It is sometimes objected to books upon etiquette that they cause those who consult them to act with mechanical restraint, and to show in society that they are governed by arbitrary rules, rather than by an intuitive perception of what is graceful and polite.

1984.  Unsound Objection


This objection is unsound because it supposes that people who study the theory of etiquette do not also exercise their powers of observation in society, and obtain, by their intercourse with others, that freedom and ease of deportment which society alone can impart.

Better Go to Bed Supperless than Rise in Debt.


1985.  Books upon Etiquette


Books upon Etiquette are useful, inasmuch as they expound the laws of polite society. Experience alone, however, can give effect to the
precise
manner in which those laws are required to be observed.

1986.  Simple Hints


Whatever objections may be raised to the teachings of works upon etiquette, there can be no sound argument against a series of simple and brief hints, which shall operate as precautions against mistakes in personal conduct.

1987.  No Gossip


Avoid intermeddling with the affairs of others. This is a most common fault. A number of people seldom meet but they begin discussing the affairs of some one who is absent. This is not only uncharitable, but positively unjust. It is equivalent to trying a
cause in the absence of the person implicated
. Even in the criminal code a prisoner is presumed to be innocent until he is found guilty. Society, however, is less just, and passes judgment without hearing the defence. Depend upon it, as a certain rule,
that the people who unite with you in discussing the affairs of others will proceed to your affairs and conduct in your absence
.

1988.  Consistent Principles


Be consistent in the avowal of Principles. Do not deny to-day that which you asserted yesterday. If you do, you will stultify yourself, and your opinions will soon be found to have no weight. You may fancy that you gain favour by subserviency; but so far from gaining favour, you lose respect.

1989.  Avoid Falsehood


Avoid falsehood. There can be found no higher virtue than the love of truth. The man who deceives others must himself become the victim of morbid distrust. Knowing the deceit of his own heart, and the falsehood of his own tongue, his eyes must be always filled with suspicion, and he must lose the greatest of all happiness—confidence in those who surround him.

1990.  Elements of Manly Character


The following elements of manly character are worthy of frequent meditation:

  1. To be wise in his disputes.
  1. To be a lamb in his home.
  1. To be brave in battle and great in moral courage.
  1. To be discreet in public.
  1. To be a bard in his chair.
  1. To be a teacher in his household.
  1. To be a council in his nation.
  1. To be an arbitrator in his vicinity.
  1. To be a hermit in his church.
  1. To be a legislator in his country.
  1. To be conscientious in his actions.
  1. To be happy in his life.
  1. To be diligent in his calling.
  1. To be just in his dealing.
  1. To do whatever he doeth as being done unto God, and not unto men.

1991.  Good Temper


Avoid Manifestations of Ill-temper. Reason is given for man's guidance. Passion is the tempest by which reason is overthrown. Under the effects of passion, man's mind becomes disordered, his face disfigured, his body deformed. A moment's passion has frequently cut off a life's friendship, destroyed a life's hope, embittered a life's peace, and brought unending sorrow and disgrace. It is scarcely worth while to enter into a comparative analysis of ill-temper and passion; they are alike discreditable, alike injurious, and should stand equally condemned.

1992.  Be Humble


Avoid Pride. If you are handsome, God made you so; if you are learned, some one instructed you; if you are rich, God gave you what you own. It is for others to perceive your goodness; but you should be blind to your own merits. There can be no comfort in deeming yourself better than you really are: that is self-deception. The best men throughout all history have been the most humble.

1993.  Affectation is a Form of Pride


It is, in fact, pride made ridiculous and contemptible. Some one writing upon affectation has remarked as follows:
"If anything will sicken and disgust a man, it is the affected, mincing way in which some people choose to talk. It is perfectly nauseous. If these young jackanapes, who screw their words into all manner of diabolical shapes, could only feel how perfectly disgusting they were, it might induce them to drop it. With many, it soon becomes such a confirmed habit that they cannot again be taught to talk in a plain, straightforward, manly way. In the lower order of ladies' boarding-schools, and indeed, too much everywhere, the same sickening, mincing tone is too often found. Do, pray, good people, do talk in your natural tone, if you don't wish to be utterly ridiculous and contemptible."

1994.  Vulgarity


We have adopted the foregoing Paragraph because we approve of some of its sentiments, but chiefly because it shows that persons who object to affectation may go to the other extreme—vulgarity. It is vulgar, we think, to call even the most affected people "jackanapes, who screw their words into all manner of diabolical shapes." Avoid vulgarity in manner, in speech, and in correspondence. To conduct yourself vulgarly is to offer offence to those who are around you; to bring upon yourself the condemnation of persons of good taste; and to incur the penalty of exclusion from good society. Thus, cast among the vulgar, you become the victim of your own error.

1995.  Avoid Swearing


An oath is but the wrath of a perturbed spirit. It is
mean
. A man of high moral standing would rather treat an offence with contempt than show his indignation by an oath. It is
vulgar
, altogether too low for a decent man. It is
cowardly
, implying a fear either of not being believed or obeyed. It is
ungentlemanly
, A gentleman, according to Webster, is a
genteel
man—well-bred, refined. It is
indecent
, offensive to delicacy, and extremely unfit for human ears. It is
foolish
. "Want of decency is want of sense." It is
abusive
—to the mind which conceives the oath, to the tongue which utters it, and to the person at whom it is aimed. It is
venomous
, showing a man's heart to be as a nest of vipers; and every time he swears, one of them starts out from his head. It is
contemptible
, forfeiting the respect of all the wise and good. It is
wicked
, violating the Divine law, and provoking the displeasure of Him who will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.

1996.  Be a Gentleman


Moderation, decorum, and neatness distinguish the gentleman; he is at all times affable, diffident, and studious to please. Intelligent and polite, his behaviour is pleasant and graceful. When he enters the dwelling of an inferior, he endeavours to hide, if possible, the difference between their ranks of life; ever willing to assist those around him, he is neither unkind, haughty, nor over-bearing. In the mansions of the rich, the correctness of his mind induces him to bend to etiquette, but not to stoop to adulation; correct principle cautions him to avoid the gaming-table, inebriety, or any other foible that could occasion him self-reproach. Gratified with the pleasures of reflection, he rejoices to see the gaieties of society, and is fastidious upon no point of little import. Appear only to be a gentleman, and its shadow will bring upon you contempt; be a gentleman, and its honours will remain even after you are dead.

1997.   The Happy Man, or True Gentleman


How happy is he born or taught,
That serveth not another's will,
Whose armour is his honest thought,
And simple truth his only skill:

Whose passions not his masters are.
Whose soul is still prepared for death
Not tied unto the world with care
Of prince's ear, or vulgar breath:

Who hath his life from rumours freed,
Whose conscience is his strong retreat
Whose state can neither flatterers feed.
Nor ruin make oppressors great,

Who God doth late and early pray
More of His grace than gifts to lend;
And entertains the harmless day
With a well-chosen book or friend;

This man is freed from servile bands,
Of hope to rise or fear to fall;
Lord of himself, though not of lands,
And having nothing, yet hath all.
Sir Henry Wotton
, 1530.

Riches are but the Baggage of Fortune.


1998.  Be Honest


Not only because "honesty is the best policy," but because it is a duty to God and to man. The heart that can be gratified by dishonest gains; the ambition that can be satisfied by dishonest means; the mind that can be devoted to dishonest purposes, must be of the worst order.

1999.  General Principles


Having laid down these General Principles for the government of personal conduct, we will epitomize what we would still enforce:

2000.  Idleness


Avoid Idleness. It is the parent of many evils. Can you pray, "Give us this day our daily bread," and not hear the reply, "Do thou this day thy daily duty"?

2001.  Idle Tales


Avoid telling Idle Tales, which is like firing arrows in the dark: you know not into whose heart they may fall.

2002.  Self-Praise


Avoid talking about yourself, praising your own works, and proclaiming your own deeds. If they are good they will proclaim themselves, if bad, the less you say of them the better.

2003.  Envy


Avoid Envy; for it cannot benefit you, nor can it injure those against whom it is cherished.

2004.  Disputation


Avoid Disputation for the mere sake of argument. The man who disputes obstinately, and in a bigoted spirit, is like the man who would stop the fountain from which he should drink. Earnest discussion is commendable; but factious argument never yet produced a good result.

2005.  Kindness


Be Kind in Little Things. —The true generosity of the heart is more displayed by deeds of minor kindness, than by acts which may partake of ostentation.

2006.  Politeness


Be Polite.—Politeness is the poetry of conduct—and like poetry, it has many qualities. Let not your politeness be too florid, but of that gentle kind which indicates a refined nature.

2007.  Sociable


Be Sociable—avoid reserve in society. Remember that the social elements, like the air we breathe, are purified by motion. Thought illumines thought, and smiles win smiles.

2008.  Punctuality


Be Punctual.—One minute too late has lost many a golden opportunity. Besides which, the want of punctuality is an affront offered to the person to whom your presence is due.

2009.  Hints


The foregoing Remarks may be said to apply to the moral conduct, rather than, to the details of personal manners. Great principles, however, suggest minor ones; and hence, from the principles laid down, many hints upon personal behaviour may be gathered.

2010.  Hearty


Be Hearty in your salutations, discreet and sincere in your friendships.

2011.  Listen


Prefer to Listen rather than to talk.

2012.  Respect


Behave, even in the presence of your relations, as though you felt respect to be due to them.

2013.  Humble


In Society never forget that you are but one of many.

2014.  House Rules


When you Visit a Friend, conform to the rules of his household; lean not upon his tables, nor rub your feet against his chairs.

2015.  Privacy


Pry not into Letters that are not your own.

2016.  Ladies


Pay unmistakable Respect to ladies everywhere.

2017.  Silliness


Beware of Foppery, and of silly flirtation.

2018.  Considerate


In Public Places be not too pertinacious of your own rights, but find pleasure in making concessions.

2019.  Conversation


Speak Distinctly, look at the person to whom you speak, and when you have spoken, give him an opportunity to reply.

2020.  Temperance


Avoid Drunkenness as you would a curse; and modify all appetites, especially those that are acquired.

2021.  Correct Dress


Dress Well, but not superfluously; be neither like a sloven, nor like a stuffed model.

2022.  Cleanliness


Keep away all Uncleanly Appearances from the person. Let the nails, the teeth, and, in fact, the whole system receive
salutary
rather than
studied
care. But let these things receive attention at the toilet—not elsewhere.

2023.  Jewellery


Avoid displaying Excess of Jewellery. Nothing looks more effeminate upon a man.

2024.  Central Ideas


Every one of these Suggestions may be regarded as the centre of many others, which the earnest mind cannot fail to discover. (See
Hints on Etiquette
,
par
.
1924
.)

2025.  Children


Happy indeed is the child who, during the first period of its existence, is fed upon no other aliment than the milk of its mother, or that of a healthy nurse. If other food become necessary before the child has acquired teeth, it ought to be of a liquid form; for instance, biscuits or stale bread boiled in an equal mixture of milk and water, to the consistence of a thick soup; but by no means even this in the first week of its life. Children who are brought up by hand, that is to say, who are not nursed by mother or wet nurse, require an occasioned change of diet, and thin gruel affords a wholesome alternation to milk. When cows' milk is used it should be obtained, if possible, from one and the same cow, and diluted with boiled water. Swiss milk is recommended by some medical men. The Aylesbury Dairy Company furnish a speciality for young children under the name of "Artificial Human Milk," which is recommended.

2026.  Thickening


Flour or Meal ought never to be used for soup, as it produces viscid humours, instead of a wholesome nutritious chyle.

2027.  Introducing Solid Food


After the first Six Months, weak veal or chicken broth may be given, and also, progressively, vegetables that are not very flatulent, for instance, carrots, endive, spinach, parsnips, with broth, and a little stewed fruit, such as apples, pears, plums, and cherries.

2028.  After Weaning


When the Infant Is Weaned, and has acquired its proper teeth, it is advisable to let it have small portions of meat, and other vegetables, as well as dishes prepared of flour, &c., so that it may gradually become accustomed to every kind of strong and wholesome food.

2029.  Simple Food


We ought, however, to be cautious, and not upon any account to allow a child pastry, confectionery, cheese, heavy dishes made of boiled or baked flour, onions, horseradish, mustard, smoked and salted meat, especially pork, and all compound dishes; for the most simple food is the most wholesome.

2030.  Potatoes


Potatoes should be allowed only in moderation, and not to be eaten with butter, but rather with other vegetables, either mashed up or in broth.

2031.  Time-Table


The Time of Taking Food is not a matter of indifference; very young infants make an exception; for, as their consumption of vital power is more rapid, they may be more frequently indulged with aliment.

2032.  Regularity


It is, however, advisable to accustom even them to a certain regularity, so as to allow them their victuals at stated periods of the day; for it has been observed that those children which are fed indiscriminately through the whole day, are subject to debility and disease. The stomach should be allowed to recover its tone, and to collect the juices necessary for digestion, before it is supplied with a new portion of food.

2033.  Daily Diet


The following Order of giving Food to children has been found proper, and conducive to their health:—After rising in the morning, suppose about six o'clock, a moderate portion of lukewarm milk, with well baked bread, which should by no means be new; at nine o'clock, bread with some fruit, or, if fruit be scarce, a small quantity of fresh butter; about twelve o'clock, the dinner, of a sufficient quantity; between four and five o'clock, some bread with fruit, or, in winter, some preserve as a substitute for fruit.

2034.  Tea


On this Occasion, Children should be allowed to eat till they are satisfied, without surfeiting themselves, that they may not crave for a heavy supper, which disturbs their rest, and is productive of bad humours: lastly, about seven o'clock they may be permitted a light supper, consisting either of milk, soup, fruit, or boiled vegetables and the like, but neither meat nor mealy dishes, nor any article of food which produces flatulency; in short, they ought then to eat but little, and remain awake at least for an hour after it.

2035.  Bread


It has often been contended that Bread is hurtful to children; but this applies only to new bread, or such as is not sufficiently baked; for instance, nothing can be more hurtful or oppressive than rolls, muffins, and crumpets. Good wheaten bread, especially that baked by the aerated process, is extremely proper during the first years of infancy; but that made of whole wheat meal, or wheat flour from which the bran has not been eliminated is, perhaps, more conducive to health after the age of childhood.

2036.  Drink


With respect to Drink, physicians are decidedly against giving it to children in large quantities, and at irregular periods, whether it consists of the mother's milk, or any other equally mild liquid.

2037.  Improper


It is improper and pernicious to keep infants continually at the breast; and it would be less hurtful, nay, even judicious, to let them cry for a few nights, rather than to fill them incessantly with milk, which readily turns sour on the stomach, weakens the digestive organs, and ultimately generates scrofulous affections.

2038.  Liquids


In the latter part of the First Year, pure water, milk-and-water, or toast-and-water may occasionally be given. On no account should a young child be permitted to taste beer or wine, unless specially ordered by a medical man. Those parents who accustom their children to drink water only, bestow on them a fortune, the value and importance of which will be sensibly felt through life.

2039.  Drinking with Meals


Many Children acquire a Habit of Drinking during their meals; it would be more conducive to digestion if they were accustomed to drink only after having made a meal. This salutary rule is too often neglected, though it is certain that inundations of the stomach, during the mastication and maceration of the food, not only vitiate digestion, but they may be attended with other bad consequences; as cold drink, when brought in contact with the teeth previously heated, may easily occasion cracks or chinks in these useful bones, and pave the way for their carious dissolution.