A PILFERED POT-POURRI
Timid Traveler vs. Tantalizing Ticket Clerk at the Bureau of Information
Ticket Clerk—Where do you wish to go, Sir?
Timid Traveler—Well, what stations have you?
T.C.—We have Portland, Oregon and Portland, Maine.
T.T.—Which is the cheapest?
T.C.—To Maine for $15 and tax, if you sit up nights.
T.T.—It hadn’t orter come so high, I paid my taxes!
Can you carry me to New York State, please?
T.C.—Delighted, if I could, but you’re too heavy.
T.T.—(Puzzled). I mean could you sell me through to the Bronx?
T.C.—The strange animals are all there—you might be caged.
T.T.—Well then, Iona Station?
T.C.—What station do you own?
T.T.—You seem stupid, I mean I might go to Iona Station.
T.C.—You have my permission, Ruben.
T.T.—I do want to go there in the worst way.
T.C.—Then don’t use this line, we’re the best way—P.D.Q. way.
T.T.—Oh indeed, what does “P.D.Q.” mean?
T.C.—I hate to tell you.
T.T.—But listen, my dear young man:
T.C.—Nay, Cæsar, I’m not your dear young man!
T.T.—May I leave this basket of potatoes in the Office?
T.C.—Read that warning:
ALL PARCELS, PACKAGES AND GRIPS LEFT AND NOT CHECKED, MUST BE CHECKED OR THEY CANNOT BE LEFT IN THE DEPOT.
T.C.—What kind of nuggets are the spuds?
T.T.—Early Rose, my fine fellow.
T.C.—Some mistake, never knew Rose to rise early since Daylight Saving came.
T.T.—When will the 2.00 o’clock train come?
T.C.—One sixty.
T.T.—Will she be long?
T.C.—Oh, about seven cars.
T.T.—Does she arrive soon?
T.C.—She’s about due, there comes the conductor’s dog.
T.T.—Where will she come in, you Smart Aleck?
T.C.—Right behind the engine to-day, I think.
T.T.—How long will she wait here?
T.C.—From two to two, to two two!
T.T.—(Musingly), he thinks he’s the whistle on the locomotive.
What part of the train do you consider most dangerous?
T.C.—Dining car, answered the dyspeptic.
T.T.—What became of the other clerk who was here?
T.C.—In the asylum—one day a woman got a ticket without asking questions.
T.T.—Mercy Mister, this is terryble, give me a ticket to Moffat’s Corners.
T.C.—Can’t give you one, but I will sell it.
T.T.—Why is my train arriving so late?
T.C.—It’s just like this: the train ahead is behind, and this train was behind before besides.
T.T.—Ma’ conscience!
When they found the old gentleman towards sundown, he had wandered to the yard limits and was seated in a free reclining chair car waiting for a hair cut. On hearing the doctor’s diagnosis: “Reason undermined,” he was assisted to an ambulance, as a hoot owl settled on the bridge at midnight, and a yellow fog enveloped the sleeping city.
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A DESERVED REBUKE
Speaking of “Back talk” at a railwaymen’s dinner, President Howard Elliott of the New Haven Lines, expressed sympathy for an employee temporarily under unbearable conditions and explained that when the conductor was punching tickets a man said to him, with a nasty sneer—“You have a lot of wrecks on this road, don’t you?” “Oh no,” said the conductor, “You’re the first I’ve seen for some time”.
Philadelphia Bulletin
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ONCE WAS ENOUGH
A sweet young thing who had not traveled much, was riding on a high speed interurban trolley noted for its accidents.
“How deliciously dangerous”, she was thinking as the conductor approached. “How often do you kill a person on this road?” she enquired. The ticket collector smiled and as he pocketed her coupon he said, “Just once, Miss”.
Electric Service Magazine
THE TRANSPORTATION CLUB OF TORONTO
Although the members of this Club carefully safeguard their Death Benefit Fund and derive profit from periodical addresses delivered to them by qualified speakers on topics of specific or general interest, they have realized that all work with trains or traffic affairs and no play, is an unwise plan of campaign. Until war time exigencies discouraged the practice, the Transportation Club indulged in an Annual June outing.