SCENE II.
Gli. The tedious night is past, and the jocund morn looks more lively and fresh than an old gentlewoman’s glazed face in a new periwig. By this time my humorous lover is at Gravesend; and I go with more joy to fetch his trunk than ever the valiant Trojans did to draw in the Grecian jade: his goods shall into the walls of my Troy, and be offered to a face more lovely[226] than ever was that thrice-ravished Helen[’s]; yet with such caution that no danger shall happen to me. [Exit.
SCENE III.
Gud. Master Lipsalve, welcome within ken: we two are so nearly linked, that if thou beest absent but one two hours, thy acquaintance grows almost mouldy in my memory.
Lip. And thine[227] fly-blown in mine: how dost thou do?
Shr. Fellow page, I think our acquaintance runs low too; but if it run not o’ the lees, let’s set it a-tilt, and give ’em some dregs to their mouldy, fly-blown compliments.
Per. No, rather let’s pierce the rundlets of our running heads, and give ’em a neat cup of wagship to put down their courtship.
Shr. Courtship? cartship! for the tongues of complimenters run on wheels: but mark ’em; they ha’ not done yet.
Gud. And, i’faith, how is’t? methinks thou hast been a long vagrant.
Lip. The rogation[228] hath been long indeed: therefore we may salute as ceremoniously as lawyers when they meet after a long vacation, who, to renew the discontinued state tale, they stretch it out with such length, that whilst they greet before, their clients kiss them behind.
Shr. If his nose were put i’ the remainder of that state tale, he would say ’twere an unsavoury one.
Per. I wonder why many men gird[229] so at the law.
Gud. But what news now? how stands the state of things at Brussels?
Lip. Faith, weak and limber, weak and limber: nothing but pride and double-dealing: virtue is vice’s lackey; beggars suck like horse-leeches at the heart of bounty, and leave him[230] so tired and spur-galled that he can be no longer ridden with honesty.
Shr. I’ll tell thee, because they themselves have neither law nor conscience.
Gud. Well fare the city yet! there virtue rides a cockhorse, cherished and kept warm in good sables and fox-fur, and with the breath of his nostrils drives pride and covetousness before him, like’s own shadow: beggars have whipping cheer: bounty obliges[231] men to’t; and liberality gives money for scrips and scrolls, sealed with strong arms and heraldry to outlive mortality: love there will see the last man born, never give over while there’s an arrow i’ th’ quiver.
Lip. Now we talk of love, I do know, not far hence, so good a subject for that humour, that if she would wear but the standing collar and her things in fashion, our ladies in the court were but brown sugar-candy, as gross as grocery to her.
Gud. She is not so sweet as a ’pothecary’s shop, is she?
Lip. A plague on you! ha’ you so good a scent?—For my life, he’s my rival. [Aside.
Gud. Her name begins with mistress Purge, does it not?
Lip. True, the only comet of the city.
Gud. Ay, if she would let her ruffs stream out a little wider: but I am sure she is ominous to me; she makes civil wars and insurrections in the state of my stomach: I had thought to have bound myself from love, but her purging comfits make[232] me loose-bodied still.
Lip. What, has she ministered to thee then?
Gud. Faith, some lectuary[233] or so.
Lip. Ay, I fear she takes too much of that lectuary to stoop to love; it keeps her body soluble from sin: she is not troubled with carnal crudities nor the binding of the flesh.
Gud. Thou hast sounded her then, belike.
Lip. Not I, I am too shallow to sound her; she’s out of my element: if I shew passion and discourse of love to her, she tells me I am wide from the right scope; she says she has another object, and aims at a better love than mine.
Gud. O, that’s her husband.
Lip. No, no; she speaks pure devotion: she’s impenetrable; no gold or oratory, no virtue in herbs nor no physic will make her love.
Gud. More is the pity, I say, that fair women should prove saints before age had made them crooked.—’Tis my luck to be crossed still, but I must not give over the chase. [Aside.
Lip. Come hither, boy, while I think on’t.
Gud. Faith, friend Lipsalve, I perceive you would fain play with my love. A pure creature ’tis, for whom I have sought every angle[234] of my brain; but either she scorns courtiers, as most of them do, because they are given to boast of their doings, or else she’s exceeding strait-laced: therefore to prevent[235] this smell-smock, I’ll to my friend doctor Glister, a man exquisite in th’ art magic, who hath told me of many rare experiments available in this case. [Aside.]—Farewell, friend Lipsalve.
Lip. Adieu, honest Gregory: frequent my lodging; I have a viol de gambo and good tobacco. [Exeunt Gudgeon and Periwinkle.]—Thou wilt do this feat, boy?
Shr. Else knock my head and my pate together.
Lip. Away then: bid him bring his measure with him. [Exit Shrimp.]— Gerardine is travelled, and I must needs be cast into his mould. My flesh grows proud; and Maria’s a sweet wench, &c.[236] But yet I must not let fall my suit with mistress Purge, lest, sede vacante, my friend Gudgeon join issue:
SCENE IV.
Mis. G. I pray,[238] let’s have no polluted feet nor rheumatic chaps enter the house; I shall have my floor look more greasy shortly than one of your inn-of-court dining-tables.—And now to you, good niece, I bend my speech. Let me tell you plainly, you are a fool to be love-sick for any man longer than he is in your company: are you so ignorant in the rules of courtship, to think any one man to bear all the prick and praise?[239] I tell thee, be he never so proper, there is another to second him.
Mis. G. No marvel[242] sure you should regard these men with such reverend opinion: there’s few good faces and fewer graces in any of them: if one among a multitude have a good pair of legs, he never leaves riding the ring till he has quite marred the proportion: nay, some, as I have heard, wanting lineaments to their liking and calf to support themselves, are fain to use art, and supply themselves with quilted calves, which oftentimes, in revelling, fall about their ankles; and for their behaviour, wit, and discourse, except some few that are travelled, it is as imperfectious and silly as your scholars new come from the university. By this light, I think we lose part of our happiness, when we make these weathercocks our equals.
Vial.[246] Here’s Club, forsooth, and his fellow ’prentice have brought master Gerardine’s trunk.
Mis. G. Let them come in if their feet be clean. [Exit Vial.]—So, then, your best-beloved is gone; fair weather after him! all thy passions[247], go with him! recomfort thyself, wench, in a better choice: his love to thee would have been of no longer continuance than the untrussing of his hose;[248] then why shouldst thou pine for such a one?
Mis. G. Honest Club, welcome: is this master Gerardine’s trunk? he is gone then?
Club. Ay, indeed, mistress Glister, he is departed this transitory city, but his whole substance is here enclosed; which, by command, we here deliver to your custody, to the use of mistress Maria, according to the tenour of the premises.
Mis. G. Place it here, my honest Club: well done: and how does thy mistress? was she at the Family to-day? [Club spits.] Spit not, good Club, I cannot abide it.
Club. Not to-day, forsooth; she hath overcharged herself and her memory: she means to use a moderation, and take no more than she can make use of.
Mis. G. And, I prithee, Club, what kind of creatures are these Familists? thou art conversant with them.
Club. What are they? with reverence be it spoken, they are the most accomplished creatures under heaven; in them is all perfection.
Mis. G. As how, good Club?
Club. Omitting their outward graces, I’ll shew you only one instance, which includes all other; they love their neighbours better than themselves.
Mis. G. Not than themselves, Club.
Club. Yes, better than themselves; for they love them better than their husbands, and husband and wife are all one; therefore, better than themselves.
Mis. G. This is logic: but tell me, doth she not endeavour to bring my doctor of her side and fraternity?
Club. Let him resolve[249] that himself, for here he comes.
Gli. O, hast thou brought the trunk, honest Club? I commend thy honest care: here’s for thy pains. [Giving money.
Club. I thank you, master doctor; you are free and liberal still: you’ll command me nothing back?
Gli. Nothing but commendations: farewell. [Exeunt Club and Apprentice.]—Your sweetheart Gerardine is by this time cold of his hope to enjoy thee: he’s gone; and a more equal and able husband shall my care ere long provide thee.—What clients have been here in my absence, wife?
Mis. G. Faith, mouse,[250] none that I know more than an old woman that had lost her cat, and came to you for a spell in the recovery.
Gli. I think egregious ignorance will go near to save this age; their blindness takes me for a conjuror: yesterday a justice of peace salutes me with proffer of a brace of angels[251] to help him to his footcloth,[252] some three days before stolen, and was fain to use his man’s cloak instead on’t.
Vial. Here’s a gentleman craves speech with you, sir.
Gli. Go in, sweet wife, and give my niece good counsel.
—His name?
Vial. He will not tell it me.
Gli. His countenance?
Vial. I can see nothing but his eyes: the rest of him is so wrapt in cloak that it suffers no view.
Gli. Admit him. [Exit Vial.]—What should he be for a man?[253]
What, master Lipsalve, is’t you? why thus obscured? what discontent overshadows you?
Lip. A discontent indeed, master doctor, which to shake off I must have you extend your art to the utmost bounds. You physicians are as good as false doors behind hangings to ladies’ necessary uses: you know the very hour in which they have neither will to deny nor wit to mistrust: faith now, by the way, when are women most apt?
Gli. Shall I unbutton myself unto you? after the receipt of a purgation, for then are their pores most open: but what creature of a courtier is it hath drawn your head into the woodcock’s noose?
Lip. A courtier? nay, by this flesh, I am clean fallen out with them; they have nothing proportionable.
Gli. O, I perceive, then, ’tis some city star that attracts your aspect.
Lip. He knows by his art. [Aside.]—In plain terms, a certain ’pothecary’s wife.
Gli. Upon my life, mistress[254] Purge: I smell you, sir.
Lip. You may smell a man after a purgation: indeed, sir, ’tis she. Now, for that fame hath bruited[255] you to be a man expert in necromancy, I would endear[256] myself to you for ever, would you vouchsafe to let one of your spirits bring mistress Purge into some convenient place, where I might enjoy her: I have heard of the like: can you perform this?
Gli. With much facility, I assure you: but you must understand that the apparition of a spirit is dreadful, and withal covetous, and with no small sum of gold hired to such feats.
Vial. Sir, here’s another gentleman, muffled too, that desires present conference with you.
Gli. Walk you into that room: I will bethink myself for your good, and instantly resolve[257] you. [Exit Lipsalve.]—Let the gentleman come in. [Exit Vial.]—Lipsalve in love with my vessel of ease? come to me to help him to a morsel most affected by mine own palate? No more but so: I have shaped it; the conceit tickles me.
Sir, as a stranger I welcome you—what, master Gudgeon, have I caught you? I thought it was a gallant that walked muffled: come, let me behold you at full; here are no sergeants, man.
Gud. Master doctor, this my obscure coming requires an action more obscure; and, in brief, this ’tis. Sir, you are held a man far seen in nature’s secrets; I know you can effect many things almost impossible: know, then, I love mistress Purge, and opportunity favours me not, nor indeed is she so tractable as I expected: if either by medicine or your art magical you can work her to my will, I have a poor gallant’s reward, sir.
Gli. That’s just nothing. [Aside.]—But how, sir, would you have me to procure you access to mistress Purge? you never knew a physician a bawd.
Gud. Why, by conjuration, I tell you, wherein you are said to be as well practised as in physic: here’s the best part of my present store to effect it.
Gli. Not a penny for myself; but my spirits, indeed, they must be feed.[258] Walk you by here, while I think upon a spell. [Gudgeon retires.]—What mystery should this be? Lipsalve and Gudgeon both in love with mistress Purge, and come to me to help ’em by art magic? ’Tis some gullery sure; yet, if my invention hold, I’ll fit them.—Who’s within there?
Fetch me, in all haste, two good whips; I think you may have them not far hence. [Exit Servant.]—It shall be so. [Aside.]—Now, tell me, master Gudgeon, does no man know of your love to mistress Purge?
Gud. Not a man, by my gentry.
Gli. Then, sir, know I’ll effect it; but understand withal the apparition will be most horrid if it appear in his proper form, and will so amaze and dull your senses, that your appetite will be lost and weak, though mistress Purge should attend it naked. Now, sir, could you name a friend with whom you are most conversant, in his likeness should the spirit appear.
Gud. Of all men living my conversation is most frequent with Lipsalve the courtier.
Gli. ’Tis enough: I’ll to my spirit. [Gudgeon retires, and Glister writes a few words.]—Are these whips come there?
Ser. Ready here, sir. [Exit.
Gli. So, lie thou[260] there. My noble gallants, I’ll so firk you! [Aside.]—Sir, my spirit agrees in Lipsalve’s shape: to-morrow, ’twixt the hours of four and five, shall mistress Purge be rapt with a whirlwind into Lipsalve’s chamber: that’s the fittest place, for, by the break of day, Lipsalve shall be mounted and forsake the city for three days; so my spirit resolves[261] me. Now, sir, by my art, at that very hour shall his chamber-door fly open; into which boldly enter in this sort accoutred; put me on a pure clean shirt, leave off your doublet (for spirits endure nothing polluted), take me this whip in your hand, and, being entered, you shall see the spirit in Lipsalve’s shape, in the self-same form that you appear; speak these words here ready written [giving a paper], take three bold steps forward, then whip him soundly, who straight vanisheth, and leaves mistress Purge to your will.
Gud. Ay, but shall your spirit come armed with a whip too?
Gli. He shall, but have no power to strike.
Gud. Is this infallible? have you seen the proof?
Gli. Probatum, upon my word; I have seen the experience: if it fail, say I am a fool, and no magician.
Gud. Master doctor, I would you had some suit at court; by the faith of a courtier, I would beg it for you. Fare you well, sir: I shall report of you as I find your charm.
Gli. And no otherwise, sir: let me understand how you thrive. [Exit Gudgeon.]—Ha, ha, ha! Now to my friend Lipsalve: I must possess him with the same circumstance; wherein I am assured to get perpetual laughter in their follies and my revenge. [Exit.
ACT III. SCENE I.
But who comes here?[272] Monstrum horrendum! my nostrils have the rank scent of knavery. Maria, let’s remove ourselves to the window, and observe this piece of man’s flesh. [Scene closes.
SCENE II.
Lip. Now, mistress Maria, ward yourself: if my strong hope fail not, I shall be with you to bring——
Shr. To bring what, sir? some more o’ your kind?
Lip. Faith, boy, that’s mine aim.
Shr. I’ll be sworn, sir, you have a good loose;[273] you let fly at ’em a-pace.
Lip. I have shot fair and far off; but now I hope to hit the mark indeed.
Shr. God save it!
Lip. But where’s the sign?
Shr. Why, there.
Lip. That’s a special thing to be observed.
Shr. I have heard talk of the Gemini: methinks, that should be a star favourable to your proceeding.
Lip. The Gemini? O, I apprehend thee: that’s because I am so like Gerardine; ha, is’t not so, boy?
Shr. As if you were spit out on’s mouth, sir; you must needs be like him, for you are both cut out of a piece. But, lord, sir, how you hunt this chase of love! are you not weary?
Lip. Indefatigable, boy, indefatigable.
Shr. Fatigable, quoth you? you may call it leanable well enough, for I am sure it is able to make a man lean.
Lip. ’Tis my vocation, boy; we must never be weary of well-doing: love’s as proper to a courtier as preciseness to a puritan.