The Foolish Dictionary / An exhausting work of reference to un-certain English words, their origin, meaning, legitimate and illegitimate use, confused by a few pictures [not included]

OAR

A popular device for catching crabs.

OATS England's horse-feed, America's breakfast and Scotland's table-d'hote.

OATH A form of speech that has many trials in court, but is never tried in Sunday School.

OBESITY

A surplus gone to waist.

OCEAN An old toper who is always soaked, has many a hard night along the coast, floats many a schooner, lashes himself into a fury because so frequently crossed, and has his barks in every port. At sea, the king of the elements; on shore, a mere surf.

OLEOMARGARINE The White Bread's Burden. From Eng. olio, a mixture, and Grk. margino, to be furious. A furious mixture.

OMNIBUS A test for Patience, still popular in England. From Grk. oneiros, dream, and baino, to go or move. A dream of motion.

ONION The all-round strength champion of the Vegetable Kingdom, garlic and cabbage being close rivals.

OPERA A drama that has taken on airs and refuses to speak, yet always sings its own praises. GRAND OPERA An excuse for displaying several boxes of jewelry and peaches with pedigrees.

OPINION The prodigal son of Thought. PUBLIC OPINION The world's champion pugilist, who has knocked out Law in many a hard fought bout.

OPIUM The real author of "The Dream Book."

OPTIMISM A cheerful frame of mind that enables a tea-kettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose.

ORCHARD The small boy's Eden of today, in which the apple again occasions the fall.

OSTRICH The largest and heaviest bird on earth, yet rated by his owners only as a featherweight.

OUTSKIRTS The only garments which clothe many a metropolis with decency.

OVEN The only sport who enjoys an equally hot time with or without the dough.

PAIN A sensation experienced on receiving a Punch, particularly the London one.

PALMISTRY A plausible excuse for holding hands.

PANTS Trousers' Country Cousins.

PARACHUTE

A successful method for getting the drop on the Earth.

PARAGON The model man a woman regrets she gave up for the one she mistakenly married.

PARENTS One of the hardships of a minor's life.

PASS A form of transportation issued free to those who are quite able to pay.

PASSENGER One who does not travel on a pass. (Antonym for Deadhead). From Eng. pass, to go, and Grk. endidomi, to give up. One who has to give up to go.

PARROT An individual who can never be held responsible for what he says.

PASTRY A deadly weapon carried by cafes, cooks and newly married housekeepers.

PATRIOT One who is willing to take all of Uncle Sam's bonds in a lump.

PAWN

v. t., To keep property in the family by leaving it all with your Uncle.

PAWNBROKER A mercenary man to whom money is the one redeeming quality.

PEACE A mythical condition of tranquillity frequently reported from the Phillipines.

PEACH A popular synonym for Fair Woman, probably because the peach is largely a skin and stony at heart.

PEARL A small round product manufactured by an oyster, bought by a lobster and worn by a butterfly.

PENITENT From pen, meaning to write, and intent, meaning determination. One who determines for the right.

PESSIMIST One who paints things blue. And sometimes red.

PHILISTINE In Bible times, one who worried the children of Israel; today, one who worries only himself. From Grk. phloios, bark, and tino, to punish. One who barks to punish.

PHILANTHROPIST One who returns to the people publicly a small percentage of the wealth he steals from them privately.

PHILOSOPHER One who instead of crying over spilt milk consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.

PHILOSOPHY Something that enables the rich to say there is no disgrace in being poor.

PIANO A tool frequently used in building a Rough House.

PIN The best dresser in a woman's acquaintance—of remarkable penetration and true as steel, seldom loses its head, follows its own bent and carries its point in whatever it undertakes.

PING-PONG A game invented for the benefit of furniture and crockery dealers.

PITY An emotion awakened in a man's mind when he beholds the children of a woman who might have married him instead.

PLATONIC LOVE An arrangement in which a man and woman attempt a correct imitation of a pair of icicles—and never succeed.

PLENTY A desirable condition that is likely to step out whenever Extravagance steps in.

PLUM A fruit that ripens and falls from the Political Tree—but only after careful grafting.

PLUMB To ascertain the capacity of.

PLUMBER One who ascertains the capacity of your purse, soaks you with a piece of lead and gets away with the money—a process vulgarly known as "a lead-pipe cinch."

POLE-CAT A small animal to be killed with a pole, the longer the pole the better.

POLICEMAN

A never present help in time of trouble.

POLYGAMY A thoughtless way of increasing the family expenses.

POLYGLOT A parrot that can swear in several languages.

POSTSCRIPT The only thing readable in a woman's letter.

PRETZEL The bar-keeper's promoter.

PROTECTION Originally, the swaddling clothes of the infant, Industry; now, merely the shoe-lacings for the giant, Monopoly.

PRO and CON Prefixes of opposite meaning. For example, Progress and Congress.

PRUDE A native of Boston.

PRUDENCE A quality of mind that restrains the wise boarder from trying to find out how his landlady makes her hash.

PRUDERY A quality that displays a lack of modesty as a wig does a loss of hair.

PRUNE A plum that has seen better days: the boarding-house veteran and the landlady's pet; badly wrinkled, yet well preserved.

PUGILIST A close-fisted party who is often roped in but never gives up till he's out.

PULLMAN PORTER A legalized train-robber.

PUNCH A weekly obituary notice from London, chronicling the death of Humor.

QUACK The Duck family's favorite physician.

QUAIL

v. t., To shrink—a characteristic of the bird when ordered in a restaurant.

QUEEN One entitled to rule a nation, make up a deck, or beat a knave.

QUESTION Is marriage a failure?

QUEUE The only Mongolian line connecting America and China.

QUORUM A clumsy individual, all Ayes and Noes, who is seldom on hand when needed.

RABBIT A small rodent, very similar to a hare, which feeds on grass and burrows in the earth. WELSH RABBIT More like a string, thrives on cheese and burrows in the stomach.

RACE-TRACK An interesting locality, where pools are bought and sold in books and the heat never interferes with the search for the Pole.

RADIUM A radiant radiator, redolent of ranging radial rays of radio-activity, raised to radical rates and regarded as a ruthless rake-off in the reign of riches within the arrayed radius of a raging, raving and raided race.

RAG-TIME Music pulled into many pieces—the invention of a flannel-mouth to which many have cottoned.

RAPID TRANSIT A municipal myth, circulated for the amusement of the long suffering—and slow moving—public.

REFORM In general, a periodic epidemic, starting with marked heat, followed by a high fever, and accompanied by a flow of ink in the newspapers, a discharge of words from the face and a rush of blood to the polls, leaving the victim a chronic invalid until the next campaign. In New York, reform has been confined to a Low attempt at government.

REFORMER One who, when he smells a rat, is eager to let the cat out of the bag.

REGISTER

The only autograph album which it costs you money to write in.

REGRETS An excuse for non-attendance at a social function. Occasionally, an expression of sorrow; usually, a paean of praise at deliverance from evil.

RELATIONS A tedious pack of people who haven't the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die.

RELIGION A cloak used by some persons in this world who will be warm enough without one in the next.

R.E. MORSE A veteran General who commands the largest army in the world.

REPARTEE The sassy habit of talking back.

REPUTATION A personal possession, frequently not discovered until lost.

RESIDENCE A rural locality inhabited annually—for a few hours—by a rich New Yorker or Bostonian.

RESOLUTION A fragile bit of crockery fashioned on the first day of January and usually broken on the second.

RESORT (SUMMER) A place where the tired grow more tired. From Eng. rest, and Grk. orizo, to limit. A place where rest is limited.

REST A trade in which every hobo holds a Union Card for life.

RESTAURANT An institution for the spread of dyspepsia. From Lat. restauro, to repair, and Grk. anti, against. After patronizing, you're "up against repairs."

RHETORIC Language in a dress suit.

RICE An effective field-piece, used for assaulting Chinamen or the newly-married.

ROQUEFORT A kind of cheese whose odor puts it easily in the first rank.

ROYCROFTER A successful book-maker on the East Aurora turf. From Fr. roi, king, and old Saxon crofter, or grafter. King of Grafters.

RUMOR The long-distance champion of the Human Race—a monster with more tales than an octopus.

RUST Physical dullness.

RUSTIC Mental dullness.

SADDUCEE A person holding skeptical religious views. Hopeless, hence sad you see.

SAILOR A man who makes his living on water but never touches it on shore.

SANDWICH An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat.

SAUSAGE An aftermath of the dog-days.

SCAFFOLD A work of art that rarely fails to get a hanging.

SCARECROW An operator who repeatedly corners corn, without caws.

SCORCHER A chauffeur in an all-fired hurry.

SCULPTOR A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.

SELF-MADE Complimentary term for a respectable crook.

SHAMROCK A three-time loser as a racer at sea, but a four-time winner as an "ad." for tea—and Sir T.

SHEPHERD One who depends on a crook for a living.

SHIRT Every man's bosom friend.

SILVER A metallic form of opium, smoked by Presidential impossibilities.

SINNER A stupid person who gets found out.

SNAP A brisk, energetic quality that enables a man with ginger to take the cake.

SNORE An unfavorable report from headquarters.

SOROSIS A female gas company that lays its pipes on cultivated grounds.

SPAGHETTI A table-dish eaten only by Italians and jugglers. From Lat. spadix, branch, or fork, and gestamen, burden. A burden for the fork.

SPIDER A busy weaver and a good correspondent, who drops a line by every post.

STARS The greatest astronomers known, having studded the heavens for ages.

STAYS A sort of straight-jacket employed in reforming women.

STOCKINGS Woman's only savings for A Rainy Day.

STOCKS An unreliable commodity bought and sold by gamblers. If you win, it's an investment; if you lose, a speculation.

STOVE-PIPE

A movable cylinder used as a receptacle for smoke and profanity.

SPRING Formerly a very delightful season but now obsolete except in poetry and the Old Farmer's Almanac.

SPINSTER An ember from which the sparks have flown.

SUBWAY In Boston, a place where one may enjoy continuous disturbance of the peace, disorderly conduct, assault and battery, riot and rebellion. These events are allowed by law, and the entry-fee is five cents.

SUCCESS A goal usually reached by those who employ their time in cultivating a more definite aim in life rather than in searching for a larger target.

SUMMER An oppressive and expensive season invented by rural cottage and hotel owners, railroad and steamboat companies and the Iceman.

SUN A yellow arrival from Way Down East, who goes west daily, operates a heating and lighting trust, draws water, prints pictures, develops crops, liquidates the ice business and tans skins on the side. Profits by his daily rays and always has a shine.

SYMPATHY

Feeling for others; very noticeable in Blind Man's Buff.

SYNDICATE A conspiracy to extend the modest business established by Captain Kidd.

TAILOR One who takes your measure on first sight, gives you a fit, sews you up and follows suit until paid.

TALK A continuous performance playing daily and nightly engagements, with Woman as the star and Man confined in the Family Circle.

TELEGRAM

A form of correspondence sent by a man in a hurry and carried by a boy in sleep.

TELEPHONE From Eng. tell, to talk, and Grk. phonos, murder. A machine in which talk is murdered.

TENNIS A game in which the participants enjoy a racket on the side and raise the deuce over a net, while the volleys drive them from set to set and love scores as often as it's mentioned.

TEMPER A quality, the loss of which is likely to make a knife blade dull and a woman's tongue sharp.

THERMOMETER

A short, glass tube that regulates the weather—and usually does a poor job.

THIRST A sensation immediately following a short session at the free lunch stand.

TIDE An old friend who comes and goes daily but is all in whenever he gets over the bay.

TITIAN The color a poor red-headed girl's hair becomes as soon as her father strikes oil.

TIPS Wages we pay other people's hired help.

TOBACCO A nauseating plant that is consumed by but two creatures; a large, green worm and—man. The worm doesn't know any better.

TONGUE An unruly member that is frequently put out, yet an artist who's a hard worker at the palate and a great wag among women.

TOUCH A habit common to the impecunious, causing in its victim a feeling of faintness, followed by a chill or a sense of loss.

TRANSFER A small bit of paper of remarkable strength, being able to carry a heavy man several miles.

TROLLEY-CAR A conveyance filled with advertisements, and occasionally passengers, and operated by Poles.

TROUBLE Something that many are looking for but no one wants.

TRUST A small body of capital entirely surrounded by water.

TWINS Insult added to Injury.

TWISTERS

An undesirable thing to have on hand.

UMBRELLA A good thing to put up in a shower—or pawn-shop; but, like skating, never seen after Lent.

UNBOSOMED

A shirt just returned from a steam laundry.

UNION An ailing individual frequently troubled by scabs and liable to strike without warning.

UMPIRE No jeweler, but a high authority on diamonds.

USHER One who takes a leading part in a theatre.

VACCINATION Where "jabbing the needle" is never a vice.

VAUDEVILLE From Lat. vaut, good for, and villageois, countryman. Good for countrymen.

VERANDA

An open-air enclosure often used as a spoon-holder.

VEST A waistcoat sold at halfprice.

VIRTUE A quality oftentimes associated with intelligence, but rarely with beauty.

VULGARITY The conduct of others.

WAITER An Inn-experienced servant.

WAR A wholesale means of making heroes which, if planned in a small way, would produce only murderers.

WATER A thin substance applied to stocks with which to soak buyers.

WEDDING A trade in which the bride is generally given away, and the groom is often sold.

WEEDS Found in gardens and widows. For removing easily, marry the widow.

WICKEDNESS A myth invented by good people to account for the singular attractiveness of others.

WIDOW The wife of a golfer during the open season, unless she golfs, too. In that event the children are golf orphans.

WHISKY Trouble put up in liquid form.

WIND An aerial phenomenon, superinduced by an ephemeral agitation of the nebular strata, whereby air, (hot or cold), impelled into transitory activity, generates a prolonged passage through space, owing to certain occult ethereal stimuli, and results in zephyrs, breezes, blows, blow-outs, blizzards, gales, simoons, hurricanes, tornadoes or typhoons. Barred from Kansas Cyclone-cellars but frequently blended with Chicago tongue—canned or conversational.

WOMAN An aspiring creature whose political sphere is still slightly flattened at the polls.

WORD Something you must keep after giving it to another.

WORRY A state of mind that leads some persons to fear, every time the tide goes out, that it won't come in again.

WRINKLES A merchant's trade-marks.

X RAYS

Ten dollars from a friend.

YARN An essential in fabrication—either woven or narrated. Mill yarns are highly colored; those spun at sea much more so.

YAWL Either the shape of a boat or the sound of a cat, but never a cat-boat.

YAWNS The air-breaks on a sleeper.

YEAR A period originally including 365 days, now 325, since the other 40 are Lent.

YELLOW FEVER A passion for reading the Hearst newspapers.

YOLK The legacy of the hen and the burden of its lay.

YOKE The inheritance of the hen-pecked and the burden of the married.

YULE-LOG A Christmas protege of the grate, too young to smoke, too tough to burn and too green to warm up to anybody.

YOUTH The dynamo that makes the world go round; a product of its own generation, with its wires carrying Power into the high places of Earth and with its currents of Thought short-circuited only by bigoted Old Age.

ZEALOT One who loves morality so well he will commit crime to maintain it.

ZEBRA The crook among horses, condemned to wear stripes for life.

ZERO Originally, nothing; but now meaning a good deal on a thermometer or bank-draft, and comprising two-thirds of the 400.

ZIGZAG The popular route after a heavy dinner. Old adage, "The longest way round is the drunkard's way home!"

ZOUAVE

The original Mrs. Bloomer.