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Wisdom while you wait

Chapter 14: Bell’s Hydraulic Cranes.
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About This Book

A brief satirical miscellany masquerades as promotional material for a ludicrously grand encyclopaedia, blending parodic advertising copy, faux testimonials, a boastful preface, and absurdly detailed terms of sale. Fragments include mock lists of editors and departments, ridiculous delivery and storage schemes, secret-packing forms, and officious warnings that escalate into surreal consequences. The piece lampoons commercial hype, publishing pretension, and bureaucratic pomposity by using hyperbole, formal documents, and comic inversion of practical concerns.

Bell’s Hydraulic Cranes.

Owing to the exorbitant avoirdupois of this stupendous work, the ordinary reader cannot consult it in comfort without mechanical assistance. To meet this want Mr. Dumbelley Bell has designed a patent

HYDRAULIC CRANE,

easily attached to the study-table, supplied with motive power from a Bellville boiler in the back kitchen. Terms cash; or on the forty-one years’ hire system.


Miss Louie Freear writes: ‘I do not know where I should have been without your Titan crane. Before you could say knife it had picked up three volumes and hurled them through the drawing-room ceiling. As they seem to be irretrievably stuck in the plaster, will you please send three more. As far as we can tell by a process of simple subtraction they are vols. xiv., xxiii., and lxiv.’

Madame Clara Butt writes: ‘I find it matchless for lifting Mother’s Joy.’

Sir Thomas Lipton, Bart., writes: ‘It is splendid. I really believe it would lift the Cup!’