McNaughten
Let me be hanged if I know it at all!
Bronlow
Could you possibly forget?
Spruce (aside to Bronlow)
Are you unable to see the illness he's suffering from?
Bronlow
Indeed, I am unable to see it!
Spruce He's suffering from amnesia and cannot recall a thing. Neither what he's done nor the people he's seen. Talking to him about the past is not only useless but crazy. His name itself, his very own name, he sometimes forgets!
Bronlow Heavens, what are you telling me? What a sad event. But how could he, at his young age?
Spruce How? (puzzled momentarily) How? He lost it in the war—in a battery with the cannon roaring with such fury that it made a commotion in his head—which prevents him from remembering anything. In his weak head— this tender membrane. Oh, you cannot understand the effect of a cannon.
Bronlow (very decently) I am terribly sorry for what has befallen you, but I assure you that you do owe me this money.
McNaughten
I can see very clearly that reason has taken leave of you.
Bronlow
Sir, try to recall those uniforms I supplied you with.
McNaughten Uniforms to me! Go collect your imaginary bills elsewhere. I haven't the time to listen to your nonsense. You are an old fool.
Bronlow I am a clothes merchant. My name is Bronlow incorporated, and I am a churchwarden. If you've lost your memory, the articles are listed in the bill of sale, which if you would kindly read, will inform you— (Presenting a bill of sale to McNaughten)
McNaughten (tearing it up and throwing the pieces in Bronlow's face)
Here, take your foolish bill of sale! I've done with it.
Spruce (to Bronlow, who is horrified)
Oh, sir, against a madman, it is useless to contend.
Bronlow (gathering up the pieces)
To tear up a bill of sale; to throw it in my face. You are a cheater!
McNaughten (ready to attack Bronlow)
Me? A cheater?
Spruce (putting himself between them)
Gentlemen—please—
Bronlow
I will show you.
Spruce (to Bronlow)
Not so much noise. Consider the state to which he has been reduced.
Bronlow
To tear up a receipt!
Spruce
Not such a big thing.
Bronlow
It's a frightful crime—worthy of transportation.
McNaughten
Let me pull his ears!
Spruce
Leave him alone. What would you do to a poor churchwarden?
(To Bronlow)
If you argue any more something terrible may happen.
Bronlow
I want to be paid. I don't give a damn about the rest.
Spruce (to Bronlow) Leave, sir, leave. Do you want to rekindle the flames in his overheated mind with your screaming?
Bronlow Very well—I will leave. But before an hour has passed, I am going to make him change his tune. Your humble servant.
(Exit Mr. Bronlow)
Spruce
What's the use of getting irritated by a madman?
McNaughten What? Does he seek me out to be the butt of his impertinences? Let him take his extravagances down another road. Let's go to Mr. Torrington without waiting any further.
Spruce Presently sir, now it would be a wasted effort. He isn't home, but he'll be back soon. In a little while, I'll return and take you to see him. A certain pressing duty calls me away suddenly.
McNaughten I will wait for you. Go, but don't delay. I need to calm down. I begin to believe everyone in this city is crazy. Of all the people I've met today, I've only found one. besides myself, who is reasonable, and that's you.
(Exit McNaughten to the hotel)
Spruce
I intend to inspect everything. Let's see. The fish himself is in our
net. Everything is going according to plan. Today, I serve two gods—
Fortune and Cupid. I hope to make myself useful!
BLACKOUT
Scene II. The same, a short while later. Spruce is standing in front of the hotel.
Spruce I've been watching this door, and no one has come out. My master has had time to get his money and run. And I, diligent accomplice that I am, wait here to make sure that the brother doesn't spoil things by running to Torrington and discovering this mystery. Already, a creditor has embarrassed me. It's laughable to think all that's happened. I've put things into the hands of a man with an ardent imagination. God, if McNaughten were a bit less headstrong and argumentative, he'd have seen through it all by now. Thank Heaven for passionate people. But I see Jenny coming. My amorous heart ignites with new flames in her presence.
(Enter Jenny)
Jenny
I am come to look for your master.
Spruce While waiting for him to come, permit my love to entertain you. Let me sacrifice my heart at the altar of your matchless charms.
Jenny Take your sacrifices elsewhere, and never trouble yourself to speak to me again! Your master has treated me with disrespect, and I am going to be avenged on you for it. To call me a creature!
Spruce
But, is that my fault?
Jenny (implacably)
You are his valet!
Spruce Ha, don't pay attention to him. Sometimes, he's like that. Hard and brutal as a dog.
Jenny My ears are still ringing from his villainous words, and, my lady is so scandalized that she is breaking with him, forever, even though it breaks her poor heart. I am sent to collect her portrait and all her letters.
Spruce It's useless to keep the letters, but as to the portrait—the frame is made of gold and studded with diamonds. It's my considered opinion, that he should not part with the portrait,—it's too precious to give back—from sentiment, of course. The two are not the same. We can pawn it, if the need for money drives us to extremities, my child.
Jenny
Why make such a big fuss over a portrait.
Spruce Because, we were in big trouble not long ago. Once burned, twice shy. Fortunately, an uncle—a very honest man, has helped us out, by voluntarily descending to the underworld quicker than we could say his name. He has saved us in a very timely fashion, by making us heirs to sixty thousand pounds.
Jenny
Ah, Heavens, so that's it!
Spruce
I tell you the truth.
Jenny
So—in such a short time, you've become rich.
Spruce Right! We've received the sad, but happy, news of his death and the princely bequest, and have got our money in less time than it takes to tell you of it. My master is devilishly close to success.
Jenny
Oh, I don't doubt it.
Spruce Judge for yourself. You see, he would have done a very foolish thing to remain faithful to your lady under the circumstances. One must trim one's sail to the wind.
Jenny
The world is full of lovers like that.
Spruce Following his example, I am quitting the shop girls and the scullery maids. My love wishes to rise to hearts of a higher rank. I will take proud flight and rise to the peaks. The money will pass through my trusty hands, and, fortunately, they're sticky. I believe I will throw myself into business.
Jenny
You are going into business? You!
Spruce Before two years have passed, watch me go by in a magnificent chaise— on my way to the country. I'll be burning the paving stones with the gallop of six Spanish horses. A French barber, numerous valets, countless attendants, cooks—and pretty chambermaids will fill my palace. My buffet will be of gold and porcelain. The wine will flow like water in the Thames. My table will be open, my days, libertine. When I wish to give a secret little supper, I will have a cozy retreat prepared, where I will feast the fair ladies. One day, this one; the next, that one. And I promise you, when your turn comes, and even before that, to treat you to a feast.
Jenny (sarcastically)
I am overwhelmed!
Spruce
For you, my tenderness knows no bounds. But, look who's coming. It's
McNaughten himself. At your command, sir. You see me prepared to do my
duty.
(Enter McNaughten)
McNaughten
You've waited for me in this place for some time. Meanwhile, I've
found a paper that will expedite our little business with Mr.
Torrington.
Jenny My mistress has decided to break with you forever. She has sent me here to collect her portrait, her letters, her jewels, and everything that belongs to her. She has ordered me to return to you, yours. Here they are. (giving him a packet of letters and a portrait)
McNaughten (stunned)
All this, here, has been with her for a long time?
Jenny It's the custom amongst HONEST people, when they quarrel and make a final break, to return each other's letters and portraits.
McNaughten
Is it so?
Jenny Yes, sir—without fail. This young man here will tell you so. Those who live properly pride themselves on it.
McNaughten Look here, my dear, all of this is a terrible nuisance, and you should realize that I'm getting tired of putting up with it.
Jenny Stop playing around! Here's your portrait—now give me hers, and, I'll be off!
McNaughten
My portrait—what are you talking about?
Jenny Yes, your portrait, which my mistress exchanged for hers—bad bargain, though it was.
McNaughten (feebly)
I gave MY portrait to YOUR mistress?
Jenny Look, are you going to pretend this is all a fable? That it is all false?
McNaughten Why, yes, by all the Devils, that is what I say, and what I will maintain, now and forever.
Jenny
Surely, you wouldn't dare to take your oath on that, sir?
McNaughten Yes, I swear it. For, I've never had my portrait drawn, which proves it, beyond question.
Spruce This is no time to feign. If you have received it, no matter how—you are going too far.
McNaughten
I don't know anything about it—may the Devil take me if I do!
Jenny
Isn't this your portrait in this locket?
McNaughten No—unless the Devil, to injure me, painted it with his own hands and gave it to you.
Jenny What audacity—what effrontery! But, I will confound you. Look—what can you say to this witness? (opening the locket) Well—do you know the face and the features?
McNaughten How the Devil! It's—me. Who'd ever have thought such a thing possible? Those are my eyes, my look.
Spruce (taking the portrait from Jenny) Let's have a look, please. Put the original beside the copy. My word— it is you, all right. A speaking portrait. Never did a painter draw a better likeness.
McNaughten There's some sorcery—or at least some trick. You will see. These two creatures painted it while I was on the coach—just to play me some trick. It's all part of their plan.
Jenny
Stop it, please.
McNaughten Stop it yourself! Go try to meet men some other way, and leave me alone.
Jenny
Give me back the portrait!
McNaughten
Of whom?
Jenny
Of my mistress, who else?
McNaughten (grabbing her roughly by the shoulders)
I don't know anything about it. Get out and leave me alone.
Jenny Do you know, sir, that before leaving this place, I am going to scratch your eyes out?
Spruce
Sir, to avoid any further quarrel—give her her portrait. You know a
woman scorned is a hundred times more vicious than all the Devils in
Hell.
McNaughten But, were she a thousand times more of a Devil than she is— I don't know her or her mistress.
Spruce (to Jenny) Never mind what he says. He must still be in love with her. Let me soften him up a bit. Come back soon, and I will have it for you.
Jenny
Oh, all right. I can wait a little. But if he refuses to listen to
reason when I get back, I am going to burn the house down, understand?
(Smiling)
(Exit Jenny)
McNaughten I don't know which of those harridans is more frightening: the mistress or the maid. How can perfect strangers be so enthusiastic about persecuting me—? Like furies from Hell.
Spruce A man like you—young, loveable, handsome—is subject to these misfortunes. Between lovers, fights like these are mere bagatelles. >From today, I promise to make you friends with her.
McNaughten
Lord forbid.
Spruce (aside) But, who do I see coming this way? It's the Squire. That hundred pounds is going to spell trouble for us.
(Enter the Squire)
Squire Hey, dear fellow, what luck—let me embrace you a thousand times to show you how happy I am to see you. Look at me—I was outre—in despair. This has been a horrible day, I've had nothing but bad luck until Lo! I meet you. I've been buffeted on all sides by fate. Just like a football.
McNaughten Sir, I am sorry to see you this way, but I have no time to struggle with you.
Squire A pistol shot would be good for me. I wish someone would crush me into the ground.
McNaughten
Who is this Irishman?
Spruce
Evidently, a dear friend of yours—-although I think he's Welsh.
McNaughten
I've never seen him before.
Squire I've just left a house—may the earth swallow it, and nature perish with it—where I lost my last penny at cards. Outrageous luck. So, I am obliged to ask you for the hundred pounds I loaned you when you were in need. Excuse my importuning you, but you will pardon me—you can see what a state I am in.
McNaughten I pardon you, entirely, and you will pardon me, too, if I say that this surprises me, entirely. I don't know you. How could you lend me a hundred pounds, never having seen me before?
Squire (coldly)
What kind of talk is this? It passes my understanding.
McNaughten
I suppose your talk is easier to comprehend?
Squire
You pretend you don't owe me a hundred pounds?
McNaughten
No—on my oath. You've loaned to someone else, not me.
Squire Perhaps, you don't recall, that before going to Germany, you needed money for the campaign—not having enough money to buy a mule, let alone a horse—
McNaughten
I don't recall a word of all this. I've never been to Germany.
Squire That's where you said you were going. You came to me for help, and I opened my purse for you, without any uncalled for remarks.
McNaughten
To me? I'd have to be crazy to borrow money from a Scotsman, or
Irishman, or whatever you are.
Squire (icily) Sir, I am Welsh. This man here can bear witness; he was with you—I recall his face. Come here, boy. Speak! Do you dare deny what his evil heart tries in vain to forget?
Spruce (terrified)
Sir—
Squire
Speak, or my hand, possessed by fury, will—
Spruce
It comes to me in a confused way—
Squire
A confused way. Well, I am certain of it. I see you are no better than
your master. Though I blame you less—perhaps you fear your place or a
beating.
(To McNaughten)
Now, sir, give me my money, or take your sword.
McNaughten What! Because I refuse to give you a hundred pounds, you compel me to fight!
Squire A little. Breaking an oath puts me in temper. Quickly—defend yourself.
McNaughten
I am in no great rush. Let's discuss it further.
Squire
No discussion. Your choice is clear.
McNaughten
But, sir—
Squire
But, sir— You must give me satisfaction
McNaughten Me, give you, satisfaction? But, I swear, I don't owe you a penny. Sue me—I will respond in court.
Squire You know, very well, I did not even ask for a receipt! When someone owes me—I carry my own bailiff. (drawing his sword)
McNaughten Just Heaven—the brute! How am I to get out of this, without being maimed or killed? How much do you insist I owe you?
Squire
A hundred pounds. How easily you forget.
McNaughten
But, I can't pay you a hundred pounds. I will give you half.
Squire May I be pulverized to atoms, you will pay me my hundred pounds, in a quarter of an hour or I will kill you instantly.
Spruce (low to McNaughten The villain is prepared to kill us both, I believe. Give it to him—if you're dead, what good will the sixty thousand pounds do you? Answer him softly. The man is desperate and has nothing to lose.
McNaughten
But, it's robbery.
Spruce
Exactly. Your money or our lives.
McNaughten
He's very rude and I don't like him.
Spruce
What a time for reflections.
McNaughten
If you are in such a hurry, sir, so much the worse for you. I'll seek
another time to be angry. I haven't got a hundred pounds, but here are
sixty.
(To Spruce)
Give it to him, to calm him.
(Aside)
Ah, if I were not in line for this sixty thousand pounds, I would die
fighting, before I gave him a farthing. He looks formidable, though.
It would be quite a skirmish.
Spruce Here's more than half your debt, sir. Tomorrow, you will have the entire amount.
McNaughten I want it clearly understood, that I protest, I do not owe you a penny. I am paying you, only because you insist that I do.
Squire (taking the purse) Goodday, sir, goodday. I see your soul. You spoke of honor to me, but this proves the contrary. Never come near me again. No more of this business. My nobility would be degraded in the presence of a coward like you.
(Exit Squire)
McNaughten Ha, has he got a nerve, to talk like that? Where am I? In what country? Can this be England? What a race of perjurers. Men, women, squires, merchants, customs officers, Welshmen. They all seem united in an effort to enrage me. I don't know one of them, and they all pretend to be my best friend come to surprise me. Let's go to Torrington and get out of this frightful situation.
(McNaughten starts to leave)
Spruce (running after him and catching him)
Don't you want me to escort you to him?
McNaughten I have no further need of your help. I am obliged to you for the services you have rendered. (giving him some money) I couldn't praise them more. But, from now on, I am so extremely suspicious that I am going to fend for myself. Then, I will have only myself to blame if something further goes wrong.
(Exit McNaughten)
Spruce
That fellow has got all his wits about him. He must decamp or go mad.
Still, if he stays a bit longer, he'll end up paying off all my
master's creditors.
(Enter the Captain)
Captain Ah, my beloved Spruce, you see me beside myself. My fortune is so great that I can hardly believe it. I have got the money—look! It has force and power. All portable. Bills of Exchange—the best in London. I will purchase two or three titles—with the best estates in England.
Spruce What a windfall! Wealth comes to you from all sides. Please, let me look over the notes. Beautiful engraving, excellent workmanship. Pretty names. Superb style. Freely negotiable—not like love letters on cheap paper where love distills itself in faded oaths, and idle nonsense.
Captain I know their worth better than you. But, just as the money did little for me in the past, I hope, in the future, that it will serve me the same way it does others.
Spruce You don't know how luck has favored you. Your brother was just here, and the Squire who loaned you a hundred pounds, suddenly appeared, asking for the money. Your brother, naturally enough, thought the man was insane. But the Squire, tiring of excuses drew his sword on the spot. Your twin didn't care to fight—prudently, in my opinion, for that Squire is the very Devil when his Welsh blood is up. So, your brother gave half of it to the Squire, who took it as a reduction,
Captain
I am obliged to him for paying my debts.
Spruce
You don't owe him too much. He's done you a lot of harm with Flavella!
Captain (concerned)
He's seen her?
Spruce Oh, indeed. He's a little brutal. He satirized her and said some things that would put any woman's dander up. And, of course, she took it as coming from you. Flavella left, rather incensed.
Captain I've got to undeceive her of this error. But I see her coming. Where are you heading, Madame? Where are you off to?
(Enter Flavella)
Flavella
Someplace you are not.
Spruce
There's tit for tat.
Flavella I am going to Urania's to tell her she may have you. Love her, I consent. I give her to you. I vow, henceforth, to flee you like a monster and never see you more.
Captain
Madame—
Flavella
In return for the most intense love, what do I receive from you?
Injury and invective! It seems I appear to you without honor, wit or
attraction.
Captain
Madame, listen to me—
Flavella Never. I don't understand how it is possible to be so brutal or to have the audacity, the cold blood, to say such hard things to my very face.
Captain
You know that in a public place—
Flavella
I don't know a thing.
Captain
Everything's all right—
Spruce
Listen, without so much passion.
Flavella
Do you intend that I expose myself again to his stupidities?
Spruce My Lord, no. You jump to conclusions. In one moment, I am going to dispel all these clouds and prove that you are both wrong (Flavella and the Captain protest) and both right.
Flavella
Yes, I'm certainly right, as even you, can see.
Captain
And I am not wrong.
Spruce All this little squabbling excites you. In two words it will be all over. The gentleman has said certain harsh words to you?
Flavella
Past all belief.
Captain
But I say—
Spruce Peace—away with petulance. I won't talk to either of you, if you are always going to interrupt. The man who made this impertinent speech to you is him—except he's not him. It's only his figure, manner, name, and face. The one looks like the other. But, they differ, both are not the same, and, in fact, are two! Thus, the other one is him—dressed in his skin, the portrait of my Captain—he's the one who spoke so unfeelingly to you.
Flavella
With what kind of nonsense do you hope to confuse me?
Captain
Don't go off without listening to him speak.
Spruce Maybe I am not making myself clear. Monsieur has a brother in these parts, a twin brother—identical in features and clothes. It was his tongue that lashed you. You took him for this one, who is like him. The other one is a brutal imposter. Here is the real McNaughten.
Flavella What a strange story. Strange, I haven't heard it before. But—I choose to believe it as it flatters my pride. Love renders my scorn just and pardonable.
Captain
Your anger renders you more adorable in my eyes. Permit my passion—
(Trying to kiss her)
Flavella
Moderate your passions—
Captain I am at fault. Too transported by pleasure, I push my passion a little too far. But let us both forget our scorn.
Spruce (showing the Captain's hat) So as not to be deceived—look for this mark. In a tight spot, it will serve you like a beacon. Know which is which before you make for the justice of the peace to be married.
Flavella
My heart will tell me sooner than my eyes.
Captain May Heaven today complete my fortune. Without you, I want nothing and renounce everything.
Spruce Stop the compliments. When you are married, you will have leisure to do that. Remember, Urania is against you. Let Madame return home in peace for the moment. We must run to make the marriage contract. For now we are at the beginning of the end—or is it the end of the beginning? Anyway, we must finish.
CURTAIN
ACT III.
The street again. Sometime later. Enter Jenny and Urania.
Jenny I tell you truly, Madame, I don't believe you can find another man with such an evil heart. When I pressed him to return your portrait, he wanted to beat me. And, I believe he would have, if his valet, a man of softer disposition, hadn't diverted his rage. Oh, M'am, arm yourself with courage—follow your point, and be valiant. Pursue your rights. You have him in your power. You have his promise in writing. He'll have to make good on it.
Urania
If I don't make him, let Heaven punish me.
Jenny Here there is no relying on oaths, on probity. Despite law and honor, women these days are often trapped. They rely on words, and are deceived. So, to protect ourselves, we must make them put their fair words in writing. It's only fair. But, what use will it be to get it in writing, if we don't enforce the contract? I see very plainly, that in this ungrateful century, one cannot hope to rely on anything that's not in writing. But, we prefer to be the sport and dupes of men.
Urania Say no more, Jenny. My incensed heart is resolved. If I can, I will avenge our whole sex on this man.
Jenny What, then? To get the world's attention, does it take more than to wear a pretty wig? An empty head, a little whipper snapper, who admires only himself, and chatters pleasantly, because he has good manners, can plead with us about his love with complete impunity. He surprises us and makes his ardent declaration—but recoils when it comes time to make good on it. It's a hideous thing that cries to heaven for vengeance. Abuse like this is grounds for revoking the license we give men. Even if you don't want to marry him to avenge yourself, you must do it to enrage him, and to satisfy the rest of us!
Urania (sighing) But, if he no longer loves me, what good is it to force him into such a sad marriage?
Jenny Who marries only for love nowadays? That was fine, when you were an adolescent. It's no crime to marry without love, and, even without respect. What's necessary is to marry! You are at an age when your attractions will wither and disappear. The advice I'm giving you, in my zeal, is good. I intend to apply it to myself. To be an old maid is a frightful evil, far worse than all the unhappiness that marriage can cause.
(Enter Hastings and Flavella)
Hastings
Chance has led you here and saved me the trouble of finding you.
Urania Chance has favored us equally, for I have been saved the trouble of hunting you up.
Hastings Always preoccupied? Aren't you yet undeceived? Don't you— Don't you realize that your passion is a chimera and a hallucination? Give it up—believe me. You won't profit by crossing my plans. Show yourself to be wise.
Urania As usual, you babble without rhyme or reason. But, you know what I want to talk about. Here is McNaughten's written promise to marry me; given as a mark of his affection and in his own handwriting.
(Flavella flinches)
Hastings
Where is your credulity leading you, sis?
Urania
He wrote me, I tell you. I've been swindled. Listen, niece—
Flavella
You may be quite sure I'm listening very carefully, auntie.
Urania Without exaggeration, you are very pleasant to try to steal a heart like his from me, and to appropriate my treasure so boldly. Such an action is stupid and not honest.
Flavella Who could possibly ravish a conquest from your arms? Your eyes guarantee that when one has been struck by your manifold attraction, they will never change. They are charming eyes which steal men from others.
Urania My eyes are prettier than yours. We will see who succeeds best if we employ them at the same time!
Hastings
Oh, I am at the end of my patience listening to you both. Happily, I
see my son-in-law coming.
(To McNaughten)
Are you bring the solicitor with you?
(Enter McNaughten)
McNaughten I've been looking for him for nearly an hour, in vain. I finally came to ask you to conduct me to him. Something irritating is always happening to me today.
Hastings
I am waiting for him. I believe he won't be late.
McNaughten One, after running after me, like one of my most cherished and faithful friends, asked news of my health. Another, forcefully grabbed my hand, and wanted to lead me to a tavern for supper. Then, a third, stopping me in the street, forced me to pay a debt I know nothing about. All these people confound me to Hell! As if I knew them any better than Lucifer!
Urania Traitor! Are you finished? In spite of your promised word, you intend to marry another? In spite of all your oaths, in spite of your first choice?
McNaughten
Ah, are we still at that?
Urania You desert me, ingrate, faithless heart. You take pleasure in the cruel pain I suffer. You see me dying and giving in to my fate without shedding one single tear for my death. (collapsing on Jenny)
McNaughten This woman is a torment; she must have been bewitched. Must I always have a fury attached to my steps?
Jenny Can you see my lady expire in my arms? You, who once had so much tenderness for her? This poor innocent—does she deserve to have her love repaid by such cruelty?
McNaughten
Let her expire in your arms. Let the Devil take her, and you with her.
Who cares! Already, for my peace and quiet, he might have done that.
Urania (springing back to life) Perjurer! I will avenge myself for your breach of contract. I have your promise. There's your signature. I have proof of your imposture.
McNaughten (to Hastings) She's crazier than it's possible to explain. Try, as soon as you can, to have her shut up.
Hastings (reading the contract)
But here's your name: McNaughten. Have you been with her in some way?
She is my sister: maybe I can smooth things over.
McNaughten
Me! If I've ever seen those two cheats standing there before today.
Pardon the harsh word, one of them is your sister. Never mind. I swear
before you, that Satan—Lucifer—
Hastings
I believe you without swearing.
McNaughten This woman has vowed to make me insane. Spirit, demon, mischief making witch, woman or fury—whatever you are: I beg you, leave me alone.
(Enter Torrington)
Hastings
Ah, Mr. Torrington, you come just in time, and we await you eagerly.
Torrington I meet the company with pleasure, reunited on a joyful day in one place. I believe my presence won't displease. The future has great attractions. Your daughter was only lacking a husband—despite all her attractions, she was incomplete. But, now, behold the well made man love has given her. Now, she has nothing to desire.
McNaughten Except to be a widow, and see me buried. That is the finishing touch on the happiness of a woman.
Flavella
Such ideas never entered my mind.
Torrington (laughing uneasily) The gentleman says what he thinks. Your beauty charms him as much as your wit. I promise you, he's an honest man. I vouch for him.
McNaughten
You're joking, sir.
Torrington
And, in his headstrong character you find frankness of heart.
McNaughten (genially) I will be even with you. It's you to whom virtues are social conventions. I would praise you equally, if I had your facility with words.
Torrington
If, as I believe, we are all agreed, we can proceed.
Urania (sweetly) No need to hurry. I am opposed, if you please, to this pretty marriage, and for a very good reason.
Hastings You can tell us your reasons and your griefs tomorrow, sister. Don't prevent us from doing our business.
Torrington
Here, then, is the contract.
McNaughten But, first, sir, there is a little business that must be settled first.
Torrington Whatever you like is best. I wouldn't have been in such a hurry if you hadn't asked me to finish drawing up the contract as soon as possible.
McNaughten
Are you suggesting you've seen me before?
Torrington
At my house.
McNaughten
When?
Torrington
A little while ago.
McNaughten
Who—me? Me?
Torrington You, yes, you. You paid me the honor of a visit in my home. But I made it worth your while, for I paid you sixty thousand pounds sterling.
McNaughten
Wait a minute. What did you say?
Torrington
You're trying to make some joke.
McNaughten
This is no laughing matter, I assure you. In fact, I am getting upset.
Isn't your name Torrington?
Torrington
It certainly is.
McNaughten
And are you not a solicitor?
Torrington
I am—and an honest man to boot.
McNaughten Oh, that's something else again. Don't you have sixty thousand pounds inheritance for me?
Torrington
I did—but no longer.
McNaughten
Why not?
Torrington
Isn't McNaughten your name?
McNaughten
Without a doubt.
Torrington Then, I gave the sum to you, in cash and bills of exchange. And, what's more, I have your receipt for it.
McNaughten
What, sir? You have the effrontery, the insolence—
Torrington
What, sir—have you the audacity, the impudence—
McNaughten
To say that I received sixty thousand pounds for you.
Torrington
The boldness to deny it?
McNaughten
There, I confess it—an abominable man!
Torrington
There, I swear it to you—a detestable cheat.
Hastings Hey, gentlemen, gentlemen, easy. I am ashamed for you, and I don't know which of you to believe.
Flavella
Sir, this gentleman might indeed have a heart dark enough to—
Urania
Yes, he's a rogue who glories in crime.
Jenny
Sue him, and if there's a need I will be a witness against him.
(Enter Spruce)
Spruce
Hey, what's going on here? Here's a big squabble.
McNaughten
Let this man judge of our difference. He's hardly left me all day. I
call him as witness. Let him speak.
(To Spruce)
Did I receive money today from this gentleman?
Spruce Without a doubt. Sixty thousand pounds that your uncle left you in negotiable instruments.
McNaughten (taking Spruce by the throat)
Ah, false witness, miserable imposter—you must remember—
Spruce Yes, I remember that the sixty thousand pounds was given to a man dressed like you, of the same proud bearing, a man who intends to marry this gentleman's daughter, a man who is called McNaughten, and is from Scotland. And, if you deny it, it's a lie, and I'll take my oath—
Torrington
See, if it's possible, to have a blacker heart, to be more of a cheat.
Alas, what are you marrying him for? I've gotten you into a pleasant
business.
Hastings I took this gentleman for a man of substance— Now, I don't value him at all.
Urania After what he has done to me, there is no crime, no evil, that he wouldn't perpetrate.
Jenny Traitor, finally, you're caught, and there's nothing for you to do but go hang yourself. I'll be happy to supply the rope.
McNaughten No, I don't believe that Hell itself is capable, in its execrable rage, so many men, so many evil demons, as you all. Ah, I cannot speak, I am so enraged.
(Enter the Captain)
Captain I believe my presence is required to get to the bottom of this astonishing mystery.
Hastings
What in the world do I see?
Torrington
What prodigy is this?
Urania
Ought I to believe my eyes?
Jenny Madame, I don't know if my vision is troubled, or if it's some vapor, that is making me see double.
McNaughten
What object presents itself and makes me see myself, as in a mirror.
Why, it's my walking portrait, or a reflection.
Captain
How dare you take my name and appearance, sir, as your own? I am
Captain McNaughten, and you are injuring my reputation.
McNaughten (aside)
On my oath, this is another cheat.
(Aloud)
By what right, sir, do you steal my name? I don't go around taking
yours.
Captain
I've had no other name from birth.
McNaughten
My father gave me this name.
Captain
Mine has been the same all my life.
McNaughten
In giving birth to me, my mother died.
Captain
Mine died, also—in the same manner.
McNaughten
I am from Scotland.
Captain
I, too, am from Scotland.
McNaughten I had a certain brother, a bad scapegrace, and I haven't heard news of him in fifteen years.
Captain I had a brother, too. A pious, churchgoing hypocrite. I've ignored his fortunes for fifteen years.
McNaughten This brother was my identical twin, and resembled me in everything except piety.
Captain Mine was my spitten image. Who sees him, sees me. But usually not in the same places.
McNaughten
Are you not this brother?
Captain
You've said it. There's the explanation of the mystery.
McNaughten
Is it possible? Oh, Heavens.
Captain May this confession witness my joy and happiness. My brother, it is indeed me. What a happy encounter. Has fortune brought you to my sight?
McNaughten Brother, there has been much to rejoice me this day. But, I rather counted on your being dead.
Jenny All this has nothing to do with us, Madame. Be sure of it, we are going to get one or the other, no matter what happens.
Hastings
What we are witnessing is certainly unusual.
(To Flavella)
You must have one of these two for a husband. Choose the one you like,
dear, and make me happy.
Flavella (recognizing the mark in the Captain's hat)
Rather than pick and choose, I'll have this gentleman, and take my
chances.
(Aside)
I hope they didn't switch hats.
Urania
And me, I'll take this one. (grabbing McNaughten)
McNaughten
To listen to you, you have only to kiss and choose as you please!
Spruce
While each lady takes the one to her taste, by right of windfall,
Jenny belongs to me.
Hastings (to the Captain) Accept my daughter. Although it is pure fate that puts you in my family, I wanted a McNaughten in the family and my plans are unchanged.
Captain In the excess of happiness my destiny has sent me, my heart is unable to contain its joy.
Spruce Jenny, everybody is thinking about marrying— Let's do it, too—so as not to be disagreeable by being different.
Jenny
If you hadn't lied so much, I wouldn't mind.
Spruce
I did it for your own good.
Jenny
But I am afraid—
Spruce
What are you afraid of?
Jenny
Of making a crazy mistake.
Spruce
I will be making a mistake a hundred times greater than yours if I let
you escape. (hugging her to him. She fends him off for a minute, then
submits slyly)
(To the spectators)
Ladies and Gentlemen, as you see, I've succeeded in pulling off the
marriage I prepared. I am going to bind my head in victory laurels. If
I have merited your applause, you will complete my happiness. (bowing)
CURTAIN
End of Project Gutenberg's The McNaughtens, by Jean-Francois Regnard