SCENE X.—KING, QUEEN, HUNCAMUNCA, Courtiers.
King. Open the prisons, set the wretched free,
And bid our treasurer disburse six pounds
To pay their debts.—Let no one weep to-day.
Come, Dollallolla; [1] curse that odious name!
It is so long, it asks an hour to speak it.
By heavens! I'll change it into Doll, or Loll,
Or any other civil monosyllable,
That will not tire my tongue.—Come, sit thee down.
Here seated let us view the dancers' sports;
Bid 'em advance. This is the wedding-day
Of Princess Huncamunca and Tom Thumb;
Tom Thumb! who wins two victories [2] to-day,
And this way marches, bearing Grizzle's head.
[A dance here.
[Footnote 1:
How I could curs my name of Ptolemy!
It is so long, it asks an hour to write it,
By Heaven! I'll change it into Jove or Mars!
Or any other civil monosyllable,
That will not tire my hand.
—Cleomenes.
]
[Footnote 2: Here is a visible conjunction of two days in one, by which our author may have either intended an emblem of a wedding, or to insinuate that men in the honey-moon are apt to imagine time shorter than it is. It brings into my mind a passage in the comedy called the Coffee-House Politician: We will celebrate this day at my house to-morrow. ]
[Illustration: The Death of Lord Grizzle.]
Nood. Oh! monstrous, dreadful, terrible, oh! oh! Deaf be my ears, for ever blind my eyes! Dumb be my tongue! feet lame! all senses lost! [1] Howl wolves, grunt bears, hiss snakes, shriek all ye 'ghosts!
[Footnote 1: These beautiful phrases are all to be found in one single speech of King Arthur, or the British Worthy.]
King. What does the blockhead mean?
Nood. I mean, my liege,
[1] Only to grace my tale with decent horror.
Whilst from my garret, twice two stories high,
I look'd abroad into the streets below,
I saw Tom Thumb attended by the mob;
Twice twenty shoe-boys, twice two dozen links,
Chairmen and porters, hackney-coachmen, whores;
Aloft he bore the grizly head of Grizzle;
When of a sudden through the streets there came
A cow, of larger than the usual size,
And in a moment—guess, oh! guess the rest!—
And in a moment swallow'd up Tom Thumb.
[Footnote 1:
I was but teaching him to grace his tale
With decent horror. —Cleomenes.
]
King. Shut up again the prisons, bid my treasurer
Not give three farthings out-hang all the culprits,
Guilty or not—no matter.—Ravish virgins:
Go bid the schoolmasters whip all their boys!
Let lawyers, parsons, and physicians loose,
To rob, impose on, and to kill the world.
Nood. Her majesty the queen is in a swoon.
Queen. Not so much in a swoon but I have still Strength to reward the messenger of ill news.
[Kills NOODLE.
Nood. O! I am slain.
Cle. My lover's kill'd, I will revenge him so. [Kills the QUEEN.
Hunc. My mamma kill'd! vile murderess, beware.
[Kills CLEORA.
Dood. This for an old grudge to thy heart. [Kills HUNCAMUNCA.
Must. And this I drive to thine, O Doodle! for a new one. [Kills DOODLE.
King. Ha! murderess vile, take that. [Kills MUST.
[1] And take thou this. [Kills himself, and falls.
So when the child, whom nurse from danger guards,
Sends Jack for mustard with a pack of cards,
Kings, queens, and knaves, throw one another down,
Till the whole pack lies scatter'd and o'erthrown;
So all our pack upon the floor is cast,
And all I boast is—that I fall the last. [Dies.
[Footnote 1: We may say with Dryden,
Death did at length so many slain forget,
And left the tale, and took them by the great.
I know of no tragedy which comes nearer to this charming and bloody catastrophe than Cleomenes, where the curtain covers five principal characters dead on the stage. These lines too—
I ask no questions then, of who kill'd who?
The bodies tell the story as they lie—
seem to have belonged more properly to this scene of our author; nor can I help imagining they were originally his, The Rival Ladies, too, seem beholden to this scene:
We're now a chain of lovers link'd in death;
Julia goes first, Gonsalvo hangs on her,
And Angelina hangs upon Gonsalvo,
As I on Angelina.
No scene, I believe, ever received greater honours than this. It was applauded by several encores, a word very unusual in tragedy. And it was very difficult for the actors to escape without a second slaughter. This I take to be a lively assurance of that fierce spirit of liberty which remains among us, and which Mr Dryden, in his essay on Dramatick Poetry, hath observed: "Whether custom," says he, "hath so insinuated itself into our countrymen, or nature hath so formed them to fierceness, I know not; but they will scarcely suffer combats and other objects of horror to be taken from them." And indeed I am for having them encouraged in this martial disposition; nor do I believe our victories over the French have been owing to anything more than to those bloody spectacles daily exhibited in our tragedies, of which the French stage is so intirely clear. ]
* * * * *
PASQUIN;
A DRAMATICK SATIRE ON THE TIMES
BEING THE REHEARSAL OF TWO PLAYS: VIZ.,
A COMEDY CALLED
THE ELECTION,
AND A TRAGEDY CALLED
THE LIFE AND DEATH OF COMMON SENSE.
FIRST ACTED IN APRIL 1736.
DRAMATIS PERSONAe.
Trapwit, Author . . . . . . . . . Mr ROBERTS, Fustian, Author . . . . . . . . . Mr LACY. Sneerwell (a critick) . . . . . . Mr MACHEN.
Several Players and Prompter.
PERSONS IN THE COMEDY.
Lord Place, Candidate . . . . . Mrs CHARKE, Colonel Promise, Candidate . . Mr FREEMAN, Sir Henry Fox-Chace, Candidate . . Mr TOPHAM, Squire Tankard, Candidate . . . Mr SMITH, Mayor . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr JONES. Aldermen, Voters, &c. Mrs Mayoress . . . . . . . . . Mrs EGERTON. Miss Mayoress . . . . . . . . . Miss J. JONES. Miss Stitch . . . . . . . . . . Miss BURGESS. Servants, Mob, &c.
PERSONS IN THE TRAGEDY.
Queen Common-Sense . . . . . . Mrs EGERTON. Queen Ignorance . . . . . . . . Mr STRENSHAM. Firebrand (Priest of the Sun) . Mr ROBERTS. Law . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr YATES. Physick . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr JONES. Ghost of Tragedy . . . . . . . Mr PULLEN. Ghost of Comedy . . . . . . . . Mr JONES. Third Ghost . . . . . . . . . . Mr WALLIS. Harlequin . . . . . . . . . . . Mr PULLEN. Officer . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr PULLEN. Messenger . . . . . . . . . . . Mr WALLIS. Drummer . . . . . . . . . . . . Mr LOWDER. Attendants on Ignorance, Maids of Honour, &c.
SCENE, the Play-House.
ACT I.
SCENE I.—Enter several Players.
1 Play. When does the rehearsal begin?
2 Play. I suppose we shall hardly rehearse the comedy this morning, for the author was arrested as he was going home from King's coffee-house; and, as I heard it was for upward of four pound, I suppose he will hardly get bail.
1 Play. Where's the tragedy-author then? I have a long part in both, and it's past ten o'clock.
Wom. P. Ay, I have a part in both too; I wish any one else had them, for they are not seven lengths put together. I think it is very hard a woman of my standing should have a short part put upon her. I suppose Mrs Merit will have all our principal parts now, but I am resolved I'll advertise against her. I'll let the town know how I am injured.
1 Play. Oh! here comes our tragedy-poet.
Enter FUSTIAN.
Fust. Gentlemen, your servant; ladies, yours. I should have been here sooner, but I have been obliged, at their own requests, to wait upon some half-dozen persons of the first quality with tickets: upon my soul 1 have been chid for putting off my play so long. I hope you are all quite perfect, for the town will positively stay for it no longer. I think I may very well put upon the bills, At the particular desire of several ladles of quality, the first night.
Enter Prompter.
Promp. Mr Fustian, we must defer the rehearsal of your tragedy, for the gentleman who plays the first ghost is not yet up; and when he is, he has got such a churchyard-cough he will not be heard to the middle of the pit.
1 Play. I wish you could cut the ghost out, sir, for I am terribly afraid he'll be damned if you don't.
Fust. Cut him out, sir? He is one of the most considerable persons in the play.
Promp. Then, sir, you must give the part to somebody else; for the present is so lame he can hardly walk the stage.
Fust. Then he shall be carried, for no man in England can act a ghost like him. Sir, he was born a ghost—he was made for the part—and the part writ for him.
Promp. Well, sir, then we hope you will give us leave to rehearse the comedy first.
Fust. Ay, ay, you may rehearse it first, if you please, and act it first too. If it keeps mine back above three nights, I am mistaken. I don't know what friends the author may have; but if ever such stuff, such damned, incoherent, senseless stuff, was ever brought on any stage—if the audience suffer it to go through three acts—Oh! he's here.
Enter TRAPWIT.
Dear Mr Trapwit! your most humble servant, sir; I read your comedy over last night, and a most excellent one it is: if it runs as long as it deserves you will engross the whole season to yourself.
Trap. Sir, I am glad it met with your approbation, as there is no man whose taste and judgment I have a better opinion of. But pray, sir, why don't they proceed to the rehearsal of your tragedy? I assure you, sir, I had much difficulty to get hither so early.
2 Play. Yes, faith, I believe you had. [Aside.
Fust. Sir, your comedy is to be rehearsed first.
Trap. Excuse me, sir, I know the deference due to tragedy better.
Fust. Sir, I would not have you think I give up the cause of tragedy; but my ghost, being ill, sir, cannot get up without danger, and I would not risque the life of my ghost on any account.
Trap. You are in the right on't, sir; for a ghost is the soul of tragedy.
Fust. Ay, sir, I think it is not amiss to remind people of those things which they are now-a-days too apt to disbelieve; besides, we have lately had an act against witches, and I don't question but shortly we shall have one against ghosts. But come, Mr Trapwit, as we are for this once to give the precedence to comedy, e'en let us begin.
Trap. Ay, ay, with all my heart. Come, come, where's the gentleman who speaks the prologue? This prologue, Mr Fustian, was given me by a friend, who does not care to own it till he tries whether it succeeds or no.
Enter Player for the Prologue.
Come, sir, make a very low bow to the audience; and shew as much concern as possible in your looks.
PROLOGUE.
As crafty lawyers, to acquire applause,
Try various arts to get a doubtful cause;
Or, as a dancing master in a jigg,
With various steps instructs the dancing prig;
Or as a doctor writes you different bills;
Or as a quack prescribes you different pills;
Or as a fiddler plays more tunes than one;
Or as a baker bakes more bread than brown;
Or as a tumbler tumbles up and down;
So does our author, rummaging his brain,
By various methods try to entertain;
Brings a strange groupe of characters before you,
And shews you here at once both Whig and Tory;
Or court and country party you may call 'em:
But without fear and favour he will maul 'em.
To you, then, mighty sages of the pit—
Trap. Oh! dear sir, seem a little more affected, I beseech you; advance to the front of the stage, make a low bow, lay your hand upon your heart, fetch a deep sigh, and pull out your handkerchief: To you, then, mighty sages of the pit—
Prol. To you, then, mighty sages of the pit,
Our author humbly does his cause submit.
He trys to please—oh! take it not amiss:
And though it should be dull, oh! do not hiss;
Laugh, if you can—if you cannot laugh, weep:
When you can wake no longer—fall asleep.
Trap. Very well! very well, sir! You have affected me, I am sure.
Fust. And so he will the audience, I'll answer for them.
Trap. Oh, sir, you're too good-natured; but, sir, I do assure you I had writ a much better prologue of my own; but, as this came gratis, have reserved it for my next play—a prologue saved is a prologue got, brother Fustian. But come, where are your actors? Is Mr Mayor and the Aldermen at the table?
Promp. Yes, sir; but they want wine, and we can get none from the quaker's cellar without ready money.
Trap. Rat him! can't he trust till the third night? Here, take sixpence, and fetch two pots of porter, put it into bottles, and it will do for wine well enough.
Fust. Ay, faith, and the wine will be as good as the wit, I'll answer for it. [Aside.
Trap. Mr Fustian, you'll observe I do not begin this play, like most of our modern comedies, with three or four gentlemen who are brought on only to talk wit; for, to tell you the truth, sir, I have very little, if any, wit in this play. No, sir, this is a play consisting of humour, nature, and simplicity. It is written, sir, in the exact and true spirit of Moliere: and this I will say for it, that, except about a dozen, or a score or so, there is not one impure joke in it. But come, clear the stage, and draw the back scene! Mr Fustian, if you please to sit down by me.
[Mayor and Aldermen discovered.
Fust. Pray, sir, who are these characters?
Trap. Sir, they are Mr Mayor of the town and his brethren, consulting about the election.
Fust. Are they all of a side, sir?
Trap. Yes, sir, as yet; for you must know, sir, that all the men in this borough are very sensible people, and have no party principles for which they cannot give a good reason; Mr Mayor, you begin the play.
May. Gentlemen, I have summoned you together to consider of proper representatives for this borough: you know the candidates on the court side are my lord Place and colonel Promise; the country candidates are Sir Henry Fox-chace and squire Tankard; all worthy gentlemen, and I wish with all my heart we could chuse them all four.
1 Ald. But since we cannot, Mr Mayor, I think we should stand by our neighbours; gentlemen whose honesty we are witnesses of, and whose estates in our own neighbourhood render 'em not liable to be bribed.
Fust. This gentleman, Mr Trapwit, does not seem so unbiassed in his principles as you represented him.
Trap. Pugh, sir! you must have one fool in a play; beside, I only writ him to set off the rest.
May. Mr Alderman, you have a narrow way of thinking; honesty is not confined to a country; a man that lives a hundred miles off may be as honest as him who lives but three.
Ald. Ay, ay, ay, ay. [Shaking their heads.
May. Besides, gentlemen, are we not more obliged to a foreigner for the favours he does us than to one of our own neighbours who has obligations to us? I believe, gentlemen, there is not one of us who does not eat and drink with Sir Harry at least twenty times in a twelvemonth; now, for my part, I never saw or heard of either my lord or the colonel till within this fortnight; and yet they are as obliging, and civil and familiar, as if we had been born and bred together.
1 Ald. Nay, they are very civil, well-bred men, that is the truth on't; but won't they bring a standing army upon us?
May. Mr Alderman, you are deceived; the country party will bring a standing army upon us; whereas, if we chuse my lord and the colonel, we shan't have a soldier in town. But, mum! here are my lord and the colonel.
Enter Lord PLACE and Col. PROMISE.
Place. Gentlemen, your most humble servant; I have brought the colonel to take a morning's whet with you.
May. Your lordship and the colonel do us great honour; pray, my lord, be pleased to sit down; pray, colonel, be pleased to sit. More wine here.
Fust. I wish, Mr Trapwit, your actors don't get drunk in the first act.
Trap. Dear sir, don't interrupt the rehearsal.
Place. Gentlemen, prosperity to the corporation!
Fust. Sir, I am a well-wisher to the corporation, and, if you please, will pledge his lordship:—success to your comedy, Mr Trapwit. [Drinks.
Trap. Give me a glass—sir, here's to your tragedy. Now, pray, no more interruption; for this scene is one continual joke, and if you open your lips in it you will break the thread of the jest.
May. My lord, we are sensible of your great power to serve this corporation, and we do not doubt but we shall feel the effect on't.
Place. Gentlemen, you may depend on me; I shall do all in my power. I shall do you some services which are not proper at present to mention to you; in the meantime, Mr Mayor, give me leave to squeeze you by the hand, in assurance of my sincerity.
Trap. You, Mr, that act my lord, bribe a little more openly, if you please, or the audience will lose that joke, and it is one of the strongest in my whole play.
Place. Sir, I cannot possibly do it better at the table.
Trap. Then get all up, and come forward to the front of the stage. Now, you gentlemen that act the mayor and aldermen, range yourselves in a line; and you, my lord and the colonel, come to one end and bribe away with right and left.
Fust. Is this wit, Mr Trapwit?
Trap. Yes, sir, it is wit; and such wit as will run all over the kingdom.
Fust. But, methinks, colonel Promise, as you call him, is but ill-named; for he is a man of very few words.
Trap. You'll be of another opinion before the play is over; at present his hands are too full of business; and you may remember, sir, I before told you this is none of your plays wherein much is said and nothing done. Gentlemen, are you all bribed?
Omnes. Yes, sir.
Trap. Then, my lord and the colonel, you must go off, and make room for the other candidates to come on and bribe too. [Exeunt PLACE and PROMISE.
Fust. Is there nothing but bribery in this play of yours, Mr Trapwit?
Trap. Sir, this play is an exact representation of nature; I hope the audience will date the time of action before the bill of bribery and corruption took place; and then I believe it may go down; but now, Mr Fustian, I shall shew you the art of a writer, which is, to diversify his matter, and do the same thing several ways. You must know, sir, I distinguish bribery into two kinds, the direct and the indirect: the first you have seen already; and now, sir, I shall give you a small specimen of the other. Prompter, call Sir Harry and the squire. But, gentlemen, what are you doing? How often shall I tell you that the moment the candidates are gone out you are to retire to the table, and drink and look wise; you, Mr Mayor, ought to look very wise.
Fust. You'll take care he shall talk foolish enough, I'll warrant you. [Aside.
May. Come, here's a round to my lord and the colonel's health; a Place and a Promise, I say; they may talk of the pride of courtiers, but I am sure I never had a civiller squeeze by the hand in my life.
Trap. Ay, you have squeezed that out pretty well: but shew the gold at these words, sir, if you please.
May. I have none.
Trap. Pray, Mr Prompter, take care to get some counters against it is acted.
Fust. Ha, ha, ha! upon my word the courtiers have topt their part; the actor has outdone the author; this bribing with an empty hand is quite in the character of a courtier.
Trap. Come, enter Sir Harry and the squire. Where are they?
I Play. Sir, Mr Soundwell has been regularly summoned, but he has refused to act the part.
Trap. Has he been writ to?
I Play. Yes, sir, and here's his answer.
Trap. Let both the letters be produced before the audience. Pray, Mr Prompter, who shall we have to act the part?
I Play. Sir, I like the part so well that I have studied it in the hope of some time playing it.
Trap. You are an exceeding pretty young fellow, and I am very glad of the exchange.
Sir H. Halloo, hark forwards: hark, honest Ned, good-morrow to you; how dost, Master Mayor? What, you are driving it about merrily this morning? Come, come, sit down; the squire and I will take a pot with you. Come, Mr Mayor, here's—liberty and property and no excise.
May. Sir Harry, your health.
Sir H. What, won't you pledge me? Won't you drink no excise?
May. I don't love party healths, Sir Harry.
All Ald. No, no; no party healths, no party healths.
Sir H. Say ye so, gentlemen? I begin to smoke you; your pulses have been felt, I perceive: and will you be bribed to sell your country? Where do you think these courtiers get the money they bribe you with, but from yourselves? Do you think a man who will give a bribe won't take one? If you would be served faithfully, you must choose faithfully, and give your vote on no consideration but merit; for my part, I would as soon suborn an evidence at an assize as a vote at an election.
May. I do believe you, Sir Harry.
Sir H. Mr Mayor, I hope you received those three bucks I sent you, and that they were good.
May. Sir Harry, I thank you for them; but 'tis so long since I eat them that I have forgot the taste.
Sir H. We'll try to revive it—I'll order you three more to-morrow morning.
May. You will surfeit us with venison: you will indeed; for it is a dry meat, Sir Harry, a very dry meat.
Sir H. We'll find a way to moisten it, I'll warrant you, if there be any wine in town. Mr Alderman Stitch, your bill is too reasonable; you certainly must lose by it: send me in half a dozen more greatcoats, pray; my servants are the dirtiest dogs! Mr Damask, I believe you are afraid to trust me, by those few yards of silk you sent my wife; she likes the pattern so extremely she is resolved to hang her rooms with it; pray let me have a hundred yards of it; I shall want more of you. Mr Timber, and you, Mr Iron, I shall get into your books too.
Fust. Would not that getting into books have been more in the character of the courtier, Mr Trapwit?
Trap. Go on, go on, sir.
Sir H. That gentleman interrupts one so.—Oh, now I remember—Mr Timber, and you Mr Iron, I shall get into your books too; though if I do, I assure you I won't continue in them long.
Trap. Now, sir, would it have been more in the character of a courtier? But you are like all our modern criticks, who damn a man before they have heard a man out; when, if they would but stay till the joke came—
Fust. They would stay to hear your last words, I believe. [Aside.
Sir H. For you must know, gentlemen, that I intend to pull down my old house, and build a new one.
Trap. Pray, gentlemen, observe all to start at the word house. Sir Harry, that last speech again, pray.
Sir H. For you, &c.——Mr Mayor, I must have all my bricks of you.
May. And do you intend to rebuild your house, Sir Harry?
Sir H. Positively.
May. Gentlemen, methinks Sir Harry's toast stands still; will nobody drink liberty and property, and no excise? [They all drink and huzza.
Sir H. Give me thy hand, mayor; I hate bribery and corruption: if this corporation will not suffer itself to be bribed, there shall not be a poor man in it.
May. And he that will, deserves to be poor; for my part, the world should not bribe me to vote against my conscience.
Trap. Do you take that joke, sir?
Fust. No, faith, sir.
Trap. Why, how can a man vote against his conscience who has no conscience at all?
1 Ald. Come, gentlemen, here's a Fox-chace and a Tankard!
Omnes. A Fox-chace and a Tankard! huzza!
Sir H. Come, let's have one turn in the marketplace, and then we'll to dinner.
May. Let's fill the air with our repeated cries Of liberty, and property, and no excise.
[Exeunt Mayor and Aldermen.
Trap. How do you like that couplet, sir?
Fust. Oh! very fine, sir!
Trap. This is the end of the first act, sir.
Fust. I cannot but observe, Mr Trapwit, how nicely you have opposed squire Tankard to colonel Promise; neither of whom have yet uttered one syllable.
Trap. Why, you would not have every man a speaker, would you? One of a side is sufficient; and let me tell you, sir, one is full enough to utter all that the party has to say for itself.
Fust. Methinks, sir, you should let the audience know they can speak, if it were but an ay or a no.
Trap. Sir, the audience must know that already; for if they could not say ay and no, they would not be qualified for candidates.
Fust. Oh! your humble servant, I am answered; but pray, sir, what is the action of this play?
Trap. The action, sir?
Fust. Yes, sir, the fable, the design?
Trap. Oh! you ask who is to be married? Why, sir, I have a marriage; I hope you think I understand the laws of comedy better than to write without marrying somebody.
Fust. But is that the main design to which everything conduces?
Trap. Yes, sir.
Fust. Faith, sir, I can't for the soul of me see how what has hitherto past can conduce at all to that end.
Trap. You can't? indeed, I believe you can't; for that is the whole plot of my play: and do you think I am like your shallow writers of comedy, who publish the bans of marriage between all the couples in their play in the first act? No, sir, I defy you to guess my couple till the thing is done, slap all at once; and that too by an incident arising from the main business of the play, and to which everything conduces.
Fust. That will, indeed, surprise me.
Trap. Sir, you are not the first man my writings have surprised. But what's become of all our players?—Here, who begins the second act?—Prompter!
Enter 1st Player.
I Play. Sir, the prompter and most of the players are drinking tea in the green-room.
Trap. Mr Fustian, shall we drink a dish of tea with them? Come, sir, as you have a part in my play, you shall drink a dish with us.
I Play. Sir, I dare not go into the green-room; my salary is not high enough: I shall be forfeited if I go in there.
Trap. Pshaw! come along; your sister has merit enough for herself and you too: if they forfeit you, I'll warrant she'll take it off again.
ACT II.
SCENE I.—Enter TRAPWIT, FUSTIAN, Prompter, Lord PLACE, Mrs and Miss Mayoress.
Trap. I am afraid, Mr Fustian, you have hitherto suspected that I was a dabbler in low comedy; now, sir, you shall see some scenes of politeness and fine conversation among the ladies. Come, my lord, come, begin.
Place. Pray, Mrs Mayoress, what do you think this lace cost a yard?
Fust. A very pretty beginning of polite conversation, truly.
Trap. Sir, in this play I keep exactly up to nature, nor is there anything said in this scene that I have not heard come out of the mouths of the finest people of the age. Sir, this scene has cost me ten shillings in chair-hire, to keep the best company, as it is called.
Mrs M. Indeed, my lord, I cannot guess it at less than ten pounds a yard.
Place. Pray, madam, was you at the last ridotto?
Fust. Ridotto! the devil! a country mayoress at a ridotto! Sure, that is out of character, Mr Trapwit!
Trap. Sir, a conversation of this nature cannot be earned on without these helps; besides, sir, this country mayoress, as you call her, may be allowed to know something of the town; for you must know, sir, that she has been woman to a woman of quality.
Fust. I am glad to hear that.
Mrs M. Oh, my lord! mention not those dear ridottos to me, who have been confined these twelve long months in the country; where we have no entertainment but a set of hideous strolling players; nor have I seen any one human creature till your lordship came to town. Heaven send us a controverted election! then I shall go to that dear delightful place once more.
Miss M. Yes, mama, and then we shall see Faribelly, the strange man-woman that they say is with child; and the fine pictures of Merlin's cave at the playhouses; and the rope-dancing and the tumbling.
Fust. By miss's taste I believe she has been bred up under a woman of quality too.
Place. I cannot but with pleasure observe, madam, the polite taste miss shows in her choice of entertainments; I dare swear she will be much admired in the beau monde, and I don't question but will be soon taken into keeping by some man of quality.
Miss M. Keeping, my lord?
Place. Ay, that surprize looks well enough in one so young, that does not know the world; but, miss, every one now keeps and is kept; there are no such things as marriages now-a-days, unless merely Smithfield contracts, and that for the support of families; but then the husband and wife both take into keeping within a fortnight.
Mrs M. My lord, I would have my girl act like other young ladies; but she does not know any men of quality, who shall introduce her to 'em?
Place. That, madam, must be your part; you must take a house and see company; in a little while you may keep an assembly, and play at cards as high as you can; and almost all the money that is won must be put into the box, which you must call paying for the cards; though it is indeed paying for your candles, your cloaths, your lodgings, and, in short, everything you have. I know some persons who make a very considerable figure in town, whose whole estate lies in their card-box.
Mrs M. And have I been so long contented to be the wife of a poor country tradesman, when I might have had all this happiness?
Fust. How comes this lady, Mr Trapwit, considering her education, to be so ignorant of all these things?
Trap. 'Gad, that's true; I had forgot her education, faith, when I writ that speech; it's a fault I sometimes fall into—a man ought to have the memory of a devil to remember every little thing; but come, go on, go on—I'll alter it by and by.
Place. Indeed, madam, it is a miserable state of life; I hope we shall have no such people as tradesmen shortly; I can't see any use they are of: if I am chose, I'll bring in a bill to extirpate all trade out of the nation.
Mrs M. Yes, my lord, that would do very well amongst people of quality who don't want money.
Fust. Again! Sure Mrs Mayoress knows very little of people of quality, considering she has lived amongst them.
Trap. Lord, sir, you are so troublesome. Then she has not lived amongst people of quality, she has lived where I please; but suppose we should suppose she had been woman to a lady of quality, may we not also suppose she was turned away in a fortnight, and then what could she know, sir? Go on, go on.
Place. Alack-a-day, madam, when I mention trade, I only mean low, dull, mechanick trade, such as the canaille practise; there are several trades reputable enough, which people of fashion may practise; such as gaming, intriguing, voting, and running in debt.
Trap. Come, enter a servant, and whisper my lord. [Enter a Servant.] Pray, sir, mind your cue of entrance. [Exit Servant.
Place. Ladies, a particular affair obliges me to lose so good company. I am your most obedient servant. [Exit.
Mrs M. He is a prodigious fine gentleman.
Miss M. But must I go into keeping, mama?
Mrs M. Child, you must do what's in fashion.
Miss M. But I have heard that's a naughty thing.
Mrs M. That can't be if your betters do it; people are punished for doing naughty things, but people of quality are never punished; therefore they never do any naughty things.
Fust. An admirable syllogism, and quite in character.
Trap. Pshaw, dear sir! don't trouble me with character; it's a good thing; and if it's a good thing, what signifies who says it?—Come, enter the mayor drunk.
Enter Mayor.
May. Liberty and property, and no excise, wife.
Mrs M. Ah! filthy beast, come not near me.
May. But I will, though; I am for liberty and property; I'll vote for no courtiers, wife.
Mrs M. Indeed, but you shall, sir.
Miss M. I hope you won't vote for a nasty stinking Tory, papa.
May. What a pox! are you for the courtiers too?
Miss M. Yes, I hope I am a friend to my country; I am not for bringing in the pope.
May. No, nor I an't for a standing army.
Mrs M. But I am for a standing army, sir; a standing army is a good thing: you pretend to be afraid of your liberties and your properties—you are afraid of your wives and daughters: I love to see soldiers in the town; and you may say what you will, I know the town loses nothing by 'em.
May. The women don't, I believe.
Mrs M. And I'll have you know, the women's wants shall be considered, as well as yours. I think my lord and the colonel do you too much honour in offering to represent such a set of clownish, dirty, beggarly animals—Ah! I wish we women were to choose.
May. Ay, we should have a fine set of members then, indeed.
Mrs M. Yes, sir, you would have none but pretty gentlemen—there should not be one man in the House of Commons without a laced coat.
Miss M. O la! what a delicate, fine, charming sight that would be! Well, I like a laced coat; and if ever I am taken into keeping, it shall be by a man in a laced coat.
May. What's that you say, minx? What's that you say?
Mrs M. What's that to you, sir?
May. Why, madam, must not I speak to my own daughter?
Mrs M. You have the greater obligation to me, sir, if she is: I am sure, if I had thought you would have endeavoured to ruin your family, I would have seen you hanged before you should have had any by me.
May. I ruin my family!
Mrs M. Yes, I have been making your fortune for you with my lord; I have got a place for you, but you won't accept on't.
Miss M. You shall accept on't.
Mrs M. You shall vote for my lord and the colonel.
Miss M. They are the finest men—
Mrs M. The prettiest men—
Miss M. The sweetest men—
Mrs M. And you shall vote for them.
May. I won't be bribed.
Mrs M. A place is no bribe—ask the parson of the parish if a place is a bribe.
May. What is the place?
Mrs M. I don't know what the place is, nor my lord does not know what it is, but it is a great swingeing place.
May. I will have the place first. I won't take a bribe, I will have the place first; liberty and property! I'll have the place first. [Exit.
Mrs M. Come, my dear, follow me; I'll see whether he shall vote according to his conscience or mine.
I'll teach mankind, while policy they boast,
They bear the name of power, we rule the roast.
Trap. There ends act the second. [Exeunt Mrs and Miss Mayoress.] Mr Fustian, I inculcate a particular moral at the end of every act; and therefore, might have put a particular motto before every one, as the author of Caesar in Egypt has done: thus, sir, my first act sweetly sings, Bribe all; bribe all; and the second gives you to Understand that we are all under petticoat-government; and my third will—but you shall see. Enter my lord Place, colonel Promise, and several voters. My lord, you begin the third act.
Enter Lord PLACE, Col. PROMISE, and several Voters.
Place. Gentlemen, be assured I will take care of you all; you shall all be provided for as fast as possible; the customs and the excise afford a great number of places.
1 Voter. Could not your lordship provide for me at court?
Place. Nothing easier: what sort of a place would you like?
1 Voter. Is not there a sort of employment, sir, called—beef-eating?—If your lordship please to make me a beef-eater—I would have a place fitted for my capacity.
Place. Sir, I will be sure to remember you.
2 Voter. My lord, I should like a place at court too; I don't much care what it is, provided I wear fine cloaths, and have something to do in the kitchen or the cellar; I own I should like the cellar, for I am a devilish lover of sack.
Place. Sack, say you? Odso, you shall be poet-laureat.
2 Voter. Poet! no, my lord, I am no poet, I can't make verses.
Place. No matter for that—you'll be able to make odes.
2 Voter. Odes, my lord! what are those?
Place. Faith, sir, I can't tell well what they are; but I know you may be qualified for the place without being a poet.
Trap. Now, my lord, do you file off, and talk apart with your people; and let the colonel advance.
Fust. Ay, faith, I think it is high time for the colonel to be heard.
Col. Depend upon it, sir; I'll serve you.
Fust. Upon my word the colonel begins very well; but has not that been said already?
Trap. Ay, and if I was to bring a hundred courtiers into my play, they should all say it—none of them do it.
3 Voter. An't please your honour, I have read in a book called Fog's Journal that your honour's men are to be made of wax; now, sir, I have served my time to a wax-work maker, and desire to make your honour's regiment.
CoL Sir, you may depend on me.
3 Voter. Are your officers to be made of wax too, sir? because I would prepare a finer sort for them.
CoL No, none but the chaplain.
3 Voter. O! I have a most delicate piece of black wax for him.
Trap. You see, sir, the colonel can speak when military affairs are on the carpet. Hitherto, Mr Fustian, the play has gone on in great tranquillity; now you shall see a scene of a more turbulent nature. Come, enter the mob of both sides, and cudgel one another off the stage. Colonel, as your business is not to fight at present, I beg you would go off before the battle comes on; you and your brother candidate come into the middle of the stage; you voters range yourselves under your several leaders. [The mob attempt to break in.] Pray, gentlemen, keep back; mind, the colonel's going off is the cue for the battle to enter. Now, my lord, and the colonel, you are at the head of your parties—but hold, hold, hold! you beef-eater, go you behind my lord, if you please; and you soldier-maker, come you behind the colonel: now, gentlemen, speak.
Place and Col Gentlemen, we'll serve you. [My lord and the colonel flle off at different doors, the parties following.
Enter mob on each side of the stage, crying out promiscuously. Down with the Rump! No courtiers! No Jacobites! Down with the pope! No excise! A Place and a Promise! A Fox-chace and a Tankard! At last they fall together by the ears, and cudgel one another off the stage.
Enter Sir HARRY, Squire TANKARD, and Mayor.
Sir H. Bravely done, my boys, bravely done; faith, our party has got the day.
May. Ay, Sir Harry, at dry blows we always come off well; if we could but disband the army, I warrant we carried all our points. But faith, sir, I have fought a hard battle on your account; the other side have secured my wife; my lord has promised her a place, but I am not to be gulled in that manner: I may be taken like a fish in the water, by a bait; but not like the dog in the water, by a shadow.
Sir H. I know you are an honest man, and love your country.
May. Faith, that I do, Sir Harry, as well as any man; if my country will but let me live by it, that's all I desire.
Fust. Mr Mayor seems to have got himself sober very suddenly.
Trap. Yes, so would you too, I believe, if you had been scolded at by your wife as long as he has; but if you think that is not reason enough, he may be drunk still, for any reason I see to the contrary: pray, sir, act this scene as if you was drunk.
Fust. Nay, I must confess, I think it quite out of character the mayor to be once sober during the whole election.
Tank. [drunk.] A man that won't get drunk for his country is a rascal.
May. So he is, noble squire; there's no honesty in a man that won't be drunk—A man that won't drink is an enemy to the trade of the nation.
Sir H. Those were glorious days when honest English hospitality flourished; when a country gentleman could afford to make his neighbours drunk, before your damned French fashions were brought over. Why, Mr Mayor, would you think it? there are many of these courtiers who have six starved footmen behind a coach, and not half a hogshead of wine in their house; why, how do you think all the money is spent?
May. Faith, I can't tell.
Sir H. Why, in houses, pictures, lace, embroidery, nick-nacks, Italian singers, and French tumblers; and those who vote for them will never get a dinner of them after the election is over.
May. But there is a thought comes often into my head, which is this; if these courtiers be turned out, who shall succeed them?
Sir H. Who? why, we!
Tank. Ay, we!
Sir H. And then we may provide for our friends. I love my country, but I don't know why I may not get something by it as well as another; at least to reimburse me.—And I do assure you, though I have not bribed a single vote, my election will stand me in a good five thousand pounds.
Tank. Ay, and so will mine me: but if ever we should get uppermost, Sir Harry, I insist upon immediately paying off the debts of the nation.
Sir H. Mr Tankard, that shall be done with all convenient speed.
Tank. I'll have no delay in it, sir.
May. There spoke the spirit of a true Englishman: ah! I love to hear the squire speak; he will be a great honour to his country in foreign parts.
Sir H. Our friends stay for us at the tavern; we'll go and talk more over a bottle.
Tank. With all my heart; but I will pay off the debts of the nation.
May. Come to the tavern then:— There, while brisk wine improves our conversation, We at our pleasure will reform the nation.
Trap. There ends act the third.
[Exeunt Sir HARRY, TANKARD, and Mayor.
Fust. Pray, sir, what's the moral of this act?
Trap. And you really don't know?
Fust. No, really.
Trap. Then I really will not tell you; but come, sir, since you cannot find that out, I'll try whether you can find out the plot; for now it is just going to begin to open, it will require a very close attention, I assure you; and the devil take me if I give you any assistance.
Fust. Is not the fourth act a little too late to open the plot, Mr Trapwit?
Trap. Sir, 'tis an error on the right side: I have known a plot open in the first act, and the audience, and the poet too, forget it before the third was over: now, sir, I am not willing to burden either the audience's memory or my own; for they may forget all that is hitherto past, and know full as much of the plot as if they remembered it.
Promp. Call Mr Mayor, Mrs Mayoress, and Miss.
Enter Mayor, Mrs and Miss Mayoress.
Mrs M. Oh! have I found you at last, sir? I have been hunting for you this hour.
May. Faith, my dear, I wish you had found me sooner; I have been drinking to the good old cause with Sir Harry and the squire: you would have been heartily welcome to all the company.
Mrs M. Sir, I shall keep no such company; I shall converse with no clowns or country squires.
Miss M. My mama will converse with no Jacobites.
May. But, my dear, I have some news for you; I have got a place for myself now.
Mrs M. O ho! then you will vote for my lord at last?
May. No, my dear; Sir Harry is to give me a place.
Mrs M. A place in his dog-kennel?
May. No, 'tis such a one as you never could have got me from my lord; I am to be made an embassador.
Mrs M. What, is Sir Harry going to change sides then, that he is to have all this interest?
May. No, but the sides are going to be changed; and Sir Harry is to be—I don't know what to call him, not I—some very great man; and as soon as he is a very great man I am to be made an embassador of.
Mrs M. Made an ass of! Will you never learn of me that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?
May. Yes, but I can't find that you had the bird in hand; if that had been the case I don't know what I might have done; but I am sure any man's promise is as good as a courtier's.
Mrs M. Look'ye, Mr Embassador that is to be; will you vote as I would have you or no? I am weary of arguing with a fool any longer; so, sir, I tell you you must vote for my lord and the colonel, or I'll make the house too hot to hold you; I'll see whether my poor family is to be ruined because you have whims.
Miss M. I know he is a Jacobite in his heart.
Mrs M. What signifies what he is in his heart? have not a hundred, whom everybody knows to be as great Jacobites as he, acted like very good whigs? What has a man's heart to do with his lips? I don't trouble my head with what he thinks; I only desire him to vote.
Miss M. I am sure mama is a very reasonable woman.
Mrs M. Yes, I am too reasonable a woman, and have used gentle methods too long; but I'll try others.
[Goes to a corner of the stage and takes a stick.
May. Nay, then, liberty and property, and no excise! [Runs off.
Mrs M. I'll excise you, you villain! [Runs after him.
Miss M. Hey ho! I wish somebody were here now. Would the man that I love best in the world were here, that I might use him like a dog!
Fust. Is not that a very odd wish, Mr Trapwit?
Trap. No, sir; don't all the young ladies in plays use all their lovers so? Should we not lose half the best scenes in our comedies else?
Promp. Pray, gentlemen, don't disturb the rehearsal so: where is this servant? [Enter Servant.] Why don't you mind your cue?
Serv. Oh, ay, dog's my cue. Madam, here's Miss Stitch, the taylor's daughter, come to wait on you.
Miss M. Shew her in. What can the impertinent flirt want with me? She knows I hate her too for being of the other party: however, I'll be as civil to her as I can. [Enter Miss STITCH.] Dear miss! your servant; this is an unexpected favour.
Miss S. I am sure, madam, you have no reason to say so; for, though we are of different parties, I have always coveted your acquaintance. I can't see why people may not keep their principles to themselves. [Aside.
Miss M. Pray, miss, sit down. Well, have you any news in town?
Miss S. I don't know, my dear, for I have not been out these three days; and I have been employed all that time in reading one of the "Craftsmen:" 'tis a very pretty one; I have almost got it by heart.
Miss M. [Aside.] Saucy flirt! she might have spared that to me when she knows that I hate the paper.
Miss S. But I ask your pardon, my dear; I know you never read it.
Miss M. No, madam, I have enough to do to read the "Daily Gazetteer." My father has six of 'em sent him every week for nothing: they are very pretty papers, and I wish you would read them, miss.
Miss S. Fie upon you! how can you read what's writ by an old woman?
Miss M. An old woman, miss?
Miss S. Yes, miss, by Mrs Osborne. Nay, it is in vain to deny it to me.
Miss M. I desire, madam, we may discourse no longer on this subject; for we shall never agree on it.
Miss S. Well, then, pray let me ask you seriously—are you thoroughly satisfied with this peace?
Miss M. Yes, madam, and I think you ought to be so too.
Miss S. I should like it well enough if I were sure the queen of Spain was to be trusted.
Miss M. [Rising.] Pray miss, none of your insinuations against the queen of Spain.
Miss S. Don't be in a passion, madam.
Miss M. Yes, madam, but I will be in a passion, when the interest of my country is at stake.
Miss S. [Rising.] Perhaps, madam, I have a heart as warm in the interest of my country as you can have; though I pay money for the papers I read, and that's more than you can say.
Miss M. Miss, miss, my papers are paid for too by somebody, though I don't pay for them; I don't suppose the old woman, as you call her, sends 'em about at her own expence; but I'd have you to know, miss, I value my money as little as you in my country's cause; and rather than have no army, I would part with every farthing of these sixteen shillings to maintain it.
Miss S. And if my sweetheart was to vote for the colonel, though I like this fan of all the fans I ever saw in my life, I would tear it all to pieces, because it was his Valentine's gift to me. Oh, heavens! I have torn my fan; I would not have torn my fan for the world! Oh! my poor dear fan! I wish all parties were at the devil, for I am sure I shall never get a fan by them.
Miss M. Notwithstanding all you have said, madam, I should be a brute not to pity you under this calamity: comfort yourself, child, I have a fan the exact fellow to it; if you bring your sweetheart over to vote for the colonel you shall have it.
Miss S. And can I sell my country for a fan? What's my country to me? I shall never get a fan by it. And will you give it me for nothing?
Miss M. I'll make you a free present of it.
Miss S. I am ashamed of your conquest, but I'll take the fan.
Miss M. And now, my dear, we'll go and drink a dish of tea
together.
And let all parties blame me if they can, Who're bribed by honours
trifling as a fan.
[Exeunt Misses.
Trap. There ends act the fourth. If you want to know the moral of this, the devil must be in you. Faith, this incident of the fan struck me so strongly that I was once going to call this comedy by the name of The Fan. But come, now for act the fifth.
Promp. Sir, the player who is to begin it is just stepped aside on some business; he begs you would stay a few minutes for him.
Trap. Come, Fustian, you and I will step into the green-room, and chat with the actresses meanwhile.
Fust. But don't you think these girls improper persons to talk of parties?
Trap. Sir, I assure you it is not out of nature: and I have often heard these affairs canvast by men who had not one whit more understanding than these girls.
[Exeunt.