The tragical acts, or comical tragedies of Punch and Judy

[4]Mr. Punch and the Great $25,000 Box Trick.

Enter Foreigner and Mr. Punch.

Foreigner. Mr. Punch, have you heard the news?

Punch. News! What news?

Foreigner. Why, my boss has received from Europe a great twenty-five-thousand-dollar box.

Punch (with a gesticulation of surprise, says). I don’t believe it.

Foreigner. It is all true, and he has left me in charge of it.

Punch. Is that so? Well, what is there inside that box?

Foreigner. Oh, I don’t exactly know; but lots of funny things, alive, I think.

Punch. Well, suppose you bring it up, and let’s see what it looks like.

Foreigner. Ah! so I will; but mind, you mustn’t raise the lid up.

Punch. All right; go ahead—bring it up. (Punch commences to dance with delight.)

Foreigner. Yes, yes, it shall be brought up, but you must come down and help me, it is so heavy. (Punch disappears, following the Foreigner.)

Re-enter Foreigner and Punch, bearing box. They fix it in position.

Foreigner. Now mind, Mr. Punch, you are not to touch that box.

Punch (dances up and down the stage in high glee; peeps round, and looks at front of box, says). Oh, no; I not touch it.

Foreigner. Now, Mr. Punch, I am going away; but remember, you are not to touch that box. [Exit Foreigner.

Punch. Oh, no; I not touch it. (he taps, however, at side of box, and darts away, dancing.)

Foreigner (returning). Ah! Now, Mr. Punch, I saw you touching that box.

Punch. Oh, no! me no go near it.

Foreigner. Now remember, Mr. Punch, if you go touching or opening that box, the little dog may wake up and bite.

Punch (continuing his dance to and fro, says). I not touch box; you can go away. (Foreigner disappears.)

(Punch, getting curious, remarks: “I’d like to see what is inside that box.” Attempts to raise the lid, but is startled by a yell. Box flies open, and the little Dog pops his head and forepaws out; tries to get a grip at Punch, which he partially succeeds in. Punch squeals, and gets away; cautiously carries on a combat, ending in the little Dog being driven down, the lid of the box closing on him. Mr. Punch, congratulating himself that there are no more foes, is startled by hearing a roaring sound, and, on attempting to open the lid, shows alarm at the appearance of his Satanic Majesty.)

Demon. Mr. Punch, I’m from the infernal regions.

Punch. Well, what of that?

Demon. I’ve come to take you below with me.

Punch. I don’t know so much about that.

Demon. Yes, Mr. Punch, your time is up; you have to come with me.

Punch. Then we’ll fight.

(Punch and the Demon have a very smart combat, during which the Demon nearly succeeds in drawing Mr. Punch down the box. Punch squeals, and wriggles himself away, afterwards taking care not to approach too near, to be again grasped by his Majesty; sets to making a vigorous attack, ending by driving the Demon down the box. Punch is now greatly elated over his triumphal battle with the Demon; darts quickly from corner to corner of the stage; then showing himself at the centre, approaches the box, raises up the lid, looks within, says: “I see there is nothing more in there, and being all safe, think that I will now take a nap.” He lies down on the stage, his head towards the box. He is soon disturbed by the appearance of a wide-mouthed Snake, who tries to gulp him down. Punch, escaping, and emboldened with the success over his former foes, shows fight. Snake nips him, but he again escapes. Punch is much put about by the appearance, also, of a huge Crocodile on the opposite end of the stage. Finding the chances of victory going against him, he calls out for Joey, who, appearing, is seized by the Crocodile. Punch forces him away, and, in his excitement, places him in the way of the wide-mouthed Snake, who gulps at him, and draws him down the box out of sight. Snake, reappearing, lays hold of Mr. Punch, draws him squealing, headforemost, down the box, the Crocodile assisting by snapping at Mr. Punch’s legs as they are disappearing from view. The Crocodile plunges round about and over the front of the stage, but finding nothing more to snap at, also disappears from view.)

DIALOGUE
FOR A PAIR OF
Ventriloquial Champions.

See Illustration.

Performer. Well, my little boys, can you talk?

Joey. Yes; I can talk.

Freddy. And I can talk, too.

Perf. Since you can talk, will you please tell me your names?

Fred. Well, my name is Freddy.

Joey. And call me Joey.

Perf. Well, Joey, how do you feel?

Joey. Well, I don’t feel very well.

Perf. Don’t feel very well?

Joey. No.

Perf. What appears to be the matter with you?

Joey. Well, I was out in the rain, and I caught cold.

Perf. Out in the rain and caught cold?

Joey. Yes.

Fred. I say, Mr. Valentine.

Perf. Yes, Freddy.

Fred. What good is the rain?

Perf. What good is the rain!

Fred. Yes.

Perf. The rain, my boy, has a tendency of bringing everything up from the ground.

Joey. Well I hope it won’t bring my old woman up.

Perf. (with surprise). What? Your old woman! You don’t mean to say you were ever married!

Joey. Yes, I was, once.

Perf. You are but a little boy. You don’t look old enough to have been ever married.

Joey. I am older than you think I am.

Perf. How old a man are you?

Joey. I am more than twenty years old.

Perf. Do you pretend to say that you were born twenty years ago?

Joey. I do.

Perf. I don’t believe it.

Joey (looks in Performer’s face). Was you there?

Perf. No.

Joey. Well, I was.

Perf. Then, if you was there, you must know all about it.

Joey. I do.

Perf. You are a pretty good speller, are you not, Joey?

Joey. Yes, and I can count, too.

Perf. You can count! I’ll just try you. What do two and two make?

Joey. Please to give me a harder one than that.

Perf. Four and four?

Joey. Eight.

Perf. Twice eight?

Joey. Sixteen.

Perf. Ten and ten?

Joey. Twenty.

Perf. Good, so far, Joey, but I shall catch you soon.

Joey. No, you won’t.

Perf. Well, we shall see. Twice eleven?

Joey. Twenty.

Perf. Wrong. Ah, Joey! I’ve caught you this time. Twice ten was twenty.

Joey. And twice eleven is twenty, too (two).

Perf. Right, Joey; you are getting smart. Can you spell milk?

Joey. You must show me how.

Perf. Will soon do that. M-i-l-k.

Joey. Milk.

Perf. No; I want you to spell it.

Joey. M-i-l-k, milk.

Perf. I will try you on another. Spell sugar.

Joey. S-e-g-a-r, segar.

Perf. That’s wrong. Not segar—sugar, I want you to spell.

Joey. That was right. S-e-g-a-r, segar.

Perf. No, no! What does my wife put in my tea in the morning?

Joey. Ah! now I know. Whisky. Is that what it spells?

Perf. (waiting a few seconds for the applause to quiet down, says). Smart again, Joey. I’ll try you yet on another. Constantinople.

Joey. Oh, Jerushua! What an hard ’un!

Perf. Well, Joey, I will help you. Now, right after me. Con.

Joey. Con.

Perf. Stan.

Joey. Stan.

Perf. Ti.

Joey. Ti.

Perf. No.

Joey. No.

Perf. Ple.

Joey. Ple.

Perf. Constantinople.

Joey. Constable.

Perf. That was wrong. Constantinople—not constable.

Joey. Well, that isn’t the way we spelt it when I went to school.

Perf. Well how did you spell it, then?

Joey. We spelt it in this way: Con, with a stan, with a t, with a ti, with a tipple, with a tople, with a Constantinople.

Perf. Good, Mr. Joey! After that we——

Fred. (interrupting). I say, Mr. Valentine?

Perf. Yes, Freddy.

Fred. Do you know that Joe went down-town and knocked down an old woman near sixty years old?

Perf. He did!

Fred. Yes, he did.

Joey. Yes, and I would have knocked her down if she had been an hundred and sixty years old.

Perf. (giving Joey a box on the ear). Now, you would do no such thing.

Joey. Yes, I would.

Perf. Now, Joey, what was your father?

Joey. Well they say that he was a good man.

Perf. I mean, what trade was he?

Joey. My father, sir, was a glazier.

Perf. A glazier?

Joey. Yes; and pray, Mr. Valentine, what was your father?

Perf. My father, sir, was a gentleman.

Joey. A gentleman?

Perf. Yes.

Joey. Then how was it, Mr. Valentine, that he did not make a gentleman of you?

Perf. Joey, you are getting a little too personal. (turns to Freddy) Now, Freddy, what were you doing over the bridge last night?

Fred. I went over to see my girl.

Perf. And did you see her?

Fred. The old people would not let me into the house.

Perf. Well, what did you do?

Fred. I stood under a tree.

Perf. What happened then?

Fred. I got wet all over.

Perf. Well, I suppose that it rained.

Fred. No, not that. Some say that it was perspiration.

Perf. And was it that?

Fred. No; I guess that it was dish-water.

Perf. Now, Freddy, supposing that a man were to dig down deep into the earth, what would he come to?

Fred. To dirt.

Perf. But supposing that he were to dig down through the earth?

Fred. He would come out of the hole.

Perf. How is your aunty?

Fred. She has the chills and shakes at four o’clock every afternoon.

Perf. She has?

Fred. Yes; and I wish that she would shake out the half-dollar she promised me.

Perf. Now, Joey and Freddy, do you see that trunk?

Joey. I do. Is any one in there?

Perf. Yes; a little girl.

Fred. Oh, do put me in there!

(Performer places them in the trunk; a hushed voice is heard from Joey complaining that Freddy will not give him any room. As the Performer opens the box, voice is suddenly increased in depth of tone; he closes it; the voices are again heard in a subdued tone, until they quiet themselves. The Performer, making a slight bow, draws the trunk off the stage.)

For full description and prices of the Ventriloquial Champions, see pages 58 and 59 of Judd’s Illustrated Catalogue, mailed by him for 15 cents. On page 78 will be found a Price List of Punch and Judy properties sold by him.

A YOUNG LADY’S CONVERSATION.

Enter Pretty Poll.

“How do you do? I was just going into the garden when papa said you were here; and, of course, it doesn’t do to keep company, it’s so rude. I’m sixteen to-day, and have just left school, and everybody says I’ve made such rapid progress as regards my education. Do you know they all say I’ve grown so tall lately? Well, I wouldn’t have any objections to that if it wasn’t for one reason, and that is—Well, I hardly like to tell you the reason, either; but I have a young man, and his name’s Julius, and he’s so awfully short himself his head hardly comes above my shoulder; but then, you know, half a loaf’s better than no bread, and a short young man’s better than none at all. Talking of Julius, I will tell you something. The other evening we were strolling up-town together, and Julius is awfully generous—he’d give me anything. Said he to me, ‘Adelina, supposing I was to offer you a present, would you accept one?’ Says I, ‘Oh, certainly!’ Accordingly we went into a store together, and while we were looking at the things, what should the young man do who stood behind the counter, but he came all the way round, took Julius by the shoulder. ‘There,’ says he, ‘leave the things alone, and let your mamma pick what she likes.’ Oh! I was awfully confused, and poor Julius, he didn’t know which way to look. But when I got my present, what do you think that was? Oh, such a splendid pair of new shoes! But when I got home I found the young shopman had made such a foolish mistake—he’d wrapped up eights, and everybody knows I only take twos.”

PRICE LIST
OF
Punch and Judy Properties.

PUNCH AND JUDY FIGURES,

Handsomely dressed, all characters, each $1.25.

As it is very essential that the figures and all apparatus should be perfect and complete, Prof. Judd calls attention to the fact that he manufactures and finishes in the most approved style the following

BEST DRESSED FIGURES, WITH SOLID WOODEN HEADS.

Goods sent by Express, on receipt of Cash, or C. O. D. (cash on delivery), on your enclosing to me one-quarter of the full amount, the remaining three-quarters to be paid to the Expressman when he delivers the goods to you. Address all orders to

PROFESSOR W. J. JUDD,
MAGICAL REPOSITORY,
131 HENRY ST., - - - - - - - - NEW YORK CITY.

THE ROYAL MARIONETTES.

Our Artist has given us Illustrations of four of the Leading Marionette Puppets. They are of peculiar construction, and differ from the Punch and Judy Troupe in that the Performer is standing over instead of beneath them. They are worked by each having five or more invisible silken cords, terminating in an instrument held in the hands of the Performer. Their feet, hands and head go through all the life-like motions of living actors. The smallest are twenty-four inches, and the largest made are forty-two inches in height. Professor Judd of New York, who manufactures and has them in stock, will give you all further information and furnish the particulars concerning their cost.

If, as Butler insinuates,

the life of a Prestidigitator must be a pleasant one; and to enable any one to realize the fact, we, in this volume, present the key to the “Mystical Mysteries,” whereby any boy, of an ingenious turn of mind, can amuse and astound his friends, schoolfellows and neighbors.

Annexed we give a list of a

PORTION OF THE CONTENTS.

Price 30 Cents.

Being a Systematic Compendium of the necessary Rules for attaining Proficiency in Reading and Speaking. With copious and interesting examples.

This treatise on Elocution and Oratory has been prepared with a strict regard to practical utility, by a favorite tragedienne of the stage. By attention to its rules the learner may rapidly acquire the art of reading aloud with due emphasis, and of expressing himself in a set speech, or a recitation, with propriety. Though chiefly designed for social purposes, it will also prove a safe guide for those who wish to establish a well founded professional reputation, either as readers, speakers, or actors.

CONTENTS.

PART FIRST.

Preliminary Remarks on the Leading Principles of Elocution.

PART SECOND.—Reading.

PART THIRD.—Elocution.

Price 30 Cents.

Either of the above will be sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of the price.

RECITERS, GUIDE BOOKS, ETC.