Fol. Dull slave, that ne’er could’st spy it!
Maw. But the manner of her coming was described to me.
Fol. How is the manner, prithee?
Maw. Marry, sir, she comes most commonly coached.
Fol. Most commonly coached, indeed; for coaches are as common now-a-days as some that ride in ’em. She comes most commonly coached?
Maw. True, there I left, sir; guarded with some leash of pimps.
Fol. Beside the coachman?
Maw. Right, sir; then alighting, she’s privately received by master Gumwater.
Fol. That’s my grandsire’s chief gentleman[829] i’ th’ chain of gold: that he should live to be a pander, and yet look upon his chain and his velvet jacket!
Maw. Then is your grandsire rounded[830] i’ th’ ear; the key given after the Italian fashion, backward; she closely conveyed into his closet; there remaining, till either opportunity smile upon his credit, or he send down some hot caudle to take order in his performance.
Fol. Peace, ’tis mine own, i’faith; I ha’t!
Maw. How now, sir?
Maw. That were double happiness; to put thyself into money, and her out of favour.
Fol. And all at one dealing.
Hob. ’S foot, I long to see that hand played!
Fol. And thou shalt see’t quickly, i’faith: nay, ’tis in grain; I warrant it hold colour. Lieutenant, step behind yon hanging: if I mistook not at my entrance, there hangs the lower part of a gentlewoman’s gown, with a mask and a chinclout:[833] bring all this way. Nay, but do’t cunningly, now; ’tis a friend’s house, and I’d use it so; there’s a taste for you. [Exit Mawworm.
Hob. But, prithee, what wilt thou do with a gentlewoman’s lower part?
Fol. Why, use it.
Hob. You’ve answered me, indeed, in that; I can demand no farther.
Fol. Well said.—Lieutenant——
Maw. What will you do now, sir?
Fol. Come, come, thou shalt see a woman quickly made up here.
Maw. But that’s against kind,[834] captain; for they are always long a-making ready.[835]
Fol. And is not most they do against kind, I prithee? To lie with their horse-keeper, is not that against kind? to wear half moons[836] made of another’s hair, is not that against kind? to drink down a man, she that should set him up, pray is not that monstrously against kind now? Nay, over with it, lieutenant, over with it; ever while you live put a woman’s clothes over her head: Cupid plays best at blindman buff.
Maw. You shall have your will, maintenance; I love mad tricks as well as you for your heart, sir: but what shift will you make for upper-bodies, captain?
Fol. I see now thou’rt an ass; why, I’m ready.
Maw. Ready?
Fol. Why, the doublet serves as well as the best, and is most in fashion; we’re all male to th’ middle; mankind from the beaver to th’ bum. ’Tis an Amazonian time; you shall have women shortly tread their husbands. I should have a couple of locks behind; prithee, lieutenant, find ’em out for me, and wind ’em about my hatband: nay, you shall see, we’ll be in fashion to a hair, and become all with probability: the most musty-visage critic shall not except against me.
Maw. Nay, I’ll give thee thy due behind thy back; thou art as mad a piece of clay——
Fol. Clay! dost call thy captain clay? Indeed, clay was made to stop holes; he says true. Did not I tell you, rascals, you should see a woman quickly made up?
Hob. I’ll swear for’t, captain.
Fol. Come, come, my mask and my chinclout—come into th’ court.
Maw. Nay, they were both i’ th’ court long ago, sir.
Fol. Let me see; where shall I choose two or three for pimps, now? but I cannot choose amiss amongst you all, that’s the best. Well, as I am a quean, you were best have a care of me, and guard me sure. I give you warning beforehand; ’tis a monkey-tailed age. Life, you shall go nigh to have half a dozen blithe fellows surprise me cowardly, carry me away with a pair of oars, and put in at Putney!
Maw. We should laugh at that, i’faith.
Fol. Or shoot in upo’ th’ coast of Cue.[837]
Maw. Two notable fit landing-places for lechers, P and C, Putney and Cue.
Fol. Well, say you have fair warning on’t; the hair about the hat is as good as a flag[838] upo’ th’ pole at a common play-house, to waft company; and a chinclout is of that powerful attraction, I can tell you, ’twill draw more linen to’t.
Maw. Fear not us, captain; there’s none here but can fight for a whore as well as some Inns-a’-court-man.
Fol. Why, then, set forward; and as you scorn two-shilling brothel,
Maw. Hang ’em, pensions and allowances! four-pence halfpenny a meal, hang ’em! [Exeunt.
ACT IV. SCENE I.
Suc. Leave, leave; are you not ashamed to use such words to a woman?
Pen. B. Thou’rt a devil!
Suc. A devil? feel, feel, man; has a devil flesh and bone?
Jas. You’d make one mad, sir; that a gentlewoman should steal by me, and I not hear her! ’s foot, one may hear the ruffling of their bums[850] almost an hour before we see ’em.
Jas. What strange humour call you this? he dreams of women, and both his eyes broad open! [Exit.
SCENE II.
Sir B. Why, how now, master Gumwater? what’s the news with your haste?
Gum. I have a thing to tell your worship——
Sir B. Why, prithee, tell me; speak, man.
Gum. Your worship shall pardon me, I have better bringing-up than so.
Sir B. How, sir?
Gum. ’Tis a thing made fit for your ear, sir——
Sir B. O, O, O, cry you mercy; now I begin to taste you. Is she come?
Gum. She’s come, sir.
Sir B. Recovered? well and sound again?
Gum. That’s to be feared, sir.
Sir B. Why, sir?
Gum. She wears a linen cloth about her jaw.[851]
Sir B. Ay, ay, in those days; that was a queasy[853] time: our age is better hardened now, and put oftener in the fire; we are tried what we are. Tut, the pox is as natural now as an ague in the spring-time; we seldom take physic without it. Here, take this key; you know[854] what duties belong to’t. Go, give order for a cullis:[855] let there be a good fire made i’ th’ matted chamber: do you hear, sir?
Gum. I know my office, sir. [Exit.
Sir B. An old man’s venery is very chargeable, my masters; there’s much cookery belongs to’t. [Exit.
SCENE III.
Gum. Come, lady: you know where you are now?
Fol. Yes, good master Gumwater.
Gum. This is the old closet, you know.
Fol. I remember it well, sir.
Gum. There stands a casket: I would my yearly revenue were but worth the wealth that’s locked in’t, lady! yet I have fifty pound a-year, wench.
Fol. Beside your apparel, sir?
Gum. Yes, faith, have I.
Fol. But then you reckon your chain,[856] sir.
Gum. No, by my troth, do I not, neither: faith, and[857] you consider me rightly, sweet lady, you might admit a choice gentleman into your service.
Fol. O, pray away, sir!
Gum. Pusha,[858] come, come; you do but hinder your fortunes, i’faith: I have the command of all the house, I can tell you; nothing comes into th’ kitchen, but comes through my hands.
Fol. Pray do not handle me, sir.
Gum. Faith you’re too nice, lady; and as for my secrecy, you know I have vowed it often to you.
Fol. Vowed it? no, no, you men are fickle.
Gum. Fickle? ’sfoot! bind me, lady——
Fol. Why, I bind you by virtue of this chain to meet me to-morrow at the Flower-de-luce yonder, between nine and ten.
Gum. And if I do not, lady, let me lose it, thy love, and my best fortunes!
Fol. Why, now I’ll try you; go to.
Gum. Farewell, sweet lady!
Fol. Welcome, sweet coxcomb! by my faith, a good induction! I perceive by his overworn phrase, and his action toward the middle region still, there has been some saucy nibbling motion; and no doubt the cunning quean waited but for her prey: and I think ’tis better bestowed upon me, for his soul’s health, and his body’s too. I’ll teach the slave to be so bold yet, as once to offer to vault into his master’s saddle, i’faith. Now, casket, by your leave:
Ha! now, by my faith, a gentlewoman of very good parts; diamond, ruby, sapphire; Onyx cum prole silexque![860] if I do not wonder how the quean ’scaped tempting, I’m an hermaphrodite! sure she could lack nothing, but the devil to point to’t; and I wonder that he should be missing: well, ’tis better as it is. This is the fruit of old grunting venery; grandsire, you may thank your drab for this. O fie, in your crinkling days, grandsire, keep a courtesan, to hinder your grandchild! ’tis against nature, i’faith, and I hope you’ll be weary on’t.
Sir B. Ah, sirrah, methink I feel myself well toasted, bombasted, rubbed, and refreshed! but, i’faith, I cannot forget to think how soon sickness has altered her to my taste. I gave her a kiss at bottom o’ th’ stairs, and, by th’ mass, methought her breath had much ado to be sweet; like a thing compounded, methought, of wine, beer, and tobacco; I smelt much pudding[861] in’t.
Why, body of me, what’s here? my casket wide open, broke open, my jewels stolen!—Why, Gumwater!
Gum. Anon, anon, sir.
Sir B. Come hither, Gumwater.
Gum. That were small manners, sir, i’faith: I’ll find a time anon; your worship’s busy yet.
Sir B. Why, Gumwater!
Gum. Foh, nay then you’ll make me blush, i’faith, sir——
Sir B. Where’s this creature?
Gum. What creature is’t you’d have, sir?
Sir B. The worst that ever breathes.
Gum. That’s a wild boar, sir.
Sir B. That’s a vild[862] whore, sir;—where didst thou leave her, rascal?
Gum. Who? your recreation, sir?
Sir B. My execration, sir!
Gum. Where I was wont; in your worship’s closet.
Sir B. A pox engross her! it appears too true. See you this casket, sir?
Gum. My chain, my chain, my chain! my one and only chain! [Exit.
Sir B. Thou runnest to much purpose now, Gumwater, yea! Is not a quean enough to answer for, but she must join a thief to’t? a thieving quean! nay, I have done with her, i’faith. ’Tis a sign sh’as been sick a’ late; for she’s a great deal worse than she was: by my troth, I would have pawned my life upon’t.
’S foot, the judges will but laugh at it, and bid her borrow more money of ’em; make the old fellow pay for’s lechery; that’s all the mends I get. I have seen the same case tried at Newbury the last ’sizes.
SCENE IV.
Ser. Who’s that knocks?
Pen. B. [within] A friend.
Ser. What’s your will, sir?
Pen. B. Is master Harebrain[865] at home?
Ser. No, newly gone from it, sir.
Pen. B. Where’s the gentlewoman his wife?
Ser. My mistress is within, sir.
Pen. B. When came she in, I pray?
Ser. Who, my mistress? she was not out these two days, to my knowledge.
Pen. B. No? trust me, I’d thought I’d seen her. I would request a word with her.
Ser. I’ll tell her, sir.
Pen. B. I thank you. [Exit Servant.] It likes me[866] worse and worse.