The Foolish Dictionary / An exhausting work of reference to un-certain English words, their origin, meaning, legitimate and illegitimate use, confused by a few pictures [not included]

FACE A fertile, open expanse, lying midway between collar button and scalp, and full of cheek, chin and chatter. The crop of the male face is hair, harvested daily by a lather, or allowed to run to mutton-chops, spinach or full lace curtains. The female face product is powder, whence the expression, "Shoot off your face." Each is supplied with lamps, snufflers and bread boxes.

FAILURE The quickest method known for making money.

FEINT A pugilist's bluff.

FAINT A woman's bluff.

FAITH A mental accomplishment whereby an ear-ache becomes a Symphony Concert, a broken finger a diamond ring and a "touch" an invitation to dine.

FAKE A false report.

FAKIR A false reporter.

FAME Having a brand of cigars named after you.

FAMILY

Originally a wife and several children, a matter of pride to the possessor. Now obsolete among the careful, or confined to the wife, a bull pup and a canary bird.

FARE. The cost of a ride. See old adage, "Only the brave can work their fare."

FAULT About the only thing that is often found where it does not exist.

FICTION. The Constitutional fiat that "all men are created equal."

FIDDLER A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso who refuses to play a real tune.

FIRMNESS That admirable quality in ourselves that is detestable stubbornness in others.

FIG Nothing. Note, "I don't care a fig," etc.

FIG LEAF A small outer garment, next to nothing, worn by Adam 4000 B.C. and occasionally revived by Bostonian Art Committees.

FISHING An heroic treatment tried by some laymen to avoid falling asleep in church on Sunday.

FLAT A series of padded cells, commonly found in cities, in which are confined harmless monomaniacs who imagine Home to be a Sardine Box.

FLATTERY Cologne water, to be smelled of but not swallowed.

FLUE An escape for hot air.

FLUENCY The art of releasing the same.

FLUSH From Grk. phlox, heat. A rush of color to the cheek, or hand, caused by bodily—or poker—heat.

FLY A familiar summer boarder who mingles with the cream of society, gets stuck on the butter and leaves his specs behind.

FLY-SCREEN An arrangement for keeping flies in the house.

FOOT The understanding of a girl from the west.

FOOT-PATH Chicago, Ill.

FOOTBALL A clever subterfuge for carrying on prize-fights under the guise of a reputable game.

FOREIGNER

One who is eligible to the police force. From Grk. fero, to carry off, and enara, spoils. One who carries off the spoils.

FORBEARANCE The spirit of toleration shown when a man who knows, patiently listens to a fool who does not.

FRANC Twenty cents, in French.

FRANKFURTERS Four for twenty, in German. Derived from frank, open, and fortitude, meaning brave. Sold in the open and eaten by the brave.

FROST An old flame after the engagement is broken off.

FUN Joy.

FUNCTION Devoid of joy.

GALLON From the Fr. galonner, to make tight. Note, one is sufficient.

GALLANTRY This word is now almost obsolete. It was formerly employed to express a deferential attention on the part of the man who in a crowded car gave up his seat to the ladies.

GAMBLER From the Grk. gumnos, stripped to the skin. And the gambler's the one that does it.

GARDEN From the Fr. garantir, to make good. Hence, a place where lovers make good.

GARLIC From Grk. gar, for, and Lat. liceor, to bid. Good for the biddies.

GEM A breakfast muffin. With the newly married, syn. for "a precious stone."

GERM A bit of animal life living in water.

GERMAN

More animal life, living on beer.

GIRAFFE The champion rubber-neck of the world, and the longest thirst on record.

GLOBE An all-round proposition which has furnished its shareholders a living for several thousand years, though its stock is two-thirds water.

GOAT The honored founder and oldest inhabitant of Harlem, N.Y. Elsewhere, not in good odor.

GOLF An excuse for carrying unconcealed weapons and a Scotch breath.

GONDOLA A pleasure craft which plies in Venice, at World's Fairs and other popular watering places. From Eng. gone, and Lat. dolor, sadness, or Eng. dollar. Sadness gone; also, a gone dollar.

GORE Blood. Shed daily in Chicago abattoirs but never spilled in French duels.

GOSSIP Derived either from the Grk. gups, vulture, or Fr. gosier, wind-pipe. Hence, a vulture that tears its prey to bits, or an exercise of the wind-pipe from which every victim gets a blow.

GOUT The undesirable scion of High Living, which frequent the lowest joints and is mentioned only in the Invalid's Foot-Notes.

GOWN From Lat. gaudium, joy. A thing of beauty and a joy forever; if from Paris, generally an article of some Worth.

GUNPOWDER A black substance much employed in marking the boundary lines of nations.

GUM A substance for sticking.

GUM-GAME A game in which some one is stuck.

GUTTER A school in which we may study the dregs of humanity or read the reflection of the stars.

HAIR-DRESSER A linguist whose position in life enables him to do his head-work with his hands.

HAMMER A small, busy implement carried by blacksmiths, geologists and Knockers for breaking iron, rock or friendship.

HAMMOCK From the Lat. hamus, hook, and Grk. makar, happy. Happiness on hooks. Also, a popular contrivance whereby love-making may be suspended but not stopped during the picnic season.

HAND A much desired possession, supplied by The Damsel or The Dealer. GLAD HAND. The beggar's plea, the politician's sceptre and the drummer's ablest assistant.

HANDMAIDEN A manicure.

HARANGUE The tiresome product of a tireless tongue. From Eng. hear, and Lat. angor, pain. Painful to hear.

HARMONY From the Grk. arnumi, strain. Hence, full of strains.

HASH   ?

HATCH To develop eggs.

HATCHWAY Place for developing eggs; a hen-coop.

HAY-FEVER A heart trouble caused by falling in love with a grass widow.

HEARSE Seen on the dead.

HEARSAY Heard on the dead.

HEARSE A handsome vehicle in which the man who has always been a tail-ender is finally permitted to lead the procession.

HEART A bloody organ, kept in a trunk, played by beats, and enjoyed only after it is lost or given away.

HEAVE To raise.

HEAVEN A good place to be raised to.

HEDGE A fence.

HEDGEHOG One who hogs the fences. A Bill-Poster.

HELL Poverty.

HEREDITY The cause of all our faults. From Fr. here, wretch, and Eng. ditty, song. The song of the wretched.

HEROISM

A transferable ticket to the Haul of Fame. Once held by Hobson and Dewey, now carried by Mother Eddy and Brother Dowie.

HIP A popular location for the retail liquor business.

HISTORY The evil that men do.

HIT A chance for first place, first base or first blood.

HOCK v. t. To "soak" what we least need. In Germany, they generally "Hock the Kaiser."

HOMŒOPATHY See Allopathy.

HOOT MON! The Scottish National Hymn.

HOP To skip.

HOPPER A skipper.

HOPE A desire for better things to come that makes a grass widow willing to try it again. Also, a draft on futurity, sometimes honored, but generally extended.

HORN A sharp point.

HORNET Still sharper.

HORSE-SENSE A degree of wisdom that keeps one from betting on the races.

HOSE Man's excuse for wetting the walk.

HOSIERY Woman's excuse for walking in the wet.

HOTEL A place where a guest often gives up good dollars for poor quarters.

HOUSECLEANING A domestic upheaval that makes it easy for the government to enlist all the soldiers it needs.

HUG A roundabout way of expressing affection.

HUMOR An outbreak, either of skin or brains frequently branded as Rash.

HUNGER Ability to eat in a Night Lunch Cart.

HUSBAND The next thing to a wife. From Eng. hussy, woman, and bond, tie. Tied to a woman.

HYDRANT From Grk. hudros, water, and Eng. ante, to give up. Something that gives up water. (A good synonym for Dipsomaniac).

HYPOCRITE A horse dealer. From Grk. hippos, horse, and kroteo, to beat. One who beats you on a horse trade.

ICE A substance frequently associated with a tumble in winter, a tumbler in summer, and a skate the year around.

ICEMAN A cool proposition who has Axe-cess to the best families, makes his Weigh in every home and can take his Pick in the kitchen, if he leaves his Chips in the street. "How'd You Like to be The Iceman?"

IDIOT From Eng. idea, and out. One who is just out of ideas.

IDLE Useless.

IDOLIZE To make useless.

IMPECUNIOUS To be in a state of poverty. From Eng. in, and Lat. pecco, to sin, poverty being the greatest of all sins.

IMPERIOUS From Eng. imp, devil and aerial, airy. Airy as the devil.

INCANDESCENT LIGHT

From Lat. incendo, to burn, and Eng. cent, meaning money. An invention for burning money.

INCOME The reliable offspring of a wise investment. From Lat. in and coma, meaning sleep. Money which works while you sleep.

INDEPENDENCE Self government. Good enough for a Cuban, but too good for a Filipino.

INDIGESTION A distressing stomach trouble that is sometimes temporarily relieved by kicking the cat or whipping the children.

INDIVIDUALITY A harmless trait possessed by one's self. The same trait in others is downright idiocy.

INDORSE To write on the back of; the best indorsed man in town being the Sandwich-Man.

INFANT A disturber of the peace.

INFANTRY A defender of the peace.

INHABITANT A native of any village, town or city. OLDEST INHABITANT The Champion Liar.

INTUITION A fictitious quality in females—really Suspicion.

IRRITANT Something which irritates. COUNTER IRRITANT A woman shopping.

ISLAND A place where the bottom of the sea sticks up through the water.

ISOLATION From Eng. ice, meaning cold, and Lat. solus, alone. Alone in the cold.

JACK An instrument requiring a strong arm, and used for raising heavy weights, or for pulling off the boots.

JACK-POT An instrument requiring a strong hand, and used for raising heavy bets, or for pulling off the stakes.

JAG From the Spanish word zaga, meaning a load packed on the outside of a van. In America the load is packed on the inside of a man.

JAM

A pantry composition in A minor.

JANITOR From jangle, to quarrel, and torrid, meaning hot. Hot and quarrelsome.

JELLY-CAKE Synonym for Belly-Ache.

JERSEY Well knit.

NEW JERSEY Well bit. (See Mosquito).

JEW'S HARP

From Jew, a Hebrew, and Harp, a musical instrument, the Jew's musical instrument being a "Sell low!" (Old spelling, Cello).

JIMMY An implement employed by men of acquisitive natures who cannot afford seats in the Stock Exchange.

JOB An uncertain commodity regulated by a Union Card.

JOCKEY From jog, to move slowly, and key, something that makes fast. Hence, one who makes the pace fast or slow, according to instructions.

JOINT Either a low limb from the butcher, or a low quarter in town; in either case the lower the tougher.

JOKE A form of humor enjoyed by some and misunderstood by most; in England, requiring a diagram, raised letters and a club.

JOLLY v. t., To "con" or "josh."

JOLLY BOAT The Ship of State.

JUDGE One who sits on a bench in a court, frames sentences and finishes crooks for a living, and swears continually.

JULEP An insidious friend from the South, who hands you a mint and gives you a sweet spirit, followed shortly by a Bun.

JURY Twelve men chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

JUSTICE Fair play; often sought, but seldom discovered, in company with Law.

KANGAROO A hard drinker from Australia, especially fond of hops, and generally carrying a load.

KATYDID A gossiping grasshopper who is always meddling in Katy's affairs.

KEEPSAKE Something given us by someone we've forgotten.

KERNELS or COLONELS Articles often found in cores (or corps) and frequently surrounded by shells.

KEROSENE

An alleged provider of heat and light. From Lat. carus, meaning expensive and seneo, to be weak; expensive but weak. For further explanation, consult Standard Oil Company.

KEYHOLE

A frequent test for sobriety.

KID Either a boxing-glove or a first-born. In either case, hard to handle until well tanned.

KILTS A Scotchman's apology for indecent exposure.

KINDRED From Eng. kin, meaning relation, and dread, meaning fear; fearful relations.

KINDERGARTEN From Ger. kinder, children, and Lat. garritus, a babbling. A place for babbling children.

KINDLING-WOOD From Ger. kind, youth, and Eng. linger, to loaf. A place where youth generally loafs.

KISS Nothing divided by two; meaning persecution for the infant, ecstasy for the youth, fidelity for the middle-aged and homage for the old.

KISS An indescribable something that is of no value to any one, but is much prized by the right two.

KNOCKER A device on doors for rousing people; also, a device on foot for the same purpose.

LACE Among women, lace means lesson; wherefore they combine art and thrift by lessening the waist.

LACONIC Shy on words. From Eng. lack, meaning want, and connection; want of connection.

LAMP A light.

LAMPONED To be lighted on.

LARD Fat.

LARDER A fattener.

LARK A short, sweet spree enjoyed by night hawks. Also, an early rising singing-bird. (Dist. bet. "out on a lark," and "up with the lark," an impossible combination).

LASSIE One of the weaker sex.

LASSITUDE Slightly weaker.

LAUD Praise for the Almighty.

LAUDANUM Prays for himself—after taking.

LAUNDRY A place where clothes are mangled.

LAUGH A peculiar contortion of the human countenance, voluntary or involuntary, superinduced by a concatenation of external circumstances, seen or heard, of a ridiculous, ludicrous, jocose, mirthful, funny, facetious or fanciful nature and accompanied by a cackle, chuckle, chortle, cachinnation, giggle gurgle, guffaw or roar.

LAWYER One who defends your estate against an enemy, in order to appropriate it to himself.

LECTURE An entertainment at which it costs but little to look intelligent.

LEGISLATURE

From Lat. lego, to bring together, and latro, to bark or bluster; possibly from lex, law, and latens, unknown. Hence, a company of men brought together to bluster, or a company of law makers who know nothing about law.

LEISURE From Eng., lazy, and sure; assured laziness.

LENT A Church fast that is slow to go; or something loaned which is slow to come back.

LIE A very poor substitute for the truth but the only one discovered up to date.

LIMBURGER A native of Germany strong enough to do housework; well recommended for cleaning out the dining-room.

LIBRARY From Fr. libre, meaning free, and proper name ANDY. Something free from Andy Carnegie.

LINKS Found in sausages and golf courses, and both full of hazards.

LION A cruel beast who never patronizes the barber and is always bearded in his den, yet will furnish a close shave if you get near enough.

LOBSTER

The edible lobster is found off the New England Coast. The two-legged species is found everywhere. All kinds are green, but when roasted turn a bright red. Soubrettes are very dependent on both varieties for a living; together they furnish her with food, raiment, flats, diamonds, and occasionally indigestion.

LOBSTER-NEWBURG A dish ordered at hotels by those who usually get beans at home.

LOVE A man's insane desire to become a woman's meal-ticket.

LOVER An ardent admirer who says, "Yes, dearest, I will shovel the snow of the lake so that we can go skating!" and, after marriage remarks, "What! Shovel the snow off the walk for you? Well, I should say not! I'm no chore boy."

MAGAZINE A receptacle for explosives, literary or mechanical.

MAGNATE One who can float capital in a considerable body of water. From Lat. magnus, great, and nator, to swim; a great swimmer.

MAIDEN LADY A term applied to an old maid by those who wish to avoid hurting her feelings.

MALT A humble grain which often gets into a ferment, cools off and becomes Stout in its old age.

MAN Something that "Goes first on four feet, then two feet, then three, but the more feet it goes on the weaker it be!"

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN One who is on speaking terms with the head waiter.

MANICURE The only woman who can beat a carpenter at soaking nails.

MANNERS A difficult symphony in the key of B natural.

MARK In Germany, twenty-three cents. In the United States, only Twain.

MASCULINE From Grk. maskos, girl, and eukolos, easy. Easy for the girls.

MASSAGE A touch, with intent to rub it in.

MATRIMONY A game for women, in which the unmarried half are trying to find a husband and the married half trying not to be found out by one. Both halves are eminently successful.

MEAL According to the Liquor Law, a minute bunch of crumbs entirely surrounded by booze.

MEDIUM A party with one ear in the grave but both hands on your wallet. "Hello, Central! Give me Heaven!"

MELODEON An alleged musical instrument, popular at home, but unpopular next door. From Eng. melody, and Latin, un, without. Warranted without melody.

MENAGERIE From Fr. melange, mixture, and Ger. riechen, to smell. A mixture of smells.

MESSENGER BOY From Eng. miss, to fail, and Lat. engeo, to arrive. One who fails to arrive.

METER The gas man's trysting place. "Meet her in the cellar!"

MIND No matter. MATTER Never mind.

MINE A hole in the ground owned by a liar.

MINSTREL A footlight foul that makes its nightly lay in every city.

MIRACLE A woman who won't talk.

MIST Generally, a small, light rain. SCOTCH MIST A cloudburst.

MITTEN Something a tender-hearted girl gives a young man when she knows she is going to make it chilly for him.

MONEY Society's vindication of vulgarity.

MONOPOLY A modern device for impoverishing others. From Grk. monux, swift-footed, and polloi, the people. A swift kick for the people.

MOON The only lighting monopoly that never made money.

MORTGAGE From Fr. mort, death, and Eng. gag, to choke. A lawyer's invention for choking property to death.

MOSQUITO A small insect designed by God to make us think better of flies.

MOTH An unfortunate acquaintance who is always in the hole. And the only ones who try to get him out are his enemies.

MOUSE

The frequent cause of a rise in cotton.

NATURE The author of "The Seasons," an interesting work over which Spring pours, Summer smiles, and Autumn turns the leaves while Winter catches the drift of it all.

NECK A close connection between chin and chest, used for the display of linen, silk, furs, jewelry and skin, fitted with gullet, windpipe, hunger and thirst, and devoted to the rubber industry.

NEGRO One who votes your way. NIGGER One who doesn't.

NEIGHBOR One who knows more about your affairs than yourself.

NERVE

Breaking the hair-brush on the disobedient scion, then making him pay for a new one. See revised version, "Spare the rod and spoil the hair-brush!"

"NEXT" The barberous password to the heaven of the shaved and the unshaved.

NIP Something bracing from without or within When felt in the air, it's a frost. When found in a glass, a life saver.

NOBILITY A gang of foreign brigands having abducent designs on the American Damsel and the American Dollar.

NON-CONDUCTOR The motorman.

NOSE A prominent member of the face family, usually a Greek or Roman, who owns the shortest bridge in the world. He is often stuck up in company, but frequently blows himself when he has his grippe. Principal occupations, sniffling, snivelling, sneezing, snorting and scenting, intruding in the neighbors' affairs, stuffing himself without permission and bleeding for others.

NOTE (PROMISSORY) "The substance of things long hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

NOVEL A fabric that is often (k)nit in print, though the yarn be well spun.

NURSE

One who keeps setting up the drinks after you're all in.