"A gentleman did put some money up on a margin for me once and then when he got trimmed he came to me for a check and I had to go into hysterics before I could get rid of him.
"The conceited yen some of these boobs have in thinking that a fluff has nothing else to do but sit in some cafe and hold hands until daylight.
"I am trying to get the Chorus Girls' Union to get together and pass a law charging so much for our time, just like a taxicab. Don't you think that would be a good idea? Lots of times the supper ain't worth the time she wastes on the cluck. They could have a little indicator fastened to their Merry Widow hat and as they leave the stage door turn down the flag and not read the meter until he had kissed you good-by in the hall, and then collect. In that way the doll would have the price of breakfast, and maybe a new gag or something for her wardrobe. It would reduce the nightly jam around the stage door by a whole lot.
"Did you hear about the bunch of us going yachting in Gym Bagley's yacht The Hornet the other day? He calls it The Hornet because he got stung when he bought it. The weather was all to the good the other afternoon, so we hike up to Harlem and collar the ship, six of us, and, after loading a bunch of bottled ballast on board, we started out. Gosh, the water was lovely. Gym don't care what becomes of the blooming barge as long as it doesn't get lost. You can even sink it, if you mark the spot. We all leave our Merry Widow lids in the boathouse, 'cause the boat wouldn't hold them, and sallied forth.
"Wilbur said he knew how to sail a boat. Come to find out later, it was a stone boat he had been educated on.
"Well, we elected him the chauffeur and, after hoisting the sail, the gallant craft with its merry-merry crew swung out into the stream. Yo ho, my lads, yo, ho.
"The wind was blowing one way and we wanted to go the other, so after nearly wrecking a couple of tugboats and a brick scow, we fixed the sail so the wind would push the boat right along. Aye, aye, captain, a fish sou'-sou' by east with the wind in his teeth! The sturdy vessel was just tearing along. Honest, you could see it move—right along, just like a clam, when Alla, who, you all know, is the human goat, in trying to reach for a bottle of beer that didn't belong to her, fell overboard.
"It served her right and I told the gang to hit her on the nob with an oar when she came-up. We dragged her in, however, and wrapped her up in a bunch of coats and set her on the front stoop of the craft to dry.
"She got jerry to the fact that there was a bottle of jig juice in the galley and at once threw a chill. Honest, to see that fluff do a stage chill would have made a eel laugh, ha! ha! in that manner. She shook so hard she nearly threw us all out of the scow, so that we finally had to listen to her pleadings and pass her the booze.
"I was for letting her shake so if we wanted mixed drinks al we would have to do was to put the glass in her mitt and say go to it, but some of the gazabos in the mob got a sympathy streak and let her have it. I'd a let her had it, all right, all right, the outside of the bottle right on the marcel.
"The subterfuges these Janes will indulge in to accomplish their ends makes my goat jump the barrier.
"Nothing else marred our pleasant little sail up the river except when we opened the lunch box we found only one sandwich, and no one would eat it. Everybody wanted to trade their interest in it for a bottle of beer, and there was nearly a riot.
"It was finally settled by Wilbur, who is always the fair-haired boy when it comes to emergencies. He took the sandwich and threw it overboard and each and every member of the famished crew had another eyedropper full of suds. If it hadn't been for him, we would be out there yet.
"We had got up to nearly opposite 155th street by this time and some of the less experienced members of the jolly gang were commencing to worry that they would never see Broadway again and stationed a lookout in the bow to find Albany. Aye, aye, the deck, water sighted on the port beam. On duty, captain. These noodley dames were strong for reversing and returning to our harbor, which we had not seen for these many years—ah, the brave sailor lad; alas, he had to remain away from home at night—so Wilbur started to turn the boat around.
"I think he must have thought he was driving a street car, for instead of reversing like any white man would, he pulled off an evolution that was a peach.
"All of the wind ducked out of the sail gag for a minute and the boat spun around, then, all of a sudden, it filled again, and, bingo! the scow slowly lays over on her side an dies. The outfit fell into the water kerplunk. I think I touched the bottom nine times before I grabbed the side of the boat. I remember distinctly of passing a fish so often that we got on speaking terms.
"When I got the briny out of my lamps and took a pike around, there was the whole works clinging to the side of the boat looking like a flock of wet cats.
"The remarks they made to Wilbur I would not repeat here, for he is to be my future husband. The water was as cold as a flat in the Winter time and nothing in sight.
"One of the dames, I wouldn't be surprised if it was that Alla party, suggested that we lash a man to the rigging and let him look for help. Another was strong for turning the flag upside down as a signal of distress. Louie Zweibaum nearly drowned because he had to use both hands to tell her that the rigging was under water.
"We, all between shivers, turned loose a Rebel yell for help and pretty soon along comes a tugboat bound downtown. That drove up alongside and after the captain found out that we had money they hoisted us on deck and took the sloop for a tow.
"Take it from me, I was never so glad to get near a fire in my life. The skipper of the cheese let us get in the engine room and dry out. Can you see that wet bunch of fluffs with all the highlight off and their marcels around their necks. I'll bet there was a whole lot of surprises sprung when the true complexion began to show up. We got fairly well fixed up by the time we got down to where we had to go to get the rest of our stuff and when we once again touched mother earth and the captain of the boat had touched us we took it on the run for a cafe, and let me tell you the market price on hot drinks closed strong in Harlem that night.
"We fixed Gym's boat up and gave it back to him the next day. Nobody caught cold and everything in the garden's lovely.
"Now, dearie, I can call you dearie, for I am soon to be a married woman and it will be all right. Now, dearie, don't forget the big Festival Thursday afternoon, for I will count on your being there to help the crowd.
"Remember the Friars do more for the actors than they are given credit for, so it's up to you to help boost. So long. Don't forget to kick in early and avoid the rush."
Sabrina is married and goes on her wedding trip. Her comments on London and how her husband suppressed several professional gamblers on board the steamer. The two expect to spend some time in England, where we will leave them.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Sabrina was married to Wilbur the day after the Friar Festival and we acted in the capacity of best man and were very much in evidence in the feast that followed. We imprinted chaste salutes on the lips of the blushing bride until the groom tore us asunder. After the festivities Sabrina and Wilbur disappeared and for the past ten days their favorite cafes and loafing places have known them not. We were just beginning to get nervous when the postman brought the following letter:
"London.
"Dear Party—I guess maybe when you pipe off this effusion you will throw a foaming fit and fall in it. Me and Wilbur are now in the city of fogs and take it from me, it's a bum habitation for even a dog.
"After you and the rest of the gang did the shoot the chutes under the table at the wedding breakfast me and his nobs grabbed our make-up boxes and took it on the lope for the ferry station. I thought we were going to take a wedding tour to Asbury Park or some of the other watering places, but what does Wilbur do but sidestep the ferry proposition and we go prancing up to a dock where a boat about nine miles big was hitched and before I had time to give the office to the cop on the beat Wilbur rushes me up the plank and into the outfit. Honest, it was bigger than any of the Coney Island boats. I was under the impression for the nonce that it was the night boat up the Hudson but I didn't see a steward I knew.
"A guy who had enough gilt on to be a Major-General in the National Guard came floundering up and Wilbur gave him his real name and the wop said, 'This way, please, threw us into a young elevator and we went up a couple of stories and along a hall until we came to a door which the gee threw open and said, 'This is your stateroom.'
"Honest, I never saw such a drum. A great big room with a real bed instead of those shelve things and off of the room a bath, and we were only to be on the water five days. Can you beat it? I was the one surprised pup and as soon as I hung my 'Merry Widow' on the gas jet I asked Wilbur about it.
"He says, 'Kid, we are on the ferry to Europe and we are going to spend our honeymoon across the pond.' I says, 'not for little Sabrina; you don't get her out of sight of New York,' and made a stab for the rail. By the time I got to it we were in the middle of the creek and nothing in sight but a flock of tugboats and a bunch of yaps waving their mitts on the dock. Take it from me, if I hadn't been a bride I would have cut up something scandalous, but it was too early in the matrimonial game to start any lumpy work. So all I did was to sit and pout, 'cause I know I can always make a hit when I flash the pouting number.
"Gee, what could I do? Out there in the middle of the water with a long, slushy walk back to the dock. So I did the next best thing and gave the high sign to the steward to kick in with a few refreshments, which he very graciously did.
"Say, party, I can't tell you how I felt to see little old New York slip away in the distance. That old town is a great old burg, and as I was going to kick into some other country that I wasn't hep to I naturally felt kind of bumly.
"We went busting by the Statue of Liberty and then on out past the Hook, and, take it from me, if that steward hadn't come across with the refreshments just at that moment I would have burst into tears. As it was I could only address Wilbur in a few terse adjectives, and tell him what I thought of a person that would pull off such a low down deal on an unsuspecting fluff. I want to state right now that though I was but a bride I called him good and proper.
"The next morning we went down to breakfast. Say, they have about ten meals a day on one of these scows and I've gained about twenty pounds already. There was a bunch of show people going over on the same boat and Wilbur and I naturally cottoned to them. We didn't do a thing all day but sit on the deck and read, or walk around or sing in the music room. Sure, they got a real live music room on board, as well as a conservatory, a gym and an elevator.
"I don't know whether I plucked a quince or not. Wilbur kept insisting that I go to the table every time they turned in an alarm, and I was sorta holding off, 'cause I didn't want to lance the poor boy for all his change on the way over, but he kept insisting that I eat and acted so peevish when I didn't that I thought, well, if he wants to spend his money all right, so I eat so much that I couldn't have crowded any more in me with a hypo. Come to find out the food was included in the passage and we had to pay for it whether we ate it or not. That's why I am wondering if I plucked a quince. Wilbur was never tight before we were wed, and you can take it from me that if he starts to hold out or draw down now there is going to be fine large doings in the Wilbur family from the female delegation.
"Wilbur was in the smoking room the other evening and got to talking with what he thought were a couple of boobs, but come to find out they were wise guys. After sipping up a couple of slow ones, the guys propose a little poker game. Wilbur and two other boobs fall for the bunk and they open up. Wilbur, after losing a little junk, gives the wise guys the office that he's jerry to the fact that they are playing with newspaper, and lets them know that if he ain't in on the frame-up he'll belch.
"These two boobs are dirty with the evergreen, and Wilbur's got the wise guys so leary for fear he will tip his mitt and they naturally slip him a big one every time they get a chance. Wilbur gets his money back and everything is even all around, but the wise guys are the only ones who want to lay down.
"Wilbur hands them a game of cheerful chatter and they don't dare quit. Foxy Wilbur sits there until 3 a.m., raking in their money, and incidentally corrals some that belongs to the wealthy wops. In the meantime I am doing the earnest conversation act with an old dowager that I met the second day out and she is telling me about her country home in Devonshire or some other one of these shire things. She sorta took a fancy to me and insisted that Wilbur and I should run out there for a week-end. Which end of the week she didn't say. But I guess if we go Sunday we are safe. To hear this old dame tell it, she must own about nine million acres up in the country, and her husband has all kinds of wild animals—lions, tigers, elephants and all that truck that are trained to be shot. She called it a shooting lodge. Probably a branch of the Elks. This old party ceases her harangue and I beat it to the air-felt and am pounding my ear when Wilbur kicks in with a souse on.
"I come out of the hay and am getting ready to call him to a fare-you-well when he flashes his bundle. My anger vanished in a moment and I just reach out and cop the coin and roll over and goes to sleep. Wilbur sleeps on the floor until I took compassion on him and rolled him on the lounge. Talk about your wifely devotion, what! I count the roll in the morning before I slip it to the purser for safekeeping and it assayed $1,245, which is not half bad for a night's work.
"The wise guys come around and offer Wilbur $100 a night to stay out of the smoking room and he won't do it, but tells them if he catches them playing another game during the trip he will turn loose the long Rebel yell. Now the two wise guys are sitting on deck reading 'The Lives of the Saints' and making faces at Wilbur every time he goes romping by. Ain't Wilbur the saucy thing?
"The last night on board we gave a concert for the benefit of the Seamen's Fund, or something like that, and I claim that it was a classy affair. I appeared, and without any brag or ostentation I can truthfully say that I scored a great personal triumph. It wasn't so much what I did, but the winsome manner in which I did it. Get that? Wilbur was the manager of the affair and didn't shake down a cent.
"What do you think of that? He said that a sailor needed all the money he could get and he would be the first man not to take it from them. I made my big hit at the concert in reciting 'Lasca.' One of the mates told me that somebody does 'Lasca' on every trip, but I was the first one that furnished scenery by letting down my hair. I wonder if he was kidding me?
"A great many of the ladies on board spent all their time in playing Bridget whist, and after watching them for a couple of afternoons they offered to teach me the game with a moderate limit. I am hep to this poker thing and can look a pat hand in the face without a quiver of the lip, but I must blushingly admit that I thought I was in for a good old-fashioned trimming when I got up against those dames. It cost me about fifty dollars to learn, and then I had a streak of beginner's luck, and before the whistle blew for dinner I was several hundred to the velvet.
"Two of the Janes put up a horrible holler about it being a friendly game and wanted their money back. I was going to give it to them, because I didn't want 'em to look any older, but one of the others took my part and told me to hold onto the gross. The three that didn't get their's back got out their little hammers and for a while I had no one to talk to but myself or Wilbur, and he was trying to dope out a scheme whereby he could paste threesheets on the ocean and catch the incoming tourists. I left him trying to compose a one-word wireless that would explain the whole proposition to Fred Thompson.
"We came in sight of England or Ireland, or some of those foolish islands, early in the morning, and they didn't look so much. Barren Island has got 'em faded for smell. There were nothing but long white chalk cliffs that a good man with a bucket of whitewash could paint in a week.
"We got into Liverpool and loafed around town for a couple of hours and saw nothing that would cause any excitement. The natives look just the same and dress just the same as they do in America but you have to go some to understand what they say.
"Gee, you should pipe the herdics they use for railroad cars in this man England's country. Instead of making the grand entrance from the end you sneak in at the side and sit in a kind of a pew thing, making faces at some one across the aisle. Wilbur got sore 'cause he blew himself for a couple of tickets and the conductor, I mean, the guard, didn't come around to collect them until we go nearly into London. He wanted to bet an Englishman, on the other side of the hall, $5—Bly me, I mean a pound, that he could make the same trip for nothing and hand the guard a group of chatter that would get him all the way into town.
"When we crawled out of the caboose in London we thought it was midnight, but on asking a cop—my word, I mean Bobby—he said it was nothing but a fog. Wilbur told him that if he wanted him to see much of his blooming city he would have to bring around a dark lantern.
"We called a cab and started for the Savoy. All true Americans when they go to London stop at the Savoy. We drove for about an hour, the horse gumshoeing his way through the dark until we came to the hotel. Wilbur asked the cab driver how much it was and he named the sum that if you even suggested it to a New York cabby he would have you pinched.
"After registering Wilbur called Marcus Mayer up on the telephone. He grabbed down the receiver and after waiting for about half an hour some dame said, 'Are you there?' Wilbur's Nanny took the hurdle and he answered, 'Where did you think I was? Playing pinochle with the King?' After a sharp struggle he managed to get Marcus' hangout, but he wasn't in, so Wilbur started out to hunt the American bar alone. In about fifteen minutes he came back on the run with a couple of Bobbys about two jumps behind him. It seems that Wilbur had found the American bar and walked up to it and asked for a Manhattan cocktail, because he was getting homesick and the bartender said, 'Will you have it made with Scotch or Irish, sir?'
"Naturally Wilbur hit him with the first thing that came handy, which happened to be a heavy beer mug. The bartender was a short sport, and instead of trimming him with a bung-starter, turns loose a yell for the law. So Wilbur lopes on, carelessly knocking over a couple of cops on his way out.
"The two officers that followed him to the room were strong for sending him to the booby hatch, but I had the presence of mind to slip them each a piece of change and they exit laughing. That's all that has happened so far, though we just got in town last night and I am writing this before breakfast. Oh, no; there's something else. Last night Wilbur and I started down to dinner and they shooed him back to put on his evening clothes. He met some of the American bunch after supper, and it took them three hours to tell all the things they did to Georgie Cohan when he was over here. Ted Marks is right here, with his hair in a braid and the white carnation.
"We will stay here for about a week and then caper over to Paris. I got a hunch that Wilbur is fixing to leave me in the outskirts, because I heard him say something about the foolishness of taking a cheese sandwich to a banquet.
"Will write again soon.
"Platonically Yours,
"SABRINA."
"P.S.—Wilbur is in another row downstairs and I got to go and see what's coming off.