The Merry Wives of Windsor

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The Merry Wives of Windsor

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1601

THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR

by William Shakespeare

Dramatis Personae

  SIR JOHN FALSTAFF
  FENTON, a young gentleman
  SHALLOW, a country justice
  SLENDER, cousin to Shallow

    Gentlemen of Windsor
  FORD
  PAGE
  WILLIAM PAGE, a boy, son to Page
  SIR HUGH EVANS, a Welsh parson
  DOCTOR CAIUS, a French physician
  HOST of the Garter Inn

    Followers of Falstaff
  BARDOLPH
  PISTOL
  NYM
  ROBIN, page to Falstaff
  SIMPLE, servant to Slender
  RUGBY, servant to Doctor Caius

  MISTRESS FORD
  MISTRESS PAGE
  MISTRESS ANNE PAGE, her daughter
  MISTRESS QUICKLY, servant to Doctor Caius
  SERVANTS to Page, Ford, etc.

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SCENE: Windsor, and the neighbourhood

The Merry Wives of Windsor

ACT I. SCENE 1.

Windsor. Before PAGE'S house

Enter JUSTICE SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS

  SHALLOW. Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star
    Chamber matter of it; if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs,
    he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
  SLENDER. In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace, and
    Coram.
  SHALLOW. Ay, cousin Slender, and Custalorum.
  SLENDER. Ay, and Ratolorum too; and a gentleman born,
    Master Parson, who writes himself 'Armigero' in any bill,
    warrant, quittance, or obligation-'Armigero.'
  SHALLOW. Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three
    hundred years.
  SLENDER. All his successors, gone before him, hath done't;
    and all his ancestors, that come after him, may: they may
    give the dozen white luces in their coat.
  SHALLOW. It is an old coat.
  EVANS. The dozen white louses do become an old coat well;
    it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and
    signifies love.
  SHALLOW. The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old
    coat.
  SLENDER. I may quarter, coz.
  SHALLOW. You may, by marrying.
  EVANS. It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
  SHALLOW. Not a whit.
  EVANS. Yes, py'r lady! If he has a quarter of your coat, there
    is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures;
    but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed
    disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be
    glad to do my benevolence, to make atonements and
    compremises between you.
  SHALLOW. The Council shall hear it; it is a riot.
  EVANS. It is not meet the Council hear a riot; there is no
    fear of Got in a riot; the Council, look you, shall desire
    to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot; take your
    vizaments in that.
  SHALLOW. Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword
    should end it.
  EVANS. It is petter that friends is the sword and end it;
    and there is also another device in my prain, which
    peradventure prings goot discretions with it. There is Anne
    Page, which is daughter to Master George Page, which is
    pretty virginity.
  SLENDER. Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and
    speaks small like a woman.
  EVANS. It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as you
    will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and
    gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon his death's-bed-Got
    deliver to a joyful resurrections!-give, when she is able to
    overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion if we
    leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage
    between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
  SHALLOW. Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?
  EVANS. Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
  SHALLOW. I know the young gentlewoman; she has good
    gifts.
  EVANS. Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is goot gifts.
  SHALLOW. Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff
    there?
  EVANS. Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do
    despise one that is false; or as I despise one that is not
    true. The knight Sir John is there; and, I beseech you, be
    ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master
    Page.
    [Knocks] What, hoa! Got pless your house here!
  PAGE. [Within] Who's there?

Enter PAGE

  EVANS. Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice
  Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that peradventures
    shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your
    likings.
  PAGE. I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for
    my venison, Master Shallow.
  SHALLOW. Master Page, I am glad to see you; much good do
    it your good heart! I wish'd your venison better; it was ill
    kill'd. How doth good Mistress Page?-and I thank you
    always with my heart, la! with my heart.
  PAGE. Sir, I thank you.
  SHALLOW. Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
  PAGE. I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
  SLENDER. How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say
    he was outrun on Cotsall.
  PAGE. It could not be judg'd, sir.
  SLENDER. You'll not confess, you'll not confess.
  SHALLOW. That he will not. 'Tis your fault; 'tis your fault;
    'tis a good dog.
  PAGE. A cur, sir.
  SHALLOW. Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog. Can there be
    more said? He is good, and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?
  PAGE. Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office
    between you.
  EVANS. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
  SHALLOW. He hath wrong'd me, Master Page.
  PAGE. Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
  SHALLOW. If it be confessed, it is not redressed; is not that
    so, Master Page? He hath wrong'd me; indeed he hath; at a
    word, he hath, believe me; Robert Shallow, esquire, saith
    he is wronged.
  PAGE. Here comes Sir John.

Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL

  FALSTAFF. Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to
    the King?
  SHALLOW. Knight, you have beaten my men, kill'd my deer,
    and broke open my lodge.
  FALSTAFF. But not kiss'd your keeper's daughter.
  SHALLOW. Tut, a pin! this shall be answer'd.
  FALSTAFF. I will answer it straight: I have done all this.
    That is now answer'd.
  SHALLOW. The Council shall know this.
  FALSTAFF. 'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel:
    you'll be laugh'd at.
  EVANS. Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.
  FALSTAFF. Good worts! good cabbage! Slender, I broke your
    head; what matter have you against me?
  SLENDER. Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you;
    and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym,
    and Pistol. They carried me to the tavern, and made me
    drunk, and afterwards pick'd my pocket.
  BARDOLPH. You Banbury cheese!
  SLENDER. Ay, it is no matter.
  PISTOL. How now, Mephostophilus!
  SLENDER. Ay, it is no matter.
  NYM. Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! That's my humour.
  SLENDER. Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
  EVANS. Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is
    three umpires in this matter, as I understand: that is,
    Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself,
    fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and
    finally, mine host of the Garter.
  PAGE. We three to hear it and end it between them.
  EVANS. Fery goot. I will make a prief of it in my note-book;
    and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great
    discreetly as we can.
  FALSTAFF. Pistol!
  PISTOL. He hears with ears.
  EVANS. The tevil and his tam! What phrase is this, 'He hears
    with ear'? Why, it is affectations.
  FALSTAFF. Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?
  SLENDER. Ay, by these gloves, did he-or I would I might
    never come in mine own great chamber again else!-of
    seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward
    shovel-boards that cost me two shilling and two pence apiece
    of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
  FALSTAFF. Is this true, Pistol?
  EVANS. No, it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
  PISTOL. Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and master
    mine,
    I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.
    Word of denial in thy labras here!
    Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest.
  SLENDER. By these gloves, then, 'twas he.
  NYM. Be avis'd, sir, and pass good humours; I will say
    'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's humour on
    me; that is the very note of it.
  SLENDER. By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for
    though I cannot remember what I did when you made me
    drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
  FALSTAFF. What say you, Scarlet and John?
  BARDOLPH. Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had
    drunk himself out of his five sentences.
  EVANS. It is his five senses; fie, what the ignorance is!
  BARDOLPH. And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier'd;
    and so conclusions pass'd the careers.
  SLENDER. Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no matter;
    I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest,
    civil, godly company, for this trick. If I be drunk, I'll be
    drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with
    drunken knaves.
  EVANS. So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
  FALSTAFF. You hear all these matters deni'd, gentlemen; you
    hear it.

          Enter MISTRESS ANNE PAGE with wine; MISTRESS
               FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following

  PAGE. Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.
                                                  Exit ANNE PAGE
  SLENDER. O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.
  PAGE. How now, Mistress Ford!
  FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well
    met; by your leave, good mistress. [Kisses her]
  PAGE. Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a
    hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen, I hope we
    shall drink down all unkindness.
                      Exeunt all but SHALLOW, SLENDER, and EVANS
  SLENDER. I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of
    Songs and Sonnets here.

Enter SIMPLE

    How, Simple! Where have you been? I must wait on
    myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you,
    have you?
  SIMPLE. Book of Riddles! Why, did you not lend it to Alice
    Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore
    Michaelmas?
  SHALLOW. Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word
    with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a
    tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do
    you understand me?
  SLENDER. Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I
    shall do that that is reason.
  SHALLOW. Nay, but understand me.
  SLENDER. So I do, sir.
  EVANS. Give ear to his motions: Master Slender, I will
    description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
  SLENDER. Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says; I pray
    you pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his country,
    simple though I stand here.
  EVANS. But that is not the question. The question is
    concerning your marriage.
  SHALLOW. Ay, there's the point, sir.
  EVANS. Marry is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne
    Page.
  SLENDER. Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any
    reasonable demands.
  EVANS. But can you affection the oman? Let us command to
    know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers
philosophers
    hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth. Therefore,
    precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid?
  SHALLOW. Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
  SLENDER. I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that
    would do reason.
  EVANS. Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak
possitable,
    if you can carry her your desires towards her.
  SHALLOW. That you must. Will you, upon good dowry,
    marry her?
  SLENDER. I will do a greater thing than that upon your request,
    cousin, in any reason.
  SHALLOW. Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; what
    I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?
  SLENDER. I will marry her, sir, at your request; but if there
    be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease
    it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and
    have more occasion to know one another. I hope upon
    familiarity will grow more contempt. But if you say
    'marry her,' I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved,
    and dissolutely.
  EVANS. It is a fery discretion answer, save the fall is in the
    ord 'dissolutely': the ort is, according to our meaning,
    'resolutely'; his meaning is good.
  SHALLOW. Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
  SLENDER. Ay, or else I would I might be hang'd, la!

Re-enter ANNE PAGE

  SHALLOW. Here comes fair Mistress Anne. Would I were
    young for your sake, Mistress Anne!
  ANNE. The dinner is on the table; my father desires your
    worships' company.
  SHALLOW. I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne!
  EVANS. Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.
                                        Exeunt SHALLOW and EVANS
  ANNE. Will't please your worship to come in, sir?
  SLENDER. No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very
    well.
  ANNE. The dinner attends you, sir.
  SLENDER. I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go,
    sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin
  Shallow. [Exit SIMPLE] A justice of peace sometime may
    be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men
    and a boy yet, till my mother be dead. But what though?
    Yet I live like a poor gentleman born.
  ANNE. I may not go in without your worship; they will not
    sit till you come.
  SLENDER. I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as
    though I did.
  ANNE. I pray you, sir, walk in.
  SLENDER. I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruis'd my
    shin th' other day with playing at sword and dagger with
    a master of fence-three veneys for a dish of stew'd prunes
    -and, I with my ward defending my head, he hot my shin,
    and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat
    since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i' th'
    town?
  ANNE. I think there are, sir; I heard them talk'd of.
  SLENDER. I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at
    it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the
    bear loose, are you not?
  ANNE. Ay, indeed, sir.
  SLENDER. That's meat and drink to me now. I have seen
    Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the
    chain; but I warrant you, the women have so cried and
    shriek'd at it that it pass'd; but women, indeed, cannot
    abide 'em; they are very ill-favour'd rough things.

Re-enter PAGE

  PAGE. Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.
  SLENDER. I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
  PAGE. By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! Come,
    come.
  SLENDER. Nay, pray you lead the way.
  PAGE. Come on, sir.
  SLENDER. Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
  ANNE. Not I, sir; pray you keep on.
  SLENDER. Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do
    you that wrong.
  ANNE. I pray you, sir.
  SLENDER. I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You
    do yourself wrong indeed, la! Exeunt

SCENE 2.

Before PAGE'S house

Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE

  EVANS. Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house which
    is the way; and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which
    is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook,
    or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer.
  SIMPLE. Well, sir.
  EVANS. Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a
    oman that altogether's acquaintance with Mistress Anne
    Page; and the letter is to desire and require her to solicit
    your master's desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray you
    be gone. I will make an end of my dinner; there's pippins
    and cheese to come. Exeunt

SCENE 3.

The Garter Inn

Enter FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN

  FALSTAFF. Mine host of the Garter!
  HOST. What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and
    wisely.
  FALSTAFF. Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my
    followers.
  HOST. Discard, bully Hercules; cashier; let them wag; trot,
    trot.
  FALSTAFF. I sit at ten pounds a week.
  HOST. Thou'rt an emperor-Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I
    will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap; said I
    well, bully Hector?
  FALSTAFF. Do so, good mine host.
  HOST. I have spoke; let him follow. [To BARDOLPH] Let me
    see thee froth and lime. I am at a word; follow. Exit HOST
  FALSTAFF. Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade;
    an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a wither'd serving-man a
    fresh tapster. Go; adieu.
  BARDOLPH. It is a life that I have desir'd; I will thrive.
  PISTOL. O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot
    wield? Exit BARDOLPH
  NYM. He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited?
  FALSTAFF. I am glad I am so acquit of this tinder-box: his
    thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful
    singer-he kept not time.
  NYM. The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest.
  PISTOL. 'Convey' the wise it call. 'Steal' foh! A fico for the
    phrase!
  FALSTAFF. Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
  PISTOL. Why, then, let kibes ensue.
  FALSTAFF. There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must
    shift.
  PISTOL. Young ravens must have food.
  FALSTAFF. Which of you know Ford of this town?
  PISTOL. I ken the wight; he is of substance good.
  FALSTAFF. My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
  PISTOL. Two yards, and more.
  FALSTAFF. No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist
    two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about
    thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's wife; I
    spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she
    gives the leer of invitation; I can construe the action of
her
    familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be
    English'd rightly, is 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'
    PISTOL. He hath studied her well, and translated her will out
    of honesty into English.
  NYM. The anchor is deep; will that humour pass?
  FALSTAFF. Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her
    husband's purse; he hath a legion of angels.
  PISTOL. As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.
  NYM. The humour rises; it is good; humour me the angels.
  FALSTAFF. I have writ me here a letter to her; and here
    another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good eyes
    too, examin'd my parts with most judicious oeillades;
    sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my
    portly belly.
  PISTOL. Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
  NYM. I thank thee for that humour.
  FALSTAFF. O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such
    a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye did seem to
    scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's another letter to
    her. She bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all
    gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they
    shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
    Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear thou this
    letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford. We
    will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
  PISTOL. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
    And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!
  NYM. I will run no base humour. Here, take the
    humour-letter; I will keep the haviour of reputation.
  FALSTAFF. [To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah; bear you these letters
    tightly;
    Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
    Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
    Trudge, plod away i' th' hoof; seek shelter, pack!
    Falstaff will learn the humour of the age;
    French thrift, you rogues; myself, and skirted page.
                                       Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN
  PISTOL. Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam
    holds,
    And high and low beguiles the rich and poor;
    Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
    Base Phrygian Turk!
  NYM. I have operations in my head which be humours of
    revenge.
  PISTOL. Wilt thou revenge?
  NYM. By welkin and her star!
  PISTOL. With wit or steel?
  NYM. With both the humours, I.
    I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
  PISTOL. And I to Ford shall eke unfold
    How Falstaff, varlet vile,
    His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
    And his soft couch defile.
  NYM. My humour shall not cool; I will incense Page to deal
    with poison; I will possess him with yellowness; for the
    revolt of mine is dangerous. That is my true humour.
  PISTOL. Thou art the Mars of malcontents; I second thee;
    troop on. Exeunt

SCENE 4.

DOCTOR CAIUS'S house

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY

  QUICKLY. What, John Rugby! I pray thee go to the casement
    and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor
    Caius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find anybody in the
    house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience and
    the King's English.
  RUGBY. I'll go watch.
  QUICKLY. Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in
    faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire. [Exit RUGBY]
An
    honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in
    house withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no
    breed-bate; his worst fault is that he is given to prayer; he
is
    something peevish that way; but nobody but has his fault;
    but let that pass. Peter Simple you say your name is?
  SIMPLE. Ay, for fault of a better.
  QUICKLY. And Master Slender's your master?
  SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth.
  QUICKLY. Does he not wear a great round beard, like a
    glover's paring-knife?
  SIMPLE. No, forsooth; he hath but a little whey face, with a
    little yellow beard, a Cain-colour'd beard.
  QUICKLY. A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
  SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his hands as
    any is between this and his head; he hath fought with a
    warrener.
  QUICKLY. How say you? O, I should remember him. Does
    he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?
  SIMPLE. Yes, indeed, does he.
  QUICKLY. Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune!
    Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your
    master. Anne is a good girl, and I wish-

Re-enter RUGBY

  RUGBY. Out, alas! here comes my master.
  QUICKLY. We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young
    man; go into this closet. [Shuts SIMPLE in the closet] He
    will not stay long. What, John Rugby! John! what, John,
    I say! Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt he be
    not well that he comes not home. [Singing]
    And down, down, adown-a, etc.

Enter DOCTOR CAIUS

  CAIUS. Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you, go
    and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert-a box, a green-a
    box. Do intend vat I speak? A green-a box.
  QUICKLY. Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you. [Aside] I am glad
    he went not in himself; if he had found the young man,
    he would have been horn-mad.
  CAIUS. Fe, fe, fe fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m'en vais
a
    la cour-la grande affaire.
  QUICKLY. Is it this, sir?
  CAIUS. Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere
    is dat knave, Rugby?
  QUICKLY. What, John Rugby? John!
  RUGBY. Here, sir.
  CAIUS. You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby.
    Come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the
    court.
  RUGBY. 'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
    CAIUS. By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me! Qu'ai j'oublie?
    Dere is some simples in my closet dat I vill not for the
    varld I shall leave behind.
  QUICKLY. Ay me, he'll find the young man there, and be
    mad!
  CAIUS. O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villainy! larron!
    [Pulling SIMPLE out] Rugby, my rapier!
  QUICKLY. Good master, be content.
  CAIUS. Wherefore shall I be content-a?
  QUICKLY. The young man is an honest man.
  CAIUS. What shall de honest man do in my closet? Dere is
    no honest man dat shall come in my closet.
  QUICKLY. I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic; hear the
    truth of it. He came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.
  CAIUS. Vell?
  SIMPLE. Ay, forsooth, to desire her to-
  QUICKLY. Peace, I pray you.
  CAIUS. Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.
  SIMPLE. To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to
    speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master,
    in the way of marriage.
  QUICKLY. This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put my finger
    in the fire, and need not.
  CAIUS. Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baillez me some paper.
    Tarry you a little-a-while. [Writes]
  QUICKLY. [Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet; if he
    had been throughly moved, you should have heard him
    so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I'll
    do you your master what good I can; and the very yea and
    the no is, the French doctor, my master-I may call him
    my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash,
    wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the
    beds, and do all myself-
  SIMPLE. [Aside to QUICKLY] 'Tis a great charge to come
    under one body's hand.
  QUICKLY. [Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avis'd o' that? You
    shall find it a great charge; and to be up early and down
    late; but notwithstanding-to tell you in your ear, I would
    have no words of it-my master himself is in love with
    Mistress Anne Page; but notwithstanding that, I know
    Anne's mind-that's neither here nor there.
  CAIUS. You jack'nape; give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by gar,
    it is a shallenge; I will cut his troat in de park; and I
will
    teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make. You
    may be gone; it is not good you tarry here. By gar, I will
    cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone
    to throw at his dog. Exit SIMPLE
  QUICKLY. Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
  CAIUS. It is no matter-a ver dat. Do not you tell-a me dat I
    shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack
    priest; and I have appointed mine host of de Jarteer to
    measure our weapon. By gar, I will myself have Anne
    Page.
  QUICKLY. Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We
    must give folks leave to prate. What the good-year!
  CAIUS. Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have
    not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door.
    Follow my heels, Rugby. Exeunt CAIUS and RUGBY
  QUICKLY. You shall have-An fool's-head of your own. No,
    I know Anne's mind for that; never a woman in Windsor
    knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do more
    than I do with her, I thank heaven.
  FENTON. [Within] Who's within there? ho!
  QUICKLY. Who's there, I trow? Come near the house, I pray
    you.

Enter FENTON

  FENTON. How now, good woman, how dost thou?
  QUICKLY. The better that it pleases your good worship to
    ask.
  FENTON. What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne?
  QUICKLY. In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and
    gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by
    the way; I praise heaven for it.
  FENTON. Shall I do any good, think'st thou? Shall I not lose
    my suit?
  QUICKLY. Troth, sir, all is in His hands above; but
    notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book
    she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye?
  FENTON. Yes, marry, have I; what of that?
  QUICKLY. Well, thereby hangs a tale; good faith, it is such
    another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever broke
    bread. We had an hour's talk of that wart; I shall never
    laugh but in that maid's company! But, indeed, she is
    given too much to allicholy and musing; but for you-well,
    go to.
  FENTON. Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money
    for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf. If thou seest
    her before me, commend me.
  QUICKLY. Will I? I' faith, that we will; and I will tell your
    worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence;
    and of other wooers.
  FENTON. Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.
  QUICKLY. Farewell to your worship. [Exit FENTON] Truly,
    an honest gentleman; but Anne loves him not; for I know
    Anne's mind as well as another does. Out upon 't, what
    have I forgot? Exit

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ACT II. SCENE 1.

Before PAGE'S house

Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter

  MRS. PAGE. What! have I scap'd love-letters in the holiday-time
    of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let
    me see. [Reads]
    'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use
    Reason for his precisian, he admits him not for his
counsellor.
    You are not young, no more am I; go to, then, there's
    sympathy. You are merry, so am I; ha! ha! then there's
    more sympathy. You love sack, and so do I; would you
    desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page
    at the least, if the love of soldier can suffice-that I love
    thee. I will not say, Pity me: 'tis not a soldier-like
phrase;
    but I say, Love me. By me,
    Thine own true knight,
    By day or night,
    Or any kind of light,
    With all his might,
    For thee to fight,
    JOHN FALSTAFF.'
    What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked world!
    One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show
    himself a young gallant! What an unweighed behaviour
    hath this Flemish drunkard pick'd-with the devil's name!
    -out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner
    assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company!
    What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth.
    Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament
    for the putting down of men. How shall I be
    reveng'd on him? for reveng'd I will be, as sure as his guts
    are made of puddings.

Enter MISTRESS FORD

  MRS. FORD. Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your
    house.
  MRS. PAGE. And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look
    very ill.
  MRS. FORD. Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to
    the contrary.
  MRS. PAGE. Faith, but you do, in my mind.
  MRS. FORD. Well, I do, then; yet, I say, I could show you to
    the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel.
  MRS. PAGE. What's the matter, woman?
  MRS. FORD. O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect,
    I could come to such honour!
  MRS. PAGE. Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour. What
    is it? Dispense with trifles; what is it?
  MRS. FORD. If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment
    or so, I could be knighted.
  MRS. PAGE. What? Thou liest. Sir Alice Ford! These knights
    will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy
    gentry.
  MRS. FORD. We burn daylight. Here, read, read; perceive
    how I might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat
    men as long as I have an eye to make difference of men's
    liking. And yet he would not swear; prais'd women's
    modesty, and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof
    to all uncomeliness that I would have sworn his disposition
    would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no
    more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth
    Psalm to the tune of 'Greensleeves.' What tempest, I trow,
    threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly,
    ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I
    think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till
    the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease.
    Did you ever hear the like?
  MRS. PAGE. Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and
    Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill
    opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy letter; but let
thine
    inherit first, for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he
    hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for
    different names-sure, more!-and these are of the second
    edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not
    what he puts into the press when he would put us two. I
    had rather be a giantess and lie under Mount Pelion. Well,
    I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste
    man.
  MRS. FORD. Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the
    very words. What doth he think of us?
  MRS. PAGE. Nay, I know not; it makes me almost ready to
    wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain myself like
    one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he
    know some strain in me that I know not myself, he would
    never have boarded me in this fury.
  MRS. FORD. 'Boarding' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him
    above deck.
  MRS. PAGE. So will I; if he come under my hatches, I'll never
    to sea again. Let's be reveng'd on him; let's appoint him a
    meeting, give him a show of comfort in his suit, and lead
    him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawn'd his
    horses to mine host of the Garter.
  MRS. FORD. Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against
    him that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O
    that my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal food
    to his jealousy.
  MRS. PAGE. Why, look where he comes; and my good man
    too; he's as far from jealousy as I am from giving him
    cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance.
  MRS. FORD. You are the happier woman.
  MRS. PAGE. Let's consult together against this greasy knight.
    Come hither. [They retire]

Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with Nym

  FORD. Well, I hope it be not so.
  PISTOL. Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs.
    Sir John affects thy wife.
  FORD. Why, sir, my wife is not young.
  PISTOL. He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,
    Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
    He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend.
  FORD. Love my wife!
  PISTOL. With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,
    Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels.
    O, odious is the name!
  FORD. What name, sir?
  PISTOL. The horn, I say. Farewell.
    Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night;
    Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do sing.
    Away, Sir Corporal Nym.
    Believe it, Page; he speaks sense. Exit PISTOL
  FORD. [Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.
  NYM. [To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humour of
    lying. He hath wronged me in some humours; I should
    have borne the humour'd letter to her; but I have a sword,
    and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife;
    there's the short and the long.
    My name is Corporal Nym; I speak, and I avouch;
    'Tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife.
    Adieu! I love not the humour of bread and cheese; and
    there's the humour of it. Adieu. Exit Nym
  PAGE. 'The humour of it,' quoth 'a! Here's a fellow frights
    English out of his wits.
  FORD. I will seek out Falstaff.
  PAGE. I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
  FORD. If I do find it-well.
  PAGE. I will not believe such a Cataian though the priest o'
    th' town commended him for a true man.
  FORD. 'Twas a good sensible fellow. Well.

MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward

  PAGE. How now, Meg!
  MRS. PAGE. Whither go you, George? Hark you.
  MRS. FORD. How now, sweet Frank, why art thou melancholy?
  FORD. I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home;
    go.
  MRS. FORD. Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now.
    Will you go, Mistress Page?

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

  MRS. PAGE. Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George?
    [Aside to MRS. FORD] Look who comes yonder; she shall
    be our messenger to this paltry knight.
  MRS. FORD. [Aside to MRS. PAGE] Trust me, I thought on
    her; she'll fit it.
  MRS. PAGE. You are come to see my daughter Anne?
  QUICKLY. Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress
Anne?
  MRS. PAGE. Go in with us and see; we have an hour's talk
    with you. Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and
                                                MISTRESS QUICKLY
  PAGE. How now, Master Ford!
  FORD. You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
  PAGE. Yes; and you heard what the other told me?
  FORD. Do you think there is truth in them?
  PAGE. Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer
it;
    but these that accuse him in his intent towards our
    wives are a yoke of his discarded men; very rogues, now
    they be out of service.
  FORD. Were they his men?
  PAGE. Marry, were they.
  FORD. I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the
    Garter?
  PAGE. Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage
    toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what
    he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head.
  FORD. I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to
    turn them together. A man may be too confident. I would
    have nothing lie on my head. I cannot be thus satisfied.

Enter HOST

  PAGE. Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes.
    There is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse
    when he looks so merrily. How now, mine host!
  HOST. How now, bully rook! Thou'rt a gentleman. [To
    SHALLOW following] Cavaleiro Justice, I say.

Enter SHALLOW

  SHALLOW. I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and
    twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go with
    us? We have sport in hand.
  HOST. Tell him, Cavaleiro Justice; tell him, bully rook.
  SHALLOW. Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh
    the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
  FORD. Good mine host o' th' Garter, a word with you.
  HOST. What say'st thou, my bully rook? [They go aside]
  SHALLOW. [To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? My
    merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and,
    I think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe
    me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you
    what our sport shall be. [They converse apart]
  HOST. Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaleiro.
  FORD. None, I protest; but I'll give you a pottle of burnt
    sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him my name is
    Brook-only for a jest.
  HOST. My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress-
    said I well?-and thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry
    knight. Will you go, Mynheers?
  SHALLOW. Have with you, mine host.
  PAGE. I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his
    rapier.
  SHALLOW. Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these
    times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and
    I know not what. 'Tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis here,
    'tis here. I have seen the time with my long sword I would
    have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
  HOST. Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag?
  PAGE. Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than
    fight. Exeunt all but FORD
  FORD. Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on
    his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so
    easily. She was in his company at Page's house, and what
    they made there I know not. Well, I will look further into
    't, and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her
    honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis
labour
    well bestowed. Exit

SCENE 2.

A room in the Garter Inn

Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL

  FALSTAFF. I will not lend thee a penny.
  PISTOL. I will retort the sum in equipage.
  FALSTAFF. Not a penny.
  PISTOL. Why, then the world's mine oyster. Which I with
    sword will open.
  FALSTAFF. Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should
    lay my countenance to pawn. I have grated upon my good
    friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow,
    Nym; or else you had look'd through the grate, like a
    geminy of baboons. I am damn'd in hell for swearing to
    gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows;
    and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan,
    I took 't upon mine honour thou hadst it not.
  PISTOL. Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?
  FALSTAFF. Reason, you rogue, reason. Think'st thou I'll
    endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me,
    I am no gibbet for you. Go-a short knife and a throng!-
    to your manor of Pickt-hatch; go. You'll not bear a letter
    for me, you rogue! You stand upon your honour! Why,
    thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to
    keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself
    sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand, and
hiding
    mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge,
    and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags,
    your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and
    your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour!
    You will not do it, you!
  PISTOL. I do relent; what would thou more of man?

Enter ROBIN

  ROBIN. Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
  FALSTAFF. Let her approach.

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

  QUICKLY. Give your worship good morrow.
  FALSTAFF. Good morrow, good wife.
  QUICKLY. Not so, an't please your worship.
  FALSTAFF. Good maid, then.
  QUICKLY. I'll be sworn;
    As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
  FALSTAFF. I do believe the swearer. What with me?
  QUICKLY. Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
  FALSTAFF. Two thousand, fair woman; and I'll vouchsafe
    thee the hearing.
  QUICKLY. There is one Mistress Ford, sir-I pray, come a little
    nearer this ways. I myself dwell with Master Doctor
    Caius.
  FALSTAFF. Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say-
  QUICKLY. Your worship says very true. I pray your worship
    come a little nearer this ways.
  FALSTAFF. I warrant thee nobody hears-mine own people,
    mine own people.
  QUICKLY. Are they so? God bless them, and make them his
    servants!
  FALSTAFF. Well; Mistress Ford, what of her?
  QUICKLY. Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, Lord, your
    worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you, and all of
    us, I pray.
  FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford-
  QUICKLY. Marry, this is the short and the long of it: you
    have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis wonderful.
    The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor,
    could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet
    there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with
    their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after
    letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and
so
    rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such
alligant
    terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the
    fairest, that would have won any woman's heart; and I
    warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her.
    I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I
    defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the
    way of honesty; and, I warrant you, they could never get
    her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all;
    and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more,
    pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
  FALSTAFF. But what says she to me? Be brief, my good she-
    Mercury.
  QUICKLY. Marry, she hath receiv'd your letter; for the
    which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you
    to notify that her husband will be absence from his house
    between ten and eleven.
  FALSTAFF. Ten and eleven?
  QUICKLY. Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see
    the picture, she says, that you wot of. Master Ford, her
    husband, will be from home. Alas, the sweet woman leads
    an ill life with him! He's a very jealousy man; she leads a
    very frampold life with him, good heart.
  FALSTAFF. Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I
    will not fail her.
  QUICKLY. Why, you say well. But I have another messenger
    to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations
    to you too; and let me tell you in your ear, she's as
    fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will
    not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in
    Windsor, whoe'er be the other; and she bade me tell your
    worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she
    hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so
    dote upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la! Yes,
    in truth.
  FALSTAFF. Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my
    good parts aside, I have no other charms.
  QUICKLY. Blessing on your heart for 't!
  FALSTAFF. But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and
    Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?
  QUICKLY. That were a jest indeed! They have not so little
    grace, I hope-that were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page
    would desire you to send her your little page of all loves.
    Her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page;
    and truly Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
    Windsor leads a better life than she does; do what she will,
    say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she
    list, rise when she list, all is as she will; and truly she
    deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she
    is one. You must send her your page; no remedy.
  FALSTAFF. Why, I will.
  QUICKLY. Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may come
    and go between you both; and in any case have a
    nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and the boy
    never need to understand any thing; for 'tis not good that
    children should know any wickedness. Old folks, you
    know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world.
  FALSTAFF. Fare thee well; commend me to them both.
    There's my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with
    this woman. [Exeunt QUICKLY and ROBIN] This news
    distracts me.
  PISTOL. [Aside] This punk is one of Cupid's carriers;
    Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights;
    Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! Exit
  FALSTAFF. Say'st thou so, old Jack; go thy ways; I'll make
    more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look
    after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money,
    be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say
    'tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.

Enter BARDOLPH

  BARDOLPH. Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would
    fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath
    sent your worship a moming's draught of sack.
  FALSTAFF. Brook is his name?
  BARDOLPH. Ay, sir.
  FALSTAFF. Call him in. [Exit BARDOLPH] Such Brooks are
    welcome to me, that o'erflows such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress
    Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompass'd you? Go to;
    via!

Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised

FORD. Bless you, sir! FALSTAFF. And you, sir! Would you speak with me? FORD. I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you. FALSTAFF. You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer. Exit BARDOLPH FORD. Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook. FALSTAFF. Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you. FORD. Good Sir John, I sue for yours-not to charge you; for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are; the which hath something embold'ned me to this unseason'd intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open. FALSTAFF. Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. FORD. Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me; if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage. FALSTAFF. Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter. FORD. I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing. FALSTAFF. Speak, good Master Brook; I shall be glad to be your servant. FORD. Sir, I hear you are a scholar-I will be brief with you -and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means as desire to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection; but, good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy is it to be such an offender. FALSTAFF. Very well, sir; proceed. FORD. There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband's name is Ford. FALSTAFF. Well, sir. FORD. I have long lov'd her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting observance; engross'd opportunities to meet her; fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many to know what she would have given; briefly, I have pursu'd her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received none, unless experience be a jewel; that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this: 'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues; Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.' FALSTAFF. Have you receiv'd no promise of satisfaction at her hands? FORD. Never. FALSTAFF. Have you importun'd her to such a purpose? FORD. Never. FALSTAFF. Of what quality was your love, then? FORD. Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where erected it. FALSTAFF. To what purpose have you unfolded this to me? FORD. When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say that though she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allow'd for your many war-like, courtlike, and learned preparations. FALSTAFF. O, sir! FORD. Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife; use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you; if any man may, you may as soon as any. FALSTAFF. Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously. FORD. O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour that the folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too bright to be look'd against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves; I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage vow, and a thousand other her defences, which now are too too strongly embattl'd against me. What say you to't, Sir John? FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife. FORD. O good sir! FALSTAFF. I say you shall. FORD. Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none. FALSTAFF. Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in to me her assistant, or go-between, parted from me; I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave, her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed. FORD. I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, Sir? FALSTAFF. Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not; yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favour'd. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer; and there's my harvest-home. FORD. I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him. FALSTAFF. Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night. Exit FORD. What a damn'd Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him; the hour is fix'd; the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abus'd, my coffers ransack'd, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villainous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils' additions, the names of fiends. But cuckold! Wittol! Cuckold! the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust his wife; he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself. Then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. God be prais'd for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be reveng'd on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold! Exit