Pur. ’Tis now come to a whisper. What young Familists be these? i’faith, I’ll make one; I’ll trip you, wife: I scent your footing, wife.
Lip. We shall with much diligence observe it.
Pur. I fear I shall have small cause to thank that diligence: but do your worst;
They are going: follow, Purge, close, close and softly, like a horsekeeper in a lady’s matted chamber at midnight. [Aside.
[Within]. Who knocks?
Mis. P. Brethren, and a Sister in the Family.
[Within]. Enter in peace.
Pur. Brethren, and a Sister! that’s the word. How beastly was I mistaken last day! I should have said, A Brother in the Family, and I said, A Familiar Brother; for which I and my family were thrust out of doors: but, as Titus Silus of Holborn Bridge most learnedly was wont to say, qd——[329] [Knocks.
Within]. Who’s there?
Pur. A Brother in the Family.
[Within]. Enter, and welcome.
SCENE II.
And see, in most wished occasion, Dryfat the merchant presents himself.
Sir, in the best of hours met: my thoughts had marked you out for a man most apt to do them the fairest of offices.
Dry. What! art thou a Welsh carrier or a northern landlord, thou’rt so saucy?
Ger. Is’t possible, sir, my disguise should so much fool your knowledge? How? a northern landlord? can you think I get my living by a bell and a clack-dish?[334]
Dry. By a bell and a clack-dish? how’s that?
Ger. Why, by begging, sir. Know you me now?
Dry. Master Gerardine, disguised and ashore! nay, then I smell a rat.
Ger. Master Dryfat, shall I repose some trust in you? will you lay by awhile your city’s precise humour? will you not deceive me?
Dry. If I deceive your trust, the general plague seize me! that is, may I die a cuckold.
Ger. And I say thou shalt die a true citizen, if thou conceal it: and thus in brief. It stands with thy knowledge how seriously I have and do still affect Maria: now, sir, I have so wrought it, that if thou couldst procure me a fellow that could serve instead of a crier, I myself would play Placket the paritor,[335] and summon doctor Glister and Maria to appear at thy house: and as I play[336] the paritor, so wouldst thou but assume the shape of a proctor, I should have the wench, thou the credit, and the whole city occasion of discourse this nine days.
Dry. How’s this, how’s this? I should procure a fellow to play the crier,[337] and I myself should play the proctor? but upon what occasion should they be summoned?
Ger. Upon an accusation that doctor Glister should get Maria, his niece, with child, and have bastards in the country, which I have a trick to make probable.
Dry. And now I recall it to memory, I heard somewhat to that effect last night in master Beardbush the barber’s shop: but how will this sort? who shall accuse him?
Ger. Refer that to me, I say, be that my care: all shall end in merriment, and no disgrace touch either of their reputations.
Dry. Then take both word and hand, ’tis done: Club, mistress Purge’s ’prentice, shall be the crier.[338]
Ger. O my most precious Dryfat! may none of thy daughters prove vessels with foul bungholes, or none of thy sons hogsheads, but all true and honourable Dryfats like thyself!
Dry. Well, master Gerardine, I hope to see you a Familist before I die.
Ger. That’s most likely, for I hold most of their principles already: I never rail nor calumniate any man but in love and charity; I never cozen any man for any ill will I bear him, but in love and charity to myself; I never make my neighbour a cuckold for any hate or malice I bear him, but in love and charity to his wife.
Dry. And may those principles fructify in your weak members! I’ll be gone, and with most quick dexterity provide you a crier: to-morrow at my house, said you, they should appear?
Ger. Be that the time, most honoured Dryfat: but be this known to none, most loved sir, save Club, or to some other whom your judgment shall select as a fit person for our project.
Dry. Thus enough: time out of sight.[339] [Exit.
Ger. Maria, thou art mine: earth’s perfection[340] and nature’s glory, woman! of what an excellency if her thoughts and acts were squared and levelled with the first celsitude[341] of her creation!
SCENE III.
Mar. Good aunt, quiet yourself: ground not upon dreams; you know they are ever contrary.
Mis. G. Minion, minion, coin no excuses: I grant dreams are deceitful, but a true judgment grounded upon knowledge never fails. What? have not I observed the rising and falling of the blood, the coming and going of the countenance, your qualms, your unlacings, your longings? most evident tokens; besides, a more certain sign than all these, too; you know’t, I need not speak it: nay, I am as skilful in that point as my husband; I can tell you, Aristotle speaks English enough to tell me these secrets. Body of me, so narrowly looked to, and yet fly out! Well, I see maids will ha’t in spite of laws or locks that restrain ’em; they will open, do men what they can.
Mis. G. Bear your own? ay, marry, there it goes! What must you bear?
Mar. My sins, forsooth.
Mis. G. Your sins, forsooth? Confess to me, and go not about the bush: you have been doing, that’s flat; you have caught a clap, that’s round; and answer me roundly to the point, or else I’ll square.[346] Come, whose act is’t? I cannot devise unless it be my husband’s, for none else had access to thee: I am sure time has turned his bald side to thee, and I do but wonder how thou tookst opportunity: speak, tell me.
Mis. G. Will you not bolt? I must ha’t out on you, and will.
Ger. By your leave, mistress——
Mis. G. Passion of my heart, what art thou?
Ger. No ghost, forsooth, though I appear in white.
Mis. G. No, but a saucy knave, I perceive by your manners.
Ger. None of that livery neither: I am of the bearing trade, forsooth; you may see by my smock,—frock, I would say: I am, if it please you, of the spick and span new-set-up company of porters. Here’s my breastplate; and besides our own arms, we have the arms of the city to help us in our burdens—ecce signum! here’s the cross and the sword of justice in good pewter, I can tell you, which goes as current with us as better metal.
Mis. G. What’s your name, sir?
Ger. Nicholas Nebulo: there’s but a straw’s-breadth between that and the arms; ’tis in the backside of the cross here, and well known in the city for an ancient name and an honest, an’t like your worship.
Mis. G.[347] You are none of the twelve, are you?
Ger. No, forsooth, but one of the twenty-four——
Mis. G. Orders of knaves:[348] I thought so. Sirrah, you’re a rascal, to come thus bluntly into my house with your dirty startups:[349] get you without doors, like a filthy fellow as you are; a place more fit for you.
Ger. O, good words, mistress! I may be warden of my company for aught you know; and for my bluntness, we have a clause in our charter to warrant that; for as we bear, so likewise we may be borne with, and have free egress and regress where our business lies.
Mis. G. And what’s your business here?
Ger. I have a letter, an’t please you, to master doctor.
Mis. G. From whence? [Taking the letter.
Ger. That I cannot shew your worship; but I had it of Curtal the carrier, whose lawful deputy I am.
Mis. G. Leave your scraping, sirrah. Fie, how rank the knave smells of grease and taps-droppings! [Gerardine coughs and spits.] What, are you rheumatic too, with a vengeance!
Ger. Yes, indeed, mistress; though I be but a poor man, I have a spice of the gentleman in me: master doctor could smell it quickly, because he’s a gentleman himself: I must to the diet, and that is tobacco at the ale-house; I use n’other physic for it.
Mis. G. Did ever such a peasant defile my floor, or breathe so near me!—I’faith, sirrah, you would be bummed for your roguery, if you were well served.
Ger. I am bummed well enough already, mistress; look here else: sir-reverence[350] in your worship, master doctor’s lips are not made of better stuff.
Mis. G. What an impudent rogue is this!—Sirrah, begone, I say; I would be rid o’ you.
Ger. Be rid o’ me? I shall gallop then: you mistake me, forsooth; I am a foot post, I do not use to ride.
Mis. G. I think the rascal be humorous or drunk. Well, I will read the letter, and send him packing, or else he will spew or do worse before me: fie on him, I think he will infect me with some filthy disease.
Ger. Or else I lose mine aim. [Aside.
Mis. G. What’s here? [Reads] Your poor nurse, Thomasine Tweedles![351] for my life now shall I find out my husband’s knavery I have so long suspected.
Ger. She begins to nibble; ’twill take, i’faith.
Mis. G. ’Tis so: rats-bane! I ha’t: it racks on, it torments me! here ’tis: [reads] Woe worth the time that ever I gave suck to a child that came in at the window, God knows how!—Villanous lecher!—yet, if you did but see how like the pert[352] little red-headed knave is to his father—damnable doctor! a bastard in the country, and another towards[353] here! I am out of doubt this is his work.—You are an arrant strumpet!—Incest, fornication, abomination in my own house! intolerable! O for long nails to scratch out his eyes!
Ger. Or the breeches, to fight with him.
Mis. G. Out of my sight, quean! thou shalt to Bridewell.—O, I shall be mad with rage!
Ger. Then you shall go to Bedlam.
Mis. G. Hence, you slave!
Ger. I must have a penny; you must pay me for my pains.
This storm once past, fair weather ever after! [Exit.
Mis. G. Was ever woman so moved!—but you shall be talked withal: and for mine old fornicator, he shall ha’t as hot as coals, i’faith: here’s stuff indeed! Come, minx, come: there’s law for you both: have I found your knavery? If I wink at this, let me be stone blind, or stoned to death: bear this, and bear all! [Exeunt.
SCENE IV.
Gud. Upon my life, we are bewitched. The greasy rascal that first seized mistress Purge, by the last reflection of the light, appeared to my sight not much unlike her husband.
Lip. The court’s gall, the city’s plague, and Europa’s sea-form[356] be his perpetual crest, what-e’er ’a was! To lose mistress Purge for lack of dexterity, is a disgrace insalveable: the like opportunity will never present itself.
Gud. ’Twas an egregious grief, I must confess, to see a knave slip betwixt us both and take occasion by the foretop: but since these projects have had so star-cross events, let’s lay some plot how to revenge our late disgrace on the doctor by making him cuckold.
Lip. Agreed: but what melancholy sir, with acrostic[357] arms, now comes from the Family?
Gud. Purge the ’pothecary: I prithee, let’s step aside and hear the issue of this discontent.
Pur. O the misery of married men’s estate!
Lip. ’A begins very pitifully. [Aside.
Pur. O women, what are many of you!
Lip. Why, disease[s] to bachelors, and plagues to married men. [Aside.
Pur. O marriage, the rage of all our miseries! my wife is a dissembling strumpet.
Gud. So is many a man’s besides yours; and what of that?
Pur. I would have a law, that all such which pray little should instantly be married; for then would they pray continually, if it were but to be rid of their wives.
Lip. This is a charitable request, and surely would pass the Lower-house. [Aside.
Pur. Surely if affliction can bring a man to heaven, I cannot see how any married man can be damned: I have made myself a plain cuckold.
Gud. A pile[358] on ye, won’t you! had you not been so manable,[359] here are some would have saved you that labour. [Aside.
Pur. What shall I do in this extremity? had I but witness of the fact, I would make her answer it before authority. This is my wedding-ring; ’tis it, I know it by the posy: this I took from her finger in the dark, and she was therewith very well pleased: were not this, trow,[360] a sufficient testimony? she knows not that it was myself got so near her: I will take counsel. Well, little know bachelors the miseries they undergo when they prostrate themselves to women.
Lip. [coming forward with Gudgeon] O most true, master Purge! little knows a man what elements ’a is to pass, when ’a puts his head under a woman’s girdle. Your passion,[361] master Purge, is overheard, and, plain tale to tell, we were eye-witnesses of your wife’s treachery, and if need be, will be ready to depose as much.
Pur. What, master Lipsalve and master Gudgeon, are you disguised testimonies?
Gud. Why, now ’a speaks like himself: get me a paritor[362] for her straight.
Lip. Conceal the ring, my little Purge; let not thy wife know thou hast it, until she comes to her trial.
Pur. Your advices are very pithy; therefore in private let me disclose my intent.
Gud. Off,[363] boys!
Shr. What dost thou think of thy master? is ’a not a rare gull?
Per. I think ’a will swallow and pocket more disgraces than large-conscienced lawyer fees in a Michaelmas term. Thy master, my honest Shrimp,[364] comes not much short of a fool too, but that ’a is a courtier.
Shr. Draw somewhat near, and overhear their conference.
Ger. This shape of the crier must Club to-morrow assume. Are you fitted for Poppin the proctor?
Dry. Excellent, and have spent some study in the mystical cases of venery: I can describe how often a man may lie with another man’s wife before ’a come to the white sheet.
Ger. How long is that?
Dry. Why, till ’a be taken tardy:—how long all womenkind may, by the statute, profess and swear they are maids.
Ger. And how long is that?
Dry. Why, till their bellies be so big that it cannot be no longer concealed: but come forward towards Glister’s.
Lip. It must be so; let the sumner[365] tickle her: you shall bring in these allegations, and let us alone to swear them.—[Advancing with Purge and Gudgeon.] Who’s this? master Dryfat? opportunely met, sir: and whither so fast? the news, the news?
Dry. Faith, gentlemen, I think to relate for news what I hear of doctor Glister would come stale to your hearings.
Lip. O, the getting of his niece with child: tut, that’s apparently known to all the company.—But, in the name of Jupiter, what art thou, or from whence camest thou?
Ger. Why, sir, I come from compassing the corners of the land.
Gud. Of what trade, in the name of Pluto?
Ger. Of the devil’s trade; for I live, as he does, by the sins of the people; in brief, sir, I am Placket the paritor.[366]
Lip. As the devil would!—We have, my noble paritor, instant employment for thee; a grey groat is to be purchased without sneaking, my little sumner: where’s thy quorum nomina, my honest Placket?
Ger. Sir, according to the old ballad,
Her name, sir, her name?
Gud. Is’t no more but so?
Pur. I have most right to her name.—Her name, master Placket, is my wife, mistress Purge, sir: to what place dost thou belong?
Ger. To the commissioners which sit to-morrow at master Dryfat’s upon the crimes of doctor Glister and others.
Lip. Sits there a commission, Dryfat? now, for the love of lechery, let’s have mistress Purge summoned thither.
Ger. She makes my quorum nomina reasonable full: my grant, sir, and she shall appear there upon a crime of concupiscence: is not that your meaning?
Pur. Yes, my honest paritor: here’s thy fee.
Gud. And see how happily it succeeds! mistress Purge is new come from the Family. Let us step aside, while Placket the paritor gives her a summons.
Lip. Content.—To her, Placket; but see, for the bribery of twelvepence, you strike her not out of your quorum nomina.
Ger. Fear not, sir.
Mis. P. Forward apace, Club.
Ger. Your name I take to be mistress Purge, fair gentlewoman?
Mis. P. I am mistress Purge, Purge’s wife the ’pothecary: what of that?
Dry. Now you shall see him tickle her with a quorum nomina. [Aside.
Ger. I cite you, by virtue of my quorum nomina, to make your personal appearance by eight of the clock in the morrow morning, before certain commissioners at master Dryfat’s house, to answer to an accusation of a crime of concupiscence.
Mis. P. To answer a crime of concupiscence? what’s that, I pray?
Ger. Why, ’tis to answer a venereal crime, for having carnal copulation with others besides your husband.
Mis. P. What are you, I pray?
Ger. By name Placket, by trade a paritor.
Mis. P. And must I answer, say you, to a venereal crime? I tell thee, Placket the paritor, I am able to answer thee or any man else in any venereal crime they’ll put me to; and so tell your commissioners.
Ger. If you fail your appearance, the penalty must fall heavy.
Mis. P. If it fall never so heavy, I am able to bear it:—and so set forward, Club. [Exit with Club.
Lip. [coming forward with the others] Excellent, i’faith!—After your wife, Purge.—Read, Placket, thy quorum nomina, my noble groat-monger.
Ger. Silence! The first that marcheth in this fair rank is Thrum[367] the feltmaker, for getting his maid with child, and sending his ’prentice to Bridewell for the fact; Whip the beadle, for letting a punk escape for a night’s lodging and bribe of ten groats; Bat the bellman, for lying with a wench in a tailor’s stall at midnight, when ’a should be performing his office; and Tipple[368] the tapster, for deflowering a virgin in his cellar; doctor Glister, his wife, Maria, mistress Purge: these be the complete number.
Lip. Now dissolve, and each to his occasion till to-morrow morning. [Exeunt severally.
ACT V. SCENE I.
Mis. G. This was your colour[369] to keep her close; but what cloak ha’ you for her’s and your own shame? What, your own niece, your brother’s daughter, besides your bastard in the country!
Gli. Wife, range not too far, I would advise you; come home in time: vex me not beyond sufferance; the two-edged sword of thy tongue hath drawn blood o’ me. Patience, I say: thou art all this while in an error.
Mis. G. No, thou hast been all this while in an urinal; thou hast gone out of thy compass in women’s waters: you’re a conjuror, forsooth, and can rouse your spirits into circles. Ah, you old fornicator, that ever I saw that red beard of thine! now could I rail against thy complexion: I think, in my conscience, the traces and caparison of Venus’ coach are made o’ red hairs; which may be a true emblem that no flaxen stuff or tanned white leather draws love like ’em: I think thou manuredest thy chin with the droppings of eggs and muskadine before it bristled. A shame take thee and thy loadstone! But ’tis no matter; master Placket the paritor[370] has cited you, and you shall answer it.
Gli. O the raging jealousy of a woman! Do you hear, wife? I will shew myself a man of sense, and answer you with silence; or like a man of wisdom, speak in brief: I say you are a scold, and beware the cucking-stool.[371]