Uncle Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New York

I SEEN a good many funny things when I wuz in New York, but I think some of the sines what they've got on some of the bildins' are 'bout as funny as anything I ever seen in my life.

I wuz walkin' down the street one day and I seen a sine, it sed "Quick Lunch." Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into the resturant or bordin' house, or whatever they call it, and they had some sines hangin' on the walls in thar that jist about made me laff all over. I noticed one sine sed "Put your trust in the Lord," and right under it wuz another sine what sed "Try our mince pies." Wall, I tried one of them, and I want to tell you right now, if you eat many of them mince pies you want to put your trust in the Lord.

Wall, I got out of thar, and I walked along fer quite a spell, and finally I cum to a store what had a lot of red, white and blue, and yeller and purple lights in the winder. Wall, I stopped to look at it, cos it wuz a purty thing, and they had a sine in that winder that jist tickled me, it sed, "Frog in your throat 10C." I wouldn't put one of them critters in my throat fer ten dollars.

Wall, jist a little further up the street I seen another sine what sed "Boots blacked on the inside." Now, any feller what gits his boots blacked on the inside ain't got much respect fer his socks. I git mine blacked on the outside. Then I cum to a sine what had a lot of 'lectric lights shinin' on it, and I could read it jist as plain as day; so I happened to turn round and when I looked at that sine agin, it wa'nt the same sine at all, and jist then it changed right in front of my very eyes, and I cum to the conclooshun that some feller on the inside wuz a turnin' on it jist to have fun with folks, so I cum away; but I had a mighty good laff or two watchin' other folks git fooled, cos it would turn fust one way and then the t'other, and 'fore you could make up your mind what it wuz, the durned thing wouldn't be that at all.

A little further up the street I seen a sine what sed, "This is the door." Now, any durned fool could see it wuz a door. And then I seen another sine what sed "Walk in." Wall, now, I wunder how in thunder they thought a feller wuz a goin' to cum in, on hoss back, or on a bisickle, or how. And then I seen another sine, it wuz in a winder and had a lot of tools around it, and the sine sed, "Cast iron sinks." Wall, now, any durned fool what don't know that cast iron sinks, ought to have some one feel his head and find out what ails him.

Uncle Josh on a Street Car

NOW I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar inch while I wuz in New York, than any old feller what ever broke out of a New England smoke house. I had a little the durnd'st time a ridin' on them street cars what they got thar. Wall I wa'nt a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuz a runnin' after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em. Gosh, I wuz a runnin' after street cars and fire ingines, and every durned thing with red wheels on it, I calculate I run about a mile and a half after a feller one day to tell him the water what he had in his wagon wuz all leakin' out, and when I caught up to him I found out it wuz a durned old sprinklin' cart.

Wall I got on one of them street cars one day, and it wuz purty crowded, and thar wa'nt any place fer me to sot down, so I had to hang onto one of them little harness straps along side of the car. So I got holt of a strap and I wuz hangin' on, when the conductor sed "old man, you'r goin' to be in the road thar, you'd better move up a little further, wall I moved up a little ways and I stepped on a feller's toe, and gee whiz, he got madder'n a wet hen, he sed, 'can't you see whar you'r a steppin'?" I sed, "guess I kin, but you brought them feet in here, and I've got to step some whar." Wall every one begin to laff, and the conductor sed, "old man you'r makin' too much trouble, you'll have to move for'ard again," and I got off 'n the gosh durned old car; I paid him a nickel to ride, but I guess I might as well have walked, I wuz a walkin' purty much all the time I wuz in thar.

Wall I got onto another car, and I got sot down, and I never laffed so much in all my life. Up in one end of the car thar wuz a little slim lady, and right along side of her wuz a big fleshy lady, and it didn't look as though the little slim lady wuz a gittin' more'n about two cents and a half worth of room, so finally she turned round to the fleshy lady and sed, "they ought to charge by weight on this line," and the big lady sed "Wall if they did they wouldn't stop fer you." Gosh I had to snicker right out loud.

Thar wuz a little boy a sottin' alongside of the big lady, and three ladys got onto the car all to onct, and thar wa'nt any place fer 'em to sot down, and so the big lady sed—"little boy, you'd oughter git up and let one of them ladys sot down," and the little boy sed, "you git up and they can all sot down." Wall by that time your uncle wuz a laffin' right out.

Sottin' right alongside of me wuz a lady and she had the purtiest little baby I calculate I'd ever seen in all my born days, I wanted to be sociable with the little feller so I jist sort of waved my hand at him, and sed how-d'e-do baby, and that lady just looked et me scornful like and sed "rubber," wall I wuz never more sot back, I guess you could have knocked me down with a feather, I thought it was a genuine baby, I didn't know the little thing was rubber.

Wall I noticed up in one end of the car thar wuz a little round masheen, and the conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and every time he got a nickel he'd yank on that clothes line, and fust it sed in and then it sed out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins and outs meant, but I jist cum to the conclusion it showed how much the conductor wuz in and the company wuz out.

Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the front end of the car, and he wuz a purty nice sort of a feller, he showed me how every thing worked and told me all about it, wall when I got off I sed—good bye, mister, hope I'll see you agin some time, and he sed, "oh, I'll run across you one of these days," I told him by gosh he wouldn't run across me if I seen him a comin'.

My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots

Uncle Josh in Police Court

I NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as many cort houses in it as New York has got. It jist seemed to me like every judge in New York had a cort house of his own, and most of them cort houses seemed to be along side of some markit house. Thar wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and the Essicks Markit Cort, and several other corts and markits, and markits and corts, I can't remember now. Wall, I used to be Jestice of the Peece down home at Punkin Center, and I wuz a little anxious to see how they handled law and jestice in New York City, so one mornin' I went down to one of them cort houses, and thar wuz more different kinds of people in thar than I ever seen afore. Thar wuz all kinds of nationalitys—Norweegans, Germans, Sweeds, Hebrews, and Skandynavians, Irish and colored folks, old and young, dirty and clean, good, bad and worse. The Judge, he wuz a sottin' up on the bench, and a sayin,: "Ten days; ten dollars; Geery society; foundlin' asylum; case dismissed; bring in the next prisoner," and the Lord only knows what else. Wall, some of the cases they tried in that cort house made me snicker right out loud. They brought in a little Irish feller, and the Judge sed: "Prisoner, what is your name?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your honor, my name is McGiness, Patrick McGiness." And the Judge sed: "Mr. McGiness, what is your occupation?" And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your honor, I am a sailor." The Judge sed: "Mr. McGiness, you don't look to me as though you ever saw a ship in all your life." And the little Irish feller sed: "Wall Judge, your honor, if I never saw a ship in me life, do you think I cum over from Ireland in a wagon?" The Judge sed: "Case dismissed. Bring in the next prisoner."

Wall, the next prisoner what they brought in had sort of an impediment in his talk, and the way he stuttered jist beat all. The Judge sed: "Prisoner, what is your name?" And the prisoner sed: "Jd-Jd-J-J-Judge, yr-yr-yo-yo-your h-h-h-hon-hon-honor, m-mm-my-my n-n-na-na-name is-is-is——." The Judge sed: "Never mind, that will do. Officer, what is this prisoner charged with?" And the officer sed: "Judge, your honor, the way he talks sounds to me like he might be charged with sody water." Gosh, I got to laffin' so I had to git right out of the cort house.

It sort of made me think of a law soot we had down hum when Jim Lawson wuz Jestice of the Peece. You see it wuz like this: One spring Si Pettingill wuz goin' out to Mizoori to be gone 'bout a year, and he'd sold off 'bout all his things 'cept one cow, and he didn't want to part with the cow, 'cause she wuz a mighty good milker, so he struck a bargin with Lige Willet. Lige wuz to keep the cow, paster and feed her, and generally take keer on her fer the milk she giv. Wall, finally Si cum hum, and he went to Lige's place one day and sed: "Wall, Lige, I've cum over to git my cow." And Lige sed: "Cum after your cow? Wall, if you've got any cow round here I'll be durned if I know it." Si sed: "Wall, Lige, I left my cow with you." And Lige sed: "Wall, that's a year ago, and she's et her head off two or three times since then." So Si sed: "Wall, Lige, you've had her milk fer her keep." And Lige sed: "Milk be durned, she went dry three weeks after you left, and she ain't give any milk since, and near as I can figger it out, seems to me as how I've pestered her and fed her all this time, she's my cow." Si sed: "No, Lige, that wa'nt the bargin." But Lige sed: "Bargin or no bargin, I've got her, and seein' as how posession is 'bout nine points in the law, I'm goin' to keep her."

So they went to law about it, and all Punkin Centre turned out to heer the trial. Wall, after Jim Lawson had heered both sides of the case, he sed: "The Cort is compelled, from the evidence sot forth in this case, to find for the plaintiff, the aforesaid Silas Pettingill, as agin' the defendant, the aforesaid Elijah Willet. We find from the evidence sot forth that the cow critter in question is a valuable critter, and wuth more 'n a year's paster and keep, and, tharfore, it is the verdict of this cort that the aforesaid defendant, Elijah Willet, shall keep the cow two weeks longer, and then she is hisn."

Uncle Josh at Coney Island

I'D heerd tell a whole lot at various times 'bout that place what they call Coney Iland, and while I wuz down In New York, I jist made up my mind I wuz a goin' to see it, so one day I got on one of them keers what goes across the Brooklyn bridge, and I started out for Coney Iland. Settin' right along side of me in the keer wuz an old lady, and she seemed sort of figity 'bout somethin' or other, and finaly she sed to me "mister, do these cars stop when we git on the other side of the bridge?" I sed, wall now if they don't you'll git the durndest bump you ever got in your life.

Wall we got on the other side, and I got on one of them tra-la-lu cars what goes down to Coney Iland. I give the car feller a dollar, and he put it in his pockit jist the same as if it belonged to him. Wall, when I wuz gittin' purty near thar I sed, Mister, don't I git any change? He sed, "didn't you see that sign on the car?" I sed, no sir. Wall he sez "you better go out and look at it."

Wall I went out and looked at it, and that settled it. It sed "This car goes to Coney Iland without change." Guess it did; I'll be durned if I got any.

Wall we got down thar, and I must say of all the pandemonium and hubbub I ever heered in my life, Coney Iland beats it all. Bout the fust thing I seen thar wuz a place what they called "Shoot the Shoots." It looked like a big hoss troff stood on end, one end in a duck pond and tother end up in the air, and they would haul a boat up to the top and all git in and then cum scootin' down the hoss troff into the pond. Wall I alowed that ud be right smart fun, so I got into one of the boats along with a lot of other folks I never seed afore and don't keer if I never see agin. They yanked us up to the top of that troff and then turned us loose, and I jist felt as though the whole earth had run off and left us. We went down that troff lickety split, and a woman what wuz settin' alongside of me, got skeered and grabbed me round the neck; and I sed, you let go of me you brazen female critter. But she jist hung on and hollered to beat thunder, and everybody wuz a yellin' all to onct, and that durned boat wuz a goin' faster'n greased lightnin' and I had one hand on my pockit book and tother on my hat, and we went kerslap dab into that duck pond, and the durned boat upsot and we went into the water, and that durned female critter hung onto me and hollered "save me, I'm jist a drownin'." Wall the water wasn't very deep and I jist started to wade out when along cum another boat and run over us, and under we went ker-souse. Wall I managed to get out to the bank, and that female woman sed I was a base vilian to not rescue a lady from a watery grave. And I jist told her if she had kept her mouth shet she wouldn't hav swallered so much of the pond.

Wall they had one place what they called the Middle Way Plesumps, and another place what they called The Streets of Caro, and they had a lot of shows a goin' on along thar. Wall I went into one of 'em and sot down, and I guess if they hadn't of shet up the show I'd a bin sottin' thar yet. I purty near busted my buttins a laffin'. They had a lot of gals a dancin' some kind of a dance; I don't know what they called it, but it sooted me fust rate. When I got home, the more I thought about it the more I made up my mind I'd learn that dance. Wall I went out in the corn field whar none of the neighbors could see me, and I'll be durned if I didn't knock down about four akers of corn, but I never got that dance right. I wuz the talk of the whole community; mother didn't speak to me fer about a week, and Aunt Nancy Smith sed I wuz a burnin' shame and a disgrace to the village, but I notice Nancy has asked me a good many questions about jist how it was, and I wouldn't wonder if we didn't find Nancy out in the cornfield one of these days.

Uncle Josh at the Opera

WALL, I sed to mother when I left hum, now mother, when I git down to New York City I'm goin' to see a regular first-class theater. We never had many theater doin's down our way. Wall, thar wuz a theater troop cum to Punkin Centre along last summer, but we couldn't let 'em hav the Opery House to show in 'cause it wuz summer time and the Opery House wuz full of hay, and we couldn't let 'em hav it 'cause we hadn't any place to put the hay. An then about a year and a half ago thar wuz a troop cum along that wuz somethin' about Uncle Tom's home; they left a good many of their things behind 'em when they went away. Ezra Hoskins he got one of the mules, and he tried to hitch it up one day; Doctor says he thinks Ezra will be around in about six weeks. I traded one of the dogs to Ruben Hendricks fer a shot gun; Rube cum over t'other day, borrowed the gun and shot the dog.

Wall, I got into one of your theaters here, got sot down and wuz lookin' at it; and it wuz a mighty fine lookin' pictur with a lot of lights shinin' on it, and I wuz enjoyin' it fust rate, when a lot of fellers cum out with horns and fiddles, and they all started in to fiddlin' and tootin', end all to once they pulled the theatre up, and thar wuz a lot of folks having a regular family quarrel. I knowed that wasn't any of my business, and I sort of felt uneasy like; but none of the rest of the folks seemed to mind it any, so I calculated I'd see how it cum out, though my hands sort of itched to get hold of one feller, 'cause I could see if he would jest go 'way and tend to his own business thar wouldn't be any quarrel. Wall, jest then a young feller handed me a piece of paper what told all about the theater doin's, and I got to lookin' at that and I noticed on it whar it sed thar wuz five years took place 'tween the fust part and the second part. I knowed durned well I wouldn't have time to wait and see the second part, so I got up and went out. Wall, them theater doin's jest put me in mind of somethin' what happened down hum on the last day of school. You see the school teacher got all the big boys and the big girls, and the boys they read essays and the girls recited poetry. One of the Skinner girls recited a piece that sooted me fust rate. Neer as I kin remember it went somethin' like this:

I liked that; thar wuz somethin' so touchin' about it. Then the school teacher he got all the girls in the 'stronomy class and he dressed them up to represent the different kinds of planits. He had one girl to represent the sun—she wuz red-headed; and another one to represent the moon, and another one fer Mars, and another one fer Jerupetir, and it looked mighty fine, and everythin' wuz a gettin' along fust rate 'til old Jim Lawson 'lowed he could make an improvement on it; so he went out and got a colord girl, and he wanted to sot her between the sun and the moon and make an eklips. And as usual he busted up the whole doin's.

Uncle Josh at Delmonico's

I USED to hear the summer boarders tell a whole lot about a place here in New York kept by Mr. Delmonico. Thar's bin about ten thousand summer boarders down to Punkin Centre one time and another, and I guess I've carried the bundles and stood the grumblin' from about all of them; and when anyone of 'em would find fault with anythin' I used to ast him whar he boarded at in New York, and they all told me at Mr. Delmonico's; so I'd cum to the conclusion that Mr. Delmonico must hav a right smart purty good sized tavern; and I sed to mother—now mother, when I git down to New York that's whar I'm goin' to board, at Mr. Delmonico's.

Wall, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and when I got on the inside I don't s'pose I wuz ever more sot back in all my life; guess you could have knocked my eyes off with a club; they stuck out like bumps on a log. Wall sir, they had flowers and birds everywhere, and trees a settin' in wash tubs, didn't look to me as though they would stand much of a gale; and about a hundred and fifty patent wind mills runnin' all to onct, and out in the woods somewhar they had a band a-playin'. I couldn't see 'em but I could hear 'em; guess some of 'em wuz a havin' a dance to settle down their dinner; I couldn't tell whether it was a society festival or a camp meetin' at feedin' time. Wall, one feller cum up to me and commenced talkin' some furrin language I didn't understand, somethin' about bon-sour, mon-sour. I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them bunco fellers, and I wouldn't talk to him. Then another feller cum up right smart like and wanted to know if I'd hav my dinner table de hotel or all over a card, and I told him if it wuz all the same to him he could bring me my dinner on a plate. Wall, he handed me a programme of the dinner and I et about half way down it and drank a bottle of cider pop what he give me, and it got into my head, and I never felt so durn good in all my life. I got to singin' and I danced Old Dan Tucker right thar in the dinin' room, and I took a wrestle out of Mr. bon-sour mon-sour; and jist when I got to enjoyin' myself right good, they called in a lot of constables, and it cost me sixteen dollars and forty-five cents, and then they took me out ridin' in a little blue wagon with a bell on it, and they kept ringin' the bell every foot of the way to let folks know I wuz one of Mr. Delmonico's boarders.

It is Fall

Si Pettingill's Brooms

WALL, one day jist shortly after sap season wuz over, we wuz all sottin' round Ezra Hoskins's store, talkin' on things in general, when up drove Si Pettingill with a load of brooms. Wall, we all took a long breath, and got ready to see some as tall bargainin' as wuz ever done in Punkin Centre. 'Cause Si, he could see a bargain through a six-inch plank on a dark night, and Ezra could hear a dollar bill rattle in a bag of feathers a mile off, and we all felt mighty sartin suthin' wuz a goin' to happen. Wall, Si, he sort er stood 'round, didn't say much, and Ezra got most uncommonly busy—he had more business than a town marshal on circus day.

Wall, after he had sold Aunt Nancy Smith three yards of caliker, and Ruben Hendricks a jack-knife, and swapped Jim Lawson a plug of tobacker fer a muskrat hide, he sed: "How's things over your way, Si?" Si remarked: "things wuz 'bout as usual, only the water had bin most uncommon high, White Fork had busted loose and overflowed everything, Sprosby's mill wuz washed out, and Lige Willits's paster wuz all under water, which made it purty hard on the cows, and Lige had to strain the milk two or three times to git the minnews out of it. Whitaker's young 'uns wuz all havin' measles to onct, and thar wuz a revival goin' on at the Red Top Baptist church, and most every one had got religion, and things wuz a runnin' 'long 'bout as usual."

Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Did you git religion, Si?" Si sed: "No, Deacon; I got baptized, but it didn't take—calculated I might as well have it done while thar wuz plenty of water."

"Thought I'd cum over today, Ezra; I've got some brooms I'd like to sell ye." Ezra sed: "Bring 'em in, Si, spring house cleanin' is comin' on and I'll most likely need right smart of brooms, so jist bring 'em in." Si sed: "Wall, Ezra, don't see as thar's any need to crowd the mourners, can't we dicker on it a little bit; I want cash fer these brooms, Ezra, I don't want any store trade fer 'em." Ezra sed: "Wall, I don't know 'bout that, Si; seems to me that's a gray hoss of another color, I always gin ye store trade fer your eggs, don't I?" Si sed: "Y-a-s—, and that's a gray hoss of another color; ye never seen a hen lay brooms, did ye? Brooms is sort of article of commerce, Ezra, and I want cash fer 'em." Wall, Ezra, he looked 'round the store and thot fer a spell, and then he sed: "Tell ye what I'll do, Si; I'll gin ye half cash and the other half trade, how'll that be?" Si sed: "Guess that'll be all right, Ezra. Whar will I put the brooms?" Ezra sed: "Put them in the back end of the store, Si, and stack 'em up good; I hadn't got much room, and I've got a lot of things comin' in from Boston and New York." Wall, after Si had the brooms all in, he sed: "Wall, thar they be, five dozen on 'em." Ezra sed: "Sure thar's five dozen?" Si sed: "Yas; counted 'em on the wagon, counted 'em off agin, and counted 'em when I made 'em." So Ezra sed: "Wall, here's your money; now what do you want in trade?" Si looked 'round fer a spell and sed: "I don't know, Ezra; don't see anything any of our folks pertickerly stand in need on. If it's all the same to you, Ezra, I'll take BROOMS?"

Wall, Jim Lawson fell off'n a wash-tub and Ruben Hendricks cut his thumb with his new jack-knife, and Deacon Witherspoon sed: "No, Si, that baptizin' didn't take." And Ezra—wall, it wan't his say.

Uncle Josh Plays Golf

WALL, about two weeks ago the boys sed to me, Uncle we'd like to hav you cum out and play a game of golf. Wall, they took me out behind the woodshed whar mother couldn't see us and them durned boys dressed your uncle up in the dogondest suit of clothes I ever had on in my life. I had on a pair of socks that had more different colors in 'em than in Joseph's coat. I looked like a cross atween a monkey and a cirkus rider, and a-goin' across the medder our turkey gobbler took after me and I had an awful time with that fool bird. I calculate as how I'll git even with him 'bout Thanksgiving time.

Wall, the boys took me into the paster, and they had it all dug up into what they called a "T," and they had a wheelbarrer full of little Injun war clubs. They called one a nibbler, and another a brassie, and a lot of other fool names I never heerd afore, and can't remember now. Then they brought out a little wooden ball 'bout as big as a hen's egg, and they stuck it up on a little hunk of mud. Then they told me to take one of them thar war clubs and stand alongside of the ball and hit it. Wall, I jist peeled off my coat and got a good holt on that war club and I jist whaled away at that durned little ball, and by gum I missed it, and the boys all commenced to holler "foozle."

Wall, I got a little bit riled and I whaled away at it again, and I hit it right whar I missed it the fust time, and I whirled round and sot down so durned hard I sot four back teeth to akin, and I pawed round in the air and knocked a lot of it out of place. I hit myself on the shin and on the pet corn at the same time, and them durned boys wuz jist a-rollin' round on the ground and a-hollerin' like Injuns. Wall, I begun to git madder 'n a wet hen, and I 'lowed I'd knock that durned little ball way over into the next county. So I rolled up my sleeves and spit on my hands and got a good holt on that war club and I whaled away at that little ball agin, and by chowder I hit it. I knocked it clar over into Deacon Witherspoon's paster, and hit his old muley cow, and she got skeered and run away, jumped the fence and went down the road, and the durned fool never stopped a-runnin' 'til she went slap dab into Ezra Hoskins' grocery store, upsot four gallons of apple butter into a keg of soft soap, and sot one foot into a tub of mackral, and t'other foot into a box of winder glass, and knocked over Jim Lawson who wuz sottin' on a cracker barrel, and broke his durned old wooden leg, and then she went right out through the winder and skeered Si Pettingill's hosses that wuz a standin' thar, and they run away and smashed his wagon into kindlin' wood' and Silas has sued me fer damages, and mother won't speak to me, and Jim he wants me to buy him a new wooden leg, and the neighbors all say as how I ought to be put away some place fer safe keepin', and Aunt Nancy Smith got so excited she lost her glass eye and didn't find it for three or four days, and when she did git it the boys wuz a-playin' marbles with it and it wuz all full of gaps, and Jim Lawson he trimmed it up on the grindstane and it don't fit Nancy any more, and she has to sort of put it in with cotton round it to bold it, and the cotton works out at the corners and skeers the children and every time I see Nancy that durned eye seems to look at me sort of reproachful like, and all I know about playin' golf is, the feller what knocks the ball so durned far you can't find it or whar it does the most damage, wins the game.

Jim Lawson's Hogs

WHEN it cum to raisin' hogs, I don't s'pose thar wuz ever enybody in Punkin Centre that had quite so much trouble as Jim Lawson. One fall Jim had a right likely bunch of shoats, but somehow or other he couldn't git 'em fat, it jist seemed like the more he fed 'em the poorer they got, and Jim he wuz jist about worried clar down to a shadder. He kept givin' them hogs medecin' and feedin' of 'em everything he could think on, but it wan't no use; every day or so one of 'em would lay down and die. All the neighbors would cum and lean over the fence, and talk to Jim, and give him advice, but somehow them hogs jist kept on a-dyin', and nobody could see what wuz alin' of 'em, 'til one day Jim cum over to Ezra Hoskins's store, and he looked as tickled as though he'd found a dollar, and he sed: "I want you all to cum over to my place; I've found out what's alin' them hogs." Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Wall, what is it, Jim?" and Jim sed: "Wall, you see the ground over in my hog lot is purty soft, and when it rains it gits right smart muddy, and the mud gits on them hogs' tails, and that mud it gits more mud, and finally they git so much mud on their tails that it draws their skin so tight that they can't shet their eyes, and them hogs air jist a-dyin' fer the want of sleep."

Wall, the followin' winter Jim had his hogs all fat and ready fer markit, and he jist conclooded he'd drive 'em to Concord. Wall, he started out, and when he'd drov 'em two whole days he met old Jabez Whitaker. Jabe sed: "Whar you goin' with your hogs, Jim?" Jim sed: "Goin' to Concord, Jabez." Jabez sed "Wall, now, I want to know. That's what cums from not readin' the papers. Why, Jim, they've got more hogs up Concord way than they know what to do with. Lige Willit took his hogs up thar, and Eben Sprosby took his'n, and Concord's jist chuck full of hogs, and so consequintly the markit's away down in Concord. But the paper sez it's good in Manchester, and you'd make money, Jim, by goin' thar." So Jim shifted his chew of terbacker over to the northeast, and sed: "Wall, boys, I calculate we'll hav to go to Manchester, so jist head the hogs off and turn them round." Wall, they druv them hogs 'bout three days towards Manchester, and jist 'bout when they wuz gittin' thar, along cum Caleb Skinner, and he sed: "Wall, thunder and fish-hooks, whar be you a-goin', Jim." And Jim sed: "As near as he could figure it out from his present bearin's, he wuz most likely goin' to Manchester." And Caleb sed: "What fer?" Jim sed: "Didn't know exactly what all he wuz goin' fer, but if he ever got thar, he'd most likely sell his hogs." And Caleb sed: "Wall, your goin' to the wrong town. Manchester has got a quarantine agin' any more hogs comin' in, 'cos what hogs they is thar has all got colery, and you'd better go to Concord. Besides the paper says markit is purty well up in Concord." Wall, Jim sed a good many things that wouldn't sound good at a prayer meetin', and then he sed: "Wall, boys, gess we'll start back fer Concord, so turn round." Wall, they went along 'bout two days, and them poor hogs couldn't stand it no longer 'cos they wuz jist clean tuckered out, so Jim had to sell 'em to Josiah Martin fer what he could git, 'cos it wuz jist right at Josiah's place whar the hogs gin out, and thar wan't no way of moovin' them from thar fer some time to cum.

Wall, along 'bout two weeks after that we wuz all over to Ezra Hoskins's store, and some one sed: "Jim, you didn't do very well with your hogs this year, did you?" And Jim sed: "Oh, I don't know; that's jist owin' to how you look at it. I never caught up to that blamed markit, but I had the society of the hogs fer two weeks."

Uncle Josh and the Lightning Rod Agent

WALL I s'pose I git buncode offener than any feller what ever lived in Punkin Centre. A short time ago we wanted to build a new town hall, and calculated we'd have a brick building; and some one sed, "Wall now, if you'll jist wait 'til Josh Weathersby makes another trip or two down to New York thar'll be gold bricks enuff a-layin' 'round Punkin Centre to build a new town hall."

Wall, one day last summer I wuz a sottin' out on my back porch, when along cum one of them thar lightning rod agents. Wall, he jist cum right up and commenced a-talkin' at me jist as if he'd bin the town marshal or a tax assessor, or like he'd known me all his life. He sed, "My dear sir, I am astonished at you. I've looked over your entire premises and I find you haven't got a lightning rod on any buildin' that you possess. Why, my dear sir, don't you know you are flyin' right in the face of Providence? Don't you know that lightning may strike at any time and demolish everything within the sound of my voice? Don't you know you are criminally negligent? Why, my dear sir, I am astonished to think that a man of your jedgment and good common sense should allow yourself to——" Wall, about that time I'd got my breath and wits at the same time, and I sed, "Now hold on, gosh durn ye, what hav ye got to sell anyhow?" Wall, he told me he had some lightnin' rods, and he brought out a little masheen and told me to take hold of the handles and he'd show me what a powerful thing 'lectricity wuz. Wall, I took hold of them handles and he turned on a crank, and that durned masheen jist made me dance all over the porch, and it wouldn't let go. Gee whiz, I felt as though I'd fell in a yeller jacket's nest, and about four thousand of 'em wuz a stingin' me all to onct. Wall, I told him I guessed he could put up a lightning rod or two, seein' as how I didn't hav any. Wall, he went to work and I went over to Ezra Hoskins', and when I got back home my place wuz a sight to behold; it looked like a harrer turned upside down. Thar wuz seven lightning rods on the barn, one on the hen house, one on the corn crib, one on the smoke house, two on the granery, three on the kitchen, six on my house, and one on the crab apple tree, and when I got thar that durned fool had the old muley cow cornered up a-tryin' to put a lightnin' rod on her. Wall, I paid him fer what he had done, and thanked the Lord he hadn't done any more. Wall, he got me to sine a paper what sed he had done a good job, and he sed he had to show that to the company.

Wall, about a week after that we had a thunder storm, and I think the lightnin' struck everything on the place except the spring wagon and old muley cow, and they didn't have any lightnin' rod on 'em. Wall I thought I wuz a-gittin' off mighty lucky til next day, when along cum a feller with that paper what I had sined, and durned if it wan't a note fer six hundred dollars, and by gosh if I didn't hav to pay it!

Buncode agin, by chowder!

A Meeting of the Annanias Club

WALL, sometimes a lot of us old codgers used to git down to Ezra Hoskins' grossery store and we'd sot 'round and chaw terbacker and whittle sticks and eat crackers and cheese and proons and anything Ezra happened to have layin' 'round loos, and then we'd git to spinnin' yarns that would jist about put Annanias and Safiry right out of business if they wuz here now. Wall, one afternoon we wuz all settin' 'round spinnin' yarns when Deacon Witherspoon sed that eckos wuz mighty peculiar things, cos down whar he wuz born and raised thar wuz a passell of hills cum together and you couldn't git out thar and talk louder 'n a whisper on account of the ecko. But one day a summer boarder what wuz thar remarked as how he wasn't afraid to talk right out in meetin' in front of any old lot of hills what wuz ever created; so he went out and hollered jist as loud as he could holler, and he started a ecko a-goin' and it flew up agin one hill and bounced off onto another one and gittin' bigger and louder all the time 'til it got back whar it started from and hit a stone quarry and knocked off a piece of stone and hit that feller in the head, and he didn't cum too fer over three hours. Wall, we thought that wuz purty good fer a Deacon. Wall, none of us sed anything fer a right smart spell and then Si Pettingill remarked "he didn't know anything about eckos, but he calculated he'd seen some mighty peculiar things; sed he guessed he'd seen it rain 'bout as hard as anybody ever seen it rain." Someone sed, "Wall, Si, how hard did you ever see it rain?" and he sed, "Wall one day last summer down our way it got to rainin' and it rained so hard that the drops jist rubbed together comin' down, which made them so allfired hot that they turned into steam; why, it rained so gosh dinged hard, thar wuz a cider bar'l layin' out in the yard that had both heads out'n it and the bung hole up; wall, it rained so hard into that bung hole that the water couldn't run out of both ends of the bar'l fast enough, and it swelled up and busted." Wall, we all took a fresh chew of terbacker and nudged each other; and Ezra Hoskins sed he didn't remember as how he'd ever seen it rain quite so hard as that, but he'd seen some mighty dry weather; he sed one time when he wuz out in Kansas it got so tarnation dry that fish a-swimmin' up the river left a cloud of dust behind them. And hot, too; why, it got so allfired hot that one day he tied his mule to a pen of popcorn out behind the barn, and it got so hot that the corn got to poppin' and flyin' 'round that old mule's ears and he thought it wuz snow and laid down and froze to death. Wall, about that time old Jim Lawson commenced to show signs of uneasiness, and someone sed, "What is it, Jim?" and Jim remarked, as he shifted his terbacker and cut a sliver off from his wooden leg, "I wuz a-thinkin' about a cold spell we had one winter when we wuz a-livin' down Nantucket way. It wuz hog killin' time, if I remember right; anyhow, we had a kittle of bilin' water sottin' on the fire, and we sot it out doors to cool off a little, and that water froze so durned quick that the ice wuz hot."

Ezra sed, "Guess its 'bout shettin' up time."