The McNaughtens

Produced by Dagny and Frank J. Morlock

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THE MCNAUGHTENS

A play based on the Menechemes of Regnard

              Translated and adapted by F. J. Morlock
                       C 1986 by F. J. Morlock

CHARACTERS

McNaughten
Captain McNaughten
Mr. Hastings, Flavella's father
Flavella, his daughter
Urania, Hastings' older sister
Jenny, Urania's maid
Spruce, the Captain's valet
Mr. Torrington, a solicitor
Squire
Mr. Bronlow, a merchant

ACT I.

Scene I. A street in London. Captain McNaughten comes in, looking for his valet.

Captain I am quite beside myself. A curse on Spruce! I think he was born for the sole purpose of enraging me. I am not going to put up with him any longer. The scoundrel always tries my patience to the limits. He knows very well that I am waiting for him on tenterhooks— But now I see him coming. Where have you been, rogue? Tell me.

(Spruce enters, carrying a heavy trunk which he first puts down and then sits on, without responding to the Captain.)

Captain
Speak, reply!

Spruce For the moment, sir, I have nothing to say. Let me get my breath a moment, please—I'm totally winded.

Captain Do you always intend to put me in a fury and then play with me? I don't know what prevents me from giving you a beating. What, you rogue, just to go off to the custom house to get my trunk, takes you all day?

Spruce Oh, sir, customs inspectors are terrible men. All the savages in the world are less barbarous. They can only talk in monosyllables. "yes, no, what, sir? I have no time. But, sir— Would you kindly open up—" They need maybe a hundred words in their vocabulary. They give me a headache. Finally, when you need them for something, they're more proud and stuck up than an archbishop.

Captain What! Do you mean to pretend you stayed at the customs house until just now?

Spruce Oh, no. Seeing the customs inspector was about to take more than an hour—besides, he had a disagreeable phiz—I preferred to wait at a tavern.

Captain Your yen for brew always gets the best of you. Does wine command you always?

Spruce Everyone has his weakness, sir.— As you are well aware. It's the bad example more than the brew that puts me down the wrong road. I'd really like to live a clean life—

Captain
Why do you always keep bad company, then?

Spruce I've made several efforts to avoid it—all in vain. I like you a lot and I don't want to leave you.

Captain
What's that, scoundrel?

Spruce Sir, an ancient custom of speaking my mind gives me the right. My case is like your own. I've seen you drunk more than once in a tavern, and many's the time I had to help you home to bed. I've never scolded you much about these little escapades—we ought not to mention other people's infirmities— Forget them, since they forget ours.

Captain I'll forgive you for liking your bottle—if I thought that was your only vice—but your penchant for one sin carries you on to a thousand others. You have a strange passion for gambling.

Spruce Oh, if I gamble a little it's only to spend the time while you are spending the night in certain black gambling dens. I hear you swearing right up to the door. I swear, too, when luck is against me. And who can tell us apart? You swear in your room, and I swear on the stairs. I imitate you in every respect. You drink, gamble, and love with extreme passion, and I drink, gamble—and love a little, too. And if I am a flirt, it's because you are one, too. Consummate in the art, I might add. You go every day with a vagabond ardor, raffling off all the ladies—from blond to brunette. Today, Flavella dominates you—you say you love her—but I don't know why.

Captain You don't know why! Is it possible you refuse to render homage to her charms, to her divine eyes? I saw her at her aunt's, where I was quite enchanted. She wounded me to the heart.

Spruce Yet you have an attentive soul for her crazy Aunt—Urania. Now I approve of Urania. Perfect choice. Without her money we'd be in an awful fix. Meanwhile, I profit, too. You cajole the Aunt, and I corrupt Jenny, her maid— Thus, you see—

Captain Yes, I see—in a word you think you know everything. You are nothing but a near sighted fool! To prevent yourself from uttering some new stupidity, shut up, and take my trunk to the hotel.

Spruce (picking up the trunk) I obey. But if I should want to speak on this vain subject again, believe me, I can hold forth at some length.

Captain
Oh, be quiet!

Spruce
When I have a mind to, I can speak better than anybody—

Captain
Wait! Whose trunk is this?

Spruce
Huh! By George, it's yours.

Captain
It doesn't in the least look like mine.

Spruce For a while, I had the same suspicion as you. But it's got your name and address on it—and that relieved my mind of any doubt. (puts the trunk down) Here, read the words very plainly written. To McNaughten, London.

Captain True, but wait a bit,—what do you say to this? It's not my handwriting. Therefore, it is not my trunk.

Spruce
You're right. But it resembles your handwriting a great deal.

Captain
You acted impulsively in taking this trunk.

Spruce But, sir, do you take me for a fool? In returning from Flanders, where you had an abrupt discharge from your regiment, did I not put the trunk, at your instruction, on a stage coach bound for London, so that we might travel more quickly. And didn't I obey you? I've done everything right in this whole business. No reproaches, please.

Captain We'll soon see whether this was your fault or not. Open it up and let's try to get to the bottom of this mystery.

Spruce (taking out a ring of keys) Sir, in a second, I am going to satisfy you. (trying a key) My goodness! The key doesn't fit.

Captain
Break it open.

Spruce If you want me to, I won't object. Let's begin proceedings. (after some efforts, Spruce manages to open the trunk) (Spruce looks in and stares)

Captain
What's wrong with you? Look at me.

Spruce (bewildered)
I don't see any of your clothes in here!

Captain
What the—wretch?

Spruce Sir, there's no need to be testy. The swap we've made may be better for us. I don't believe you had clothes like these in your trunk. (displaying some expensive clothing)

Captain And my letters, scoundrel, my letters from Flavella? The letters in which she expressed her love for me? Who will give them back to me— tell me!

Spruce (removing a packet of letters from the trunk)
Wait—perhaps you will find consolation in these.

Captain Do you know that jokesters and comedians usually waste their time with me?

(The Captain reads the letters while Spruce inventories the clothes.)

Spruce My intent was not to put you in a temper—but without losing time we must make our inventory. This costume for chicanery surely belonged to some Scotsman, and this is an Irish peasant. (displaying clothes) Now, this one is rather modish—usable for a hunt, I think.

Captain
Oh, Heavens!

Spruce (startled by the Captain's outburst)
Where will all this thing end?

Captain
This adventure isn't easily believed.

Spruce
Sir, what's wrong with you—are you getting dizzy?

Captain
It's a miracle. You won't believe it when I tell you.

Spruce
Sir, I will, I promise you—if you don't lie.

Captain As you know, I was born a McNaughten, near Edinburgh. I am of a blood which ceded valor to no one. You know that having lost father, mother, and relatives, and penniless, I was left to spend my days in the highlands. To escape, I joined the army when I was only fifteen. Only I had a brother, who lived with me in the home of my uncle—a rich old miser who wouldn't give me a penny. So I ran away, and they haven't heard of me for many years. And I've heard from many sources that both my brother and my uncle thought me dead.

Spruce I know all that. And I know your mother died in giving birth to you and that same brother. You and your brother are as indistinguishable as two glasses of milk. In short, you are twins. So what?

Captain We look so much alike that the finest painters would be easily deceived. Even our own father considered putting a sign on us to tell us apart.

Spruce I've heard the story of your life several times. What has that story got to do with our present troubles?

Captain
You will be astonished. This trunk belongs to my brother!

Spruce
How about that?

Captain
And I learn from this letter that our uncle is dead—

Spruce
Amazing—

Captain —and has left all his money to this twin of mine.

Spruce
That is surprising news—no doubt about it. What good does that do?

Captain
Listen attentively. This is worth a good deal of reflection.

Spruce
I'm listening.

Captain (reading the letter) "I await you, sir, to pay you the sixty thousand pounds which your uncle has left you by his will, and to marry you to Miss Flavella Hastings, of whom I have spoken to you several times in my letters. The lady likes you very much, and her father is very determined on this marriage. Don't waste time in getting to London. Your very humble servant, Charles Torrington."

Spruce
Now, I begin to see—

Captain Torrington is the name of the honest solicitor who worked for my father. The date, the envelope, and the name, all confirm my conclusion. My brother is coming to London in response to this letter, and, just like me, put his trunk on the coach. And, of course, the name and address caused your error. I conclude, therefor, not very cleverly, that my brother is, perhaps, already in London.

Spruce That's probably right. I am stupefied by the surprising effects of chance. Necessity caused me to make a mistake, and our fortune will spring from my stupidity. In a single day, we find a decrepit old uncle buried—who leaves behind him a fortune, which in life, he prevented you from attaining. We also find a brother who will receive the fortune, and relieve you of your lady love. Coincidences like these are capable of overwhelming the cleverest person!

Captain We've got to put our heads together about this. I have a good feeling about it.

Spruce
We could really use that sixty thousand pounds.

Captain
To have them, we will have to use all our skill. They belong to me as
much as to my brother. We must prevent my brother from meeting old
Torrington. Go—run—find out—don't lose a minute.

Spruce You know my zeal and eagerness. If he's in London, I have faithful friends who will know of it in less than an hour.

Captain I am going to Urania. Unfortunately, she knows I am back. I must still pretend to burn with love for her. She has no idea I'm aflame for Flavella. You know what Urania is like—the old girl loves to break men's hearts. The airs that old woman puts on are really insufferable. In fact, she's crazy and loves to be flattered.

Spruce
You're just the man for that, if I may say so, sir.

Captain What a ray of hope breaks through for my love. While I'm still uncertain what to do about my brother, I'd best manage her. Go back to the customs house, to the stage coach.

Spruce
If I'm not mistaken, here comes Urania and Jenny now.

Captain
Go, quickly, where I send you.

(Exit Spruce)

(Enter Urania and Jenny, her maid)

Urania What a joy. We will see Captain McNaughten again today. I cannot stay put. Such excitement—agitates me. How do you think I look, Jenny?

Jenny
Charming. Your beauty surprises, ravishes, carries one away, enchants
—. It seems Cupid himself has adjusted your face today.

Urania This girl always has the best taste. (seeing the Captain) Ah, sir, you here! What a lucky chance—this is better than I had hoped for—what hurries your return? What god brings you back to me?

Captain
Cupid.

Urania
Cupid? The poor child!

Captain Your loveable presence now fully compensates me for the pain of your prior absence. You, who without art, without aid, appear younger every day.

Urania Foh! Banterer! Love sometimes recalls a person who is absent to mind. Your charming portrait which, which makes all my happiness, consoled me a little during your frightful absence. Did mine have the same effect on you?

Captain Your face preoccupied me like a ghost, and followed me everywhere. Night could not hide you from my eyes. And even this night, I recall my dream. In my first sleep, I dreamt I was in a garden at sunrise. There, Aurora shone with her rosy fingers. There on the border of a superb canal, where a hundred frothy waves fell in cascades—seemingly pushed by water nymphs. There, I tell you—reposing on a bed of roses—

Urania (agitated)
What did you see?

Captain I saw you, on a chair, floating over the waves. You resembled Venus. A hundred Cupids pushed a shell, the winds jested about you—

Jenny Oh, Heaven. What a lovely dream. (aside) He does this better than I do.

Urania
Finish, finish, I beg you.

Captain
My soul was seized by astonishment.

Jenny (low)
That's not surprising.

Urania (dreamily)
And I was Venus, floating on this canal?

Captain Yes, Madame, your very self. My mind was taken with the noble spectacle. I went right up to you with no opposition—

Urania
Did I have a noble air, a divine bearing? Speak sincerely.

Captain
The most noble in the world. You seemed a goddess in the flesh.

Urania
And what was I wearing? The goddess clothes?

Captain
Madame, the goddess does not—

Urania
Ah, ah—

Captain
Unluckily, the goddess suddenly vanished from my sight.

Urania
And were we separated?

Captain Then, I found myself in a grotto—which art had embellished more than nature. There, in full repose, crowned by flowers, I perceived you reclining on a couch of flowers. I persuaded you of my ardent feelings.

Urania
And—

Captain
You were touched—

Urania
Ah, I was touched—

Captain By a new goddess. And taking from Venus her natural softness, languorously, you—

Urania
What did I do?

Captain I don't know. By an unspeakable misfortune, my valet woke me up. (aside) Whew! I couldn't go any further.

Jenny (aside)
I should take lessons from him, decidedly.

Urania I am in despair because of this. Servants are always about when we don't want them. Horrid valet.

Captain Actually, Spruce comes in handy sometimes. But my dream was incomplete. How I wanted to finish it.

Urania Oh, and I want to finish it, too. To satisfy YOU, so that YOUR happiness will not be a chimera, to quench YOUR flames—after our marriage, of course. But I'm afraid that in the times in which we live, there's a distaste for marriage. Among the men, I mean. But possession alone takes the salt and taste from love.

Captain Ah, Madame, my love for you is so extreme, I am sure it must last until death. And if, by a misfortune which I cannot prevent, your death should— Ah, great gods, what a frightful despair I would be in. The very thought of it possesses my soul with remorse.

Urania Let's put that lugubrious idea far away from us. To better celebrate the pleasures of our reunion, I want to dine with you tonight. This morning, I invited a friend—you'll enjoy good company.

Captain Madame, this honor is very advantageous to me. A small business matter tears me away at present, but I will soon return. I'll hurry.

Urania
Go, my darling. I will await you with impatience.

Captain (bowing, kissing her hand)
Here—in a moment I will return.

(Exit the Captain)

Urania
The love he has for me is not to be imagined.

Jenny (archly)
No, m'am.

Urania
In revenge, I will love him like crazy. How do you like him?

Jenny He's good looking. His valet, Spruce, isn't bad to look at, either. We are a little bit in love—but, who's coming— It's Mr. Hastings.

(Enter Hastings)

Hastings
Hello, sis.

Urania
Good day, brother, dear.

Hastings This is lucky, I was going to your house to speak to you on some business.

Urania
This place is as good as any. You won't annoy me.

Hastings
I want to marry Flavella off.

Urania That's not a bad idea. Your daughter is getting big, you know. People ask me how I can have such a grown up niece.

Hastings And our solicitor, Mr. Torrington, whose zeal for our family, you know, has found a good match for her. A young man endowed with wit and character—who possesses more than sixty thousand pounds which he has just inherited from an uncle. Torrington is the trustee of the estate, and has written me that the young heir will arrive today.

Urania
I am truly easy. I think it's a fine idea.

Hastings This marriage would be a great advantage for our family. So, seeing that you are no longer interested in remarrying, I thought we might endow Flavella with your estate—reserving a life estate for you until your death.

Urania
Until my death! Truly, brother, this project is very appealing to me!
I will do no such thing. My death, indeed!

Hastings
But I already sort of promised—

Urania
You promised, eh? Well, de-promise. I'll have you know, I still think
I'm not past marrying and having children—

Hastings
Having children, sis? You're joking, you're past fifty!

Urania
Me! Fifty years old! Me! Jenny!

Jenny (defensively) Don't blame me. I've never told him your age! Because Madame has lived a while, people think she's no longer young. He's a stupid man.

Hastings Dear sister, I believe I've been quite fair in my calculations. I reasoned that since you are my elder sister, and I am past fifty myself—necessarily— Therefor, how can I be wrong?

Urania Your necessarily is stupid. I know very well that it—that it cannot be! My youth is well known. And I can prove it to you, clearly and precisely. My wealth will never be inherited by you. I'll bury you, and your children, and the children I am going to have, too. Despite you and the murderous plots you are hatching. Do you hear, brother dear?— I have spoken. Good day! Come Jenny.

(Exit Urania in a fury)

Hastings
Lovely disposition.

Jenny Sir, another time—or better yet, say nothing. Or read, if you please, better almanacs. My lady is, still, despite you and your calculations, young and pretty, and all the connoisseurs will remind you of it.

(Exit Jenny)

Hastings I can see what my sister is up to. Marry again, at her age? The old fool. Well, I have taken some measures. Better go see Torrington and straighten things out. If the man in question is as described, we shall very soon consummate this marriage.

BLACKOUT

Scene II. The same, a short time later. The Captain and Spruce enter from different directions. Spruce is out of breath again.

Spruce I found your brother, but not without trouble. You see how out of breath I am. I've been around London, from one end to the other—to the stage, to the post, everywhere. And I swear, every street I went down, I met a creditor. I even met that Welshman—the Squire to whom we owe a hundred pounds.

Captain
I am ashamed to owe him for so long. He took me for a gentleman—

Spruce (aside)
Which few do.

Captain And the first money that I get, I am going to repay him. Nothing will prevent me.

Spruce (aside) But a wench or a game of cards. (Aloud) Wonderful! Anyway, not knowing where to go first, I went back to the custom house. And there I saw your brother—actually knew him instantly from a distance—because of the resemblance. Really, an incredible resemblance. He was arguing with the inspector about the tariff. His face, his features, his bearing, even his tone of voice! If I hadn't known, I would have been deceived completely. But his temper,—that's where he's different from you. He's brusque, impolite even—quite unlike you. It's easy to see he isn't a man of the world— in fact, he's a savage brute!

Captain One shouldn't be surprised by rudeness in a country bumpkin who was nourished without politeness. It will take more than the air of London to get this beastly behaviour out of him.

Spruce As I was saying, I watched his quarrel from a distance, and when he finally left, I gave him a taste of my abilities as a porter. My zeal and flattery worked to such effect that he asked me to be his valet. I even recommended him this lodging—a place fit for the masterful projects I am hatching in my head. He ought to be here any minute.

Captain (amused) What masterful project are you hatching in that charming head of yours?

Spruce Fortune herself appeared to me—in total surrender. We can profit by this resemblance you bear to each other to obtain Flavella, and— what's more important—your inheritance. Two birds with one stone.

Captain
Yes, yes, we can. We shall, we will. But how?

Spruce Nothing could be easier. We'll trade off this bumpkin to Aunt Urania, you will get Miss Flavella, and more important, I will get Jenny.

Captain
And how are we to put this brave plan into action?

Spruce
First, you've got to change clothes, and dress like the heir apparent.
Adopt his mannerisms, and the Devil will provide—

Captain Dress like an heir? My God, I don't know how. I've never been an heir before.

Spruce
Act sad on first sight. Impose on the lawyer and get the money.

Captain
I am a little uncomfortable about deceiving my brother.

Spruce
What an idle and ridiculous delicacy! Risk nothing, gain nothing.
Maybe you ought to protect him. With this money, he could do some
good—only you don't give him a good character.

Captain If I want this inheritance, it's only for the sake of Flavella, whom I adore.

Spruce Of course. And if you don't get it, he will have her! Can you bear thinking of him kissing her?

Captain
Damnation!

Spruce
But he was a fine brother, and you ought not to deceive him.

Captain He's a son of a bitch. He was always stealing my toys. That's it. I'll do it.

Spruce
Good. That's the spirit.

Captain I'll tell you what. Flavella doesn't look on me with indifference. Her father knows nothing of it, and, by good luck, has never seen me, because I've never taken the first step to ask for her hand. If I had, all my hopes would have been dashed, I am sure of it. Still, one thing holds me back.

Spruce
Good Heavens, what can it be?

Captain
I've promised in writing to marry Urania.

Spruce Banish all thought of that engagement. If you were to marry all the women you've promised to marry, you would be a bigamist many times over. Now to work! You must dress like your brother. He's wearing mourning, a little frayed. His wig's a little different than yours, but you really don't need to change much. You must get into mourning, without wasting any time.

Captain
But, Urania is waiting for me to dine with her!

Spruce You now have other work to do. Dine tomorrow! I believe I see your brother coming up that side street. I'm not mistaken. You must go quick— Doubletime, Captain.

Captain
But, tell me first—

Spruce
I've nothing to say to you now, except go, quickly.

(Reluctantly, with a questioning expression, the Captain goes, hurried off by Spruce. After a moment, enter McNaughten dressed in mourning.)

Spruce Finally, you're here, sir. To keep my word I've been waiting for you by this hotel, but it's been a long time.

McNaughten Yes, indeed, here I am. I thought it was all my life was worth to get here. What a country—what a Hell! I made a thousand false turns. I've never run so many risks in my life. One cannot take a step without falling in some trap. Everywhere some pickpocket hemmed me in. A carriage covered me with mud. What noise, what confusion. I believe that in this city, the Devil has finally settled on his abode.

Spruce
Oh, London is a tumultuous, noisy place.

McNaughten Really! I'd much prefer to be at a Black Sabbath. A woods full of robbers is a hundred times more secure. My trunk was taken by someone else. I've lost fifteen pounds—and some love letters, too.

Spruce
You have to be on your guard around here.

McNaughten
I believe it, indeed. This loss will make me more alert and exact.
Happily, I kept most of my money in my belt.

Spruce Did you so? How clever of you. (picking his pocket) I've had a bed prepared for you in a nice quiet room, in the back, away from the street. Do you plan to stay in this town long?

McNaughten The less, the better. I can see nothing to like about it. I'm only here to get married.

Spruce
You usually can't do that business in a single day.

McNaughten I'm also here to collect an inheritance of sixty thousand pounds. I inherited it from an uncle that I had once, but no longer do—by a singular grace of God.

Spruce
And is it all for you, sir?

McNaughten Precisely. War took off my brother—opportunely. He was only twenty— in the flower of his youth. He took a quick trip to the promised land, and has never returned. God's grace knows no bounds.

Spruce Heaven give him peace, and give you success in all your plans. If you have need of my little services, you can employ me, sir, in any way you please. I know London very well, and I am always willing to serve my friends devotedly.

McNaughten
Can you tell me how to find a man named George Hastings?

Spruce
Hastings?

McNaughten
Exactly, that's his name.

Spruce Is there a man in London who knows better than I how to get to his house? We'll go together. Have you some business with him?

McNaughten
Yes, I do. By chance, might you also know where a solicitor named
Torrington lives?

Spruce Ah, indeed, I know him. You couldn't have done better than ask me— he's a particular friend of mine. We'll go to him, too. (Aside) But, I see Jenny coming. Good God, I hope she doesn't ruin all my good work.

(Enter Jenny)

Jenny What the Devil are you two doing—are you tied to a stake? Dinner's getting cold, my mistress is annoyed. Ah, there you are, sir. Truly, I am delighted.

McNaughten
What for?

Jenny I'm sent to see what prevents you from coming. My lady cannot understand the reason. But, what is this, sir, why the mourning outfit and the lugubrious reception? You act as if you didn't know me?

McNaughten
Miss—

Jenny Why have you gone into mourning so suddenly? Do you think this is the way to dress for a dinner party? Are you coming from a funeral, sir?

McNaughten
What's it to you? I'll dress as I please.
(Low to Spruce)
The girls around here are well equipped with effrontery and curiosity.

Spruce It's the custom of the town. They're always friendly with people they've never met. Beware a trap.

Jenny My concern in this matter is natural enough. Whatever happens to you interests me. My lady has an extreme tenderness for you, and I must imitate her.

McNaughten
Quite unnecessary.

Jenny
Sir!

McNaughten
You pretend your mistress loves me, do you?

Jenny
You pretend you don't know that?

McNaughten
May I be hanged if I ever heard of it before this moment!

Jenny (puzzled) You've had several proofs already. And if you want more solid proof, you can bed her and marry her whenever you like.

McNaughten
I can bed her?

Jenny
Easily.

McNaughten
And marry her?

Jenny
Yes, indeed.

McNaughten
Why would I want to do that?

Jenny
You don't have any other object in view, do you?

McNaughten
The proposition is very straightforward, on my word.
(Aside to Spruce)
On my oath, this wench is a procuress.

Spruce (protesting)
I rather like her that way.

Jenny
Before your return thousands came to offer for her hand, but
McNaughten is the only one who ever earned her love.

McNaughten (astounded)
How'd you know my name?

Jenny
How do you know mine?

McNaughten
How do I know YOUR name?

Jenny
Exactly. Same way.

McNaughten
I don't know it at all. Who the Devil are you, anyway?

Jenny
What's the meaning of this joke? My name's Jenny, and I serve Urania.
And I've seen you there more than a thousand times.

McNaughten
You're her servant?

Jenny
Now you've got it.

McNaughten My word! So much the worse for you. I know nothing about it. But, it's really a shame to think such a young girl is engaged in such a sinful school.

Jenny Quit joking. In one word, my lady is waiting dinner for you. To please you, she's invited her girl friend, who is pretty and very vivacious.

McNaughten
Your mistress does very good work.

Jenny (to Spruce, giving up on McNaughten) You talk to me, then? Tell me, what vapor has deranged his mind in so short a time?

Spruce (aside to Jenny) For some time he's been subject to distractions—the effect of which you can see for yourself. Sometimes, he talks idly and without any sense. He often speaks wildly.

Jenny (to Spruce)
Usually, he seems sensible enough. How can one lose one's memory and
reason in such a short time?
(To McNaughten)
Do you intend to speak sensibly to me?

McNaughten My dear, I am reasonable enough. It's you who are drunk or crazy. Do you intend to bother me with your nonsensical stories for an hour? Who is this Urania who adores me? You talk of dinner, a pretty friend, and a hundred other things, each one more stupid than the other. And which I don't comprehend any more than I do Algebra or the Koran.

Jenny You have no intention of being reasonable or dining with us, as you promised?

McNaughten The answer is no. I give myself to the Devil—and your mistress, too, with her noble plans. Let other birds fall into her snares. And you, her emissary and honest agent, do you not know it's a villainous thing to be a bawd? Some evil will befall you. Pray God for forgiveness. Go —and sin no more. I warn you, quit this line of work. Be guided by my advice—it's for your own good.

Jenny Well! I never have been so insulted in my life. Dare to call me a bawd!

McNaughten
Don't expect to catch me in your traps. I'm no country bumpkin.

Jenny We will see if you have the nerve to say such stupid things to my lady. Because, I am going to tell her everything you said, and, I won't omit one word. Be sure of it! (To Spruce) Goodbye, worthy valet of an unworthy master. I hope after a while we'll know each other better. (Aside) I don't understand any of it, and I hardly know where I am at!

(Exit Jenny)

McNaughten My God! What a town. What a strange place. They told me the London women were bold, and that to succeed in their secret practices, they inform themselves about newcomers with great care. But this is unbelievable.

Spruce She must have heard your name on the stage coach. She decided to make use of it when you got here, so that she could get something from you.

McNaughten
Right. That's how she knew. But, I defy their plots!

Spruce (slyly) If you had gone with her, (he gestures of someone being knocked over the head) it might have been all over for you. For both of us, in fact.

McNaughten Thank God, I know how to protect myself. If they've got it in their head to trick me— Well it won't work with such beastly tricks as these. I wasn't born yesterday.

Spruce Better not stay in this place too long. The women of London have lures that force the proudest hearts to succumb.

McNaughten
Your advice is good. Let's go in without lingering.

(Enter Urania and Jenny)

Jenny
You will see if I lie—. Speak to him. There he is!
(Aside)
The lout.

Urania While I am dying of impatience to see you, you wait here quite indifferent. Dinner is getting cold. You know I have no pleasure except when you are by.

McNaughten
In truth, Madame, I must tell you that I am very surprised—

Spruce (aside)
Be careful, sir. One friendly word might—

McNaughten (aside) Leave it to me. (Aloud) In my surprise— I find it very surprising—your attractions are a little distracting—and confound me. Besides— My word, I don't know what to say.

Urania The distraction I see you in suggests you've been involved in some bad business. Why didn't you tell me of this sad event? Tell me, dear child, have you been badly hurt—beaten up? Don't keep anything from me.

McNaughten (pulling himself together)
Never. I haven't been fighting.

Urania Is it money? All my wealth is yours.— When one loves and when one has only the purest ends in view, all the good and the bad, the pleasures and the pains—everything must be shared equally. I want my fortune to run with yours.

McNaughten (low)
So, that's it. Wants my money.
(Aloud)
I am obliged to you for the sentiment, but I have no need for the
kindness you offer me.

Urania
I don't understand this. This isn't the way you usually talk.

Spruce (low)
He's very rude, the way he talks. The better for us.

Urania
Please, let's go in to dinner.

McNaughten (low)
I'll humor her.
(Aloud)
I cannot now. I have some other business.

Urania'
I don't want to force you, but I'm frightened by your coldness.

McNaughten (furiously) What the Devil is this! Leave and finish. I am neither hot nor cold for you.

Jenny Well! Can he carry this impudence any farther? Stop, sir, you push your insolence too far. My word, if you come to us again, I'm going to slam the door in your face.

Urania
But, where've you been? Stop hiding things from me.

McNaughten You pretend to be ignorant, Madame, but you know very well. Didn't you see me on the stage coach. So, you know where I've been and where I'm going. It's your business.

Urania
What a reproach! And what stage are you talking of?

McNaughten The most vulgar one can go on. I doubt there's another between London and Bristol that better jolts the passengers.

Urania (helplessly)
Jenny, you're right, he's lost his mind.

Jenny He hasn't lost a thing. Surely, he's had too much to drink. It's wine that carries him to these extravagances.

McNaughten I've had enough of your impertinences. More important business calls me away, and it's to finish that business that I am here. To get married, and not to dine with creatures like you who seek adventures.

Urania
Creatures! Adventures! Heavens! What a way to speak to me!

Jenny Creatures! Ah, Madame, here are two fabulous cheats. If you listen to me, we'll box their ears and avenge our pride.

McNaughten
Softly, if you please. Moderate your passion.

Jenny I've never felt so wild. I would have spared the valet—but he does nothing to separate himself from his master. Why, Spruce?

Spruce I don't wish to know of your differences. I do not want to fight with you. If he brutalizes you, why blame me?

Urania How unhappy I am and how weak to have declared my affection for this ingrate! Jenny, you know it—I hide nothing from you.

Jenny
Perfidious wretch—isn't your heart touched?

McNaughten There, there, take it easy. If this extreme love has come on so swiftly, mark my words, it will soon pass off.

Urania (having made up her mind)
Go!— Expect nothing more from me, but hate and malice.

McNaughten
Fine. I can easily do without your favors.

Jenny
Ah, cursed renegade. Most wicked man in the world. May Heaven punish
you and Hell confound you. By rights, we should strangle you.
(Aside)
Surely, he's been bewitched—he just isn't himself.

(Exit Urania and Jenny in great wrath)

McNaughten Go with God, my princess. Choose more wisely where you form your rapid attachments. But see, what rage, what an outburst of passion. Now I feel a bit sorry, the Devil's tempting me. The maid had an appetizing face.

Spruce (aside) I'd better stop this. (Aloud) You've fought very bravely to the end—and one cannot praise your strength too highly. But beware, they might come back. Who knows what they will try next? So as not to have any more interruptions, let's go into the hotel. Then, if you think me worthy of some employment, you can give me something to do.

McNaughten I am dying to see the woman I am going to marry. Curiosity, more than love, pushes me on.

Spruce After you've inspected your room and freshened up, I will gladly escort you to her.

McNaughten
Good—wait until I return.

(Exit McNaughten to the hotel)

Spruce
I am going to find my master to find out what state things are in.
He'll look well in mourning. Courage, Spruce, be firm. Steady head,
steady hand. I will need all my skill.

CURTAIN

ACT II. Later that day.

Scene I. The same. Captain McNaughten, dressed in mourning enters, in conversation with Spruce.

Spruce Nothing is more surprising! Your resemblance to your twin passes belief. You and he are really one. With you both dressed in black, no one can tell the difference. I, your valet, cannot even be sure. So as not to be deceived myself, let me put a mark on you. Give me your hat.

Captain (giving his hat to Spruce)
What do you intend to do?

Spruce (putting a yellow ribbon on the hat) To put my mark on you, just like your father did, to better distinguish you.

Captain
I think you're trying to make me laugh.

Spruce
I'm not joking. I could very easily make a mistake.

Captain Mr. Torrington is already quite taken in. He met me right away, was very obliging, and within the hour will pay me my money.

Spruce What! He's going to pay over the entire inheritance? Sixty thousand pounds.

Captain (airily)
The whole thing.

Spruce What an honest man. But, let me tell you what has happened. On this very spot, others have taken your twin for you. Urania did so, and so did Jenny. Urania wanted to have him for dinner. He, surprised, not knowing what to say, and taking it to be a trap for his virtue, treated her very rudely, and was almost ready to fight with her. If I hadn't made peace between them, there would have been a mortal battle between man and woman.

Captain
Haven't they suspected the mistake?

Spruce How can they suspect you? For twenty years, they've thought you dead, and never, no matter how hard they try, can they figure the situation out.

Captain It's a pleasant adventure, and keeps me in good humor. But look—my father-in-law's coming. Let's carry on the sport. Accost him immediately.

(Enter Sir George Hastings)

Spruce
Sir, are you an honest man by the name of Hastings?

Hastings
That's my name.

Spruce
Delighted to meet you. Here is my master, freshly arrived, named
McNaughten, coming from Scotland, just to marry your daughter.

Hastings Ah, sir, hopefully this unexpected meeting will show you how glad I am you are here.

Captain And you, too, sir, witness a parallel joy and respect in your intended son-in-law.

Hastings Your figure, your air, your wit—enchant me. My heart would be completely happy if your late uncle, whom I met with often to conclude this marriage, was still alive.

Captain Ah, sir, don't recall his death. An uncle that I loved with a tender regard. This boy can tell you of my excessive sorrow, and how, at his death, I was awash in tears.

Spruce How Heaven made his soul miserable! But to speak of him is to touch a very tender nerve and might— But he was very old.

Hastings
Not so very old, same age with me, about fifty.

Spruce The word old can be understood in many ways. I speak of old with respect to his health. He was always complaining of some infirmity.

Hastings Not at all. He was never attacked by a malady in his entire life until the horrible accident which caused his death.

Captain
He had an iron constitution.

Spruce (aside to Captain)
Now, you're right.

Captain (aside to Spruce)
Shut up, then.

Hastings This conversation will awaken your grief. Let's talk of something more lively and gay. You are going to see my daughter, and I flatter myself you will be very content with her looks and her vivacity.

Captain I hope that duty will answer for me. I count very little on my own will.

Hastings You are quite wrong. Rely on enchanting her at first sight. I know women, and, take my word, Flavella is a wax tablet which I mould and form to my pleasure. I'll be very much surprised if you are not to her taste. I am her father, and to show you how much she defers to my wishes, just step aside. I am going to call her, and, without her seeing you, you will see how she responds to you.

(Exit Hastings)

Captain Leave me here. Go find my brother. The main thing is to prevent him from meeting Mr. Torrington. Make sure!

Spruce I agree. But, in the romantic mood he's in, I don't guarantee I'll be able to prevent him from seeing Miss Flavella. So, press her ardently, but be quick about it, there's no time to waste.

Captain
Go, quickly. I won't lose any time here. (steps aside)

(Exit Spruce in one direction. From another, enter Hastings and
Flavella.)

Hastings
Now, come along, Flavella.

Flavella
What is it, father?

Hastings To be brief about it, a man from Scotland has just arrived. He's very good looking, and he's here to marry you.

Flavella (aside)
What to I hear?

Hastings It's a perfect match—birth, wealth, family, all to my taste, and, as to his person—his person will suit you, my dear, suit you perfectly.

Flavella
Father, without, without pushing this conversation any further, permit
me to say, with deference and without showing any lack of obedience—I
HAVE NO INTENTION OF GETTING MARRIED!

Hastings
What? When did you decide that? You never used to talk like this.

Flavella True, but wisdom comes with age. I know the danger now. Today, husbands are, for the most part, jealous and unfaithful. They want a woman to marry their caprices. The best husbands are those with only a FEW vices.

Hastings But, he's a very nice, young man. You'll like him when you get to know him.

Flavella
I ALREADY HATE HIM WITHOUT SEEING HIM! It's enough that he's a
Scotsman and wears kilts. I wouldn't have him if he were a prince.

Captain (appearing) Madame, it's not necessary to be so passionate against the poor unfortunate your father wants to give you. If you hate him, he can find others whose sentiments differ from yours.

Flavella (aside) Good Heavens, what do I see! How astonishing! It's Captain McNaughten, dear God, it's my lover.

Hastings I am in despair that such a distaste has rendered her spirit so contrary to my wishes. But, I will force her, if you wish me to—

Captain No, sir, do not force her inclinations. I would rather die than constrain Madame's heart.

Hastings
Look him over, daughter. He's a husband practically made to order.
He's a young man, well born, and his spirit is the equal of his birth
and wealth.

Captain (plaintively)
I was wrong to set my hopes so high.

Flavella
What—is this the man you propose for me?

Hastings Yes—if you don't cross me in my choice. If your stupid, crazy ideas don't ruin all my plans and care.

Flavella To be honest with you, after seeing him, my heart isn't so set against marriage as it was before.

Captain You have such a passionate hate for me—can your eye accustom itself to look on me?

Flavella
My father's the boss. I will do everything daddy says.

(Enter Urania)

Urania
Ah, you are still here, traitor! With what impudence do you dare to
remain in my presence, after you have treated me with such indignity?
Aren't you afraid of my just anger?

Captain
Madame, I don't know what you are trying to say, and this brusque
conversation bewilders me. You mistake me for someone else, I am sure.
What complaint have you against me?

Urania Two faced traitor! Do you pretend not to know me? You tricked me with a pretended passion, and I, in good faith,—I gave you my heart— (wailing)—without knowing yours and all its darkness!

Captain You honor me with all my defects, but truly, I don't understand a word you are talking about.

Hastings
My word, neither do I. But tell me, sister, what are you getting at?
This bizarre humor—

Captain
This lady is your sister?

Hastings Yes, sir—who infuriates me—my elder sister, but not wiser. What new caprice, what new demon, I say, makes you come play mischief? To scandalize this poor gentleman who never saw you before in his life? How could he have harmed you, a perfect stranger?

Urania Doesn't know me! A perfect stranger! I believe you're mad. For two years, this ingrate has been my suitor—my lover. This gigolo has drawn on my wealth, and I have paid for practically every thing he wears. If I hadn't taken pity on his misfortunes, he would long ago have been on the dole.

Hastings
I told you so; she's a little crazy.

Captain
Still, she seems normal. Some sort of mistake.

Hastings
Oh, I give you my word.

Captain In any event, I don't relish lingering here any longer to listen to this insulting discourse. I leave the battle field to the lady. I will return as soon as she leaves.

Hastings No one can stop her from talking. You have to put up with her difficult nature.

Captain For a while, sir, permit me to leave you. I will return to finish my visit.

(Exit Captain)

Urania (pursuing him part way) Don't think to escape me. I know your plans. You may try to tear him from my arms, but I swear I will marry him, in spite of the daughter, the father, the relations, the whole family—in spite of him, and in spite of myself, too.

(Exit Urania after the Captain)

Hastings What vertigo disturbs her and brings her here? As she gets older, her head seems to get more and more disturbed.

Flavella
It's true. I'm very often ashamed for her.

Hastings I am afraid that this woman, with her unaccountable temper may come here and cause some misfortune.

(Enter McNaughten and Spruce)

Spruce (to McNaughten) Yes, sir, here they are: the father and daughter, together. You can speak with both of them about your affair.

Hastings Ah, sir, my daughter and I must beg your pardon for my sister and her wild delusions. You conceive, sir, that women, like little girls, sometimes have spirits that go against their family.

McNaughten
Ah,—yes,—sir.

Hastings
You return quickly. I am delighted.

McNaughten I come to wish you a good day. And, at the same time, to marry a lady named Flavella, whose father you are,—at least every one says so. In short, that is what brings me here.

Hastings I've already told you, and I repeat, how much this pleases me. My daughter is happy, too. Having seen you, she now submits to love and duty. At first, she had a slight distaste—but after seeing you, her heart melted.

McNaughten (puzzled)
We've met before?

Hastings
Just now. You left her here, and appeared content.

McNaughten
Me? I left her here?

Hastings YOU, without a doubt. Certainly. We were just greeting you, with great joy, when my sister came with her crazy talk, and interrupted our conversation. How can you forget so soon?

McNaughten Someone is dreaming—either you or me! What! You would have me believe that I have already seen your daughter! When? How? Where?

Hastings
Right here—on this spot—a little while ago.

McNaughten So, you're crazy. This will make me look like a person having hallucinations, and I don't like that at all. However that may be, I see her now. Whether it is the first or second time makes little difference for our marriage.

Hastings (low)
At first, I thought this man was very intelligent.

McNaughten Madame, they've boasted to me, in letters, about your attractions. I'm quite content, seeing you, that all that was true. But, in some cases, temperament doesn't go together with beauty. It's up to you to cure my apprehensions on that score. I will give my verdict, after you have spoken.

Flavella (aside)
I don't understand him. His mind is troubled.

McNaughten I love men of spirit more than any man in England. I, myself, am brilliant without study. I find that study is the perfect way to spoil one's youth—besides being no use, whatever. So, I've never stuck my nose in a book. When a gentleman knows how to ride and steer his horse, drink, sign his name,—he is as wise a gentleman as the late Cicero.

Hastings
Will you take a position at court or in the Army?

McNaughten My mind is not made up. Court has many powerful attractions—provided the routine doesn't fatigue me. War also has its attractions. Because savants versed in astrology have assured me that I will live to be at least a hundred, necessarily I will not die on the battle field. My name will be famous throughout Europe. But still, there are so few wars these days. I really want to fulfill my destiny. If I only knew what it was. I really love to live.

Spruce
You are very wise.

Flavella
What a speech! What nonsense! Am I really listening to the man I love?

McNaughten
What's wrong? You appear surprised—as if I'd said something crazy.
You look to me (addressing Flavella) —let's speak openly—as if you
have little intention of heeding any lesson from your husband.

Flavella (icily)
I know what my duty is as an engaged woman.

McNaughten To be sure, I think you are virtuous and prudent. But you've got an amorous and sly look about you that doesn't augur well for me in the future. Without being a fortune teller, I predict you are planning some little trick to play on me in the future. True? What do you say?

Hastings
Sir, fear nothing. My daughter always behaves herself properly.

McNaughten
The sly ones always behave with great propriety.

Flavella Heavens! Can he say this to my face? Father, let me leave. This gentleman flatters me too much. His tender compliments allow me to understand his sentiments only too well.

(Exit Flavella before her father can reply)

Hastings (aside)
I thought at first my son-in-law had beautiful manners.

McNaughten
Women don�t' really like sincerity very much.

Spruce
You don't flatter them.

McNaughten By God, I am frank. Woman, mistress, friend, are all alike to me. I am not afraid to say what I think.

Hastings
That's very proper. Everything will be fine. Please stay at my house.

McNaughten
I receive that gracious offer in the proper spirit, but—

Hastings
To let you suffer in a hotel would be an insult.

McNaughten
I beg you to let me stay at liberty a little longer.

Hastings
So be it! I am going to see about this marriage contract.
(Aside)
My would be son-in-law appears a savage. But his wealth redeems all.

(Exit Hastings)

McNaughten (slowly)
I have seen the object I am to marry.

Spruce
Yes, sir. Right here.

McNaughten
Tell me, frankly, what do you think?

Spruce
To be honest with you, I didn't find many perfections.

McNaughten
My word, neither did I.

Spruce (aside) What an additional embarrassment. One of our creditors is bearing down on us. It's the old clothes merchant who is paying us a visit.

(Enter Mr. Bronlow)

Bronlow (greeting McNaughten) My humble duties. I learned this morning of your return, sir. I have come to be the first to welcome you to England. We were all worried about you. Extremely worried, I may say. In my establishment, everybody loves you, me, my daughter, my wife—we all tremble with fear that something might happen to you.

McNaughten Such good souls to love me without having seen me! I never would have believed it.

Bronlow We owe it to you, sir. And for very good reason. You've been a friend of our house for a very long time.

McNaughten (to Spruce, low)
Who is this man?

Spruce (low) He's—he's a visionary. A type of lunatic—with a pleasant character (making it up as he goes along, and becoming more and more inspired) —who believes everyone he meets owes him money. It's his folly to greet everyone he meets and present them with a promissory note—and to demand payment. I am surprised that he hasn't paid you the compliment already. (Aside) I think I did that rather well.

McNaughten
His madness is novel and rare, assuredly.

Spruce (low, to McNaughten) It happens all the time in this city. If you stay here long enough, he may not be the only one you meet.

Bronlow I am delighted to see you in such good health. More than you can imagine. Here's a little bill you ran up before you left. I am sure you won't quibble about paying it.

Spruce (triumphantly)
What did I tell you!

Bronlow Because you were away so long, I was obliged to sue out a judgement against you.

McNaughten
A personal judgement against me!

Bronlow But, kindly creditor that I am—I differ extremely from process servers whose suits and writs give people headaches—I present the bill myself—

McNaughten
You're truly very good and honest. What might be your name?

Bronlow
Oh—you know it very well.