♦CHAPTER III.
A more particular account of his preceding doubts, concerning the being of God, and deliverance from them.
1.I BEFORE mentioned the trials I had about the being of a God, almost as soon as I had any concern about religion. But at first I had no arguments, urged against it: only seeing this was the hinge on which all religion turned, I found myself at a loss for evidence so clear and strong, and convincing, as I thought necessary, with respect to a truth, whereon so much weight was to be laid. I said, “Very great things are demanded of me, and I am called to hope for great things; but, before, I trust so far, I would know more of that God, in whom I am to trust.”
2. But afterwards, when I was more estrang’d from God, and intent upon abstract subtleties, the devil took his opportunity, and said daily, “Where is now thy God?” He then triumph’d, “Where is now that mouth, with which thou hast so often reproached Atheists?” These are the arguments they have; come forth then, try thy strength, and fight them.
3. Hereupon a sharp conflict began, in which I used various ways. Sometimes I rejected his suggestions, and refused them a hearing. Sometimes I tried to answer his arguments; but the longer I stood arguing the case, I was always at the greater loss. Then I would wish for a discovery of God himself; O that I knew where I might find him! Whence the enemy failed not to infer, “If there was a God he would help one, who was thus standing up for him, in such a strait.” Sometimes I prayed, and though Satan urged me with the unreasonableness of praying till I was sure there was a God; yet I always thought, “If there be one, he can best satisfy me as to his own being.”
4. And he did satisfy me in part. 1. By clear discoveries of the tendency of these temptations, viz. To cast reproach on all the best and wisest of men, and to destroy the foundations of all human happiness. 2. By some glimpses of his glory, even in the works of creation. 3. By some beams of light from his word; and more than once, in particular, by suggesting to my mind, with power, that answer of the three children, O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter. If it be so, our God, whom we serve, is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand. But if not, be it known unto thee, O King, that we will not serve thy God, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.
5. But yet I was not fully relieved; nothing but a discovery of God could give a full defeat to Satan. But considering I was then an unhumbled enemy, God could not have appeared otherwise than as an enemy; and this my nature could not bear, I could not have thus seen his face and lived. Wherefore he led me another way; he discovered sin to me first, and thereby broke the force of the temptation; and having humbled me, he then discovered himself in his glory in Christ Jesus.
*6. This it was which gave me full satisfaction, while God commanded this light to shine on my mind, I could not desire a clearer proof of his being; all his enemies fled before it: all the mountains of opposition shook at the presence of the Lord, and were carried into the midst of the sea. I had now manifold evidences of this glorious truth. I had, 1. The evidence of sight: by the eye of faith I saw the glory of God as represented in the word, shining with the clearest lustre: it not only convinced me of its own reality, but that, in a manner, nothing else was real. This sight gave me more consistent, becoming notions of God, his nature and attributes, than ever I attained before, and so shook the very foundations of those doubts which flowed purely from my ignorance of his nature. 2. I had the evidence of the ear; I heard him speak, and his voice sufficiently distinguished itself from the voice of any creature. He first spoke terror to me from Sinai; and when my soul was as the troubled sea, he said unto it, “Peace, be still, and there was a great calm.” His words had light and power peculiar to God with them, both when he spoke for me and against me: they made me taste and see that the Lord is good, and that blessed is he that trusteth in him. All my objections were solv’d. As to the seeming inconsistency of his attributes, at the time that he condescended to shew me his back-parts, he satisfied me, that no man can behold his face. He gave me a view of his incomprehensibility, which silenced all those suggestions. And as to the seeming disorders in his government, a plain answer was, He giveth account to none; his way is in the sea; his paths in the great waters, and his footsteps are not known.
CHAPTER ♦IV.
A more ♦particular account of his preceding doubts concerning the holy scriptures, and deliverance from them.
1.THIS temptation, as observed before, did not attack me so soon as the former; but it was managed in much the same way. Sometimes my mind only hung in suspence, for want of a sufficient evidence. Sometimes I was strangely harrassed with multiplied objections, either by the books I read, the enemies of the word, with whom I conversed, or by Satan, whose suggestions were far the most subtle, and most perplexing of all.
2. This trial was more grievous than even the former. These objections were equally destructive of all religion, and were far more numerous, more plausible, and entertained by persons of a fairer character. Besides, the evidence of this truth lay farther from the reach of an unenlightened mind.
3. I tried many ways to escape; besides prayer, and attending public ordinances, I read many books writ in defence of the scriptures. And this wanted not its use; I got a rational conviction of the truth, and so was emboldened to plead for it against his enemies; and I found answers to many particular objections, which encouraged me to wait for full satisfaction. But that I found not yet: this being but the wisdom of men, had not power to silence temptations, to enlighten me to see the evidence of God in his word, or to give a relish for it to an indisposed soul.
4. God began to break the force of this temptation, when his word fastened a sense of guilt on my soul: though this rather extorted an assent than induced to a chearful acquiescing therein, as coming from God. But when he gave me that light which repelled all temptations, which revived and comforted a soul bowed down before, I instantly closed with his word as the word of life; I rejoiced as one that had found a hid treasure; I was sweetly satisfied, that it came from him; and that by many evidences: for,
First, All discoveries of guilt were made by it. God by this spoke in my ear, sins which none save he who searcheth the heart, could know, which I knew not, nor any creature else. By it the secrets of my heart were manifest, so that I was compelled to own, that God was in it of a truth; I could not but cry out, “Come, see a book which told me all that ever I did. Is not this the book of God?”
Secondly, All the discoveries he made of his anger were made by the holy scriptures; it was by them that his wrath was dropt into my soul, and revealed from heaven against me. It was by the same that he let in upon my soul the glorious discovery of his being, attributes, and his whole will concerning my salvation by Jesus Christ. By the same he conveyed all those quickening, converting, transforming, supporting, composing influences, and let me see the other wonders of his law; excellent things in counsel and knowledge. By this he was pleased to reveal the craft, the power, the actings, and the designs of my enemies; his own designs in my trials, and something of his secret designs in many of his public administrations.
*Thirdly, As all these influences and discoveries were conveyed by his word, so by the peculiar light and power that attended them, he evidenced that his name was there. It taught, not as the greatest, the wisest, the best of men; but with another sort of authority and weight; it spake as never man spake. Whatever it said, my conscience stood to. When it challenged me for what I knew not to be faults, no defences availed; I was scarce sooner accused than arraigned, convicted, condemned. In like manner when God hereby spoke peace, he created it. The dead heard, and the hearer lived. Temptations after it spoke not again. When I was self-destroyed, self-condemned, and cast hereby into the greatest agony; yet whenever he sent his word, it healed me; my soul was commanded to be at peace, and there ensued a glorious calm.
5. And ♦whereas my enemies had often asked me, how I could distinguish the real among so many pretended revelations? God himself now gave me a reply: The prophet that hath a dream, let him tell a dream; and he that hath my word, let him speak my word faithfully. What is the chaff to the wheat, saith the Lord? Is not my word like as a fire? And like a hammer, that breaketh the rock in pieces? Jeremiah xxiii. 28, 29. And he was pleased particularly to speak those things, whereat I had stumbled, to my soul, which both humbled me for my former unbelief, and encouraged me to hope, that I should know other things hereafter which I understood not now. Again he satisfied me as to many things, that the time of knowing them was not yet; and that when he saw the proper season to be come, he would shew me plainly of them. He let me see his wisdom and goodness in thus training me up to dependance, for learning of him what I knew not; and shewed me that it was my duty to meditate in his law day and night, and to search the scriptures with all humility; since the secret of the Lord is only with those that fear him, and he will shew none but them his covenant.
6. When after this I read the scriptures, and found not that powerful light shining with that warming, quickning, dazzling glory, yet I found an habitual light in my soul, whereby I could almost every where discern part of the glory of the Lord; and by this I was over-awed, and brought still to regard them as the word of God. A light was still reflected on the whole scripture; and I was ordinarily enabled to perceive, how worthy of him, and like himself, every thing was which I read there, and by this abiding light I was capable of discerning therein discoveries of the actings of sin and grace, with a penetration and exactness beyond the reach of any, save, the omniscient and only wise God.
CHAPTER V.
Of some other temptations, and his deliverance from them.
1.I BEFORE shewed that when I was in doubt about the holy scriptures, the devil often suggested to me, “how can you expect satisfaction in these things, when men of so much greater abilities have sought it in vain?” And this suggestion was often so violently urged, that I had no spirit left in me.
2. But when God discovered himself to me in his own light, the force of this temptation was utterly broken; though I had not a particular sight of the weakness of it till I read (some time after) the three first chapters of the first epistle to the Corinthians: the substance of what God then shewed me was,
First, That his great design in the method of salvation he had chosen, was to stain the pride of all human glory, that no flesh might glory in his sight, but he that glorieth might glory in the Lord. Secondly, That a vain ambition to be wise above what God allowed, was the spring and chief part of our apostacy from God; and still vain man would be wise; the Jews ask a sign, and the Greeks seek after wisdom. Thirdly, That in order to the attainment of the foregoing design, and to the recovery of man from his apostacy it was plainly necessary, that his ambition, being a flat opposition to his design, and a principal part of his corruption, should be removed. It was requisite, That God should destroy the wisdom of the wise, and bring to nought the understanding of the prudent. Fourthly, God to vindicate his own wisdom, reproached by this vain ambition of man, to fix an eternal blot on human wisdom, and to discover his holy severity in punishing this ambition, with the other wickednesses of vain man, suffered, for many ages, all nations to walk in their own ways, and to try whether they were better than God’s ways; whether they could supply the defects which they fondly imagined God had made them with, or relieve themselves from the misery of their apostacy, and the event answered the design of his wisdom and justice, and the desert of them who made the attempt. For after the fruitless endeavours of four thousand years, The world by wisdom knew not God. They missed the mark, their foolish hearts were darkened; seeking to be wise, they became fools; instead of getting their eyes opened to see more than God allowed, they could see nothing but their own nakedness; and so imperfect were their discoveries even of that, they imagined fig-leaves would cover it. Fifthly, after they had spent the time allotted for shewing the vanity of their own wisdom; God, in the depth of his compassion stepped in to their relief; and in order thereto, was pleased to pitch upon a way quite opposite to all wisdom of foolish man. He chose not the enticing words of man’s wisdom, or eloquence; it was not suitable to the truth of God, to use that mean art, whereby the judgments of men are led blindfold in subjection to their passions. He made no choice of artificial reasonings, the other eye of human wisdom. It did not become the majesty of God to dispute men into a compliance with his will. And although he wrought signs to awaken the attention of a drowsy world, to gain respect to his ambassadors, to strengthen the faith of weak believers, and to cut off every plea from unbelief: yet he chose not them chiefly to convert and recover the world, being unwilling so to derrogate from his word, as if the word of God were not, upon its own evidence, worthy the acceptation of all rational creatures. Sixthly, God having rejected all these, made use of the foolishness of preaching: that is, a plain declaration of his will in his name, in the demonstration of the spirit and power, by men commissioned by him for that purpose. Now this was a means every way worthy of God. Man had believed the devil rather than God; the devil seemed to have gained a great advantage, by persuading man in his integrity to credit him and discredit God. God now cast back the shame on him, by engaging fallen man to renounce the devil, and give up Satan and all that adher’d to him. And further to manifest his design, as he made use of the foolishness of preaching, so he chose for his ambassadors, not the learned disputers of the world, but foolish, weak, illiterate men, that by things which in appearance are not, he might bring to nought those that are. Lastly, To lay man lower yet, that the Lord alone might be exalted, he chose not for his people such as the world would have thought stood fairest for mercy; but he chose, for the general, the most miserable and contemptible of mankind; Not many wise, not many noble, not many mighty are called; but God hath chosen the foolish things of this world to confound the wise.
*3. Hence God shewed me, that it was to be expected, and was indeed inevitable, that a great opposition, should be every where made to his gospel; that this opposition would principally be by pretenders to wisdom, and learned men; that their objections must be against all the concernments of the gospel, the matter, manner, means of it; all being opposite to their expectation, and that therefore it was no wonder to see some stumble at the cross, some at the preaching, some at the preachers; that it was to be expected their objections would be specious, as being suited to the wisdom of men, the natural apprehension of all who were not brought to a compliance with the grand design of God. Lastly, That it was impossible for any man, who was not brought to be a fool in his own eyes, to be wise in the things of God, or to discern and approve of the conduct of God in this whole matter.
4. Upon this discovery I was fully satisfied, that the opposition of learned men, and their unsuccessfulness in their enquiries, was so far from being a just prejudice to, that it was a strong confirmation of the truths of religion; and on the other hand, that though they were, in the wisdom of God, hid from the wise and prudent, yet babes might have a clear discovery thereof, because it had pleased the father to reveal these things to them.
5. Another common objection, which had made, at some times, a considerable impression upon my mind, was, that the scriptures are contrary to reason. I shall just point at the springs of my relief.
First, I was long before fixed in a deep, rational conviction of the shortness of human knowledge, and that there was no truth which we receive, whether upon the evidence of metaphysical, mathematical, or moral principles, or even on the evidence of our senses, against which there lay not insoluble objections. Yet no man questioned those truths; nor though we endeavoured it ever so much, could we doubt of many of them. And as this was one of the most considerable fruits of my studies in philosophy, so it was of use to me many ways; it made me see through the vanity of that pretence against the truths revealed by God, that there lie unanswerable objections against them. This I plainly saw ought not to shake my assent, if I found sufficient evidence for them; especially as I was convinced, ’twas reasonable to expect more inextricable difficulties about truths supernaturally revealed than others, since they lie farther out of our reach. Therefore, when any such occurred, I was led rather to suspect my own ignorance than the truths of God.
*Secondly, God had before fixed in me the faith of his incomprehensibility, and fully convinced me, that I could not know him to perfection. He let me see, that his ways are not our ways, so that I durst not any more attempt to measure him, or his ways, by my short line, but in all things I relied in the resolution of his word. To the law and to the testimony I brought all, and where that clearly interposed, my soul was now taught fully to acquiesce in, and stand to its determination.
Thirdly, When the enemy strongly attacked any particular truth, and I could not instantly solve his objections, I was much relieved by a view of the multiplied testimonies of the word, all running the same way. And when by consulting interpreters, especially critics, I was darkened rather than cleared, I had recourse to the scope of the words, and the plain meaning that first occurred, with an humble dependance on God for his light.
*Fourthly, If for a time, by the subtle perversion of some scriptures, I could not find the true meaning of them, the analogy of faith staid my mind, till I could recover those particular passages out of the enemy’s hand. When God manifested himself to me, he gave me a view of his whole design in the revelation he had made of himself, and of the harmonious consent and concurrence of all the doctrines of the gospel, in promoting that design. He shewed me likewise, how the end and the means were so closely linked together, that one of these truths could not be overturned, but all the rest would follow. Whenever therefore any of them was controverted, its connexion with the other truths, uniformly and plainly attested by the current of scripture, presented itself; and my mind was satisfied, this could not fall without they all fell together. This I take to be the analogy of faith, and herein I often took sanctuary.
6. I before mentioned what a continual bondage I was long in, through fear of death; I shall now give some account of my relief from this also.
First, The Lord’s mercy manifested in Christ freed me from this spirit of bondage, and gave me a taste of the liberty of the sons of God. He in great measure removed the grounds whereon I most feared it, viz. Sin the sting of death, and want of evidence about the reality of future things.
Secondly, Whereas there still continued some fear upon a near prospect of it, I was much relieved by God’s promise, that we should not be tempted above what we are able to bear, especially when I recollected my former experience. I remember one day in particular, I was opprest with fear of death, when God mercifully suggested to me, “Hast thou not shrunk under the remote prospect of other trials, and yet been carried through them? Why shouldst thou distrust him as to future trials, who hath so often helped thee in time of need?” I then considered, it is no way proper that God should give his grace before our trial comes: but rather that he should keep us humble and dependent by reserving it in his own hand, and teach us to submit to his wisdom, as to the measure and time of performing his own promises. And I have ever since rested in this faith, that the Lord is a God of judgment, and that blessed are all they who wait on him; not doubting either his faithfulness as to the accomplishment of his promises, or judgment as to the right timing and measuring them, in proportion to our necessities. Hereupon I rest to this day; I dare not say I am ready to die; I dare not say I have faith or grace sufficient to carry me through death; I dare not say I have no fear of death: but this I say, there is sufficient grace laid up for me in the promise; there is a throne of grace to have recourse to; and there is a God of judgment, who will not with-hold it, when it is really the time of need.
PART IV.
CHAPTER I.
Of his entrance upon the ministry, and behaviour at Ceres.
1.WHEN I was under the violent strugglings before-mentioned, I had laid aside all thoughts of the ministry; for I could not entertain a thought of preaching to others what I did not believe myself. But now the scene being changed, I was, after long deliberation and fervent prayer, determined to comply with my mother’s desire (who had devoted me from my childhood to this work) with the advice of my most pious friends, the importunity of many others, and the motions of my own heart. For I had a lively sense of the strong obligation laid upon me, to lay out myself in the service of my good master, and I thought the nearer my employment related to him, the happier it would be.
2. Accordingly on May 1, 1700, I entered into holy orders, and May 5, began my ministry at Ceres. From this time he prepared his ♦sermons with much secret prayer, for a blessing thereon, both to himself and his hearers. His practice also was, exactly to review and remark his behaviour in public duties; what assistance and enlargement of heart he obtained, and what concern for the souls of his hearers. When he fell short, it was matter of humiliation to him; when he was assisted, of greater gratitude and watchfulness.
3. Knowing he was to watch over souls, as one that must give account, he had the weight of this charge much upon his spirit: he therefore laboured to know the state of the souls of his flock, that he might be able to guide them according to their particular cases. In order thereto he was diligent in visiting all the families within his parish, in instructing his people by catechizing, and in marking their proficiency in the knowledge of the gospel. Especially, before administring the Lord’s supper, he conversed severally with those who desired to partake thereof, to try what sense they had of real religion; what influence the word of God had had upon them: and what fruits of it were in their hearts and lives, that he might deal with their consciences accordingly.
4. Take an instance of this in his own words: July 8, 1703. “I have now spent about a month in converse with my people, and I observe the few following things:”
*First, “That of three or four hundred persons there were not above forty who had not at one time or other been more or less awakened, though with far the greater part it came to no length. Whence it is plain, that God leaves not himself without witness, even in the bosom of his enemies, but sooner or later so far touches the hearts of all men, as will dreadfully enhance the guilt of those, who put out the light, and quench his Spirit.”
*Secondly, “That some of those whom it has pleased God to awaken by my ministry, promise more than flowers, even fruit: and that most acknowledge, that the word comes nearer them daily, which makes me ashamed of my own negligence, and astonished at the goodness of God, who blesses my weak labours notwithstanding.”
Thirdly, “That though God may make use of the words of man, in letting us into the meaning of the scriptures, yet ’tis ordinarily the very scripture-word whereby he conveys any comfort or advantage.”
5. Hearing about this time of some who ♦were much swayed by good people, in dark steps of their ministerial work, I was satisfied in the evident clearness of the following rules:
*First, That it is very dangerous to lay much stress on the apprehensions of the best of people, as to what may be sin or duty in things that belong not to their station; for the promise of the Spirits, teachings belongs not to them, as to what may concern a minister’s station. Therefore, it is safer to desire their prayers, that God would, according to his promise, discover to us what is our duty, than to learn them to step out of their stations, and advise in things that belong not to them.
*Secondly, In consulting others for light, great regard should be had to the different talents of men; in matters of soul-exercise, most regard should be had to those whom God has fitted with endowments that way; in matters of government most regard should be had to those whom he has fitted that way.
Thirdly, The holiest men are most likely to know God’s mind; but to know who are the holiest, we must consider, not only what men’s behaviour, but what their temptations are. For one in whom less appears may indeed have more grace, than another who seems to have more; when the one is continually plunged in floods of temptation, and the other is free from them.
*Observe, Fourthly, That ministers are commonly more shaken about the truths of religion, than about their own state: but the people, more about their own state, than about the truths of religion. And as ministers are assisted to clear the people as to what they are straitened about; so are the people often enabled to help their ministers, as to what occasions their uneasiness. Thus they mutually excel and are excelled, to humble both, and keep both in their stations.
As to the clearing up our duty in doubtful cases, observe, Lastly, That there is ever a bias to one way or the other; that we must seek to have this removed, and cry to God to bring our hearts to equal willingness to take either or neither way; that when this is attained, we must use our best reason, and take the way that appears most proper, though still crying to him, that he would put a stop to us, if we be out of the road. If he afforded light in any other particular way we must use it, still taking care, to seek light soberly, to use it tenderly, and to be wary in the application of it.
6. July 2, 1702. God about this time giving me somewhat of a revival from a long deadness, I think myself concerned to take notice of the means by which I obtained this benefit. And, 1. It was signally promoted by converse with zealous Christians. I found, that as iron sharpeneth iron, so doth the countenance of a man his friend. 2. By some heavy strokes laid upon me. 3. By terrible providences to the public. 4. By some papers seasonably brought to my hands, containing the exercise of some real Christians, wherein I saw how far short I was of them, and also not a few of the causes of my sadly withered and decayed state. 5. By some discovery of the vanity ♦of my sweetest enjoyments. And, Lastly, By God’s leading me to some subjects, which I chose for others, wherein I found my own case remarkably touched.
7. March 12, 1705. I was far out of order; “Lord pity and shine upon me.” At night I was somewhat refreshed in family-worship. In meditation hereon I saw unbelief was the root of all my misery. I was broken on account of it; I cried to God for relief, “O manifest thyself to my soul!” I was much grieved, that at a time when so many strange evils abound, there should be so strange a stupidity ♦on my spirit, that I could not mourn for the dishonour done to God. I cried for a spirit of supplication and repentance.
8. April 17, 1705. I was much disordered in body; but about seven at night I was a little relieved. Yet bowing my knees to prayer I was full of perplexity; the Lord hid himself, and my spirit was overwhelmed. But meeting with that scripture, Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; I found my mind composed; but, O, that it were with me as in months past!
9. February 24, 1706. Being the Lord’s day, I was sore shaken in the morning about the truths of God, but came to peace as to what I was to preach, in three things. “Lord thou hast fully satisfied me,” that 1. All other courses to satisfaction in our great concern, besides that of the gospel, are utterly vain and unsatisfactory. 2. That supposing the truth of the gospel, there is a plenary security as to all I can desire in time or in eternity. And ♦3. That it can be only the wretched unbelief of my heart that makes me ever hesitate concerning the truth of it, seeing I have full evidence for it, far beyond what in other things would absolutely cut off all hesitation. I will look then for faith to the author of it: Lord I believe! help thou mine unbelief! Thou hast so fixed me in the belief of these three truths, that no temptation hath been able to shake me.
10. In the spring, 1707. Some of the followers of Mrs. Bourignon coming into his parish, he laboured to guard his people against the infection of their specious errors. A short account whereof he gives in the following words:
April 20, 1707: This day the Lord directed me to strike at the root of the prevailing delusion, in opposition to which I taught.
First, That true holiness will not admit ♦of leaving out some duties, whereas the devotees, while they withdraw from the world, omit the unquestionable duties both of general usefulness among men, and of diligence in their particular callings.
Secondly, That holiness consists not in a strict observance of rules of our own invention, such as most of theirs are.
Thirdly, That whatever holiness those profess, who neglect the ordinances of God, none can reasonably conclude, that they are influenced by the authority of the Lord Jesus, for the same authority binds to the one as well as the other.
Lastly, That the most effectual inducement to universal obedience, is a sense that our sins are forgiven us, still kept fresh upon our souls, and a constant improvement of the blood of Christ by faith.
11. January 11, 1708. In the morning I arose greatly indisposed with a looseness. Before church I was somewhat relieved, but immediately after sermon, seized with vomiting. Lord, lead me to some suitable improvement!
*January 12. Was a day set apart for examining the state of my soul; chiefly on these heads. 1. Are daily sins, and sins of infirmity, searched, observed, weighed, mourned for? And do I exercise faith distinctly, in order to the pardon of them? 2. Does the impression of the necessity and excellency of Christ’s blood decay? Are the experiences of its life and efficacy distinct as before? 3. Am I formal in worship? In secret, family, public prayer? Desiring blessing on meat, returning thanks? Meditation and reading? 4. Is there due concern for the flock? Singleness and diligence in ministerial duties, prayers for them? &c. 5. Is there sympathy with afflicted saints and churches? 6. Is the voice of the rod heard, calling to deniedness to relations, even the dearest? Deniedness to the world? To life? Preparation for death? Spirituality in duty?
12. October 12, 1709. Being seized with a violent flux and griping, yet God kept me submissive, without repining; and brought me to commit the disposal of all to him, crying for a removal of any aversion to his will. And as to my ministry, tho’ I felt much remorse for the want of wrestling with God, for the success of his word among the people, yet it was refreshing that I durst say in the sight of God, that I was really concerned to know the truth; that I kept back none which might be profitable for them: that I preached what I resolved to venture my soul on, and that I desired to preach home to their consciences.
CHAPTER II.
Of his marriage, and conduct in his family.
1.WHEN God convinced me, that it was not meet I should be alone, he also dearly convinced me, that a prudent wife is from the Lord.—I looked therefore and cried to, and waited on him for direction, with that eminent freedom and preparation of heart, which gave a fixed hope he would incline his ear, and bless me in my choice.
2. The command, Be not unequally yoked with unbelievers, was so strongly imprest on my soul, that no prospect of outward advantage could have swayed me to chuse one void of the fear of God. But whether to chuse on the testimony of others, or from personal acquaintance, I could not easily determine.
3. At last inclining to think a personal acquaintance necessary, I pitched on one who appeared suitable to me; and who falling at that time under some unusual concern about religion, which she imparted to me, it looked like a providential clearing of the way; on which, I too hastily proceeded in the proposal. Yet I never durst pray absolutely for success, but had great freedom in praying that God would direct: and that if it were not for my good, my way might be hedged in, and my design effectually disappointed. Mean while she carried on an intrigue with another, to whom she was soon after clandestinely married.
4. Another marriage was proposed to me some time after. In the beginning of this affair, March 1700, I was confident to meet with a disappointment; whereon I resolved to quit it, and did so for some time. But God, by one means or other, broke all my designs of turning away. He visibly interposed his providence, gave fresh opportunities, directed me to means I had never before thought of, and reconciled those to it, from whom I expected the strongest opposition.
5. Yet after I had the greatest encouragement to proceed, I met with discouragements again: this was follow’d by new encouragement when I least expected it: and by this variety of success, I was kept low as to my thoughts of myself, and wholly dependent on God for the event.
6. December 13. This forenoon I set apart for prayer: and being to address God with regard to my proposal of marriage, I began the work with an enquiry into my own state. Upon this enquiry, I found,
First, With respect to God, I was under a full conviction, that life was in his favour, nay, that his loving-kindness is better than life itself. That any interest in his favour is utterly impossible, without respect had to a mediator: God being holy, I unholy; God a consuming fire, I a sinner meet to be consum’d: that God out of mere love has been pleased to send into the world Jesus Christ, as the mediator through whom sinners might regain his favour.
Secondly, With respect to Christ, nothing has been able (since it was first given me) to shake my full conviction of the following particulars: that Jesus Christ is such a Saviour as it became the goodness, justice, wisdom, and power of God to provide; and such as became the desires and needs of sinners, as being sufficient to save all that come to God through him, and that to the uttermost, his blood being able to cleanse from all sin, his power to subdue all things to himself, and his Spirit to lead into all truth: that I need him in all his offices; there being no time when I durst once think of parting them: God knows that my heart is as much reconciled to his kingly as to his priestly office, and that it would for ever damp me, had he not power to captivate every thought to the obedience of himself; that all my hope of freedom from that darkness which is my burden, is from Christ’s prophetical office; and my hope of freedom from the guilt and power of sin, arises from his priestly and kingly offices. In one word, I have no hope of any mercy in time or eternity, but through him. ’Tis through him I expect all, from the least drop of water to the immense riches of his glory.
Thirdly, With respect to this law, notwithstanding my frequent breaches of it, I dare take God to witness, that I count all his commandments concerning all things, to be holy, and just, and good; insomuch that I would not desire any alteration in any, and least of all in those which most cross my inclinations: that I desire inward, universal conformity to them all, and that in the spiritual meaning and extent, as reaching all thoughts, words, and actions, and even the minutest circumstances of them. Lastly, That since the commencement of this affair particularly, I have seen a peculiar beauty in the law, as exemplified in the life of our Lord; more especially in his absolute submission to the divine will, even in those things which were most contrary to his innocent nature. And though I could scarce reach this submission at some times, yet I earnestly desired it, I look’d upon it as exceedingly amiable, and condemned myself so far as I came short of it.
7. As to the whole, my spirit was in a calm and composed frame: but contrary to my positive resolution, and under fears of a refusal, I was carried out to be more peremptory than usual as to the success. Yea, when I was in the most submissive frame, I was more peremptory as to the event, than when my heart was most eagerly set upon it.
8. January 7, 1701, was a day set apart by us both, to be kept with fasting and prayer, for obtaining a blessing on our marriage. I began it with prayer, wherein I endeavoured to trace back sin to my very infancy. Lord, I have been in all sin: not one of thy commands but I have broken in almost all instances; save in the outward acts, and from them, O Lord, only thy free grace restrained me.
*I now again solemnly devoted myself to him, in this new relation I was to enter upon; beseeching that he would not contend with either of us, for the sins of our single life; that he would make us holy, and bless us in this new state, fitting us every way for one another. In my second address to God by prayer, he gave me much sweetness and enlargement (blessed be his goodness) in reference to that particular, for which I set apart this day. When he prepareth our hearts to pray, his ear hearkeneth thereto.
This day I again searched into my state, and found these evidences of the Lord’s work in my soul: 1. He hath given me by his Spirit some discovery of the innumerable sins of every period of my life, and especially of the root of all, the inexpressible corruption of my nature: 2. He has discovered to me the vanity of all those reliefs nature leads to, with regard to the guilt of sin; he hath made me see, that my own works cannot save me, and, I hope, taken me off from resting upon them; for under trouble, occasioned by sin, nothing but Christ could quiet me: the view of my own works only increased it. And God, when he assisted me most therein, so guarded me against this, that he then always opened my eyes to see a world of sin in them; insomuch that I have as earnestly desired to be saved from my best duties, as ever I did from my worst sins: and whenever my heart inclined to lay some stress on duties spiritually perform’d, God stirred up in my soul a holy jealousy over my heart in this particular. 3. As to the power of sin, he hath brought me to an utter despair of relief from my own prayers, vows, or resolutions. 4. He hath been pleased to determine me to chuse the gospel-way of salvation, by resting on Christ for righteousness, sanctification, and redemption; as a way full of admirable mercy and wisdom; a way of great peace and security to sinners, and best suited to give glory to God. Upon these grounds, I conclude, that the Lord hath wrought faith in me, and will compleat my salvation. And because he hath determined me to chuse him, therefore I dare call him my God, my Saviour, my Sanctifier.
On January 23, 1701, he was accordingly married at Edinburgh, to Janet Watson, daughter of Mr. David Watson, of St. Andrews. By her he had nine children, three sons and six daughters, of whom one son and five daughters survived him.
8. In March, 1705, his then youngest child fell into a languishing illness: concerning whom he writes thus: “April 11. My child died: blessed be God, I have had a child to give at his call; and blessed be the Lord, that he helped me to give her willingly.”
In March 1712, his son George fell ill: I had often says he, given all my children up to God, and now it pleased him to try me in the tenderest point, whether I would stand to my resignation. I could not find freedom in a asking for his life, but much, in crying for mercy for him. Yet I cannot say, but the burthen was great upon me, till communing with a friend about the state of the church and religion, concern for God’s interest got the ascendant over that for my own, and from that time I found comfort: *and the nearer he was to his end, the more loosed I was from him, and the more chearful was my resignation: so that before his death, prayers were almost made up of praises, and he was set off with thanksgiving.