Alcm. 'Tis but a just requital for my dream.
Phæd. I find my master took too much of the creature last night, [Aside.] and now is angling for a quarrel, that no more may be expected from him to-night, when he has no assets.
[In the mean time, Amph. and Alc. walk by
themselves, and frown at each other as they meet.
Amph. You dare not justify it to my face.
Alcm. Not what?
Amph. That I returned before this hour.
Alcm. You dare not, sure, deny you came last night,
And staid till break of day?
Amph. O impudence!—Why Sosia!
Sos. Nay, I say nothing; for all things here may go by enchantment, as they did with me, for aught I know.
Alcm. Speak, Phædra,—was he here?
Phæd. You know, madam, I am but a chamber-maid; and, by my place, I am to forget all that was done over night in love-matters,—unless my master please to rub up my memory with another diamond.
Amph. Now answer, Sosia.
Sos. Yes, now I can answer with a safe conscience, as to that point; all the rest may be art magic, but, as for the diamonds, here they are, under safe custody.
Alcm. Then what are these upon my arm? [To Sosia.
Sos. Flints, or pebbles, or some such trumpery of enchanted stones.
Phæd. They say, the proof of a true diamond is to glitter in the dark: I think my master had best take my lady into some by-corner, and try whose diamond will sparkle best.
Sos. Yet, now I think on't, madam, did not a certain friend of mine present them to you?
Alcm. What friend?
Sos. Why another Sosia, one that made himself Sosia in my despite, and also unsosiated me.
Amph. Sirrah, leave your nauseous nonsense; break open the seal, and take out the diamonds.
Sos. More words than one to a bargain, sir. I I thank you,—that's no part of prudence for me to commit burglary upon the seals: Do you look first upon the signet, and tell me, in your conscience, whether the seals be not as firm as when you clapt the wax upon them.
Amph. The signature is firm. [Looking.
Sos. Then take the signature into your own custody, and open it; for I will have nothing done at my proper peril. [Giving him the Casket.
Amph. O heavens! here's nothing but an empty space, the nest where they were laid. [Breaking open the Seal.
Sos. Then, if the birds are flown, the fault's not mine. Here has been fine conjuring work; or else the jewel, knowing to whom it should be given, took occasion to steal out, by a natural instinct, and tied itself to that pretty arm.
Amph. Can this be possible?
Sos. Yes, very possible: You, my lord Amphitryon, may have brought forth another. You my lord Amphitryon, as well as I, Sosia, have brought forth another Me, Sosia; and our diamonds may have procreated these diamonds, and so we are all three double.
Phæd. If this be true, I hope my goblet has gigged another golden goblet; and then they may carry double upon all four. [Aside.
Phæd. So, this is as good sport for me, as an examination of a great belly before a magistrate.
Alcm. You would not stay to sup; but much complaining of your drowsiness, and want of natural rest——
Sos. What if I should lie now, and say we have been here before? I never saw any good that came of telling truth. [Aside.
Phæd. He makes no more advances to me: I begin a little to suspect, that my gold goblet will prove but copper. [Aside.
Sos. Yes, 'tis resolved, I will lie abominably, against the light of my own conscience. For, suppose the other Sosia has been here, perhaps that strong dog has not only beaten me, but also has been predominant upon my wife, and most carnally misused her! Now, by asking certain questions of her, with a side-wind, I may come to understand how squares go, and whether my nuptial bed be violated. [Aside.
Phæd. Most certainly he has learned impudence of his master, and will deny his being here; but that shall not serve his turn, to cheat me of my present. [Aside.]—Why, Sosia! What, in a brown study?
Sos. A little cogitabund, or so, concerning this dismal revolution in our family.
Phæd. But that should not make you neglect your duty to me, your mistress.
Sos. Pretty soul! I would thou wert, upon condition that old Bromia were six foot under ground.
Phæd. What! is all your hot courtship to me dwindled into a poor unprofitable wish? You may remember, I did not bid you absolutely despair.
Sos. No, for all things yet may be accommodated, in an amicable manner, betwixt my master and my lady.
Phæd. I mean, to the business betwixt you and me—
Sos. Why, I hope we two never quarrelled?
Phæd. Must I remember you of a certain promise, that you made me at our last parting?
Sos. Oh, when I went to the army: that I should still be praising thy beauty to judge Gripus, and keep up his affections to thee?
Phæd. No, I mean the business betwixt you and me this morning—that you promised me——
Sos. That I promised thee—I find it now. That strong dog, my brother Sosia, has been here before me, and made love to her. [Aside.
Phæd. You are considering, whether or no you should keep your promise—
Sos. That I should keep my promise.—The truth on't is, she's another-guess morsel than old Bromia. [Aside.
Phæd. And I had rather you should break it, in a manner, and as it were, and in some sense——
Sos. In a manner, and as it were, and in some sense, thou say'st?—I find, the strong dog has only tickled up her imagination, and not enjoyed her; so that, with my own limbs, I may perform the sweetness of his function with her. [Aside.]—No, sweet creature, the promise shall not be broken; but what I have undertaken, I will perform like a man of honour.
Phæd. Then you remember the preliminaries of the present——
Sos. Yes, yes, in gross I do remember something; but this disturbance of the family has somewhat stupified my memory. Some pretty quelque chose, I warrant thee; some acceptable toy, of small value.
Phæd. You may call a gold goblet a toy; but I put a greater value upon your presents.
Sos. A gold goblet, say'st thou! Yes, now I think on't, it was a kind of a gold goblet, as a gratuity after consummation.
Phæd. No, no; I had rather make sure of one bribe beforehand, than be promised ten gratuities.
Sos. Yes, now I remember, it was, in some sense, a gold goblet, by way of earnest; and it contained—
Phæd. One large—
Sos. How, one large—
Phæd. Gallon.
Sos. No; that was somewhat too large, in conscience: It was not a whole gallon; but it may contain, reasonably speaking, one large—thimble-full; but gallons and thimble-fulls are so like, that, in speaking, I might easily mistake them.
Phæd. Is it come to this?—Out, traitor!
Sos. I had been a traitor, indeed, to have betrayed thee to the swallowing of a gallon; but a thimble-full of cordial water is easily sipt off: and then, this same goblet is so very light too, that it will be no burden to carry it about with thee in thy pocket.
Phæd. O apostate to thy love! O perjured villain!—
Enter Bromia.
What, are you here, Bromia? I was telling him his own: I was giving him a rattle for his treacheries to you, his love: You see I can be a friend, upon occasion.
Brom. Ay, chicken, I never doubted of thy kindness; but, for this fugitive—this rebel—this miscreant——
Sos. A kind welcome, to an absent lover, as I have been.
Brom. Ay; and a kind greeting you gave me, at your return; when you used me so barbarously this morning.
Sos. The t'other Sosia has been with her too; and has used her barbarously: barbarously,—that is to say, uncivilly: and uncivilly,—I am afraid that means too civilly. [Aside.
Phæd. You had best deny you were here this morning! And by the same token——
Sos. Nay, no more tokens, for Heaven's sake, dear Phædra.—Now must I ponder with myself a little, whether it be better for me to have been here, or not to have been here, this morning. [Aside.
Enter a Servant.
Serv. Phædra, my lord's without; and will not enter till he has first spoken with you. [Exit Serv.
Phæd. [To him in private.] Oh, that I could stay to help worry thee for this abuse; but the best on't is, I leave thee in good hands.——Farewell, Thimble——To him, Bromia. [Exit Phædra.
Brom. No; you did not beat me, and put me into a swoon, and deprive me of the natural use of my tongue for a long half hour: you did not beat me down with your little wand:—but I shall teach you to use your rod another time——I shall.
Sos. Put her into a swoon, with my little wand, and so forth! That's more than ever I could do. These are terrible circumstances, that some Sosia or other has been here. Now, if he has literally beaten her, gramercy, brother Sosia! he has but done what I would have done, if I had durst. But I am afraid it was only a damned love-figure; and that the wand, that laid her asleep, might signify the peace-maker. [Aside.
Brom. Now you are snuffling up on a cold scent, for some pitiful excuse. I know you; twenty to one, but you will plead a drunkenness; you are used to be pot-valiant.
Sos. I was pumping, and I thank her, she has invented for me.—Yes, Bromia, I must confess I was exalted; and, possibly, I might scour upon thee, or perhaps be a little more familiar with thy person, by the way of kindness, than if I had been sober: but, pr'ythee, inform me what I did, that I may consider what satisfaction I am to make thee.
Brom. Are you there at your dog-tricks! You would be forgetting, would you? like a drunken bully that affronts over night, and, when he is called to account the next morning, remembers nothing of the quarrel; and asks pardon, to avoid fighting.
Sos. By Bacchus, I was overtaken; but I should be loth that I committed any folly with thee.
Brom. I am sure, I kept myself awake all night, that I did, in expectation of your coming. [Crying.
Sos. But what amends did I make thee, when I came?
Brom. You know well enough, to my sorrow, but that you play the hypocrite.
Sos. I warrant, I was monstrous kind to thee.
Brom. Yes, monstrous kind indeed: You never said a truer word; for, when I came to kiss you, you pulled away your mouth, and turned your cheek to me.
Sos. Good.
Brom. How, good! Here's fine impudence! He justifies!
Sos. Yes, I do justify, that I turned my cheek, like a prudent person, that my breath might not offend thee; for, now I remember, I had eaten garlick.
Brom. Ay, you remember, and forget, just as it makes for you, or against you; but, to mend the matter, you never spoke one civil word to me; but stood like a stock, without sense or motion.
Sos. Yet better. [Aside.
Brom. After which, I lovingly invited you to take your place in your nuptial bed, as the laws of matrimony oblige you; and you inhumanly refused me.
Sos. Ay, there's the main point of the business! Art thou morally certain, that I refused thee? Look me now in the face, and say I did not commit matrimony with thee!
Brom. I wonder how thou canst look me in the face, after that refusal!
Sos. Say it once again, that I did not feloniously come to bed to thee!
Brom. No, thou cold traitor, thou know'st thou didst not.
Sos. Best of all!—'twas discreetly done of me to abstain.
Brom. What, do you insult upon me too?
Sos. No, I do not insult upon you——but—
Brom. But what? How was it discreetly done then? ha!
Sos. Because it is the received opinion of physicians, that nothing but puling chits, and booby-fools are procreated in drunkenness.
Brom. A received opinion, snivel-guts! I'll be judged by all the married women of this town, if any one of them has received it. The devil take the physicians for meddling in our matters! If a husband will be ruled by them, there are five weeks of abstinence in dog-days too; for fear a child, that was got in August, should be born just nine months after, and be blear-eyed, like a May kitten.
Sos. Let the physicians alone; they are honest men, whatever the world says of them. But, for a certain reason, that I best know, I am glad that matter ended so fairly and peaceably betwixt us.
Brom. Yes, 'twas very fair and peaceably; to strike a woman down, and beat her most outrageously.
Sos. Is't possible that I drubbed thee?
Brom. I find your drift; you would fain be provoking me to a new trial now: but, i'faith, you shall bring me to no more handy-blows; I shall make bold to trust to my tongue hereafter. You never durst have offered to hold up a finger against me, till you went a trooping.
Sos. Then I am a conqueror; and I laud my own courage: this renown I have atchieved by soldier-ship and stratagem. Know your duty, spouse, hence-forward, to your supreme commander. [Strutting.
Enter Jupiter
and Phædra,
attended by Musicians and Dancers.
Phæd. Indeed I wondered at your quick return.
Phæd. 'Tis possible I may solicit for you.
Jup. But wilt thou promise me to do thy best?
Phæd. Nay, I promise nothing—unless you begin to promise first. [Curtsying.
Jup. I will not be ungrateful.
Phæd. Well; I'll try to bring her to the window; you shall have a fair shot at her; if you can bring her down, you are a good marksman.
Sos. [Taking Jupiter about the knees.] Let me embrace you, sir. [Jupiter pushes him away.] Nay, you must give me leave to express my gratitude; I have not eaten, to say eating, nor drunk, to say drinking, never since our villainous encamping so near the enemy. It is true, I escaped the bloody-flux, because I had so little in my bowels to come out; and I durst let nothing go, in conscience, because I had nothing to swallow in the room on't.
Jup. You, Bromia, see that all things be prepared, With that magnificence, as if some god Were guest or master here.
Sos. Or rather, as much as if twenty gods were to be guests or masters here.
Brom. That you may eat for to-day and to-morrow.
Sos. Or, rather again, for to-day and yesterday, and as many months backward, as I am indebted to my own belly.
Enter Mercury to Jupiter; Alcmena and Phædra appear above.
Jupiter signs to the Musicians. Song and Dance:
After which, Alcmena withdraws, frowning.
SONG.
I.
II.
III.
ACT IV.—SCENE I.
Jupiter following Alcmena; Mercury and Phædra.
Merc. Your lady has made the challenge of reconciliation to my lord: here's a fair example for us two, Phædra.
Phæd. No example at all, Sosia; for my lady had the diamonds beforehand, and I have none of the gold goblet.
Merc. The goblet shall be forthcoming, if thou wilt give me weight for weight.
Phæd. Yes, and measure for measure too, Sosia; that is, for a thimble-full of gold, a thimble-full of love.
Merc. What think you now, Phædra? Here's a weighty argument of love for you.
[Pulling out the Goblet in a case from under his Cloak.
Phæd. Now Jupiter, of his mercy, let me kiss thee, O thou dear metal!
[Taking it in both hands.
Merc. And Venus, of her mercy, let me kiss thee, dear, dear Phædra!
Phæd. Not so fast, Sosia; there's a damned proverb in your way,—"Many things happen betwixt the cup and the lip," you know.
Merc. Why, thou wilt not cheat me of my goblet?
Phæd. Yes, as sure as you would cheat me of my maidenhead: I am yet but just even with you, for the last trick you played me. And, besides, this is but a bare retaining fee; you must give me another before the cause is opened.
Merc. Shall I not come to your bed-side to-night?
Phæd. No, nor to-morrow night neither; but this shall be my sweetheart in your place: 'tis a better bedfellow, and will keep me warmer in cold weather. [Exit Phædra.
Mercury alone.
Merc. Now, what's the god of wit in a woman's hand? This very goblet I stole from Gripus; and he got it out of bribes, too. But this is the common fate of ill-gotten goods, that, as they came in by covetousness, they go out by whoring.—
Enter Amphitryon.
Oh, here's Amphitryon again; but I'll manage him above in the balcony [Exit Mercury.