CHAPTER VIII
THE SUGGESTIVE METHOD OF TRAINING
EVERY parent of a son should formulate some definite, determinate plan for his training, and this can be done even though original research and the formation of plans deduced therefrom are not always possible to the parent whose life is bulging with other activities necessitated by our hurrying civilization. Any definite plan of training is better than no plan, inasmuch as it will cause us to think and to use our best judgment on this important topic and so tend to a clarification of preformed vague or inchoate opinions.
Would it were possible to state a simple golden rule for boy-training! Unfortunately such a complex subject cannot be reduced to fixed rules or mechanical formulas. The complexity of the problem is grounded in the complexity of life; its solution is found in methods as variant as the diverse needs of mind, soul, and body. The author has stressed parental responsibility and the need of parental training as a basic preliminary to solving the boy-problem. The far-flung necessity for parental instruction is made imperative by the racial habit, of Americans especially, of drifting out of touch with their children during adolescence. In the preadolescent period—when our children are childish—we preserve the closest intimacy and companionship by unbending our mature dignity, at least in the privacy of home, to a degree which puts us in perfect accord with their natures. Under such conditions we are the recipients of their confidences and intimacies which they give freely, naïvely and trustfully. In return for the gift of our love, our own lives are rejuvenated by association with the light, joy, and laughter of youth.
But the arrival of puberty marks a change in our attitude toward our children of which we are not wholly conscious. At this age the boy is neither man nor child, but part of both, and we become impatient with the idiosyncrasies of his nature and conduct which constantly assert themselves at this period of life. Our annoyance at the manifestations of his psychic changes, which is caused by our failure to understand them, arouses in him the suspicion that he is neither loved nor appreciated and he drifts farther and farther out of the range of our influence until he reaches the hinterland from which little tidings of his inner self ever reach us. The realization of this fact comes to the boy much earlier and with more poignant force than to the parent. The consciousness of his isolation is evidenced by his secretiveness, his opinion that he is not understood and his belief in parental lack of sympathy. The former relationship of chum and comrade has been superseded by an attitude of unresponsiveness or even hostility. The secretiveness of the boy toward those who do not have his confidence is only equalled by his frankness toward the adult with whom he is on terms of intimate companionship.
How many fathers take the time to tell a story to their sons after puberty? Or to explain the phenomena of the business, banking, industrial, or mechanical world? The busy parent usually esteems himself fortunate if he can escape the importunate inquiries of his offspring concerning the facts of the man’s world; and the boy, seeking the companionship of men for which he yearns during adolescence, is led to the society of the drunken hostler who is ever ready to regale him with a collection of stories replete with profanity and obscenity.
American children, during adolescence, are reputed to be the most ill-bred children in the world. The apparently lax methods of the French and the Japanese as well as the severe discipline of English and German parents are both attended by a greater degree of filial respect, obedience, and reverence for their elders than is exhibited by our own children. Americans have been characterized as bringing up their children by a series of fits and starts, which accounts for much of the disrespect shown them by their children. At any rate, it must be admitted that we have no settled, definite philosophy to guide us in this important function, and the lack of a determinate system may justly be assigned as a cause for such indeterminate results. The delightful camaraderie between the French youth and his father is conspicuous in this country by its relatively infrequent occurrence. Our slap-bang, haphazard plans of boy-culture produce results in conformity with the methods employed. But whatever may be the system used, any definite, thoughtful, continuous policy is better than no policy at all. The author is of the opinion that intimate companionship continued through adolescence, combined with a median course between French laxity and English strictness, will conduce to virile character and manhood, and love and respect for parents.
Happy is the man for whom time has not rung down the curtain of oblivion on the scenes of youth; for only in this state of mental attunement is he able to retain the boy’s point of view which is an indispensable requisite to chumship and comradeship with his son. A delightful state of intimacy and confidence with his son makes it possible for the father to guide his conduct by suggestion and counsel which carry a weight and potency unattainable under other conditions; and that counsel is most productive of results, which is positive—not negative—for the reason that it is founded on sound psychology. The evils of the repressive method of training find their antithesis in the happy results of the suggestive method which is constructive in principle. Suggestion is informative, optimistic, and inspirational, and finds quick lodgment in the inquiring and acquisitive mind. As negative commands are unwelcome because they produce mental hostility and will combat, so constructive suggestions are welcomed because of their friendly helpfulness.
Witness how enthusiastically a group of boys will accept the suggestion of an adult who proposes a new game, sport, manual activity, or work along the lines of social or civil service! A patrol of Boy Scouts, under the suggestion of their Master, provided food, fuel, and clothing for three destitute families during a winter of unusual severity, until the heads of these families had recovered from sickness and resumed their places as breadwinners. The intensity of their boyish enthusiasm for this work of charity drove from their minds all thought of the peccadillos which, to a greater or lesser degree, occupy the minds of idle youths. The idle brain is still the devil’s workshop.
The boy hails as a friend and companion the adult who understands his needs and who points out to him the clean activities which he loves and for which he is blindly groping. No one is more “open to suggestion” than the boy.
One winter’s day a gentleman encountered a lot gang who had captured a stray cur, bound him to a post, and were bombarding him with snow balls and chunks of ice as an expression of their desire for mental and physical excitement. The yelps of pain which told that the missiles had found their mark were greeted with shouts of exultation. Instead of reproving them for their cruelty, he incited their curiosity by tactfully inquiring if they had a mascot. On receiving a negative answer, he suggested that every crowd of boys ought to have a mascot and then began to discuss the fine points of the cur—more or less hidden from the non-expert eye—and finally suggested that the dog would make an ideal mascot, provided the boys knew how to take proper care of an animal occupying such an exalted station. Spontaneous yells of assent elected the dog to this honor and then the crowd, at the suggestion of the adult, spent the remainder of the day bringing him food and building a kennel which was copiously furnished with discarded bed coverings, after which, on their own initiative, they combed his hair and manicured his claws until he presented the well-groomed appearance of a lady of fashion. Many subsequent hours were spent in earning pennies with which they purchased a license and a collar on which was a plate engraved with the name “Rags” which had been unanimously conferred on him. The quarrels and disputes which arose over their respective rights to the possession of the dog were settled, at the suggestion of this same gentleman, by the organization of the gang into a club which elected officers and adopted by-laws, the president of which awarded the custody of the dog daily in turn to each member—beginning with himself. The necessity for more pets to occupy their attention resulted in the addition of a rabbit, two chickens, a guinea pig and a goat to their embryonic menagerie. Their next step was the giving of a “show” (admission one cent) in which the menagerie was the chief attraction, closely followed in popular favor by “Rags” doing tricks which the gang had taught him. Then they added more fowls to their collection which proved to be the forerunner of a successful poultry yard from which they made a profit by selling eggs and chickens.
A boy in an Iowa city, rejoicing in a superior physique but lacking the brains to use it wisely, had bullied, beaten, and terrorized the smaller boys of his acquaintance in spite of parental commands, reproof, and repeated chastisements. A continuation of his brutality finally landed him in the Juvenile Court, the judge of which was sufficiently versed in boy-psychology to attempt the experiment of making him a “boy-policeman” decorated with a tin star, authorizing him to preserve order among the boys of his neighborhood and especially charging him with the duty of protecting the smaller boys from the assaults of the larger. From that time forward, the bully was prepared to “punch the head off’n any feller wot licked a kid.” It is needless to say that there were no more assaults on small boys in that locality. Suggestion had diverted the exercise of his physical prowess from unlawful into lawful channels.
James ——, age 15, was changed from a prodigal to a thrifty boy through a plan for saving suggested and encouraged by his father who opened a bank account in his son’s name and offered to add a dollar for every dollar earned by his son. It proved to be a tremendous incentive to industry as well as to thrift.
The foregoing incidents furnish typical illustrations of the application of the suggestive method of training as distinguished from the repressive method; and it may be applied either to the individual or to the group with equally good results. The mental and physical energy ordinarily expended in various forms of lawlessness can be directed, unconsciously, into fields of economic and ethical value by the application of suitable suggestions.
Negation arouses the spirit of combat; and obedience under these conditions tends to inspire a feeling of surrender and defeat whose influence on character is obviously prejudicial.
A father once said, “I have never commanded my son not to do a thing. Instead, I have suggested that I would prefer him to do the other.” In this way, conflict of wills was avoided and the youth was required to make a voluntary choice between two courses in which the father’s preference invariably turned the balance in the desired direction. On one such occasion the boy replied, “Dad, I wish you would tell me I cannot do it and then I would go and do it to show you I can; but when you tell me that it would hurt you, I just can’t do it.”
The prohibition of a proposed action arouses all the resentment of thwarted desire and unfulfilled attainment. Such consequences may be avoided by the suggestion of better plans, methods, or acts, concurrent with the reasons why such change is desirable or necessary. The substitution of other activities or another course of conduct fills the void made by denial and satisfies his psychological requirement of being kept busy. Every normal boy is a safety-valveless steam boiler, stored full of dynamic energy which expends itself in constant action—usually physical—and failure to provide for the utilization and consumption of this energy will result in an explosion in some form of delinquency.
Cheerful, helpful, informative, intelligent, and inspirational suggestion is the boy’s greatest need and he will accept it willingly from a father who is joined to him by ties of sympathetic comradeship which are long enough to encompass his needs within their bonds.
If a father’s influence is to count for much, he should be both a chum and a big brother to his son.