An EXTRACT of the
LIFE AND DEATH OF
Mr. THOMAS HALIBURTON.
PART ♦IV.
CHAPTER IV.
Of his death.
1.ON Wednesday, September 17, (and some days preceding) he was under great trouble of mind; and a friend asking him that morning, How he had rested in the night? He answered, “Not well. I have been this night sore tossed with the thoughts of eternity. I have been thinking on the Terribilia Dei¹, and all that is difficult in death to a Christian. All my enemies have been round about me. I had a great conflict, and faith was like to fail. O that I may be kept now in this last trial, from being an offence to his people!”
In the afternoon, when some of his brethren visited him, he said, “I am but young, and of little experience, but this death-bed now makes me old; therefore I use the freedom to exhort you to faithfulness in the Lord’s work. You will never repent this. He is a good master. I have always found him so. If I had a thousand lives I should think all too little to be employed in his service.”
2. Thursday, September 18. Being asked in the morning, How he was? He said, “O what a terrible conflict had I yesterday! But now I may say, I have fought the good fight, I have kept the faith. Now he hath put a new song in my mouth. Praise, praise is comely for the upright. Shortly I shall have another sight of God than ever I had, and be more fit to praise him than ever. O the thoughts of an incarnate God are sweet and ravishing! And, O! how do I wonder at myself, that I do not admire him more! O that I could honour him? What a wonder I enjoy such composure under these pains, and in view of approaching death! O, what a mercy, that I have the use of my reason, till I have declared his goodness to me!”
To his wife he said, “He came to me in the third watch of the night, walking upon the waters; and he said to me, I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end: I was dead, and am alive, and live for evermore and have the keys of death and hell. He stilled the tempest of my soul, and there is a sweet calm.”
When desired to be tender of his health, he said, “I’ll strive to last as long as I can. I have no more to do with my time, but to tepe it out¹ for the glory of God.” Then he said, “I shall see my Redeemer stand on the earth at the last day. But before then, I shall see the Lamb in the midst of the throne. O, it will be a glorious company, the spirits of just men made perfect, and Jesus the mediator of the new covenant! O, for grace! Grace to be patient to the end!”
Then he desired a minister to pray.
After prayer, he called for a little water to wash his eyes, and said, “I hope to get them washed shortly, and made like doves eyes, and then farewel sin, farewel sorrow.”
Then taking some refreshment, he said, “I get sleep from him, and food from him; and I shall get himself. My flesh and my heart faileth; but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.”
Seeing his youngest child, he said to her “Mary, my dear, the Lord bless you; the God of your father, and my father, bless you; the God that fed me all my life; the angel that redeemed me from evil, bless you and the rest, and be your portion; that is a good heritage, better then if I had crowns and scepters to leave you. My child, I received you from him, and I give you to him again.”
To his wife he said, “My dear encourage yourself in the Lord; he will keep you, though you even fall into enemies hands.” And then, declaring his willingness to part with his dearest relations, he said, “This is the practice of religion, to make use of it when we come to the pinch; this is a lesson of practical divinity.”
When the physician came, he said, “Doctor, as to this piece of work, you are near at an end of it. God be with you, and persuade you to be in earnest; I return you thanks for your diligence. Is my pulse low? I am well pleased it is. I would have been content to have been away long e’re now; a few strokes more, and victory, victory, forever, through the captain of our salvation!”
“Now get acquaintance with God. The little acquaintance I have had with God within these two days, has been better than ten thousand times the pains I have been at all my life about religion. It is good to have him to go to, when we are turning our face to the wall. He is known in Sion for a sure refuge, a very present help in trouble.”
“What a strange hardness there is in the hearts of men? But whether they will hear, or whether they will forbear, it is our duty to speak; and when we are dead and gone, what we spoke in the name of the Lord, may take hold of them.”
To his eldest child he said, “Ah, Margaret, you seem sometimes to have convictions from God. Beware of them; they are the most dangerous things you ever meddled with. Each of them is God’s messenger; and if you despise the messenger of God, he will be avenged of you.”
To a minister who came in he said, “I am waiting for the salvation of God.” He answered, “If the Lord would spare you it would be a mercy to this place.” He replied, “What can a poor wretch signify? I could do nothing: I signify nothing. But, I tell you, brother, what I have thought of long; I fear, from the taking off the servants of God at this time, that there is like to be a general overflowing consumption, running over not only this, but all the reformed churches.”
To the apothecary he said, “Study religion in youth: when you come to be as I am, you will find no comfort without it. I give you this as a solemn warning from God; if you come to be hardened by the frequent sight of men in my state, you may come to be hardened for ever.”
To three ministers he said, “My dear brethren, it is purely from a sincere love to you, that I presume to say, when God helped me to diligence in studying and meditating, I found him then remarkably shining upon me. There is nothing to be had with a slack hand. You are in an evil day. However, be ♦faithful and God will strengthen you for his own work, if you are faithful therein. You cannot, it is true, bring all persons to the Lord, but you may make their consciences, will they, or nill they, speak for the Lord.
“I repent continued he, I did not do more for him; but I have peace in it; what I did, I did in sincerity: he accepts of the mite. It was the delight of my heart to preach the gospel, and it made me sometimes neglect a frail body. I desired to decrease, that the bridegroom might increase, and to be nothing, that he might be all. And I rejoice in his highness.
*“Brethren, this is encouragement to you to try and go farther. Alas! I have gone no length; but would fain have gone farther: the hand of the diligent maketh rich. Much study, much prayer, temptations also, and distinct deliverances from temptations, are useful helps, I was fond enough of books; but I must say what God let me see of my ill heart, was of more use than all my books.” One said, “This is to believe and therefore to speak.” He replied, “The Lord help me to honour him. I desire no more. O that I had the tongues of men and angels to praise him! I hope shortly, to get a will to answer my duty, and ability to answer my will. O to be helped so, and to fear always! How soon should I fall, if he withdrew! But do not stumble, Sirs, though, I should be shaken. The foundation standeth sure.”
When advised to be quiet a little, he said, “How should a man bestow his last breath, but in commending the Lord Jesus Christ, God cloathed in our nature, dying for our sins!” And when again prest to be tender of his body, he said, “O but my heart is full!” And then desiring a minister to pray for him, he said, “Pray that God may have pity on a weak thing, that is not able to bear much in the conflict!”
To two other ministers he said, “Above all scan your own hearts, and make use of what discoveries you get there, to enable you to dive into consciences, to awaken hypocrites, and to separate the precious from the vile; and to do it with that accuracy, and caution, as not to make sad the hearts which God hath made glad!”
“With respect to the difference which this oath is like to make among ministers, with the greatest earnestness I say, whenever it begins, remember, difference is a hot thing; there must be condescension, tenderness and forbearance. We must not fly at the ball. Whatever apprehensions I have, of some ministers not acting conscientiously, and preaching in such a way as may do hurt; yet I would speak tenderly, and act tenderly toward them. Let there be much of the forbearance and meekness that is in Jesus. Follow peace: peace is worth much: wound not our church among her enemies. The deadly evil which I fear will ruin all, is, coldness and indifferency. Many seem to try, how far they may go without being lost; but the Christian’s rule is, to stand at a distance.”
To him who had succeeded him in the parish of Ceres, he said, “That people were my choice, to whom, with much peace and pleasure, I preached, as I could, though not as I should, the gospel of Christ. Though I own, that in all things I have sinned exceedingly before the Lord, yet I have peace, in that with much concern I aimed at leading them to the Lord Jesus. Tell them, that I die rejoicing in the faith and profession of what I often preached to them, under a low state of body. Tell them, that the gospel I preached to them, if they receive it not, will be a witness against them. We are, like our master, set for the fall and rising again of many. And if we can do no more, yet if we be faithful, they shall know, that a prophet hath been among them.”
*In the night-time he said, “This growing weakness of my eyes, is a sign of a change approaching. If he shut my eyes he will open my eyes: eyes no more to behold vanity. But I shall behold him in righteousness, and when I awake, I shall be satisfied with his likeness!”
*Afterwards he said, “If this be the last day of my conflict, I would humbly desire of the Lord, that he would condescend, to be tender to one that loves his appearing: that as he has dealt wonderfully with me hitherto, so he may deal tenderly with me even to the end, in loosing the pins of my tabernacle, and helping me to honour him by a composed resignation of myself into his hands.”
When one said, “Sir, I think you have need of rest:” He answered, “I have no need of rest, were it not to put me in case, to finish my course with joy. Lo, here the power of Christ’s death, and the efficacy of his resurrection! I find the advantage of one at the right-hand of God, who is able to save to the uttermost! That is the sight I long for: he will but shut my eyes, and open them in glory. To have my soul entirely submissive to him in all things, that is my desire. And, so it will be shortly; then never will there be a reluctant thought, never one more estranged thought from God!”
*To one who asked, if he was not faint, he answered, “I am not faint, I am refreshed as with wine. O there is a sweet calm in my soul. My desires are towards him, and the remembrance of his name. Remember him! Why should not I remember him, that remembered me in my low condition? He passed by and said, live! And when he says, he gives life.”
He then desired to have read the former part of the first chapter of the second epistle to the Corinthians. And after the 9th and 10th verses were read, We had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God which raiseth the dead: who delivered us from so great a death, and doth deliver, in whom we trust that he will yet deliver us. He said, “Now there ’tis all. God hath delivered me, and I trust that he will deliver me, and bruise Satan shortly under my feet, and I shall get the victory over the cunning world, and the deceitful heart. Many a weary day have I had with my unbelief! If I had had faith to believe things not seen, to believe that my happiness lay not in things temporal but eternal: if I had had faith’s abiding impression realizing these things, I should not have known how to abide out of heaven a moment.”
*When he was desired to sleep, he answered, “Those I am going to, sleep not day nor night, but cry, Holy, holy, holy! They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength, and mount up with wings as of an eagle. I cannot get my heart in a right tune, as I would have it; but it will be so in a short time.” After he had lain still a little, one said, “You have not slept.” He answered, “No; I had much work; but blessed be God, pleasant work.”
Afterwards, when his wife asked how he was, he said, “My dear, I am longing for the salvation of God, and hastening to it.” Then seeing her very sad, he said, “My dear, encourage yourself; here is a body going to clay, and a soul going to heaven; where I hope you are to come.”
*3. Friday, September 19. About five in the morning, when he was desired to try if he could sleep, he answered, “No, no; should I lie here altogether useless? Should not I spend the last of my strength, to shew forth his glory?” He then held up his hands (which were much swelled) and said, “Lame hands, and lame feet! But see a lame man leaping and rejoicing!”
*Feeling some pain, he said, “This is one of the fore-runners of the change, the great change. O when shall I be admitted to see the glory of the higher house? Instead of that cloudy light of a created sun, to see that clear and perfect glory!”
After some time’s silence, he took leave of his wife and children, saluting and speaking to them all, one by one. Then he said, “A kind and affectionate wife you have been to me. The Lord bless you, and he shall bless you.” To a minister that came in, he said, “Brother, I am upon a piece of trying work. I am parting with my wife and children. I am resolved, I bless his name; though I have had one of the best of wives, yet she is no more mine, but the Lord’s.”
*Then to his son he said, “God bless the lad, and let my name be named upon him. But O, what is my name! Let the name of the Lord be named upon him. Tell the generation following, how good God is, and hand down this testimony.”
After that, he spoke to his servants and said, “My dear friends, make religion your business. I charge you all, beware of graceless masters; seek to be with them that fear the Lord.”
Then he said, “Here’s a demonstration of the reality of religion; and that I a poor, weak, timorous man, once as much afraid of death as any: I that have been many years under the terrors of death, come now, in the mercy of God, and by the power of his grace, composedly and with joy to look death in the face. I have seen it in its paleness, and in all its circumstances of horror. I dare look it in the face in its most ghastly shape, and hope within a while to have the victory.”
He then said to some ministers, “My brethren, I have been giving up my wife and children to God. I am upon the wing for eternity; but glory to God, I know in whom I have believed.”
*Then he said, “Dear brethren, will you speak a word to one that longs to hear of him? O I love to hear the gospel, I love to preach it: ’Tis a joyful sound, a sweet sound. I love to hear of his name. His name is as ointment poured forth. I love to live preaching Christ; and I love to die preaching Christ.”
After that he said, “Brethren, I take this opportunity to acknowledge your tenderness to me, who am unworthy of it in many respects. I can say, I desired to live in love with you, and bless God, there was harmony among us. The Lord bless you and your labours: the Lord himself multiply blessings on you and your families, and support you against all discouragements.” Then to one of them he said, “My dear friend, shew kindness to my dear wife, and children. I recommend her to your care; she has been the friend of my bosom, the wife of my youth, a faithful friend.” Afterward he said, “Let patience have its perfect work. My soul longs more than they that wait for the morning. Lord Jesus make haste, until the day break, and the shadows flee away!”
4. After this, at his desire, a paper was read over, which he had dictated some days before. This he owned before several witnesses, and desired them to attest it. The tenor whereof follows.
Having before so disposed of my worldly concerns, as I judged expedient for my family; I thought myself bound, moreover, by this latter will, to declare my sentiments as to religion; being through the mercy of God, in the full and composed exercise of my reason, although very weak in body.
First, then, I acknowledge, I came into the world a defiled branch of apostate Adam, under the guilt of his sin, and tainted with the pollution of sin derived from him; having a heart full of alienation from, and enmity against God: in a word, a child of wrath, an heir of hell. And long did I follow the bent of this corrupt nature, going on from ill to worse: indeed I had ruined myself, and could do nothing for my own recovery; and must have been everlastingly lost, if God in tender mercy had not looked upon me.
I must, on the other hand, bless God who cast my lot in a land where the gospel of Christ is revealed; who so ordered it, that I was born of religious parents, and by them was seriously devoted to him. And whereas I early subjected myself to other lords, I adore God, that by his word and his spirit, he ceased not to strive with me, until in the day of his power he made me chearfully return to the God of my fathers.
I bless God, that when I stood trembling under the terrors of his law, he seasonably snatched me from despair, by discovering the blessed way of salvation for self-destroyed sinners through a dying Saviour. ’Tis he alone who must answer for me. Without him I am undone. On him the efficacy of his sufferings, the power of his resurrection, and of his whole mediation, as revealed in the gospel, do I build all my hope.
I bless God that ever he honoured such a sinful, unworthy worm, to preach the glorious gospel of his Son. I confess I have but ill managed this glorious trust, but have been a sinner in all I did exceedingly. Yet so far as I know my own heart, it was the life of my life, to preach Christ crucified; nor durst I deal coldly and indifferently in a matter whereon I knew depended both my own and my hearers salvation. And I must bear testimony to my master, that he never bid me go any part of my warfare upon my own charges. If I was straitened, it was in my own bowels; but when I freely gave what I had freely received, I never wanted seed for sowing, and bread for the eater, nor (I hope) a blessing.
I desire to join my insignificant testimony to that of the glorious cloud of witnesses, that the gospel is the power of God unto salvation, to every one that believeth; that the way of holiness is the way of pleasantness and peace; and the ordinances of the gospel, are the effectual means of communion and fellowship with the Father and the Son.
Indeed all in God’s way, and in his word, is glorious, honourable, and like himself: he needs none of our testimonies; but it is the least we can do to celebrate his praises. I therefore being in some sense obliged, take this solemn occasion, before all the world, to acknowledge these, among many other obligations, I have received from him. And to bequeath, as my last legacy to my family, this advice, to chuse the Lord for their God: for he hath been my father’s God, the God both of my wife’s predecessors and mine. We hope he hath been our God. And I recommend him to my children, solemnly charging them, as they will answer it at the last day, to make it their first care, to seek peace with God, and reconciliation through Christ crucified; and being reconciled, to make it their perpetual study to please him in all things. It is my repeated charge to you all, follow God; follow him early, follow him fully. I have oft devoted you, as I could, to God; and there is nothing I have so much at heart as to have this stand, that ye may indeed be the Lord’s. O that God himself may determine your tender hearts to seek him early, and he will be a good portion, and see well to you.
As for my body, I commit it to the dust under the care of the keeper of Israel; expecting and hoping that that quickning spirit, who is the spirit of the head, and actuates all the members of his mystical body, will in due time, quicken my mortal body: and for my spirit, I commit it unto the Lord Jesus, with whom I have entrusted it long ago: and I will end with Stephen, crying, Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.
Tho. Haliburton.
3. Soon after he said, “I confess God has been beating me in a mortar this long time; but he has been doing much work. My soul is even as a weaned child. I am loosed from all my enjoyments. My heart is disengaged even from my dearest wife and children, but I have put them in a good hand.”
To a friend he said, “There is a sweet composure in the Lord. The beams of the house are, as goodly cedar. I am laying down my tabernacle to resume it again. O for grace to be faithful unto death! After we have gone through many things, we have still need to wait on God till the last. For he that endureth to the end, the same shall be saved.”
Then he said to the physician, “I fancy my feet are growing cold: yea all the parts of this body are going to ruin. You may believe a man stepping into eternity. I am not acting as a fool. I have weighed eternity this night. I have looked on death in every circumstance that is terrible to nature. And under the view of all these, I found, that in the way of God there is not only a rational satisfaction, but a power that engages and rejoices the heart. I have narrow thoughts: I am like to be overwhelmed, and, I know not where I am, when I think on what I am to be, and what I am to see. I have long desired and prayed for it.”
*Some time after he said, “O sirs, I dread mightily, that a rational sort of religion is coming in among us, a religion that consists wholly in moral duties and ordinances, without the power of godliness, a way of serving God which is mere deism, having no relation to Jesus Christ and the Spirit of God.”
To a minister that came from Edinburgh, he said, “Come and see your friend in the best case you ever saw him in, longing for a deliverance, and hasting to the coming of the day of God. I sent for you, to encourage you to preach the gospel in an ill world, and to stand by Christ, who had been so good to me. This is the best pulpit that ever I was in. I am now laid on this bed for this end, that I may commend my Lord.”
6. Saturday, September 20. In the morning when a minister asked how he was, he answered, “I am composed, waiting for him.” He replied, “You see how kindly he deals with you: he gives you both heavenly exercise and heavenly enjoyments: he deals so tenderly with you, that you have little to do but to praise.” He answer’d, “I have reason to desire the help of all to praise him. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, magnify his holy name!”
To some entering the room, he said, “You are all very welcome. I am taking a little wine for refreshment. In awhile, I shall have new wine in the kingdom of his glory. I dare scarce allow my thoughts to fix directly upon it. I must look aside lest I be overwhelmed. But I must speak of him who hath done wonderful things for me, and kept me in a perfect calm. Verily, light is sown for the upright, and gladness for the true of heart. O when shall I conceive aright of glory! I cannot order my speech now, because of darkness! I long to behold it, but I will wait till he comes. I have experienced much of his goodness since I lay on this bed. I have found that tribulation worketh experience, and experience patience, and patience hope. And I have found the love of God shed abroad in my soul.” Then turning to his wife, he said, “My dear, encourage yourself in the hope, that under the conduct of the same captain of salvation, you will come thither also. Cast yourself and your family upon the Lord. Encourage yourself; God liveth. Blessed be my Redeemer, the rock of my salvation!”
*Then he said, “Who is like unto him? O, what has he allowed me this night! I know now the meaning of that, Whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, ye shall receive it. The Lord hath even allowed me to be very minute in every circumstance. Many a day have I feared, how I should get through the valley of the shadow of death: but now I fear not. Blessed be God, who, since I laid down here, hath carried on a work of sanctification far in my soul, that makes me meet for heaven! Young as I am, I die old and satisfied with days. The child is going to die an hundred years old. I am like a shock of corn, fully ripe. But, O, I have been under a bright sun, in a day when the sun of righteousness shone, and I have had glorious showers.”
After a little silence he said, “I have slept, and am refreshed. And now what shall I say? I can say no more to commend the Lord; not for want of matter, but of words. Well, Sirs, you’ll meet with difficulties; but this may encourage you, you see God owns his servants own him, and despise what his enemies can do against them?—God has kept my judgment for the best piece of work I ever had. O what of God do I see! I never saw any thing like it. The beginning and end of religion are wonderful sweet.” One said, “God’s dealing with you has been very uncommon.” He answered, “Very uncommon indeed, if you knew all that I know. But therein is the excellency of his power seen, in that he maketh the weak strong.”
A while after he said to those about him, “O this is the most honourable pulpit I was ever in! I am preaching the same Christ, the same holiness, the same happiness I did before. I have much satisfaction in that. I am not ashamed of the gospel I have preached. I was never ashamed of it in all my days; and I am not ashamed of it at the last. Here am I, a weak man, in the hand of the king of terrors, rejoicing in hope of the glory that shall be revealed; and that by the death and resurrection of a despised Christ. When the beginning of this trouble was upon me, I aim’d (as my strength would allow) at that, shew me some token for good; and indeed I think, God hath shewed me a token for good.”
Then perceiving his spirits faint, he said, “Come Lord Jesus, receive my spirit, fluttering within my breast like a bird to be out of a snare.—When shall I hear him say, The winter is past; arise my love and come away? Come and take me by the hand, That I stumble not in the dark valley of death!”
Then he desired a minister to pray; and after prayer said, “Lord, I wait for thy salvation. I wait as the watchman watcheth for the morning. I am weary with delays! O why are his chariot wheels so long a coming! I am sick of love. I am faint with delay!”
Then he said, “draw the curtains about me, and let me see what he has a mind to do with me:” And after a while, “Whence is this to me? There is a strange change within this half hour. Ah, I am like to be shipwrecked to health again? O what sort of providence is this? I was in hopes to have been at my journey’s end: and now I am detained by a cross wind. I desire to be patient under his hand; but he must open my heart to glorify him. O pray for me; pray for me; that none who fear him may be ashamed on my account.”
To the apothecary he said, “I thought to have been away, but I am come back again. I was glad to be gone; yet I am not wearied. He has not allowed a fretting thought. My pain is great; but I am enabled to bear it. O I am a monument of the power of God. My great desire has been these many years, to suffer for the truth of our religion. And now God has given me the greatest honour to be a living witness to it. I am a monument that we have not followed cunningly devised fables. I shall be at heaven shortly, by the word of my testimony, and the blood of the Lamb.” Then to a citizen he said, “There are but few names in this place, that set their faces heavenward. But be you encouraged to go on: you have been a kind neighbour; the Lord bless you and your family. They that are planted in the house of the Lord, shall flourish in the courts of our God. Here is an evidence of it. Last winter I thought I was going to be cast out as a withered branch, and now the dead stock that was cut has budded again, and grown a tall cedar in Lebanon.”
Then he said to the ministers, “I desire to hear the word read, the word preached. Many times, when I thought on the worthies of old, I said I was born out of due time: but now I think I am born in due time; for I shall see Jesus! Jesus that delivers from the wrath to come. I shall see Elijah and Moses, the great old testament prophets. I shall see the two great mediators, the type and the antitype. The three disciples got a glorious sight of Christ in his transfiguration, to confirm their faith against the objections of the unbelieving. Was he despised as a mere man and his godhead disowned? Lo, here he appears in divine majesty and glory! Did they say he was against the law? Lo, here Moses, by whom the law was given, adoring him. Did they say, he was not the Messiah foretold by the prophets? Lo, here Elijah the most zealous of them, owning and honouring him. Was he reproached as a deceiver of the people? Lo, the voice from heaven saith, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased: hear ye him. Yet this sight was of short continuance. But in heaven we shall have an abiding sight. We shall then behold his glory; and we shall be like unto him: for we shall see him as he is.—
“O! I am full of matter! I know not where to begin or end. The Spirit of the Lord, hath been mighty with me! O, the book of God is a strange book! ’Tis written within and without. I never studied it to the half of what I should: but now God hath given me much of it together.—Never was I more uneasy in my life: and yet I was never more easy. All my bones are ready to break; my hand is a burden to me; and yet all is easy!”
*Then to his wife, he said, “O my sweet bird, are you there? I am no more yours. I am the Lord’s. I remember on the day I took you by the hand, I thought on parting with you. But I knew not how to get my heart off of you again: yet now I have got it done. Will you not give me to the Lord, my dear?” Then seeing her very sad, he said, “My dear, do not weep: you should rather rejoice: rejoice with me, and let us exalt his name together. I shall be in the same family with you: but you must stay a little behind and take care of God’s children.”
*When wakened out of sleep, he said, “I am now hand in hand, grappling with my last enemy: and I find, he is a conquerable enemy; Yea, I am more than conqueror.” One said, “A strange champion indeed!” He answered, “I? Not I, but the grace of God that is in me. By the grace of God I am what I am; and the God of peace hath bruised Satan under my feet. I have often wondered how the martyrs could clap their hands in the fire: I do not wonder at it now. I could clap my hands, though you held burning candles to them, and think it no hardship, though the flames were going about them. And yet, were the Lord withdrawn, I should cry and not be able to bear it, if you but touched my foot.”
Sunday, September 21. About three in the morning he said, “And is it the sabbath then? This is the best sabbath I ever had. On a sabbath night my George went to his rest: I bestowed him on God: blessed be his name; and he made me content. I would have given him all my children that way; and I hope it shall be so: blessed be his name!”
*After a little pause he said, “Shall I forget Sion? Then let my right-hand forget her cunning. O, to have God returning to his church, and his work going on in the world! If every drop of my blood, every atom of my body, every hair of my head, were men, they should all go to the fire, to have this going on.”
*After that he said, “I could not believe that I could have borne, and borne chearfully this rod so long. This is a miracle, pain without pain. Blessed be God that ever I was born. I have a father, a mother, and ten brethren and sisters in heaven, and I shall be the eleventh. O blessed be the day that ever I was born! O if I were where he is! And yet for all this, God’s withdrawing from me, would make me as weak as water. All which I enjoy, though it be miracle upon miracle, would not make me stand without new supplies from God. The thing I rejoice in is, that God is altogether full, and that in Jesus Christ there is all the fulness of the Godhead.”
Then to his wife he said, “O wait upon him; for he is a good God to all that serve him. He never takes any thing from them, but he gives them as good or better back again. My dear, we have had many a sweet day together: we must part for a while; but we shall meet again, and shall have one work, the praises of God, and the praises of the Lamb!”
*Then to some present he said, “Do you think that he will come and receive the prisoner of hope to day? Whether he do it or no, he is holy and righteous; yet, I confess, I long for it. I do not tire. But the hireling longs for his wages. If in his adorable wisdom he try me further, holy and reverend is his name; he is not wanting to me. I desire only grace to be faithful unto death, until I come to the land of praises, to thy gates, O Jerusalem, to give thanks to the name of the God of Jacob.”
Then a minister asking, if he should pray? He answered, “Yea, yea, pray for me.” And after prayer he said, “This night my skin has burned, my heart has panted, my body has been bruised, and there is a sore upon me, that is racking my spirit: and yet I cannot say, but the Lord still holds me in health in the midst of all. If he should please to continue me years in this case, I have no reason to complain.” One said, “No hypocrite is able, in such a condition, to counterfeit such language.” He answered, “’Tis as great a wonder to me, as to any about me. Brother, I know not whether I may desire you to beg of the Lord, with respect to this poor body to shorten my trial, if it be his will: the hireling longs for his wages; but I have reason to do it with submission.
“I long for a deliverance from the body. But if God lengthen my trouble, then why not! Righteous is his name. I know not what alteration may be. I confess, I am like a bird on the wing: and I would fain be at Immanuel’s land, where the tree of life is.
*“Well, all this is encouragement to you, to acquaint yourselves with God. All these soft cloaths are like sackcloth to me; and yet I have perfect ease of spirit. My breast and my stomach are drawn all together, as it were with cords; and yet the mercy of God keeps me composed. What is this? I could scarce have believed, even tho’ I had been told, that I could have kept in the right exercise of my judgment, under this racking pain. Whatever come of it, this is a demonstration that there is a reality in religion; and I rejoice in this, that God hath honoured a sinful worm, so as to be a demonstration of his grace. My dear friends, while I live, I must preach the gospel. He has given me awhile yet here, which ought to be reckoned precious, and so long as it lasts, my work is still to commend him. The word speaks, providence speaks in me; despise not the gospel under this new discovery. I am a sinner; shame belongs to me: worthy is the Lamb to receive glory.”
To two ministers who stayed with him while the rest went to church, he said, “If my head would bear it, I would fain hear singing. I do not find any change, and God has in some measure taken away my inclination to limit him, as to the hour.” He then joined in singing the latter part of the 84th psalm; and after singing said, *“I always had a mistuned voice, and which is worse, a mistuned heart: but when I join the temple service above, there shall not be one string of the affections out of tune.”
To some that came from church he said, “You have been in the assembly of God’s people, wherein communion with the Father and Son may be attained. These enjoyments are some of the most valuable to be had here, and the way to the rest which remaineth for the people of God. O how amiable are thy tabernacles even here! But how much more so above, where there is the eagle’s eye, that can see the glorious light, even the light of the Lord!”
*Then to the ministers he said, “When this trouble began, I expected no smile from God. I thought if I could steal away, creeping with terrors, to be plunged into eternity with a peradventure, it was fair. But he hath taken me out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock. I am nothing, less than nothing, a vile sinner; but mercy does all.”
In the night he caused the songs of degrees to be read, and said, “These psalms are so called (say some) because they were sung on the steps of the stairs that led up to the temple. And what fitter to be read to a poor sinner, that aims at climbing up the hill of God, where the great temple of God is?”
*8. Monday, September 22. At half an hour past two, he asked what hour it was, and said, “Early in the morning my friends shall be acquainted; for I expect this cough will hasten my deliverance. Well, well; I shall get out of the dark cloud; within a little I shall be in Abraham’s bosom; yes, in his, who carries the lambs in his bosom: and I am sure of goodness and mercy to follow me. O how good is he to a poor worm! Let us exalt his name together. It is the constant employ of all above, day and night. They see and sing; they have a clear vision. O when shall I see his face, who is fairer than the sons of men! Yea, who is brighter than the sun in his strength!”
To a minister he said, “Could I have believed (but I am an unbeliever) that I could have had this pleasure in this condition? Once or twice Satan was assaulting my faith. I waked in a sort of carnal frame, and I thought I had lost my jewel; but now he will stand by me to the end. *What shall I render to him? My bones are riving through my skin; and yet all my bones are praising him.”
After struggling with a defluction in his throat, he said: “This is a messenger from God to hasten me home. The other day I would have gone away without this glorious evidence of the grace of God. But this is more for my advantage, that I am thus tried and comforted. I said, Why are his chariot wheels so long a coming? But I will not say so any more. Yet a little while, and he that shall come, will come, and will not tarry.”
Then he said, “If I should say that I would speak no more in the name of the Lord, it would be like a fire within my breast.” And some looking at him as in amaze, he said, “Why look ye stedfastly on me, as though by my might or power I were so? Not I, but the grace of God in me. ’Tis the Spirit of God that supports me.”
To his wife he said, “Be not discouraged, my dear, at the unavoidable consequences of nature. ’Tis an evidence that there is but a very little time more, and death will be swallowed up in victory: the body will be shaken in pieces, and yet, blessed be God, my head is as composed as it was before my sickness.”
*Then to some present he said, “My moisture is much exhausted this night, but the dew lies all night on my branches, the dew that waits not for man, nor tarries for the sons of men. O what cannot grace do? How have I formerly repined at the hundredth part of this trouble! O study the power of religion! ’Tis the power of religion, and not the name, will give the comfort I find. I have peace in the midst of pain. And, O how much of that I have had for a time past! My peace has been like a river, not a discomposed thought. There have been some little suggestions, when my enemies joined in a league together, and made their great assault upon me. I had then one assault, and I was like to fall. But since the Lord rebuked them, there is not a discomposed thought, but all is calm.”
To a gentlewoman he said, “You are come to see your old, dying friend; a wonder indeed, but a wonder of mercy. I am preaching still, and I would be so content to do, till these flesh and bones were wasted to nothing. *The God of glory appeared to me, and the first sight I had of him was such, as won my heart to him, so as it was ♦never loosed. Many wandrings I have had, but I was never myself, till I went back to my center again.” He then rattled a little in his throat, and said, “This may be irksome to you; but every messenger of death is pleasant to me, and I am only detained here, that I may trumpet forth his praise a little longer.”
*About noon he said, “I was just thinking on the pleasant spot of earth I shall get to lie in, beside Mr. Rutherford, Mr. Forrester, and Mr. Anderson. I shall come in as the little one among them, and I shall get my pleasant George in my hand; and O, we shall be a knot of bonny dust.” Then he said, “It will not be all my sore bones, that will make me weary yet (as long as God gives me judgment to conceive, and a tongue to speak) to preach his gospel.”
Then with the utmost warmth he broke out, “Strange, this body is sinking into corruption, and yet my intellectuals are so lively, that I cannot say there is the least alteration, the least decay of judgment or memory. Such vigorous actings of my spirit toward God, and things that are not seen! But not unto us; not unto us; which I must have still on my heart, lest cursed self steal the glory from God!”
Some time after he said, “Good is the will of the Lord. Every one of these throws is good; and I must not want one of them: I must not fly from my post, but stand as a centinel, for this is my particular work. This would be hard work without Christ: but ’tis easy with him who is the captain of my salvation.”
He mentioned the pain in his head, but said, “In a battle there must be blood and dust. Every battle of the warrior is with confused noise, and garments rolled in blood. ’Tis meet I should be so hard put to it, that I may know to whom I owe my strength. O that I were at the throne above, that my glimmering light were taken away, that this unsteady faith might terminate in vision!”
Then he said, “If I am able, though I cannot speak, I’ll shew you a sign of triumph, when I am near glory!”
To his wife he said, “My dear be not discouraged, though I should go away in a fainting fit. The Lord’s way is the best way. I am composed. Though my body be vexed, my spirit is untouched.”
*One said, “Now you are putting your seal to that truth, that godliness is great gain. And I hope you are encouraging yourself in the Lord.” As a sign of it, he lifted up his hands and clapped them. And in a little time, about seven in the morning, he went to the land, where the weary are at rest.