Hoa. O, as vain a thing as can be! you cannot commit a greater absurdity, sir. So, so; give me that hand now; before all these presents, I am friends for ever with thee.
Wit. Troth, and it were pity of my heart now, if I should bear you any grudge, i’faith.
Hoa. Content: I’ll send for thy uncle against the wedding dinner; we will be friends once again.
Wit. I hope to bring it to pass myself, sir.
Hoa. How now? is’t right, my masters?
First C. ’Tis something wanting, sir; yet it shall be sufficient.
Hoa. Why, well said; a good conscience makes a fine shew now-a-days. Come, my masters, you shall all taste of my wine ere you depart.
All the Cred. We follow you, sir.
Wit. I’ll try these fellows now. [Aside.]—A word, sir: what, will you carry me to that widow now?
First C. Why, do you think we were in earnest, i’faith? carry you to a rich widow? we should get much credit by that: a noted rioter! a contemptible prodigal! ’twas a trick we have amongst us to get in our money: fare you well, sir. [Exeunt Creditors.
Wit. Farewell, and be hanged, you short pig-haired, ram-headed rascals! he that believes in you shall ne’er be saved, I warrant him. By this new league I shall have some access[138] unto my love.
Joyce. Master Witgood!
Wit. My life!
Joyce. Meet me presently; that note directs you [throws him a letter]: I would not be suspected: our happiness attends us: farewell.
Wit. A word’s enough. [Exeunt severally.
SCENE V.
Damp. Trahe , trahito , draw the curtain; give me a sip of sack more.
Lam. Look you; did not I tell you he lay like the devil in chains, when he was bound for a thousand year?[139]
Spi. But I think[140] the devil had no steel bed-staffs; he goes beyond him for that.
Lam. Nay, do but mark the conceit of his drinking; one must wipe his mouth for him with a muckinder,[141] do you see, sir?
Spi. Is this the sick trampler?[142] why, he is only bed-rid with drinking.
Lam. True, sir. He spies us.
Dam. What, Sir Tristram? you come and see a weak man here, a very weak man.
Lam. If you be weak in body, you should be strong in prayer, sir.
Dam. O, I have prayed too much, poor man!
Lam. There’s a taste of his soul for you!
Spi. Faugh, loathsome!
Lam. I come to borrow a hundred pound of you, sir.
Dam. Alas, you come at an ill time! I cannot spare it, i’faith; I ha’ but two thousand i’ th’ house.
Aud. Ha, ha, ha!
Dam. Out, you gernative quean, the mullipood of villany, the spinner of concupiscency!
Sir L. Yea, gentlemen, are you here before us? how is he now?
Lam. Faith, the same man still: the tavern bitch has bit him i’ th’ head.[143]
Sir L. We shall have the better sport with him: peace.—And how cheers master Dampit now?
Dam. O, my bosom Sir Launcelot, how cheer I! thy presence is restorative.
Sir L. But I hear a great complaint of you, master Dampit, among gallants.
Dam. I am glad of that, i’faith: prithee, what?
Sir L. They say you are waxed proud a’ late, and if a friend visit you in the afternoon, you’ll scarce know him.
Dam. Fie, fie; proud? I cannot remember any such thing: sure I was drunk then.
Sir L. Think you so, sir?
Dam. There ’twas, i’faith; nothing but the pride of the sack; and so certify ’em.—Fetch sack, sirrah.
Boy. A vengeance sack you once!
Aud. Why, master Dampit, if you hold on as you begin, and lie a little longer, you need not take care how to dispose your wealth; you’ll make the vintner your heir.
Dam. Out, you babliaminy, you unfeathered, cremitoried quean, you cullisance of scabiosity!
Aud. Good words, master Dampit, to speak before a maid and a virgin!
Dam. Hang thy virginity upon the pole of carnality!
Aud. Sweet terms! my mistress shall know ’em.
Lam. Note but the misery of this usuring slave: here he lies, like a noisome dunghill, full of the poison of his drunken blasphemies; and they to whom he bequeaths all, grudge him the very meat that feeds him, the very pillow that eases him. Here may a usurer behold his end: what profits it to be a slave in this world, and a devil i’ th’ next?
Dam. Sir Launcelot, let me buss thee, Sir Launcelot; thou art the only friend that I honour and respect.
Sir L. I thank you for that, master Dampit.
Dam. Farewell, my bosom Sir Launcelot.
Sir L. Gentlemen, and[144] you love me, let me step behind you, and one of you fall a-talking of me to him.
Lam. Content.—Master Dampit——
Dam. So, sir.
Lam. Here came Sir Launcelot to see you e’en now.
Dam. Hang him, rascal!
Lam. Who? Sir Launcelot?
Dam. Pythagorical rascal!
Lam. Pythagorical?
Dam. Ay, he changes[145] his cloak when he meets a sergeant.
Sir L. What a rogue’s this!
Lam. I wonder you can rail at him, sir; he comes in love to see you.
Dam. A louse for his love! his father was a comb-maker; I have no need of his crawling love: he comes to have longer day,[146] the superlative rascal!
Sir L. ’Sfoot, I can no longer endure the rogue!—Master Dampit, I come to take my leave once again, sir.
Dam. Who? my dear and kind Sir Launcelot, the only gentleman of England? let me hug thee: farewell, and a thousand.[147]
Lam. Compos’d of wrongs and slavish flatteries!
Sir L. Nay, gentlemen, he shall shew you more tricks yet; I’ll give you another taste of him.
Lam. Is’t possible?
Sir L. His memory is upon departing.
Dam. Another cup of sack!
Sir L. Mass, then ’twill be quite gone! Before he drink that, tell him there’s a country client come up, and here attends for his learned advice.
Lam. Enough.
Dam. One cup more, and then let the bell toll: I hope I shall be weak enough by that time.
Lam. Master Dampit——
Dam. Is the sack spouting?
Lam. ’Tis coming forward, sir. Here’s a country man, a client of yours, waits for your deep and profound advice, sir.
Dam. A coxcombry, where is he? let him approach: set me up a peg higher.
Lam. [to Sir Laun.] You must draw near, sir.
Dam. Now, good man fooliaminy, what say you to me now?
Sir L. Please your good worship, I am a poor man, sir——
Dam. What make you in my chamber then?
Sir L. I would entreat your worship’s device[148] in a just and honest cause, sir.
Dam. I meddle with no such matters; I refer ’em to master No-man’s office.
Sir L. I had but one house left me in all the world, sir, which was my father’s, my grandfather’s, my great-grandfather’s, and now a villain has unjustly wrung me out, and took possession on’t.
Dam. Has he such feats? Thy best course is to bring thy ejectione firmæ , and in seven year thou mayst shove him out by the law.
Sir L. Alas, an’t please your worship, I have small friends and less money!
Dam. Hoyday! this geer will fadge well:[149] hast no money? why, then, my advice is, thou must set fire a’ th’ house, and so get him out.
Lam. That will break strife, indeed.
Sir L. I thank your worship for your hot counsel, sir.—Altering but my voice a little, you see he knew me not: you may observe by this, that a drunkard’s memory holds longer in the voice than in the person. But, gentlemen, shall I shew you a sight? Behold the little dive-dapper[150] of damnation, Gulf the usurer, for his time worse than t’other.
Lam. What’s he comes with him?
Sir L. Why Hoard, that married lately the widow Medler.
Lam. O, I cry you mercy, sir.
Hoa. Now, gentlemen visitants, how does master Dampit?
Sir L. Faith, here he lies, e’en drawing in, sir, good canary as fast as he can, sir; a very weak creature truly, he is almost past memory.
Hoa. Fie, master Dampit! you lie lazing a-bed here, and I come to invite you to my wedding-dinner: up, up, up!
Dam. Who’s this? master Hoard? who hast thou married, in the name of foolery?
Hoa. A rich widow.
Dam. A Dutch widow?[151]
Hoa. A rich widow; one widow Medler.
Dam. Medler? she keeps open house.
Hoa. She did, I can tell you, in her t’other husband’s days; open house for all comers; horse and man was welcome, and room enough for ’em all.
Dam. There’s too much for thee then; thou mayst let out some to thy neighbours.
Gulf. What, hung alive in chains? O spectacle! bed-staffs of steel? O monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens, cui lumen ademptum! [152] O Dampit, Dampit, here’s a just judgment shewn upon usury, extortion, and trampling[153] villany!
Sir L. This [is] excellent, thief rails upon the thief!
Gulf. Is this the end of cut-throat usury, brothel, and blasphemy? now mayst thou see what race a usurer runs.
Dam. Why, thou rogue of universality, do not I know thee? thy sound is like the cuckoo, the Welch ambassador:[154] thou cowardly slave, that offers to fight with a sick man when his weapon’s down! rail upon me in my naked bed? why, thou great Lucifer’s little vicar! I am not so weak but I know a knave at first sight: thou inconscionable rascal! thou that goest upon Middlesex juries, and wilt make haste to give up thy verdict[155] because thou wilt not lose thy dinner! Are you answered?
Gulf. An’t were not for shame—— [Draws his dagger.
Dam. Thou wouldst be hanged then.
Lam. Nay, you must exercise patience, master Gulf, always in a sick man’s chamber.
Sir L. He’ll quarrel with none, I warrant you, but those that are bed-rid.
Dam. Let him come, gentlemen, I am armed: reach my close-stool hither.
Sir L. Here will be a sweet fray anon; I’ll leave you, gentlemen.
Lam. Nay, we’ll along with you.—Master Gulf——
Gulf. Hang him, usuring rascal!
Sir L. Push,[156] set your strength to his, your wit to his!
Aud. Pray, gentlemen, depart; his hour’s come upon him.—Sleep in my bosom, sleep.
Gulf. A little thing would make me beat him now he’s asleep.
Sir L. Mass, then ’twill be a pitiful day when he wakes! I would be loath to see that day: come.
Gulf. You overrule me, gentlemen, i’faith. [Exeunt.
ACT V. SCENE I.
Luc. I shall have great joy there when he has borne away the widow!
Wit. Why, la, I thought where I should find you presently: uncle, a’ my troth, ’tis nothing so.
Luc. What’s nothing so, sir? is not he married to the widow?
Wit. No, by my troth, is he not, uncle.
Luc. How?
Wit. Will you have the truth on’t? he is married to a whore, i’faith.
Luc. I should laugh at that.
Wit. Uncle, let me perish in your favour if you find it not so; and that ’tis I that have married the honest woman.
Luc. Ha! I’d walk ten mile a’ foot to see that, i’faith.
Wit. And see’t you shall, or I’ll ne’er see you again.
Luc. A quean, i’faith? ha, ha, ha! [Exeunt.
SCENE II.
Hoa. Pup, pup, pup, pup, I like not this wine: is there never a better tierce in the house?
Host. Yes, sir, there are as good tierce[s] in the house as any are in England.
Hoa. Desire your mistress, you knave, to taste ’em all over; she has better skill.
Host. Has she so? the better for her, and the worse for you. [Aside, and exit.
Hoa. Arthur!
Is the cupboard of plate set out?[158]
Arth. All’s in order, sir. [Exit.
Hoa. I am in love with my liveries every time I think on ’em; they make a gallant shew, by my troth. Niece!
Joyce. Do you call, sir?
Hoa. Prithee, shew a little diligence, and overlook the knaves a little; they’ll filch and steal today, and send whole pasties home to their wives: and[159] thou be’st a good niece, do not see me purloined.
Joyce. Fear it not, sir—I have cause: though the feast be prepared for you, yet it serves fit for my wedding-dinner too.[160] [Aside, and exit.
Hoa. Master Lamprey and master Spichcock, two the most welcome gentlemen alive! your fathers and mine were all free a’ th’ fishmongers.
Lam. They were indeed, sir. You see bold guests, sir; soon entreated.
Hoa. And that’s best, sir.
How now, sirrah?
Ser. There’s a coach come to th’ door, sir. [Exit.
Hoa. My Lady Foxtone, a’ my life!—Mistress Jane Hoard! wife!—Mass, ’tis her ladyship indeed!
Madam, you are welcome to an unfurnished house, dearth of cheer, scarcity of attendance.
L. Fox. You are pleased to make the worst, sir.
Hoa. Wife!
L. Fox. Is this your bride?
Hoa. Yes, madam.—Salute my Lady Foxtone.
Court. Please you, madam, awhile to taste the air in the garden?
L. Fox. ’Twill please us well.
Lam. So we bachelors think, that are not troubled with them.
Ser. Your worship’s brother, with other ancient gentlemen,[161] are newly alighted, sir. [Exit.
Hoa. Master Onesiphorus Hoard? why, now our company begins to come in.
My dear and kind brother, welcome, i’faith.
Ones. H. You see we are men at an hour, brother.
Hoa. Ay, I’ll say that for you, brother; you keep as good an hour to come to a feast as any gentleman in the shire.—What, old master Limber and master Kix! do we meet, i’faith, jolly gentlemen?
Lim. We hope you lack guess,[162] sir?
Hoa. O, welcome, welcome! we lack still such guess as your worships.
Ones. H. Ah, sirrah brother, have you catched up widow Medler?
Hoa. From ’em all, brother; and I may tell you I had mighty enemies, those that stuck sore; old Lucre is a sore fox, I can tell you, brother.
Ones. H. Where is she? I’ll go seek her out: I long to have a smack at her lips.
Hoa. And most wishfully, brother, see where she comes.
Give her a smack[163] now we may hear it all the house over. [Courtesan and Ones. H. start and turn away.
Court. O heaven, I am betray’d! I know that face.
Hoa. Ha, ha, ha! why, how now? are you both ashamed?—Come, gentlemen, we’ll look another way.
Ones. H. Nay, brother, hark you: come, you’re disposed to be merry.
Hoa. Why do we meet else, man?
Ones. H. That’s another matter: I was ne’er so ’fraid in my life but that you had been in earnest.
Hoa. How mean you, brother?
Ones. H. You said she was your wife.
Hoa. Did I so? by my troth, and so she is.
Ones. H. By your troth, brother?
Hoa. What reason have I to dissemble with my friends, brother? if marriage can make her mine, she is mine. Why—— [Onesiphorus Hoard is about to retire. Ones. H. Troth, I am not well of a sudden: I must crave pardon, brother; I came to see you, but I cannot stay dinner, i’faith.
Hoa. I hope you will not serve me so, brother?
Lim. By your leave, master Hoard——
Hoa. What now? what now? pray, gentlemen:—you were wont to shew yourselves wise men.
Wit. Why, la, you are so hard a’ belief, uncle! by my troth, she’s a whore.
Luc. Then thou’rt a knave.
Wit. Negatur argumentum, uncle.
Luc. Probo tibi, nephew: he that knows a woman to be a quean must needs be a knave; thou sayst thou knowest her to be one; ergo , if she be a quean, thou’rt a knave.
Wit. Negatur sequela majoris, uncle; he that knows a woman to be a quean must needs be a knave; I deny that.
Hoa. Lucre and Witgood, you’re both villains; get you out of my house!
Luc. Why, didst not invite me to thy wedding-dinner?
Wit. And are not you and I sworn perpetual friends before witness, sir, and were both drunk upon’t?
She that tastes not sin before [twenty], twenty to one but she’ll taste it after: most of you old men are content to marry young virgins, and take that which follows; where,[167] marrying one of us, you both save a sinner and are quit from a cuckold for ever:
Wit. Alas, sir, I was pricked in conscience to see her well bestowed, and where could I bestow her better than upon your pitiful worship? Excepting but myself, I dare swear she’s a virgin; and now, by marrying your niece, I have banished myself for ever from her: she’s mine aunt now, by my faith, and there’s no meddling with mine aunt, you know: a sin against my nuncle.[168]