Popham.
[To Lugg.] If you please, cook presents her compliments, and she would be glad of the pleasure of your company downstairs, before leavin’.
[They go out.
Mr. Posket.
Agatha and Lukyn! Agatha and Lukyn supping together at the Hotel des Princes, while I was at home and asleep—while I ought to have been at home and asleep! It’s awful!
Cis.
[Looking in at the door and entering.] Hallo, Guv!
Mr. Posket.
[Starting up.] Cis!
Cis.
Where did you fetch, Guv?
Mr. Posket.
Where did I fetch! You wretched boy! I fetched Kilburn, and I’ll fetch you a sound whipping when I recover my composure.
Cis.
What for?
Mr. Posket.
For leading me astray, sir. Yours is the first bad companionship I have ever formed! Evil communication with you, sir, has corrupted me! [Taking Cis by the collar and shaking him.] Why did you abandon me at Kilburn?
Cis.
Because you were quite done, and I branched off to draw the crowd away from you after me.
Mr. Posket.
Did you, Cis, did you? [Putting his hand on Cis’s shoulder.] My boy—my boy! Oh, Cis, we’re in such trouble!
Cis.
You weren’t caught, Guv?
Mr. Posket.
No—but do you know who the ladies are who were supping at the Hotel des Princes?
Cis.
No—do you?
Mr. Posket.
Do I? They were your mother and Aunt Charlotte.
Cis.
The mater and Aunt Charlotte! Ha, ha, ha! [Laughing and dancing with delight.] Ha! ha! Oh, I say, Guv, what a lark!
Mr. Posket.
A lark! They were taken to the police station!
Cis.
[Changing his tone.] My mother?
Mr. Posket.
They were brought before the magistrate and sentenced.
Cis.
Sentenced?
Mr. Posket.
To seven days’ imprisonment.
Cis.
Oh!
[He puts his hat on fiercely.
Mr. Posket.
What are you going to do?
Cis.
Get my mother out first, and then break every bone in that magistrate’s body.
Mr. Posket.
Cis! Cis! he’s an unhappy wretch and he did his duty.
Cis.
His duty! To send another magistrate’s wife to prison! Guv, I’m only a boy, but I know what professional etiquette is! Come along! Which is the police station?
Mr. Posket.
Mulberry Street.
Cis.
Who’s the magistrate?
Mr. Posket.
I am!
Cis.
You! [Seizing Mr. Posket by the collar and shaking him.] You dare to lock up my mother! Come with me and get her out!
[He is dragging Mr. Posket towards the door, when Mr. Bullamy enters breathlessly.
Mr. Bullamy.
My dear Posket!
Cis.
[Seizing Mr. Bullamy and dragging him with Mr. Posket to the door.] Come with me and get my mother out.
Mr. Bullamy.
Leave me alone, sir! She is out! I managed it.
Mr. Posket and Cis.
[Together.] How?
Mr. Bullamy.
Wormington sent to me when you were taken ill. When I arrived at the Court, he had discovered, from your man-servant, Mrs. Posket’s awful position.
Cis.
You leave my mother alone! Go on!
Mr. Bullamy.
Said I to myself, “This won’t do, I must extricate these people somehow!” [To Mr. Posket.] I’m not so damned conscientious as you are, Posket.
Cis.
Bravo! Go on!
Mr. Bullamy.
[Producing his jujube box.] The first thing I did was to take a jujube.
Cis.
[Snatching the jujube box from him.] Will you make haste?
Mr. Bullamy.
Then said I to Wormington, “Posket was non compos mentis when he heard this case—I’m going to re-open the matter!”
Cis.
Hurrah!
Mr. Bullamy.
And I did! And what do you think I found out from the proprietor of the hotel!
Mr. Posket and Cis.
What?
Mr. Bullamy.
That this young scamp, Mr. Cecil Farringdon, hires a room at the “Hotel des Princes.”
Cis.
I know that.
Mr. Bullamy.
And that Mr. Farringdon was there last night with some low stockbroker of the name of Skinner.
Cis.
Go on—go on! [Offering him the jujube box.] Take a jujube!
Mr. Bullamy.
[Taking a jujube.] Now the law, which seems to me quite perfect, allows a man who rents a little apartment at an inn to eat and drink with his friends all night long.
Cis.
Well?
Mr. Bullamy.
So said I from the bench, “These ladies and gentlemen appear to be friends or relatives of a certain lodger in the ‘Hotel des Princes.’ ”
Cis.
So they are!
Mr. Bullamy.
“They were all discovered in one room.”
Mr. Posket.
So we were—I mean, so they were!
Mr. Bullamy.
“And I shall adjourn the case for a week to give Mr. Farringdon an opportunity of claiming these people as his guests.”
Cis.
Three cheers for Bullamy.
Mr. Bullamy.
So I censured the police for their interference and released the ladies on their own recognisances.
Mr. Posket.
[Taking Mr. Bullamy’s hand.] And the men?
Mr. Bullamy.
Well, unfortunately, Wormington took upon himself to despatch the men to the House of Correction before I arrived.
Mr. Posket.
I’m glad of it! They are dissolute villains! I’m glad of it.
Popham enters.
Popham.
Oh, sir! Here’s the missis and Miss Verrinder! In such a plight!
Cis.
The mater! Guv, you explain!
[He hurries out. Mr. Posket rapidly retires into the window recess. Agatha Posket and Charlotte enter, pale, red-eyed, and agitated. Popham goes out.
Agatha Posket and Charlotte.
[Falling on to Mr. Bullamy’s shoulders.] O—o—h—h!
Mr. Bullamy.
My dear ladies!
Agatha Posket.
Preserver!
Charlotte.
Friend!
Agatha Posket.
How is my boy?
Mr. Bullamy.
Never better.
Agatha Posket.
And the man who condemned his wife and sister-in-law to the miseries of a jail!
Mr. Bullamy.
Ahem! Posket—oh—he——
Agatha Posket.
Is he well enough to be told what that wife thinks of him?
Mr. Bullamy.
It might cause a relapse!
Agatha Posket.
It is my duty to risk that.
Charlotte.
[Raising the covers of the dishes on the table.] Food!
Agatha Posket.
Ah!
[Agatha Posket and Charlotte begin to devour a teacake voraciously.
Mr. Posket.
[Advancing with an attempt at dignity.] Agatha Posket.
Agatha Posket.
[Rising, with her mouth full, and a piece of teacake in her hand.] Sir!
[Charlotte takes the tray and everything on it from the table and goes towards the door.
Mr. Bullamy.
[Going to the door.] There’s going to be an explanation.
Charlotte.
[At the door.] There’s going to be an explanation.
[Charlotte and Mr. Bullamy go out quietly.
Mr. Posket.
How dare you look me in the face, madam?
Agatha Posket.
How dare you look at anybody in any position, sir? You send your wife to prison for pushing a mere policeman.
Mr. Posket.
I didn’t know what I was doing.
Agatha Posket.
Not when you requested two ladies to raise their veils and show their faces in the dock? We shouldn’t have been discovered but for that.
Mr. Posket.
It was my duty.
Agatha Posket.
Duty! You don’t go to the police court again alone! I guess now, Æneas Posket, why you clung to a single life so long. You liked it!
Mr. Posket.
I wish I had.
Agatha Posket.
Why didn’t you marry till you were fifty?
Mr. Posket.
Perhaps I hadn’t met a widow, madam.
Agatha Posket.
Paltry excuse. You revelled in a dissolute bachelorhood!
Mr. Posket.
Hah! Whist every evening!
Agatha Posket.
You can’t play whist alone. You’re an expert at hiding too!
Mr. Posket.
If I were I should thrash your boy!
Agatha Posket.
When you wished to conceal yourself last night, you selected a table with a lady under it.
Mr. Posket.
Ah, did you pinch me, or did Charlotte?
Agatha Posket.
I did—Charlotte’s a single girl.
Mr. Posket.
I fancy, madam, you found my conduct under that table perfectly respectful?
Agatha Posket.
I don’t know—I was too agitated to notice.
Mr. Posket.
Evasion—you’re like all the women.
Agatha Posket.
Profligate! You oughtn’t to know that!
Mr. Posket.
No wife of mine sups, unknown to me, with dissolute military men; we will have a judicial separation, Mrs. Posket.
Agatha Posket.
Certainly—I suppose you’ll manage that at your police court, too?
Mr. Posket.
I shall send for my solicitor at once.
Agatha Posket.
Æneas! Mr. Posket! Whatever happens, you shall not have the custody of my boy.
Mr. Posket.
Your boy! I take charge of him? Agatha Posket, he has been my evil genius! He has made me a gambler at an atrocious game, called “Fireworks”—he has tortured my mind with abstruse speculations concerning “Sillikin” and “Butterscotch” for the St. Leger—he has caused me to cower before servants, and to fly before the police.
Agatha Posket.
He! My Cis?
Cis enters having changed his clothes.
Cis.
[Breezily.] Hallo, mater—got back?
Agatha Posket.
You wicked boy! You dare to have apartments at the “Hotel des Princes!”
Mr. Posket.
Yes—and it was to put a stop to that which induced me to go to Meek Street last night.
Cis.
Don’t be angry, mater! I’ve got you out of your difficulties.
Mr. Posket.
But you got me into mine!
Cis.
Well, I know I did—one can’t be always doing the right thing! It isn’t Guv’s fault—there!
Mr. Posket.
Swear it!
Agatha Posket.
No, he doesn’t know the nature of an oath! I believe him! Æneas, I see now, this is all the result of a lack of candour on my part. Tell me, have you ever particularly observed this child?
Mr. Posket.
Oh!
Agatha Posket.
Has it ever struck you he is a little forward?
Mr. Posket.
Sometimes.
Agatha Posket.
You are wrong; he is awfully backward. [Taking Mr. Posket’s hand.] Æneas; men always think they are marrying angels, and women would be angels if they never had to grow old. That warps their dispositions. I have deceived you, Æneas.
Mr. Posket.
Ah! Lukyn!
Agatha Posket.
No—no—you don’t understand! Lukyn was my boy’s godfather in eighteen sixty-six.
Mr. Posket.
1866?
Cis.
1886?
Cis and Mr. Posket.
[Together, reckoning rapidly upon their fingers.] 1886.
Agatha Posket.
S-s-s-h! Don’t count! Cis, go away! [To Mr. Posket.] When you proposed to me in the “Pantheon” at Spa, you particularly remarked, “Mrs. Farringdon, I love you for yourself alone.”
Mr. Posket.
I know I did.
Agatha Posket.
Those were terrible words to address to a widow with a son of nineteen. [Cis and Mr. Posket again reckon rapidly upon their fingers.] Don’t count, Æneas, don’t count! Those words tempted me. I glanced at my face in a neighbouring mirror, and I said “Æneas is fifty—why should I—a mere woman, compete with him on the question of age? He has already the advantage—I will be generous—I will add to it!” I led you to believe I had been married only fifteen years ago, I deceived you and my boy as to his real age, and I told you I was but one-and-thirty.
Mr. Posket.
It wasn’t the truth?
Agatha Posket.
Ah! I merely lacked woman’s commonest fault, exaggeration.
Mr. Posket.
But—Lukyn?
Agatha Posket.
Knows the real facts. I went to him last night to beg him not to disturb an arrangement which had brought happiness to all parties. Look. In place of a wayward, troublesome child, I now present you with a youth old enough to be a joy, comfort, and support!
Cis.
Oh, I say, mater, this is a frightful sell for a fellow.
Agatha Posket.
Go to your room, sir.
Cis.
I always thought there was something wrong with me. Blessed if I’m not behind the age!
[Cis goes out.
Agatha Posket.
Forgive me, Æneas. Look at my bonnet! A night in Mulberry Street, without even a powder-puff, is an awful expiation.
Mr. Posket.
Agatha! How do I know Cis won’t be five-and twenty to-morrow?
Agatha Posket.
No—no—you know the worst, and as long as I live, I’ll never deceive you again—except in little things.
Lukyn and Vale enter.
Lukyn.
[Boiling with rage.] By George, Posket!
Mr. Posket.
My dear Lukyn!
Lukyn.
Do you know I am a confounded jail-bird, sir?
Mr. Posket.
An accident!
Lukyn.
And do you know what has happened to me in jail—a soldier, sir—an officer?
Mr. Posket.
No!
Lukyn.
I have been washed by the authorities.
Mr. Posket.
Lukyn, no!
Charlotte has entered, and she rushes across to Vale.
Charlotte.
Horace! Horace! Not you, too?
Vale.
By Jove, Charlotte, I would have died first.
Mr. Bullamy enters quickly.
Mr. Bullamy.
Mr. Posket, I shall choke, sir! Inspector Messiter is downstairs and says that Isidore, the waiter, swears that you are the man who escaped from Meek Street last night.
Lukyn.
What?
Mr. Bullamy.
This is a public scandal, sir!
Lukyn.
Your game is up, sir!
Mr. Bullamy.
You have brought a stain upon a spotless police court!
Lukyn.
And lectured me upon propriety and decorum.
Mr. Posket.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, when you have heard my story you will pity me.
Lukyn and Mr. Bullamy.
[Laughing ironically.] Ha! ha!
Mr. Posket.
You will find your old friend a Man, a Martyr, and a Magistrate!
Cis enters, pulling Beatie after him.
Cis.
Come on, Beatie! Guv—mater! here’s news! Beatie and I have made up our minds to be married.
Agatha Posket.
Oh!
Popham enters with champagne and glasses.
Mr. Posket.
What’s this?
Cis.
Bellinger—’74—extra dry—to drink our health and happiness.
Charlotte.
Champagne! It may save my life!
Agatha Posket.
Miss Tomlinson, go home!
Mr. Posket.
Stop! Cis Farringdon, my dear boy, you are but nineteen at present, but you were only fourteen yesterday, so you are a growing lad; on the day you marry and start for Canada, I will give you a thousand pounds!
Popham.
[Putting her apron to her eyes.] Oh!
Cis.
[Embracing Beatie.] Hurrah! We’ll be married directly.
Agatha Posket.
He’s an infant! I forbid it!
Mr. Posket.
I am his legal guardian. Gentlemen, bear witness! I solemnly consent to that little wretch’s marriage!
[Agatha Posket sinks into a chair.
THE END.
Printed by Ballantyne & Company Ltd
Tavistock Street Covent Garden London
Transcriber’s Note
This transcription is based on scanned images of two different copies posted by the Internet Archive. The primary source is posted at:
archive.org/details/magistratefarcei00pinerich
These images, scanned from a copy in the University of California, Berkeley Library, are of an edition printed in London by William Heinemann in 1914. Note that the Internet Archive identifier-access page for this copy incorrectly lists the publisher as W. H. Baker. The secondary source is posted at:
archive.org/details/cu31924013536556
These images, scanned from a copy in the Cornell University Library, are of an edition printed in New York by the United States Book Company.
The Heinemann (H) edition served as the copy-text for this transcription. The United States Book Company (US) edition changed spelling to American standards. For example, “colour” became “color”, “recognise” became “recognize”, “some one” became “someone”, and “lor’ ” became “Lor’ ”. The US edition also has minor deviations from playscript formatting conventions fairly standard at the time. While the H edition used the standard convention of printing entrances as centered and italicized without brackets, the US edition printed them with brackets. In addition, while the H edition generally did not close the brackets on stage directions right after a line of dialogue, the US edition did. Unfortunately, the H edition suffers from some minor editorial problems and printing errors such as missing punctuation marks, particularly next to margins and at the bottom of a page. In contrast, the US edition has few editorial or printing problems. When there was a question about the text in the H edition, the US text was consulted. In general, where context made a reading obvious, the obvious reading was given the benefit of the doubt without comment.
The following changes were noted:
- p. v: …“The Schoolmistress,” ‘Dandy Dick,” and “The Cabinet Minister.”—Changed the single quotation mark before “Dandy” to a double quotation mark.
- p. vii: Added periods after “Mrs. John Wood” and “Miss Marion Terry” for consistency.
- p. 8: …but I feel like a grown up man!—Inserted hyphen between “grown” and “up”. (US)
- p. 14: May I promise that, m’am?—Changed “m’am” to “ma’am” to be consistent with elsewhere in H and also US ed.
- p. 15: Mr. Bullamy—Added a period to end of character title.
- p. 26: He’s a great favourite with all our friends—women friends especially—Added period to end of sentence.
- p. 37: Mr. Posket—Added a period to end of character title.
- p. 37: [Gives Mr. Posket the letter.]—Moved to next line (US) and deleted closing bracket to be consistent with other stage directions in H.
- p. 59: [Produces a folded silk handerchief…—Changed “handerchief” to “handkerchief”.
- p. 63: There’s a little balcony to that window, step out…—Changed comma to a semicolon. (US)
- p. 88: A few hours ago it was—“By Jove, all is over.’—Changed closing single quotation mark to closing double quotation mark.
- p. 90: I know—I know. I’m going directly I can get the boy away—Added period to end of sentence.
- p. 93: [To Vale] Horace, can’t you speak?—Added period after “Vale” for consistency.
- p. 98: To be ready for the morning—Added period to end of sentence.
- p. 99: What is underneath that window, Mr. Blond—Added question mark to end of sentence.
- p. 100: You’re breathing—Added period to end of sentence.
- p. 103: Very nice part, Colonel. Thank you—Added a period after “Thank you”.
- p. 103: Horace Edmund Cholmeley Clive Napier Vale Captain—Shropshire Fusiliers—Stark’s Hotel, Conduit Street.—Added a period after “Vale”. (US)
- p. 110: …a method of delivering evidence articulately—Added a period to end of sentence.
- p. 113: “Cos I’m agoin’ to join in the chase after you.”—Inserted an apostrophe before “Cos”. (US)
- p. 114: Bring him in. [Lugg goes out. Wyke! From Agatha!—Added a closing bracket after “out.”
- p. 115: Tell Mrs. Posket I will come on the moment the Court rises—Added a period to end of sentence.
- p. 119: Two contrived to escape—Added a period to end of sentence.
- p. 125: I regret to see you in this terrible position, Colonel Lukyn—Added a period to end of sentence.
- P. 126: He’s in it sir.—Added a comma after “it”. (US and consistent elsewhere in H)
- p. 126: [Lukyn sits again.] [Posket takes up the charge sheet.]—Deleted closing and opening brackets after “again.” (US)
- p. 134: They turn their collars down, Mr. Posket takes Mr. Wormington’s arm.—Changed comma to a semicolon. (US)
- p. 136: I haven t found ’em.—Added an apostrophe between “haven” and “t”.
- p. 137: It’s my opinion he’s got a softening of the brain—Added period to end of sentence.
- p. 137: [He goes through the curtains.]—Moved to next line (US) and deleted closing bracket to be consistent with other stage directions in H.
- p. 144: [Following him with the paper and inkstand]—Added period after inkstand for consistency. (US)
- p. 150: I’m going to re-open the matter!—Added closing double quotation mark at end of sentence. (US)
- p. 153: …who condemned his wife and sister in-law to the miseries of a jail!—Inserted a hyphen between “sister” and “in-law”.
- p. 159: S-s-s h! Don’t count!—Added hyphen between “S-s-s” and “h!” (US)
- p. 161: Charlotte has entered, and she rushes across to Vale—Added a period to the end of the sentence.
Some inconsistences that existed in both H and US were allowed to stand. For example, characters are occasionally referred to slightly differently in the stage directions, e.g., “Posket” vs. “Mr. Posket”. The name of the hotel in Act Two is spelled with an “ô” in the cast and scene lists at the beginning of the play but is spelled with an “o” elsewhere in the text. Lugg's rank is spelled "Serjeant" in the cast list and "Sergeant" elsewhere. Both “missis” and “missus” are used. The number for Lukyn’s address is both “19a” and “19A”. Variant spellings in H such as “neckkerchief” and “table-cloth” were not changed.
The html version of this etext attempts to reproduce the layout of the printed text. However, some concessions have been made, partly to simplify coding and partly to facilitate the generation of files from the html file. For example, stage directions at the end of a line of dialogue were placed on the next line, indented the same amount from the left margin, and coded as hanging paragraphs. The layout of the title page was simplified. The simultaneous speech on page 81 was coded so as to avoid the use of an html table. The footnote on p. 110 was enclosed in a border.