or a spring ov water.
Six.—Look well tew hiz shoes, see what number he wears, number 8 iz about right.
Seven.—Run yure hand along the dividing ridge ov hiz boddy, from the top ov hiz withers to the commencement ov his tail (or dorsul vertibra) and pinch him az yu go along to see if he knows how tew kick.
Eight.—Look on his hind legs for sum spavins, kurbs, windgalls, ringbones, skratches, quittors, thrush, greaseheels, thorough-pins, spring-halt, quarter-kracks; see if he haz got a 406 whirl-bone; look for sum pin-hips; hunt for strains in the back tendons, let-downs and capped hocks.
Nine.—Investigate hiz teeth, see if he aint 14 years old last May, with teeth filed down, and a six year old black mark burnt into the top ov them, with a hot iron.
Ten.—Smell of hiz breath to see if he haint got sum glanders; look just back ov hiz ears for sighns of pole evil, pinch him on the top ov hiz withers for a fistula, and look sharp at both shoulders for a sweeny.
Eleven.—Hook him tew a waggon that rattles, drive him up to an Irishman and hiz wheelbarrow, meet a rag merchant with cow bells strung acrost the top ov hiz cart, let an express train pass him at 45 miles to the hour, when he iz swetty leave a buffalo robe over him to keep oph the cold, ride him with an unbrel highsted, and learn hiz opinyun ov these things.
Twelve.—Prospekt hiz wind, sarch diligently for the heaves, ask if he iz a roarer, and don’t be afraid tew find out if he iz a whistler.
Thirteen.—Be sure that he aint a krib-biter, aint balky, aint a weaver, and dont pull at the halter.
Theze are a few simple things to be looked at in buying a good family hoss, there iz a grate menny other things tew be looked at (at yure leizure) after you have bought him.
Good hosses are skarse, and good men, that deal in enny kind ov hosses, are skarser.
Ask a man all about hiz wife and he may tell you, examine him cluss for a Sunday school teacher and find him all on the square, send him tew the New York legislature and rejoice that money wont buy him, lend him seven hundred dollars, in the highway, without witness or note, even swop dorgs with him with perfekt impunity, but when yu buy a good family hoss ov him, young, sound, and trew, watch the man cluss, and make up yure mind besides that you will have tew ask the Lord tew forgive him.
“An honest man iz the noblest work ov God,” this famus saying waz written, in grate anguish ov heart, by the late Alexander Pope, just after buying a good family hoss.
407GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT.
AT PORDUNK.
Agrikultur iz the mother ov provisions; she iz also the grandmother.
If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn’t be enny beans, and if it want for enny beans, thare wouldn’t be enny suckertash.
Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been diskovered since to be an honest way to get a hard living.
Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz lettis, and bukwheat.
The Billingsville agrikultural society opened Oct. ten, and waz a powerful success.
The reciepts ov the Agrikultural Fair waz upwards ov $30,000 (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)
The Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member ov Congress from our district, sold the agrikultur pools.
FUST DAY.
A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never trotted before for munny.
Thare waz thirteen entries.
Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)
The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov several fust-class females, and one white foot behind.
SEKOND DAY.
It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had, so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, and offering tew bet four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt.
408THIRD DAY.
The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than I ever saw her before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.)
It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man.
A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts.
This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the time being so slow.
Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds.
FOURTH DAY.
This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn’t never beat 2.25.
Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn’t aul trot tew once, so they took turns.
This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker’s colt.
He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust-rate farm, well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agrikultural men, but with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low.
Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss.
FIFTH DAY.
It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in betting on the weight ov hosses.
Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did.
One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft.
At the end ov the fifth day i cum away.
I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from whinnering.
The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made.
I think 2 minnits and 10 sekonds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)
I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the 409 ground, beside sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but they didn’t seem to attrakt enny simpathy.
The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots.
OATS.
Oats are a singular grain, perhaps I should say plural, bekauze thare iz more than one ov them.
They gro on the top ov a straw, about two foot, 9 and one quarter inches hi, and the straw iz holler.
This straw iz interesting for its sukshun.
Short pieces ov it, about 8 inches, or so, dipt into the buzzum ov a sherry cobbler, will suckshun up the entire cobbler in 4 minnitts, bi the watch.
I never hav tried this, but i kno lots ov young, and reliable men, who stand around reddy to prove this, if sum boddy will fetch on the cobbler.
This suckshun iz sed tew be a ded sure thing.
I hav been told bi a man, who iz a grate traveller, that in the game ov pharaoh, it iz the “splits” that win.
If this iz true, (reasoning from analogy), I have thought that the splits in the straw mite be in favour ov the cobbler and agin the suckshun.
But i aint certain ov this, in fakt i hav lost confidence in most everything, that haz to be proved, since i got so awfully dizzy, about four years ago, trieing to prove to the chaplain ov an engine company, that lager beer waz not intoxikating, but waz full sister to filtered rane water.
If i had time i would relate more about this circumstanse, but i must git back onto oats agin.
I like tew see a man stik tite tew hiz text, if he haz to bite into it to do it.
I should have made a profitable minister az fur az staying with a text iz concerned, for when i git through with a text, 410 yu kant work what’s left ov it into ennything else, not even a rag karpet.
Speaking ov rag karpets, brings mi wife tew mi mind.
Mi wife haz got a kind ov hidraphoby, or burning fever ov sum kind, for rag karpets in the rag, and i don’t have but one pair ov clothes at a time on this ackount, and theze i put to sleep, under mi pillo, at nite, when i go tew bed.
She watches mi clothes just az cluss az a mule duz a bistander, and i hav told all ov mi best friends, if i am ever lost, and kant be found soon, they may look for me in mi wifes last roll of rag karpet.
But for all this, i love mi wife with the affeckshun ov a parent, (she iz sevral years inferior to me in age,) and i had rather be rag karpeted bi her, than tew be honey fugled, with warm apple sass, bi enny other woman. But i must git back onto oats agin. Oats gro on the summit ov sum straw, and are sharp at both ends.
They resemble shu pegs in looks, and build, and it iz sed, are often mistaken for them by near-sighted hosses and shumakers.
I dont intend this remark az enny derogativeness to shumakers in the lump, for i hav often sed, in mi inspired moments, if i couldn’t be a shumaker, i would like to be a good lawyer.
Oats are a phuny grain, 8 quarts of them will make even a 411 stage hoss laff, and when a stage hoss laffs, you may know he is tickled somewhare.
This iz the natur ov oats as a beverage, they amuze the stummuck ov the hoss with their sharp ends, and then the hoss laffs.
I hav never saw a hoss laff, but i hav heard that it could be did.
Thare iz a grate menny folks, ov good moral karakter, who wont believe enny thing unless they kan see it, theze kind of folk are always the eazyest to cheat.
They wont beleave a rattle snaiks bight iz pizon untill they tri it, this kind of informashun alwus kosts more than it iz aktually worth.
It iz a middling wize man who proffits bi hiz own experience, but it iz a good deal wizer one, who lets the rattle-snaik bight the other phellow.
The Goddess ov korn iz also the the Goddess ov oats, and barley, and bukwheat.
Her name iz Series, she is a mithological woman, and like menny wimmen now a daze, she iz hard tew lokate.
Theze mithology men, and wimmin, work well enuff in poetry, whare a good deal ov lieing dont hurt the sense, but when you cum right down to korn in the ear, or oats in the bundle, all the gods and goddesses in the world, kant warrent a good crop.
It takes labor tew raize oats, and thrash them out, but ov all the lazy cusses that hav pestered the earth, since Adam waz a boy, the gods, and goddesses, hav always been too lazy to swet.
Enny being who haint never swet, dont kno what he iz worth.
I would like to see a whole parcell ov theze gods, and goddesses, in a harvest field, reaping lodged oats, in the month of August, they couldn’t earn their pepper-sass.
Oats are sold bi weight or mezzure, and are seldum (or perhaps i may say in confidence never) sold by count.
Eggs, and money, are counted out, but oats never.
412It would be well for nu beginners to remember this, it would save them a good deal of time on every hundred bushels ov oats.
Time iz sed tew be the same az money, if this iz positively so, Methuseler died ritch.
Methuseler waz exackly 999 years old when he died, now multipli this bi 365, which would only be allowing him a dollar a day for hiz time, and yu will find just what he waz worth.
Oats are worth from 40, to 75 cents a bushel, ackording tew their price, and aint good for mutch, only tew tickle a hoss.
They will choke a goose to deth quicker than a paper of pins, and enny thing that will choke a goose to deth (i mean on the internal side ov their thrut) iz, to say the least ov it, very skarse.
Speaking ov a goose, i hav found out at last what makes them so tuff, it iz staying out so mutch in the cold.
I found this out all alone by miself.
Oats are a very eazy krop tew raize.
All yu hav got to do, to raize sum oats, iz to plough the ground deep, then manure it well, then sprinkle the oats all over the ground, one in a place, then worry the ground with a drag all over, then set up nites tew keep the chickens, and woodchucks out ov them, then pray for sum rain, then kradle them down with a kradle, then rake them together with a rake, then bind them up with a band, then stack them up in a stack, then thrash them out with a flail, then clean them up with a mill, then sharpen both ends ov them with a knife, then stow them away in a granery, then spend wet days, and Sundays, trapping for rats, and mice.
It aint nothing but phun tew raize oats—try it.
One ov the best ways tew raize a sure crop ov oats, and tew git a good price for the crop, iz tew feed 4 quarts ov them tew a shanghi rooster then murder the rooster suddenly, and sell him for 25 cents a pound, crop and all.
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