The English Rogue: Continued in the Life of Meriton Latroon, and Other Extravagants: The Second Part

His Aunt and the maid joyn together, and by a blinde wager make him to be laughed and hooted at by the boyes; he is soundly revenged on them both for the same.

Never was Prentice more subject to a Master then my Aunt was to my Uncle, after the discovery of her leachery; his desires were commands, and those commands laws which were by her put in speedy execution, if he bid her go, she would run; doe that, it was no sooner said then done, but the greatest miracle of all was, that if she were never so busy in talking, yet if he said but peace, she would suddenly hold her tounge, which before used to be in perpetual motion, and was as hard to be stopped as a stream when it hath overflowne its banks, or the sails of a mill when the wind blows in its greatest violence, so that a serene sky seemed to have succeeded that storm that all things were pacified, and that my Uncle had contentedly put his horns in his pocket.

But though she carried fair weather in her countenance, she had storms of revenge in her heart towards me; for she did more than conjecture that it was I which had caused her all this mischief; and therefore since she durst not vend her spleen upon me her self, she used the help of her Maid, who brought the same to pass after this manner.

One evening (my uncle being abroad) whilest she, the maid and I were sitting alone by the fire, after some other discourse, the maid profer’d to lay a wager with me that I could not blindfolded with my tongue lick forth a six pence from betwixt her breasts, this I thought so easy a thing to do, that I willingly laid a shilling with her on the same, and presently accorded for to be blinded: which whilest she was doing, my Aunt (as it was before agreed) stepped forth of doors, and called in a Boy who was to act their design, as also some of the neighbours to be spectators of this my folly. Now in stead of the Maids brest, the Boyes Hose were put down, and his naked breech exposed to be the object for me to lick, which I greedily persued: but presently hearing a gigling, and senting a ranck smell, I soon desisted, as being very apprehensive what the matter was. But when I was unblinded, and beholding my shame before my eyes, I hung down my head and look't like a dog that had stole a pudding, much blaming my credulity, and bitterly cursing the great cause of that their jollity.

For a long time after I could not walk the streets, I was so laughed and hooted at by the Boyes, my Aunt and the Maid having spread the same abroad in every place, flesh and blood could not endure this, to see my enemies triumph in my shame, so that nothing now ran in my mind but revenge, the very thought of mischief was more sweet unto me than Muscadine and Eggs, and soon I thought upon a way for to do it. One of our neighbours who beared a little love to my Aunt, as she did to me, or loyalty to my Uncle, having a burning glass, I imparted my project unto him, who applauding my invention, willingly lent me the same; thus fitted with an instrument, I soon found out an opportunity to work my revenge. My Aunt being extreamly proud, used to wear Lawn Ruffs of a great value. One Sun-shiney day, sitting in the Shop a sowing with her back towards me, I took the burning-glass, and by attracting the Sun-beams set her Ruffs on a flame about her neck, which made her to shreik and bellow most hiddeously; whereupon I started up, and as if affrighted snatched up a payl of dirty water away from the Maid wherewith she was washing the Kitchin, and poured the same on my Aunts head; this though it made her to look like a Bawd that was newly alighted from the Cart wherein she had ridden for the sin of leachery, did she take as a great courtesie at my hands, having thereby extinguisht the fire wherein otherwise she might (she said) have perisht; not in the least judging it was I that did it, but imputing it as a just Judgment upon her for her intollerable pride, and vowing thereafter to be more humble in her carriage, and loving unto me.

Now though I thought I had plenary satisfaction for my abuse, of my Aunt, yet I resolved that the maid should in no case go scotfree, but that her disgrace should be equal to mine; Being thus resolved, I procur’d some Emmets Eggs by the help of a Countryman; the nature of which are, that being taken, in broth posset, ale, or the like, they will set the parties on farting, as if they would break their very twatling strings therewith. The very next day after I had gotten them, my Uncle had invited some Guests to dinner, wherefore I resolved to put my resolution in execution then. That morning the maid to strengthen her the better to go through her work, had provided her self a Caudle, she being of the same nature that most women are of, to know very well what is good for themselves, no sooner was her back turned, but I conveyed the Eggs into the same, which she very freely drank off, but presently her Belly began to wamble, and her back-side proclaimed aloud that she was very much troubled with winde; such loud reports she gave, and so fast they came one after another, that the good wife in the Tale of the Fryer and the Boy, was a meer nothing to her. I could not forbear laughing if I should have been hang’d to hear how fast she trumpt it about, which gave her occasion to mistrust that I had done something unto her; but when she went to rail at me, her tongue could not be heard for the exceeding noise that she made with her Tail. By this time my Aunt was come down off her Chamber, but hearing how the Maid talkt to her at both ends, she could not forbear laughing neither, which vexed the Maid worse than before. My Uncle hearing the great noise that was made, came also to see what was the matter, but Jane (for so was the Maids name) was so ashamed that she could not speak one word for blushing, only that her Tail proclaimed that she had a very great Civil War within her belly: poor Jane did all she could to hold it in but it would not do, but out it flew with such impetuosity, that my uncle could less forbear then we, but laughed as if he would have split himself. This treble noise of laughter made Jane to think that we had all conspired against her, wherefore she got into her Chamber, and notwithstanding dinner was to dress, yet locking the door, all the Rhetorick that could be used to her, could not prevail with her to quit her Chamber all that day.

Next morning (her body being now in a quiet temper) she appeared out of her den, but who should then have seen her looks might plainly perceive how anger and shame strove which should have most predominancy in her; at first her Clack began to go, but my Aunt pacifying her, she fell to her work as she was accustomed. Now over night I had so devulg’d it amongst the Boyes, that when that forenoon she was sent to market, she had not been far out of doors but she had a hundred boyes at her heels, farting with their mouths, and making such loud hoots and hollows, that she was forced to return back again, where inclosing her self within her Chamber till night, she packt up her cloaths and in the dusk of the Evening departed away, whither I never saw her afterwards.

Some abuses of Chyrurgions; the knavery of Tapsters, Hostlers and Chamberlains, with a brief character of a drunken Host.

Having now attained to about twelve years of age, my uncle began to instruct me somewhat in his art of Chyrurgery, intending when I had attained some small perfection therein, to send me to Sea, although my minde never stood that way, resolving not to be mue’d up in a wooden Cage, where there was but some few inches distance continually betwixt me and death. In this small tract of time that I was thus employed with my Uncle, I found out much cuningness in his art whereby to gain money, for if it were but a prickt finger, he would make a great matter of it, and tell you what danger you had been in if you had staid but a minute longer; instancing how such a one his Patient by only cutting of a Corn, and drawing blood, it turned to a Gangreen, which by bad handling of unskilful Chyrurgions growing worse and worse, they were at last inforced to send for him, who in a few days made him perfectly sound, that otherwise (had he not come to him) must inevitably have perisht.

Now because monyed Customers were something rare, when they did come we made both their bodies and purses smart for it; lengthening out the healing of their wounds, the better to wire-draw their purses. Indeed we were not so much beholding to the Wars, as we were to the Stews, unless sometimes a Tavern quarrel brought us a Patient; but then what a brave incitement we had to make him part with his mony, telling him he might recover that and ten times more of his Adversary, that we would be witness for him, and that if he had not met with a skilful Chyrurgion, it would have cost him his life; when as perhaps it was but a little scratch, his block-head being too hard for to receive any deep wound.

One story of a Patient I shall relate, not so much to show the rarity of his cure, but the malice of a woman which occasioned his hurt.

The fellow by his profession was a Plaisterer, who had a most damnable scold to his wife, that used to fetch him from the Ale-house with a Horse-pox; one night coming home three quarters drunk, she acted the part of Zantippe, and make the House to ring with her scolding; this musick was so untunable in her husbands ears, that getting a Cudgel in his hands, he fell to be labouring her as Sea-men do stock-fish, until he made her to ask him forgiveness, and promise him never to scold so again: Having thus as he thought got an absolute conquest over her tongue, he went quietly to Bed, where he slept soundly, whilest she lay awake studying of mischief. In the morning before he wak't she examind his pockets for mony, the common tricks of a great many women; but found nothing in them save only some lath-nails; these did she take and set upright all about the Chamber, which done she gets a pail of water in her hands, and calling aloud, commands him to rise, which he refused to do, she throws the pail of water upon the Bed; this so vext him that starting suddenly up, he went to run after her, when his naked feet lighting upon the lath nails, he was forced to slacken his pace, being so mortified with them, that for three quarters of a year afterwards he lay under my Uncle’s hands.

But to return where I left. I had not been long at the Trade, when my Uncle one day walking down to Wapping, provided me of a master to go to Sea, which (as I told you before) I was fully resolved against, and therefore very peremptorily I told him that I would not go, which so incensed him that he vow’d that I should not stay any longer in his house; I was the less troubled at his words because the day before I had heard of a Tapster in an Inn not far off that wanted a Boy; thither therefore went I and profferd my service unto him, which he as readily accepted, and the same night was I entertained into the House, he having heard the cause of my departure from my Uncle, for which he rather blamed him than me.

Now was I in my Kingdom having store of company, and my fill of strong drink, which two things I dearly loved. I applied my self to my calling very diligently, and soon learned to cry Anon, anon Sir, and By and by, with as much alacrity as the best Tapsters Boy in Christendom. My Master taught me how to nick the Canns, and froth the Jugs, and with the crotched chalk to score up two flaggons for one, and I quickly found the way, when Company was drinking to take away flaggons before they were half empty, and full tobacco-pipes amongst the foul ones. When Company first came in, I always observ’d to bring them of the best liquor, but when they were half drunk, then that which run on Tilt, or the drappings of the tap should serve their turn; if they found fault, I would take it away to change it, but nevertheless they should be sure to pay for it, as if they had drunk it.

One thing I observed of my master, that if the Reckoning once came to above three shillings, he would be sure to bring in six pence or eight pence more than it was; then when the Company were going away he would say, Nay stay, Gentlemen, & take my half dozen Cans before you go, which most commonly produced another reckoning, the Gentlemen not knowing how to retaliate his kindness without doing so, by this means getting their mony, with thanks to boot. If Gentlemen brought tobacco of their own, we would say it stunk were it never so good, and feigning a Cough as if half stifel’d, cry out, Who is it that takes of this stinking stuff? this is enough to suffocate the Devil. Which would make some Gentlemen to throw away their pipes and say, Pox on this Grocer he hath cheated me damnably, come give us three pipes of your tobacco, which when they have had they would commend for superexcellent, although perhaps twelve pence in the pound worse than his own, by which may be proved that tobacco is nothing else but a meer fancy.

I seeing my master cozen Gentlemen so frequently, thought with my self that I might cozen them also, or at least-wise cozen my master, who so often cozened others, being warranted thereto by that of the Poet.

And therefore when he was out of the way, to the reckoning I would add a groat, six pence, eight pence, or twelve pence, according as it was in bigness, which yet I would also score up, lest if he came in the way before it was paid, and should tell the score; I might be mistrusted; but if I received the mony before he came, then the over-plus went into my own pocket, which could not be discovered when the chalk was wiped out.

In Summer, when people drank in Canns, if my Master were in company (as oft-times he was invited by Guests to drink with them) we had a Can with a false bottom that held not above a quarter of a pint, which in the delivery of them I always so ordered as that Can came to his hands, which he would drink off leisurely, and then turning the bottom upwards, it past undiscerned, saving thereby much beer in a day, keeping himself sober to drink in other companies.

In Winter for morning-draughts we furnished our Guests with Gravesend toasts, which is bread toasted over night, our plenty of Guests not permitting us to do it in the morning; if we put any of them into drink before our Guests (as sometimes we were forced to do) we would be sure to warm the beer or ale before-hand, and in putting in the toast cry siz, although it were as cold as a stone.

But my Master and I were not all the cozeners that belonged to the Inn, the Hostler claimed as great a share in that mistery as we. His chief cunning consisted in tallowing Horse-teeth that they should eat no hay; or when a Gentleman gave his Horse oats, no sooner was his back turn’d, but he would steal them half away, telling the Gentleman, his Horse must needs travel well he was so quick at his meat. If a Gentleman’s saddle were any thing torn he would be sure to make it so bad that he could not ride any further with it without mending, as also to spoyle the shoes on the Horses feet, that he must be forced to have new ones, for which he had pensions from the Smith and the Sadler.

Nor must I here forget the Chamberlain, who deserved to be rancked with the foremost for Roguery; he was a sly thief, and used to cheat Guests with foul sheets, pretending them to be clean, when as they had been lain in three or four times; and then a little water strowed on them, and foulded up and prest, made them seem as if new washt. He was a very diligent observer of Gentlemens Cloakbags, whether they had good silver linings in them or no, which if he found to be ponderous, his next care was to inquire what Country-men they were, which way they travelled, and the like, which having found, he gave intelligence accordingly to a Gang of Highway men, with whom he was in continual pay.

These were the Servants that belonged to this Inn, such a parcel of Canary-birds as well deserved to look through a Hempen Casement at the three corner’d tenement in the high-way betwixt London and Paddington. Were not those Guests well blest think ye, which hapned in such a place where none but knaves, thieves, and cheaters were their attendants? Now you cannot but imagine that the Master of such Servants was well worthy of his place, I shall therefore only give you a brief character of the Host himself, and so proceed on in my discourse.

He seemed by his bulk to be of the race of the old Gyants, and though his belly were not so big as the tun at Heidleburg, yet a flaggon of beer therein seemed no more than a man in Pauls. He commanded with as much imperiousness as if he were the great Cham of Tartaria, and had an excellent faculty to strut along the streets with the top of his staff bobbing against his lips, he could call the young wenches whores with a great grace; and when he took tobacco, his mouth vented smoak like the funnel of a Chimney. He much blamed the English for affecting to drink wine, preferring beer and ale before all forraign liquors whatsoever. To show his loving nature he would drink with all companies, and would toss off a Cann with celerity and dexterity. He would not be jealous though he saw another man kissing his wife, knowing such her familiarity to be the greatest Load-stone that attracted Guests to his house, in summe, his forenoons work was to scoope in beer by the Quart, and the most part of the afternoon to spend in sleeping.

In this house I wasted away my time nigh three quarters of a year, but then a sad accident befel my Master, which left me again to shift for my self; he had belike been dabling in private with Prudence, one of the maids belonging to the house, I know not what the business was, but she looked so bigly on him that he could not endure her sight, and therefore to avoid it, he privately put off his Cellar to another, and having received his money, marched off incognito, leaving me to the wide world; for this new Tapster having a boy of his own, dismissed me to shift for my self.

The cheats of Cookes, a story of the Spirit in the Buttery, he steals a silver Bowl, the Cozenages of Astrologers; the death of his Father being killed in a drunken brangling.

Long I was not without a Master, being entertayned into a Cooks service, of which I rejoyced not a little, being in good hope however the world went, that I should not be starved in a Cookes shop, one extraordinary priviledge I had by living in this service; for if the old proverb be true, that the nearer the bone, the sweeter the flesh, then I always ate of the sweetest, my diet being to pick the bones that came off of Gentlemens Tables. During the time that I lived here, although I had been a young wench, I should not needed to have feared being troubled with the Green-sickness, running up and down stairs so many score times in a day would have cured me of that malady; those who had seen my nimbleness would have absolutely judged that my shooes were made of cork, I was as light heel’d as she who hath made her Husband Cuckold seven and twenty times over. My Master drave a great trade, not onely in boil’d meat and roast meat, but also in baking small pies, which the women cryed up and down the streets for him. Every Friday I observed we had brought in a Porters basket full or two of pieces of raw meat, which though me thought they smelt very unsavory, yet were they made use of, some minced, others pepper’d and salted, and put into pies, ere the week went about they all marcht off, I wondered for a great while from whence this meat came, at last I was informed by one of the Prentices, that it was such pieces as were cut off of the stinking raw hides, that were brought into Leaden-hall to sell there on Fridays; bless me thought I, what deceit is here! then did I think on the old Proverb, that the blind eats many a fly. No marvel that sicknesses are so rife, since such unwholsome food must needs introduce them. Now because those pieces of meat were lean and dry, they used to mix with them such fat pieces of meat as Gentlemen left, adding thereto some dripping, and such like stuff, which altogether made a gallant hodg-podg for hungry stomacks.

To roast meat twice over is so commonly now used amongst most Cooks, that I think I shall not need to mention this as a rarity in my Master; and yet would not that, nor what I mentioned before, nor his buying of Carrion, such meat as would have dyed alone had it not been killed, being diseased or maimed, and selling it for good; all this (I say) would not do, notwithstanding all his great pains, but still he went backwards in the world; which puts me in mind of a story that I have heard some while ago, concerning an evil spirit that haunts the houses of such persons who use unconscionable wayes whereby to grow rich, which though it be nothing as concerning my life, yet I think it not amiss to relate the same, as being not altogether impertinent to our purpose.

In the City of Bristol (a place which may compare with the choicest of England for the fairness of the buildings, and richness of trading) within the memory of our Fathers, there lived a young man named Francisco, who although prentice to a Baker, yet when his time came out, set up the trade of a Cook. This young man was very desirous to gain a great estate quickly, and so impatient he was of being rich on a sudden, that he resolved to leave no means unattempted which should lye in his way whereby he might effect his desire, for so he might gain, he stood not upon what means whereby he might doe it; bad infected meat he sold for good, nickt his Canns, froatht his Jugs, scored up two flaggons for one, yea what not? but all his endeavours arrived not to that height which he expected, for notwithstanding he went forward in trading, doe what he could he went backwards in thriving. This Francisco had a Priest to his Uncle, that lived about some twenty miles off him, who had bestowed some small matter on him when his time came out whereby to set him up, and two years being now expired, he repaired to his Nephew to see how fortune had favor’d him, and whether he had made any improvement of that little he had given him. The Nephew entertained him kindly, and feasted him royally, but when his Uncle asked him how the world went with him, he could not chuse but sigh, telling him what endeavours he had used whereby to encrease his estate, but that all proved fruitless. Ah Cozen (said the old man) come along with me, and I will show you the thief that steals away all your gains, and thereupon taking him by the hand he lead him into the Cellar, where when they were come, they beheld a big fellow with a paunch like a tun, his eyes strutting out with fatness, his thighes like to mill-posts, so unweildy that he could hardly go; there they saw him gurmandizing on the cold meat that was left, devouring more in a minute then six hungry plough-men could doe in half an hour; after he had so eaten, he takes a flaggon in his hand, and of the best beer, swallows down five or six of them full one after another, which being done he vanisht away; this Cousin (said the Priest) is the Spirit of the Buttery, who so long as you use unconscionable wayes by cheating of people, hath power over what you have, which he will so invisibly devour, that do what you can for the gaining of an estate, it is but all in vain; and therefore if you intend to thrive, you must take a clean contrary course to what you have done, and by dealing honestly, there is no question but a blessing will follow upon your endeavours.

The young man promised very faithfully to do according to his Uncles directions, who thereupon returned home again: accordingly when his Uncle was gone, he began to work a thorow reformation, bought of the best meat, sold good pennyworths, filled his flaggons, scored right, and dealt justly in all his acting, doing this, he quickly begins to thrive in the world, grows rich, purchases house and land, and hath a great stock by him besides; in so much that his wealth being taken notice of, he was soon after chosen one of the Aldermen of the City. His Uncle afterwards comes again to visit him, to whom he relates his change of condition, and how God had blessed him with a plentifull estate. Now Cousin (said the old Priest) let us again visit your Cellar; when they came there, they beheld a thin, lean, meager fac’d fellow, one that seemed more like an Anatomy than a man; his ribs appeared through his cloaths, his eyes were sunck into his head, his cheeks look’d like to shriveld parchment, and his legs (which were no bigger than cat-sticks that boys use at trap-ball) were so weak as would hardly support his body. He went to a platter of cold meat, but had not strength enough to lift it up to his head; afterwards he assayed to draw some beer, but could not pull the tap out of the fasset, so that seeing his endeavours were in vain, with a deep sigh he vanisht away. Now Nephew (said the old Priest) you may plainly perceive what it was that hinder’d you from thriving before and therefore now since you are thoroughly instructed whereby to be rich, I shall take my leave of you, wishing with all my heart that all of your profession would leave off their cheating and couzening tricks, and take the same course of life whereby to thrive as you have done.

Now, said he, what think you of this discourse? is this quiet besides the matter or no? in truth (quoth I), I think it is very pertinent to the purpose, and I wish all tradesmen would follow the example, for when they have done all they can, they will finde in the end that honesty is the best policy, and to deal justly the high-way to grow rich: the best bed-fellow to sleep with is a good conscience, and well doing (were there no reward for it in the world to come) yet were it a sufficient recompence in it self. But leaving this discourse, as that which is rather to be wished for, than ascertained to be practised in this evil age of ours: let me entreat you to proceed on in the discourse of your life, as a thing which I much desire to hear.

That shall I gladly do, said he. Know then that after I had been at this Cooks some small space of time, my Father returned home from being a Soldier, in that voyage he was prest out as I told you of before; now though he did not go out full, he returned home more empty than he went out; without cloaths, and without money to buy any; and which was worst so pinched with hunger, that he looked like a scare-crow, or one newly risen from the dead. It grieved my heart to see him in this condition, but how to remedy it I did not know; some little money I had which was left of that I snipt in the Tapsters service, which I very freely bestowed upon him, but alas that was gone as soon almost as received, and I having no more to supply him, he asked me if we had no plate, that went about the house? I told him we had; then (said he) to furnish me, you must at such time as your house is full of Guests, upon their going away convey a silver bowl into a secure place, which you may afterwards deliver for me to one whom I will send for that purpose, for I will not come to your house my self, because there shall be no suspition of me; I promised him to do as he bid me, appointing him the time when he should send the man, which was the next day; accordingly he came and I deliver’d him a large silver bowl, which he carried cleverly away. At night when my Master came to lock up his plate, the best bowl was missing, which put all the house into disorder; my Master swore, my Mistress scolded, the Servants grumbled, but who to blame not any one could tell; onely the maid said she saw it in my hand that afternoon, for which I wisht her tongue in a cleft stick, but stoutly denyed that I had seen it that day: indeed my Master had a great conceit of my honesty or else her bawling might have discover’d me, for had they charg’d me with it strongly, I should not have had the impudence to have stood out in the denyal of it, having that within me which strongly checked me for doing it. But after some small inquisition about it, it was generally agreed that some of the Guests had stollen it away; then next was inquiry made what several companies we had that day, and which of them was the most to be suspected; but the more they thought, the worse they were satisfied, not one appearing more probable than another; wherefore it was agreed by a general consent, that the next morning the Maid and I should go to a cunning Astrologer about it, one who was cryed up for art to be little inferior to Fryer Bacon, for though he could not make a brazenhead to speak, yet he had such a brazen face of his own, as could out-face the Devil himself for lying.

I was not afraid to go, though I knew my own guilt, because I always judged that Art to be a meer cheat, and though they lay their nets very plausibly to take the people; yet they seldome catch any but owls and wood-cocks. Knocking at the door, Master Astrologer came out unto us, so wrapped up in his Purple Gown, that you could scarcely see e'r an honest limb of him; he had on his head a black cap with a white one under it, which was turned up some part over the black one, that it looked like a black Jack tipt with silver. After we had discovered our business unto him, he told us the price of his art was a shilling whether he found out the thief or no; we knew it was in vain for us to contend with him, and therefore we very freely gave it him, by which he perceived that the stars were very auspitious to him in that hour, or else (for ought I know) he might have gone without his mornings-draught. When he had received our money he very formally set himself down in a Chair, having a peice of white paper before him, and then taking a pen in his hand, he made thereon several Triangles and Quadrangles, with other Crotchets and Whimsies, which he called the twelve Houses. Jupiter said he being Lord of the Ascendent, signifies good luck for the gaining your Cup agen, did not Mars interpose with an evil aspect towards Mercury. Now Venus being on the fiery Trigon, denotes the party that had it lives either East or West; and Saturn being Retrograde, and in the Cusp of Taurus, it must needs be that it is hidden under ground either North or South. Then asked he us if there were not a red hair’d man there that day? we told him no, nor a black hair’d man neither said he? we still answer’d no; nor was there not (said he) a brown hair’d man there, with grey Cloaths, not very tall, nor very low? we told him yes; then asked he us if we knew him or no? we answered no. The Sun saith he being ill posited in the eleventh House, and Mercury in Trine with Virgo it was without all doubt a brown hair’d man that had your bowl. Then asked I him if it might not be a woman as well as a man? this put him something to his trumps; but when the Maid said that could not be, for there was never a strange woman there all that day, he grew bold and answer’d, no; for Venus said he being weak in reception with Gemini, and the Moon in her detriment, both Feminine Planets, does plainly tell that it was a man, and one betwixt forty and fifty years of age. Upon my life said the Maid, I saw the party that had it, he was a curld pated fellow, with a whitish Cloak and a sad coloured suit, about thirty years of age, he dined in the half Moon, and had six penny worth of roast beef to his dinner; but if ever I see the Rogue agen, ile teach him to steal bowls with a murrain to him. I could not chuse but laugh to my self at the wenches confidence, and the cheat of the Astrologer, and to think how poor silly people are cozened by these Jugling Artists, for no better term can I give them, as believing no truth at all in their prædictions; for let me ask them this question, whether the Stars do compel or only encline? if they say they compel, they speak little less than blasphemy, by ascribing too much to Nature, and derogating from the Deity. If they only encline, then what sure ground-work can there be for what they say, when their conjectures are but only probable? And for their Doctrine of nativities, that if a man be born under such a Planet, his destiny will be so and so, and he will come to such an end; we see oft-times that in a battel, a Canon bullet kills five or six at one instant, who no doubt were born under several Planets, and yet come all to one fate; or if they say it is possible so many might be born under one and the self same Planet and aspects; yet let me go further with them; we have known battels at Sea, when by an unhappy shot a Ship hath sunk in an instant, with six or seven hundred men in her, who have all been drowned in the deep. Will they say these were all born under one Planet? verily if they should so say, I should not believe them; therefore I may say of our Astrologers as Cato said of the Aruspices of Rome in his time, that he wondred how one of them could forbear to laugh, when he met with any of his fellows, to see how they deceived men, and made a great number of simple ones in the City. But I tire your patience with this digression, for I expect not my words will work any Reformation in them, seeing they may say with Demetrius in the Acts of the Apostles, that by this Craft they get their wealth.

To return therefore where we left, having taken leave of the Astrologer, away we went home agen, fraught with a Sackful of news to tell our Master. No sooner were we within doors, but the Maid set her clack agoing; Master (said she) the Cunning man hath told us exactly who it was that stole your bowl, he hath described him fully from top to toe, not so much as his very shoostrings but he told us of what colour they were of, his hat, his hair, his beard, his doublet, breaches, hose, not one thing that he omitted. I served the Rogue that stole it with Roast-beef my self, the Devil choak him with it, for I think silver will not; but if ever he comes here again, or that I meet him in the streets, ile serve him such a trick as shall make him wish he had never drank out of any thing in his life but a wooden dish. I said nothing all this while, and though I knew she lied most abominably in what the Astrologer said, yet I confirmed her speeches, hoping this would forever take away suspition from me of being culpable, only I thought with my self if that party she imagined to have it should come again to the House, what a coil she would make with him; but whether she forgot his Physiognomy, or that the man never came there agen, I never after that heard any more of the matter.

In the mean time my father had disposed of the purchased prize, bought him an old suit with some part of the mony, and ranted it in the ale-house with the rest of it, for what is thus gotten over the Devils back is for the most part spent under his belly. At last his sinful life had a Tragical conclusion, for one of his Comrades and he being fudling together, they chanced to fall out, and from words proceeded to blows, where my father recieved such a knock on his pate with a flaggon, that though it killed him not out-right, yet he survived not long after; making his end answerable to his life: for as he led a troublesome life all the dayes he lived, so he put the Parish to some trouble at his death, who were forced to be at the charge of burying him.

The abuses of Nurses, and keepers of sick people, his Master dyeth, the knavery of his Executor both in his trade and office: he lives with a Locksmith, the knavery of that trade.

I was the less grieved for the death of my father, knowing, if he had lived, he would have brought me to the Gallows, for he would have been always in want, and urging me to supply him, which I could not do any other wayes than by theft; but that now he was dead I resolved quite to give over the practice of it, for fear in the end, it should bring me to look through a hempen casement. And now I bent all my endeavours to please my Master, knowing I had few friends to rely upon; I was up with the first, and down with the last, and refused no work I was set unto, and I found the benefit of my diligence at last, for it pleased God to visit our family with the Pestilence, which in a weeks space, swept away all the whole Houshold but my Master and I. In this weeks time I observed the abuses and cheats of Nurses and Keepers, such who look to people who are visited with the sickness. Two of these Jades we had in our house, who when my mistris lay distracted with the distemper, took away her keys, and ransackt her Trunks, from whence they took a purse full of money, most of it gold, which she had gathered unknown to my Master, intending to keep it for her further need, (or as we say) against a rainy day. Thus these Jades convey’d away together with a great deal of the best linnen in the house, which was done by the help of the watch-man that guarded the door, who was son-in-law to one of the Queans, and now that my Master might not discover their theft, they sent her of an errant to her long home, by giving her drinks and other slops, quite contrary to what the Physicians prescribed, by the same way they dispatch’d the maid, and the Prentices, with a little Girle, the only Child my Master had; and now was none remaining but my Master and I, whom they intended should have followed after the rest, then they might have plundered without controul; but I seeing how soon my fellows were gone, and observing that they all dy’d presently after they had received any of their slops, would have nothing to do with them, perswading my Master to do the like, affirming it even before their faces, that they were the persons that had kill’d my Mistriss and the rest, and would if let alone, make a hand of us too. But these impudent Jades hearing me begin to discover their villanies, would have perswaded my Master that I was also infected, and that it had already taken my brain, which caused me to talk so idly, and so began to seize upon me, intending to have ty’d me into a bed, which if they had done I should never have come out of it alive, but my Master interposing bid them let me alone, for he himself was of the same mind with me. These bold Queans hearing him say so, one of them flew at him; you old dotard said she, do you begin to talke idely too, we must tame you yfaith, & so attempted to pull him down, whilst the other was as busie with me: my Master and I strugling with them what we could: but perceiving them to be too hard for us (for they were two stout Mastiff Queans) we got to the window and cryed as loud as we could, and thereby gathered a great many people together to know what was the matter, to whom we related the great danger we were in of being murdered by the two women that were with us, desiring by all means, that we might be rid of them, they being the greatest plague we were infected withal at the present, and whom we dreaded as much as death it self; Amongst others that came (alarm’d by this outcry) was a Shoomaker that lived not far off who was near of kin to my Master, and thought himself no mean fellow, he being at that time Overseer of the poor, this man kept a great bustle, commanding the door to be broken open, which being done with as much imperiousness as a Countrey Justice domineers over a hedge-breaker, he commands the two women to depart out of the house, which they (being conscious of a self guilt) accordingly did, to the no little joy of my Master and me, who fear’d we should have perished under their merciless hands.

Being rid of these two Harpyes, I was more than double diligent towards my Master, well hopeing that Death with his beesom would sweep him away also, which I judged the rather could come to pass, because the thred of his life was spun out to a far greater length than mine, not at all considering, that the Pestilence makes no difference betwixt age and youth; or if it doth, sooner seizes upon youth than age, as having more matter to work upon. But I was so confident that my Master would die, and that I should live, that I would rather perform all offices towards him, than to admit of a partner to plunder the House with me when he was dead. But three dayes being passed, and no alteration at all appearing in him, I began then to alter my opinion, and feared he would escape and not have it at all; and therefore I began to cast my wits about, and consider with my self, what I had best to do; now I knew conceit would do much with him, and therefore I first begun to tell him, that he looked very ill all of a sudden, asking if he felt no alteration in his body? which at first he said, no; but afterwards upon my perswasions that he must needs be sick, he soon grew conceited that he was so indeed, in so much, that at last I told him, that he had the perfect symptoms of a dying man upon him; those words struck him to the very heart, that without further delay he went to the window, called for a Porter, and sent him for a Shoomaker I spake of before, to come to him presently, and bring a Scrivener along with him. I asked him what he would do with a Scrivener? but when he told me it was to make his will, I was ready to swound, fearing he would take an inventory of his goods also, and so hinder my pelfering when he was dead, for I was now fully minded to theive from him what I could, notwithstanding my resolution but a little before to leave it off, I feared to be known for stealing the silver bowl: so hard it is for those that are principled in wickedness, to leave off that vice they have been accustomed unto; however I praised him for his care therein, that he would settle his mind as to outward affairs, they might be no hindrance to his more pious thoughts, which now should be bent altogether to Heaven-wards.

Scarce had I made an end of praising his good intentions, but that the Shoomaker and the Scrivener were come, to whom out of the window, he declared his mind for the disposing of his estate. First, he commended his Soul unto Heaven, and his Body to Earth, which I wished had been racked up in it before the Scrivener came. Next (said he) for the good and faithful service he hath done me, I bequeath to my Boy Gregory (for that is my name) the sum of twenty pounds, whereof ten pound to be bestowed on him in Schooling,the other ten pound to buy him Cloathes, and put him out to Apprentice to some Handy-craft Trade. I hearing my Master to say this, could not but reflect upon my monstrous ingratitude that I should go to kill him that was so kind to me, and had so much care for my future livelihood; but covetousness cancels all obligations, and therefore is well termed the Spring head of all ungodliness. Next (said he) I bequeath to the poor of the Parish wherein I live, the sum of five pounds, three pound thereof to be laid out on Cloaths for them, to make them apparel, and bestowed on such as my Executor shall see most needful; and the other forty shillings to be laid out in bread for them, and to be distributed the next four Sundayes after my decease, each Sunday alike till it be out. The rest of his estate he gave unto the Shoomaker. whom he made his full and sole Executor, giving him a great charge to be careful of me, and so having subscribed and sealed it, he betook him to his bed, as prepared to die; and free leave he had to go both of me and the Shoomaker also.

To hasten him on the more, I perswaded him to sweat, which he was willing to do; so I covered him with as many Clothes as he was able to bear, and being in a violent sweat, he called for some strong waters; whereupon I went to the Pump and filled him a pint of such sober liquor as that yielded, and brought it to him; which having tasted, he asked me what I had brought him? I told him it was excellent good white anny-seed, he said, it tasted like fair water; I told him, that was only the badness of his Pallet which could not distinguish any thing; truly (said he) it tasteth so small, that I think you may leave the word anny seed out, and call it only white-water. Yet notwithstanding this he found such fault, his parching thirst caused him to drink it all off, which gave such a sudden chill to his blood, that what with that and some other slops that I gave him, in three days time he turned up his heels and dyed.

No sooner was his breath out of his body, but I began to put in execution what before I had intended; and first I examined his pockets, wherein I found the sum of fourteen shillings and nine pence; eleven shillings whereof I took, leaving some, that I might not be suspected to have taken any, but this was nothing to what I thought to find in his Trunck, which I opened with an expectation to have mine eyes blest with the sight of store of white and yellow pieces, but the clouds dropped no such rain, the Trunk courted not me as Jupiter did Diana with a golden showre; some plate was in it, some Bonds and other writings, but no money. This was a shrew’d cooling card to my high hopes, which promised me Mountains, and performed not mole-hills; for as for the plate the Executor knew of each piece in the house, and Bills and Bonds signified no more to me, than meat to an hungry man which he might see but not come at; wherefore seeing it would be no better, I armed my self with patience, considering I had not lost by his death, he having given me twenty pound for the bringing me up to some learning and putting me out Apprentice, by which I hoped to be sufficiently able to live in the World; and therefore having secured the eleven shillings in the Coller of my doublet (mistrusting my pockets might be searched) I called for a messenger, and sent the Executor word of his death, not bidding him to have a care of frighting him in the delivery of his message, for I did not think the sudden news of his death would make him to break his heart with sorrow, there was less fear in that, than of a Usurer undoing a young Heir, when he once gets him into bonds. He having received the news, made no long tarriance before he came to me, bringing a couple of old women along with him to search the dead corps, that an account might be given what he dyed of, which is a thing that (you know) is usual. But before I proceed any further (having occasion here to speak of these searchers) give me leave to mention some abuses and cheats which I have observed to be practised by them.

They are indeed very necessary, especially in great Cities, that an account may be given of what diseases people die of, and that men may not have their lives shortned by violence, which appearing after their deaths, may be by them discovered; but these women have their Cheats too, for notwithstanding they are sworn to give a true information to the Parish Clarks, yet money can so blind their eyes, that if a man be poysoned, they can bring it in that he died of the French-Pox; and though a house be visited with the sickness, yet if the Master thereof be unwilling to be shut up for loosing his trading, if he do but greaze them in the fist with some money, they will make the Pestilence to be surfeit, and the spotted feaver (which is little inferiour to the Plague) the Swine-pox, and sometimes the Meazles; nay once I know two of these Searchers that for money brought it in that the party who had the spotted feaver, dyed of nothing else but the tooth-ach: Thus you see that it is an undeniable maxime, that there is Knavery in all trades, people being now grown so villanous in their practises, that they make the very dead to be accessary to their Cheats.

But to return to my story: The Shoomaker standing in the street, whilest the women came in, called to me, and bid me, if any of the Truncks were open, to lock them up, and throw the keys down to him; which I accordingly did, the fear of loosing his Mammon making him to dispence with any danger that might accrew to him by taking the keys. That night was my old Master buried, and a fortnight after (the Bedding and Cloathes being aired in the mean time, and I continuing sound) I was removed to his house, where I took special notice of his great care in performing my Masters will, and first for the three pounds that was given to buy the poor Cloathes, he bestowed the same on two suits for his own Boys, proving it to be the will of the dead it should be so; for (said he) they are poor who are in want, and his sons wanting Clothes, therefore they were to be reckoned in the number of the poor, and policy bids us this, always to provide for our own poor first. Then for the bread he ordered with the Baker so, that for every ten dozen, he would have a twelve penny loaf and yet were they made fifteen to the dozen, which over-plus above twelve he also took to himself, so that the penny loaves shrunk to the bigness of half penny ones, and only for the name there was no difference. I seeing how he had dealt by the poor, thought with my self that my Legacy would shrink also like Northern Cloath in the wetting, and my twenty pound, come to twenty shillings; but whilst I had cause for my self, I would not complain of his dealing by others, and therefore expected the event with patience.

Soon after I was set to School with a fellow that went in black Cloathes, and therefore taken for a man of learning because so habited; this man and his Schollars were both of one mind, for he cared not how little he taught them for their money, and they cared not how little they learned for it; but I who had no friends to rely on for bestowing any thing upon me afterwards, resolved not to neglect opportunity, but to gain what learning I could, thinking it might stand me in great stead another day, and therefore I so plyed my book, that in a short time I could read English very perfectly, and had some skill in writing and casting accounts.

During this time that I went to School, I plyed not my book so altogether, but that I observed some practices of the Shoomaker, both in his trade and in his office; and first for his trade, I saw he used two sorts of leather, one whereof was called mens leather, which was strong, fast, and would last well; the other he called womans leather, which was not half tanned, and would scarce last ten miles going; this last sort of leather (because it was cheap) he used most, especially in womens shooes, and the inner soals of mens: and sometimes I observed that if the inner soals were too little, he would slit them in the middle to make them appear on both sides, and at other times with his teeth he would stretch his leather, as for gain he would stretch his Conscience. Then for his office, for the bread that was given to the poor at the Church on Sundayes, he had a weekly fee from the Baker for his custom; and for other gifts that were to be distributed (as there was some Quarterly) that poor man that received them, must either do a dayes work gratis for him, or else present him with some gift worth half of what he was to receive, or else he was sure to go without it; so that in respect of his office, these verses of Withers were very applicable unto him,